Part 8
Every night, for the past four nights Fitz had been having explicit vivid dreams, plagued with every intricate detail that took place the night he and Liv made love, and it was slowly driving him insane. It was as if his subconscious mind was intent on punishing him, making it impossible for him to focus on anything else but her. In fact, just the thought of reliving that night again was making him want to forego sleep altogether... It was beyond frustrating, because for weeks he had struggled to even fall asleep, and now that he finally was, this was happening... Clearly- there was no escaping her; not only was she infiltrating his every waking thought, she was present in his resting thoughts as well. How can he possibly drown in a woman he couldn't even have? And in all honestly, he doesn't know how much more of this he can take- because it was tearing him apart both physically and mentally...
"Liv…" My breathing was forcing its way through my nostrils as I stood in her embrace, shaking like a leaf… "We don't have to go all the way tonight; we could wait until we are…" My voice was choked off as she stood on her tiptoes and pressed herself against me, rocking her hips against mine.
She undid the rest of my buttons and started to pull my tie loose.
I seemed to have lost all power of movement and coherent thought as she removed my shirt and let it slither down to the floor.
I followed everything that she did with my eyes. I could not move even if I wanted to, I wanted her to take the lead, to establish the boundaries of how far she wanted to go. Her exploration of every muscle and sinew in my upper body went ahead, unhurriedly, as if she were staking her claim and establishing me as part of her territory.
Her silent exploration was accompanied by the symphony of our ragged breaths, sighs and sometimes a groan from me as she lingered in her exploration.
She stared at my chest and seemed to marvel at my chest hair. Her hands had the freedom of my chest, my back and my neck. In response, I bent down to kiss the column of her neck, I cradled her gently in my arms, an acquiescence to the simple fact that I could not resist her anymore.
She pressed the full length of her body against mine and rocked her hips against me again. Her small hands with their delicate fingers travelled down my chest, meandering at my rib cage and along my stomach muscles.
Her fingers soon found their way beyond my belly button to the waistband of my trousers and intuitively homed in on the space that the tension in my belly had created when I took a sharp breath and hollowed in my stomach.
Her fingers reached their goal and turned me into jelly.
I took deep, hungry open-mouthed kisses of her neck, sometimes a nibble, sometimes I nuzzled. By her gasps and little fitful breaths, I knew she was turned on…. And I knew I was lost. I was as randy as a stallion ready to mount its mate- and the high-pitched keening sound in the background had come from my throat. At first, I had not been aware that I was the one who had made this sound-when Liv's hand disappeared beyond my waist band; but it had to be me, as the only sound that she was making was a muffled kind of moan as she returned my kisses.
I retrieved her errant hand and tried to slow down the quaking in my limbs by pressing my knees together.
"Liv, Liv, we need to slow down, otherwise I won't be able to last" was my explanation for removing her hands. I kissed her on the forehead with a smile, my voice was a hesitant whisper, I was no longer afraid of the vulnerability that this woman was able to expose in me at the smallest effort. My hands trembled, I do not recollect how they arrived at the zip of her dress, but there they were.
All of a sudden, my lips seemed to be dry, I wetted them with the tip of my tongue, contemplating if I should dare to pull down the zipper. The next time my tongue came out the relieve my lips of their dryness, Liv kind of latched on to it and started to suckle it, for a second my reaction was one of panic as I thought that I was possibly going to explode in my trousers there and then.
I realised then that I had loved Liv more than any other woman that I had ever met. Her fulfilment and her satisfaction meant a lot to me. Somehow, I was able to stop myself from ripping off that dress and just enjoy suckling her lips, her tongue and kissing her cheeks in return.
She put my hand to the zipper and turned around and I knew that I could no longer delay the inevitable. My vision seemed to be in slow motion as I watched her lift her hair out of the way so that it would not get snagged in the zip. I stared at the nape of her neck and focused on her first vertebrae… I have never known a zipper to make so much noise, or maybe it was the quietness in the room that heightened its sound to my oversensitive ears. My hands were surprisingly steady as I smoothed the sleeves over her shoulders. As my palms had not encountered any hindrance or straps, I noted that she was not wearing a bra.
