Thank you to anyone who is reading the translation of "The Labyrinth". Sorry for the translation mistakes, I'm trying to avoid many mistakes, but it is a bit difficult. I hope that the translation be reasonably adequate and you can understand. I'll try to expedite the upcoming translations. Wait for the next chapters. Please leave your comments, so I know what they are thinking of the story! Thank you very much!
"My honour is called loyalty." Since I was 22, when I joined the party, I have been faithful to this oath. I'm a good soldier, always obeyed the orders without question, done everything in my power to ensure that the designs of the Waffen - SS were handsomely met. After all, my debt of gratitude to the comrades in the struggle was immense. Nazism welcomed me, guided me and shaped my character. My choice for this lifestyle faceted the man I was and what I am today.
If I have any remorse for it? No, not at all, because, after all, since the beginning of all this madness, I was just following orders. If needed back in time, I would certainly do it again. I did my part, I fought for my ideals, fought for a world in which National Socialism would triumph over all the "isms" in which the strong prevail over the weak, the beautiful over the ugly, justice over what was not suited to the new world that draw. I was faithful to the Third Reich until to the end! And I deeply regret that the war has ended the way it ended.
I was the best example of a soldier, I did what was within my reach and I was promoted and my superiors congratulated me for the good services I rendered to the Reich. But when I felt the winds of war were not more favourable to us, I was not naive or kept any kind of illusion. I am a practical man, and so I took action. I join I could in financial resources, diamonds, money, art, gold, stocks, cash bonds, surrounded myself with all care; I knew that I needed money for what would follow. After all, as a good soldier I was, I was sure they wouldn't let me go unpunished; it wouldn't be tolerated by the courts war. But I didn't give myself so easily, no, not really...
I gave a masterstroke when I was elevated to commander of that damn field. While I working and proved to be what was expected of an employee of the Reich, I had means of joining my heritage. I didn't steal anything, just appropriated what was rightfully mine, after all, I did much more than I should have done in this war, I deserve every diverted penny. I sent most of the money to the Swiss banks and the Argentine banks, always with great secrecy and discretion. Even Itzhak Stern, my Jewish accountant, knew nothing about that, because I presented to him a tiny little part of my real fortune, than actually I really usurped the field books. I didn't added these values in my official accounts, only a small part of it was added to my earnings. The problem is even this little part of the money I left with Stern, was enough to draw the attention of the Gestapo, which evaluate all accounts with revenues generated from concentration camps. And, as it was too easy, I have sinned by pride and by relying too much on some colleagues... My own Gestapo comrades arrested me during a season spent in a sanatorium in Bad Tolz, where I went after the closure of the field, in hope to treat myself of the many excesses I committed during the years I was the archetype of the "ideal soldier."
I was arrested and tried for my countrymen as "numerous embezzlement and illicit enrichment, theft of property, which, by law, were the Reich." Honestly, I had to laugh at this, because they managed to find just a little part of the fortune that I haven't had time to hide and that was on the books of Stern. The bulk of my real fortune they didn't even have access. Maybe they arrested me to consider myself a bad financial manager, because for them, the Plaszow camp gave more harm than profit in my administration. Fortunately, at that time I was so sick that kept me stuck, but still under treatment in the sanatorium... They also claimed that I had mental problems. I let them think so, because I knew that there could be a slowdown in the pen, if I was considered something of a "deranged war" or mentally incapable.
Yes, I played with all the weapons that fell in my lap. But I don't consider myself in any way as mentally ill, as I know many thought I was; I reiterate: I just following orders. And then, I made to myself unduly appropriating this Jewish money, only for preparing me for what was, for the battles that would follow in the post-war period. "A thief who stole a thief has a hundred years of pardon", as the saying goes. So I enjoy this money without pangs of conscience.
When the war finally ended, the Americans surrounded Bad Tolz and I was arrested again, this time with some compatriot fellow; the same who had arrested me, how ironic it may be, no? The war actually made the world take strange turns. Being who I was, they walked me to an insignificant court of Poland, accused this time not for financial crimes, but for having a warrant to hell to a bunch of idiots who should thank me for having avoided them suffer even more. See how much irony, being judged by a bunch of worthless Polish lackeys that in wartime would only be assigned to clean my boots. But, okay, I've had very well established plans in mind. And would accomplish them, one by one.
I was tried and sentenced to death. I held my laughter at that sucker court and accept the sentence without questioning, they found what they wanted, I wasn't interested in that kind of judgment of "war crimes". My conscience was always quiet about it. Nor do I believe in a divine justice that come to me and punish me for any wrong or immoral act that I have committed. So much that I came out unscathed. I'm living proof of how pathetic is the justice of men, or of God's righteousness...
