Hello, everyone,
Follows another chapter of my fic. Again, I apologize for my English mistakes. I hope you can understand the story anyway. I greatly appreciate all the positive and constructive criticism I recently receive. I sincerely hope you keep following this fic and telling me what you are thinking.
Thank you and wait for the translation of the next chapter.
Kisses, Claire de Jour
Walking at a fast pace, I enter the Peterskirche a little before the appointed hour. The majestic beauty of the church is moving, but my mind is too apprehensive to appreciate whatever. I just don't know what I'm doing there. But I'm not turning back. In fact, I have the impression that I'm walking more slowly, as if heading to the gallows...
I stop in front of one of the two relics derived from the catacombs of Rome and forming part of the estate of the church: human bones displayed in glass coffins. Before these skeletons ever exposed the Roman martyrs, I think probably Herr Kommandant chose this beautiful church, although macabre, to test my emotional limits, who are so vulnerable again.
Besides, these bones in the temple remind me too much of his uniform, which was ornamented by a skeleton head and two pierced bones. The skull showed that he belonged to the SS-Totenkopfverbände, the evil SS division in charge of controlling the concentration camps. So many times I suffered to get the bloodstains in his uniform, especially when he was returning from one of his many bloody inspections in the field. And it's amazing how everything is related to SS-Hauptsturmführer Amon Goeth has the shadowy presence of death to me. Impossible to me separate him that.
I was so absorbed by these thoughts, that I didn't hear someone approaching. So when I feel a hand lightly touch my shoulder, I jump in absolutely fright. I turn apprehensively. There he is... the apparition materialized.
We again face to face, and, perceiving my scare, he still makes a joke:
- Booh! - Laughed in a sarcastic way.
More frightened than ever, I remember the subtle threat he made, while we dancing the night before. I fear more for my family than for me, because I don't know what this monster has in mind. So I swallow my fear, fill my heart of courage and start, perhaps for this reason, the most longer and absurd dialogue I've had so far with Herr Kommandant in my entire life.
- I'm here. - I say, my voice in a tone intentionally more serious than usual.
- Yes, I knew you'd come.
Keeping one calm tone, I go ahead.
- I don't have much time, be brief, please!
- I think you already know why you're here.
- No, I don't know!
- I thought you were a little smarter, Helen.
- Please, no games, be direct, tell me what you want and I'll do my best to resolve whatever is.
- Really, Helen, you'll do your best?
I see that he is willing to make me lose time and that if I don't direct enough we extend this absurd conversation indefinitely, so, I decided to be more effective:
- The issue we have here is related to money?
- Don't be ridiculous! You Jews always think everything is about money, isn't it? I have more money than I need. In fact, I have more money than you and your husband ever have!
- If not money, what then? What do you want from me?
- It's pretty simple. I want you to come with me!
Amazed at the response, I continue.
- Go with you? Where?
- I don't know. This is just a detail... It could be anywhere in the world, I don't care. What matters is, that I want you to come with me.
Upon hearing this uncertainty dictates for him as surely, I seek strength, take a deep breath and insist.
- And why?
- Because deep down you always knew you would.
- No. I want to know why you think I would accept this offer?
- Because is not an offer, it is an order.
Shocked and still surprised by my own strength to continue with it:
- I'm not your prisoner. I can refuse this "order". – I said, keeping the haughty tone of voice.
- You can, but you won't.
- And why not?
- Because you're afraid of me. And than I'm able to do if you refuse to obey me.
The calm and the ease with which he speaks these things baffle me even more. Not knowing what else to say about it, I try to defend myself:
- But I've changed, I've changed a lot! I... I'm stronger than you think. I'm not that scared girl anymore.
- Yeah, things have changed. Until yesterday you called me "Herr Kommandant", now you are full of herself, calling me as "you"... But, okay, I liked the intimacy we have now, we were really formal yet... Well, you see, I also changed. I'm not the commander of Plaszow anymore too. I'm not even Amon Goeth. We are here talking in a very friendly tone and I realize your strength. Yet you know that I still stronger than you. I don't hesitate, now you...
- Enough! This is crazy! I'm leaving.
- When I try to pull away from him, Herr Kommandant secure my arm in a strong way.
- No, not yet! What's the rush? We didn't finish this conversation yet. In fact, we barely started...
- I don't want to talk to you. This is craziness... There's nothing to talk about, you should be arrested, or rather dead. You should be dead!
