Meilimingzi and Ramona, thank you for reviewing and for your support. Here's another chapter from "The Labyrinth". Please, let me know what you think. Leave me a review, I would like a lot! Thank you!
I brush through my hair slowly. A brushed, two, three, ... I comb carefully, because my hair is wavy and tending to embarrass easily. While I devote to brushing, I start to realize the excitement around me. Sammy is anxious, pacing back and forth in the room. He is professional enough to keep himself quiet and safe before a premiere, but, knowing him as I do, I know he can't be totally relaxed, is stronger than him.
- Sam, is everything okay? - I ask.
- Yes, yes, Helen, it is. It's my old friend, the anxiety that gave a hello before the premiere.
- You should be more used to it. The tour is already happening for some time.
- Ah, doesn't work well for me. Premiere's debut! Furthermore, we are in Vienna, the city of the waltz, good operas, art and beauty ...
Upon hearing Sammy refer to Vienna so familiar that way gave me a chill.
- Sammy, what would you say? – I Asked in a frightened tone.
- Huh?
- Sam, you just talk a few things about Vienna...
- Yeah, what about it?
- You heard it from someone else? I never heard you talk like that about the city, with this kind of ready speech and...
- Honey, every conductor, every musician, composer thinks all these things about Vienna, I didn't speak any news. This is common sense, why did you ask me if I heard it from someone else?
I went back to brushing my hair, trying to give naturalness to my previous exaggerated reaction.
- Is what I thought strange, I never heard you talk like that, about a specific place.
- Helen, I am delighted with the city, with Vienna's atmosphere, with the people... The orchestra gives me a very high visibility, you know, and interesting people are appearing. One person, in especific way, even can prove to be a major supporter of the orchestra here in Europe, an enabling, a patron, as you prefer...
Tired of that conversation, I tried to change the subject.
- All right, sweetheart, I get it. Glad you're happy, excited, you're enjoying the tour. This is the most importante thing! - I said.
Sammy approached the dressing table, put his hand on my shoulder and spoke.
- Honey, use your most beautiful jewelry and dress more charming tonight. I want you in this stunning debut. It'll be a spectacular night and I want you very bright, to outshine me at reception.
- Reception? Which reception?
- Oh, I almost forgot, didn't I tell you? I just mentioned him, the guy which might be a supporter of the activities of the orchestra here in Europe, a Viennese millionaire... Anyway, I met him yesterday at the bistro, which incidentally is a fantastic restaurant, and he dined with us, you know... During the conversation, he insisted on a reception of an exclusive club.
- Today yet?
- Yes, of course.
- You won't be tired?
- Helen, you know how restless I am after a concert. It'll be great to relax. Don't worry, it'll be a very exclusive reception for a few guests... Now I'll let you finish getting ready quiet, I'm go to the theater. Mom and Dad will with you later, okay?
- Of course! All right, love. – I said. I waited Sam leave the room and picked up the hairbrush again. I tried to wave my hair with a brush, but I think I was nervous about that conversation and I got was entangling them horribly. I made a sudden movement to try to untangle them and the pain caused by the pulling brought me back bad memories...
Herr Kommandant had a special fondness for pulling my hair. He did it masterfully. Enough I made a mistake, a little lacking, any carelessness, and bang, here I was being dragged or pulled by the hair, it was horrible, painful and extremely embarrassing. The last time he did it, dragged me upstairs to his room and threw me hard in his bed, so that I saw a tiny little speck on the pillowcase. As I searched the blessed spot on the pillow, I saw he had tufts and tufts of my hair tangled in his hands. How I see in my brush now...
The worst thing is that he didn't attempt to hide that kind of attitude. Many, many times he caught me by the hair in front of the villa, in the backyard, on the steps of the house, where the sight of everyone, as if to make clear the dissatisfaction that he was to have a maid like me, "as useless as a glass broken". I remember when I was dragged, the field staff looked at me with pity, even some Polish soldiers. As for the German SS soldiers, I guess I never woke up this kind of feeling, since most would laugh about the situation, they ought to be very fun to see someone being humiliated like that. And I was dying of shame, much more than pain, because I hated being the unwitting center of everyone's attention. It was simply too embarrassing...