In prison, find a fool that let you easily bribe was not complicated. With so much hunger and poverty in post war Poland, so massacred by my companions and by Soviet communist bastards, I don't blame anyone here who has tried their luck. We were all playing again. So, I offered a small fortune for one Polish soldier helped me to escape. I couldn't imagine it would be so easy. I gave some diamonds that Majola brought on her last visit, to the soldier and went out of the prison through the front door, accompanied by him. This happened the night before my presumed execution. It was all too easy.
I suppose that Polish court, full of idiots judges haven't known how to proceed, proving his stupidity or else have omitted my disappearance for fear of a moral judgment of allies and other nations, and releasing information that was tried and hanged. Nobody would want to take responsibility for the disappearance of a war prisoner considered dangerous. I thought they have hanged a Polish poor guy in my place, for lack of a better-qualified prisoner. Knowing the details aren't interested me. Remaining few documents on my judgment, just three little words rushed world, "he was hanged." I know they said that I did the Nazi salute before I died. I particularly like this part, because it would probably be something I really do; gave a status of fidelity to my condition as a soldier of Hitler, ended well my story as SS-Hauptsturmführer Amon Goeth. At least it was a happy end fairly consistent for many people.
The hardest thing for me, however, was not to have gone through trials, health problems, and prison or have my sealed by a court, which forced me to radically change my life destination. Changing identity was not so hard. The SS-Hauptsturmführer Amon Goeth died with the fall of National Socialism and I was ready for it. The biggest problem was another...
I finally understood that every man has his weaknesses. For a long time I thought I had none. Always with great arrogance, I felt above stupid frivolities that bring down the strong. I knew that to fall in disgrace, it takes more, would require something beyond my strength or my understanding happens. And frankly, I didn't feel that something like this, could come to a mess with my emotions or countermand my deepest convictions day ... I always felt numb for most things that affect both the others. But nothing and no one had prepared me for what I would feel. I never thought it could happen to me, something that made me feel truly alive, to give me back some genuine humanity, but also frightened me so much that I don't know what to do. I always thought myself prepared for everything, but today I understand that no, I was not prepared...
I am a practical man, you see. I'm the kind of guy that doesn't get carried away by emotions. This doesn't mean that I'm a huge iceberg, as I know many people think I was. Yes, I am able to feel affection. I've been married twice, duh. The first marriage, with Olga, happens in my time of party activism in Munich, and I have bitter memories of that. My son with her, Peter, died of diphtheria a few months after birth and this fact ended with her… And ended our marriage too, which lasted only two years. I confess that I left the best part of my heart in my firstborn coffin, that part was capable of feeling empathy, unconditional affection and that gave me a veneer of humanity. After that, I just cared little about what was happening around me. If doesn't concern me, as a person, as an individual, I just didn't care, because it doesn't really affect me. And after my son's death, I slept, every single night, the slept of the righteous, no matter what I had done during the day, because I really don't care…
Even after the failure of my first marriage, I insisted on a new relationship, because maybe that would give me some comfort; fill the gap left by Olga, but mainly, by Peter. No decent parent family deserves to see his son die first. At that time, I certainly didn't deserve.
Then, came Anny. And with her, my progressive career advancement. This relationship lasted a little longer; we were married from 1938 to 1944, during the war years, which left us apart most of the time. But Anny didn't serve me at all; every visit I made to our home, more convinced me that we were like oil and water, and, except for Ingeborg and Werner, my children with her, I didn't care what she thought or wanted for both of us. Therefore, I took a very dissolute single life while she was in Vienna, taking care of children. I barely saw my children in that period and know nothing of them, since divorced. It would be too dangerous to approach them, so I keep me away. As she remarried after divorce and left Vienna, my consolation is to think they are OK. When we still married, she knew about Majola… And I know Anny hated having sex with me or anyone else, so, she was indifferent to my official mistress and the others that filled my empty days away from my family, while I was serving the country.
It happens that, however I knew that Majola didn't suit me, she was another to give me a daughter, Monika, who I would love to have known. I pulled back when she was still pregnant, but just before the child is born I remember Majola said that if it were a boy, he would have my name. If it were a girl, would call Monika, a tribute to my childhood nickname, Moni, which Majola much appreciated. Despite not love her, that gesture touched me. But once I fled to Argentina I didn't attempt any further contact. When she helped me to escape, she knew it would be so. And I don't want her coming after me. Left a good money with her and, for all intents and purposes, I'm dead, right?
