"From what you've said so far, it sounds as if the anger you were experiencing has been channeled into both constructive actions and sharing. Simply put, you didn't allow it to fester."

Steve sat across from Laura as he thought back over all he'd chosen to do in response to the feeling he'd had, realizing his counselor was right about what he'd revealed to her during their current session. "Yeah. I guess I didn't. I feel a lot better too. Like it shifted my whole perspective or something, so the anger just couldn't stay anymore. It had to go. Especially after me and Soda went to the school playground. Sitting there with him like that made a huge difference for me. I think there were just other emotions under the anger, and they got to come out."

Laura nodded, her gaze on Steve as she leaned forward in her chair. "And what other emotions were there? Can you tell me what you found underneath the anger?"

"Um, I guess I found fear and sadness. And hurt. Something kind of like nostalgia too but not quite. Even desperation. Because I felt like I needed to hold on to what I have, like mine and Soda's friendship and my relationship with my dad. I was practically pleading with Soda to reflect on our childhood, like I thought I could feel it all over again and go back to when we were young enough not to know anything bad. Then, after I got home, I was begging my dad to hold me and not let go. I was just so emotional, it felt overwhelming. I got like that for a little while last night too, even if it wasn't as much. But that was because of something different. Now that I'm thinking about it though, some parts are the same."

"What kind of comparison are you seeing, Steve? What sort of emotions did you experience last night?"

"I'm not really sure how to describe it, except to say something Soda said triggered a memory for me. Not that I'm blaming him or anything like that. Those things just happen sometimes, so it's not his fault."

"What did he say, and what memory was brought back for you?"

"One that's not so old. Only from a little over a year ago. That night when Soda was feeling the worst I'd ever seen him, and I couldn't even stand the thought of leaving. So I didn't. I was scared because he sounded like he'd already given up. Like he just had no fight left in him at all."

"So that was another time you felt desperate."

"Yeah. That's pretty much what I was thinking when I said some parts are the same. Remembering how Soda was then makes me want to hold on to him too. As weird as it might sound, I kind of cherish that memory in a way. It got triggered because he was telling me and Pony how much he loves us. Just out of the blue. In a moment where we'd all just been joking around and stuff. Something about him had the same vibe as the night last year."

"Which likely took you back to the feeling of helplessness we've discussed before. The lack of control over circumstances."

"Probably. All I know is it made me think of that night, and I had to ask him about it. I wanted to make sure he was okay."

"And was he?"

"Yeah. He wasn't anything like before. But once I got home, and I was playing Scrabble with my dad, I still couldn't stop thinking about it. I was remembering the things Soda said. Like how he begged me to keep being his best friend. How he said he wanted to die. And that he'd see me in Heaven. That was the first time I realized how much pain he was in and how dark his mind was getting."

"Those moments allowed you to be not just physically present with Sodapop, but emotionally as well."

"Yeah. That's kind of why I said I cherish that memory. Not because I enjoy remembering how bad Soda sounded, but because that night was when both of us really saw how open and deep with can be with each other. And there's just something about knowing he looked to me to help him. For safety. I think, if it hadn't been for that night, the one after it might not have been possible."

"Are you referring to the night when Sodapop disclosed to you that he had a specific plan for suicide?"

"Yeah. I never can get past hearing Soda's name and the word 'suicide' in the same sentence though. It just sounds wrong in every way. But I think things would've gotten a lot worse if he hadn't known he could share with me and get that stuff out of him. I feel like I've said all of this before too, but I'm just kind of stuck on it right now."

"I think that's okay, Steve. You may just need a little more work in processing what you witnessed in the weeks and months after Sodapop was shot."

"Apparently I do. I just didn't know it before now though. I wouldn't have thought that him saying what he did yesterday could send me so far in this direction."

"What direction do you mean? Where do you feel you're headed in terms of the path your memories have taken in response to the sentiment Sodapop expressed?"

"I don't know. I guess I just mean I didn't realize I would start thinking about both of those nights and everything he said to me. It seemed like I got it out of my system last night, but I must not have if I'm doing this now too. I don't want to get lost in reflecting on such a bad time. My best friend was suicidal, and that's still one of the most painful things I've ever had to know. I'm damn sure it always will be too. I love him with all my heart, and it's really tough to get over the fact that he hurt so much, he thought he should die. I can keep telling myself and you that nothing actually happened, but there's still some part of my head that's obsessing about those close calls. I'm so prone to that lately. Like my mind just gets trapped in this loop and goes around and around whatever's in the center."

"I'm sure I don't have to remind you how common that is with any kind of traumatic experience. It may seem counterproductive at the moment, but I'd like for us to go back to two of the things you've mentioned during our session today."

