"I really hope it's okay that I didn't come last week. I guess I sort of felt like I needed a break."

Dr. Morgan closed her office door before taking the seat across from Soda, seeing the way her client fidgeted in the time it took for her to reply. "I think it is okay, Sodapop. I appreciate your honesty about it, in fact. I didn't know if you perhaps weren't feeling well or if some other conflict had come up. Nevertheless, as long as your safety isn't compromised, I believe you deserve to have some agency."

Soda tapped his heel on the carpet, watching his knee bounce up and down, as he still remained hesitant to look directly at his counselor. "Agency? What's that mean?"

"It just means having some control over your actions. I think you've earned that, both as an adult and as a client who's been upfront about your struggles. Would you like to tell me more about why you felt you needed a break? Was anything in particular going on last Monday?"

"Yeah. Kind of. 'Cause I saw Emily the Friday before. So I was tryin' to get used to that. It felt different."

"Was it a positive experience? Did the visit go well?"

"Yeah. It really did. It couldn't have gone better, actually. I was so happy to see her and hold her that it was like everything else disappeared for a while. I didn't think about the rest of the situation and what it means. I just thought about Emily and how much I love her."

"Okay. So what did you think about after the visit then? Did the circumstances of the adoption take a more dominant place in your thoughts?"

"I guess so. Not right away though. I felt on top of the world for a bit first. But then, I kind of crashed once things got too real again."

"In what way did you crash?"

"Nothin' serious. Just feelings, like bein' sad and anxious. Confused too 'cause I wasn't always sure where it was all comin' from. I even acted mad sometimes, but I really wasn't. It was just frustrating to not understand what was happening in my own head, especially when I thought I already had it. I've known for a long time now that Samuel and Vivian would be our baby's parents. Me and Penny went through all that real early on. But there's still somethin' about seein' them with Emily. I know I can't say it's harder for me since Penny is the birth mother, but I feel like it's sort of messier 'cause I don't have parents."

"I would say that adds a layer of complexity for you in terms of being a birth father. You can acknowledge this without necessarily drawing comparisons. Both you and Penny have factors that make your viewpoints unique, and one doesn't have to be less than the other."

"I think that's like when me and Steve tell each other it's not a contest. 'Cause sometimes, we've both felt bad over what we were going through and tried to compare it. Like we would think we shouldn't feel the way we do since it's not as bad as what the other person's gotta deal with. I know I've felt guilty for strugglin' so much with the stuff that's happened to him 'cause they're the most awful things that can happen to anybody. They ain't mine to hurt over though. None of it happened to me, and I can't really imagine how he feels. Even if I wanted to, I can't put myself in that kind of place."

"I'm aware this has become a segue, as we were discussing your feelings regarding Emily and the adoption, but it seems that there's more to the subject than the initial connection you made."

"Yeah. Looks that way. I'm, uh, not sure why I stumbled into it. I mean, maybe it's because I know there's somethin' Steve's not wantin' to tell me lately. But he's allowed to do whatever he wants or needs to do. I just feel kind of funny about it since not knowin' is scary."

"The unknown can certainly cause a high level of anxiety for many people. Do you know for sure that there's something Steve's not telling you, or is this a sense based on what you've seen or heard?"

"It was sense at first. I could tell somethin' was botherin' him, so I asked him about it. He said he's really only comfortable sharin' with his dad and Laura. I get that. I really do. But it's hard 'cause I'm used to helpin' him and listenin' as much as I can. Just like he does for me."

"Perhaps there's a good reason for this boundary, one you'll understand later."

"Yeah. There probably is. But I think this is botherin' me a lot more than it should be. Maybe 'cause I can see Steve's got somethin' on his mind. Maybe even 'cause there's only been one other time in our lives I didn't know what was going on. Except, back then, I had no idea there was anything to know anyway. This still reminds me of that though." Soda resumed the fidgeting he'd previously stopped, fingers tapping on the table as his knee bounced up and down. "But, like I said, it ain't mine to hurt over, and besides, I've already worked through it all. There's nothin' I need to get into again just because he's not tellin' me everything."

"I think when you've been close for a long time, the lines between your pain and experiences and those of someone you love become very intertwined. I know you and Steve have shared a lot of time and that you shared a childhood. So the events that affected him also have an understandable impact on you, and that's something you're allowed to own."

"Yeah. I know. I have owned it too, and I've talked about this stuff with him. I'm just not sure how it has anything to do with now."

"You partially answered that question yourself, as you said the current situation is a reminder. But I can see even more of a connection in the big picture. If you've been contemplating the fact that you no longer have living parents, I can see where that would lead to reflecting on your childhood, the time when your parents were here with you and your brothers. You and Penny are both birth parents now, so it's possible watching your own baby grow up is bringing back memories of when you were younger yourself."