I can detangle my hair and pull away these unpleasant thoughts. I choose a dress, put clothes on, and look at myself in the mirror carefully, looking for signs of Helen who I in the past in Helen I am today, I have done that very often these days, as if I look for weaknesses, weaknesses that that apparition certainly knows well. Despite being older, I notice that my eyebrows are no longer slaughtered and tired as before, no, definitely not. The terrified girl gave way to a blissful woman with the most beautiful hands and skin more rejuvenated than when I were just a girl working as a maid for a monster. Today I have access to good food, to home, to the good creams, makeup and accessories, all the empty elegance that one jerk prized so much in women of their race. Perfect gentleman with Aryan women and a despicable pig with the Jews, in particular, to me, to whom he was particularly cruel. Sigh deeply and look at myself in the mirror again and I remember another embarrassing moment lived in the villa.
I was cleaning the windows of the balcony that stood in front of the house and was an extension of his room, I hated going to that place, because I knew Herr Kommandant shoot in camp prisoners from that balcony, but, as the windows needed to be cleaned I was there, busy with this service. Suddenly, he and Majola, his German mistress enter the room, talking loudly, as always. I was kneeling, very entertained with the service, reaching the corners of the glass, when I heard, I pretended I hadn't noticed, not wanting to draw attention and become a free target.
- Amon, I just don't think this theory makes a lot of sense. We have many Germans with dark hair and eyes. - She said.
- Yes, we have, most likely due to some inappropriate racial mixing. - He replied.
- I don't know how many people we know who are like that and have clean records? In other words, it has no blood of other races in their veins? There is much controversy about it. Right here in the field I have seen one or another Jew with clear eyes and blond hair. - Majola insisted.
- Ironies of nature ... - he sighs and continues. - Sometimes it preaches in some parts.
- See, Helen is an example. - Majola said.
Damn - I thought. - Did they notice I'm here.
- Example of what? She is not blonde, far less has blue eyes.
- I know, what I mean is that she lacks the traits that people in the field, is more... how to say this in a way that it's suitable... sophisticated! That's it! She has a sophisticated look.
In that moment, I could not help noticing that the feature of the commander changed from relaxed to tense. He went to the drawer of his nightstand, grabbed a book and started leafing through it. And then he approached me.
- Stand up! - I heard that cold order and immediately put me on my feet, trying not to shiver.
- Look at me – He ordered. I looked straight into his cold eyes. He seemed calm, but he was more focused than usual appearance.
He looked at the book and looked at my face, as if looking for something or comparing myself with some figure printed there.
- Stand aside, I see your profile... Not this way, your stupid, chin up. - He lifted my face, by hand, abruptly.
Then he got, what seemed to me like a long time looking at my profile, until he spoke softly, but audibly enough for me and Majola, as if making a statement to yourself and didn't realize that more people could hear in:
- I don't think her as an untermensch! She has very delicate features. It's all very proportional...
- Do not I tell you? I had already noticed. - Suddenly Majola spoke to me, delighted to have done so to realize what seemed so obvious to her. - If you were not Jewish, my dear, shake many hearts here in the field. You know how these soldiers are and...
- Halt die Klappe, halt die Klappe jetzt! Don't talk nonsense, Majola. That bitch is not nothing but a worthless little jew... Sophisticated, where did you get that? This creature spends the day cleaning my latrine, there is nothing sophisticated about it. - Herr Kommandant looked really angry with the talk of Majola.
- Sorry, Moni, but you even said of her delicate features...
- I didn't comment anything and don't call me that anymore... Moni was like my mother called me... God, shouldn't have told you this, now think you have intimacy, have mercy. Let's let this bitch work because if she doesn't finish this work, we don't dine today.
He pulled Majola's arm and left me there, standing, chin up. I went back to windows and tried to end my service with all the sophistication that it was possible for me at that moment.
