Ch 23 Connecting

Hermione POV

Hermione felt like she was drowning. She was embarrassed to say that she would easily lose concentration whenever she was in his presence. And whenever his name was mentioned she would float off into her mind.

She was pleasantly surprised when he asked her to assist him in stocking up some potions for the Order. He could easily manage by himself but he desired her company which was a positive step in the right direction in her mind.

She had to stifle a laugh when she realized that they were to be brewing Polyjuice Potion.

She never had a chance to properly witness Snape's potion-making skills before. But she was not disappointed. She was in complete awe. The skill of his hands caused her to blush. Improper thoughts of what else he could do with those hands popped into her mind at the most inappropriate moments. She didn't like the statement of a blushing virgin. But it was the closest to how she was feeling. She was overwhelmed and shocked by how physically affected she was by him. How her dreams would increase at night to include him. She would find her eyes seeking him out whenever they were in a room together.

It didn't help now that he no longer was dressed like her professor. He had no need to. And she shouldn't have been surprised and yet she stopped dead in her tracks the first time she saw him. He opted out of wearing his teaching robes. And the resulting look was…good. He still wore black and a pair of trousers but from what she could tell he was wearing a long-sleeved shirt. And a long coat with a raised collar. When he wasn't wearing the jacket he was wearing just a pair of jeans with his shirt. He looked a lot younger. The stress around his eyes seemed to have melted when he took off his teaching clothes.

She had to compose herself and relearn how to breathe let alone properly function and form complete sentences instead of one-worded answers while in his presence.

It was a lot more difficult than she expected now that he was living with them full time. His bedroom was even on the same floor as hers. She had a feeling that Sirius did that on purpose. Though that was his assigned room during the Christmas holidays. But his intentions for staying were much different and she liked to think his reasons for being near her had also changed.

Everything was different before. When they were together at school she chalked it up to just a silly little crush. Her feelings have intensified over the past couple of months instead of diminishing like he suggested would happen. One of the rare few moments when he was wrong. She couldn't say for sure if his feelings have also remained the same, only growing in intensity. But she could at least fantasize about the possibility.

Things were always bound to be complicated between the two of them. He was her teacher and 20 years older than her. And now things were slightly less complicated. Though still extremely complicated. But in the time she spent with him and having her life be on hold due to the war she realized a few things about herself.

She doesn't want something that is easy. She doesn't want to be comfortable. She wants passion. She wants someone who could challenge her and help her grow and she hoped she could do the same thing for him. She wants someone who will kiss her and make her feel alive. She wants someone to steal her breath away with a kiss. And if Severus Snape can do all of that without even kissing her. What could he do if he actually touched her? She finally seemed to understand how much she truly wanted him and how much he affected her. And how much she wanted him to continue to affect her.

But it didn't matter. She still never made her feelings known to him or come onto him in any way. One of the things she did consider though she knew shouldn't have too much bearing on her decisions since it didn't change her feelings was that he was the last man any of her friends would ever want to see her with. Except for Sirius who didn't seem to understand the concept of subtly. In fact, he was becoming increasingly worse. It was one thing to say it in front of her but now he was doing it in front of Snape.

Every time he talked to her he would ask if she had made her move on him yet. "Did you do anything interesting today, well besides talking to me?" Or he would hype her up in front of Snape by saying things like, "Well look at you go Kitten, beauty and brains."

Sirius practically told her to go kiss him.

Anytime she was in his presence she could practically hear Sirius yelling at her "Don't hesitate, just kiss him."

The problem was she had no clue how he would react if she did make a move on him. Months ago he expressed similar feelings towards her but now she was unsure of where he stood. His feelings for her could have faded away. Or they could still be present. But she wasn't going to tell him anything about the way she felt unless he made it perfectly clear that this was something he wanted. And unfortunately, she might never know.

It didn't help that the man was a Legilimence. One look inside her head and he would be able to see everything. It was different before. She never realized how intimate it was to have complete access to another person's mind. Until she had secrets to hide.

It was only one secret though. Everything else about her was completely open to him. She didn't want to hide who she was from.

And she was starting to see how he truly was now that he was no longer hiding. And it just made her like him so much more. But it also confused her. She was still trying to gauge what his natural personality was and she was coming back with mixed results. It didn't help that he acted differently to the others than to her. With everyone else, he was still stand-offish, guarded, composed, and sarcastic. He was a lot less cruel with his words though. But with her, there was a calmness and softness to him. And sometimes his words almost seemed as if there was a double meaning to them. A secret message only she was supposed to understand. And oftentimes those meanings often appeared flirtatious in nature.

