Darry lifted his hand, his knuckles lightly knocking on Pony's door. "Hey, Pone? I'm back. Can I please talk to you?"

Silence.

"Ponyboy, open the door. I-"

"Just open it yourself and come in, Darry. I'm not stopping you."

Darry turned the knob, entering the room to see his youngest brother absorbed in a sketchbook. "I'm sorry for leaving things the way I did. I've been worrying too much, but that's no excuse for talking to you like that either."

Pony still kept the pencil in his hand, his eyes not looking up from the paper that was in front of him. "It's fine. You apologized earlier."

Darry remained in his spot, hands shoved in his pockets as he tried to decide what else he needed to say. "And what you said about Soda not being here, I hope you know that I'd never-"

"Please stop. We both know Soda's your favorite brother, and you don't really want to be in here talking to me. He's not home, so you don't have to pretend you care."

"Pretend I- Ponyboy, that is not what I'm doing. Where is this coming from? I was stressed and irritable earlier, but that doesn't mean I don't care about you."

"You never talk to Soda like that though. You never snap at him."

"Are you kidding me right now? Soda and I both definitely have our moments when we go at each other. You've lashed out at us too, so you best get off your high horse and-"

Pony suddenly laughed, his eyes finally moving up to meet Darry's. "Hey, that's a good one, Dar."

"What the hell is so funny?"

"You just told a guy named 'Ponyboy' to get off his high horse. What's next? You going to tell me to get back in the saddle?"

Darry felt himself begin to smile, his youngest brother's laughter contagious. "What's gotten into you, kiddo? You were so mad, and now you're making the kind of jokes TwoBit would."

"I just realized how ridiculous I sounded. I'm sorry, Darry. I never even asked why you've been worrying, and I should've as soon as you said it."

"It's okay, Pone. I basically started the whole thing." Darry sat down with Pony, his arm falling around his younger brother's shoulders. "I've been unreasonably worried about Soda."

"Why? Did something happen before he left?"

"No. Nothing at all, actually. Hence the word 'unreasonably.' I just get scared easily now and him being away, well, that damn sure doesn't help."

"I don't think it's unreasonable, Dar. Not even a little bit. You've spent over a year with lots of good reasons to be worried about Soda. You don't stop just because he left the city."

Darry gave Pony a grin, shaking his head as he thought of each conversation he'd had following Soda's departure. "I swear, everybody's been better to me today than I've been to myself. I don't know what to make of it."

"I do. Be nicer to yourself. If you are, you'll be less pissed off."

"You think so, huh? I'll try Pone. Really. And for now, I'll also remember everything's fine. Soda's safe. Him and Steve are in Kansas, and the most that's happening is just the two of them doing what they do best."

"Are you kidding me, man? That chick wasn't looking at me. She was checking you out. Sodapop Curtis even casts a spell on women in other states."

Soda followed Steve into the hotel room once the latter had unlocked the door, the pair now back from their exploration of the nearby city. "But I'm already taken, Stevie. Besides, she was standin' pretty far away, so it's not like we could really tell for sure anyway."

Steve left his keys on the bedside table, turning on one of the lamps before he unzipped his duffel bag. "Maybe. But I can barely think of a time a woman looked at me instead of you. I really need a shower, man. Then we can talk or do whatever."

"Hey, now I feel like I need some hot chocolate."

"Tell me about it, buddy. I guess we'll have to settle for warm sodapop."

"Aw, I'm always nice and warm."

Steve rolled his eyes as he went into the small bathroom and turned on the shower. "I walked right into that one, didn't I?"

"Sure did." Soda saw the bathroom door close, then turned his attention to the zippered pocket on the side of his duffel bag. He opened it to take out the two pictures he'd brought along on the trip. Why did I do this? Soda thought as he stared at Emily's face. Why did I bring these to look at when I'm only going to be gone for two days?

Lost in his musings, Soda didn't hear the shower shut off, his eyes still on the photos when Steve came out of the bathroom a few minutes later.

"Man, that felt good. Now I'm ready to settle in for the night. We should get out the deck of cards I packed, watch a little TV, and- Hey, are you okay?"

Soda felt Steve's hand touching his shoulder as he quickly slipped the pictures back into the pocket. "Oh. Yeah, I'm great. We should play cards, watch TV, have some drinks, and move those chairs over by the big window so-"

"Woah, slow down and take a breath, Soda." Steve squeezed his friend's shoulder as he got right into the other man's line of vision, their gazes easily catching one another. "You kept encouraging me earlier, so maybe it can be my turn now."

"No. I don't need anything, Stevie. Really. I just brought some pictures with me. It's not a big deal."

