Hi, I'm finally take a time to translate another chapter of The Labyrinth. Sorry for the long absence, I'll try to continue to translate and deliver another chapter in portuguese version too. Feel free to send me a review and sorry for all mistakes in this translation. Love you and be strong in quarantine. XXX, Claire.
I wake up, frightened by the painful sensation of a slap in my face. With my face still burning, I open my eyes and the image of Frau Müller is taking form in front of me.
- You finally woke up... Feeling better? - She says, with the usual coldness, while she takes the gag from my mouth.
Fully aware of where I am, my mouth still muffled, I say
- Did you hit me?
- I had to do this to wake you up.
- Where are they? My sister and the monster? - I look around and realize that I'm no longer in the room in front of the main hall, where they were before.
- Your sister is gone. Herr Prauchner has already left to his room.
That's when I noticed that I'm back to my old suite he had chosen for me.
- How did I get here?
- I brought you. I found you passed out, and I presume the excitement of seeing your sister had shaken you too much.
- I... Frau Müller, I saw the monster dancing a tango with my sister! A tango! - I can feel the indignant tone of my voice as I tell her that. Frau Müller remains with her face of wax, unshakable, as always.
- They didn't dance a tango. And I'm not Frau Müller. I'm Frau Künzel don't you remember?
- Oh, no, please, this is not time to insist on a name that you know very well that it's not your name. And how they didn't dance? I was there, bound and gagged in that infamous parlour. I saw everything! Herr Kommandant trying to seduce my sister and her... She cheerfully allowed his assaults. I know what I saw. Don't make sound like I'm crazy, because that's not true! - I mean, disgusted.
Then Frau Müller approaches me, puts her hand on my forehead and says:
- You still have a high fever. I'll get your medication to lower it...
Realizing that the expression on my face remains altered, she tries to play it sympathetically.
- Delusions caused by fever are very common in your condition. – She says.
- No, stop it! I know what I saw!
- Fräulein Hirsch... I was in the parlour behind you... I saw everything. They talked a lot, it's true. And they drank together. But they didn't dance. In fact, Herr Prauchner put a record on the jukebox and it was really a tango that you heard... But they didn't dance. The moment he got up to put the record on the jukebox and approached to your sister, you passed out. The thrill of seeing her, combined with all this stress you've been through, and even more with all this medication... This has caused a new collapse. I saw you fainting... I tried to wake you up by all means, and since I couldn't, I decided to take you to your room. You have been fainted for a long time...
- I'm a married woman... I'm not a Fräulein, I'm Frau Horowitz. – I complaint.
- I'll treat you in the same way you treat me. If I am Frau Müller to you, you are Fräulein Hirsch to me. – She said, sarcastic.
I give up and try to continue.
- And how do you know my sister is not here? Maybe he's resting in his bedroom by her side... In his rooms?
- No, as soon as I went upstairs with you, in less than ten minutes, Herr Prauchner asked the driver to take her to the hotel where she is staying... - Noticing my expression of doubt, Frau Müller added: - Fräulein Hirsch, do you really think your sister would do that? Would she go upstairs to a man she barely knows?
I am so disturbed by the situation that I can't formulate an answer for the old witch. I just shut up. - No, I don't think my sister would do that – I think. But since this nightmare began, the reality has been so surreal, the events I've been through are so surprising that I can't be sure of my own sanity anymore... And that distresses me a lot.
Nervously, I push my wheelchair toward the door.
- What are you doing? Frau Müller looks at me, her expression slightly altered.
- I want to talk to him. Now!
- Say what? Look, you're nervous, if you want to go to his room just to fight, it won't solve anything.
- I'm tired of what everyone in this house thinks I should do. I'm tired! Enough! I want to talk to him now!
And then, Frau Müller came toward me, but instead of pushing the wheelchair down, she crouched down to stay the height of my eyes. She looks at me with a very hard look in her eyes. Don't give up on her and continue, talking very loudly.
- Open that door now!
I am surprised by another violent slap, accurately given off by Frau Müller, which hits full on my right cheek. The pain is even more intense than the slap she previously had given to wake me up. Perplexed and hurt, I instinctively put my hand on my face, barely holding back the tears that are ready to come out of my eyes.
- Why... Why did you do that?
Then, she pulls out a chair and stands face to face with me.
- You silly girl! Why make things difficult for yourself? Are you so happy with the treatment you've been getting here? I've just pulled off all the moorings and you look like you want to be tied and gagged again!
- I... I...
- The more you play the spoiled girl, the more you'll be punished, can't you see that?
