Chapter 7

I walked into my apartment carrying a brown paper bag with the Moscato I'd chilled in my mom's refrigerator nestled between the leftover roast chicken and pineapple upside-down cake. It was enough food to last me for several days. My mind was on my mom and how much she did for me, and I was remembering to be grateful, because mostly I spent my time being irritated with her insensibility to my ability to control my own life. I wondered what would happen if my secret came out, and then just as quickly stuffed that thought firmly into the back of my mind.

I ran home every time things got too chaotic in my life for the sole purpose of being cocooned in the safety zone where I had lived as a child. How could I blame my mom for wanting to extend that safety zone into all areas of my life? She loved me and always would, but I didn't want to test the limits of her tolerance for my un-Burg lifestyle. I had to do something about Rafael, but what?

"I always listen to you." Ranger's voice came out of the dark as I reached for the light switch on the wall near the door.

"W-what?" I said, startled. I had been deep in my own thoughts and hadn't noticed his car in the parking lot. I was completely taken unaware by his presence. He was sitting on my sofa, wearing pale grey running shorts and a grey t-shirt with a dampened vee of sweat extending down his chest. He had an empty water bottle dangling from his hand, and I realized why I hadn't noticed his car in the parking lot. It wasn't there. He'd run to my apartment.

"I always listen to you," he repeated answering my startled question. "You said today, before you hung up on me, that I wasn't listening to you. I heard every word clearly, even the ones you didn't verbalize."

"Oh great," I said. "I suppose you're here to badger me to tell you the rest of the story, when I've told you there is no more story." It was my temper talking. I knew I had to tell Ranger eventually, but I was still reeling from his treatment of me that morning, and I'd already decided it wouldn't be today. I hefted the grocery bag higher in my arms and went to the kitchen to store the contents in the fridge. He followed close behind me.

"And what's the deal, Ranger?" I asked turning on him. "Yesterday you came to pick me up in a grey car and today you're wearing grey. Have you had a stroke?"

"I told you I'd run with you today," he replied. "Running after dark and wearing black is not a good combination. Go change and we'll run."

"Sorry," I said as I stuffed the food into the fridge and opened my junk drawer to rummage for a corkscrew. "I've decided to forgo running and drink this bottle of wine instead. Would you like a glass before you run back to Haywood?"

He shook his head. "There's another reason I'm here. You said there was more to my end of the story than I'd shared with you, and you were right. I'm going to tell you the entire story."

He took the corkscrew from me and expertly opened the bottle of wine while I reached into the cupboard for a wine glass. I settled for a Tom and Jerry jelly glass, a remnant of my childhood, and held it out as Ranger poured half a glass for me.

"You're serious about not running?" he asked.

"Absolutely."

"Then would you mind if I took a quick shower before we get into conversation?"

"No," I said, thinking but trying not to think about a naked Ranger in my shower.

A brief five minutes later he came out of my bedroom to find me sitting on the end of the sofa, a jelly glass in one hand and the bottle in the other. He was wearing the same grey shorts he'd had on earlier and my pajamas. To be completely clear, he was wearing a RangeMan t-shirt I had swiped from him months before. Somehow seeing him in black, at least from the waist up, settled me. And then the scent of Bulgari drifted over me. Had he found the hidden stash I'd also swiped from his bathroom months ago? I blushed at the thought.

"Tell me the story," I said hurriedly to hide my embarrassment.

He did.

"David Guzman was a smart ambitious kid. He went to undergrad on a full-ride scholarship. When he went to law school, he was awarded some scholarship money, but not enough to cover all his expenses. His parents wanted to help him, but he insisted on doing it on his own. He delayed his third year to work as a paralegal for Acosta. He planned on going back to finish the next term, but he never made it."

"Because he was killed?" I asked. Ranger nodded and then continued.

"He did an internship with the DA's office after his first year of law school. Acosta was the rising star there and that's where David met him. Acosta mentored him and David idolized him."

"Dickie hated him," I said. "Not David. I don't know if he even knew David. Dickie hated Acosta. He was jealous of him."

"Acosta was their fraud expert. He had a nose for ferreting out Ponzi schemes, embezzlers and even cleaned up a small money laundering ring. He was young, handsome, well-spoken and a dual citizen of the US and Mexico. It was rumored he had a political career in mind when he suddenly left the DA's office and opened his own practice as a tax attorney. A few months later he had a chance encounter with David and offered him a job. David accepted and both he and his parents were very excited about it. Not only would he earn the money to pay for his last year of law school, but the experience would also be invaluable. Six months later David was dead."

"And you think Acosta killed him?" I asked.

"Yes. David was close to his parents, especially his father, and he talked with him shortly before he died. He shared information with Louis, but no proof. The proof seems to have died with him.

"Acosta was embezzling from several high-profile clients, and he was doing it in such a way as to be almost undetectable. But as I said, David was smart. Louis didn't know the specifics, but he believed his son and urged him to go to the authorities. David said he needed more information before he could turn over what he'd already found, and he indicated to Louis that he was very close to getting what he needed. I think Acosta figured out how much David knew and that was the end of David."

"That's horrible," I said. "If Rafael knew that Louis also knew, then…" I stopped and refilled my jelly glass intentionally breaking my two-glass limit. "Louis could be in danger."

Unexpectedly something floated across my brain but was gone before I could formulate a thought. I didn't know if it was a memory, or an echo of a memory, or maybe just the consequence of practically chugging two glasses of wine. The thought was there, tantalizingly close, but I couldn't quite see details. My confusion must have shown on my face.

"What?" Ranger asked.

