Vernon's little helper

"Those bloody weirdos!" yelped Vernon Dursley as Petunia showed him the baby boy and the note. "How are we supposed to bring up Dudley when this... this boy will be able to do things he can't?"

"It's just like their rude, thoughtless manners," said Petunia. "And James Potter is – was, that is – some kind of lord, and a rich dilettante, entitled and stuck up."

Vernon frowned.

"So this... what's his name, Harry... Harry? Really? That's no name for a lord. He'll be rich and a lord, as well as being able to do magic one day."

"There's Prince Harry," said Petunia.

"Yes, but his real name is Henry and he's the spare, and probably the bodyguard's brat," said Vernon. "Charles was an idiot to marry a Sloane Ranger, but that's by the by. Your sister must have filed a birth certificate. I'll nip down to London and find it and get a copy or there'll be hell to pay when he's school age. The point I want to make is that he will be powerful and if I give in to my first urge to treat him like muck and try to beat the magic out of him, that's going to come back and haunt us. Now, why don't I phone in to work and tell them I've been left the care of my nephew suddenly and unexpectedly, and we'll take him to A&E1 and see that scar taken care of. If we tell them your sister went off with travellers, and she and her man got themselves killed, and their friends dumped the baby on us, and we are looking into the paperwork, that should satisfy them. I don't like the way it's bleeding, and I don't like the way every time I look at the scar, I feel angry."

"Very well, Vernon," said Petunia. "If A&E can't handle it, I'm sure those types have a hospital, but we'd have to catch one of them and make them tell us."

"They've been rolling about as drunk as Scotsmen, celebrating the hero of the hour..." his eyes widened. "...Harry Potter, who somehow killed that terrorist fellow."

Petunia snorted.

"More likely Lily came up with some protection for him, and that killed the fellow," she said. "I know the shape on his head, it's a sig rune, used by the SS, it means victory. Or the sun, anyway, it probably is where she put protection. But it needs to be cleaned out properly, who knows what dirty magic Runs-screaming-from-the-Reaper left in it."

"That's the terrorist's name?"

"He calls himself 'Voldemort' which is French and means 'flees death,'" said Petunia.

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The baby seemed to be caused a great deal of pain when the emergency doctor probed the wound on his forehead, and screamed as the dark residue behind it was found. He went into cardiac arrest, and the scar split open and black ooze spewed out. Only Petunia saw the evil face in black smoke which came out of it, and she kept her mouth shut until she got Harry home, after he had been resuscitated, when she told Vernon, who had not seen it.

"That's what Dudley was trying to tell me," said Vernon. "Do you think he might prove magical?"

"I don't know, but we need to go to their bank some time," said Petunia. "And maybe they can advise us about Dudley."

"I hate all this magic," said Vernon, unhappily. "But I'd rather have one of Them on our side, and if our Dudders is cursed with it too, we need the best for him to help him cope."

"We should encourage them to control it from as soon as they start to do it," said Petunia. "We don't want the sort of accidents which happened around Lily until she started training it."

"And we don't want the boys to feel stressed," said Vernon.

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At Somerset House, Vernon soon had help from a staff member over his wayward sister-in-law, and discovered a marriage certificate between James Fleamont Gawain Potter and Lily Rose Evans, and the birth certificate of Henri Iago Gawain Black Potter. A little research showed that these were Welsh versions of Henry James Kevin. Vernon recalled that James Potter had a slight Welsh accent when drunk.

Well, that was worth looking into.

Vernon bought more baby kit. It was going to be a long few years.

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When the boys were settled with each other, Vernon and Petunia went looking for Gringott's bank.

Here they discovered that an allowance was drawn for them to look after Harry which was not going to their account; and got it transferred to Vernon's Barclays account to help care for the child.

It turned out that someone had placed a magic block on small Dudley, which angered Vernon. He might not like the idea of the boys doing magic, but to suppress it without permission he did not feel appropriate. He also nixed the sale of the last Potter 'house elf' who was proving difficult to place for not being subservient enough, as a servant bound by magic would make all the difference to Petunia; and found himself in possession of a peculiar little being called Dobby, who had to make himself visible to Vernon, and who hugged his leg and cried over him being the greatest and kindest muggle ever.

Vernon shuddered to imagine what other elves were like if this one was insufficiently servile. He ordered the creature to be polite and respectful but not to make a song and dance about it.

A few books for the orientation of 'muggleborn' later, and he was furious with whoever had just dumped Harry. Dobby was a great help in telling him which books would help most, and also that he could get books about genealogy and family matters from Master Harry Potter sir's main vault, and his parents' possessions.

Vernon found himself explaining to Dobby, whom he renamed Mr. Robert Jeeves, and insisted that he get a decent butler's livery with coat and pinstriped trousers, what he thought of the wizarding world. Dobby agreed, and was soon Vernon's ally in plans to irritate the wizarding world.

He was able to just 'pop' Vernon and his purchases back home, and Vernon decided that for such a powerful little fellow's happiness, he would put up with the idea of pinstriping having come in puce and green with a maroon coat.

Sartorial taste aside, Dobby Jeeves had not yet led him wrong.

Dobby took over the cupboard under the stairs as his home, and decorated it fairly garishly, but as he seemed happy, once Petunia was over the shock of having dinner provided for her and her family in literally minutes, and the boys put to bed without her having to raise a finger, she went along with Vernon in going with the flow.

She could get used to having a willing and happy servant.