"Sure. That makes sense. I was thinkin' about it a lot too, especially my dad. I even realized I kind of look at Samuel like a dad. Steve's dad is sort of like that too, but I think it's been different since there was quite a bit of time where I didn't like him much. But I do now. I love him 'cause he's been there for Steve and fixed all the stuff that was wrong. He's been there to talk to me too when I needed somebody."

"Okay. So you're going through some transitory moments as you're adjusting to being able to see Emily, while also recognizing the way you view the father figures who are still present in your life. Then, given what you've observed with Steve, you're connecting these new moments to what you remember from the past."

"That sounds right. It seems like stuff is always fittin' together. I'm better about seein' it, but I don't usually expect it. I don't like thinkin' about the things that happened to Steve though. Nobody would." Soda paused as he looked down at the table between him and Dr. Morgan, the flashes of childhood memories gripping his spirit a little tighter. "So I, um, don't want to do this. I don't need to go into all of that. He's better. A lot better. So it's okay."

Dr. Morgan watched Soda's eyes, seeing them start to move up before darting away from her once again. "Sodapop, there's something I'd like to ask you. If you're uncomfortable with the subject, we can move on to another, but you seem to keep coming back to what took place in Steve's childhood. I know that he was a victim of abuse, and I know you weren't aware of what he experienced until years later. I've also heard plenty at length about his suicide attempt and its effect on you. But I still don't know exactly what happened to Steve when he was young or the specific context it gives your childhood. Would you like to tell me more about that?"

Soda shifted in his chair, partially turning away from Dr. Morgan as her patient gaze remained on him. "I, uh... I don't know. 'Cause I've always felt it would be wrong for me to tell anybody, so I never have before."

"I can assure you that discussing an issue or event in therapy won't violate your friend's privacy. Anything you tell me is safe here."

"I know. It's just so personal. But I- I don't think he'd mind 'cause it affected me a lot too."

"Right. That's why I'm asking."

"Steve, um, he was abused sexually. Man, it feels really weird to say that. I've never said it out loud before, and I've known for almost two years now. I knew the woman who did it too, and she was real strange, you know? Like she tried to seem nice and sweet, but she wasn't at all. She was datin' Steve's dad. She lived with them, and that's how she got to him. She even tried to get me, but Steve knew it. He protected me from her."

"She tried to get you, as in she attempted to sexually abuse you as well?"

"No. Not exactly. Just the way she acted around me made Steve think she would if she got the chance. Of course, I didn't know that at the time though. But I remember, and I understand why he suddenly wanted to go spend the night at my house instead of stayin' at his. I used to feel guilty 'cause she didn't abuse me. Like, if she had, I would've found out she was hurtin' him and been able to stop it a lot sooner."

"How did the abuse come to a stop?"

"Steve's dad caught her. He saw her in his bed with him late at night, and she was touchin' him. Steve was only eleven. I was too. I've had a hard time with realizin' that we were around each other so much, but I had no idea. Nicholas, that's Steve's dad, made her leave, and that was the end. For that part of it anyway. He had a lot to deal with after, but he didn't really get to. Once, I heard Clara on the phone sayin' some stuff, and it wasn't till Steve told me about the abuse that I knew what any of it meant."

"Clara is the woman who abused him?"

"Yeah. It's tough for me to look back at that part of our childhood 'cause it feels so different now. Things weren't what I thought, and Steve was in a lot of pain. Sometimes, memories go through my head, and I have to remind myself that I was there for him. When he was with me at our house, he was safe. Can we please talk about somethin' else now? This is makin' me feel pretty down. Steve's told me so many specific things now that I'm thinkin' about those too. I love him so much, and it hurts to remember how he suffered."

"Certainly, Sodapop. We can move on to a different topic. I can see how difficult this one has been for you, and while I think that's often a sign more discussion is necessary, you did go further into the subject than you have before."

"Yeah. I really have talked through it all too. With Steve and with Darry. They know eveything about how it's been for me."

"As I'm always able to observe, you have an abundance of support, and you trust your loved ones to be there for you. I think that draws us into a lighter topic, one that's worth revisiting from time to time since your recovery has relied upon the relationships in your life. Would you like to circle back to talking about Emily? This is new relationship for you, and I believe it's at the center as far as where you currently are."

"Yeah. I'd like to talk about her more. I really thought she'd be all I talked about today. It's only been a little while since I've been allowed to visit, but it kind of feels like more. Maybe 'cause I've also gotten to see her at church. She already seems so comfortable with me, so maybe that makes it feel like even longer."

"Possibly. It sounds like your visits with Emily are rather informal as well, a part of everyday life."

"They are. There's no schedule or anything like that. I get to hold her and play with her and just enjoy bein' with her."

"Earlier, you said that you felt on top of the world until things got real again. What did you mean by that phrase?"

