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Another update, please feel free to review and enjoy!
Silence filled the room, silence and tension. I stared into deep blue eyes as I listened to the pounding of my heart echoing in my ears. A look of desperation slowly filled in the cracks as John's hand gripped mine tighter, but not painfully. My gut clenched, regret doing cartwheels at the corners of my mind, taunting me. Christ, why did I let it get this far? I'm such an ASS!
His eyes closed as a sigh escaped his lips, his face smoothing out to calm. A few breaths later they opened, warmth and understanding replacing the anxiety from before. Another sigh and he released my hands, sitting back slightly as he held my gaze.
"I understand," he breathed out, "I do. If our roles were reversed I would be telling you the same thing... and meaning it." He then stood, walking steadily toward the last victim of his ire. Running a hand along the bag, he gave it one last dispassionate jab. "I've been in your shoes, I know how it feels." His mouth clamped shut as he turned toward me but not facing me fully, unable or unwilling to say more.
I stood, smiling shyly, "I've been in your shoes a time or two myself…" I took a step toward him, swinging my arms slowly in a vain attempt to diffuse any tension as I looked around the room. "Not a fun place to be but your reaction was much better than mine ever was." Finally I was within arms' reach so I stopped, slapping my thighs as my hands came to rest at my sides. Looking up at him, I smiled, trying desperately to hide the fact that my heart was breaking. "Thank you for understanding."
He shook his head, "I may understand, but that doesn't mean I accept it." Squaring his shoulders, he faced me head on. Keeping that arm's length distance between us, his expression was one of sheer determination. "I won't lie, I can't promise I'll forget you," visibly swallowing, he took a slow breath before continuing, "but I can promise you that I never will. That includes you wanting everyone to be alright. I will keep an eye on Garrus, Thane and Kasumi, make sure they're ok." That tense silence hung in the room again, if only for a moment, before he nodded toward me. "Will that be enough?"
Once again I found my heart lodged in my throat, making breathing and speaking nearly impossible. The man had taken my words and turned them on me, telling me no and yes in the same breath. There was nothing I could have said that would have come close to matching his tact and sincerity. Keep it simple.
I smiled and nodded back, "Yes, thank you John."
"There you are!" an abrupt and obviously perturbed Kasumi exclaimed from behind me. I spun around to see her rush at me from the elevator, wrapping her arms around me ferociously. "Did you think you were gonna get away without saying good-bye?"
I laughed, squeezing her back, "I came down here looking for you miss!" Pulling back to see her face, I noticed the red rims around her eyes and softened. "I will miss you something terrible, you know that right?"
Releasing me quickly, she wiped clumsily at her eyes and smiled, "Of course you will, who wouldn't?" Standing there for a moment, obviously unsure what to do or say next, she pinched my cheek. "You're gonna be ok. And when you get back you will be so out of shape I will whoop you from here to Omega!" Suddenly she slapped my arm and went running back to the elevator.
I gave chase, "Why you little!" I laughed, screeching to a halt inside and grabbing her, hugging her to me. "Where do you think you're going?" My fingers found her sides, tickling her like mad. Her squeals must have echoed throughout the work-out room, I could picture John's smile in my head and it made my heart clench as the doors slid shut and we shot up to the crew's mess.
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A few members of the crew, including Kelly, were waiting as we got off the elevator, smiling and wishing me well on my 'treatment'. Kasumi slinked away as I shook hands and hugged everyone, smiling back even though fear was slowly engulfing me.
The 'Ship's Counselor' as I was known to call her gave me a fierce hug, wordlessly smiling through watery eyes until she quickly walked away. I swallowed down the knot that formed in my throat at that and turned to the next person with a forced smile.
As the last of them went back to their stations, I noticed Thane waiting patiently by the med bay doors, leaning casually against their frame with his hands crossed in front of him.
I smiled warmly, "Hi."
Pushing off the wall, he drew up to standing and gave me a nod, "Hello."
Just that one word shifted the feeling in the room completely. Calm washed over me like a rolling wave on the deepest ocean. His presence had a way of making me feel so at ease that all the tension around me would just fade away, leaving behind a warm feeling of serenity. A good tactic for an assassin, I wonder if he realizes?
I took a step toward him, "I'm not sure how long I will be gone, but…" Even as the words formed in my mind they disappeared when he stepped toward me, taking me in his arms as gently as one would a small child. A hand on the back of my head guided it to rest on his shoulder, my cheek brushing against the frills on his neck in the process. Unbidden, my arms wrapped around his torso, tears welling in my eyes.
A few moments later, I felt a rumbling in his chest as he spoke, "Siha, you will come back or you will not. Either way, know that you are my friend and I will pray to Arashu for your safe return every day." He loosened his hold, leaning back slightly. I turned my head to look up at his face.
