Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.
Chapter Forty
Five nights of sleeping in my husband's arms, of waking up next to him, of being the first one to see him and the last one each day, all of it was intoxicating. I knew when he gave me the option on that bridge that it would be different, feel different, but I was still learning how different.
Since we were kids everyone would tease Brandon and I about being like an old married couple, he and I knew each other had our own twin sixth sense, being actually married was not that. It wasn't about knowing Dylan, I already knew him better than anyone, ring or not. It wasn't about having our own way of communicating, we had multiple way's; touch, looks, kisses, eye's, word's, tone's, breathes, there were so many forms of communication that had developed over the year's. No the knowing and the communication weren't the overwhelming feelings, the difference.
It was this deep feeling, known in every cell in my body that I'd grow old with this man, that I would always be wanted and needed by this man. It was like the thing I had been searching for, unknown to me, had been found, claimed, and bonded itself to me as much as I had to him. My soul felt stable. I knew who I was. I knew I was completely safe to be exactly who I am. And the best thing is I know Dylan feels the same way.
His restlessness, his uncertainty, the waiting for the bottom to drop was gone. Iris and Jack he loved them dearly, but scar's that chiseled into bone heal and they fade, they never disappear. Me though, us, he was completely sure of. He knew that while we may have tough times that we would never divorce, when we chose death as the only way we would part we both meant that.
It was security, a person Dylan now knew would always be his, and only his. Forever.
It was addictive this sense of safety, of unquestionable trust.
Our lawyer submitted the paperwork and managed to rush it through using the McKay and Iris's maiden name; Dylan had no issue with that preferential treatment. Thursday afternoon Dylan drove me to get a new license and then to apply for a new passport. My bank cards had all been organised and couriered by the time I got home. Though the real joy for Dylan was sitting in our history lecture Friday morning as they ran through attendance. I was taken aback when my first name was called early, I was usually one of the last and in this class the last on the list. I wasn't ready to hear my name resulting in me missing saying here. The lecturer checked again.
"Brenda, Brenda McKay?"
Dylan's smile lit the room up on hearing it, he had checked my wallet maybe ten times last night wanting to see again my new legal name on all my id's and cards. The Brenda Walsh old card's had been swiftly moved by him to the safe in our study, in an envelope labeled Mrs Dylan McKay's no longer valid items; I sassed him about the Mrs Dylan McKay, and took to calling him Mr Brenda McKay, he didn't mind it one bit though. Our nighttime obsessing was very formal all night, full legal names all night were cried out.
"Sorry sir, I'm present."
"Thank you. Dylan, Dylan McKay?"
"Yeah, I'm here too." His casual words were spoken through that beaming smile.
Brandon wasn't as joyous to see in our class that my name no longer followed his on the roll. When my first name was called he looked at me curiously, as the six names were called out between mine and his he began to understand. He didn't say anything about it until we left the class and began to walk towards the grass spot we all had lunch on.
"It's official then."
"Our lawyer submitted our marriage certificate and my name change request on our birthday. It was waiting for us after the three of us had cake together after class on Wednesday, after him and I got home that night. We gave it to Mrs T yesterday, we didn't think she'd have the rolls reissued that fast. We were surprised by it in History this morning."
"I knew one day we wouldn't be the Walsh Twins, that I'd carry the name by myself; I just didn't think it would be this soon. It's weird to have your name not after mine, it's weird to have that link that tie that we are family, twins, gone."
"You know I'll always be that, regardless of the name I'll always be your family your twin." My husband's arm wraps around me.
"Family what are we talking about?" He was joyous about it all. He was joyous that he could publicly now acknowledge he had a wife and that he and Brandon were legally brother's-in-law. That he had found his family, the one he had chosen for himself or if we believed Iris the one that was destined for him.
I give my twin eyes, I don't lie to my husband but how much of Brandon's confidence I state is up to him. "We were just talking about the new roll's the faculty got."
"Yeah, it's fantastic. B, did Bren show you her new id?" It was his turn to get the silent eye communication, he scrunches his brow at me and then looks at his brother. The light goes on. "Sorry Jones. It must be all a bit strange for you. It's happened fast for you, us though it's been months of waiting."
"No D, I get it and it's not that I'm not thrilled for you both. You know I love you guy's it's just different." My twin never one to deal with emotions well, begins to deflect. "The house is different; I have a whole bathroom to myself, all the hot water, the phone line is never tied up, the shower drain not clogged with hair, I'm guaranteed that my favourite ice cream is in the freezer-"
"Haha, don't pretend I'm not awesome to live with." I say it as we walk up to the rest of the gang who are sitting down.
