So sorry for the delay!
Big thanks to everyone who reads, reviews, favorites, and recommend's this story. It truly means a lot.
HUGE thanks to Fran for all of her hard work. Any mistakes you see are my own ... forgive me!
The story is winding down and I hope to have the remaining chapters posted soon. I am currently working on all-human story next, so that will be posted soon as well.
Enjoy!
SM owns everything Twilight.
A loud snarl erupts from my chest as I stagger backward, feeling almost drunk and disoriented as my shield rebounds back to me.
No matter what I do or how hard I focus, I can't command my shield to expand or lower at will. There's a heavy resistance there like it's made of tight elastic; it will pull away just enough for me to feel a slight tug in my head and around my body.
It's an uncomfortable feeling, as if I'm peeling off a layer of skin, and as soon as the feeling registers, my shield snaps back in place.
Eleazar, Carlisle, Kate, and Edward stand around me in a loose circle in the large expanse of the Denali's backyard, watching me attempt and fail to control my shield.
The others remain inside the house, watching from the windows.
I can feel their eyes on me, which sets off my nerves and aggravation even more. I'm failing in front of a crowd of people; something I absolutely hate to do.
There's no doubt that they understand my issues; everyone has been extremely supportive, throwing out kind words and helpful suggestions for me to master my control, but I can't seem to grasp any of it.
My mind keeps running back to the what-ifs.
What if I lose control?
What if I hurt someone?
What if I get lost in my head again?
It's a never-ending loop of questions and scenarios that escalate the longer I think about it.
James, Emmett, and Garrett provide comedic relief and distractions with tales of their newborn years, and even Irina has joined in with her own experiences.
For someone who keeps to themselves and is so quiet, I'd never expect her to have a temper that rivals mine. But at least she learned to control hers—it took her ten years, but she still mastered it.
The thought of having these issues for ten years makes me apprehensive. I can understand why vampires are so impassive when mentioning time; nothing changes for us. Ten years must seem like a week for an immortal, but I still have my human family and friends.
Time is different for them, and I can't wait that long.
Petulantly, I kick at a snow pile, sending a small boulder flying through the air and hitting a small spruce tree. Part of the trunk explodes from impact, bark flying in all directions and littering the snow with pieces of dark wood.
Emmett claps and cheers from the house, bringing a small smile to my lips, but it quickly fades as I recall the reason for his reaction.
"It's only been two days," Eleazar says, ever patient with my newborn temper. He and Carlisle need to be nominated for sainthood or something because they're the calmest people I've ever met. "You didn't learn to walk or talk in a short amount of time; this won't come easy either."
I huff, knowing he's right; anything that you're learning is going to take time and practice.
It doesn't mean I like it, though.
Kate walks up to me, patting me on the shoulder, smirking when I eye her suspiciously, looking for any kind of spark emitting from her skin.
"Relax, the powers off," she jokes with a grin, rolling her eyes as Edward takes half a step toward me.
"It took me five years to learn control. Now, it's like a switch," she says, showing me her palm. Low, crackling sparks shimmer across her skin before dimming and disappearing. "You'll get there. You're determined."
I smile stiffly in response.
Five years?
I know I need to have patience like Eleazar said, but the thought of it taking long has my head spinning and my anxiety rising.
"Okay," I mutter, mostly to myself. "One more time."
Eleazar and Kate nod, taking a step back toward Edward and Carlisle.
Shaking out my arms and squaring my shoulders, I give them a single nod, letting them know I'm ready to go.
Allowing my eyes to drift closed, I listen for Kate's instructions.
"Picture your shield in your mind, how it looks, what texture it is, what color. Focus on that and nothing more. You control it, Bella; it does not control you. We'll come toward you when you're ready and see if you can keep us out."
Blowing out a breath, I focus on my shield, willing my mind to see it. I push out everything else around me; sounds, feelings, and errant thoughts, only allowing the thoughts of my shield to remain in place.
I picture it perfectly, wrapped around me, shimmery in golden and silver, etched into me like a second skin. I concentrate on the color, feeling the elastic ripple over me as I command it outward, pushing it from my body.
It slowly stretches out, the strength of it astounding me. I would have thought it would have been easy, considering how easily it moved and bent to my will when I was out of control.
Now that I actually want it to move, it's resisting me … but why?
I concentrate harder, willing it out further, but before I can move it five feet from me, the resistance gets to be too much, and it snaps back into place, causing me to stumble backward.
"Son of a bitch!" I snarl, quickly righting myself.
Kate, Eleazar, and Carlisle exchange a look while Edward nods at whatever they're thinking.
"You're not wrong," he murmurs, keeping an eye on me.
"What? Who isn't wrong about what?"
Edward frowns at my frustrated expression, shaking his head once. "For another time, Bella. Your eyes are dark."
"I'm fine," I insist. "I hunted the other day, remember? Besides, I'd like to get a slight grip on this. Now, who isn't wrong about what?"
Expectantly, I look at each of them, waiting for someone to speak.
Luckily, I don't have to wait long.
"You're straining, Bella. It needs to be natural, like walking."
