"What are you talkin' about, Stevie? There's no card in my pocket."

Steve sat at the Curtis' kitchen table, hearing Soda begin to whistle, his best friend's eyes claiming innocence as he focused on the cards in his hand. "Oh, yeah? What am I looking at there then?"

Soda glanced down and around, his gaze deliberately missing the card in the front pocket of his DX shirt. "I don't know. Where?"

Steve reached over and plucked the card from Soda's shirt pocket, revealing it to be an ace of hearts. "Right here, buddy. Or is that a love letter from the poker fairy?"

"Must be. 'Cause I wasn't cheatin'."

"You'd have a great poker face if you could look me in the eye, man."

"I'm just tryin' to act natural. Nothin' happenin' here, you know?"

"Uh-huh, sure there's not." Steve tucked the ace into his own hand of cards. "In that case, I'll just hang on to this for you then. I'll keep it safe."

"I think that makes you the poker fairy, Stevie. So now, you've gotta leave a dollar where you found the card."

"A dollar? How about a dime?"

"You're really about to pay me for cheatin'?"

"Nah. But I got you to admit it, didn't I?"

"Aw, hell. Yeah, I guess you did."

"That's my specialty, brother."

"What's mine?"

"The same thing." Steve slid the ace of hearts beneath the stack of cards that was between them. "We both help each other learn the ropes of honesty."

"That's cute, honey. Purple's a good color on her too."

Vivian put the tiny Easter dress back in its shopping bag as Samuel resumed his work on the coming Sunday's sermon. "I want to take lots of pictures before church."

Samuel wrote an outline, dividing the resurrection message into sections. "We will. We'll take plenty to make sure we commemorate her very first holiday."

"TwoBit, I swear, if you show up here with colored eggs, I'll crack one over your pretty little head."

TwoBit smoothed back one sideburn as he chuckled at the glare Steve was giving him. "Now, Steve-O, that's not a good Easter spirit. We're supposed to have a good old-fashioned egg hunt."

Steve rolled his eyes, though he couldn't hide the grin that had appeared on his face at the thought of his friends actually hunting eggs. "We're way too old for that, man. We're not little kids anymore, in case you hadn't noticed."

"Yeah, yeah, but it ain't like we're two steps away from a nursing home. We can still do fun shit."

"Sure we can. But I think our ideas of fun change over time as we get older."

"Damn. I feel like I'm talkin' to two different guys who live in the same body."

"What? Why?"

"'Cause you were about ready to beat my head in one minute, then the next, you're all reflective and thoughtful or whatever you want to call it."

"Oh. Well, I guess that's just how I am now. I'd rather find some meaning than just be annoyed as hell by what you're telling me."

"Yeah. I can see that. So you want to 'find some meaning' in a couple of beers?"

"You can if you want. But I'm still on medication, remember? So drinking's not a good idea for me."

"That's right! I forget sometimes. You just seem so..."

"So what?"

"So, um, well... Okay?"

"Normal?"

"Sure. That works. You seem normal, so it's easy to forget that you take any medicine at all. Especially that kind."

"You thought my pills could make me seem abnormal because they're a psychiatric medication?"

"No! Of course not. I just meant-"

Steve put his hand on TwoBit's shoulder, seeing his friend's expression immediately relax. "Easy, man. It's okay. I know what you mean. The medicine only works on the inside, but it's not a huge deal to think something affecting my brain the way it has to could do more that shows on the outside. It's all right to notice that what happens with my medicine isn't the kind of stuff you can see."

"Does it ever make you feel different? I mean, obviously, I know it helps you not feel depressed. But does it do anything else?"

"Like what?"

"I don't know. Does it make your head feel different, I guess? Can you ever tell it's doin' anything in your brain?"

"No. I don't think so. It just makes me feel more balanced, you know? More protected."

"Protected? From what? You mean like from the thoughts about killing yourself?"

"Basically. The medicine is one thing that helps me handle those better."

"So, um, I know I've never said a lot to you about that. Not without at least kind of jokin' around anyway. But I still remember. I won't ever forget. Maybe I ain't Soda or anything, but I'd like you to know you can talk to me if things get really bad again."