"The pictures aren't, but the way you were looking at them just now might be. Come on, you wanted me to be open and real with you, so give that to yourself too. You did say you wanted to make things even, and this seems like the perfect chance."

"I know. But you really needed me, and this ain't like that. I'm overthinkin' is all, and my mind feels like it's spinnin' in circles over stuff that barely even makes sense. I should be able to control it."

"I understand the feeling, but that's too much to expect, man. It sounds like you do need somebody as much as I did because you're anxious."

"I am. And I did want to talk to you about Emily and what I said in the car earlier but not like this. I just wanted to tell you, not be a mess at the same time."

"For the record, I don't think you're a mess. I do want to hear what you've got to say too. There have been times lately where I-" Steve stopped himself, wanting to make sure he kept the focus on Soda for right now. "I mean, I always like being the one to listen to you. And not just because our friendship is a two-way street, but because that's like this part of me now. It's part of us. So, forget everything else, and let's just talk, buddy. Like you said, we didn't leave our heart-to-hearts in Tulsa. I'm pretty sure we couldn't, even if we had tried."

Soda let himself be led to one of the chairs in the corner where the TV set was, he and Steve both sitting down so that they remained face-to-face. "I'm not even sure where to start or how to talk or what to do or-"

"The same way you do it all the time." Steve's hands found each of Soda's and wrapped around them protectively. "I think I know where to start. In the car today, you told me that you know your place in Emily's life, but you're afraid of losing it. You said something about it being gone if you step out of line. What does that mean?"

"I guess it's a lot like how I would be scared of losin' ya'll. How I felt like I might get to be too much or too hard to love."

"I hope you always know now that that could never happen. Like I've told you before, there's nothing conditional here. I think you should talk to Samuel about this too, even though it does sound like the insecurity you've had already is just extending to Emily. I can't imagine what you stepping out of line would look like, but I understand how bad the anxiety can feel."

"I ain't so sure what it would look like either. I just know I get worried I'll do or say somethin' wrong. I have to make sure I do what I'm supposed to and follow all the rules."

"Rules? What rules?"

"The ones that say Samuel and Vivian are Emily's parents. So they're the ones that make the decisions. Not me. What I think about stuff doesn't matter, and I have to respect that."

"I think I can see where all this is coming from now, brother. But I wish you wouldn't look at it the way you are 'cause I don't think they see you in that kind of light at all. Yeah, they're her parents, but it sounds like you're being too rough with yourself over it. Maybe you don't decide the types of things they will as parents, but that doesn't mean what you think couldn't matter. Emily has a lot of growing up to do too, so you're just getting started with how it will be between everybody. Please don't get off on the wrong foot here by looking at where you start as a place that's bad or full of pressure because it's not. Or it doesn't have to be anyway."

"I know. I want to see it all as somethin' good, but I still slip into feeling off about it again. It's kind of like when I saw Emily at church for the first time, and everything just hit me 'cause there are so many parts I have to see. There ain't just me bein' glad to be around her. It's not that simple."

"Yeah. There's plenty of truth in that, man. I hope I didn't make it sound like this isn't complicated. I know it's not black and white." Steve gave Soda's hands a squeeze, then started to let go, only for his best friend's grip to grow fierce. "I'm not going anywhere, buddy. I'm still here with you."

Soda nodded as he hung on to the moment that had swooped him up into itself, his spirit not ready to let it go. "I'm done talkin', but can we just sit here for a little while, Stevie? Like we are right now?"

"Sure. Whatever you want, brother."

Soda tightened his hold on Steve's hands once again, the physical reassurance ushering him into a place of solace and hope.

Steve accepted the invitation to silence, simply being with Soda in a sacred space that covered them both in stillness. He then felt gratitude stirring inside as his friend counted on him, what he'd feared had been on the edge of fading restored at last.

"So, what do you think? Are you staying over tonight?"

Audrey looked into Nicholas' eyes as their lips parted, her hands still on his waist. "I'd love to. I need to run home to grab a few things first though."

Nicholas pondered the butterflies in his stomach as he thought of spending an entire night with the woman he loved, his anxiety feeling out of proportion. "Okay. I'm looking forward to it then. I mean to you coming back and to our night. Not to you leaving to get your things."

"I understood what you meant. Are you nervous or something? I promise I'll still be beautiful in the morning, if that's what you're worried about."

"Oh. It's nothing like that. I wasn't even thinking of how you look."

Audrey laughed as she touched Nicholas' cheek. "I was kidding. You realize that, right?"

Nicholas smiled as he felt the soft touch, Audrey's laughter a distraction from his thoughts. "Yes. I'm sorry. I'm thinking too much. That's all."

"Is it anything to do with Steve being away?"

"How did you know?"

