Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece; that belongs to Eiichiro Oda.

A/N: I hope you enjoy this and thank you for all the love for this story so far! I hope you enjoyed Ace's Perspective last chapter too but we're back to Sabo's for a while and uhh...

WARNING: Dissociation, self-harm, past death, trauma.

Also, is it suicide ideation if you're happy, wanting and kind of thankful for your past death? Either way, Sabo is not in a good headspace and it will be shown.

Behold! More Luffy!

Nothing felt real.

That wasn't to say Sabo wasn't aware of what was happening. It was more as if everything was happening on a screen, and they were watching that. Like she had done in her life with these same people. Sabo knew they were sitting just outside the door to the Party's Bar. They knew there were three people near them, although none of them was setting off any alarms.

They could see Ace and the wrong-wrong-wrong expression on his face. They could taste the blood in their mouth. They could smell the food, mostly properly cooked meat, inside the bar. They could hear Ace speaking and a woman's voice a little farther off.

But Sabo could only feel pain.

It wasn't physical pain, although it was there too. That was easy to ignore. Nothing had yet compared to having her organs, limbs and spine get dissolved by stomach acid. And it kept happening, again and again and again, every month now-

No, what they felt was a deep searing soul pain. Emotional torment. It kept getting worse too. Ace's face, twisted in distress, hurt. Seeing him smiling with Luffy hurt. The fact that that hurt made it hurt even worse because he looked happy and why were they hurt about it? They were happy he was happy, they wanted him to be happy, but it still hurt.

Why?! Why did it hurt that Ace was happy?

...

Oh, Sabo's an idiot.

The realisation had them unknowingly bite down harder. Blood dripped off their lips and Ace jolted. Makino, because that dark green-haired woman couldn't be anyone else, gently stopped him. He could overpower her easily, but Ace was as weak to gentle touches as Sabo was. Even if he hid it better. It wasn't helped by the calming, motherly aura she gave off.

They said something, Ace hissing and growling like the feral jungle boy he was. Makino, on the other hand, was a bartender and Luffy's current caretaker. Sure, Sabo knew Luffy didn't get as aggressive as Ace, but he was an emotional young boy and a D all the same. Makino seemed to be handling Ace well.

But there was another person the other two had momentarily forgotten. The Birthday Boy himself and Future Pirate King, Monkey D. Luffy. He poked their cheek. There wasn't a bruise on it so it didn't hurt, the curiosity and confusion in his eyes showed no disinterest in them.

Luffy's touch didn't hurt. Wasn't at all like their slaps. The tears were inevitable.

The appearance stopped Luffy from poking their cheek again and eyes too soulful for a five-year-old stared at Sabo. It felt like he was peeling back this life and seeing her life, that's how deep it felt. Luffy must have seen something because the next second the boy wedged his way between their drawn-up knees and wrapped himself around their torso.

Luffy was small enough to be tucked under their chin.

Her memories said it wasn't a good idea to touch someone in a panic attack – what else could this be? – but evidence to the contrary, at least in this case, was right in their lap.

Sabo could feel the ache in their jaw and the throbbing in their wrist now. They coaxed their mouth open, finally connecting the taste of blood to their own, and brought the freed right arm with their already free left to hold the boy just giving away a free hug.

Sabo liked hugs. It made them feel real.

A familiar hand grabbed the hand attached to their sore wrist. Ace didn't stop them from hugging Luffy back but it was very clear he didn't trust them with their own arm.

The bite throbbed. The taste of their blood lingered on their tongue. A warm and thick substance welled from their wrist and also dripped off their chin. They caught it before it could fall onto the child in their arms. Luffy snuggled up into the hand on his head. His face no longer pressed into Sabo's neck.

"Don't hurt yourself, it's stupid." He commanded.

"Don't hurt yourself, it's unhealthy." Her brother often said.

"I don't want to," Sabo said, eyes burning with restrained tears. They looked at Ace. "Sorry."

