Follows another chapter translated. Sorry for the delay, but as I do not speak English well, it takes me a little longer to translate. Forgive the many mistakes. At the end of the text, I put in sequence the translation of some excerpts from Mozart's Requiem, in the order they appear in the text.
Oh, I put words in German and also put this chapter in Polish. As I do not speak both languages and I turn to google translator, Icommit some mistake, please, I apologize right now, help me and correct me. Again, thanks for joining me and hope you enjoy my story.
Crowded theatre ... a crowd prepares the mind for the music of Mozart that Sammy will lead. No matter how many times I watch a concert, the excitement I feel is always like the first time.
The first chords of the Requiem fill the theatre and I close my eyes. Despite my hearing has been impaired, the sound is clear and the music fills me feel alive! I am very close to the stage, close to Sam, and when I open my eyes, I see how he indulges in music, the passion with which he presents to the public in Vienna this immortal work. I open the program to appreciate what the song says, sung in Latin and confer the translation:
Requiem aeternam dona eis, Domine, et lux perpetua luceat eis, te decet
Gives them eternal rest, Lord, and perpetual light shine them.
I let the music penetrate my soul. Suddenly, my heart was so far in peace, begins to beat faster, as if it sensed something wasn't right, especially as the singer's voice intoning this words:
Tuba, mirum spargens sonum
Per sepulchra regionum,
Coget omnes ante thronum.
Mors stupebit, et natura,
Cum resurget creatura,
Judicanti responsura.
Liber scriptus proferetur,
In quo totum continetur,
Unde mundus judicetur.
Judex ergo cum sedebit,
Quidquid latet, apparebit:
Nil inultum remanebit.
Quid sum miser tunc dicturus?
Quem patronum rogaturus,
Cum vix justus sit securus?
I'll once again to the program to check the translation, because the reaction I had to the letter is very sensory, then see what it means:
The trumpet scatters its powerful sound
the area of the graves
to gather all before the throne.
Death and nature will amaze
with the creatures that reappear,
to respond to the judgment.
A book will be brought,
in which everything is contained,
by which the world will be judged.
Once the judge is seated,
all that is hidden will be:
nothing will go unpunished.
What I, miserable, can say?
The patron who shall turn,
when only the righteous will be safe?
I feel my stomach give turns, my sudden discomfort is so big that I must leave the theatre, I feel that if I stay here I'll be suffocating, I'm not able to breathe, I need to quit ... I get up quickly and go quickly passing through the spectators, muttering excuses, while the music will invade my whole body and disturbing me even more.
I go out in the dark, trying not to be noticed, completely anguished, choked ... In the lobby of the theatre I try to go out and reach for the door, while I still can hear the heavy chords of the Requiem, the Funeral Mass that Mozart composed and now the tears my heart. I take a deep breath:
- God help me, please help me!
I don't pray for so long, I left religion aside for so long, and for so long I ceased to believe in a merciful God, because of what I lived just made me understand that evil exists and it's real... but goodness and mercy I can't already tell, I'm weak, sceptical, humane, full of doubts, full of fear ... I don't know how to pray, so I let religiosity aside and try to give another deep breath. I'm trying to feel calmer, more protected (who knows), but all I feel is a deep sadness that overwhelms me altogether, that blinds me to everything. If I continue like this, I'll never be able to hide my feelings from anyone so I need to stay strong. But why am I this way, why all this trouble? If only I could understand why I am so frightened.
- God, don't forsake me, please!
I turn around, go into the theatre and look for the bathroom, I need to compose myself before going back into the auditorium. I suddenly feel an urgent need to look back. At the top of the stairs of the theatre, there it is, the apparition.
Terrified, the sound and fury of Mozart hit me like a stab in the heart:
Confutatis maledictis,
Flammis acribus addictis:
Voca me cum benedictis.
Oro supplex et acclinis,
Cor contritum quasi cinis:
Gere curam mei finis.1
Stop in front of the bathroom door, watching the stairs, I see the appereance smiling to me, exactly the same creepy way he did at the entrance of the labyrinth. Again he turns around and disappears toward the cabins of the sector. I'm so scared I'm not going back, I don't know what to do; All I can do is just go into the bathroom and lean on one of the sinks. I put my hand over my mouth, trying to silence my tears and bites me so hard that almost shot blood. I breathe deeply, once, twice, three times, sit in a chair and stay there without knowing what to do, completely stunned.