I'll be back for more this dreaminess and look at myself in the mirror again. Today I know what he did that day was trying to fit me into some kind of Nazi standard than was considered inadequate, unworthy, inferior; He wanted to prove to Majola that I wasn't racially appropriate. Should I have very disappointed him, because I don't believe he found me something that would disqualify me as a human being. I try to push those horrible thoughts and take a deep breath.
- Not tonight, Hauptsturmführer Goeth. I won't allow the spoil this night. No bitterness in that sweet night! Sammy doesn't deserve, even I deserved this. I'll stop torturing me with you, I won't give this taste to any ghost, even is in flesh and blood, or pure fantasy... Not tonight!
- Talking to yourself, dear? - Beth enters the room, as always, without caring about my privacy.
- Oh, it's nothing, I'm just admiring me. Do I look allright? - I got up and took a walk, so that Beth could examine my dress, hair, jewelry and give her approval, that she was an expert. I chose a empire dress, rosy light and fluid and held my long brown hair back, letting them fall cascading like the way Sammy likes, and I left the chest enough to show, to highlight the delicate, but gorgeous, pink topaz necklace adorned with bright and matching earrings, that Sam gave me some years ago, and even now is still my favorite.
- Helen, time is very generous with you. You should adorn yourself more, you are very beautiful, very much! Sammy is so proud of you and your beauty. You have a proud bearing, an aristocratic beauty...
- Oh, please, Beth, is not so much! - Majola words about my alleged sophistication back to me to hear Beth praise me.
- It's true, you don't go unnoticed, my dear. Sam once told me that when he saw you for the first time, wearing clothes that looked like dirty rags and still he thinks you're beautiful. He said that you were proud, even in rags and stood out in the crowd. Enjoy, dear, that kind of distinction and class is not everyone has. You're definitely the type that attracts attention! And that's great! Let me help you closing these buttons back here for you.
I let Beth finish to embellish me, like that kind of motherly attention she has with me, would probably be the kind of attitude that my mother would have to me. I smiled, grateful for the comments, so flattering and fun, so typical of my mother-in-law. I think she's right. Today, I'm fully aware of my beauty, I have been highly praised in various places and I want to look presentable in Sammy's beside, not to disappoint him. The time in lame walk has gone, the time to be humiliated too. I can be shy and somewhat prudish, but I'm no prude and I no longer have the ingenuity of the war years. I know that even being Jewish, so out of Aryan beauty standards, from those awful times, I attracted the attention of pole soldiers in the field, also attracted the attention of some SS guys, even though it was totally unintentional on my part. After all, the situation in which we lived was too terrible for us to have the time or desire to draw attention. It was too dangerous in a concentration camp, it was best to stay incognito and not stand out for any reason, after all, who was not seen was not remembered and all I wanted was to go unnoticed. I imagine that people from SS had disgusted me, certainly, but I realized now (and then), a hint of lust in the eyes of these men, both for me and for Rebecca Bau or Milla Pfefferberg, all beautiful women; even today we are still beautiful. But we didn't like this kind of attention, we had shame and fear. I still feel the same way about male looks... Seriously, draw attention isn't for me. Not to mention that I didn't like to attract the attention of such kind of people. I saw the looks, but not really understand what were the intentions. I had heard some weird stories about SS men attacking women in the field, but most were cases of aggression. Even when we heard stories of a sexual behavior, I was terrified and sad for the girls who passed through it. I felt safe because of the racial laws, at least the German SS wouldn't approach, wouldn't dare disrespect Gesetz zum schutze des deutschen blutes un der deutschen ehre, it were very clear about the relations between Germans and Jews, so I thought by being in the villa and be employed in the commandant's camp gave me some immunity to this type of attack. At least that's what I thought.
In fact, the only one who has gone beyond that somehow something else dared me was he, Herr Kommandant in person. And that happened a few days after he compared me to the figures that racist book.