- I'm not playing the spoiled girl. Don't you understand that I'm the victim in this story?
- Then stop playing the victim if you really want to get out of here! -
Perplexed by what I just heard; I ask:
- What are you implying?
She dodges. - I'm not implying anything. I'm telling you, in case you haven't noticed yet, that your childish behaviour won't help you get out of here.
- And what do you want me to do? That I accept to live with him here? That's it or this. I don't have a choice.
- You know you have... Just stop playing the victim and start thinking. He has kept you tied up here because all the time you show signs that you despise him... If you were a little smarter and you got into the game he proposes, maybe you would have more freedom of movement.
- I don't believe what I'm hearing. Are you suggesting that I accept his advances just so I don't get tied up?
- No, I'm saying that if you used your head a little more and acted more according to what he wants, you might have the freedom you expect.
- Would you help me with that?
- Don't be silly. I won't move a finger to help you. I am loyal to my boss... In fact, if you don't need anything else, I will withdraw.
- Wait! - I speak, holding her arm, trying to keep her seated. - Would you help me if I acted differently?
Frau Müller looks at me with her eyes devoid of any emotion and says, using the driest tone possible.
- No, I'm not.
- Then why are you telling me these things?
- Because I'm tired of your posture of suffering victim. If you think you're stronger than him when you were practically his slave, at least be smarter. What good are all these principles if all you have achieved so far is to be sick and mentally disturbed. Act more with reason and less with emotion. Now, if you'll excuse me, I still have a lot of work to do. Good evening.
Still incredulous, I watch Frau Müller get up from the chair, walk away, unlock the door and leave, turning the key with a clatter, so that I'm sure she won't help me to escape.
What I can't understand is why this woman, always so distant and haughty, decided to tell me these things, since she made it clear that she doesn't want to help me. But at the same time, I have the impression that she just wants to confuse me even more, because she said that what I saw in the salon didn't happen. Anna and the monster didn't dance together. If not, why did I fantasize about it then? There is no coherent explanation. I am so tired of all this that I drag the wheelchair to my bed and lie down, dressed in the clothes I wore for dinner, with no mood for anything but sleep.
My night, however, is terrible. Unlike the previous night, which I spent in the monster's room and slept wonderfully, I spend the night spinning under the sheets, still annoyed to have seen them talking amicably and to have fantasized about my sister dancing with this crook. I am also irritated by the fact that I felt so good in his bed, even more sure that he was there, at some point. As much as I denied it, something inside gives me the certainty that he lay down beside me. I believe him when he said he didn't touch me inappropriately. But I am deeply irritated that he somehow saw me naked, completely vulnerable. This confusion of feelings, this whole imbalance is killing me. Neither he nor I are succeeding in our endeavours. I won't give in, nor will he. We are stuck in our past. I know him too well and he knows me. I had never thought about it so clearly, but the fact is that he also knows me too well, perhaps even better than Sam has ever known...
The following day, Frau Müller came early to help me with the bath and to medicate me. Upon leaving the bathroom, I realize that she had prepared a small table in the room with my breakfast.
- Am I going to have breakfast right here?
- Yes.
- Didn't he ask me to come down and keep him company?
- No, he don't.
- Frau Müller, please... - She interrupts me.
- Frau Künzel.
- Frau Künzel, please... Is my sister here?
- No.
- Don't lie to me.
- She is not here. Believe me.
- And him?
- He left in the morning. Business meeting.
- Will he be back soon?
- Probably not.
- If so, can you take me out to the gardens?
- Don't be stupid! Of course not!
- I'm not going anywhere, my leg is immobilized, do you think I can drag myself to the street?
- I didn't mean that. I'm just following orders.
Again, she gets up and leaves, leaving me alone with my demons.
Inside that room, time seems to freeze. The hours drag on, to the point where I lose track of time. Frau Müller sent her daughter a few times to my room to bring food and medicine for pneumonia. I tried to talk to her, but the girl no longer opens her mouth near me, I think she must remember that she helped me and feels remorse for what happened to me afterwards.
I have the impression that he is imposing this isolation on me, just to torture me some more, after all, I didn't speak to him anymore after my sister's visit. I'm curious, I want to know what they talked about, I want to know how she's doing without me...
And so, the days went by. Since the windows in my room are blocked, it is difficult to know if it is night or day. I tried to orient myself by the type of meal that was served, in an attempt to keep a vague sense of time.
During this period, I tried to strengthen my right ankle. The track was replaced a few more times by a Frau Müller, who helped me more and more quietly; until I was finally allowed to take off the band and try to steady my leg on the floor. With great difficulty, I started taking short walks around the room, always leaning on the walls or furniture. Soon I know I can even run...
