Disclaimer: nope. not. never. not mine.
A/N: Thank you all so much for your kind words. I am so happy to be writing again. I don't know that it is even close to being my best work but I am glad to have it out there. To put words on the page, and feel something beyond this day in and day out. To my lovely, lovely reviewers: Thank you so much! You mean the world to me. Please do not feel bad if I do not get to respond, much of this I do from my phone, from bed. It isn't easy, and I find myself without a computer at the moment. But I do read every one of them, and am so thankful for them. Moewe your quiet friendship has been so lovely and welcome these years as I've been working on this story. I will write you soon!
I've received a few questions about what is going on with me, and the truth is I am not entirely certain, and that uncertainty is the scariest thing I can think of. I have over the last six months dislocated my knee a dozen times and will most certainly need surgery, that is the least of it at the moment as my thyroid continues to shut down and we consider what may be the root of the issues. My hair is dreadful, not that it matters to anyone but me. I suppose there is more to the story there, but this story isn't mine, and that isn't why you are here, so I shant bore all of you with the tale.
just know that I love you! Thank you for the support. I apologize for mistakes. I am without beta - and just wanted to write, and to post, while I can.
all my love - LIL
They landed, Severus' coat flapping around their ankles, in a quiet dirty alleyway between two rubbage bins. As their feet found purchase on the old cobblestones Severus wrapped his arm a little tighter around Hermione pulling her body flush with his, her back arching and her décolleté tantalizingly on display. His kiss was both soft and sure, slow and deliberate, and Hermione found herself returning it with fervor. In his arms her past melted away, leaving her free to live in the moment, reveling in the possibilities of each new experience and enjoying every day occurrences as if for the first time.
She pushed herself up onto the tips of her toes, further deepening their kiss. It was both a promise and a question. She would trust him. Could he really help her through? Could he understand?
"Yesssss." The simple answer to a question never spoken aloud pulled Hermione from her thoughts and their kiss.
She looked up into his eyes, an almost pained question twisting her features before it fell from her lips. "Did you just, I mean, I know you could, but I always thought...that is I'd hoped, I mean you could ask, and I'd let you I th..." Severus silenced her with one of his long fingers on the bow of her lip.
"Hermione, I swear to you I would not ever invade your thoughts without your expressed permission. I do not believe I even heard a question, verbally or inside of your beautiful mind. I just felt it. I will not tell you I understand, and honestly Hermione, my darling, I don't even know what the question was. I only know the answer was 'yes.'" He kissed her again before she could question him. He had never quite felt anything like what had just happened between them but he knew that it was important.
Whatever the truth was it scared Hermione. She knew in her heart that she could trust him, even when she couldn't always understand what was going on. She loved him, and she could see the honesty in his face, and the love he had for her was clear.
Severus knew it wasn't the right moment to delve for deeper meaning into what had happened. He wouldn't forget about it for long, but his plans for the evening needed to continue on course. They needed to talk and she desperately needed to start taking better care of herself.
He pulled her in again, placing a soft kiss on the top of her head. It was odd how a small gesture like that had so easily become one of his favorite things to do. "Let's enjoy a lovely dinner, we can ponder how deeply connected I've grown to you another day. For the moment, we could both use a hearty meal. Come along," he told her, his mind on so much more than food.
She nodded, sucking her lip between her teeth, worrying the flesh while her mind tried to grasp for answers to questions she didn't yet understand. To a muggle born witch it would seem it was going to be a lifelong struggle.
Hand in hand they turned and stepped from their spot between the bins passing a homeless man lying in a heap of dirty blankets and empty bottles. Hermione couldn't be sure, her Italian not a strong as her Latin or French, but she thought he asked them if they'd always been there.
Severus merely harrumphed at the beggar and led Hermione down the old alleyway toward one of his favorite little hideaways.
They followed the pink cobblestone pathway out onto a quiet little street lined with small stucco building's of various colors. Window boxes were bursting with bright assortments of flowers and herbs, and ivy crept up walls clinging to cracks and corners as it wove its own path up the front and sides of homes and small shops. Across the street Hermione noticed a small cart with a broken wheel that seemed to have become a permanent fixture on the street. Small blue flowers were growing up out of the cobblestones and grasping on to the cart as if it were a trellis, and where once a merchant had housed wares to sell someone had filled it in with soil and wildflowers. A small statue of three fairies dancing about sat in amongst the flora.