Yes, I had a good life during the war, even when I had to occupy myself with things that displeased me greatly, as ghettos liquidations and managing the concentration camp of Plaszow. I was very annoyed at being so close to what was causing me so much disgust. It was very painful live every hour of my day with people so infinitely inferior; with every imaginable kind of sub races, it was terrible! But I took an oath of allegiance when I entered the Waffen - SS and compliance royally.
As I said before, I am a practical man. But I also believe that some things can escape our control, like it or not. Especially if you are more susceptible. It was like that with me. Life is a succession of absurd events; this is what the truth is. I was okay with my personal choices, and myself, until she crossed my path.
I saw her for the first time next to a row of ragged women, when I decided to hire a maid to take care of that awful house, who insisted on saying that it was a villa. In the midst of those women without expression, there she was. At first, what caught my attention was the fact of she being the only one not to have raised their hands when I asked if some of them had experience as a maid. That presumption attitude on her part attracted my attention, so I decided to choose her, just to see what I could do if trained her properly, according to my taste. Actually, crossed my mind that the girl was originally from some fine Jewish family, and think about it let me more interested in her, because humiliate an upper class Jewish was even more exciting than punishing a poor woman whose life was already difficult, before the war. I knew they were wealthy Jews largely responsible for the misery of the German people and the Austrian people. I wanted to make her feel the indignity of work that she would perform there. I wanted a rich Jewish girl cleaned my floor, my latrine or anything else that she considered degrading or undignified.
When I asked to speak her name, I looked closely at her face and, willingly or not, I thought she was very beautiful. I felt an impulse to examine her hands, maybe looking for a guild, but then I saw them, chilled and without ring, I realized that maybe she had already been stripped from it, if she had one. She was a very young and very frightened girl.
But since the beginning, she did something that angered me deeply. I imagine she knew she was very beautiful and tried to launch the first spell against me, looking at me in a shyly way, with her big brown eyes and giving a slight smile. "She wanted to be friendly, the little witch", I thought to myself. The fact of trying to promote their beauty in our first meeting made me go down to the basement after dinner that night. I knew the basement would be her accommodations. I invented an excuse to punish her. And she was naughty, that bitch, wondering why I was beating her. I bit her even more, just to make her understand that she should not ask questions, should not smile or try to flirt, because I was no fool, and was aware of how the Jewish girls attempt to bewitch good men to get away from the drudgery. All of them are false; they carry all tricks to deceive us. But not me, I was prepared and would go bending her… So, she dared not fool me.
The problem is that she was inside my house. I really didn't want her to stay away because I could need anything in the middle of the night and she was there to facilitate my life. However, I left the door open, too eased things for her. So, she needed to be punished constantly.
God, she was beautiful, it unnerved me so much... I once saw her laughing with Lisiek, a useless little Jew who took care of my horse and my dog and after seeing it, I was absolutely unable to work the rest of the day. Very white and perfect teeth, all on display in a beautiful smile for a beardless boy that almost peed in my presence. What a waste!
I never forgot that smile. I hit her so much that night that haven't seen her for many days; she was frightened for sure and avoided me as she could. And for me, not see her was a torture! I think that was one of the reasons that made me sent Lisiek faster to hell. I blamed him for not properly clean the stains in my bathtub, but the fact is, that I not bear the idea of that silly boy being funny to my maid, having fun with my Helen. Especially, since I've never seen that smile directed to me; for me was always the same terrified expression, with downcast eyes and trembling. And I was going crazy just to see her smile... When I gave her heavy beatings, I try to be nice and smooth in the following days, for her to see that I wasn't at all bad; I was just trying to correct their bad habits. But she didn't seem to understand, always demonstrating terrified, always trying to avoid me, running away from me, which just pissed me off even more.
I remember one time where Majola broke her arm. No, I had no guilt about it, the asshole bitch was crossing a street in Krakow and saw a bike that overturned and ended up causing the fracture. The problem is that she had ordered a dress for my birthday party, which was happened in my villa, and needed to prove it. But the arm with the cast and sling and was a big impediment to prove that dress.
On that particular day I had worked hard, spent all day inspecting workers in the field and giving just punishment for the slow and bums who delayed the production. I was in a bad mood when I got back to the villa and all I wanted was a little peace. But when I got home, Susannah, the other Jewish maid who worked for me, was trying to keep me downstairs, trying to distract myself from something. I realized she was trying to buy time for something to be done up there, and now angry and very curious, I went to see what was happening. It was then that I entered my room and I had an absolutely spectacular view.