"I do know that, TwoBit. Thanks."

"And, uh... Well, hell, how have I never said this to you before? It's been what? A year and a half?"

"Yeah. Plus a month actually. Maybe you just didn't find the right moment till now."

"Guess I didn't. But I want you to know it mattered to me that you lived. Damn, that sounds awkward, doesn't it? I'm trying to tell you that you're important to me. I'm trying to say I'm glad you're still here. But it's comin' out all wrong."

"I don't think it's coming out wrong. I'm understanding what you're saying."

"It was scary for me too, you dig? I mean, sure, I didn't know what happened till after it was said and done. But just knowing you'd tried to kill yourself was tough. I didn't know anything about why then either, so it was confusing as all get out too."

"Yeah. I know it had to be. There was nothing you could've even thought to expect happening during that time. Things felt unpredictable to me too, and I was the one living it."

TwoBit slid one arm around Steve's shoulders, experiencing only a second of hesitation before he put the other around him as well.

Steve accepted the hug, returning it as he felt his friend squeeze him. "Hey, now I can say I feel like I'm talking to two different guys who live in the same body. It's all good, bud. I know my attempt affected you, and I know how you feel about me. Of course I do. We're family."

"Well, all right then. 'Cause I feel like I'm failin' miserably at gettin' the words out. But maybe all I've really needed to say is I'm happy to have you in my life, and I'm so glad that you're okay."

"Why are you going to church, Stevie? It's Friday night."

Steve finished getting dressed as Soda joined him in his bedroom. "Yeah, but it's Good Friday. So there's a service."

Soda watched as Steve buttoned up his shirt, then started combing his dark hair into place. "Oh. I guess I forgot about that. I've just always thought church was only for Sundays too."

"It can be for any day, really. I didn't go last year, but I want to this time. I feel like I need it."

"Can I come too?"

"Of course you can. It's not just a service for me, and it's your church as much as mine."

"I feel kind of dumb askin' this, but what exactly is Good Friday supposed to be?"

"Don't feel dumb over that, buddy. I didn't always know either. It's the day Jesus died on the cross. He couldn't be resurrected if that didn't happen first."

"Oh. Well, that makes sense. 'Cause he came back to life on the third day, which is Easter Sunday. Man, that must've been real scary for him. I get why it happened and all, but the whole day had to be the toughest for Jesus."

"Yeah. I'll always remember hearing Samuel say Jesus knows how pain is. That he knows what it's like and how it feels. He also knew how things would turn out for him in the end. He knew the purpose and that death didn't have the final say."

"'My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?' Those were Jesus' words as he hung on the cross. That was his question, his plea. He was fully God, fully divine, but he was human as well. He had the emotions that come with being a man facing insurmountable circumstances. He experienced anguish beyond our understanding as he took on the world's transgressions. He knew God the Father's plan, yet that didn't shield him from the hurt brought about by both the physical and mental aspects of his sacrifice. Not even that precious, holy knowledge spared Jesus from feeling the full weight of what was happening to him on the darkest day in history. Not even the fact that he was born to be our savior kept him from having to bear the pain of rejection as he faced his own death. He was the one and only Christ, the beloved Son of God, yet he still felt the sting of abandonment."

Steve sat in a third row pew, focusing on Samuel, as the preacher's voice filled the church, a somber mood permeating the sanctuary during the congregation's moments of reflection.

Nicholas sat next to Steve, his gaze also focused on Samuel, as he felt his son lean against him. His eyes then shifting away from the front of the church, he touched Steve's arm as he whispered. "Are you okay?"

Steve nodded, hearing Samuel continue with the message as he let himself rest against his dad's side. At the same time, he reached for Soda's wrist, fingers wrapping tightly around it.

Soda felt the touch from his spot on the pew beside Steve, looking first at the hand that was so close to his own, then at his best friend. "You all right, Stevie?"

Steve nodded once more as his heart sought comfort, despite his determination to conceal the heaviness that was settling within. He looped his left arm around Nicholas' waist, his right arm also going around Soda's middle in the midst of a battle that felt like it would never end.