As the dress slithered to her waist, past her hips and finally landed at her ankles, I seem to remember that I was no longer breathing. Or maybe I was still breathing, but it would have been so laboured that I was taking in less air than I was using.
Her panties were like little pieces of black lace, surprisingly, they were French knickers. I silently thanked the heavens that she was not wearing one of those horrible thong things that seemed to be the latest fashion. Liv then had the enviable task to trying to cover the smoothest, rudest flanks that I have ever had the pleasure of seeing. Yes, she was peachy… peachy in every sense and my mouth watered, almost wanting to relieve the hunger by sinking my teeth into the lusciousness of her skin.
Shyness had overcome my love as she stepped out of the dress on the floor; she covered herself with her hands, her eyes apologetic as she glanced at me. And I loved her all the more for it. I just held her, rocked her gently and slowly, as I whispered in her ear tender words to comfort her fit of nerves.
It worked. After a while, my chest was covered by soft, firm mounds of flesh pressed against me, as her arms crept up to my neck. She clung to me like a limpet shaking, whilst she gently nuzzled the side of my face.
I rocked her differently then, the abrasion of my chest hairs against her had the desired effect, as she gradually loosened the death like grip around my neck. I cannot understand the patience that I had at that moment. I was bold in communicating my desire to her without words, using my lips to gently trace the curve of her neck, whilst my hands came to rest in the small of her back. Restlessly, I started to move my hands up and down her back, before finally slipping low, past the barriers of lace to cup her bottom softly. Her cry of pleasure was music to my ears.
As I pulled her arms away from my neck, my thumbs joined at the base of her collarbone, whilst my eyes moved from my thumbs and then lower down; all I can say is that they were a beautiful sight. I stood like that, looking at them until Liv took my hands and placed them over her breasts; their gentle weight in my hands, as the centre of my palms were grazed by their crests; such a gorgeous sight and feeling to behold. She caught her lip with her teeth, as a little moan escaped her. The way she tossed her head to one side as if it was too heavy for her neck and tried unsuccessfully to squeeze her trembling limbs together told me all that I needed to know. She was ready for me…
However, I did not caress her; not yet, instead I just allowed my hands to linger and move lower to the underside of these glorious orbs.
My nose moved from her earlobe and down the side of her neck, "Liv" I whispered into her ear, "I want you to undress me".
Nervously, her fingers fumbled with my belt and I tried not to think of what she was doing as her fingers brushed against my lower abdomen in trying to complete their task. Her hands were shaking, and she had broken out in goosepimples. I rubbed my hands up and down her back, resting my chin on her head, as she finally succeeded in removing my belt and trousers.
She had left my briefs, but I wanted her to go that extra step – so I told her how I felt – "I want to be naked for you Liv, I want to make love to you, please take everything off". She stood for a while, staring at my briefs and her eyes rose solemnly to mine. Her attack of nerves was obvious, by the way she wrung her hands together. Her eyebrows rose ever so slightly as she repeated… "Everything".
She finally took courage and released me from the confinement of the briefs. She stood back and stared again, a shiver of awareness settled over Liv, her eyes doubtful, but not scared, again her smile was winsome, "You are beautiful" she whispered.
"No, you are the beautiful one" I replied, "You are all; no, more than I ever imagined you would be". I watched her face bloom at the compliment, before knelling down in front of her, kissing her, all the way from the underside of her breasts down to her belly button, she gasped out loud and tried to wriggle away as I worried the indentation with my tongue. In the end, I rubbed my forehead against her belly, my eyes were downcast as I slowly eased the French knickers past her hips and dropped them to the floor.
The skin on my back felt hot, cold and prickly all at once. I softly nudged her hands aside as she tried to cover herself again, my eyelids uncovered my eyes, hungry with desire, aroused to the point of madness, I raised them to meet her gaze, repeating what I said earlier on, "You're the beautiful one". She shivered again, at the naked longing communicated by my voice; it was heavy and gravelled.
I planted tiny butterfly-like kisses to her tummy, as I tried to buy myself sometime. I was worried that I was going to go off like a firecracker at the first touch.
As I stood up, my eyes scanned her face. I did not want to fail her, but I was scared that I would not be able to last because I was so painfully aroused at that stage. I wanted it to be good for her, the best, something that would be tattooed in her memory, but I was unsure of my capability of bringing her to such satisfaction. I tunnelled my fingers through her hair, my thumbs stopping to caress the nape.
