Hello, it is very late to finally give another chapter translated from "The Labyrinth". I thank all who are following this fic in Portuguese and also the translation. I hope soon translate another chapter. Please tell me what you think. I want also reviews in this fic, please leave your opinion. Thank you!
Finish to pack my bag and I look in the mirror, satisfied. Anyway, things are within the prescribed direction, Hans, my faithful servant, called warning that everything was arranged and I could go home as soon as possible. While carefully I adjust the knot of my tie I think of her. Think of your hair soft as silk, I think of her dark eyes like a sky announcing a violent storm, I think of her white, soft and delicate skin, so inviting to the touch, think about your lips, oh so sweet lips were opened as a rosebud for me... After finally kissed her, I understood how much I am doomed and cheerful accepted my fate.
The problem is wait for her was becoming unbearable and I had to act. After so long living moderately, I feel like a dog, tired of crumbs runs rushed to enjoy a feast. And I really got tired crumbs. I am hungry, I have to hurry!
What I didn´t expect is that she would be so weakened. When I didn´t see her in the theatre that night I was desperate, because I knew that she wouldn´t see me. I didn´t even think she was challenging me, for however that has threatened me in the church, I know I couldn´t do anything because she is too fragile to be able to stop myself. She knows she is the weaker side. I was desperate, but not enough to ruin everything.
I was calming down during the concert, and then I talked to her husband's, the idiot one. I knew she was indisposed after the supposed visit to the synagogue. With all the indifference that was possible to me, I heard about Helen´s despair in that afternoon and I was very worried because I knew that she really wants to get away from me.
But I've been too magnanimous with her, I already let her go once, when I lost her for Schindler in the cards. I let her go because I wanted her to stay alive, but alive for me and not for this Jewish soldier who barely contain the tears to tell me the fear he feels that his wife is going crazy. He is a weak and chickenshit, as every Jew. I pretended to be attentive and suggested she be hospitalized because so I gain more time with her still in Vienna. I couldn´t let her go to Berlin because the risk of losing her was much larger.
That's when I had a snap: as Helen's behaviour suggested to everyone a nervous breakdown, so why not encourage her for what she really had one? In the state she was in, it wouldn´t be difficult. I'm sure the bouquets of edelweiss had strong influence in her collapse. I wrote little disturbing messages, sometimes by my own, sometimes transcribed by great German authors... just for her to understand that I would not give up, that the kiss in the church would be just the beginning, after all, I want and need more.
I resigned to my deepest convictions for the love of her. And in her name I became human again, able to feel deeply, which still amazes me and surprises me. And if it´s to be so I'll drink from that fountain, even for this I have to drown. And if I have to sink me in this love, I have no doubt that she will sink with me.
The nurse of the psychiatric ward was duly bribed by Hans to frug her and take her to the hospital backyards. Hans was successful in charge of all this arrangements. I'm very anxious, I come soon to Vienna, I want to see her, I need to see her...
I just cannot raise suspicions, so I followed the little Jew and his father in Berlin and Paris, so that my name not be related to anything with her current mood. I endured the old man and the cry baby conductor for longer than I would like. Were other times I certainly would have lost my patience and used my old Luger, a straight shot for each one, so I wouldn´t hear so much nonsense. I cannot understand what Helen saw in this kind of man, so small, so weak. He can be very talented with music, but it's a sentimental kind of guy and so easily manipulated that would be pitiful, if he were not so insignificant.
I leave my hotel room so quiet, finally in peace with myself ... I think before going to the Gare du Nord I should go on the Champs Elysees to buy something for her. It could be a perfume, but I don´t want anything to mask their sweet savour; could be a dress, but I cannot think of any model that overcomes the view that I would have her without the clothes, then I haven´t decided yet and...
- Oh, thank God I found you before you left, Anton. - I go out of my reverie with the unpleasant sight of the dumb conductor staring at me. Apparently, I not be able to get rid of him any time soon. I try to swallow my contempt feigning surprise and concern.
- What was wrong, Samuel? You looks worried!
- Worried no, I'm desperate, Helen escaped from the hospital this afternoon!
- What do you mean she ran away?
- The psychiatric ward nurse's led her to sunbathe in the hospital yard, she had to respond someone else and when she returned, she saw that the back gate was open and Helen had disappeared. They found even other patients already outside the hospital, since the door was unlocked, but no sign of her at all...
I felt the poor man's despair and again played my role as a thoughtful friend.
- Well, this is the hospital's responsibility. They have triggered the police?
- Yes, yes, they triggered. I already cancelled the presentations we would do here and have to go to Vienna, but cannot find plane tickets or train available with the urgency that I have now. Anton, I'm desperate!
- Don´t worry, I bought a whole cabin in first class, because I like to travel alone. Fit up to six people per cabin, you´ll go with me, but I warn you that I'm leaving now. You already with bags packed?
- Thank God, Anton! Yes, we bags packed, I'll just call my dad and go pick them up. I'll meet you in the hotel lobby. - And then, the asshole takes my right hand and kisses it, to my horror!