Vernon started to lose weight without feeling hungry, and was a lot healthier and happier under Dobby's regime, and Petunia stopped looking so careworn. The stipend for caring for Harry made a lot of difference, and with Dobby's help in making sure that colleagues and bosses were wined and dined efficiently, Vernon rapidly moved up the promotion ladder.

It irked him that when they attempted to move into a larger house and nicer neighbourhood, an old man in a garish suit – the magicals must be colour blind – turned up and told him that he had stopped the sale going through, because of the blood wards to protect Harry.

"How the hell am I supposed to care for two boys if I can't live somewhere suitable to my status, you old wanker?" said Vernon. "Can't you move these wards or whatever?"

"I'm afraid not," said Dumbledore, twinkling at him. He was delighted at the waves of hatred he sensed from Vernon. The boy would certainly be kept humble!

When Dumbledore had gone, and the mayhem of the intended move was settled, Dobby said,

"Mr. Vernon, sir, the wards don't stop you buying one of the houses next door and building an extension between them. And they don't stop you buying the house you wanted as a holiday home, so long as you is back here most of the year. Or the cottage by the sea you liked, but it was too far to travel to work, but youse could do some work from home there."

"I don't have the funds," said Vernon.

"But Mr. Harry Potter sir does," said Dobby. "If youse can justify him having a bigger house and a holiday house, funds can be made available, but they would be in his name."

"Arrange it," said Vernon. "I suppose that old fool will arrive every time he has accidental magic, too; how can we hide it if it was Dudley?"

"Wards on enlarged house will allow wizards to do magic at home and learn to control it with trainer wands," said Dobby. "And it can be attached to the floo when he's eleven to travel more easily."

"Jeeves, you're a wonder," said Vernon.

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Dudley and Harry adored Dobby, and treated him as a third brother. They heard age-appropriate tales of the wizarding world, and knew that the wizards were often bad people but they had too much power to anger overtly. They played war games and learned how to cope without electricity and modern conveniences, and watched as many videos as Vernon could find about partisan activity against monolithic evil empires. They codenamed each other 'Luke' and 'Han' and Dobby was 'Yoda'.

Their little sister, who was born after the more svelte Vernon and happier Petunia were more in the mood, was known to the boys as 'Leia' but according to her birth certificate she was Lily Margery, to propitiate Vernon's horrible sister.

Marge the Barge did not visit often, but she left feeling as if she had been treated like a princess, and her darling Ripper spoilt. Dobby was good at confundments. And Petunia took the wind from her sails when first she asked about how they managed to put up with the brat of the layabout Petunia's no-good sister had married.

"They usually call men who don't need to work 'dilettantes' not 'layabouts,'" said Petunia. "James Potter was loaded, though of course most of it is tied up until Harry is of age. I wouldn't want any of his posh friends to think any of our relatives needed to have legbreakers sent to see her, it would be embarrassing."

"I hope Vernon gets paid for looking after the child," said Marge. "I'm sure I could help."

"It's paid directly to the accounts he has with Harrods and the like," said Petunia. "We don't suffer financially, but the boy's account manager is a tight sod."

Which was true enough. Barchoke was not a soft touch.

Marge liked expensive living paid for by other people, but she was going to be disappointed other than the two weeks of the year both Dudley and Harry called 'purgatory time.'

When they were older, Petunia found them holiday clubs to attend for most of the time.

Once they got to school, the boys comprehensively beat up Piers Polkiss and his gang, the neighbourhood bullies, and refused to serve a detention for defending themselves. Vernon played golf with the headmaster, and Piers et al found that they were on report.

"Nice shooting, kid, don't get cocky," said Harry to Dudley, who had played the 'my father says,' card. Dudley grinned.

The two boys were known in the neighbourhood to be nice boys, willing to help out with chores – Dobby insisted they needed to know the muggle way to do things – always polite, if rather inclined to be pranksters.

They had the switching charm allied with the muggle skill of sleight of hand down pat by the age of eight, for the deniable plausibility after the 'horrid thing in a handshake' joke.

Bemused innocence when ordered to turn out pockets was a good stock in trade.

Fortunately when Harry did it to Vernon's boss, the old man roared with laughter over having a handful of mouse, and congratulated Harry on his sleight of hand ability and asked him to take the mouse away.

The family home was now an eight-bedroom mansion, the space between number 4 and number 2 built up with a grand entrance. The bribes to the planning department had been handled by Dobby, and the whole structure had been remodelled to look as though the rest of the estate had been built around an old baroque manorhouse, and the interior had been remodelled to provide ensuites for each of the bedrooms, so although there were no more bedrooms than in the two houses, each had more room, a decent sized ensuite, and the master bedroom had a study and a boudoir, and the bedroom boasted a palladian window above the grand entrance. The lower floor here consisted of an atrium with grand staircase, and a ballroom beyond. One of the kitchens had been converted to a games room with billiard table and darts board, and a conservatory ran along a terrace at the back, giving on to the prize-winning rose garden. The front garden was beautifully managed to give an illusion of being larger than it was, by clever planting, and the children were already becoming skilled gardeners and herbologists.

There was a potions laboratory in the cellar as well.

The boys had acquired a display skeleton from a junk shop, and he was manacled to the wall in their 'dungeon.' Petunia hated it, but Vernon laughed, remembered that he had used to like 'Iron Maiden' and named the skeleton 'Ed.' They did chemistry down there as well, and there was a good fume extraction system, which was just as well.

Both boys found pyrotechnics fascinating.

They were actually looking forward to going to Hogwarts, and learning more about how they might create mayhem in the wizarding world.

1 A&E, Accident and Emergency, what is known in America as the Emergency Room.