- Yes, I should, isn't it? - He smiles, always sarcastic. - But I'm not. I'm here, right in front of you.
- I'm leaving! - He further tightens his hand on my arm.
- I already said that this conversation is not over. Why are you in such a hurry? Invented any excuse to see me, and now you are afraid of hubby, isn't it?
As he mentions my husband, lose control and get upset once:
- Monster! I hate you, I hate everything that you were, I hate all that you are and...
- Sshhh! - He lets go of my arm. - Speak lower. You're screaming! Will draw attention.
- Oh, who's scared now? And if I scream here? If I call you a murderer here in loud and clear?
Before my threat, said loudly, he smiles and responds in a calm manner, but in very firm tone:
- Look at you! Anything you scream in here will be interpreted by the half dozen faithful as another stupid argument between lovers, those who find themselves fortuitously in churches. Is that what you want it look? Then continue with the theatre. To me, it doesn't matter. Please go ahead...
- I don't care, I really want everyone to know that...
- Oh, shut up! I just asked you moderated your tone because you sound hysterical. And if you have not noticed, we are in a sacred place.
- And what do you mean by sacred? Plaszow entire paved with tombstones of the cemetery!
- The Jewish cemetery. I don't do that to Christian tombstones.
- You bastard! Killer!
- Please, continue! We already have an audience watching us right there. – He points near the altar, where a few people were looking at us, not understanding what was happening. - I just thought the ridiculous scene that you starred in the dressing room of your hubby yesterday had been enough.
- I'm not afraid of you and your threats... - I screamed, to which he replied very calmly.
- Well, you should have. In fact, I think you still have... Come here, with this entire pose, but in the background is just a rude little maid, who needs to be constantly corrected. In fact, as you did for the imbecile of your husband left you come here to talk to me? He knows you are here?
Damn he chooses the best weapons to attack me... Holding anger, I down a little my voice, but keep the angry tone because I know it's surprising him, since in Plaszow, I looked more like a mute instead of someone who had the ability to speak. There I kept my mouth shut for the sake of self-preservation, the same instinct that motivated me now yelling at him, so many years later.
- You have no moral right to talk about my husband!
- Oh, yeah, forgive me! I forgot we're talking about an exceptional musician, recognized in the four corners of the world. A champion of justice, a shit master trooper, who pitied the poor, but beautiful Jew. He turned you, from mere little maid, into a lady in that ridiculous country, infested with runaway Jews and despicable rednecks. You're practically a Cinderella, with the difference that speaks Yiddish.
- You are disgusting!
- Really, you think so, Helen? You think I'm even disgusting?
- Worse, you're a monster!
- Oh, my dear Fräulein Hirsch... Oops, sorry, my dear Frau Horowitz... I feel we have an unnecessary tension here. You had to lie, was it? What you said to the soldier? Surely, it wasn't that you couldn't wait to come see me, isn't it? No, you could not be so direct!
- Your... - I stop trying to look for words that might offend him, take a deep breath and lower my eyes, hoping that this conversation has an end soon - I said I went to the synagogue! And don't tell him so. He is more man than you will ever be!
- Oh... At the synagogue, of course! I agree with you. It wouldn't be appropriate to let him know as soon as I popped my fingers, you would come running up to me, like the good Jewish puppy you've always been... I cannot be like him, but I think that I please you just being myself. If it isn't, I don't know what you came here to do.
Feeling the threatening and sarcastic tone in which he refers to my husband, and fear knocking at my door, I try to end this torture once more.
- I came because you threatened me!
As I realize that it is useless to argue, try to make him understand. - Look, enough with the jokes. - Deep breath - I'm not seeing sense of it all. I came here to settle this once. What is it, anyway? Why would I go with you? It's so crazy you just doesn't realize that the war is over, the years passed and that we must make what happened right there... in the past? I am not and I won't be her maid again, if that's what you want! You're dead, aren't you? Go, live your new life and leave me alone! I won't tell anything to anyone, not even my husband, or the authorities. Anyway, I doubt very much someone believe me. I promise to keep the secret, but, please, go away. Don't look for me anymore. Neither me, nor Samuel nor anyone in my family, I beg you.
- Not even Anna?
At the name of my sister being pronounced by that jerk, feel again the ground opening up beneath my feet.
- Anna? As you know the... You're bluffing?
- No, I don't bluff.
- What do you know about my sister?
- Enough that you won't walk away from me. For her sake.