"But you said—"
"I know, but you're trying too hard. It shouldn't be that difficult. There's something else going on with you that's making it difficult. I—well, we—" Kate says, waving toward the others standing next to her. "Think you're holding something back, and that's why your shield isn't working right, or, in this case, it is working right. What is it?"
I stand there, shocked at her words. How did she come to that conclusion?
The only reason why I wanted to do this was to get in control of my gift, so I didn't lose control and get lost inside my head or hurt someone.
But will that happen if I'm merely practicing?
I fear it might.
Maybe that's why it's been so difficult.
"I don't want anything to happen to anyone," I admit.
Kate smiles reassuringly. "It won't. Your shield won't make you go crazy."
"But—"
"Kate is right," Eleazar says with a nod. "It's not your shield that provokes your temper. Regarding what happened—vampires are territorial creatures, Bella. Being too close to another vampire while hunting isn't ideal, especially if they're newborns. Don't worry so much, dear. Nothing will happen like that."
"What if I go inside my head again?"
Eleazar and Carlisle exchange a look before returning their gazes to me, but it's Edward who speaks.
He steps toward me, looking into my eyes with an intense, unblinking stare that both slightly unsettles me and reassures me. One of his hands cups my cheek, his thumb brushing the sensitive skin underneath my eye.
"We'll talk you through it. That's why we're doing this, baby. So it doesn't happen again."
I huff at his correct logic, sneering when he gives me a gloating grin. "We all have to be right once in our lives. I guess that one was yours."
"I have plenty of times when I'm right. You're just too stubborn to see it."
"I will neither agree nor disagree."
"Uh-huh," he replies with a chuckle.
He starts to step back, but I grasp his hand tightly. "Thank you, Edward."
His responding smile is small but genuine before he presses a lingering kiss on my lips. "You're welcome, my stubborn one."
I smirk, not going to be ashamed of that title, before pulling back and looking at the others. "Okay, let's try once more. I'll try to push past my worries and focus on loosening up."
"You've been at this for hours, baby girl. I think that's enough for today," my mother calls from the large porch where she, Esme, and Carmen are standing, the latter lighting a fire in the pit near their feet.
Briefly, my mother closes her eyes as the feeling hits her before opening them again.
"Bella, go hunt, decompress, and come back, okay?"
I start to argue, not wanting to stop until I at least learn how to control even a small part of my shield, but my throat flares and tightens, and I can feel my irritation rising. Working on my shield has drained me, and I do feel the need for some peace and quiet, as well as something good to eat so I can lower the agitation I feel toward myself.
"Okay. I'll go for a quick hunt."
"No arguments?" Edward asks, surprised. "It must be cold in hell."
I snort. "I'm feeling tense. I figure it's better to be relaxed and somewhat calm while I try to get this figured out, as everyone said."
A playful and suggestive look crosses Edward's features. "I can think of a way—"
Before he can finish, I throw up a hand to stop him from saying anything further. "No! Keep it to yourself, perv. Go dive in a snowbank and cool off … and get better timing, okay?"
Kate cackles, her laughter echoed by the others from the house. Edward rolls his eyes but doesn't look offended or upset. He merely shrugs and shoots me a wink, not at all bothered by the amusement at his expense.
Mom giggles as well, shaking her head at us. "You should be glad her father's not here, Edward. Although he and I were pretty daring in that department when we were younger, so he can't say much. One time at a picnic, we snuck behind a tree and—"
"Mom," I playfully whine. "Please. No."
"Honestly, Bella. You're in a relationship now … you've had sex with your boyfriend. You should know—"
"How do you know? Which one of you blabbed?" I ask before throwing my hands up. "You know what? Nope. Never mind. Don't want to know, don't need to know. But whoever spilled the beans, just know that I'll get you. Now Mom, just stop, okay? No sex stories from the parents, all right? Unless you want me to call Gran and get her to tell you some? Or I can share my own?"
Mom immediately shakes her head. "No, that's okay." She sighs, shaking her head. "You and your logic."
I laugh lightly. "Yeah, yeah. I'm going now."
"Hurry back, Bella. It's almost time for you to talk to your cousins."
A dull throbbing emits in my chest, where my now still and silent heart rests, accompanied by an intense feeling of sorrow. My eyes burn with the threat of tears, but my vision never blurs, and the tears never fall.
Another wonderful addition to being a vampire.
I'm not sure where this feeling is coming from; it's Rose and Jasper. It's my Dad. I know they miss me just as much as I miss them. I wish I could do more than a video call with them, but that's not possible at the moment.
A video call is the next best thing to being with them … for now.
"Sure," I mutter, forcing a smile at the group with a heavy dip of my head. I don't want anyone to see the indecision and apprehension on my face.
I should have known Edward wouldn't be so easily swayed. He nudges my arm with his elbow, continuing to lightly push at me until I look up from the ground, annoyed and irritated.
"What?" I mouth, being mindful of our audience.
A single shoulder bumps upward in response as he jerks a chin toward me as his eyebrows raise in expectation, as if to say, "you tell me."
I scowl, rolling my eyes at his behavior and looking toward the three sets of eyes watching the interaction with rapt attention.
"I'll see you all later, and then we'll continue after my call?" I question, wondering what the process for this shield training is.