It's not enough, it won't ever be enough. A word does not make an apology. Ace didn't accept the word, but the droop of his shoulders means he's willing to let them try to prove their sincerity. From what they could remember from her memories, there are a few steps to a proper apology.

There's acknowledgement. Admitting you were wrong and saying it aloud. There's explaining. Saying why you did what you did but it shouldn't be an excuse. There's the promise. Telling them you won't do it again. Then there is showing. Actually doing as you promised. Because it's one thing to say you won't do it again, it means more if you actually never do it again.

Ace wouldn't distrust them so much if this was a first-time occurrence. He didn't look surprised, just scared earlier. Maybe a little confused too actually. The point was that this clearly wasn't the first time Sabo had probably hurt themself. They hadn't realised they had done so but they knew how they were with pain.

Sabo's scared of themself too.

Disinfected and bandaged didn't seem to be enough. Makino had brought them into a bathroom to wash their mouth out and took the opportunity to clasp a thick leather - bracelet? No, that word was too dainty sounding. A cuff? Wasn't that something else though? – wristband thing over the bandages. It covered their entire wrist.

They wouldn't be able to bite through this.

Sabo looked up at the woman in confusion. Reality might still seem a little disjointed to them, but what they knew about it didn't line up with this gift. What they knew of Makino did suggest she'd help them and try to prevent them from getting hurt. So the gift's purpose wasn't in doubt. Even the fact that she was giving a child a gift in the first place kind of worked out.

The confusion came from the suddenness. This was their first meeting, if nothing else, she shouldn't have a solution prepared. It felt too sudden. They must have blanked out for a bit because they were being carried out to where Ace and Luffy were waiting with the remaining birthday lunch. Makino's surprisingly strong. Though barrels of rum were likely heavier than them.

It's all so… weird.

Ace dragged them into his side and Luffy came up for attention. Sabo leaned into Ace and held Luffy. They were tired. Accepting the fact that all the food will be gone and their stomach will be very cross afterwards, they closed their eyes. Maybe everything will make sense after some sleep.

Terrible first meeting with Luffy and Makino aside, they and Ace still went back to visit later. Makino was a really good cook and she was willing to teach Sabo a bit, so now they knew how to use herbs and spices properly. The two from Windmill had managed to get into Ace's good books while Sabo wasn't watching. Although Ace was very vocally against the group hugs Sabo and Luffy subjected him to.

While he struggled against the hold, he didn't throw them off so either Sabo and Luffy combined were strong enough to hold him or he was secretly letting it happen. They called upon her memories of subjecting her brothers to hugs to realise it was definitely the second. It warmed their heart to realise this.

It took a while, a couple of months to be honest, for Sabo to stop being jealous that Ace would smile at the other two. There was one instance that nearly caused a fight but Sabo managed to restrain themself for a bit longer.

Luffy had tried to follow them back into the jungle. Ace just powered through it, looking annoyed at the inconvenience. While Sabo felt like their stomach was in their throat the entire time they had to escort him back. The puppy dog eyes just made it churn with guilt and self-loathing.

Blood and others' guts were fine, but Sabo felt terrible when they could feel bile in the back of their throat. They were pretty sure saliva reduces the level of acidity of one's stomach acid, but the thought of their own guts being spilled on their lap... the nightmare came again that night. It had only been a week since the last.

They… weren't very stable afterwards. Emotionally. So they ran before Ace woke up and sieved through the Grey Terminal for treasure. Might as well be productive while on the edge of a breakdown. They did a lot. Beating up jerks, taking their valuables, and discovering some items that could be sold for a profit. They deposited their findings where they stored their treasure, noted their monetary value down in their book, and then started to return to the bandit's hut.

Except they really should have left some kind of message. Ace was furious.

They let him punch them in the face. A tooth became wobbly from the force but it didn't fall out. "What the hell, Sabo? Where the fuck were you?" He pulled them to their feet by pulling on their collar. "And why the hell did you just let me punch you?"

The last question threw them for a bit of a loop but they managed to answer it before Ace got even more violent.