- God... Why did I go with you? - I insist, because I don't know what to do.
Then he begins to speak in a softer, chivalrous, gentle tone, as he used with me that night in the basement of the villa, before beating me and whose memory now causes a cold sweat run down my spine. At my question, he resumes the conversation:
- You do not even know?
Dominated by fear, exhausted with so much emotional stress caused by the recent days and fearful about the direction the conversation was taking, especially after the mention of my sister, do what I always did in his presence: down my eyes. But not fully open the guard, still find the strength to speak, something that previously I would never have done.
- I'm afraid to ask...
Realizing I faltered, he approaches and also using a soft tone but firm says.
- Are you afraid to ask because you think you know the answer?
I cannot answer with words, I'm so worried and so concerned that gently move my head up and down, indicating a yes.
- Then, why you ask Helen? If it is so clear to you...
I get nervous around and talking louder.
- It's not clear to me... nothing is clear to me, Herr Kommandant. Please, I...
When I was trying to explain my feelings, the unthinkable happens. It was very quick. Herr Kommandant takes a step forward, pulling me tightly and kisses me. A long, strong, deep, so intense and fatal kiss, like the kiss of death. There is nothing like the soft and passionate kisses that I exchange with Samuel. It's very different. It's almost as if I could feel all the violence, always present in everything he did, along with a desperate intensity and urgency, need something like a possessive about me. When he finally let me go, I'm so stunned that I can barely breathe, who shall say anything. It's so absurd, so unimaginable that I can tell no more if I'm here or if, in fact, or it is one of my many surreal nightmares. Releasing me, he says:
- It was clear to you now?
Completely amended, I start walking backwards, away from him, afraid that he wants to beat me there, in front of the few people who are in the church at that time, because that would probably happen in the field. I would take a beating for doing something, maybe have I provoked him, I don't know, he would invent anything to hurt me, anything. I'll be going back slowly, but keep my eyes steady right on his intense blue eyes, in a desperate tempt to look strong and have control of the situation again. Still very shaky, using all the strength I have left to threaten him.
- Nnn-never come near me... Do not ever touch me, you hear me? If you do that again, I swear I'll kill you! I kill you! – I say, away from him now.
- Try. Let's see!
Shocked, I give back to the monster and out, holding back tears, horror, fear, and disgust. All I want is to go away from there. I'm seeing a rapid pace, but I can still hear him speak loudly:
- See you later, Lena. But do not delay or I stay impatient and you know how I get when I'm impatient. Do not make me go get you. See you later at the theatre.
I leave the creature talking alone in Peterskirche, in and out at random through the streets of Vienna, lost, scared, disgusted... I stop in front of a dumpster and throw up the horror of it all. I still cannot believe he had the guts to do what he did!
When I step in front of a bakery I stop and, awe, I look at one of the mirrors that help extend the amount of sweets in the window. I'm with the whole makeup smudged with tears and torn forcibly kissing. But beyond the cosmetic damage, I see that the emotional damage is even worse, because I'm the personification of fear. I walk into the bakery and go to the toilet. I wash my face and try to repair the damage caused by that date. What will I do now? What can I do? Damn, he overrode his deepest convictions and kissed me. He finally did it! And worse, made it clear that there is nothing I can do. He will see me again. What can I do?
Walking aimlessly through Vienna, try to recall the crazy conversation we had and realize I don't say anything. I still don't know anything about him, not knowing what he knows about me, except for Anna. Oh, my God, he knows my sister, he realized that it's my real weak point and I cannot let him try anything against her. Anna never married, lives a very independent life in New York, and, therefore, I think she would be an easy target; I don't even know what he has in mind.
But now I also know that Schindler was actually right when we had that conversation in the basement. Herr Kommandant likes me. He likes me so much that came after me, even after so long past. And if that's the way he loves someone, I tremble to think how is your way of hate. Sam, oh, God, Sam, he must be planning something against Sam, or even against my in-laws, I don't know... He didn't tell me anything. I was also so stupid, would afford the proud, strong and unable to maintain any kind of decent conversation... But also, I could nothing… nothing had prepared me for that kiss. I expected extortion, or even absurd invitation for me to come back to be her maid, even a beating I was expecting, but this... This is not; I never thought this monster wanted to take me to his personal hell. At least not in condition of his mate, perhaps as a maid, a maid who picks up, but still nothing more than a servant. He will find me tonight, in the lobby of the theatre, in the backstage, in the hotel, he will look for me, and so I need to act now! Be faster, smarter than him. Yeah, I think I know what I'll do...