"Yeah, preacher guy, I'm the one who told him what Good Friday is. Aren't you proud of me?"

Samuel stepped down from the podium, joining Steve on the altar. "Actually, I am. But I was already. You didn't need to earn it."

Steve smiled at the sentiment as he glanced across the church to see Soda holding Emily. "So, uh, I guess I didn't need to be going crazy with worry the other night when he was out. He came home safe and sound."

"Perhaps you didn't need to, but it's no wonder you did. I was relieved myself when I heard things had turned out okay. Sodapop is definitely the type of person it's easy to love. To know him is to care about him."

"Yeah. That's true." Steve looked at Soda once again, seeing him press his forehead to Emily's, then kiss her on the cheek. "I don't even know how somebody could not love him."

Samuel followed Steve's gaze for a moment, seeing Soda give Emily back to Vivian before making his way toward the sanctuary's front door. "I don't either. Is anything wrong? You look like you're contemplating something."

"Nothing's wrong. Not really anyway. Just what's inside my head. My heart too, I guess. It's not like there's anything bad happening to me though. I'm just thinking too deep about certain things and getting my mind all tangled up in knots in the process."

"So something is wrong, but you think it shouldn't be?"

"I didn't say that."

"You basically did. I have enough discernment to pick up on that."

"Oh yeah? Do you have enough discernment to-" Steve stopped himself, taking a deep breath, as he put a hand over his face. "Sorry. I shouldn't be short with you. Especially when you're right. I don't feel like there should be a problem, so I'm trying to make it not one. But that's making me even more overwhelmed, and it's triggering other stuff. To be perfectly honest, sitting here and thinking hard about Jesus' death is like adding fuel to the fire. I don't know if it's a sin for me to say that, but it's how I feel."

"It's not a sin for you to have a thought or an opinion. God made us to have emotions and to experience them in different ways, so there's nothing wrong with however that manifests. The only sin there would be is if they led you to turn away from him, and it looks like you're doing the exact opposite."

"I am. It's why I came tonight. I felt like I needed to be here. But, at the same time, it seems like it didn't help. Don't get me wrong. I liked your sermon and everything. I always do. But maybe I related a little too much to this one."

"How so?"

"I don't know. I guess just with the whole idea of Jesus feeling emotional pain. I've always liked knowing he gets it, you know? He's not some being who can't hurt and is just joyful all the time. He's real, and he's also human. You were talking about him being burdened, and I feel that way too. But I keep thinking I have no right to even sort of identify with him when I can't imagine what he went through. I'm not hurting like he did, and I don't think any of us ever could either. I feel like there's a weight on me, but I know it must be nothing compared to the one he had to carry."

"Which doesn't mean it's not heavy for you. Being able to identify with Christ doesn't mean you think your pain is the same as his or even similar. I think you're right that none of us could ever hurt like he did. What he experienced was the ultimate in suffering, and he went through it so we wouldn't have to. But that doesn't make what you're feeling any less real."

"What do I do then? How am I supposed to stop feeling bad for making the connection?"

"Well, you already brought it to me and to the altar. I'd say that's a pretty good start."

Steve's gaze wandered around the sanctuary, noticing its emptiness as the light inside contrasted with the inkling of darkness visible through the stained glass windows. "We're the only ones in here."

"I think everyone just went outside."

"It's getting kind of late."

"Just a bit. But I'm not in a hurry."

Steve's eyes shifted to Samuel, seeing how the preacher was looking at him so intently. He then reached out, his hand squeezing the older man's shoulder. "Yeah. I can see that."

"May I ask you something? You don't have to answer if you aren't comfortable with it, but I want to ask because of a few things you've said to me."

"Okay. You can ask."

"Are you having any kind of suicidal thoughts again? I'm only wondering because of what you told me about other stuff being triggered and how you said you're feeling burdened. It would also fit with what you were saying about the sermon adding fuel to a fire. We can absolutely leave or talk about something else, but I'm wanting to give you an opening if it's what you need. I can't walk away tonight without making sure I do that."

Steve looked down, his hand still resting on Samuel's shoulder, as he found his way to an answer. "Yes. I am. But they're not the main thing, you know? Just sort of an effect from everything else."

