Chapter 11

Thank you to my wonderful BETA Amyress, who gives me incredible advice.

And thank you to BJHanssen, whose encouragement keeps me going.

And Seabo76, who apparently is a marathon reader like me.

J

Sitting side by side at the bar that just happened to be in my room, John and I stared straight ahead, our drinks forgotten in front of us. The tiled wall was as good a distraction as any as I tried to choose my words. It's a bad idea, that alone should be enough. He sighed, scrubbing his face with his hands.

"I can accept that I am too much of a reminder for you to be comfortable," he blurted out, startling me as my eyes flew to him. He glanced over and shook his head. "But for you to think I'm not capable of making my own decisions…"

"That is not what I said," I interrupted, almost laughing at his inaccurate translation of my 'it's not you it's me' excuse. REASON. Whatever. "I said it wouldn't be fair to either of you for me to pursue anything with you." He laughed, shaking his head.

"Again, I can't make my own decisions," he summarized bluntly. I rolled my eyes and shrugged.

"Fine, then what are your thoughts on fraternization among crew members?" I asked, putting emphasis on the fraternization part. He looked directly at me, narrowing his eyes. Well that got your attention.

"That's low," he grumbled. I shook my head.

"It's direct." Taking a long pull from my beverage I tilted my glass at him before putting it back down. "Rebuttal?" He shook his head and finished his drink in one gulp, setting the glass down heavily with a deep sigh. His eyes bored into me, making my back straighten and my shoulders stiffen. Hello Commander.

"Are you my subordinate?" The question took me off guard but I considered it carefully before answering.

"Yes and no." He lifted an eyebrow at me but didn't miss a beat.

"Elaborate," he deadpanned. I nodded.

"When out in the field you are my CO. Otherwise…" I clamped my mouth shut, knowing I had just left an opening and he smirked. Shit.

"So if we use your definition, when you are on this ship I'm not your commanding officer and when this mission is over I will no longer be your commanding officer in any way which would mean you are not a subordinate now. Therefore fraternization does not apply." He sat back, obviously pleased with himself. "So as long as you can keep it professional in the field there shouldn't be any issues." I glared at him. Twisting my words to negate my feelings on the matter was low but insinuating I would have trouble remaining professional just pushed the wrong button.

"Why are you pushing this?" I demanded heatedly. "Is it about you being wrong? About being turned down? What?" His smirk turned to a scowl almost instantly.

"You think this is about my ego?" He couldn't hide the disbelief in his voice, lowering it to practically a whisper. He shook his head and stood, pointing at me. "You know what, never mind. You win."

And he walked out.

"What the fuck just happened?" I gaped at the now closed door, trying to process his reaction when panic set in. "Shit, now he's going to throw me off the ship and leave me to my own devices. I am such an asshole and now I'm fucked!" I ran my fingers through my hair and pulled, trying to use the pain to clear my head. "What do I do now, what do I do?"

"Everything alright?" Garrus interrupted my tirade from the door, making me jump in surprise.

"Fuck Garrus!" I breathed out. "You scared the shit out of me."

"Sorry, unintentional. I saw Shepard leave and, well, he looked…" He wrung his talons together thoughtfully. "Stressed." Taking a few deep breaths to calm down I nodded.

"Yeah." I looked down, winding a lock of hair around my finger. "My fault, of course. I have a tendency to piss people off. I'm..." I faced the window, trying to pull myself together but failing miserably. A relenting sigh escaped me. "Ugh, I don't know what I am."

"Look," Garrus responded, walking further into my room to allow the door to shut. "I've known Shepard for a while and, barring anything Cerberus related, he's a reasonable guy." He moved behind the bar, pouring himself a drink. "He's the type to 'take action', not overly emotional. He'll think things through and make a rational decision." Sitting at the bar, he motioned to the stool next to him that I approached.

"But what would be a rational decision when it comes to me?" I questioned, looking for an objective opinion as I sat. He appeared to give his answer some thought.

"Probably to go straight to Earth and drop you off, never looking back. But that's just my opinion." He took a sip from the tumbler in his hand and looked back at me. "You are a distraction." I quirked an eyebrow at him.

"Distraction?" I shook my head. "For whom?" I heard what I thought was a chuckle come from the Turian.

"Are we pretending that we are oblivious or blind?" He turned to face me fully. "If you don't know that man has it bad for you then you are either dumb or ignorant, two things I never pegged you for." Grabbing the glass in front of him, he drained the rest of his drink and placed it back on the bar. "Do us all a favor, open those beautiful blue eyes and, as you humans say, face the music." He stood, making his way to the door.

"You two are made for each other."

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Still smarting from the argument as well as Garrus' bullshit insight, I decided to stay in my quarters outside of meals and showers. If Garrus was right the best thing I could do for John was to stay out of sight. There were a few times I spotted him either talking to Miranda or Garrus but I would look straight ahead and keep moving, hoping he wouldn't notice me. I needed space as much as he did, to hopefully cool down and maybe let our disagreement go. God knew I wanted to pretend it never happened.

A week or so later Dr. C had released me and we had a new crew member, an Asari named Samara. I was reluctant to approach her, she was so intimidating and tall, so I would just smile politely and nod when we crossed paths. Thankfully she seemed content with that, returning the gesture so we maintained our comfortable silence. After a few days of that I was cleaning my plate from lunch when I heard John clear his throat behind me.

"Kayla," his voice was low and gravelly, sending a warm shiver up my spine. Focus! I swallowed and squeezed my eyes shut, taking a breath and turning to face him with a forced smile.

"Commander," I replied, slipping on my 'good soldier' mask to hide my trepidation. Please don't tell me you're dropping me off on Ilium, or anywhere else for that matter!

"Feel like helping me with an op?" he asked, a look of hope in his eyes. I controlled the relieved sigh and nodded.

"Whatever you need." He nodded, a small smile gracing his lips as he gestured toward the lift.

"Follow me, I'm doing the brief now."

We walked into the Communications Room together where Miranda, Jacob and Garrus were waiting. I saw the grimace on the other woman's face and couldn't hide my smirk.

Not that I tried.

"Alright, let's get started," John said as he moved to the head of the console. I stood at parade rest at the opposite end as he typed some info into the console and swiped, bringing up a picture of a very familiar-looking Drell. "Miranda?"

"Thane Krios," she began, glancing at John as she swiped the picture, bringing up some data. "A Drell assassin, rumored to be the most skilled in the galaxy. Unlike most assassins who prefer to snipe their targets from a distance, the Drell prefers to get up close and kill his targets personally. He uses a combination of stealth, firearms, hand to hand combat and biotics and it just so happens he is currently on Ilium. Lucky for us," she concluded, smiling at Shepard. He nodded, keeping his stoic expression and looked at the rest of us.

"Any questions?" I held my mask in place. Is John so blind that he doesn't realize who that is?

"Do we expect resistance?" I asked, glancing back and forth between Miranda and John. Miranda dropped the smile and glanced at me before looking back to John.

"Unknown." I nodded and looked at John.

"Do we know where he is on the planet?" He nodded.

"I have a friend in information brokering, she's given us a lead." I nodded acceptance and, taking the hint that the meeting was over I looked at Garrus.

"So, for this mission, you finally gonna break down and get a real gun or what?"

"You mean like that Avenger Alliance personnel have been rocking for the last hundred years? Please, my baby is an elegant weapon. She has style." I shook my head.

"Yeah, and a slower reload than my grandmother's break action."

"Wait, what's a 'break action'?"

"Alright," John interrupted with a shake of his head and a grin. "Enough you two. Suit up and meet me in the CIC in 30."