One day I was lying in bed, making some doodles on the back cover of a book with the eye pencil that I took from the makeup case on the dressing table, when I heard the key turn on the door. I have my back to the door and I speak to Frau Müller.
- Is it time for dinner yet?
So, I recognize the deep voice and the characteristic Vienna accent, which is so familiar to me.
- No, it's not. But I thought you might like to have a cup of tea on the terrace. In a little while the sun will set, it is not too cold. Follow me?
I look at him, surprised and, I confess, somewhat relieved to see him. After all, Frau Müller had imposed a kind of strict law of silence, speaking to me only what was necessary. I don't say a word, I just get up from the bed and slowly put on my shoes so I can accompany him. He looks at my ankle, which is missing the band and celebrates.
- Ah, I see that your leg is much better, it is no longer swollen. Can you walk without support?
- I think so. - I reply, barely managing to contain my joy that finally, after so long, someone is talking to me in a friendly tone. I try to put my foot on the ground, but I end up unbalanced. Herr Kommandant quickly approaches and holds me, offering support.
- May I help you? - He says, in a very kind tone, that in no way matches with the monster I know well. Still used to silence, I don't say a word, but I accept the offer and put my arm behind his back and let myself go. I'm afraid he thinks I was too happy to see him.
We passed through the long corridor and went to his room. When he stops in front of the door to open it, he seems to notice my hesitation in getting in there.
- Stay calm. The terrace is here.
We enter his room and he led me to a huge window, which, when opened, reveals the beauty of one of the gardens in the house. The terrace opens up a splendid view of the property, which is set high on a hill. In the background, it is still possible to catch a glimpse of Vienna, which, from a distance and bathed in the last rays of sunlight, looks like a golden city.
I've been seeing nothing from the outside world for so long, I can't contain a genuine exclamation of enchantment.
- It's beautiful!
This time, it's his turn to remain in silent. He leads me to the terrace wall and I support my arms on the wall and lose my gaze on that landscape, as beautiful as a painting. I think we spent a lot of time there, in silence, with our eyes lost on the horizon. I feel the wind has cooled and I rub my arms instinctively. He notices and takes off his coat, wrapping it around my shoulders. I don't say anything, I don't even look at him.
We didn't talk, there was no need. Anything that was said could interrupt the fragile peace, just established between the two of us.
The sun went down and darkness was present. The only light that illuminated the place came from the bedroom. Then he broke the silence.
- Do you want to eat something?
- Yes please.
He helps me and we walk slowly to the exit of the terrace. So, I stop in front of the door and tell him.
- Can we eat here?
- In my room?
- Yes, I don't want to go downstairs. Everything there is very impersonal.
- We can eat in one of the private living rooms... Do you still want to stay here?
- Yes, please.
- I'm glad. At least my room you don't think is impersonal.
Since I don't answer anything, he continues the monologue.
- Okay, I'll warn Frau Künzel. He let me in an armchair, next to the terrace window, goes to the phone and asks the old housekeeper to bring us something to eat in the bedroom.
While we wait for Frau Müller (I still refuse to think of her in her new identity), I decide to talk to him. I can't take so much silence anymore!
- How many days was I isolated in that bedroom?
- Ten days.
Amazed that it seemed to me an even longer period of isolation, I continue.
- Why so long?
- I had to leave... Business meetings in Geneva. - Hey, what is it, are you suspicious of me? Helen, I had a life before you, and it isn't because you can't leave that I'll stop running my business. He says that, in an impersonal and even a little cold voice.
- Frau Müller barely spoke to me during that time. - I speak, in a low voice.
- She knows she shouldn't talk too much. - He answers, dryly. And then he goes back to being the old Kommandant ever. - Did you miss me?
- I miss the world outside. I really miss fresh air that I just breathed on the terrace. I never thought I would be so touched by a sunset... Don't you realize that with each passing day, I die a little more?
- This is a redundant thing to say, my dear... All of us, as the days goes by, we get closer and closer to death. There is no escape.
Tired, I insist.
- Please, no mind games... I'm not being aggressive, nor am I being ironic. I'm just saying what I'm feeling. Have you spent so much time stuck in a windowless place? It is a horrible experience.
- Yes, I did. When I was arrested in Poland. Even sunbathing was restricted there.
I decide to change the subject, because I don't want and I really won't feel sorry for the monster.
- Listen, I need to say that. That day, when my sister came here... Did you two dance a tango together?
He gives a sarcastic laugh.
- Were you jealous?