Hopefully, we won't take a break for the rest of the night; I'd like to continue practicing. Maybe I can at least get the hang of this and have somewhere to start for tomorrow.
When they exchange a glance, I know my answer.
"You really should rest for the evening," Carlisle suggests, setting a hand on my shoulder. He squeezes once, searching my face for something.
"Just hug her, Carlisle," Edward says, his lips twitching in amusement. "She won't take offense."
Carlisle's chin dips down to his chest, and I imagine he would be blushing if he was capable. "I didn't want to assume, son."
"Aw," I say, pulling my second father in for a hug. The air leaves him in a whoosh, making everyone around giggle. "I'll always go for a hug from you. From Edward? He's iffy. I like you better."
A chortle of surprised laughter leaves him while Edward playfully scowls.
"Well," Carlisle starts, covering his mouth as he clears his throat, no doubt trying to hide his smile. "I tried my best with him, but he's stubborn. That's why you two are so perfect together."
"I thought it was because I'm the only one that calls him out on his BS?"
"That too."
Once more, there's laughter as everyone trails off into the house. Carlisle returns my hug, squeezing tightly. It reminds me so much of my father that it makes my throat seize and my eyes burn once more.
"I know it doesn't feel like it, but you're doing great, Bella. You recognized and acknowledged your fear. That's a good step, and I have no doubt you'll master your gifts. Of course, we'll all help you in any way we can. You're a strong young woman, Bella. You can do this," he whispers lowly. "You have so many people in your corner supporting you."
I find myself clearing my throat into his shoulder before pulling back. "Thanks."
Carlisle gives me a small, understanding smile. "And welcome to the family, daughter. You're a good match for Edward, and Esme and I are lucky to have you in our family."
Esme blurs to his side, wrapping an arm around his waist and nodding in agreement. "I'm glad I have another daughter. We need to outrank the men," she says with a wink.
A garbled laugh leaves me, and I wince immediately against the sound, clearing my throat in an effort to make it go away.
"We'll work on it," I tell her, taking a step back. "I guess I'll go now. See you later."
They bid me goodbye with a wave before heading into the house, their movements slow and graceful—almost as if they're gliding along the top of the snow rather than walking on it. Their lithe movements capture my attention completely, leaving me in awe of the way they move.
Do I look this graceful and ethereal when I walk?
I can't see myself moving that way; I still picture myself tromping around, my footsteps heavy and sluggish, like the awkward, sarcastic teenager I am.
"Ready?" Edward asks, his head tilted toward the mass cluster of trees on the edge of the property. One hand is extended in invitation toward me, his feet aimed forward, and his right knee slightly bent as he readies himself to race away.
"You're going with me? Personal space, dude," I tease.
A single shoulder jerks upward. "I could use a hunt too. I won't be too far, but I won't be close either."
"Afraid of me kicking your ass again?"
From inside the house, Emmett laughs. "Kick his ass, Bella! I dare you!"
"Don't encourage her," Mom scolds. "Bella, time is moving, and you're not. Go hunt."
I repress a sigh and nod to Edward before following him into the trees. Dead leaves swirl around our feet as we run, swirling in the air before falling back to the ground. Small animals scurry away, their feet scraping against the leaves and twigs on the ground, along with the distinct sound of scratching wood as they run up trees.
My throat flares as my hearing picks up on the furious roar of their hearts, as well as the fear pounding through their blood. They smell delicious, but they're too small, and it wouldn't be satisfying at all.
"If you prefer to hunt alone, I can go back to the house," Edward says after a moment.
"It's okay. I don't mind too much. I'll tell you to shut up and go away if I need to."
He snorts a laugh, shaking his head. "I feel so wanted and cared for."
"Good, I'm glad."
Rolling his eyes, he nods toward someone on the left. "Come on; a little further ahead is where the big game is."
Wordlessly, I follow after him, and we both come to a stop in a small misshapen circle void of trees. Edward's eyes immediately close as he takes in a deep breath, and I follow his example, angling my back slightly away from him.
Taking a deep breath, I allow the heady smell of damp earth, decaying leaves, and the rich scent of pine to invade my senses. I smell no animals, which isn't unusual, considering our presence, but I still keep trying, this time hearing my surroundings.
There's a light plop of something hitting a soft surface, along with the strong scent of rain. Distantly, there's a low rumble of thunder as the moisture in the air gets heavier. Somewhere nearby, there's a faint trickle of water as it passes over rocks, and it's underneath the soothing sound that I hear it.
A heartbeat.
The wet sloshing of a heart and the careful dragging footsteps of an animal as it slowly meanders its way toward the source of the trickling.
My eyes pop open as I take off, my focus intent on the sound of the heart. I'm even more surprised and intrigued by another slower and calmer heartbeat underneath the first; it's as if the second heartbeat isn't scared or apprehensive.
They seem to be completely unaware of the danger the first animal is sensing.
As the sounds get louder, I clearly make out two different, unique scents.
One is an earthy scent of wet leaves on a crisp fall day, mixed with a slightly sweet aroma of a ripe flower. It's an enticing smell, but it's nowhere near as fragrant as the other.