"What's wrong, Fitz?"
"Truthfully?" my voice now gruff, hesitant and tinged with mortification.
"Yes, of course"
"I am worried that I won't be able to… I'm not sure that I will last... I am so wound up, that I am likely to erupt at the smallest touch- I don't want to disgrace myself, but more important, I don't want to fail you…"
"Even if that did happen, we would try again. I would never regard you as anything less than the man I love, these things happen."
She took my hand and led me towards the bed. My eyes were peeled on the fluid movements of her hips, the neat indentation of her waist and the gentle flexing and tiny hint of female muscle of her posterior. In the end, I picked her up and placed her on top of the covers, both of our eyes would have been unsure, but there was also a determination in our hearts to go on.
She raised her arms to me and drew me down; kissing me with adoration and leaving tiny, burning, lingering kisses on my face, my chin, my forehead, and my eyelids.
I rested my weight on my forearms as I received these kisses, "wrap your legs around me Liv", I whispered to her- and she obliged; her heat resting against my belly. In turn, I wound my arms around her and raised her up so that I could nibble, nuzzle and kiss her face, her ear lobes and her lips.
Perspiration had popped out on her upper lip and I licked it off, the saltiness almost an aphrodisiac of its own, together with the barrage of scents that cascaded into my senses-muskiness, perfume and desire. Her lips were parted, and her breath came out in tiny gasps; her eyes were round, as huge as saucers, her restless limbs told me to take courage; so I probed and then with a powerful trust, I surged forward making us one.
I gritted my teeth so hard that my jaws ached. Sweat beaded my forehead and made their way to my eye sockets. A tremor rippled through me, and I was reduced to a panting trembling mess.
"Don't move" I pleaded, I am not sure whether I actually said the words or mouthed them. We hugged each other tightly, our bodies, one trembling mass, a bundle of screaming nerves as the throes of passion threatened to engulf us. It was difficult to keep my eyes open, as a stunning maze of colours seemed to be bursting beneath my eyelids. Whilst I had my wits about me; to force my mind to concentrate on anything other than the incredible sensation of being fully seated inside her, I thanked her – "Thank you for this gift Livvie, thank you for giving yourself to me, for this precious gift." My voice was hoarse, and my knees trembled from balancing her weight; trying not to give in to the inevitable as I sampled her lips once more.
She was not steady either, an after parting from our kiss, she whimpered as she tried to get her own words out "How does it feel?"
"Wonderful, warm; I ache... I need you to soothe me…" I panted out each word, my lips trembling by the effort it was taking to form each sound.
The trembling that assailed my knees and my whole body, where urging me to let go… I growled out in frustration as I tried to tame myself, whilst I strove for a mastery over my body, to stop it capitulating into the fevered eruption that threatened to engulf me earlier than I desired. But hidden twinges made a mockery of my resolve, and a slight undulating movement when Liv wriggled ever so slightly to ease the impulse, caused the dam to break, as our hips took on a life force of their own.
Her soft tremulous cries of delight filtered into my brain - as we started to climb towards that pinnacle of rapture - the sounds she made were a delight. I tried to keep my eyes focused on hers, but my eyelids were so heavy.
So many emotions flashed through her eyes, I wanted to ask them to stop so that I could clearly see and treasure each unspoken reaction. We moved to the sinuous rhythm that was as old as time, the rise and fall of bodies seeking fulfilment and yet reigning in their desires so that they could delay that final eruption. The silence in our room was accompanied by gasps for breath, panting, a groan or sometimes an indescribable high-pitched sound.
Her deep throated groan of fulfilment as she chanted my name on the road to capitulation was the sweetest sound that I have ever heard. And I followed immediately after.
I lay sprawled over her, my face buried in her hair; my shoulders shuddered with effort to lift my weight off her, not wanting to crush her. I struggled to catch my breath as my lungs bellowed to replenish the oxygen inside them; tears pricked the back of closed eyelids and ran slowly down my trembling cheeks.