I don't start playing, and I continue.
- Is that a yes?
He laughs again as he takes the silver cigarette case out of his pants pocket.
- Do you mind if I smoke?
Irritated, I reply:
- I do care, does it matter to you?
Even in the face of my complaint, he lights his cigarette anyway.
- No, it doesn't... And, answering your previous question, no, I didn't dance with your sister, however, we talked a lot, more than I ever talked to you. Your sister is an adorable creature, lighter, more experienced and smoother than you.
- She was always better than me. - I say, without envy, just because I know that my sister really is a better person than me.
- I'm not saying she's better than you. Don't be inferior like that! What I meant is, behind all this pose of a vivid woman that she has, your sister is a young girl in need, very needy. She must fall for many men, shouldn't she?
I don't like this final comment he made about her, but, deep down, I know he's right, because Anna tends to get in and out of relationships very easily.
- She has had some difficult relationships, it is true. Anna was not as lucky as I was.
- Do you mean about be a wife of a soldier maestro?
- Yes.
He looks at me intently, lets out a long puff of cigarette, fixes his gaze on me again, and after a pause that I consider too long, continues.
- Helen, do you love him?
Perplexed by the audacity of the question, I answer immediately.
- Of course, I did! Why do you ask me that?
- Because not even your sister believes in your love for the conductor!
- Stop lying! - I mean, again getting angry.
- I'm not lying. She told me that she thinks you are with Samuel for convenience, for any other reason, but not for love. She thinks you never loved anyone.
I am completely shocked by his words. What do you mean, I never loved anyone? What image does my sister made of me? - I wonders.
- That is not true, Herr Kommandant. Please, let's not start another discussion. - My sister is the person who knows me most in the world. She knows I couldn't live a lie for that long...
- And who said that she considers her marriage a lie? She told me that she would like to be in a stable relationship like yours, with the security that the conductor gives you. She is sure that your husband loves you very much, but she is not so sure about your feelings...
I try to quickly change the subject.
- And you kept talking about me, without even considering where I might be? Didn't she say anything about the search going on for me?
- Of course, she did. But all she said is nonsense. Both your sister and your husband have no idea what may have happened to you. In fact, they have a thousand theories and, you can be sure, my dear, they don't suspect me.
- If I were you, I wouldn't be sure. Anna lived in Plaszow too. She must have seen a picture of you or seen you in person, she must have recognized you and is faking it so that you fall into her trap. Soon the police will be here. - I mean, trying to scare him.
- I spoke to her vaguely about your past, pretended to be interested in knowing if you had any trauma, something that could have caused a possible collapse. That's when she mentioned the camp and said that both you and she were in Plaszow, but that she was confined for a long time in Herr Bosch's subcamp and didn't have many memories of that period. But you, on the contrary, should have more vivid memories, since you were undergoing psychiatric treatment with a therapist appointed by your mother-in-law and refused to share your past experiences with anyone. She was even considering returning to New York to look for your doctor, so who knows, maybe, to get a clue that could help in your disappear. She has many theories and one of them is that you ran away, ran away from everything, from the life you led, in an attempt to reinvent yourself, or else committed suicide because you thought you were crazy and that is why she can't get any news from you.
I am even more perplexed to hear these things. There are many theories, and in fact, none of them lead me to Goeth. Worst of all, it seems that this time he is not lying or trying to play the usual Machiavellian game. He goes back to the previous subject.
- As for your marriage, maybe she saw something that you haven't noticed yet, Helen.
Still perplexed, I prefer to change the subject.
- You didn't answer the question I asked you before.
- Which question?
- Did you dance a tango with Anna?
He puts out his cigarette in a cigarette case, and again looks at me.
- No. Frau Künzel told me that you passed out. And I think your imagination has gone too far. The thrill of seeing your sister after so long shook you up a lot. You were still very weak that night... But it wouldn't have been a bad idea to dance with her. Anna has the lightness of soul that you will never have. And this is very interesting. - He says.
- I know. - I reply, somewhat annoyed.
At that moment, Frau Künzel appears at the door, with a cart with dinner. She arranges the food on a small table and invites us to go there. As soon as she leaves, Herr Kommandant does the honours and serves me.
- I hope we have a nice meal for a change. - He says, as he smiles wryly.
- Why would I imagine you dancing with my sister? - I insist on this matter, because I'm getting scared by the sequence of collapses that I've been suffering.
- How will I know? Perhaps this is an unconscious manifestation of your repressed desire. Helen, I am not your therapist.
- It is not my wish that you dance with her.