Lacrimosa dies illa,
Qua resurget ex favilla.
Judicandus homo reus:
Huic ergo parce, Deus.
Pie Jesu Domine,
Dona eis requiem. Amen. 2
I breathe deeply once again resolved to face the fear. Yes, I'll climb up the staterooms, I'm going down to hell, it doesn't matter anymore, I can't let this doubt corrode me, I'm going crazy if I continue to be haunted by this ghost. I leave the bathroom and go towards to the staircase. When I start to rise, I hear Beth's voice:
- Helen, what are you doing?
- I... I want to...
- Come hither now, soon is the end of the opera, Sam will see you gone.
With no alternative, and not wanting to give explanations that even I don't have to Beth, I go down and accompany it back to the concert. I sit in my place, but I'm not quiet, I am now alert, like a scavenger hunt, this time I reverse the roles and, as a raptor, examine all the staterooms, trying to find him. How is dark, I don't succeed in my endeavour.
- Damn, I can't see anything here, it's too dark! - I think. - Can he see me? - The possibility of being watched by him finally goes through my head, which makes me even more afraid.
When the show finally ends, the lights come on. The audience applauds in awe for a period that seemed like hours, but in truth I knew there were only a few minutes. Oblivious to everything, I continue to look toward the cabins. I don't see anyone remotely like him and the fear that I have had a hallucination once again dominates me.
- If it is not real, I'm really, really mad!
- Come, Helen, we need to go to the dressing room. - I hear Leo's voice calls me.
I go out with them and seek the appearance once again in the filled theatre lobby, but again, without any success. We went to the dressing room and went through a crowd of people with flowers waiting to be answered by Sammy and the other stars of the orchestra. Sammy opens the door and beckons
- Oh, Helen, mother, father, come, come...
I go into his dressing room, which at this point is a bit crowded and get a quick kiss from Sam.
- So, you like it?
- Wonderful, son, I am speechless!
- To your mother be speechless, you can understand that it was really special, Sammy - said Leo.
- Good! I am very happy! Well, I want to introduce you to a person, just a minute, please.
Sam came out and I felt fortunate that he didn't even have noticed the commotion that churned my guts. Suddenly, Sam comes with him, with the appearance that I so looked for, right there beside him. I lack the air; the ground seems to open under my feet. So it's real, I'm not crazy...
- Family, let me introduce you to Anton Klaus Prauchner, an admirer of the orchestra I had the pleasure of meeting here in Vienna. Anton, this is my mother, Elizabeth, my father Leopold and my wife, Helen.
The appearance kisses the hand of my mother-in-law, which seems delighted with him, energetically greets my father, and suddenly, stood up in front of me, like he did in the past, when he chose me for his maid. At this point, I believe that who is more like a ghost it's me, because I feel the blood drain from my face.
- Samuel, my friend, no words you said about your wife can do justice to her beauty. I'm delighted, frau Horowitz.
The creature reaches out to grab my hand and kissing, but all I can do in this moment, is look back in his eyes, to really be sure who is and say:
- Herr Kommandant! - And then everything went black and I faint.
Samuel, Anton and Leo bolster her, while Beth will get a glass of water.
- Love, wake up, sweetheart, Helen ... What did she say to you, Anton?
- I didn't understand, Samuel, but I think she asked for help, then she dropped.
- It seemed that she'd said something like "lord commander," in German, but maybe I heard wrong - said Leopold.
- Nein, it makes no sense at all, must have been something else. - Said Anton.
- Right, I brought some water, I'm going to wet her forehead to see if she wakes... - Beth says, splashing water on Helen's forehead.
- Maybe is the heat… It's too crowded here. - Said Sam.
I heard diffuse voices, then I open my eyes, they are a little blurry, but I can tell Beth, Leo, Sam, who is with the super worried look and ... Wait, I need to know...
- Where is he? – I say, in a low voice.
- Whom, my dear? - Asks Sam.
- Him... What does he want? Please, where is he?