"Whose not awesome to live with?" Is Kelly's immediate question we sit.
"I'm just advising my twin on all the benefits of having our rooms at Casa Walsh to myself."
"He's pretending he doesn't miss me."
"The obsessive lining up of the bathroom products I don't miss. Dylan gets to enjoy that OCD now."
My husband laughs, "come on Jones it is not that bad."
I turn my head to my husband who is sitting next to me, "way to come to my defence- not that bad!"
Steve laughs, "trouble in paradise? Bren you need a break from grouchy over there my house is always there for a movie night and I'll even let you organise my shelves however you want."
Dylan looks murderous, while I knew Steve was joking my husband had yet to completely lose his jealousy over the time we got to spend together while he and I were band from each other. "That will never be necessary Sanders, my wife and I have our own movie room in our home that she chose and arranged exactly like she likes it. As for needing a break from each other, I think her becoming Mrs Dylan McKay say's it all." Before I can sass him for me losing all my names he picks up my left hand, "and me becoming Mr Brenda McKay. I imagine when she's a big star that's how I'll be customarily referred to."
"No Baby, I think they'll just say Brenda McKay and husband."
Steve laughs at that, "Rush hated that. Entrepreneur and business man becomes nothing more than Samantha Sander's from the Hartley Houses real life husband. Dude you'll be a no name just husband."
"Don't worry Dylan, when I'm Bren's pubic relations manager I'll make sure everyone knows your name." I still had no idea how to take that, was that supporting us and our marriage or wanting to still be relevant and carry favour with Dylan?
My husband doesn't know either and focuses his eyes on me while responding to Kelly. "Well, as long as I'm Bren McKay's husband I'm happy having no other name- I hate the media anyway the less they focus on me the better."
Before Steve can make another smart remark to stir Dylan up, Brandon cuts in. "Okay, come on let me see it." I swivel my head to my twin, huh? My face shows my confusion, "let me see this official name change."
I reach into my bag and pull out my wallet and while in there a Tupperware container of cut up vegetable's for lunch; I had complained to Dylan that our obsessing had resulted in nothing but late night snacking. While I was finishing my make up and he was downing the first of his two morning coffees that he needs to actually talk nicely to people who aren't me, he had cut up a range of veggies this morning for me. He couldn't cook but he was a great chopper.
While I'm pulling out my new id he opens the container and steals carrot sticks, when Brandon's examining my new California card that has my official married name on it I look back at my thief. He gives me his best innocent act, "you haven't eaten vegetables and neither have I."
Considering he usually eats whatever fried food the cafeteria has made that day I concede. "We need proper food, Iris and Jack are out at that benefit with the Carson's tonight we could cook-"
"Or I could take you for a belated birthday dinner?"
I lean in and touch his forehead, "you feeling okay Baby? You're not feeling your pneumonia coming back, because eating vegetables by choice and you being willing to leave our house two nights in a row this weekend- it's all completely out of character."
"What can I say, living with you has resulted in you definitely rubbing off on me." He hears it and his eyes immediately go to Steve's, "don't, my wife and whatever dirty comment came to mind will be a line too far."
"McKay, relax man. I'd never, I know marriage is sacred. I'd never stoop so low and reference how your wife rubs you-"
"Steve. That's my sister you are talking about."
"Brando, what? I was saying nothing. I never even referenced her rubbing him off, it was you brother-in-law who got it up- sorry, brought it up."
I was focusing on my snow peas, looking down and keeping my eyes glued on them. Getting to know Steve better over the last couple of months I now was used to his humour. I even had begun to find it funny- that was the problem, I was silently laughing. Brandon and Dylan were not as amused. As the three of them continue to bicker, I sneak a look at David and he's smirking as well, I don't risk looking at Steve who is aiming for the most time's a person can innocently say rub in a sentence.
When Steve's finally finished his fun my husband leans down and kisses my cheek, "Mrs McKay, I know you were laughing. He's corrupted your sense of humour."
"Well at least you didn't say he's rubbed off on me."
The eye's of anger turn to me, I sweetly pick up my license and hand it to him.
"That's only going to work for so long."
"Yeah, but then I'll think of something else Baby."
He shakes his head, "I know you will." Indulgence and frustration that's how my husband was looking at me for the rest of lunch as the conversation moved into the gang organising our attendance at the Halloween party. To ensure we arrive together everyone will meet at ours tomorrow night, as we live the closest to Arnold's house the guy who is throwing the party.