"Okay. Nothing you've gotten me to do has ever been counterproductive. It always makes sense. What did I say that you want us to go back to?"

"Your feelings regarding the first night we discussed. You told me you cherish that memory and why, but I'd like to go into that aspect a little bit more."

"Oh. I mean, I know that was kind of a crazy word to use, but-"

"No. It wasn't. Not at all. But it did strike me as putting a positive spin on the way you remember your interactions with Sodapop, which is why I'd like to go further into what it means from your perspective. I know you cherish the transparency the two of you were able to share and that you had the opportunity to help a friend at a time when it was critical. Since your mind is focused on that night, can you tell me what else you view as something you can cherish?"

"Um, I- I'm not sure if I want to do this. Yeah, you're kind of always right about stuff, but it feels funny to me to look too hard at that night like it was anything good. I sort of said it was, but Soda was in pain. So I shouldn't be saying this stuff at all, let alone turning it into a deep thing for counseling. Those nights we had weren't about me anyway. They were about him and making sure he was safe."

"Of course. But I think they were about both of you. Your experiences tie into Sodapop's too much to completely separate them. Like you said, he looked to you for safety."

"Well, he's not anymore, so maybe I just need to let it go. Those nights are over and done with, so I should put them in the back of my mind. He didn't get hurt then, and that's all that matters. He's alive, and he's okay. The worst thing he did was think about dying. He talked to me, and nothing bad even happened."

Laura saw Steve cross his arms over his chest, the last few minutes letting her know that her client's defenses had gone up. "If you don't want to talk about this subject anymore, we can discuss something else. I can see it's beginning to make you upset, and that isn't my intention. My only goal is to help you process your memories in a way that makes sense for you."

Steve heard the softness of Laura's voice, her tone working to defuse the tension he was feeling inside. "I-uh, I'm sorry for getting like that. I'm not sure what happened."

"It's all right, Steve. No apology is necessary."

"To, um, answer your question, I guess I cherish how me and Soda got to be with each other. No, I know I do. I know I said that already too. I'm just having kind of a hard time admitting exactly how I feel right now. Like I think it's not supposed to be that way or something."

"As I'm certain you could predict, I think that any feeling you have is understandable and appropriate to the situation. I'm aware of how open you and Sodapop were able to be with one another, so is there more to it?"

"Yeah. Sort of. I mean, it's all about being open, transparent, and that kind of stuff. But I cherish how me and Soda had no boundaries during both of the nights we've been talking about. We could say and even do anything because it was just us. Everybody else was somewhere outside the room. It was important to me to have that privacy because I needed to tell him I loved him. I needed to hold him and kiss him on the head. I know he needed those things too."

"Like we've talked about before, those physical touches meant a lot to you."

"Right. We were talking about death and how suicidal thoughts are and just being as real as can be. Everything was so physical and emotional, and I can't pretend that I don't see that as a blessing. It's like our whole selves were involved in those moments, and I never want to lose that connection. Soda's been looking everywhere else for help lately though, so I'm not sure how to hang on to it."

"I realize I haven't been around the two of you together, but the way you talk about your friendship, it always sounds very close. Why do you feel as if Sodapop's been doing anything differently? How is your relationship being threatened?"

"I wouldn't say it's being threatened. I didn't mean it like that. I just meant he's not looking to me for safety anymore, so I guess I miss that."

"You said he's been looking everywhere else for help. What led you to that conclusion?"

"I don't know. Maybe it's not even a conclusion. Maybe it's just something I said. I don't think I want to keep talking about this. I answered your question, so can we please move on? Especially since I sound like I want Soda to hurt more again. I just want him to still come to me if something is wrong. Not take medicine or go off by himself. See? I'm making things about me again when they shouldn't be."

"I just see it as you talking about your feelings and perspective, which is exactly what you're supposed to do here. I know how it affected you when Sodapop left without explanation, but some time has passed since you've mentioned the incident with the cough syrup."

"Yeah. I don't know why I brought that up. It has nothing to do with what we were talking about."

"I have to disagree. It has plenty to do with the times you and Sodapop spent together last year."

"He wasn't suicidal when he took the medicine though. He was just trying to get away, so he wanted to sleep for a while."

"Yes. I remember. But this was another night you spent with him, right? One where you talked and were there for each other?"

"Yeah. Of course. He needed to talk about what was going on. I guess I did too. Because he scared me. I didn't like that he got even a little bit close to doing what I did." Steve felt himself return to the afternoon that had taken place more than two months before, the image of his best friend lying still on the bed so real, it may as well have been in Laura's office with him. "And I don't like that I came in second."