I look for a taxi and go to the hotel. Decided, go into our suite, walking by Sammy who sits certainly reading the reviews of the concert the night before, and, without saying a word, I'm up to our room. Realizing my disorder, Sam follows me and see, dumbfounded, that I'm pulling our empty luggage and opening all the cupboards to throw the clothes in bags anyway.
- Helen, what is it? - Sam asks me.
- Enough, we're leaving. Enough!
- Are you crazy? I have one more presentation today. Just let us to Berlin after tomorrow.
- No, Sam, we're not going to Berlin. We'll leave here and go back to New York. Today! You hear? Today!
- Oh my God. - Sammy interrupts my crisis. - What's wrong with you?
- Don't stop me, Samuel Horowitz. We're leaving today. There must be a ship, a plane, no matter what means of transportation. We will leave Vienna today!
Sam holds me tight by the shoulders and yell at me, shaking me, as if to stop me with my delirium.
- Stop already with this. By the way, what is it all about? Can you explain what's gotten into you?
- Sam, trust me, we need to get out of here ... You, me, your parents need to go back ... Anna, oh God, Anna, we need to return, you don't understand?
- I'll only understand if you try to calm down and explain to me what this is all madness. You've been acting strangely and saying so great absurdities that I am not recognizing you. This has something to do with Mr. Prauchner? With what happened yesterday in the theatre?
- I... God, Sam, no, it has nothing to do with that man! Why do you think that everything now has to do with that man?
- Because when you saw yesterday and made that whole scene, and then apologized… Well, you say he reminded you of someone who has hurt you. Helen, calm down, what is happening? Where do you know him? Be clear, please, because this whole hysteria I cannot understand you...
- I was wrong, okay? I was wrong, I was confused, had just fainted, I don't know what went through my head. I am not hysterical, I'm just sick of it all!
- You hit your head on the ground when dropped in the labyrinth of the castle?
- No, Sam, I did not hit my head anywhere. I'm just tired of this tour and I'm scared! That's it! I don't want to be here, something tells me that Anna needs me we have to go! Please! Want me to kneel at your feet? - And, pathetically, I kneel before Sam, in tears. - Please?
- By God, Helen! How ridiculous is this drama? - Sammy pulls me hard, maybe too scared and surprised by my attitude. - I've never seen you like this. Love, calm down, I'll see if Mom brought a tranquilizer and...
- No, don't go, Sam, don't leave me here alone! Beth doesn't need to put it, I... I'll be fine, just promise me we're leaving... I'll talk to your mother when we're on the train, in route from London or whatever from wherever, so we can go out of here. Help me with my bags, because I think we can catch a night train and...
- Enough! While you don't explain what is happening, I cannot help you. But know that you'll leave here not solve whatever is happening to you, Helen. You are very upset!
At that moment, the phone rings and I go into despair, because I think it's him in the other side of the line. Try to prevent Sammy answer the phone, I getting right in front of the machine, which plays an annoying way.
- Get away from me, Helen, let me answer that phone.
- No, please, listen to me; don't answer... no answer, please...
Totally shocked, Sam pushes me aside and answer the phone.
- Hello! Yes, Peter, of course, right! I'm going right now.
He turns to me, at this point can't stop shaking and crying in a convulsive weeping.
- It was Peter, our concertmaster. I need to go. But first, I want you to tell me what or who you are afraid, Helen?
I can't answer, hiccups and sobbing won't let me speak. Sam puts his hand on my forehead and, feeling that I'm in turmoil, speaks.
- My God, you're a high fever. For this reason you're delusional like that... I'll call the reception and ask for a doctor. Lie down, please.
I do what he asks because I'm feeling really sick. Oh, Sammy, dear, I wish so much could tell you, but he mentioned Anna, so far from me, and have threatened, though in a subtle way, you, your mother, your father, so I shut up; as has my self-preservation, since the days of the basement of the villa. I shut up because I know what he is capable and to think calmly about what I can do to defend you and myself from this monster. I just need some rest... put order in my thoughts... I just need to rest... I...
- Hello, reception? Please, I'd like to see a doctor. Yes, it is urgent. Right. Thank you! Did you see, love? Already, we have a doctor here and... Helen... Helen! Oh, my God! Wake up, love! Helen, Helen...