The second scent is a heavily rich, meaty smell, like a steak cooked on the grill, with the same sweetness as the first, but it reminds me more of a fragrant melon than a flower. My mouth waters as the scents invade my nostrils, swirling around my head temptingly.
I push myself faster, a low grunting growl puffing through my lips as I track the scents to a small cliff. Slowing my movements, so I'm not heard, I crawl onto all fours, my fingers and toes digging into the earth to camouflage my sound.
Creeping up to the edge of the cliff, I peer over the side with unblinking eyes and a clenched jaw. Immediately locking on the deer standing along the riverbank, its ears twitching and breath coming out in bursts as it looks around nervously.
For a brief moment, it looks up at me, and I inhale sharply, smelling the musky earthiness, as well as the sweet floral scent it gives off. Digging my fingers into the rocks underneath me just as easily as if they were dirt, I rock backward slightly, my legs coiled and prepared to shoot myself forward.
It's the not scent I had picked up earlier, but the heat in my throat doesn't care.
All I want is to take and consume.
Just before I can propel myself into view, I notice something moving across the way, slinking forward with unblinking eyes and precise steps. Its sleek tan body inching ahead with all the grace of a vampire on a tree branch halfway up a tree.
Its eyes are unblinking as it creeps toward the edge, the muscles in its hind legs taut as it prepares to shoot off at the deer.
The heavy musky scent of sweetness and richness fills my senses, and without taking a moment to think, I shoot off the side of the cliff. The wind whistles in my ears as I soar through the air, arms outstretched and teeth bared in a snarl at the startled animal, its eyes wide and jaw opening as if it's going to say something before I knock it down to the ground.
From the corner of my eye, I'm vaguely aware of the deer running away, a low, frightened snort leaving it as it does so.
The mountain lion staggers, a slight limp in its step as it backs away from me, but it doesn't go far.
It's afraid; I can tell that much.
The mountain lion's heartbeat is too erratic, and the scent of its blood is more potent and saturated with adrenaline that makes its blood smell stronger
Carefully watching the animal and swallowing the venom flooding my mouth, I follow its movements as it gives me a wide berth, a low growl of warning bubbling from its chest. Slowly, it walks in a small semi-circle, no doubt looking for the best angle of attack.
I smirk, taking half a step forward. The animal's ears fall flat against its skull, rearing back slightly as it swipes a paw in my direction, its growling loud and echoing off the trees.
Leaping forward, I tackle it to the ground, hearing fabric rip as it claws at me, sounds of anger and desperation retching from it. Not wanting it to suffer, I rear its head to the side, and once it falls limp in my arms, I dive down, my teeth slicing through the fur and sinew like paper.
Taking heavy pulls from the animal, my eyes roll back in my head as the flavor bursts on my tongue and saturates my burning throat, momentarily quelling the ache there. The warm liquid slowly escapes the side of my mouth, but I suction my lips harder, not wanting any drops to go to waste.
When there's nothing left, I sit back with a satisfied sigh, feeling full.
My eyes close, warmth radiating from inside out, and I bask in the feeling, wanting to prolong the tranquility and peace for as long as possible.
The sound of light and quick footsteps interrupts my moment of stillness, and I scowl, wishing whoever was making this noise would stop and stay away for just a little bit longer. As soon as I think it, I feel something from within my head gently pop, as if a soap bubble had burst, and to my surprise, I hear the footsteps immediately stop with a low gasping breath of surprise.
"Bella?" Edward calls, his voice low, tinged with curiosity and confusion.
Jumping up, I follow his scent, finding him rooted in place, looking equal parts amused and irritated as he tries to step forward, but his leg will only rise half a foot off the ground before it slams back down.
I smother a laugh because he looks like a petulant child stomping his foot because he didn't get his way.
"I take it you're causing this?"
I shrug, scratching my head. "I … don't know. Maybe? I was feeling calm and wanted to remain in the moment for a little longer."
He stares at me, his features unreadable, before he sighs. "I think part of this is tied to want," he says.
"How so?"
"Your shield is obeying your wants, Bella. Before, you didn't want me to comfort you when you were upset, and I couldn't. You wanted more time in silence, and I stopped being able to move."
"So … it's like mind control?"
"Kind of, but not really. It's your shield, working as an invisible lackey. Too bad you didn't want me naked," he teases with a snicker.
Rolling my eyes, I decide to test his theory, wanting nothing more than to flick at his forehead for his one-track mind. I picture it in my head, a silvery-golden strand of my shield reaching up and flicking at his forehead, but he shows no reaction to what I'm imagining.
Instead, he tries to lift his feet in a vain effort to move but grunts in frustration when he can't. "We need to get this under control. Can you release it?"
His question jolts me from my thoughts, and I breathe deeply, picturing him walking toward me. I cycle this image over and over in my head, but he still can't move.
A frustrated growl erupts from my chest, and Edward gives me a small smile. "Relax, tiger. You have to have some patience."
"You have some patience," I muttered, wishing he couldn't hear me so well now.
But he does.
"Mature, Miss Swan."
Showing him just how mature I am, I flip him off, and instead of focusing on what I want to happen, I don't focus on anything at all.