"Yes. We took her to the doctor yesterday morning. He said she has an ear infection."

Soda looked at the two medicines that were out on the Evans' counter, seeing both an over-the-counter drug and a prescription as Samuel washed a pair of glass bottles at the sink. "Yesterday? So she ran the fever on Monday night?"

Samuel added soap, rinsing out both the bottles and their nipples before transferring them to the pot of boiling water on the stove. "Late Monday afternoon. But she's starting to feel better. The antibiotic only took a couple of doses to make a difference."

"Oh. I mean, that's good. I'm glad she's okay. Kids get those a lot, right? Ear infections?"

"Some do, yes."

"So it's nothin' serious then?"

"No. Just part of childhood. Don't worry. Though I admit I did as well. She's little, so a fever is still scary."

"Yeah. I bet. Was it real high?"

"About 100.5, maybe less. Thankfully, not over 101, so no need to go to the emergency room."

Soda's gaze moved to the hall, where he knew Emily was in her bedroom with Vivian. "Um, maybe I don't have a right to ask this, but if there ever is an emergency like that, would you call me? Not right away, but I'd just like to know. It's not like you have to, but-"

"Of course. It's not a problem, Sodapop. If anything serious happened with Emily, I'd keep you in the loop about how she is. I promise."

"Um, thanks, I guess. I feel sort of awkward askin' for anything. Since, you know, she's ya'll's kid. But I get concerned about her too."

"Well, I don't feel awkward at all in doing this." Samuel left the bottles to sterilize and went over to Soda, putting his hands on his shoulders in a way that made the younger man look right at him. "She is our child, but that doesn't make her any less someone you care about and love. I know most of what goes on with Emily is left up to me and Vivian as her parents. We make decisions about her life and how she's raised. But, when it comes to what you'd like to know or be part of, I'll always respect your wishes."

"Wow, man. I bet that's why you had a bad feeling when we were playing cards on Monday."

Soda sat with Steve on the Randles' front porch swing, his eyes cast down as he spoke. "Yeah. That's what I was thinkin' as soon as Samuel told me. Must've been my intuition. Sure did feel real strong though."

Steve relaxed against the back of the swing, his gaze focused on Soda despite the direction his earlier counseling session had taken. "That makes sense. I'm not surprised you felt something. It's probably tough not to assume any kind of vibe is serious too just 'cause lots of bad stuff has happened. Plus, you'd just come from seeing Dr. Morgan, so maybe you were vulnerable to pretty much any feeling that could come along. Even some other one would've been strong."

Soda's eyes moved up, his gaze landing on Steve as he tried to decide how to word what he wanted to say and whether he should pursue the subject at all. "Can I ask you somethin'?"

"Sure. Always, buddy. What is it?"

"I, um, I told Dr. Morgan about some stuff, and I'm just wonderin' if it's all right that I did."

"Well, I can't see how it wouldn't be. It's your counseling session, so you can talk about anything you want."

"Yeah. I know that's usually true, but I sort of, uh, told her about you."

"Me? What about me?"

Soda felt the guilt descend on him once again as Steve's eyes stared intently, his best friend having no idea what could've been revealed about himself. "That you- I mean, I told her what happened to you. I'm sorry, Stevie. It ain't ever mine to tell. I-"

"Soda. Calm down, buddy. Are you saying you told Dr. Morgan that I was abused?"

"Yeah. And not just that you were. I told her how it was sexual and- and about who Clara was. I even told her a little about what I remember. Is that okay?"

"Yeah, it's okay. I'm surprised it took you this long, man. I would've guessed Dr. Morgan knew already. Did you think I wouldn't want you to tell her?"

"I wasn't sure, and I've just never felt right about tellin' anyone else. 'Cause I ain't you."

"Is this what was bothering you after you got back from counseling that day?"

"Maybe. I got kind of shaken up from talkin' about it, then I started wonderin' if I did anything wrong. I didn't want you to be upset with me."

Steve put his hand on Soda's wrist, giving it a squeeze. "You didn't do a damn thing wrong, Sodapop. Please don't feel like you did. I get thinking it's not right to tell anybody else, but your therapist is not in that category. I can't even think of a single thing I'd ask you not to tell Dr. Morgan. If you need to talk about something, I always want you to say it to her. It'd be wrong for me to be any different about it, especially when I know how important counseling is and that you need to be open for it to help. Hell, I talked about a lot today myself. I got pretty hesitant sometimes, but do you know what Laura did?"

"What?"

"She reminded me what are sessions are for and that she's there to help. She let me lead, you know? If I had really wanted to stop and talk about something else, I could have. She would never force me. I was kind of giving her a hard time, but she was still like my guide. She gave me a choice about which way to go. That's something she always does, and I bet Dr. Morgan does it with you too."