Like right now while the two of them were in the basement of Grimmauld Place where they had converted the space to use as a temporary potions lab. It wasn't updated like the rest of the house. The wood on the walls looked like it was rotting and the floors creaked with every step. It looked like the typical creepy basement in every horror movie with a haunted house or where the killer stores all of their torture devices. Even Snape was initially appaled by the conditions. He had considered returning back to Hogwarts to use his own lab. But he knew it wasn't a good idea. So instead he quickly took it in stride and made use of what he got.

"How did you get to be so good at potions?" She understood that practice makes perfect and that he was a Potion's Master and that he had to be good. But how did he discover his passion for it? Because you only get this good when you are passionate about succeeding. "It just comes so easy for you."

She noticed how he would never use a recipe or instructions. And though she was sure he was able to memorize hundreds of recipes. It was almost as if he instinctually knew what to add. And if he had any doubts it was as if he mentally made the calculations in his head on what to add next. It was a rare sight to see. From her understanding Potion Masters tended to rely heavily on arithmancy before going through with experimentation. And though this was not an experiment. It was the same premise. She envied his ability to not rely on rules and structures to get good results. When she tried to deviate from a plan she just got overwhelmed and stressed.

He seemed to be able to read her line of thought and gave a slight nod of understanding. And what was a barely indecipherable small smile? "You are more capable than you think you are."

She watched as he skillfully crushed the lacewing flies in the mortar while adding four leaches into the cauldron. He had a calm, almost peaceful expression on his face. But she has learned that anything other than anger and disdain translated into him being happy. Well as close to happiness as he can get. "So this is what excites you?"

"There are only so many things that will get me out of bed this early." She pondered that statement. She knew he had trouble falling asleep. And yet she never stopped to think about how they often started working together first thing in the morning these past few weeks.

"Hmm, but isn't it worth it?" She teased.

"Depends on the day and who I have to interact with." He looked her straight in the eye. Perhaps he was referring to her after all.

"It wouldn't kill you to go a little out of your way to be nice to someone." She lowered her voice slightly and tried to resist the urge to bite her lip. She knew that if she did that every time while in his presence he would become suspicious and her lip might start bleeding. "Like with me."

"I am not going out of my way with you." She tried not to read too much into that statement. Though she was aware her confusion must have been evident on her face.

"Mmm okay well then like with Sirius." She tried to bring the mood back up after the tension started to steep in.

He gave her a hard look. "I still don't see the benefits of that. Just a lifelong hindrance."

She laughed at that. It did seem as though she was stuck with Sirius for the rest of her life. He was just like his animagus form. He was a dog that followed people around. "He isn't so bad." He gave her a pointed look. As if asking her if she was joking. He did have a point. Especially as of late. "Okay, some days he can be a bit over the top." Sirius Black was undeniably a drama queen. He was also extremely nosey. He was taking it like it was a personal insult that she and Snape weren't together.

She looked at him curiously while biting her lip. Unsure if she even wanted to ask something that was nagging her. There was no way him asking her for help on the Polyjuice Potion was simply a sense of poetic justice. He must have been aware that her eyes were on him. "I can tell that you are dying to ask."

Sometimes she hated how he was able to do that. "How did you know?"

"About you and your experience making polyjuice potion?" She nodded her head. "You are forgetting that I have used legilimency on you. But I was already aware of it beforehand. There aren't so many people brass enough to steal from me let alone be capable of brewing an illegal potion." She has never been complimented with the word brass before she quite liked the term. It didn't seem like an insult. But rather praise.

"Would it help if I said I was sorry?"

He gave her a side-eye look. His eyes searched her face for a moment. "No you aren't" He didn't seem upset at all. "Did it work?" He asked curiously.

She tried to hide her smile at that. She was thirteen when she made it and instead of assuming she failed as everyone else would have the anticipated that she would have succeeded. "Draco Malfoy seemed to think so when we snuck into the Slytherin Common room."