Taking a deep breath, I allow my mind to empty, not thinking or seeing anything. I simply listen to the gentle whistling of the wind through the trees, the soft sighs of snow as it falls onto the ground, and the trickle of water as it drifts over the rocks. In the distance, there's a flutter of activity as animals race along the tree trunks, their feet scratching at the rough bark.
My muscles fall lax, and I feel almost lethargic and sleepy.
A part of me yearns for the soft familiarity of my bed, of the wonderful promise of quietness that sleep provides, but that's not possible for me anymore.
A sharp stinging burn emits from my chest, shooting up to my eyes, and I squeeze them tighter, willing back the tears that I belatedly realize won't ever come.
Good.
Taking a deep breath, I push the feeling away and reach for the calmness I had before, focusing on the sounds of nature around me and the soft inhales and exhales coming from Edward.
Once I have that feeling of weightless lethargy back, I see the current scene in my head playing out. I try to will it away, wanting to focus on the peaceful nothingness I had, but the more I try to not think about it, the more it stays.
A sliver of frustration builds within me, but at the same time, there's a feeling of rightness, too, as if this is what is supposed to happen … something that should happen.
Instead of fighting it, I focus on what I'm visualizing. I'm standing in front of an immobile Edward, a shimmering web around his knees and feet. The threads of this web dance upward as if it's made up of tiny hands, reaching, asking to be held. Every time they do this, the web inches higher up his legs.
A thin rope made of the same silvery golden web extends from him to me, tethering us together, swaying with no discernable pattern or reason. When I take a step backward, it lengthens, stretching between us.
Surprised, I open my eyes, and to my wonderment, I see exactly what I had envisioned, though it's not as vibrant. It's there, though, glittering faintly among the partially snow-covered ground as the sun sinks into the sky, its beams of light filtering through the tree branches and the open space above us.
"Wicked cool," I mutter, stepping from side to side, watching as it twists and turns, easily keeping up with my movements.
Idly, I wonder what would happen if I ran away, putting as much distance between us as I could.
Would that 'rope' break? Would that free Edward, or would it simply keep him tethered to me, and he'd come flying through the air after me?
The image of dragging Edward after me, makes me snicker, and while the thought is entertaining, I don't want to do that to him. I know he can't get hurt, and that takes some of the unease away. However, I don't want him chained to me for long.
I'm sure he feels the same.
"What is so wicked cool?" he asks, his distaste for my amusement evident.
I click my tongue against the roof of my mouth. "You're seventeen, Edward. You need to stop sounding like an old man."
He rolls his eyes. "Whatever."
"There you go," I tease. "A little petulant and bratty, but that's just you. We'll fix it later."
"Are you going to answer my question?"
I smirk, wanting to tease him more about his tension and apparent attitude problems, but I refrain for now.
"I can see it, sort of," I reply, tilting my head to find the shimmering web around him once more. It seems that once I don't focus on it or look for it, it vanishes from sight. "It's … a silvery gold. Like a bubble or a web. It's around your legs."
"Thanks for the clarification," he sarcastically drawls. "I couldn't tell. It's not as if I can feel it or anything."
"You'd think getting laid would loosen you up, smartass."
"Maybe the second time is the charm," he innocently states with a shrug.
Snorting a laugh, I shake a finger in his direction. "In your dreams, Cullen. Keep wishing for it, though. Maybe it'll come true in a thousand years or so."
"So there is a timeframe?"
"It could be longer," I counter, raising an eyebrow and crossing my arms over my chest.
"As if you could—" he starts to mumble but quickly stops himself, realizing I can hear him.
He sighs, focusing down at his legs, his eyebrows furrowed. He tries to lift his right leg, but it's stomped back down, his foot embedded into the earth. If I couldn't see my shield wrapped around him, I would swear he's throwing a fit.
"I can't see anything," he tells me. "It's like when you were hunting and held us down. I can feel it; it's constricting and oppressive, but manageable for now."
I hear the underlying message in his words; if I'm not careful, my shield could hurt someone if I let it.
It could hurt him if I wanted it to.
A part of me is kind of excited and thrilled at the idea. How many times had I joked with Jasper about being having a kick-ass mutant power to use against my enemies?
On the other hand, now that I apparently had it, I'm slightly terrified. I don't want to hurt anyone, especially someone I love.
I suppose it's all about balance and control … something I want to learn quickly.
I don't want to be stuck in this repetitive cycle of frustration and annoyance, scared of my own gifts and what I can do.
The best thing to do is let go of my fear—because, as my father has told me, it'll get me nowhere except trapped somewhere I don't want to be. With that, also comes the learning of control because I know that's something I definitely need.
I never really mastered my anger as a human, but now I'm even more dangerous, so that's something I need to get a grip on quickly.
Maybe Mom can help me with that.
Resolved with my decision, I push my fears and apprehension to the side, and I start concentrating on the shimmering link between Edward and me. It glows brighter under my watchful eye, like a narcissist wanting attention.
Taking a deep breath, I allow myself to be calm and at ease, pushing back the thoughts of everything that can go wrong. Despite Edward being a pain in the ass most of the time, I care deeply for him, and the thought of something hurting him … especially me, makes me angry and afraid and determined all at once.