I realise now that they were tears of joy, tears of relief. My joy in that instance was the acknowledgement that I had fully given myself to Liv, no reservations, no selfishness; just a willingness to ensure that she was pleasured beyond belief. She held me closely, wrapping her arms around my sweaty back and then running her hands over my shoulders, my neck, and holding my head to look deeply into my eyes, maybe for reassurance.
Her thumbs moved the tears from my face, in turn, I smiled intently at those beautiful, deep brown eyes; I wanted to drown in the depths of the tenderness and love that I could see in them.
My brain seemed to have turned into mush, and a lack of oxygen seemed to have left me sluggish, my body unable to move for what seemed to be aeons of time. I felt so shaken by what had happened, it seemed as if I was outside of my body, disconnected, watching myself.
Finally, I eased my legs down hers and we ended up in a tangle of limbs; hers still shaking with aftershocks.
Lazily, she puckered her lips for a kiss, I was more than happy to oblige to her request. And a gentle flush crept from her chest, to her neck and face.
We lay there, limbs intertwined, breathing returning to normal, my head cushioned against her. I placed languorous kisses on her sternum, watching her face, with my gaze shielded by my eyelids.
After a while, I could feel her wriggling her toes near my calves. When I enquired if she was okay, she gave me a bashful smile before explaining. "I can still feel you, feel everything, all the way down to my toes".
My brain was slow in responding, I suppose I had starved it of oxygen for too long- so I gave an incredibly dumb reply… "Of course you can still feel me, I am cuddled against you…"
"No Fitz, not there…"
"Where then?"
She rolled her eyes backwards towards her brows, this time her look was almost coy… "Oh…oh, I see…". I felt like a clumsy oaf for not understanding in the first place.
Her words inflamed me, and she had given me a ready excuse, igniting my body again, I rocked gently against her, "Do you feel… this?" My words were slurred, as if I was drunk with love, in making love and loving Liv.
Her eyebrows rose in shock "But Fitz, you have just… what I mean is, you can't be!"
"Oh yes I can" I replied, my voice raspy, as I laced our fingers together, stretching our arms out to the side and with my back as tight as a bow, I bent to kiss her sweet lips, as my hips dipped and picked up on her rhythm as we started the dance of love again.
I remember rolling over later, so that she could lie on top of me, conscious of the difference in my weight and height. A delicious fatigue had set itself on me. My love lay there, draped over me, her face hidden beside mine. I knew she wasn't sleeping because I received the occasional kiss to my face, and delicate snuggles with the tip of her nose.
"Fitz?"
"Yes, my love?"
"You are a Tiger."
My eyes slide lazily towards her face- and my teeth catch the bottom of my lip in an eloquent almost smug grin. My lover was boasting of my prowess, what more could a man want?
To be honest, I have never felt so virile in my life. My loins felt so heavy and full, almost as if they would burst, and the only thing that alleviated the heat was when I was deeply embedded, lodged to the hilt with Liv.
My grin was almost feral, I was not sure that she would have appreciated my thoughts at that time – I wanted to make love to her until her legs trembled and felt so wobbly and bandy that by the time she finally got out of bed, she was only able to take small steps, in an almost pigeon-like fashion. Of course, I kept this purely male fantasy to myself and tucked it away in my memory like a naughty secret; again, grinning at her compliment as I gazed at the ceiling.
"Only for you Liv, no one else, only for you…" I replied. I had to reply; she had just stroked my ego and the testosterone inside me demanded that I acknowledge and respond. Her grin reminded me of the same look she had in her eyes when she stepped out of the staff room, after our first kiss at the hospital, it looked triumphant. I shrugged; I was not bothered that she had conquered me. I was completely at her mercy.
Understandably exhausted, we found ourselves dosing off in each other's embrace… however, it wasn't long before I was up and wanting her again. My restless hands on her back, became more purposeful; kneading, caressing, stroking, lingering, and investigating all the tiny nodules of her vertebrae until I had woken her up, and her slumberous gaze turned to one of pure enchantment as they focused on my face.
My breath lodged itself somewhere in my throat, as my heart squeezed painfully within me and started knocking rapidly against my rib cage; I wondered how such a small thing as her smile could bring me such bliss.
I nibbled delicate kisses on her lips, tracing the outline with my tongue in reverence. The need to possess her again had churned up inside me. In truth this was a distraction as I eased her hips down and united our bodies together again, leaving her astride me.
