Part of Trying is Failing

"Do you think it's safe to open the doors now? That energy spike she let off before was impressive!"
Voices drift across my mind.

"She might need medical attention. She was pushing herself too hard."

"It might be safer to leave her in there until she's calmed down and in control again. Otherwise we might all end up seeing things."

I open my eyes to find Caitlin and Cisco standing outside the glass.
"Sorry," I said, ashamed of how I'd almost hurt them when all they'd ever been was nice, "you may as well just leave me in here – I'll just be a timebomb if you let me out."

"True, but once a bomb detonates, it disintegrates. You on the other hand, will just keep exploding at random intervals." Cisco pointed out helpfully, "So technically, you're more like one of those Russian nesting dolls, but volatile."

"Not helping, Cisco." Caitlin said.

"No, he's right," I said, "just leave me in here or put me in one of those metahuman prisons. I can cause just as much chaos as a supervillain. At least they can control it, I can't."

"You have to admit she has a point!" Cisco said to Caitlin, "She could totally rob a bank in the same style as Top or create mass paranoia like The Trickster. And who knows if she'll develop more crazy mental powers?"

"Cisco!" Caitlin exclaims. "Really not helping!

"Fine! I've got something to work on anyway. Call me if it looks like we're about to confront our worst nightmares." Cisco said nonchalantly as he walked out.

Caitlin sighed, "Sorry, I think he's still heart-broken on top of being sleep-deprived. If you hadn't figured it out, we had a long night last night and tempers are a little short today."

"That's fine, but can I borrow a phone? I need to let my guardian know where I am, so she doesn't worry." I say quietly, reaching for my headphones and iPod.

"Sure, but is she going to be ok with you staying here? What are you going to tell her? 'Hey mum, I'm just going to lock myself up with a bunch of strangers forever?'" Caitlin says disbelievingly.

"No! I don't know-I just-" I stop, feeling overwhelmed. A spike of pain in my head makes me wince. "I've got to do something."

"No, this is you doing nothing. You're worried about all the what if's and not worried enough about what not trying actually means. You're letting your abilities control you rather than allowing yourself time to learn to control your abilities."

"But what if the mistakes I make while trying hurt people?" I whisper, looking up into a pair of unexpectedly understanding brown eyes. "I just- I just can't do it." More firmly, I add, "And it was never going to work anyway. It was ok when I was just trying to block your guy's minds, but there's only a few of you. I take public transport everyday to school and I can barely keep people out as it is with music. Now, it's only a matter of time before I end up 'illusioning' them again too."

"No. You can't think like that," Caitlin insists, "almost everyone in this building has had to learn to control their abilities and we all managed it. You can too."

"It's not as if your powers can make people run and scream in terror! I know I said my eyes were closed at the school, but that doesn't mean I couldn't hear them." I say, annoyed, "They were screaming."

"Actually, mine used to, sometimes, still does." Caitlin says quietly.

"What?"

"I could end up killing someone." Caitlin says louder, "When I first used my powers…bad things happened. At least you don't have that risk."

"So, have you got it under control now?" I ask, curious and somewhat hopeful.

"Sort of," she says, frowning, "I-well, it's complicated at the moment."

"And did you end up killing anyone along the way?" I add suspiciously.

"No, but I've come close. I'm thankful for have good friends that stopped me. I can be that for you, if you want to give it a go-?"

I sit and think about that for a second.
Is it better to have tried and failed, or to have never tried at all?
Is it fair to the people who might get hurt to even consider this?
But it could be worth it if I used my control to help people. I really really want to be a part of the world, not just a scared observer. I want to be free!
That was what really decided it.

I couldn't be a part of the world without controlling my powers. I want to make friends, and know what the teacher's saying, and not get in trouble for being distracted. I want to have a life. I don't want to hide in a corner anymore.
I'd fixed all those other kids before; I could do it again if I slipped up.

I could do this.

Right?

I looked into Caitlin's big brown eyes and took a deep breath.

"Okay, I'll give it another try."

Author's Note:

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again" and all that...

What's your opinion? Should she try? Shouldn't she? Will it work?
Don't for get to review!

Trix