It reminds me of how I've felt when I've inadvertently hurt one of my cousins or came close to it. It's a feeling of guilt and pain, knowing they're hurt or about to be due to my actions … but with Edward in their place, that feeling is a thousand times stronger and fiercer.
Determined not to let this situation worsen, I focus on the shield around Edward, silently commanding it back to me. To my surprise, it does.
It comes racing back at me so fast that Edward staggers forward, stumbling a few steps before righting himself, his eyes wide and his lips parted in surprise.
Gleeful at the fact that it didn't take me several minutes or hours to accomplish this feat, I grin broadly, my satisfaction turning into amusement as my brain finally comprehends what happened to Edward and his shocked expression.
"Walk much, klutz?"
Instead of taking the bait, he continues to stare at me with wide eyes. "Bella … you retracted your shield fast."
"What can I say? I'm just awesome."
"What happened?" he questions, taking a step toward me. "What did you do?"
His gaze is intense and focused, looking so much like his father's when they've been studying my shield. It's intellectual and curious, with a touch of anticipation and enthusiasm.
I suppose when you're immortal, you look for new things to learn or study all the time.
I guess that's me right now.
Shrugging a shoulder, I shift from side to side, my feet forming small trenches in the dirt.
"I didn't want you to get hurt; you said it was confining. And I realized that I have the potential to cause real harm, and I didn't want that to happen to other people," I rush out, hoping what I said doesn't go to his head.
One corner of his lips lifts slightly, but he doesn't say anything about my confession. His gaze softens as he steps in front of me, pulling me into his chest.
"You've been through a lot since your transformation; the accident, your gift protecting you from the pain of the change. You don't have to be afraid anymore."
I pull back, scoffing and flicking at his forehead. "I'm not afraid. I wasn't afraid."
"Bella," he says seriously, no traces of amusement or irritation anywhere on his face or in his voice. "No one is immune to the pain of the change, even those expecting it. It's brutal and horrific, as you know. And for the events leading up to it … well, you were attacked. That's enough to severely traumatize anyone."
"I'm—"
"Baby," he interrupts, placing a hand over my mouth. "You're a stubborn creature. A severe pain in the ass, set in her ways creature." He ignores my snarl, continuing as if I hadn't done a thing. If I wanted to, I'm pretty sure I could bite him or send him flying away from me, but I refrain.
Barely.
If he's talking about being a pain in the ass, he should look in the mirror.
"I'm fine," I mumble behind his hand, jerking my head back. "I'm a product of my parents. I'm strong."
I think of my father's resilience to everything that happened; from my mother becoming a vampire and how he carried himself after she was changed. Sure, he struggled at first, but he pulled through and kept his head high.
And as for my mother, she handled her transformation into her new life with ease and grace, picking it up as if it was second nature. If she can do this, then so can I.
"There's no doubt that you're strong, Bella. You're the strongest person I know. However, you were violently ripped from your human life, from your family and everything you knew, and thrust into a world where everything is different. You're struggling, and you're apprehensive. It's okay; I'll help you, and so will my family and yours."
My chest throbs at the mention of my family.
Sure, they'll be supportive from a safe distance, but they won't physically be here for me. It's impossible for them right now.
But at least I can still see them and have them in my life. I'm sure for people who were turned, they don't have that luxury either because they can't fully remember their human lives like Arthur, or their human family can't know about vampires.
I'm lucky in that respect and very grateful.
Still, it doesn't make missing them any easier.
"Every person is different, Bella. You still need to adjust to everything you've been through. If you're not going to talk to me, talk to your mom. She still struggles with her new life," Edward tells me, correctly interpreting my thoughts. "She just doesn't want to show you, so you don't panic."
I'm baffled at this, wondering if she would do such a thing. It would be easier for me to know that it's not that easy, and there will be setbacks.
"Why?"
A shoulder jerks upward in an awkward response that tells me he knows, but he doesn't want to say.
My eyes narrow, and I poke him in the shoulder repeatedly.
"Ow!" He hisses, pulling away from me. "Knock it off, demon."
"Tell me what you know, and I'll stop," I counter, continuing my assault.
"What are you? Four? I don't know anything."
"That might be true, but you know something about my mother, and I want to know what it is."
"Fine!" He grabs my hand and yanks me forward into his chest. "She hasn't kept this just from you. She's kept this from all of you. The only people who know about her struggles are my parents, and they're helping her. She doesn't want any of you to worry. She … she has amazing control with her bloodlust, but at times it got to be too much for her being in the same house with all of you. She didn't have the urge to attack you, which was astounding, but she thought about it. A lot … and the burning in her throat didn't help. She didn't trust herself to be completely alone with any of you, so we were always close by, just in case. Plus, she didn't know how to grasp things without breaking them. She was afraid she'd hurt one of you."
I'm confused by his admission; my mother is the type of person to always be honest and upfront about everything that's going on within the family. She always said honesty was the best because the more that people knew, the more solutions could be found.
So why wouldn't she tell us this?
Before I can ponder it for too long, I know the answer.
Because it's not something we could have helped her with.
We didn't know too much about vampires and what they go through. Hell, I don't even have a firm grasp on it yet, and I am a vampire.