Majola had asked the tailor made the dress prove in Helen, since she herself was unable. And I had the most sublime vision of her in those days, which even today disturbs me in a terrible way. She had her hair tied up carelessly, in a sort of bun, which framed her delicate face even more. Even without an ounce of makeup, she was really gorgeous in that blue dress. She was so beautiful, that I had a desire to get on my knees in front of her. So I was terrified, I didn't want Majola, the tailor or even the little witch had realized. I swallowed my desire and pretended great displeasure.
- Majola, what is it?
- Amon, this is the dress I'd told you! Isn't it wonderful?
- Why this bitch is wearing a costume party? – I gave a particularly angry tone to this phrase, which made Helen lowered her head even more.
- Amon, my dear, how would I prove the dress in that state? The couturier needs to finish it that way and I cannot wear it. Helen is a little thinner than I, but that is irrelevant now. What matters is that Mr. Bauermann finishes the dress in time for me to use on your birthday party.
Very annoyed and confused by the sight, I thundered:
- Lena, get it now before I rip the gown from you!
I remember the poor creature was so terrified that she tried by all means to reach the buttons on the dress that lay on her back. Apparently she didn't mind a bit to undress in front of me, proving once again that she was a bitch, proving she wanted to tease me, seduce me. I just haven't seen her naked, because Majola was faster and took her behind a screen that was in the room.
The screen was clear and the backlight, I could to catch a glimpse of the outline of her body while Majola helped her undress. I confess that this sight caused me anguish and desperate desire. The idea of having her naked in my room was so unlikely and forbidden that almost I did crazy. Unfortunately, I couldn't go to the screen, push the couturier and Majola out, pull out that dress and... No, I couldn't touch her, unless to hit her, I could not even hold her, who shall say possess her... No, ever... not even praise her for being so splendidly beautiful was possible for me in those days.
Only God or the devil knows what I went through that night, dreaming of her and the blue dress. In the dream she danced with other soldiers, laughing indifferent to my lonely anguish, mocking my suffering, realizing and taking advantage of my jealousy, my desire, insinuating and then running away, as she always did... Witch bitch!
Because of this nightmare, I went down to the basement for three nights in a row to make it clear to her that I would not tolerate another about showing off and teasing on her part.
On other occasions I asked her to come to my office to polish my nails. I'm a gentleman, I hate to seem a ragged and always try to keep up with my personal hygiene. So, I could contemplate her ostensibly without being bothered, and didn't need to use violence, so I could touch her without raising suspicion. She did her work quietly and gently, knowing that if she hurt me I don't hesitate to give her the right punishment she deserved.
Were so good times, so ours, I took advantage to approach her pretending I was flipping through the newspaper or a magazine. It was the best I could do to get closer and smell her. I know she wasn't wearing perfumes, just cheap soap for bathing, but I still felt a very special smell emanating from her, seemed a blend of mint with lemon, cinnamon and assorted flowers. Certainly leftover spices and fruits that she manipulated in the kitchen, maybe the flowers she put in vases daily in the villa. Her scent was so good I had an urge to pull her close to me and stay that way for hours, into a narrow, strong and passionate embrace.
Of course I struggled with lust, I am a man and had my desires. But, for her I felt something stronger than that, which went beyond the desire to have her in my bed. All that softness, her natural distinction, as the vaunted sophistication said by Majola… All that made such difference for me. It was like she was too good for that field, soft and delicate, unlike the brutality of the work that she was required to perform. Unlike the ugliness of the field, unlike me, so dry inside, so soldier...
Being around her was like being in a garden and to admire a rare flower that inspires tenderness, care, love and protection. And this mortified me, because I couldn't hold her, kiss her, either laugh with her, see her smile, play with me, those things that people who love each other do so naturally. This was humanity that she gave me and leaves me so weak and vulnerable is that I revenged her. Damn war! Damn inferior race full of wizards, thieves and deceivers!
She was one of them, but no way I wanted her to do part of it, so I forbid her to wear the Star of David, it doesn't bear the idea that she was even untermensch, disqualified as a human being.
So I beat her, I mistreated either. Punish her was like punishing myself, put it in her place, diminish her. Made me feel good to attack her, but paradoxically, also made me very badly. It was necessary because I want her to stop teasing me, stop being what she was, that sweet and gentle, caring creature, as I always imagined an Aryan wife should be. So different from hysteric Olga, indifferent Anny; she was different to Majola's vulgarity or any other Polish prostitute that Oscar Schindler put in my way, for example. It was what I thought every woman should be. I have had many women before and after her, but Helen was the one I really wanted and, by a stroke of fate, couldn't be mine.