I remember like it was yesterday. I had had a terrible day at work in the kitchen, really strenuous day. I had prepared a full banquet, because Herr Kommandant was giving a party, don't remember if he had a specific reason to celebrate something, but regurlaly he organized lavish parties in the villa. I was dismissed from work too late, because in addition to preparing the meal, I had to take care of cleaning the kitchen and even the lounge. Fortunaly I had the help of Helen, another maid who worked in the villa with me, whom Goeth called Susannah, not to confuse her with me. I also had the help of Rebecca and Milla, who were hastily summoned from the field to help us. It was quite a night, and when I had the opportunity to go back to the basement, I thanked God. I was taking my bath in a makeshift tub in the basement when I heard some footsteps on the stairs. Quickly got out of the tub and ran to get my sweater. How not had time to wipe me, I was soaked sweater and glued to the body, which made me even more nervous because I knew that could not be seen that way, was not presentable to anyone.
When I saw that it was Herr Kommandant, my heart raced. I thought to myself, - Oh no, not again! What does this man want at this hour? – I saw his eyes fixed on me, in a very different way, but I had already seen other times. In fact, the impression I had was that he only looked at me that way so intense when we were alone. This time his eyes didn't seem as cold as ice, they had a kind of heat, something I could not tell what it was. He approached slowly and said:
- So, this is where you come to hide from me. - He began. Again, stepped forward, getting very close to me.
- I came to tell you that you really are a wonderful cook, and a well-trained employee. I mean that. If you need a reference, after the war, I would be happy to give you one. - He looked at me with a certain expectation, but I said nothing because I was sure he did not expect a response.
I looked at him quickly, before lowering his eyes again. I could not grasp what he was getting with this empty talk, so I tried not to make any sudden movements. My breathing was almost imperceptible, because I was afraid to even breathe in a way that he considered offensive or something. I was dominated by fear and not knowing how to proceed. And he continued with that.
- You should feel very lonely down here, while listening to all upstairs having fun. Are you not? You can answer. - He said that, clearly waiting for an answer. But I don't know what to say, didn't want to somehow irritate him, because I was already intuiting how this conversation would end.
- What is the right answer? That's what you're thinking. What he wants to hear? The truth, Helen, is always the right answer. – I remained silent, trying not to disturb him.
He continued the meaningless conversation, as if I had answered something. It was freaking me out so much that I began to shake violently, it wasn't cool to be soaked, but by fear, pure fear.
- Yes, you're right. Sometimes we both felt loneliness. - He seemed to have answered your own thinking and not mine. He pulled away from me, and turned his back.
- Yes, I mean, I would, too... To reach out and touch your loneliness.
He turned again, with a strange glint in his eyes. There I felt that I was lost, no doubt, something would happen. His cold eyes were different, even seemed sad, something very unusual for him. And this time he wasn't drunk, because what he said, despite being very strange, had some consistency. He approached again.
- How would it be, I wonder? I mean, what would wrong with that? - He asked, quietly.
- I know you are not a person in the strictest sense of the word. - Of course, it was taking for him to say something nasty about me.
- Maybe you're right about that too. You know, maybe I'm wrong... is not us... this is... - gestured vaguely around him. What he meant by it all? I just could not understand, and it made me increasingly terrified. But what happened next was even worse, he leaned toward me, gently, brought his face dangerously close to mine. I was so scared I was sure he could hear the beating of my heart, which was pounding.
- No, you... You're right. You're right about that too... I mean, when you compare to the worms, rodents, lice, I just... - he continued, getting closer to me. Suddenly he stopped in front of me with those huge blue eyes attentive to my face. I trembled again. Because of the proximity I could feel the heat radiating from him, as I was completely cold and numb.
Then he raised his hand, I thought he would beat me and closed my eyes, waiting for the assault. But he did nothing. When I opened my eyes again, I saw that he touched my hair in a very gentle way, back then they were much shorter, because we could not have them too long in the field, for reasons of health and hygiene. I shivered even more under his touch. He touched my face lightly, giving a slight smile, very different from the other times he approached me, and rightly so, I still didn't know what was coming next, let alone what it could do. He continued.