"And how did you like it," she found it interesting that he wanted to know her opinion of his house. He has made his opinion of her house quite known throughout the years. "I actually don't mind the colours." She actually preferred green over red. Though she would never tell the others that. They would think she was betraying Gryffindor's house. Though she might have already done that by sneaking around and developing feelings for the head of Slytherin. She knew that she most likely had adopted some Slytherin qualities over the years. She was always ambitious but she believed that this was taking things to a new level. "I am not a big fan of the cold." She used to love the cold. But more so how if she was cold she could heat up again. She would always on the first snow of winter, curl up in a blanket by a fireplace and drink a mug of hot cocoa. It was a tradition she had with her parents that she continued when she went to Hogwarts. But things changed after Malfoy Manor and running in the snow. It felt like it took days for the chill to finally leave her body. And no matter how many warm showers she took and many blankets she was buried under. It didn't seem to help. It only came in handy when she was in the middle of one of her episodes. Not like how it used to be when it was for comfort instead of a necessity.

"So you prefer to be warm then." She couldn't help but think of the implications of him keeping her warm. And by the way, he phrased it, it almost sounded like he meant it too.

"Yes."

"Do you still dream or is your sleep tainted by nightmares?" She asked before flinching at how invasive that was. She was just musing her thoughts out loud.

"I still dream," He stated softly.

"What do you dream of? If you don't mind me asking," She bit her lip wondering of his answer. And if his dreams mirrored her own.

She found him turning to look at her. "What all men dream of."

Severus POV

Severus felt like he was going mad. He was restless, his fingers itching to slide along her skin. To memorize the curves and smoothness. Now that he was done acting as a spy he thought he would be bored. But that wasn't the case; he was constantly distracted by the women in front of him.

He even told her so on one occasion.

"You can be a bit of a distraction." It was the closest he could get to revealing his feelings to her.

"Sorry I will just go." He wanted to laugh at her eagerness to please others.

That wasn't what he meant in the slightest. And it certainly was not what he wanted. "You don't have to."

"Okay."

The more he looked at her, the more he thought he needed to leave.

He didn't know what to say. He didn't think it was a good idea to say "I think I'm in love with you and I don't know what to do." Nor was it appropriate to say I desperately want to have dinner with you or lay down and read together while playing with your hair until you end up writhing underneath me. No, he should definitely not say that. He may not be the best at social interactions and has had limited experience in romance. But even he knew that was not a good idea.

In spite of his head, he fell in love with his heart.

He knew she had never been touched by love. He was fairly certain that she was inexperienced physically though that had no bearing on his mind. But she was young and he wasn't sure if she was able to comprehend the magnitude of his feelings for her and if she had any feelings for him if she could deduce or recognize if it was love or not. He wished that he could be the one to make her never desire another man again. Especially when he was in such close proximity which seemed to be occurring more often as of late.

"I hate to say it but you can be an open book," Severus drawled.

"No I am not," she said indignantly. But her eyes grew wide for a split second in panic.

He couldn't help but be amused by his actions. He could feel a smirk growing on his face and his eyes light. Something that has been occurring more often ever since the end of the school year. Dare he say it he has almost smiled while with her. "What is something about you that would surprise me?

"Red isn't my favourite colour," she said with a proud look on her face. Clearly taking his statement as a challenge.

One he too was thrilled to play. He was curious about just how much he actually knew about her. And if she understood what it meant. "I already knew that. You rarely wear the colour."

She narrowed her eyes at him playfully. "I love the fall because-"

"Because that is when school starts back up again," Severus said, effectively cutting her off and shutting her up.

"Okay." She said thinking for a moment. Before she looked at him triumphantly. "What am I thinking about right now?" He arched a brow at her. "And no cheating," she said, sticking a finger out at him." There are many things she could be thinking about. But he hoped for only one thing. And hell he could probably find it if he really wanted to. He was here in front of her right now. He would be at the forefront of her mind. But he didn't want to have to sneak about in her mind to find answers. He was tired of sneaking.

He was pleased that she said it as a joke and not an accusation. Not many people think that. "I don't use legilimency on you unless you are aware."

"What a gentleman."

He couldn't help but huff at that. He was far from being a gentleman. It doesn't matter even if he was one. People see what they want to see. Even when the truth was staring them right in the face. "People tend to expect the worst in me.

"You mean you see the worst in you." That was still true but admittingly he has gotten better at accepting what he could and couldn't control and he was starting to make peace with that. It was something she told him long ago that he found himself emulating. And it has made him feel marginally better. One of the things he could change though was people's perspectives of him. Which was normally negative. Now that he no longer needed to be hated he wasn't sure how to really act around people without falling into old patterns.