Brunch was our first McKay family meal shared, and that was only because Dylan and I had to surrender the fantasy of a full day locked in our room together. I needed to go shopping for tonight. I had rung Mum on the Tuesday afternoon and asked if I could come over and collect some of my thing's, she had asked if I would come for dinner the next night for my birthday; the heavy emphasis on the I told me that Dylan was not welcome. I agreed as long as there was no discussion on annulments, moving home or giving up Dylan. After Monday and Dylan's reaction, I was no longer interested on their opinion on him and me, what that left of our relationship was yet to be seen.
After the three of us had cake, I dropped Dylan at The Pit and went to my parents. I packed two bags before I went down for dinner. My Dad made it four minutes before I was up and out the door. Thankfully Brandon had helped me put the suitcases in the car before we went to the table. Dylan wasn't at all surprised when I walked into The Pit fifty minutes after dropping him off. While it had stopped us going to dinner it had at least meant that majority of my clothes and must have items were now with me. Brandon was gradually bringing the rest to me.
Iris and I discussed over brunch by the pool, the afternoon tea that Jackie and Kelly were hosting tomorrow to continue the planning of the Breast Cancer Mother and Daughter event we were putting together. Jack used that time to fill Dylan in on his boat progress. It was a casual affair with a good deal of subtle digs at how nice it was to see our faces for more than a few minutes. When Jack started reminiscing about how bad he and Iris were in their first year of marriage Dylan dived into the pool to escape the conversation. Jack, a water lover like his son responded by kicking off his shoes and diving in after him.
The two of them preceded to mock wrestle in the water together while Iris and I watched on.
"He's so different with you around. Jack, especially has noticed. He obviously lived with Dylan the longest and even though we haven't seen much of you two this week, he can tell by looking at Dylan that he's the happiest he has even been. I hope you are as happy."
"I am. I especially feel more comfortable in my skin, which is weird to say considering I always though sharing space like Dylan and I are now do would make me a little self-conscious."
Iris smiles in understanding, "morning breath seems inconsequential when you consider the benefits of the type of intimacy, the trust between a married couple. It's lovely knowing that someone can literally see you at your worst, can be around you at your most irritating and irrational and still love you, still feel and think you are their favourite person."
"Dylan was teasing you both on Monday night, but do you want that officially between you and Jack again?"
"Yes and no. I'm self aware enough these days to know that I would love it, love to feel that again, but that I also fear it. I have a smidge of it now, and I could very happily live with that forever. Having my best friend and partner back, to have him as my companion as we watch you and Dylan have your incredible adventures, career's, and to give us grand babies. Asking for more than that, having it all again, I fear it would destroy me to lose it again. I wouldn't survive that."
I couldn't even picture a life without Dylan now, she had gone over a decade without Jack and her son. The loneliness of that after knowing this, it would break your heart daily. I don't think I could survive losing him, but to gradually lose him while I was trapped in myself, and then to give up my child on top of that, I know I would have never survived it.
I reach out and cover my mother-in-law's hand. She had lost everyone close to her in her life, her parents, her grandmother, she had lost herself, had surrendered her child, and had the other half of herself turn away from her, stop recognising her. She had lived alone on top of her pineapple mountain, this vivacious woman had kept everyone at a distance, never having more than friends, acquaintances for a decade. Gaining back all she has, has been a gift for her, one she never thought was possible; it's understandable why she wouldn't want to push her luck.
In my eighteen year's of life, I knew I had no words to comfort her, no knowledge gained, nothing that wouldn't be wishful thinking. All I would give are words that would be spoken on the couch of the Hartley House. Instead I just hold her hand and watch as our McKay men try and dunk each other, laughing every time they get the other in what they deem is a good one. We smile at each other knowing that both have the same laugh and same smile on their tanned skin.
When the gate buzzers Dylan let's them up the drive using the intercom in our room, he gives me impatient eyes from the door of our dressing room as I declare I need at least ten more minutes.
"I thought Walsh time would stop being a thing when you became a McKay."
As I walk past him on my way back to the bathroom I hit his butt, "wishful thinking because I know I never choose to say that in our marriage ceremony."
As he turns around he declares, "why don't we add it to the renewal ceremony for the family and friends?"
Standing there in my robe with my hair done and my makeup partially on, I turn around and lean against the vanity, folding my arms in front of me. "If we are adding choices, what are you going to offer up?"
"Baby, I'm the perfect husband." I give him a look, he's great but there is no need for him to get overly cocky now. "Oh come on, I didn't even comment when you drove my baby twice this week."
I snort, "nope no comment, but the grimace on your face as I drove away and your checking of the car once I got it back to you, it didn't project great confidence in your wife's driving abilities."