- Well, maybe you want to dance with me. - He says that, with the usual dose of irony.
- Me? Never... I ever had opportunity at that reception you offered to Sam and it was awful.
- Awful? It's because you were too scared to enjoyed it. By the way, Helen, I must say, that day on the premiere, when we met at the theatre and you followed me, and then at the party, when I finally had the opportunity to touch you, to be close again... - He sighs, takes another long break and only then continues. - I've never seen you look so beautiful! I don't have to suppress this feeling anymore and I want to tell you that. Your sister may have a number of qualities, Helen, but if you didn't put yourself in so depreciative way, you would know your real value. You become a stunning woman, even more beautiful than I remembered... Does your husband not praise you enough? You need more self-love, my dear!
Irritated, I reply:
- Sam loves me deeply. Always praised me in everything!
- Really? Even when you give up learning to play an instrument, or give up dancing and all the things you started and didn't finish?
How does he know that? He seems to read my thoughts and continues:
- I talked to your husband on different occasions. He is an open book; he talks about your relationship very openly.
- And you haven't missed an opportunity to snoop on my life, have you?
- In fact, I didn't. I wanted to know everything was possible for me. Anything can be useful, especially in this situation we are in now. We have all the time in the world to get to know each other better, but I have some advantage over you.
- I don't want to know anything about you. I don't care about your disgusting life! I already know you very well and nothing that comes from you can interests me.
- Really, Helen? You know nothing about my life, absolutely nothing! And this is bad for you.
- Why?
- Because I know more about you than you know about me. I know some weaknesses; I know your dilemmas... I even know what your family thinks of you and that you had no idea...
- I know enough about you, I know what I need to know... Please, you said to me that you want peace at the table. Are we going to eat in peace or not?!
- Of course, we will.
And so, we finished dinner in silence. A heavy silence.
Once again, that conversation didn't lead to anything, our meetings always end in exchange accusations, in conversations that seem more like disputes, in unnecessary hints. Ironically, we look like an old couple in crisis. A couple who know each other too well, who know all the other's tricks, who are stuck in a worn-out relationship...
At the end of dinner, I ask to go back to my bedroom. He offers me his arm for support and we continue together, down the long corridor.
The silence is embarrassing.
I feel like he wants to tell me something, but he's keeping it to himself. At the same time, I also feel a strong desire to talking, provoking him, starting another discussion. But I know this is going anywhere. When we get to the door, he lets me in and stands there.
- Aren't you going in? - I asks.
- Do you want me to come in or is this just another unnecessary formality in our relationship? I have no intention of continuing to argue with you.
- You're the one who knows... I'm just the prisoner. I'm the one who follows orders here, isn't it?
He takes a long breath, as if searching for a long-worn patience in his heart.
- You know that everything could have been different, don't you?
I decide not to answer.
- Say something, Helen.
- What do you want me to say?
- I want you to say what's going on in there. - Surprisingly, he speaks in a very low voice, almost in a whisper.
- And would it do anything? Would it improve my situation?
- We can reach an agreement.
- Agreement? What kind of agreement? If the only option I have is to stay locked up here?
- And if I increase your freedom... Give up a little...
I keep looking at him, not understanding. He continues.
- Could you give up a little too?
- If you think you'll get what you want with me...
Then he touches my mouth with his index finger, as if asking me to shut up.
- Look... I won't ask for anything now. Just put your guard down a little...
Faced with the impassiveness of my face, which shows no reaction of goodwill with what he says, he insists.
- What do you have to lose?
I keep looking at him intently. He notices, lets me through and closes the door, staying outside. Then I hear his voice, very irritated, in the manner of the old Kommandant.
- If you prefer isolation, I can leave you stuck there, forever.
Irritated by that last provocation, I yell.
- I just want you to die! Monster!
Walking with difficulty, I go to bed and lie down. I hear him turn the key twice and move away heavily.
Lying there, I look at the canopy of the bed, thinking about everything we talked about today. Nor do I stop thinking about the words of Frau Müller said, days ago. They both told me that I have nothing to lose. Really, I don't. The situation I am in is hopeless.
If I want to have a little freedom, I need to give up.
I don't want to go back to the basement, nor do I want to be stuck here. The sunset on the terrace made me realize how futile this struggle has been, and how much I love life, how much I love my freedom and how unfair it is to once again deprive me of it.
I don't want to live next to him on probation, but I also don't want to live imprisoned beside him. It is a situation without much choice, without shortcuts, with no way out.
If I want my freedom, I need to have the strength to fight for it in another way...
Even if I need to give up a little...
I just don't know if I can do it.