"Everything else like what?"

"Like what I said is in my head. What I think shouldn't be a problem. But it is anyway, whether I like it or not."

"I think that means it would be better to just accept it as a problem then. That way, you can work towards solving it."

"Yeah, I know. I've never been able to solve anything by denying it, that's for sure."

"Have you talked to your counselor or someone else about this more specifically?"

"Yeah. Both my dad and Laura, actually. I'm sorry I'm being so vague. It's not you. I just don't feel like going into much detail."

"That's fine, Steve. My top concern is your safety. I know I haven't been the one you come to most often when you've felt like hurting yourself, but you can trust me with that just as much as anything else. I want to make sure you're okay."

"Don't worry, preacher guy. I'm not anywhere I can't handle being, and I'm not in danger."

Samuel held his hand out to Steve as he stood, both men rising from the altar. "I know that's changed quickly before, so I just need to tell you I'm here. I realize you know that or we wouldn't be having this conversation in the first place. But it should still be said."

"You're right. I do know." Steve the door to the sanctuary open, hearing the echo of laughter outside, as both Soda and Nicholas looked in at them. "I'm coming, guys." He then shared a glance with Samuel, feeling the older man's hand squeeze his own. "I think I got just what I needed."

"So we leave in one week, right, Stevie?"

Steve followed Soda onto the front porch as his best friend was heading home for the night. "We sure do, man. Friday afternoon."

Soda paused beside the porch railing, looking out at where his car was parked behind Steve's Ford. "Are you going to be all right tonight? I mean, I know you have your dad, but it just seemed like somethin' was going on with you at church. I wouldn't want to try to sound like I know anything when you haven't said much though, so I guess I'm not sure what else to say about it."

"You've seen enough to realize when I'm showing signs of struggling. So it's not like you're making assumptions about stuff you don't understand. But I'll be fine tonight, buddy. I'd say something too if the roles were reversed. I know I was really holding on to you and my dad pretty tight earlier. I definitely wanted to keep you close."

"There is somethin' bothering you then?"

"Yeah. It's why I was talking to Samuel for a while too."

"Oh. Um, you don't have to tell me anything. I'll respect it if you don't want to, just like you've done for me. But you always can."

"I know. That's us, isn't it? Transparency is like our spirit."

"Yeah. That sounds nice." Soda's gaze lingered on Steve as he took his car keys out of his jeans pocket. "So, uh, I guess I'll see you sometime tomorrow."

"Of course, brother. We've still got plans to make." Steve saw how Soda was hesitating, his best friend shifting from one foot to the other. "I really will be fine tonight, man. Please trust me."

"It ain't that I don't trust you. I do. I just can't help worryin' anyway."

"I know. We've both been on that side of the fence a lot. But, like you said, I have my dad here."

"Does he know what's bothering you?"

"He does. I've talked to him about it."

"Is there somethin' you don't want me to know? It's all right if there is. I won't be upset."

"It's not really that I don't want you to know. I just want to deal in my own way for now. Me and you cope with so much together, and this feels like it should be more in the background."

"Okay. That sort of makes sense. Not that it even has to make sense to me anyway." Soda put one arm around Steve, drawing him into a partial embrace. "As long as it works for you, that's all that matters. And, as always, I'm here if you want to talk."

"It was such a line of bullshit though, Dad. I don't want him to know, and he can see that. It's practically right in front of his damn eyes."

Nicholas added a plate of bacon to the table as he sat down with Steve. "Sounds like respect to me, Son. He sees something, but he won't force you to get into it when you aren't ready. That means you can be honest without revealing everything."

Steve dipped a knife into the jar of jelly, then spread some on his toast. "Like limited honesty. I'm not lying, but at the same time, I'm protecting our relationship. And him too."

"You talk like you're already taking psychology courses."

"Aw, I don't sound that advanced. I've just been able to learn a lot from experience. I think you're only saying that because you like to bring up my going to college."

"But there's nothing wrong with that, is there?"

"No. There's not. I like that you're so proud. It means a lot. Especially when I'm not doing anything to earn it. All I'm really doing is living and just being me."