- I have no words to thank all you have done! I hope my thanks be enough for you!
I take back my hand from him in a quick gesture, but avoid showing my contempt and my disgust, with a half smile. I'm getting good at it.
- No need to thank me. I hope you downstairs.
As I watch the poor man disappear down the stairs, I enter in the elevator with deeply angry. I take a pocket handkerchief and cleaned the back of my hand.
- Shitty little Jew! - I think angry.
But what annoys me more is now I must not go on the Champs Elysees and I will have to endure once again the odious company from that nasty old man who thinks a lot of fun and this unbearable sentimental conductor. I'm sure it will go from Paris to Vienna whimpering and I will have to have an extra dose of patience to endure this long and immensely tedious journey.
But I was happy to know that they are dealing with Helen's disappearance as an escape from her, like she was even out of her mind and not as an abduction. It is better to think she's upset and not someone took her away against her will. I'll help on the journey of these two, but then won´t try to make me so present. Thankfully yesterday I gave the excuse that I must go, because I had many things to solve on my property and I am with another trip scheduled, I hope that this conductor not stand under my hat brim any longer. I am afraid to end up compromising me too much. And I cannot raise the slightest suspicion against me, especially now with all finally coming out satisfactorily.
I'll probably have to leave Vienna with Helen, maybe take her to Switzerland, we'll see. But while searching for it have to be much more cautious and yet I do this so they do not begin to suspect me. I've realized that the old Jew, Helen's mother is very smart and therefore still need to be around. I hate them with all the intensity that is possible for me, but I keep them with me, because I'm not stupid.
I meet the two in the hotel lobby. We got into the taxi and we remain all the way from the hotel to the Gare du Nord in silence. And so we get to boarding in our cabin on the train. Suddenly, to my displeasure, the unfortunate guy collapses in a convulsive weeping. I watch indifferently pretending solidarity, while his old father passes a handkerchief between his fingers.
But the truth is I don´t feel sorry for him. He says feel so much love for her and I no doubt of his feelings, seem genuine. But honestly, I have my doubts about what Helen feel about him. In my view, seems more a convenience interface, in which she is for convenience and for financial and emotional security.
I am also not stupid enough to think she loves me, no, not that. But she's afraid of me and says feel hate, I already think it's a promising start... Before hatred than not feel anything at all or very little, as I think that is what she feels about the conductor. Love and hate go together, it has always been so and always will be...
But the truth is I don´t feel sorry for him. He says feel so much love for her and no doubt of his feelings, seem genuine. But honestly, I have my doubts about what Helen feel about him. In my view, seems more a convenience interface, in which she is for convenience and for financial and emotional security.
I am also not stupid enough to think she loves me, no, not that. But she's afraid of me and says feel hate, I already think it's a promising start... Before hatred than not feel anything at all or very little, as I think that is what she feels about the conductor. Love and hate go together, it has always been so and always will be...
- Anton, I know we'll find her. What makes me so upset is to know that she is sick, and that probably was me who brought her to this state. If I had not insisted she come with me to Europe, if she had stayed in New York, none of this would have happened...
- Nein, nein... This happen because needed to happen, Samuel. Maybe all this is necessary for her to face her ghosts, whatever they may be. - I say this in the hope that he is shut up and leave me alone with my thoughts.
- She never gave me great detail about what happened in that concentration camp. - He insists in that conversation.
- Son, who went through what she went through certainly want to forget. - Thankfully Leopold made a sensible comment.
- Oh, and I didn´t go through difficult situations too, Dad? I killed people in the war. I was in Bastogne, I saw things there that I will never forget ... I also have insomnia, I also have my traumas and there aren´t few, for sure. But do not let them to be my prison. She, on the contrary, seems that never surpassed, whatever she was that she lived, I know many others who also went through concentration camps and were not like her.
- Yes, but you also know of many others who killed themselves, or will say you don´t remember your Uncle Jacob...
When I hear about the soldier's war trauma and so his old father, I caught my hand bag, down my head and pretend to look for something in it so I can hide a little bit with my hat a enormous laugh I made about these two. I imagine that Samuel should pee in bed thinking about the shots he gave and that perhaps have hit someone. It is seen he is a weak! Few things are more enjoyable than hitting a shot in the middle of the face of a futile. And if that useless is Jewish, so... Anyway, I restrain my laughter, lift my head and keep my theatre with them, to see how far this is going.
- You have your music, Samuel. And Helen, have something to occupy? - I ask, hoping to get some information that I can be useful, now that I have as my guest.
- She begins many things, but always end up losing interest, as fast as interested. I tried to teach piano to her, and also the cello, but she wasn´t beyond the basics. She tried painting, photography, handicrafts... tried several things... Ah, yes, of course, I almost forgot! Do four years she's doing modern dance, she tried classical ballet but said it was too formal, with too many rules. At least modern dance she has not given up.
- She doesn´t like follow the rules? - I ask.
- I think after going through a concentration camp full of rules, she has some difficulty with that. - He answers me, calmer now.