When things started to get tense for our side in the war, I knew that the field would be disabled and removed all prisoners to Auschwitz. As so far I haven't had the courage to kill her and put an end to my torment, and not supporting the idea that she went to that damn field, Schindler took the bet and I lost her at cards. It wasn't a chivalrous behaviour of my part, but that attitude assured me a few zlotys and also assured her life. After all, I already knew that Schindler wouldn't rest until his beloved Jews were not with him, and I took advantage of this weakness to benefit me. The money was coming in and I was having surer that, like her, I'm also would escape with life to this lost war.
I knew by Stern that she also had a sister, Anna, and luckily she worked nearby in the Bosch factory. I contacted Bosch and asked him to send the girl to Schindler. It is clear that Bosch didn't deliver her for free. Anna cost me a valuable piece of art and I think the bitch not even know it. I doubt that Schindler also knew, because Helen's sister fell in his lap as if divine providence had had some part in it. Well, this is something that can now be used to my advantage.
I let her go, but I knew that I couldn't spend the rest of my life without her. I'm like a spoiled child who doesn't settle until I have the coveted toy. Somehow, when things got easier for me, I try to look for her; if possible, no matter how much time or money it cost me. I would go after her, because I had envisioned a lifetime at her side and I wouldn't give up this dream.
At the time of my trial, I asked her to be my defense witness, hoping to have her closer, maybe I could escape and take her with me to Argentina. But the idiots of the Polish court failed to locate her. I had to resign myself to it. When I returned from Argentina, nine years after my escape, and now in the persona of the millionaire Anton Klaus Prauchner, risked my skin and looked across Poland, rummaged through several European cities where the surname Hirsch found, but didn't succeed.
I recently landed in Vienna; I don't get long periods in the same place, because I think that great caution is needed to protect my new identity. Despite being thinner, I know that my appearance hasn't changed much, since the days of the war; then I try not to arouse suspicion. My new lifestyle ironically allows me to move in fancy places in all major European capitals. But, I always try to discretion; I prefer the aura of reclusive to avoid further problems.
And it's amazing how life really gives fantastic laps... Well, I couldn't believe that she came to me without I needed spending a penny more! I could hardly believe my luck this week, when, on the way home, I decided to stop and buy a newspaper. In the arts section, there was a picture of her, I mean a picture of her husband, the conductor of the New York Orchestra, with her on his side. The strange thing is, since I've been looking for her, I really hadn't even considered the possibility that she could have a husband. I don't know, I think I had the idea that she would always be around, and even more available to me. I didn't count with this Jewish conductor in my way.
I found the hotel where they were staying and sent an employee to bribe one of the porters in order to pass the relevant information about the Horowitz.
When I heard they were going to the castle, I decided to go after them. Luckily, the organ grinder husband wouldn't be present. So, all I needed was an opportunity alone with her. After I saw that the conductor's parents were elderly, I paid for a lady who approached her and suggested a visit to the gardens. For being distant, I was sure the older couple not accompany her. So, I could follow her. I made a joke with her, to see to what extent she remembered me. By the reaction she got, I realized I was still fresh in her memory. I thought is for the best, because she couldn't forget me.
Later, I learned that they would dine at Donau... fancy place, certainly the little Jew enjoys spoiling her. I went there, but unfortunately she wasn't, I must have scared her a lot that afternoon in the labyrinth. I flatter the hubby and so I had better able to approach. And today, I finally made my triumphant appearance. If the memory I had of her wearing a party dress was still very vivid, today I had as proof of the maximum within a rule has been the exception and how much worth the wait. She is the exception of the race, a precious jewel among the pigs, and I don't give a dam to what Hitler thought about them. The war is over, we lost and my oath is worthless. Even more now, that I am another man, someone who is above this question of racial superiority or inferiority. These laws are no longer valid, the Fuhrer finally died and I am under no obligation to comply with them...
She had the misfortune of being born Jewish, but this is a mere detail now. What I think about Jews certainly hasn't changed, but now I am free to express my feelings and most hidden desires, whether she's accepted or not.
I don't feel moral obligation in this matter, not really. And I want her to understand that, I want she hear what I have to say and do what I tell her to do, because that is how it should be. We cannot avoid it; at least I cannot anymore. And I know she will understand and appreciate that, after all, there is another solution to our story. Now, just what disturb us are her husband, but nothing I cannot solve.
She can't forget that she is largely responsible for all this, because it was she who approached, and offered bewitched me, none of this was my fault, and today if she came into my arms, it's because fate wanted it. And she knows it... But if she insists otherwise, will I have this certainty to her. Even if this means to use force again.
All these thoughts make me relaxed in my bed. Dance with her tonight was only the first step. Yes, now everything is conspiring in my favour. With this sense of impending happiness, I surrender to Morpheus all my good dreams, those who can finally become reality.