She was barely awake, but the way her eyes rounded with disbelief suggested that she realised that I wanted her again. "I can't get enough of you" I whispered truthfully, my voice on the edge of desperation as I admitted my craving.
She seemed unsure of what to do and was about to drift off again. But I bucked against her, holding her hips in place as I tried to convey my need. "You set the pace, there's no rush".
A slow glimmer of comprehension dawned on her face. Liv leaned forward, her hands braced both sides of my head as she smiled and dipped her lips for my kisses - her hips lifted -slowly, almost languidly; and then she started moving…
I was probably able to focus clearly on her face for the first time that night. Her eyes were resolutely fixed on mine; mesmerised almost, and all her love shined through them. From this position, she had the freedom to let her hands roam over my chest creating trails of exquisite pleasure wherever they traversed. My palms skimmed her calves and moved slowly upwards teasing her and stopping at her knees to press my thumbs into the sensitive area behind them. But I was the one who started wiggling my toes at that stage, because I could feel various sensations all the way right down to my toes. My toes felt as if they were invaded by a million pinpricks, my back was tense; taut as I tried not to intrude or take over the lead from Liv, my chest bore the pressure of her hands and thumbs as pressed against them; my lips trembled, with a feeling like an electric current passing through them after she kissed me; and I dare not describe what or how I felt in other places.
I loved her freedom with my body, leading us, whilst her eyes rolled back, and her brow creased as she tussled fiercely with the need to prolong the ecstasy and stop us from reaching that idyllic zenith.
I figured that I had worn her out. I cannot explain the inability to get enough of her – because it is still unfathomable to me: If she was my drug, then I wanted to be addicted to her forever. No sooner than our bodies had cooled down, and our breathing returned to an almost normal state; an inexorable need clawed inside me again – it did not yield, it would not falter, and it did not relent. A fever, a passion like I have never known – I did not even realise that I was capable making love to a woman that way.
Want bayed in me like a lone wolf – it was somewhat fearsome to me to be caught up so fiercely in wanting Liv. The yearning to stay attached to her as these flames gnawed at me and buffeted for triumph was overwhelming, my mind tried to conceive that it could win, but it was not a mind over matter issue– inevitably my body won, I was a love slave and I obeyed its commands.
We settled down later, face to face, my arm was tucked under my pillow; I drew a sheet over us, up to waist level and then draped my other arm over her waist, my hand splayed over her hips, fingers gently kneading her rump. She played with my chest hair; and her face was near enough for me to kiss her forehead.
Her hands inevitably reached their goal – the tiny flat nubs on my chest and circled them and they constricted at the tender ministrations. Her eyes drifted away again as they concentrated on their task.
"I didn't realise that they were so sensitive" she murmured distractedly.
She bent her head; her hair trailing across my chest and shoulder. Her parted lips reached their destination; her eyes closed; I watched her, her cheeks hollowing as they suckled, and a croaky groan escaped me as she rolled it between her teeth and tongue.
I flexed restlessly against the sheets as need tightened my body and then forced myself to relax to enjoy her caresses. I wanted her to have her satisfaction, she had not touched me in this way before and I just revelled in the freedom that she had with my body.
The pleasure was so sharp, for a moment I thought I was going explode. I changed our positions so that I was kneeling over her… "Yours my dear sweet baby are so exquisite- and very sensitive. Perfect in every way…" I grinned as I was saying this, but there was a catch in my voice. I held her breast in my palms, enjoying the slight weight of them. I stared at them; toffee skinned, with a slow flush under them that gave way to a darker shade and different texture in the centre – almost like chocolate raspberries.
The crests puckered under my steady gaze, as they seemed to be alert to my need as my head descended to pay the same obeisance to them that Liv had paid to mine.
I moved from one breast to the other, taking my fill of this unbearable hunger as the nubs tightened in response to my caresses with my thumbs and being drawn into my mouth.
I was not quite sure whether to make love to her again. I did not want her to think that I was insatiable. But in a sense, I was, and it was all about her this time.
I had made all the initial moves – Oh I was content, and I certainly am not complaining because I know that she did not withhold anything from me… I watched the frantic movement of her legs as they unconsciously conveyed her need to me. I wanted all of this to be for her, and so I figured that I could wait until the morning, if she felt up to it.