"Just a guess. You're close, and he's always here. Or at least at Sodapop's house."

Nicholas sighed as he decided to be completely upfront with Audrey. "It's something more than the fact that he's away. I feel like I'm a man sneaking around behind his son's back while he's in Kansas. We're both adults, but you haven't spent the night here yet."

"Do you think it would make Steve uncomfortable?"

"No. It's just something I'd want him to know about ahead of time if he were home. The last woman who spent a night in our house was-"

"Clara. I know by now, Nicholas. Every first for us is a first for you in several years."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring it up again. My son is nineteen years old. He's not a kid I need to protect from somebody I'm dating until I know more about where it's going, and you're the woman I'm planning to marry. He knows what we do se- well, what we do behind closed doors."

"But seeing it up close that time did affect him. No matter his age, you're still his dad, and what might just be awkward for other kids is much harder for him."

"How did I get so damn lucky? You must be the most understanding woman on the planet."

"Being any other way wouldn't help you, now would it? But I need to go before it gets much later." Audrey planted a kiss on Nicholas' cheek, her lips lingering there briefly. "I love you, and when I get back, we can both see how lucky we truly are."

"Man, that Lucy is something else. Ricky's sure got his hands full with her."

Soda chuckled, the TV going to a commercial as he and Steve were watching The Lucy Show and playing cards. "Hey, she keeps him busy and laughin'."

Steve yawned as he drew a card, playing the five of clubs on the straight in front of him. "Yeah, that she does. I think this is the last hand for me, man. I'm just about ready to sleep. It's been a pretty long day for us."

"It has. In more ways than one. I feel like we've had a little bit of everything just since we got here to the hotel."

"Well, like you said earlier, our trip is for jokes, love, and laughter."

Soda drew a card, this one revealing itself to be a four of diamonds, which he then discarded. "I think there's been more love than anything else."

"Naturally." Steve drew another card, an ace of spades allowing him to play it along with its matching two and three. He then tossed his last card in the discard pile. "I'm out, man. Time for bed."

Soda followed suit as Steve gathered the cards and put them in a single stack, a yawn escaping him as well. "Guess I'm tired too."

Steve switched the TV and the lights off, he and Soda both climbing into their respective beds. "Yeah. Good night, buddy."

"Night, Stevie."

Steve pulled the covers over his head and closed his eyes. He opened them a moment later, seeing his best friend tucked in just feet away. He started to say something more, then changed his mind, knowing the truth and affection remained constant even when the words were left unspoken.

Nicholas sat with Audrey on the front porch swing, one blanket draped around both of them as they reminisced about a time that wasn't long ago. "It's hard to believe that was only last year. It feels like just yesterday that Steve was trying to convince me to ask you out."

Audrey laid her head on Nicholas' chest, his steady warmth her refuge from a chilly night. "I'll never forget him yelling across the church to say you had something to ask me."

"Me neither. It was so embarrassing, but that's how much he believed I needed to just go for it. He knew I liked you even before I did."

"And I knew too. I saw how you looked at me that first time Samuel introduced us. I could see something in your eyes instantly."

"And what did you see? Something words can't describe?"

Audrey tilted her head to look up at Nicholas' face, her memory of the day they'd met still sharp. "Oh, I can describe it easily. When I looked in your eyes, I saw sparks."

Where am I? Steve wondered as he awoke. What's going on? He forced his eyes open, vaguely recognizing the hotel room. He heard Soda's soft breathing coming from the bed next to his own, the sound making him sit up. He's just sleeping, he told himself. Soda's fine. Nothing is wrong. Go back to sleep. Unable to convince himself, Steve slid out from under his covers and went over to the other bed. He sat down on the edge, leaning against the headboard as he watched Soda slumber. See? he thought. Nothing is happening. He's safe.

Sensing the extra weight on the bed and the physical presence beside him, Soda's eyes began to flutter, opening blearily to see Steve there. "Stevie? What're you doin'? You okay?"

Steve responded by lying down next to Soda, his friend scooting over a little to make space for him. "I don't know. I just woke up confused at first, then I saw you asleep."

Soda propped himself up on one elbow, reaching to turn on a light. "You have a nightmare or somethin'?"

"No. It's not that. Sorry I woke you up. I shouldn't have."

Seeing Steve start to leave the bed, Soda grabbed his shoulder and pulled him back down. "But you did. I ain't upset over it. I just want to know why."

Steve took a moment to answer, his head now on the pillow once more as Soda's hand still gripped his shoulder. "I wasn't honest with you, Soda."

"About what?"

"You asked me if I was mad at you before, and I didn't tell you the truth. I just asked if I acted like I was mad 'cause I knew I never did."