"Just that it hit me hard to actually see Samuel bein' a dad to Emily. 'Cause, yeah, I get to be in her life, but he's the parent. That's real close to me now too. I don't just know it. It's somethin' I see at their house and at church. I've been a birth father for months, but it's different when I'm there watchin' it with my own eyes. It felt so hard at first that I thought maybe I regretted the adoption. Like I wondered if me and Penny should've made a different choice."

"What about now? Did you come to another conclusion?"

"Yeah. I decided we did exactly the right thing, and there's no way I'd ever want Emily's life to be anything other than what it is. I don't have a dad or a mom anymore, but she does. I know they're givin' her the best too."

Dr. Morgan watched the expression on Soda's face, seeing it hover between peace and panic. "What else are you thinking about right now?"

Soda shook his head as he gave the counselor a smile. "Nothin'. Just more about Emily. It's still tryin' to sink in, I guess. It's mixed in with a lot of other stuff too, but I think I've got a grip on it."

"You seem to. You also seem to be very in tune with how you're feeling and why."

"Yeah. It helps to understand." Soda felt his breath catch, then got to his feet, going to stand near the bookshelf as the floor beneath mocked him with its stability. "Is it okay if I'm over here? I just feel like I need to move a little bit."

"Of course. You can do whatever makes you feel comfortable and calm."

Soda pressed himself against the wall, then slid down to sit on the floor. "I am calm. I've very calm. But it doesn't feel good. This time, it feels scary."

"Hey, are you all right, man? You're not even trying to cheat this time."

Soda stared at the cards in his hand as he and Steve were playing a game of rummy in the Randles' living room. He chose a ten of clubs to discard as he replied. "Yeah. I'm fine. I just don't feel like it, I guess."

Steve looked first at the straight of clubs he had laid out, seeing the seven, eight, and nine. He then reached for the discarded ten of clubs, taking the play his friend had overlooked. "I'm surprised you didn't see that one."

"Yeah. Well, I guess everybody misses stuff sometimes."

"Sure they do. Especially when there's something on their minds."

"There's nothin' on my mind. I'm good, Stevie. Really. Besides, shouldn't I be the one checkin' on you after how you were in the school yard yesterday?"

"Maybe. But I got my head straight. Those little moments helped a lot. Plus, I went home and had a few of them with my dad too. I didn't tell you about the boutonniere yet, did I?"

"No. What boutonniere?"

"The one my dad gave me last night. It's to wear at his wedding since I'll be the best man. I got really emotional over it too."

"Oh. He gave you that already, huh?"

"Yeah. He knows how important it is to me, so he thought the boutonniere would make it official."

Soda fiddled with the cards he held as he saw Steve toss down a three of diamonds. He then drew a card from the stack between them, this one a two of spades. "Yeah. That's pretty special too. I'm real happy for you about gettin' to be his best man."

"Thanks, buddy." Steve started his next turn by picking up the two of spades, then pairing it with the ace and three of spades in his hand. "Hey, looks like you put down just the card I needed, man. Anyway, it still sounds like my dad and Audrey don't know exactly when the wedding will be. All they know is it'll probably be in the summer, and they're thinking of going to the beach for their honeymoon."

"That sounds nice. I've never been to the beach before."

"Me neither. Talk about a great escape though."

"Yeah, it sure would be." Soda drew a card, hardly even looking at it before he tossed it in the discard pile. "Nothin' to think about at all by the ocean."

"I think I'd like to go surfing. That would be tuff. Riding the waves and-" Steve stopped when he looked up from his cards to see that Soda had curled himself into a ball, his best friend's face hidden from sight. "Soda, what's going on? Did you have a tough time in counseling today? You can tell me if you did, and I won't even try to make you go any further than that if you don't want to. Just please talk to me so I know you're okay."

Soda felt Steve's hand on his arm as he kept his knees drawn up to his chest, his forehead touching the denim of his jeans. "I am. I just need a second, all right? There's nothin' wrong. I'm fine."

"It sure doesn't look like it, man. But I won't push you, I promise. I just want to say it's okay if whatever you talked about in counseling today is catching up to you. Sometimes that's just part of the process and-"

"You, Stevie. I talked about you. Not only you though. Emily too, of course. And Penny and my mom and dad."

"Well, sure, buddy. I could've guessed that. It fits with the last couple of weeks."

"I talked about Samuel and even about your dad too. And then some stuff I hadn't ever talked about with Dr. Morgan before."

"I bet that's why you're having a hard time now then. It's always a big breakthrough to deal with something for the first time in counseling. I've sure been there lots of times. I know you have too, and you always get past it. Even when it seems like you can't, you get through the feelings that come up. So that means you will today too. I have so much faith in you, man. I just feel like I need to say that right now because I know what the doubt can be like and how much a little encouragement is worth. I'm always here for you, okay? You know that, but it'll never be something I can say too often. Especially not when I can see you need all the love you can get."