"Knew I deserved it." They brought a finger up to touch the wobbly tooth. Aside from the one Ace punched out years ago, this was the first tooth they'd lose. At least more naturally. They'd very recently started to grow an adult tooth from where the other one had been punched out. They were curious as to what it felt like.

When they pulled their finger back, there was a bit of blood. There was a split lip.

"Damn fucking right you did, you piece of-." He cut himself off with a growl. "Don't let anyone hurt you, not even me. Now why the fuck did you disappear and where the fuck did you go?"

"I went to the Grey Terminal." They confessed, feeling a bit off-kilter. Again only answering the last question.

"Why?" Ace hissed, realising they were only answering one question so only asking one now.

Sabo shrugged, "Thought I might as well be productive while-." They momentarily bit their lip to stop themself. They released the lip quickly though, no need to make it bleed worse than it already is.

Ace finally let go of their collar but he grabbed their face instead. Threading fingers into their hair. If Sabo tried to get out of his grip, they'd have some of their hair pulled out. He was really stepping up the threats.

But Sabo didn't want to answer. They didn't want to reveal they had chronic nightmare memories. Specifically, they really didn't want to reveal the contents of the dreams. Didn't want to speak about them, make them more real, relive it again for the third time this month.

"Sabo." Ace's voice sounded quiet, but Sabo didn't know if that was because he wasn't speaking loudly or because the rush of blood in their ears drowned it out.

They didn't want to talk about it. Didn't want to have to relive it again. They know it'll come back, but they didn't know when anymore. Will it happen sooner or will it be later? They hated it when the nightmares changed schedules. They could never prepare themselves mentally for it before falling asleep.

A hand started going through their hair, finding knots and getting rid of them. A few strokes through their hair made them realise their eyes were closed, so they opened them. Ace looked distressed and hurt. Clueless and panicked too, something he always tried very hard to hide when he felt.

Sabo really, really didn't want to say anything. But they wanted Ace to feel those emotions even less. It didn't matter really.

"Nightmare." They admitted, Ace jolted but focused on them. "It happened again, too soon. Usually, I get a month's break, but it was just a week. I wasn't prepared."

They focused on breathing and leaned into Ace's hand. The hand in their hair returned to getting rid of knots. They didn't brush it this morning or put it up. It was probably still in a bedhead, but they guess that's what hats are for sometimes. They were both silent for a while before Ace realised it was his turn to talk.

"What was it about Sabo?" He sounded confused by his own question. He was really just uncertain about what to say. It was so damn obvious.

Sabo's eight but she was an adult. They should have enough memories to be older than Makino. But that didn't stop them from acting like a child, from being a wreck that's messed up in the head. Ace was a child too, he was actually eight but they're relying on him anyway. He shouldn't have to be their rock. They shouldn't force Ace to take care of them, to help them, to fix them.

But there's no one else.

Sabo didn't want to be broken, didn't want to be hurt, didn't want to die. They didn't want to be alone. Not again. Please not again. Please, please, please- I don't want to be alone!

"Sabo!" Ace shouted, dragging them out of the spiral. They taste leather and blood. The blood was from their already split lip but the leather was from their wrist. Ace was holding their arm and their face, not letting them try to bite something other than the cuff. There's pale flesh right next to it, either boney or soft depending on the direction. Or if not the arm there's their lips. Or their tongue. It hurts! I want it to stop, please!

Sabo's face was shoved into Ace's neck. Their jaw ached with the desire to bite down on something - a scream was building in their throat - but they couldn't hurt Ace.

"I'm dying." They said, "Over and over and over again. It's the same. Every fortnight, every week, every month and now it wants to come back every week again and I can't! I can't deal with that again. I want to stop tasting acid, want to stop watching it dissolve me, feel it burn through me. Want that person to stop saying that it was all my fault I was like that. I want them to stop watching me die when they could have saved me."

The scream's still building, even though they were talking and admitting.