"I don't know," I said. "It's kind of a déjà vu thing. Like we've had this conversation before, but I know we haven't."

"We have not," Ranger said in agreement.

It was the first little inkling of my realization that I had been in more danger than I realized, but instead of pursuing that thought my slightly wine-clouded brain pushed the thought into the ever growing "I'll deal with this later," slate of memories. I took another drink of wine.

"What you've said is horrible," I told Ranger. "Ella and Louis must be in so much pain from losing their son and not being able to get justice for his death. I feel so sorry for them and I'd do anything to help them, but I don't think I can." Changing my mind, I decided not to put off the inevitable. Ranger was here in front of me, and I'd had more than two glasses, but, or maybe because of that, I thought I could tell him.

"I'm going to tell you everything, but I don't want to," I said. "Confessing to you will be harder than confessing to Father Murphy about having sex with Joe on the Tasty Pastry floor."

I looked up to see the beginnings of a smile. "Stop!" I said. "There is nothing funny about what I'm going to tell you."

His expression sobered. "I didn't think there would be," he said. "It was just the thought of you being more afraid to confess to me than to a priest."

"I was sixteen! And I never said I was afraid to tell you. I'm ashamed of what happened and ashamed to talk about it."

"Babe."

"Ashamed and embarrassed for being so stupid," I continued.

"I'm not judgmental," Ranger said. "And what you're talking about happened a long time ago. I'm not the same person I was seven years ago, and you're not either. There's no shame in talking about an experience that shaped you and made you into who you are today."

"You don't talk about your past," I said.

"Touché," he said. "I don't talk about my past because some of it's classified, and the parts that I can talk about are…" He hesitated and I felt a sense of empowerment.

"Exactly!" I said. "It's painful or embarrassing, or shameful or …"

"It's not shameful," he said. "I've always done what had to be done. If I don't talk about it, it's because it's not germane to my life now, or because it involves others' secrets. Stories that aren't mine alone to tell."

"I get that," I said. "I'm getting ready to tell you something no one knows, except Rafael and me, at least I pray that no one knows. It's something I thought I would never have to speak of again, but I was wrong. And before you think I'm being charitable in trying to help Ella and Louis find justice for their son, you should know. I'm not doing this for them. I'm doing it for me. I'm in trouble, Ranger, and I think I'm going to need your help."

I refilled the jelly glass and chugged half the contents before I got up and hit the wall switch plunging the room into darkness. I positioned myself back on the sofa and looked toward where I knew he was sitting. He was a dark outline with no discernible features.

"Can you see me?" I asked.

"Yes."

Of course, he could! He was probably a shape shifter and the dark outline across the room from me was most likely a puma. Or maybe I'd had four glasses of Moscato. Either way I couldn't have him watch me as I bared my soul to him.

"Shut your eyes," I said and then I began. Before long I was lost in the telling, living in the past during a time that was the lowest point in my life.

"I never had an orgasm with Dickie. Not one. He always said it was my problem, but I knew it wasn't, because he was the only one I'd ever had that problem with. And then I walked in on him and Joyce, and I watched them. He worked harder at giving her pleasure than he ever had with me, and I got really, really, angry.

"Just the day before he'd been saying how glad he was that Rafael Acosta had left the DA's office. Dickie thought it meant that he finally had a chance to move up the ladder. That's why when I went looking for a divorce lawyer I went straight to Rafael Acosta, because I knew that would hit Dickie where it hurt.

"Rafael explained that he didn't practice that type of law, but he referred me to someone who did. He set up an appointment for me and then he asked me out to dinner to celebrate my upcoming divorce. Only, and I told you this before, we didn't go out. Rafael said since I was still married, we should keep things quiet. He said I didn't want to give Dickie any ammunition to use against me in court, so we went to his house, and he fixed me a dinner and dessert, Tres leches cake with strawberries. And we celebrated my divorce with champagne."

I paused to take one long last drink of wine and tried to pour more into my glass, but the bottle was empty. I squinted my eyes and tried to see Ranger, but I couldn't see his features. I had a feeling he was smiling.

"What?" I asked.

"You remember what you had for dessert over seven years ago," he said.

"It was very good cake." I took a deep breath. "Everything was good that night. It just sort of happened that he kissed me and one thing led to another and we had sex. It was, I mean, he was, uh…I liked it. I really liked it, so when he suggested that I come back for another dinner date I agreed and that's how the affair started."

"Babe, there is no need to be ashamed of having a sexual relationship. I know you were technically still married, but it seems Dickie broke the contract when he broke his vows. I want to hear what you were afraid of."

"I said I was ashamed. I never said I was afraid."

"I'm not buying it, Babe. The woman I saw on the video, even before I knew it was you, was afraid."

"The resolution on that video was so bad there's no way you could have seen fear in my expression," I said.

"Not in your expression," he agreed. "In your body language. I saw anger in Acosta when he jerked your head back and gave you what looked to be a hard, punishing kiss. I saw fear in your body language. On the second video, when you turned the corner and were walking toward the Buick, you were practically running and you had your head bent forward, but you occasionally looked back to see if you were being followed. You were afraid."

Tears welled up and spilled over. I set the empty jelly glass and wine bottle on the end table. "You're right and I'm right," I said. "I was ashamed and afraid, terrified really. I thought the wine would help, but I'm out of wine." I tilted my head toward the empty bottle. "It gives me courage and without courage I can't tell you the rest of the story."

I covered my eyes with my hands and began to sob quietly. I didn't hear him move, but suddenly Ranger was next to me, his arms around me.

His lips brushed my hair, and he whispered in my ear.

"I'll be your courage, Babe. Tell me everything."