With my brain always on and running, it just gives me more time to let my anxiety gallop about, thinking of what could happen if I lost control.
"Oh," I finally say. "But her control is okay now, though? Your parents are helping her?"
"Yes, they're helping her. My mother, especially. Don't you remember when we were all at your house?"
Vaguely I remember seeing the Cullen clan in my kitchen. I remember how odd it felt seeing them sitting at my table like they didn't truly belong where we ate. I remember being pissed that Edward was there too, invading my space with his presence, though I secretly liked it.
Not that he'd ever know.
I recall Esme watching my mother carefully as she moved around and interacted with us. I had known something was off then, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I guess now I know.
"Kind of. I just remember you being there, stalker. Everywhere I turned, there you were."
He rolls his eyes, shaking his head. "Are you going to talk to her or not?"
"Not unless she brings it up. There's a reason she hasn't told me, and I think it's because she wants to get a grip on it before she can help me. That might be why she's letting your parents and the Denali's be so active with me," I tell him.
I hadn't realized it, but it's true. The only time she steps in is when she knows I'm about to explode or I'm getting attitude. Every other time, the advice to control my new vampire instincts and abilities has come from someone else.
"You're not wrong," he admits. "Just promise me you'll talk to someone when you need to, okay?"
"You don't want it to be you?"
"I'd love for it to be me, but I'm not the only one who cares about you. If you want to talk to me, I won't turn you away, but I know how you are. You're independent, and you'll try it on your own, or you'll ask a parent. As long as you're getting help and support from someone in our family, I don't care where it comes from."
"Aw, you're changing," I tease, reaching to pinch his cheek. "Where's my brooding emo stalker I'm so fond of?"
He bats my hand away. "He's still in here … and I knew you liked me even then."
I scoff, waving a hand through the air dismissively. "Please. You have no idea whether I liked you or not."
"I could hear your heart," he admits, leaning close until his face is an inch away. "It raced and thundered whenever I was near."
Breathing a laugh, I place my hand on his cheek. "Oh, baby. That was me being pissed off because I had to see your face."
Pulling back with a scowl, he starts to walk off. "You know, I don't have to put up with this abuse."
Running after him, I jump on his back, and he laughs as he hooks his arms under my knees, holding me tighter against him.
"Aw, don't pout," I whisper in his ear, trailing my lips to his cheek. "You're my favorite to torment."
At the last second, he turns his head, so his lips meet mine in a quick peck. "Well, what a pair we are, then. You're my favorite tormenter and perpetual thorn in my side."
"Careful; people might think you actually have a heart with all these compliments and carrying me around like this."
"Can't have that," he replies, faking a heavy sigh. He loosens his hands, making a big show of him dropping me.
I squeal and hold on to him tighter with my arms and legs, and he makes a choking sound, pretending to pry my arms away from his neck.
For a moment, I'm worried I might actually be choking him, but then I remember we're both dead, and that would be impossible.
"You're such a bastard, you know that?"
He laughs, hooking his arms underneath my legs again as he starts to walk. "No, let me go. If you weren't dead, I swear I'd make you that way."
"Yeah, right," he says with a scoff. "You like me too much. In fact, I think it might go deeper than that."
The knowing look he gives me sends me reeling.
A few days ago, I had inadvertently used the "L" word when we were teasing him. I wanted to lie and say it was a slip of the tongue or it was regarding Alice, but as soon as the word came from my lips, I realized how true it had become.
I hadn't realized he picked up on it since he didn't say a word, but I should have known better.
I also hadn't really realized how my feelings had changed. Somehow, someway, I began to love him, and it was natural and easy as living … and becoming a vampire.
"I don't know what you're talking about," I reply easily, shrugging my shoulders in feigned nonchalance.
He laughs, the sound of it vibrating from his body into mine. I press myself a little close, enjoying the feeling.
"Sure, you don't. But I know the truth."
"Which is?" I challenge.
"You love me," he tells me with a confident and cocky smirk.
The sight of it makes me huff. "So? You love me too!"
Before I see it coming, he drops me from his back and stands in front of me, his hands framing my face. "I really do."
Warmth spreads from my head down to my toes, tingling my body from the inside out. I feel excited and giddy, almost like I had just discovered I had gotten what I wanted for Christmas.
"I love you," I tell him more confidently.
The words feel right and sure as they ease from my lips as if I had been saying them my whole life. There's no hesitation or apprehension anywhere within me, just a sure feeling of rightness.
I hope I'm not smiling like a lunatic, but I don't really care at this moment because he's smiling brightly and looking a little misty-eyed, if that were possible.
"I love you, too."
Firmly, his lips press against mine, and he takes turns switching between my top and bottom lip before slowly pulling back.
"We should get going. Unless you want to tell me how much you love me and why?" he says with a smirk.
"And you ruined it," I joke, jumping on his back again. I lean my head against his, my arms wrapped around his neck. "And it's times like that, that my love is dependent on the hour. Or, in this case, the minute."
Patting my thigh, he shoots me a grin over his shoulder. "Same for me, baby."
I snort a laugh, poking his cheek. "You can't change your answer."
"Sure I can. Because you do the same thing."