"I want to stop dying, Ace. I just want the mem- the nightmare to stop coming back."

A small hand clutched their back, but Ace couldn't help. Couldn't do anything but hold them while they shattered. The scream finally broke free.

I want to stop dying. Just let me die already.

Sabo woke up the next morning. They weren't refreshed, they barely felt any better than they did yesterday. Their throat was sore. Merely breathing aggravated it. It itched, they wanted to cough, but they knew it would hurt.

They opened their eyes, they were sore too. Aching in their head, throbbing with the headache and their heartbeat. The roof of their room with the bandits was recognisable only because it was familiar. They'd stared at it in the many sleepless nights they've had in the past year and a half.

The pain they felt was purely physical. Emotionally, they were empty. Mentally, they were absent. There was only their body and it hurt everywhere.

Sabo could close their eyes, but that would involve effort. It would involve doing something. They were tired. They did nothing.

Ace came in, looked at them, and while he noticed their eyes were open, his shoulders slumped. He came over and started taking care of their hair anyway. It wasn't silent, he spoke. Most of it was casual, about hunting, stealing, or taking care of their hibiscus bush. Some of it was a bit more personal, talking about being a pirate, and his expectations of what it'd be like. He asked questions, but they couldn't muster up the will to answer any of them.

With how sore their throat was, they were sure they wouldn't be able to answer anyway.

Ace's hands shook as he tried his trump card. Another reminder that as tough as he acted, he was still a child. "I asked Makino about it." He admitted, curling in on himself looking guilty. "I told her you had chronic nightmares. I-I asked if she knew anything that might help."

Sabo looked at Ace a bit more closely, centring him in their vision. Ace noticed their eyes moved and perked up a bit.

"She said you could try talking about it." He sounds as doubtful of that helping as they felt. Considering that they're like this now partially because they tried to talk about it… Ace continued. "There's also medication but we can't get that." There were so many reasons why. "The last thing she suggested was to imagine the dream and how it could be better."

Sabo stiffened at that. Ace held their head and massaged their jaw. It unlocked. There wasn't anything between their teeth but it ached in pain anyway.

"Maybe imagine the person did save you instead? That they weren't a useless arsehole and could get their head out of their arse enough to help instead of spit lies?" Ace asked quietly with a bit of harsh vehemence.

They blinked at that. It helped the aching of their eyes. They blinked again and did so regularly again.

"I've got your back, Sabo. Get some sleep." Their twin promised.

So they imagined it, imagined the person not pulling the metal rod out of their gut and calling for an ambulance instead. Imagined them arriving, getting a ride to the hospital then being knocked out for surgery.

They slept. She survived. There was no question, no reply. She woke up in the hospital and Sabo was blown up at ten, Ace sacrificed himself for Luffy at twenty, Sabo came back at twenty-two but he was broken anyway. He just knew how to hide it.

They, Sabo, woke up screaming. Throat bleeding from the force. Hands tried to tear at their own flesh, got caught in hair and tried to rip that out of their scalp instead. Ace stopped them. They sobbed, tearless, and broke down again.

It was even worse than dying.

I won't let Ace die.

Sabo wasn't jealous of Luffy and Makino for getting smiles from Ace anymore. They weren't jealous that he was happy to see them. Ace deserved better than them. He should have someone better than them.

He didn't let them run away. Stopped letting them out of his sight.

Because while Sabo may be broken, Ace wasn't stable either. No one else had said they were glad he existed, even knowing him and about his father. He needed them too. Even though they were a wreck.

It- Sabo didn't matter. Ace needed them. So they'd be there for him. It shouldn't have, but it made them feel better. The nightmare came a month later at the beginning of August. She died. They smiled, even though it still hurt.

O_O

It not good. For Sabo who's been messed up and hurt and for Ace who is their only constant support and has to know this is his best friend and he can't always help them. At least he's looking for outside help from others he's beginning to trust a little.

And hey, Luffy managed to help Canon! Ace a lot when he became a permanent fixture in his life...