- This is the face of a rat? These are the eyes of a rat? So Jew not have eyes? - Then came the unthinkable ... His hand moved toward one of my breasts. I wanted to cry because of it but I could not move, couldn't move at all.
- I feel for you, Helen. - His voice changed, slightly sweet for a cooler, lewd tone. He lowered his head and for a moment I thought he was going to kiss me or do something even worse.
He retreated before his lips touched mine.
- No, I think not. - His voice was again cold, inaccessible.
- You're a Jewish bitch. - Insults back and at least I knew what was going to happen was the usual, something terrible, but with which I could handle. He spoke in a low voice:
- You almost convinced me, isn't it? Not? – He began to scream, and before I could do anything, he raised his fist and struck a blow against my face, which made me fall and bleed.
He threw me on the bed, and his fists descended and ascended in a long session of punches and slaps. And, to crown that strangest night he turned, only to return and overthrow a shelf above me. After that, don't remember anything else, because I fainted ... The feeling I get when I remember that it is still so strong, so present, so terrible to me that once again a shiver runs down my spine.
- Are you cold, dear? - Beth asks, while pinching the ends of my hair. - It's all ruffled.
- Yeah, I felt a cold breeze, but has passed. – I disguise.
- Great! You are beautiful! There is just one final touch. - Beth returned to the dresser and picked up a small bottle of perfume. Sprinkled the fragrance in the air and asked me to enter in the "cloud of perfume." I did as she said and I was ready.
- I will just give a final touch up on my makeup and I'll be back. - Beth came out and I looked in the mirror cabinet, to see my whole body.
- Not bad, Helen, not bad! - I said to myself.
I breathe deeply and exhale, still remembering that fleeting moment in the basement and the beating I received, without causing, without giving a reason for that savagery. Although he tried to take advantage of me, touched me so intimately, in my breasts, my hair, on my face, sometimes I think I did this to give me a fright, lest I forget that he was able to everything. That it would not be enough to hurt me in all possible ways in the body, he was getting deeper, the kind of terror that he used with me was also deeply psychological.
For him, frighten someone was powerful show of force, after all, he was there sovereign, who could subdue he wanted to, the way that best pleased. No wonder I'm so frightened by the apparition I saw in the labyrinth. That show of power, lust and sadism to me was the last straw horror of those years and think it is the memory of this particular time in my life I've been trying desperately to forget. But when I think I'm being successful at it, I see that ghost and don't know if I have the strength to deal with it again. I think in New York, I'll have to look for the Beth's therapist again... It'll be something I'll have to deal with. Just don't know how to tell Sammy I think I'm mentally ill ... Does am I exhaust?
To this day I don't know if I try to pretend not to understand what happened that night in the basement. Herr Schindler warned me very well even before that to happen, but I hadn't realized, not until the attack happens, it doesn't even happen. I remember when Herr Direktor lent his ear to my complaints and tried to comfort me. I believe him, Herr Kommandant not only felt just lust or sadism for me, because I remember when he told me that Goeth was so fond of me that would not let me wear the star in the villa.
- He likes you so much, Helen, who didn't want anyone to know that he likes a Jew. - Oskar Schindler 's words still echo in my ears.
And even though I hadn't given due attention to it at the time, I still can't tell whether Schindler saw beyond the surface of the commander or exaggerated what he said to keep me calm, giving me to understand that he would not kill me. I don't think someone with such cruelty in the heart was even able to feel anything, but contempt for those whom he considered racially inferior. I simply can't say what he thought of me. But at the same time, I think that if he returned, if returned and is not in my traumatized mind, anyway, even if he came back it probably Herr Direktor was right ... This, in a very crooked way, very private, maybe it was even possible that Amon Goeth had liked me... I was that reason enough to look after me so long, even if you were alive? He would risk to that point, just to see me or scare me in a labyrinth?
- Helen. - I heard again the voice of my mother-in-law in the distance. - We are ready, are you ready?
- Yes, I'm going - I warned.
I grab my wallet, I open the door and leave, thinking aloud.
- Oh, God, I really need to treat me... I need to treat me...