"It's that or kiss you to shut you up, and I'm still hungry now, so you're outta luck."
"We can always grab a quick bite, and I can do something else stupid and ruin the moment so you'll kiss me longer," he cheekily says.
"Why longer? Because it leads to sex?"
"Not always," he says, exuding false innocence. "But see where your mind goes?"
Playfully, I push his head to the side and flick his temple. "Uh-huh."
"Admitting I'm right is the first step, congratulations," he teases before his expression turns semi-serious. "I'll take you somewhere to find something else to eat, okay? Then we'll go back to the house."
There's a spark in his eye, telling me he's excited about something, and I have to know what it is.
"What's that look about?"
"I'm eager to tell everyone what happened."
My legs kick out, and I start pulling on a thread on his shirt, a mixture of apprehension and anticipation shooting through me. I can feel the walls beginning to brick back up, my mind conjuring images of everything wrong that already happened and everything that still can go wrong.
Jeez, have I always been this negative and cynical? Or scared?
The answer comes just as quickly as the questions; I'm sure there's a part of me that's been cynical about everything, but never to this extreme. Mostly, I think the reason for all these negative feelings is because this is all so new to me, and I'm definitely out of my element.
I'm sure if I were at home, I wouldn't have so many issues, but I know it's not a possibility right now.
Maybe Edward was right about me not liking change.
I just need to get over it and fast. That's what life is, isn't it? A series of changes each day? Whether something out of the ordinary happens or you meet someone new, something changes, even if it's small, like deciding to get an iced coffee instead of a hot one.
Not that I can do either … still, I wonder what it would taste like.
Edward doesn't seem to like the smell of human food, but he doesn't really like much except music, reading, and me. I'm sure there are other things thrown in there too, but there's plenty of time to discover that later.
"Bella?" Edward sing-songs, jostling me up and down. "Are you still with me?"
He doesn't bother to hide his amusement at the fact that I got lost in my thoughts, but it's not my fault … when my mind goes a thousand different directions at once, I think anyone would be lost.
Bringing a hand up from his neck, I brandish my finger in front of his face. "Get bent, Edward. It's hard having a vampire attention span pulling you in different directions."
"It's hard for you to have a brain, I get it."
"I doubt it since it's obvious you don't have one."
"Why do you always have to fight with me?"
"Why do you always have to start one?"
He shoots me a cheeky grin over his shoulder. "Because I love pissing you off. You get a spark in your eye, and your face turns all dangerous looking. It's exciting for me."
"Well, if you're looking for a different kind of excitement, then you'll never get it. Pissing me off isn't the key to that door."
"Angry sex is the best kind."
"Like you'd know."
"I'd like to."
"Not today."
"But someday?" he asks, hopeful.
I ignore him and change the subject. "It's going to take me a good minute to get used to everything. I haven't been a vampire very long, you know. Between my heightened senses and this gift of mine … it's a challenge."
"Your senses will take some adjusting, but I think your gift will be easy for the most part," Edward tells me as he takes off into the trees in search of our next meal.
"How do you know?"
"You did it once without problems. You recognized what was holding you back, and you let it go. There will be some … hiccups, but it'll pass. You're a strong person who can overcome anything."
"You're right. I am pretty awesome."
Lightly, he chuckles and comes to a stop in a heavily packed section of trees. He releases me from his back, and I jump down, but Edward places his hands on my shoulders to hold me in place before I can do anything else.
"I know you can do this, Bella. I'll help, and my family will help you."
I don't have the utmost confidence in myself; it'll take time for me to overcome old habits, but I know I can do this. I just have to remember to ask for help, be calm, and not be so apprehensive. It'll be easier said than done, but I have a solid support system behind me, both in person and back in Forks.
"Thanks. Now, let's get this done so we can go back and tell everyone."
"You don't like spending time with me?" he asks with a fake pout.
"You're okay … in small doses."
His head drops back, and he stares at the sky, his Adam's apple bobbing as he swallows. For some reason, this sight is enthralling to me, and I can't help staring at his neck and the sharp line of his jaw.
"Why am I being tortured?" he mutters, breaking me from my thoughts.
"You like it," I tell him, poking at the side of his neck.
He jerks away, grabbing my hand and holding it to his chest. "No, I love it. Almost as much as I love you."
"Corny, Edward."
He fakes a scowl, releasing my hand. "Fine, let's get this over with. You think you're done with me? Pfft. I'm done with you."
I laugh, the sound echoing off the trees, and start walking away from him so I don't smell his scent when I'm looking for my next meal.
He's way too distracting.
Before I can take five steps, Edward wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me tightly to his chest, his lips against the shell of my ear.
"I'll never be done with you."
Leaning back into his embrace, I wrap my arms around his. "You better not be. I know where you live, and I'll figure out how to find you."
Dramatically, he shivers. "You're terrifying … and I love it."
"Ditto. Now, stop distracting me, and let's eat!"
"Are you going to be this demanding and stubborn the rest of eternity?" he asks, stepping back, folding his arms over his chest, his face set in stone.
"Yup."
He smirks, one side of his lips lifting higher than the other.
"Good."
I hope you enjoyed the chapter!
Until next time, friends! Stay safe!