"You are forgetting that people tend to not like me"

"I like you." He could feel his pulse racing and his breath hitch before he composed himself and masked himself in neutrality.

"You are the rare exception" And he was truly thankful for that. He didn't know where he would be standing now if she didn't put her faith in him and trust him. Either dead or worse for dead. And definitely alone.

.

"What about relationships? Romantic ones." He had a feeling she wasn't just asking about how people perceive him. It was possible she was asking for herself.

"Non-existent. It's hard to be with someone for more than one night when you have to hide who you are." And even then that was difficult. As soon as people saw the dark mark or his scars people tended to run off scared. And those that stayed wanted more from him than he was willing to give. Despite the assumption that since he was a Death Eater he was a sadist, he never enjoyed bondage or pain when it came to sex. In his experience, there was no fine line between pain and pleasure. Pain was just pain.

He just wanted what everybody wanted, a human connection that was genuine. Most of the time that didn't come in the form of sex but from dating. And for him, he learned long ago when to cut his losses and stop trying. "Who says you have to hide?"

Everybody had baggage. And not many people would be willing to help him sort through his own. "If people knew the truth about me they would be afraid.

"I know the truth and I am not running scared." No, she wasn't. She was right here. Within arms reach. And she wasn't trying to leave. She stuck her ground and even held her head up high. As if she was proud that she was here with him. He felt himself being pulled to her. And moved closer in front of her. "Indeed. You are much braver and possibly foolish than others."

"And what about you?" He asked, turning the table around.

She seemed confused. "What about me?"

"I don't see Potter or Black fighting any suitors." Nor did he recall hearing any gossip or whispers from the staff or students of her being involved with anyone. He doubted that she was involved with anyone. But it was entirely possible that she had tried to hurry her feelings for him along by trying to be involved with someone else. He doubted it though. She wasn't the type of person to go for a rebound. When would she have the time anyway? He had considered it when he first realized his feelings for her. It has been many years since he was last involved with a woman. Sex was not the highest of his priorities. But he couldn't bring himself to be involved with some woman whose name he won't remember when his thoughts only thought of her. Besides he learned long ago that sex without love was pointless. It just made him sad. And that was one of the reasons why he didn't try to find someone else. He had a feeling, that sex with her if their relationship ever got to that point would make him happy. That's why he was never able to get over her. She did make him happy.

She tilted her head back and gave a slight laugh. "You seem to forget that I am not like most typical girls, especially like my classmates. I prefer books over makeup. And arithmancy over fashion. My best friends are boys and I often spend my nights in some dangerous life-threatening situation instead of gossiping with other girls." Yes, those were some of the qualities he quite liked about her. "But lately I have been spending too much of my time with a man that used to be my professor," she teased. Her eyes alight with mirth. Before she suddenly turned serious. "Not many people seem to understand me. Would understand."

"I do." And that was what drew him to her in the first place. Not only his ability to understand her but her ability to understand him. Even with the two of them not being involved. He never felt alone while with her. It was an incredible feeling. And one he won't let slip through his fingers.

"That's because you are much more clever," she said almost in a whisper.

"Hmm, and what are you going to do about it?" He couldn't tell if he was still playing with her or if he meant it literally. In which case, there were many things. But right now he would settle for just one thing. An answer.

She doesn't even know half of the things she does to him. And right now it didn't help that she would prop herself up on the workbench. She would be completely at eye level with him. It was unavoidable. Normally he towered over her in height and she would have to look up to meet his eyes. And he could get away with not looking into hers. But now he couldn't. "What would you ask for, if you knew the answer was yes."

"Do we win the war?" She said automatically.

He shook his head and her nobleness. Moving closer so that he stood right in front of her. He never broke contact. Not even when he would move too close to her and she would have to open her legs slightly to accommodate the lack of space. "No, what would you ask for yourself? Not some selfless question about the safety of humankind. but something that you want to know?"

She seemed just as lost and captivated with his eyes as he was with hers. Most people couldn't hold eye contact with him. But for her, it didn't seem to be a problem. He placed his hands on the table on both sides of her hips. Barely skimming her fingers from where her hands sat.

She jumped slightly when they heard a bang from upstairs.

He reluctantly and slowly drew his hands back and stood up tall. "I guess our time is up."