My fingers found themselves on her thighs, slowly tracing their way and slipped between her legs – the pulsating warmth welcomed me.
I buried my nose there to take in her scent, and I would have carried on with my intent had she not hastily pressed her knees together. The silent query in my eyes were met by Liv's rueful ones... She looked uneasy, and then it suddenly dawned on me; she had never been kissed down there before… "Livvie, do you trust me?" Her smile was almost apologetic, as she nodded quickly… She didn't want to disappoint, but she was equally timid about the prospect of me going down on her… I however was not about to let her fears interrupt this new experience for her… "Then Liv, in that case, trust me when I say, I want to taste you- here… please let me taste you." My words had the desired effect, for she was immediately reduced to putty in my hands, as she opened herself up to me completely.
Slowly, unhurriedly and orally I took her to the freedom that her body had unknowingly craved.
"Fitz, Fitz…" with a voice that was mere croak she chanted my name; as she writhed with delight. Her voice was reduced to fitful gasps as the waves crashed over her and she finally capitulated…. "Fittttzzzzz'
Her body convulsed over, and over again as she bathed my face, my mouth, my wrist and my fingers with her bodies most intimate of tears.
Afterwards I held her close, tightly- her whole-body quivering with aftershock… It was a revelation to me because I had read about it, but nothing like this had ever happened to a woman that I had made love to in the past. I was utterly overjoyed.
However, I had not counted on how Liv would feel. She buried her head in the pillow and when I tried to kiss her, she imperceptibly moved her head away, unable to look me in the eye.
A strange kind of panic visited my heart, "Liv what's wrong?" I was worried that she was offended or shocked by the way I had hungrily devoured her- maybe it was too much for her, too soon.
"What happened Fitz? What's wrong with me… I… I don't understand it - nothing like that has ever happened to me before". In her angst and embarrassment, she had started stuttering her words.
"My sweet, sweet baby, please don't be ashamed. It was beautiful". I pressed her face to my shoulder trying to comfort her.
The Doctor in me took over as I tried to make her understand that in a sense, men and women were not all that different and that she had not peed herself as she had feared. My tone was warm and gentle, as I eased her mind and tried to assure that what happened, although rare, it was not abnormal either. If anything, it had thrilled me to know that I could bring her to such exquisite heights.
As I spoke to her in soothing tones, I rocked her slowly until the tension left her body. It worked– and in the end a secret smile slowly spread across her face.
I again wondered about her previous lovers – they had not done her any favours because she was so unaware of her body as an instrument of sensuality.
"Do you feel awkward when you see me like this?"
She looked down and noticed that once again-my body was painfully aching for hers. When her fingers reached for me and cupped me in her palms, cradling me as her thumbs slowly but surely investigated the treasure in her hands, the pleasure was so surfeit, I was sure I would faint. She shook her head slowly – almost as an afterthought - in response to my question. "No, I don't feel awkward, I love how you love me, and I love how your body weeps for me…"
'I Love you Livvie, I love you so much…' my voice was cut off as I threw my head back, dizzy with the ecstasy that she was creating for me.
"Let me release you…" she sighed- slowly and exquisitely- as her thumbnail grazed the honeyed tip. This time she smiled knowingly, accepting me for what I was...
Heart racing, breath laboured and with his head pounding, Fitz wakes up startled and painfully aroused; for yet another consecutive morning... This has got to stop- he tells himself. The intensity of these dreams was leaving him bereft of energy. He was an emotional mess; but this time round, lying there drenched in his sweat and heady remorse, it finally occurs to him what must be done to bring an end to this mental torture... He has to see her, one last time- if only to make sure she's alright; maybe then, he can ease his restless conscious and stop it from conspiring against him. He is guilty of treating her so appallingly, and no matter how much he's suffering now, he knows he's hurt her more... Somehow, he must make peace with what they did, and how badly he ended it... And although he knows that they can't ever be together (he threw away his chance), equally, when alone and faced with his own personal truths, he can no longer deny the blindingly obvious, these dreams were making him second guessing everything... How could he be that stupid to allow someone as special as Liv to slip through his fingers, but even worse- hurt her.
He had to make amends.