He gives his most charming sexy smile, the one he knows I struggle to resist. "Okay I'll add a choice at the renewal. I'll choose to get you a driver." He was such a smartass at times.
"Not a car?"
"No. I'd like the death do we part to be longer than you driving a California freeway."
"Shut up, I'm a great driver." He approaches me and kisses my lipstick free lips. It almost makes me forget he's being a jerk.
"Okay, absolutely. My mistake." He says it with not an ounce of sincerity. I roll my eyes he's still my Dylan, he will still tease me about studying too much, my punctuality, and my driving- I loved that not everything was different now. I kiss him one more time and turn around to continue to make the dark eyes Joan Jett is known for.
"You know you caused this lateness. If I need to be ready on time we can't shower together."
He lifts my hair to the side, the hair that was perfectly ready for the party and kisses my neck, "nope no way. Showering with you is a must, I think I'd get lonely now without you in there."
By instinct I give him more of my neck as he returns to kissing it, "you need to go downstairs. There is no way they aren't all inside now; our driveway is not that long." He shakes his head and continues kissing my neck, when he reaches for the tie of my robe I move out of his hands. "Mr McKay you are not starting something we can not finish."
He tries to move closer to me, "we could finish-"
Laying hands on his chest I gently push, "go downstairs and give me ten minutes." He groans, but continues to walk backwards to the bathroom door. I turn back to the mirror, "oh can you send one of the girls up please I can't decide on which top."
"I can help with that."
"No, you'll get too distracted as I change between them." He laughs but says nothing else, he knows it's true.
When I'm finishing off my lipstick I hear the knock on the bedroom frame, "come on in. I'm just in the bathroom." As I walk out I see the black lacy corset over black baggy pants with blonde tight ringlet hair, Kelly really could pull off the Madonna look. "You look great. I bet you are glad the cone bra didn't come until this decade."
"You have no idea. I was even worried about the 80s corset but the lace is only on the side's."
I walk towards my dressing room, "Kel it shouldn't matter what you wear. As long as you feel comfortable then that is all that matters. If a guy infers something from how you dress, that's all on him."
She had followed me into the room and I can see her look around. The wardrobe was pull of my and Dylan's clothes. On Wednesday, when I had unpacked I had organised it. Our formal outfits, my dresses his dinner suit and tux were on one side, our day wardrobes were each given a side between the other two full walls of hanging and drawers. Our jackets were on the half wall by the door, as it was usually the last thing we would grab. "Wow, it's all so blended. You and him, it's… it's like Mum and Mel's walk in closet."
The shock in her voice, that tone of unexpectedness makes me move to the bench in the middle of the room and sit. "Kel, we're friends right? Best friends?"
She scrunches her nose. "Of course."
"Okay, then can I ask you something and can you give me a truthful answer?"
She moves to the bench and sits down, when she speaks again her pitch is off; it's a sign of her nervousness. "Yeah."
"Do you still have a crush on Dylan? I know you did when I first arrived in sophomore, but I thought it went away. I didn't pick up on any indication that it was still there in junior year, but since I've come back… you spending time with him over the summer, us hiding still being together. Did you start to think again about him like that?"
The swallow, the focus on her hanging strap's, the long pause. "You know I'd never act on anything, and if I knew you guy's were still together it wouldn't have even crossed my mind." She knew we were together all summer, Iris picked up on it then. Whether she wants to admit that too herself or not, this wasn't something that came up when my Dad demanded our relationship end when I returned from Paris. "Nothing happened, I didn't do anything. I guess I just found myself wanting to spend time with him more. With Erin and all the changes at home, Dylan well he's been consistently there since I was in elementary school. He's sadly one of the most stable people in my lives."
Again I didn't think she was lying, and I could see that with so much change consistency would be nice, someone who knows you. Steve, Steve met that description as well, and he still adored her. If she was looking for security, attention, affection, love, then why not go with the man who knows her better than anyone, who has seen her at her best and worst and still adores her?
Whether Kelly refused to see it and therefore was hiding behind excuses, or was trying to hide her blatant attempt at being caught going after him, either way I could see her a little more clearly now. I could see what Iris saw from the start, she was still the same girl from sophomore year. The same girl who would leave me on a beach when she got bored and think nothing of it. The same girl who would help me get ready for my first date with him, discuss me losing my virginity to him, and then days later try and go after him again.
She was still the same girl, she just hid it better.
She looks at me, "you aren't mad are you? I swear I didn't think you guy's were together and I don't even know what I was wanting, I just liked spending time with him. I liked him being my friend."
I breathe out, "no I'm not mad." I stand, "I should get dressed. Which top do you think I should wear?"