Then, Herr Kommandant arises in their midst. Unlike what I always remembered him, the way he looks me now is sweet, like he seems to concerned about me, semi conscious in front of him. His features, that now I can see so close to me, are changed a little, his hair is a bit thinner in front, but I'm sure it's him, it's hard not to be, all the rest is equal. I mean, I want to make sure it's him, because I'm not crazy! I get up quickly, but I'm still dizzy, unbalanced and Sammy supports me.
When I can steady myself, the first thing I do is completely irrational and thoughtless, a purely emotional reaction, which I kept with me for over ten years and I never thought I would even have the courage or opportunity to do what I did; I take a leap forward and throw myself on the chest of this man, without thinking, beating hard as I can reach, with all the repressed anger, with all the strength I possibly can. I know I can't cause any pain to him, but I try to do my part and, to make even worse, in addition to physical aggression, I pass to verbal aggression, I can't help myself, it's stronger than me. Sammy never seen me like this, by the way, I never saw me like that, but I can't contain the flooding that followed:
- Świnia, drań, morderca, potwór! - I'll instinctively swearing in Polish, not caring about anything or anyone.
The dressing room was so full that it was a miracle that few people have realized the confusion. Sammy pulls my arm tightly, while I see the monster straighten his tie and tuxedo, somewhat surprised. Rather than I imagined, he didn't react, weathered the silent aggression, without moving or without cause, as I often did in similar situations.
- Are you crazy? What was that? - Sammy said, looking at me horrified, wide-eyed open.
The appearance impassive reaction made me so upset, I really understood what had gone too far.
- I, I ... - tried desperately to say something. Suddenly, the idiot decides to talk.
- It was nothing, Samuel, she doesn't seem to be going well, after fainting she may have suffered some kind of hallucination, I don't know. Looks like she confused me with someone else... Let me introduce myself again: my name is Anton Klaus Prauchner, I'm from Vienna and I met your husband too recently, despite being an admirer of his work for so long. I feel honoured to know you too.
Incredulously at what he said and completely mortified by my reaction, I can't say what I really would like to all who were there, because it seemed that no one would understand. I felt enough shame and I couldn't sign a certificate of insanity even greater, if I had another kind of reaction in front of that man. If I'm wrong, a life won't be enough to apologize me for what I did. But what exasperates me, is to make sure that no, I'm not mistaken. Is it can only be him. Using the voice toner that got lower and completely embarrassed, I said, with my face burning with anger and embarrassment:
- Forgive me; I mistook you for someone else. With someone who did me so much evil... Forgive me!
- No problem at all, I think it is Mozart who causes us to be so. – He laughed, trying to break the ice. - Now please, let's forget it and go to the club. We have a party to enjoy.
In the car, while Beth expressed all her shame and surprise at my reaction, Sam, Leo and I were silent. It seemed it would never end, until Sammy exploded and cashed his anger of me on his mother:
- Enough, Mom, enough vexation. Enough! Enough!
- Sam, forgive me, I...
- Helen, please, not now. I want to enjoy this reception, we talk later. But please, for your sake, stay away from Mr. Prauchner, save us from further embarrassment. I'm astonished, but now we won't talking about it. Save your emotions for you! And please, try to be discreet, if possible!
Tremendously hurt by the harsh words of my husband, who had never spoken to me like that, I daren't say more, I couldn't justify the unjustifiable. Still pretty mortified and embarrassed, I got to the reception site and entered the club… Indeed, it was a very unique and stylish place. I went to the table, and trying not to be noticed, I kept silent and thoughtful. Sammy barely arrived and was surrounded by some people who were with that man. Beth sat beside me.
- Now that we're alone, You really could explain me that ridiculous scene in the dressing room?
Furious with the tone she used with me, I just looked at her and said that I would freshen up on the balcony. Beth didn't like, but I don't let alternative to her. I got up and left, but soon the appearance surrounded me a little more forward, away from the eyes of Beth and held me very gently by the arm
- Dance with me and I'll forget what happened in the dressing room.
Without alternative, I looked for Sammy eyes, and he saw me and made me a sign suggesting that I accept whatever the creature was offering me and please, avoid another fiasco. That brief glance made me know exactly how Sammy was feeling towards me at that moment. But does he know how I was and what was going on with me, deep down? Does he care about what I was feeling?