They walked together for several blocks, with Hermione's small hand tucked in the crook of Severus' arm. After walking in relative silence for about a block simply taking in the scenery, she rested her head against his shoulder, tucking herself more snugly against his side. "Where are we Severus?" she asked.
It was obvious they were outside of London, and she assumed he had swept her off to some remote village in Italy, especially if the drunken homeless man was any indication. She wasn't entirely sure it was necessary to travel to Italy simply to have good Italian food, in fact she remembered a lovely little place not far from the house. She knew Severus was a highly private man, and it did seem to make sense that he would prefer somewhere out of the way, and she supposed that when one had the ability to apparate across the continent it certainly opened up a new world of possibilities.
"We are in Italy. Montescaglioso to be precise. It has long since been one of my favorite places to escape to. I actually came here after my graduation from Hogwarts to apprentice under an Italian Potions Mistress," he informed her, delighting in the way a small piece of information was always the precursor to a barrage of questions. He thought it wise to keep her chatting about happier subjects until they reached the restaurant.
Hermione took the bait. She looked up into his face and smiled. "I had assumed we were in Italy. It doesn't look like this is a Magical community though. I hadn't ever really thought about where you received your Mastery. Who did you apprentice? Was it here, in Montesgeclisio?" A litany of questions fell from her tongue just as he had anticipated.
Severus laughed aloud at her mispronunciation of Montescaglioso. "Have I found a topic in which the little know it all is not well read?" he asked her, his tone playfully teasing, for all that Severus Snape sounded playful.
"Montescaglioso is not a Magical community itself, but like London, it has doors that open it up to a very small, old world, Magical Community. Valle Maestosa, the Majestic Valley, is even smaller than Hogsmead, and is thought by many to be slightly out of touch with the modern Magical world. It has changed very little over time, even by Wizarding Standards. It is a primarily pure-blood community," he began telling her a little history on the small village they were quickly approaching. He could tell she was a little surprised and perhaps a tad nervous about visiting a community that was entirely populated by pure-blooded Witches and Wizards.
She stiffened ever so slightly by his side, her grip tightening on his arm just a tad, but it was a clear sign of her trust in him that she simply let him continue telling his tale.
"It is not that the Witches and Wizards who live in Valle Maestosa are Pure-Blood elitists, simply that the same family lines that were here thousand of years ago are the same that are here today. Many of the families here choose to follow a more home-schooled approach to raising their children, and as a result many of the younger generations have simply not had an opportunity to develop relationships with many outsiders. There have been of course, over time, a few Witches and Wizards who have fallen in love with Muggles from neighboring communities," he explained. It was just like when he would tell her about advances in Potions, or ingredients that he was particularly passionate about.
Hermione could tell that there was something about this place he was taking her that was special to him, and the fact that he was sharing that with her only served to grow her love for him.
They continued slowly walking down the cobblestones as Severus told her a little about his time spent as an apprentice in this small out of the way Italian village. He told her briefly of the years he spent learning under a Potions Mistress who made Albus Dumbledore look youthful. They did not have time for him to really expound on his time as Mistress Zelena's apprentice. He was sure that over the course of her own apprenticeship with him he would have time to tell her more of what that time in his life was like, before the first war he was entrenched in had truly begun to rage.
Soon enough they approached a tiny white stucco building, turned grey and brown with time. The small windows were so covered in grime that the time had long since passed since even a ray of sunshine could see through. Near the old stone roof were signs of a fire in ages past. Hermione thought at first it was spell work, an easy way to keep Muggles away, but she quickly realized that it was simply the way the building truly looked.
Severus placed the palm of his hand on the old wooden door, directly over the tip of a small protruding spike, like the end of a nail hammered through from the other side. He stood still, with his right hand against the wood for a few moments, Hermione looked up at him, confusion shining in her eyes. He hadn't said anything since they approached the building.