His same placid expression remained, "Should the worst come to pass, I will pray to Kalahira to guide you safely to the sea and someday... I will meet you there." Leaning down, he planted a light kiss on my forehead as he released me. He took one step back, blinked, nodded, then turned to walk back to his quarters.
My tears flowed freely after that, my balance wavering as I reached for a chair to steady myself. His words and his demeanor had shaken loose the emotions I had been so successful in keeping at bay. Fear, sadness, love, anger, everything rushed at me in that small window of time.
Alone in the room, I allowed the moment of weakness and grabbed a napkin from the table, occasionally wiping the tears from my face. When they slowed and I finally felt relieved, I went to the restroom, washing my face, blowing my nose and regaining my composure. Running my fingers through my hair, I gave my face one last wipe and took a deep breath, walking out the door and to my room to retrieve my bag.
Ok, time to focus. We should be almost there…
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I stared at the elevator, waiting for the doors to open. Afraid of what thoughts may come unbidden, I kept my mind clear and focused on the small crack in between the large slabs of metal. When they finally opened it startled me, making me jump.
A smiling John was inside, "Hey, you ok?"
A hand on my shoulder alerted me to Samara's presence at my side, "Are you alright, Samantha?"
I took a breath, quickly pulling myself together, "Yes, yes I'm fine. Just trying to prepare myself." I stepped onto the elevator, followed by Samara, and the doors swished shut.
My mind was racing, in the few moments it took for us to arrive at the shuttle bay I had wavered back and forth on how to say good-bye to John. I finally decided a handshake was sufficient as the doors opened.
We all stepped into the shuttle bay and I tugged at John's shirt sleeve, "Can I have a minute?" Samara hesitated but then continued on to the shuttle that Joker was in the process of prepping for launch. John gave me a confused nod as he turned to face me.
My stomach was in knots and the speech I had prepared flew out the window, "I, uh…" My mouth clamped shut, unable to form the words 'I want you to stay here.'. I need to be nicer about it, appeal to him. "I was hoping you would stay here while Samara and I head to the planet." John's expression went from confused to annoyed, telling me he was not thrilled with the idea. Smooth, ass.
His eyebrow quirked at me, "I wanted to make sure you were settled in before we leave." His eyes showed a hint of hurt. "You don't want me to go?"
Swallowing my heart back down, I took a breath, "I'm going to mess this up so please be patient with me for a moment." Looking down at my feet, I tried to gather my thoughts, figure out a way to explain that he could relate to, a way for him to understand and hopefully accept.
As sentences formed in my head, I looked back up at him with a look of determination, "What I'm about to do is insane, and from what I understand, has never been attempted before.
"I'm not going to this place to fight an illness, I'm going to fight myself. Everything that happens will be inside my own head and I need to maintain a disciplined focus that I am relatively sure I have never reached before, even in my training.
"I'm not sure I can do it, but I know that I cannot be distracted." I poked him playfully in the chest and smirked, "You, sir, are a distraction." Unwilling to let him interject, I smoothed out my expression and shook my head. "I need to be in a place where I have not spent time with you, where I won't see you sitting in a chair or standing in a doorway."
Pleading, I continued, "Please understand, it's not that I don't want you to go. It's that I don't want you to be there." Releasing a sigh, I continued, "Does that make any sense?"
His hand reached for me but hesitated, then dropped back to his side. He was trying to keep his expression flat but I could tell there was a lot going on underneath, just couldn't tell what. I focused on my breathing, slow and steady, and waited for his response.
John gave me a slow nod, keeping his face blank, "I understand." His voice was low, soft, as if relenting but holding something else back.
I nodded, "Thank you." Taking his hand, I gave it a small squeeze then moved past him toward the ship, not letting go right away. As I stepped further away, my arm extended out. I was about to let go when I felt his grip tighten. Turning around to face him in confusion, his eyes darkened as he stepped toward me.
Everything that happened next was a blur. The hand that held mine let go, grasping my hip. The other cupped my cheek, pulling me closer until his lips had captured mine. He held me there for I don't know how long, our breath mingling, mouths and bodies pressed together until my blood felt like it was on fire.
When I felt his grip loosen, I quickly grabbed him by the upper arms and pulled him back to me, turning my head ever so slightly to deepen the kiss. My heart pounded in my chest as his arms wrapped around me tightly, one hand on the small of my back and the other slowly making its way up my spine and into my hair, cradling my head. We devoured each other, each stroke of his tongue pushing me closer and closer to the edge of insanity.
Movements slowed until reluctantly we pulled apart. Catching my breath, I slowly opened my eyes, looking up into his. Smiles crept across our faces as our pulses slowed.
Finally able to speak, I sighed, "I will miss you, John Shepard."
His smile widened as he pushed a stray lock of hair behind my ear, "And I will miss you, Samantha Reid."