Soda turned his head to look at Steve, whose gaze was fixed on him, the other man's eyes exuding a calm and confidence that he longed to emulate. "Yeah. I know all of what you're sayin'. I'll get through this too. It's just part of the process."

"Right, buddy. Just take it moment by moment. Are you feeling a little bit better now?"

"I think so."

Steve saw Soda look down at his lap, then wrapped an arm around him. "I'm really glad you're doing so much in counseling. That's such a huge thing, brother. It's something that not everybody could do too. I ought to know since I used to be somebody who never could've done what we're both doing now with Laura and Dr. Morgan. Yet, here I am telling you all about what it's like and thinking of being a counselor myself. I think that's proof of the power it has."

"It sure is. But neither of us could ever do it without each other either. I know I couldn't go sit there with Dr. Morgan if I didn't have somebody to understand and help me get out of my head after."

"You mean like what I did just now?"

Soda's eyes moved to Steve once again to see his best friend grinning at him. "What do you mean? What did you do?"

"I got you out of your head. But I kept you talking at the same time too."

Soda grinned back at Steve as he let his knees slide to the floor. "I got a two for one deal, huh?"

"Damn right, buddy. I even got you smiling again." Steve picked up the cards Soda had set aside, giving them back to his friend. "Now let's play some rummy since you've got your focus. It wasn't even a fair match before our bit of heart-to-heart."

"Naw. It probably wasn't. I was too distracted."

Steve retrieved his own cards, studying the hand as Soda began his turn. "Yep. But we're both totally present now, man, so we get to find out which one of us is a winner."

"She feels really hot, Samuel. I think she has a fever."

Samuel kneeled down beside Vivian, who held Emily in her lap, the infant's cheeks flushed as she cried. He touched his daughter's forehead and belly, feeling the warmth his wife had described. "She does feel like it. I'll get the thermometer and run a cool bath for her. Then, I'll run to the drugstore and get the elixir."

Vivian cuddled Emily closer, the baby nuzzling into her chest as she tried to get comfortable. "She was fussy all day today, but I didn't think a lot about it. So many things can make a baby that way. Maybe if I had-"

"Honey, you couldn't know she was sick without any clear symptoms. Let's just take her temperature so we'll have an idea of what to tell the pediatrician. I'm sure he'll know exactly what we should do next."

"What's wrong, man? Can't believe I won or something?"

Soda felt himself shiver as he and Steve finished tallying up their points from the hand of rummy they'd just played. "Oh. Uh, yeah, I'm real shocked about it. I, um, thought my hand was pretty good."

Steve's eyes narrowed as he watched Soda, not convinced by his best friend's forced answer. "I never meant that we couldn't talk anymore. You know that, right? Yeah, I wanted us to play and all since you seemed to be feeling better. But if you still need-"

"No. It's not that. I just have a funny feeling about somethin'."

"What?"

"I'm not sure. I just know it feels urgent. Like there's somethin' going on. But it ain't anything to do with me and counseling."

"You're losing me here, man. I've had bad feelings before, but I've kind of been able to tell where they were coming from and why."

"But I can't. Not this time anyway. All I know is I feel like somethin' is happening, and I can't do anything to fix it."

"Are you sure you're not just feeling anxious 'cause of what's been going on with you? It would make sense if you are."

"No. It's not that, Stevie. Please listen to me. Please don't make it sound like this is nothin' or all in my head or-"

"Buddy, that's not what I'm doing, okay? I am listening to you, and I know it's not nothing. I'd never downplay anything you're telling me. That just isn't what we do with one another."

Soda picked up the deck of cards and split it in half, beginning to shuffle as he felt a wave of what he could only describe as dread. "I know. Sorry. You're right about me bein' anxious, but it's not from today. I think it's somethin' else that ain't inside me, and I guess I just have to wait to find out what it is."

"I'm back with the medicine, honey. What did the doctor say?"

"He told me it's fine to give her the lowest dose of Tylenol. He does want to see her tomorrow morning. But he said if her fever goes above 101 tonight, we need to take her to the emergency room."

"So you made an appointment for tomorrow then?"

"Yes. It's at nine."

"Okay. I'll call ahead to work and let them know I'll be in a little bit late."

"You don't have to do that, Samuel. I can take her alone."

"I know you can, but I want to be there. It's been a long time since either of us has dealt with a sick baby, so we both need to be as involved as possible."

"You're staring at that card like it has the answer you need, buddy."

Soda studied the queen of diamonds he'd just drawn from the stack of cards as he and Steve got close to the end of their current hand. "Who knows? Maybe it does. Maybe if I look at somethin' long enough, what I'm wantin' to understand will finally be clear."