Slowly the door creaked open, and Hermione could see the small trickle of blood as he pulled his hand away. "You see, Hermione, there is very little silly wand waving in Valle Maestosa. Wizards here learn to control their magic from a very early age, tapping into earth magics and blood magics. Many, who do not understand the true origins and goals of such power, have twisted it to be something dark, as opposed to being a more pure form of magic." he began to explain. Not having had time to get that far in telling her of his time spent there.
"Blood magic?" she asked a little nervously.
Severus turned to face Hermione and placed a hand firmly on her shoulder. "Not all blood magic is dark in nature. Remember, the true measure of magic is the intent of the Witch or Wizard behind it," he reminded her. One final kiss and he turned to lead her into the Valle Maestosa.
Hermione followed Severus through the door. She knew that she had every reason to trust him, and follow him where he was leading. As they strolled down the street Hermione took in the small quiet village. She admired the vines growing over most of the old crooked little buildings. It seemed as if many of the buildings wouldn't be held up if it weren't for the buildings surrounding them. They all leaned into one another, woven together with vines and nearly overflowing with flowers and plants. The entire little village seemed to center around a large tree, each road converging at it's base. It was a beautiful tree, easily three times as large as the Whomping Willow on the Hogwarts grounds. All throughout its foliage were the most lovely large white flowers, and once they had approached Severus had to practically pull Hermione away.
"Hermione, while I understand your desire to admire your surroundings and explore a new community, we were here for dinner as I recall, and as I can hear your stomach calling out for sustenance I must implore you to see reason and allow me to escort you to dinner," he teased, as he pulled her gently towards the end of the row where the small restaurant was tucked away.
Hermione laughed with him as she allowed him to pull her away from the tree that had her mesmerized. When the approached the small restaurant, which looked much more like a tiny cottage from the outside, she was instantly relieved. The smells wafting through the open windows were more than enticing. The building outside was much like the rest of the town, the pink stucco walls almost entirely hidden away by the vines that seemed to hold the town together. Inside was like nothing she had ever seen. There were beautiful wooden tables of various sizes, all appearing to be sections of tree trunks smoothed and polished by a steady hand. The tables sat at booths made of intertwining branches that reached to the roof and disappeared through the top of the building. It was beautiful, and had the added benefit of offering privacy for each table.
The privacy wasn't really needed, as they were the only ones in the little restaurant besides the short, portly witch who was their server that evening. She didn't seem bothered by them in the least, and other than a low grunt of acknowledgement she said nothing to them. There were no menu's for them to choose from, they were simply expected to eat what was brought to them.
It was however delicious, and Hermione was grateful for hearty home cooked comfort foods, for pastas and pheasant and cheeses. Severus let her enjoy some of her meal before he brought up the subject he had been dreading for so long. He waited until the little witch seemed to be finished bringing them food, and their table was over laden with their delicious meal.
"Hermione," he began softly, "we need to discuss what is going on at the Ministry. It is important that we talk about this, about what they have found, about what you've been hiding. I know that you are aware, that you must know. You knew well what they would see when they performed Priori Incantatum. That wand, Hermione, her wand, and yet it was yours, in that way." He was nearly at a loss for words, this man who was always so sure of himself, spoke to her in halves, never saying outright what he meant.
It didn't matter how velvety smooth and comforting she found his voice, there was nothing that could make this an easy conversation. She sucked in a breath and seemed to hold it for a second too long. The small sounds coming from her were like a wounded animal and a part of Severus just wanted to scoop her into his embrace and tell her that it would all be okay and not to worry, that he understood, but he knew that it wasn't just his opinion that would matter, in fact, his opinion would matter very little in the eyes of the Wizengamot. She needed to come to terms with what he highly suspected was true. She would need to admit to it, possibly under Veritaserum, or with the visual assistance of a pensive.
"You need to understand, darling, that this, it does not change anything for me," he assured her.
"But, I..." she started.
"No, Hermione, please know that more than anyone I can understand and see how it happened. Talk to me about it, let me help you with this too." His tone was almost pleading as he spoke.
Hemione chewed her lip so vigorously it nearly began to bleed. "Severus, I don't know, I...that is," she stumbled over her words, trying to find away to explain.
"It's alright," he promised. His hand sliding across the table to cover hers.