Trapped with that order, because the way he spokes to me, didn't appear in any way like a request, it's more like an order (exactly like in the old days), I was accepted and dancing led by him to a quieter part of the room. It seemed that he wanted to make sure Sam and Beth or Leo couldn't see us again and it is enough to made my internal alert trigger. When his hand touched mine while the other hand circled my waist, the warm touch of his hand seemed hauntingly familiar. I began to shake involuntarily, as always trembled before him as he tried to hold back tears. He realized, but declined to comment on anything and danced in silence for a long time. When the song was almost over, he finally said something:
- So, you haven't forgotten me, isn't Lena? You don't know how I am happy with it... I even think that I wouldn't see you again.
- I... What? - I mention pull away myself from him, but he held me tighter, further narrowing me against his chest. Then, he came in my good ear (despite not knowing that I have a bad ear) and spoke softly, in a very friendly tone, but that didn't fit at all with the incisive words that he said to me:
- No more scandal! Spare us this. And now, listen to me, but listen carefully, your cheeky little puppy: meet me tomorrow at Peterskirche at 3pm and don't you dare be late. You hear me?
I couldn't answer, I was amazed, incredulous, stunned.
- If you try to say anything to your jerk husband or his parents, you'll regret bitterly. Don't you dare challenge me. You know what I can do!
The song finally ended and wriggled as best I could, avoiding attention. Fortunately, Sam came and took my arm, which made me jump.
- Hey, all right in there? Seems you have resolved the differences, no? I think it's my turn to dance with my wife, Anton.
- Sure, Samuel, everything is solved, it was a misunderstanding. But I already stole her to you for too long. My dear frau Horowitz, it was an honour dance with you. Excuse me!
I couldn't look the monster in the eyes, because I fear Sammy could noticed. Yes, I know well what he is capable and I cannot risk putting my family in his way. Don't know how I had the strength to dance with Sam, but I did so in the most hypocritical way I could. Thank God he didn't try to keep any kind of banal chatter and danced in silence.
The monster no longer dared to approach me. But I realized that I was observed by him the whole time, even away from me, he kept the control, the emotional horror with which doubled me was always there, it was how things worked between me and him. The jerk dance with other women, even with Beth, who seemed to hold a pleasant conversation. I saw him chatting and laughing with so many people and with such ease and naturalness manners that gave me nausea.
I went to the bathroom twice to throw up my anger, my fear, and my anxiety. But I had to hide because Beth gave me no truce, all the time around, with a terrible reproachful look. It was so bad that Sam finally realized and decided it was time to get back to the hotel. I dared not look at the commander even a minute. He politely said goodbye, kissing my hand again and staring at me intently with those blue eyes that were always in my most terrifying nightmares. When we left, I'm unable to avoid disguise and rubbed the back of my hand on the dress. Sammy noticed, but said nothing in the car. Allowed to speak when we got to the room, without Beth or Leo around.
- Helen, clean your hand on the dress proves that you solved nothing with Mr. Prauchner, you still strange. By the way, you are acting like a strange since we got to Vienna. We'll have plenty to talk about. – He said.
- No, please, now who doesn't want to talk about it am I, I'm exhausted, my head hurts a lot and I need to rest! – I went to the bathroom, locked myself out there and only left when I realized the silence of the room and made sure that Sammy was asleep.
I lay down beside him, but stood with my back to him, completely shaken for finally had sure that I'm not wrong, and, of course, for also have been surprised by the harshness of the words of Sam in the car. I pull the covers over me and holding another torrent of tears, I think:
- So that's it! He came to end what ever threatened while I lived under its yoke:
- Killing you won't cost me anything. Is it just a bullet least in my pistol.
There, lying on the hotel bed, backs to my husband, with these words of the monster in my head, more than ever I knew that God had abandoned me.
Mozart and his Requiem, with all its gloomy depth, violent still echoed in my mind and in my heart.
Judex ergo cum sedebit,
Quidquid latet, apparebit:
Nil inultum remanebit. 3
Notes:
1 Damned the damned
And thrown into the devouring flames,
Call me with the blessed
Pray, and prostrate suppliant,
Contrite heart, almost to ashes
Take care of my order.
2 Day of tears, that,
In which, will rise from the ashes,
A man to be tried;
Therefore spare him, oh God.
The merciful Lord Jesus,
Grant him eternal peace, Amen.
3 Once the judge is seated,
All that is hidden will be:
Nothing will go unpunished.