While he and the old man continue to talk my imagination goes away with Helen wearing a costume that could be the deconstruction of a tutu, dancing in a sexy way, totally free of rules, almost wild. I don´t like the lack of rules, I am a soldier, always following orders... and I am also Austrian, accustomed to living under the yoke of urgent orders and rules that make difference us from animals. But the idea of having her in my room dancing freely, with her hair loose and light and illogical steps, surprisingly, pleases me very much. Seeing her out of order varnish, see her without so many rules and procedures can be very, very exciting...
- Have you ever been married, Anton? You ever loved a woman so badly that the mere thought of not having her by your side turns you into a miserable?
This question hit me hard and I make a great effort to respond. Amazingly, I don´t lie to answer that.
- Ja, I've been married twice. And yes, I loved once how you say you love your wife!
- And over it? We know you are a single guy... - this time the questioner is the old man.
- Of course. Who is not able to overcome the end of a relationship is pitiful, isn´t it? - I speak looking straight into the eyes of the conductor. I talk the talk, maybe to decrease in his pathetic love, but unfortunately I feel myself the effect of my slap, because I know I can be considered so pathetic as him. And I'm amazed to see, me and him, both different men in essence and habits, love the same woman... so intensely that I know we are both unable to give her up, each in your own way. Damn Jewish witch!
- I think we can only overcome when we lose hope. - Samuel continues.
- You´d give up on her if you feel that she doesn´t love you, Samuel? - I asked, still trying to disguise irritation for him to love so much.
- Only if she didn´t want me anymore. But while she´s by my side, what I need to fear? She loves me and that is enough. - He says, with that simplistic conviction who is truly believed loved. I want to applaud him and display him to the Nobel Prize, for such kindness and selflessness.
- And why haven´t yet had children? - I ask, knowing I'm being naughty. - After all, you are married for some time...
- She still doesn´t feel ready. That's why, because as for me we'd have about four! - Samuel says, trying to smile.
- That's right! - I say, since ending the conversation, horrified at the sight of my Helen surrounded by his children. - We'll find her, don´t worry. I am kind a recluse, but I know some important people. Let's find her. - I repeat this so that he reiterate their confidence in me and also to shut up him, because I'm tired of him.
But when he heard that he sure to be loved, I found him a mediocre, terribly innocent, because I am sure that Helen don´t love him, don´t feel anything, just vegetates beside him, like a trapped orchid to a tree that provides her with all substrates, but that if she held any other tree, continue living normally. So I do not pity him, or anyone. Each one lives with illusions that best suit them.
As for me, I haven´t this illusion of being loved. But I know that I awakened something in her much bigger than him. I confirmed that the other day in Peterskirche. I understood when she looked down and nodded her head, indicating know what I felt for her. Whatever exists between us, I'm sure is a link much stronger and powerful than the weak link that keeps her chained to this conductor so many years. I know it and she certainly knows well.
All this blah blah blah with the soldier and old until I was quite helpful. I learned that Anna, her sister is at sea, eager to see Helen. Somehow, if necessary, can I benefit from it later, we'll see how things will stay. It was good also because I learned details that have always been obscure to me, because no matter how intensely we were close, I knew little about her tastes, I knew little about her, always quiet, always around the villa, but deep inside always distant. And it was with pleasant surprise that I knew his favourite colour is pale pink, like the dress she wore at the concert when I finally revealed myself to her and that such a good impression of her in their adulthood caused me. I was happy wondering how much she likes animals and plants. And the garden of my mansion and my dogs, cats and horses will please her immensely.
I think of the dishes I´ll order to prepare and she likes most, I think of the music that we listen together and all this things is giving me a sense of impending happiness, I barely stand the idea that I still have a long way to the mansion. When the train stops in Vienna´s Central Station, I thank whatever it is that finally I'm home and I can get rid of these two.
- Anton, I'm going to the hospital now and if I have more information, I´ll get in touch. Please, if you can trigger your important friends, everyone who can help us find her. I again will be very grateful!
- I´ll do my best to help you, Samuel. Be sure of that. Well, I got to go, I have many things to solve an hour. But keep me informed. See you soon!
Firmly shook the hands of the maestro and the old man, trying to appear calm, I kept calm to get in my car. Hans was waiting for me with a cheerful expression.
- Everything is allright, Hans?
- All swimmingly, sir. Can we go?
- Yes, run!
- Certainly, sir!
While Hans accelerates to the way home, an untimely dark thought invades me. And if she doesn´t want to collaborate? And if she rejects me in all possible ways? Am I able to kill her? Will I have to resort again to violence to have her with me? I don´t want to force her, not in this case, because I believe that without the war I have no more need to pretend any displeasure towards her and touch her is absolutely allowed. I don´t have the need or excuse to use force, unless I need to correct her. I don´t want that. I want her, free and without rules, such as modern dance... I want her with flowing hair and no strings attached, I want her as she is!
The car goes up the hill that leads to my house, yes this a real villa, nestled on a hill and far enough of naughty neighbours. When the car finally makes the turn in the driveway, I cannot stop myself to open the car door. Tired of so much war, today I finally throw me into the arms of peace!