"So why were you mad at me then? What did I do? Whatever it was, I'm real sorry."

"That's just it. It's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong."

"You sound like I did after you visited Emily when I couldn't yet. My anger wasn't so logical either, but it came anyway."

"Laura's the one who helped me get it. Right after you left that one day when you were trying to figure things out."

"You were angry about me takin' off the way I did?"

"Yeah. But it's messier than that. I wasn't just mad because you left. I was hurt because you didn't come to me. You had a right to do whatever you needed to though, so don't go believing you didn't."

"You've got a right to feel whatever you did too. Sounds like stuff just got real mixed up here."

"It did, and I hated how I could be angry. But when I was with you, I couldn't feel it anymore. It's like I would just melt. That's one reason I didn't want to tell you about it, especially when things were already hard for you."

"I understand. Could've guessed myself, in fact."

Steve turned his face into the pillow, the late hour making him not only drowsy, but also prone to the emotions and memories he'd mostly explored in private. "But it gets worse, and I'm so sorry about it."

"What's so bad, buddy? It's all right that you were angry. It's even all right that you didn't tell me till now. I'm here for you just the same."

"But I mean it's not only about that day, Soda. I started feeling like you were doing other things instead of coming to me. Not just once but twice. Maybe that's still not a lot, but it hurt because I felt like I was getting pushed aside."

Soda laid his head on the pillow beside Steve's, a hand brushing his friend's cheek where he could see a falling tear. "Twice? When else didn't I come to you? I'd never push you aside. Never. I'm sorry anything I did hurt you. I sure didn't mean for it to."

"The day you took the cough syrup. You did that instead of talking to me. And when you left without telling anybody, I think it reminded me of when you took the medicine. I didn't see it till I was talking to Laura, and the connections just poured out. But it's hell any time I know I can't be there for you. That's why I was clinging to you last weekend. Because I needed to be close. I needed us to be together."

"Aw, Stevie. Man, do I feel like an ass right now. I didn't know me takin' that cough syrup was still botherin' you. It sure never dawned on me that my leavin' could feel the same way either." Soda pressed a kiss to Steve's forehead, just as his friend had done for him several times before, his arm then falling around him. "I think this is the place we start over. We've gotta wipe the slate clean 'cause everything's all wrapped up in knots. We've both done stuff we regret. I've done things you wished I didn't, and you've done things I wished you didn't. But it's out in the open, and we're okay."

Steve felt himself begin to laugh as he gripped on to Soda. "Hot damn, buddy. We're really killing it for sappiness tonight. Just look at us."

"Yep. We oughta get an award for bein' so sappy and sweet."

Steve sat up on the bed, hands wiping away what was left of the tears he'd cried. "You're right. We do need to start over here. Even if I'm not sure exactly how to do that."

Soda sat up as well as he considered the boundless measures of reassurance he knew Steve would offer him if the roles were reversed. He put both hands on his friend's face, making sure their eyes connected before he spoke. "We already are. Just decidin' that is enough. We always forgive each other and set things right. That's all it takes. Then we just keep on lovin' one another and makin' sure we both remember we ain't perfect people. We mess up sometimes, and stuff hurts us. But we're real good at workin' everything out any time we need to."

Steve kept his gaze locked with Soda's as he felt his friend's touch slip to his shoulders. "Shit, I can't believe I woke you up in the middle of the night for this. But when my eyes opened and I saw you here asleep, something clicked. I just had to come sit with you, like part of me thought it was that day again."

"Yeah, I figured. That's a pretty easy one to catch."

Steve went back to his own bed as Soda switched off the light, the room falling dark for the second time that night. He burrowed beneath the covers, wrapping himself in the blanket. "Good night again, brother. I love you."

"Good night, Stevie. I love you too. Now, get some rest. We've got a lot of time to spend tomorrow, and I don't want us to waste a single minute."

Dear Emily,

I'm not sure why I'm writing this when you're still such a small baby, but I think it's important to get the words on the page early.

You'll be older before you know the whole story or even parts of it. Truth be told, it's difficult for me to imagine having you realize that your brother is in Heaven. But I'm getting ahead of myself to be considering that at all. The same with the idea of you being aware that you're adopted.

Yet, those facts will matter down the road. They'll be part of you as you grow up. What I always want you to know for now and forever is how much your mom and I love you. Our love goes above and beyond, and when you're older, I hope to be able to explain to you how God intervened and used you to restore my faith. In him, in life, and in fatherhood.

You're not quite four months old, but I can look back over nearly a year and honestly say I heard a still, small voice that told me you'd be ours. It was the gentlest of whispers, but it was there. I pray you can hear it someday too, no matter what storms come your way.

Love always,

Daddy