"Yeah. She does."

"So, my point is you told her about how I was abused because you needed to talk about it. However the rest of your session went, there's a reason she guided you where she did. I think Laura can always tell when I need to keep going deeper, and she's really good about showing me what she can see without being too tough. She's gentle, but it's exactly the kind of nudge I need at certain times."

"Dr. Morgan nudged me a lot this week. 'Cause she noticed what I kept doin'. How I'd talk about you and what happened without really sayin' it. So she was real direct in askin' about it. But she didn't tell me I had to talk more either. She was gentle too."

"I can imagine, buddy. I've seen her with you. She seems in sync with you and what you need, which is basically the whole purpose."

"It's really okay then? You ain't hurt that I told her?"

"Yes, it's okay, and no, I'm not hurt. Get that into your head, brother. It's more than fine for Dr. Morgan to know that I was abused."

Soda finally accepted the answer, finding that he didn't want this conversation to stop there despite how difficult it had been for him to start it. "Do you know what the hardest thing was about tellin' her, Stevie?"

Steve moved his hand that had remained on Soda's wrist, putting his arm around his best friend's shoulders. "No. What was the hardest thing?"

Soda looked at Steve for a moment, then shook his head. "Never mind. I shouldn't be sayin' this to you. It ain't fair."

"Screw 'not fair,' man. There's nothing fair about the entire situation. It's unfair that I was sexually abused. It's unfair that you've hurt because of it too. But you know what? I don't give a fuck about fair right now. I care about you, and I want to hear anything you have to say. If you can honestly tell me that you don't want to talk anymore, that's fine. But don't cut yourself off here just because of how you think I might feel. I know you don't bring things up without a reason either, so please, if you want me to know the hardest part of telling Dr. Morgan about how I was abused, keep going. Because this is what we do for each other, and I don't want anything to ever get in the way of that. So forget about what's fair, and just let me be your best friend. Let me be what I've always been."

Soda felt the arm that was still around his shoulders squeeze him as he stared back at Steve, his best friend's admonition both harsh and touching. "The hardest part was thinkin' again about how much you suffered. I'd never said the words before, so sayin' them to Dr. Morgan brought that back to me. I haven't told you this before, but I've got a picture in my head of you bein' abused. It's been real vivid sometimes too. Like I can see you there in your bed. I wasn't with you at those times, and I never saw anything. But it's still there. Like a memory my mind made up 'cause of the things you've told me about. I even wonder what would've happened if I had seen somethin'."

"I don't. Clara would've said or done whatever she had to to keep you quiet. We know what kind of person she was, and she sure wouldn't have been all right with getting caught by another kid. That would've made me really scared for you, and I probably would've had a hard time even facing you again too. The shame was just too bad, man, and for you to witness anything might've made it feel worse. I get it about the memories though. I have some like that too. Things I didn't actually see, but just knowing they happened is enough. They're still traumatic, even though my head created them."

Soda saw the reel of what-ifs play inside his mind: What if I had found out about what was happening? What if Clara had abused me too? What if Nicholas had never caught her? What if Steve hadn't had a safe place to go?

Steve gave his friend the gentlest of shakes, his voice now as soft as he could make it. "Buddy, try not to get into all the stuff about what could've happened, all right? It went the way it went, and I've been safe for a long time now. Believe me, I've asked myself plenty of questions too, but neither of us can go back and change the past. Even if we could, I'm the only one who'd be able to make things different."

"You are? Why?"

"Because I was Clara's victim. I knew what was happening. No matter what questions we ask now or how you spin your memories, I knew and you didn't. And the fact is I was never going to tell anybody. Not you. Not my dad. Nobody. It wasn't even an option to me, and I can't think of anything that would've made it one."

"It's still strange to realize I didn't know somethin' so huge, Stevie. I mean, I know we've been through all this before, but it never stops bein' a shock. Maybe I ought to be over it by now, but I'm not."

"No rule says you have to be. I can think of a few things I'm not over yet either. But maybe that's not what happens anyway. Maybe we aren't really supposed to get over the stuff in our lives that's the most painful. That seems like a lot to ask of anybody honestly."

"It does."

"Besides, I think we have the kind of deal where we can be open about that. We don't expect each other to be just done with the things that hurt us. We both know that's not a realistic way to look at it. Some types of pain don't totally go away. Which is fine, I guess. It's something we get used to." Steve paused and looked at Soda, the real presence of his best friend eclipsing the remaining vision he had of a recent struggle. "Because we really don't have a choice."