"Severus," her voice was broken and pleading as she struggled to find words, hating the tears that started to fall. "I don't even know where to start."
"Just talk to me, we can get through this together. I wont leave your side," he told her assuredly.
She smiled just a little, knowing he meant every word. In truth she was happy someone knew, and particularly him. He had become a rock she could always rely on to be strong and steady. "I don't know. That day, the day I got the wand, it changed everything. I don't think I can ever be the girl I was before that day in the Manor. It goes beyond thinking that I should have gotten a new wand after the war. By the time it was over it was as if it was attached to me, in some way, or me to it. I did such powerful magic with it, truly," she began to explain, obviously embarrassed by the admission. "When I used it during the war I was able to do such strong spells, but only, only," she struggled to vocalize what he already knew.
"Only when you were performing dark magic?" he asked, already knowing the answer.
"Yes," she admitted. "But then the war ended, and everyone started moving on. There wasn't really a whole lot of need for me to use it, and I wasn't comfortable waving it around town. Before I knew it a whole new nightmare had started and," she took a deep breath, steeling herself for the admission he knew was coming. "I was having trouble doing minor spells around the flat. I couldn't boil water or straighten the sheets, let alone do other small spells, not always, not without fail. One night when he was gone, I don't really know what made me do it, but I remember looking in the mirror and I just hated myself so much in that moment. I hated how weak I looked, bruises on my arms, my face sunken in and sallow. I remembered the last time I had felt strong." She looked so full of shame as she told him what he knew, but needed her to voice.
"It's alright. I understand. Just tell me, so we can fix it," he said softly.
"I don't know how," she cried. "I can't"
It broke him to see her so ashamed of herself. He looked at her and saw this strong beautiful woman in front of him. "You can, please trust me."
"I just wanted to be strong again. I only ever meant to do it that one time. To prove to myself I was still a witch. To prove that he hadn't beaten my magic out of me," she cried.
Severus began to regret taking her out. He had hoped a change of scenery would be good for her, and it was, but this conversation was not one that would have been pleasant anywhere.
He got up from his seat and moved to sit beside her, tucking himself against her side. "We will get through this. Kingsley will help us to deal with the Wizengamot, just let me help you through it."
"I just couldn't stop. I'm so sorry Severus. I'm so sorry," she cried.
Severus held her close while he told her that he understood. In ways that no one else ever could. He promised her he would get her through this.
He pulled a handful of Galleons from his pocket and dropped the on the table before pulling Hermione to her feet and into his arms. The walk there had served to buy him a little time to collect his thoughts before he breached the topic, but he thought a different approach was more fitting.
Hermione buried her head in his chest, letting the spicy smell of his vest sooth her as her tears continued to fall. When she stepped back to look at him they were in the living room at home.
They stayed up that night talking. Severus told her of his own struggles with darkness, of his shame and despair following the first war of his Magical life. Hermione pumped her breasts as she listened to a story so close to her own, and yet so different. She listened while he told her of the hatred that he felt for himself following the death of Lily, and how the only way he thought he could handle the shame and grief was to punish himself ruthlessly.
Hermione was still scared. She didn't want to have to tell the entire Wizengamot and therefor all of the Wizarding world that she had been reduced to half a witch, barely able to perform the simplest of magic, and summoning all the strength she had to leave herself writhing on the floor after being hit with the reflection of her own Crucios. The shame and fear was overwhelming. She knew that Skeeter would get ahold of the information and before the end the truth would be lost, as if the truth wasn't horrible enough.
She fell asleep on the couch, with her head in Severus' lap, crying, telling him everything, how she broke and was afraid she would never be fixed.
It was still early morning when Severus woke up, stiff and aching, having dozed off with her, and carried her up the stairs. He tucked her in and whispered promises of a better future before he left to finish his Wolfsbane, wishing more than anything that he could just stay there with her and hold her close until both of their pasts were well and truly behind them.
A/N: There you have it, Next up will be Kings and Georgie boy. Maybe a little Luna too! There is some joy needed. The stage is being set. So much more to come.
I love you all.
reviews are always welcome, as is any feedback or suggestions. What is missing?
Again, my love - more to come - LIL