Chapter 5: The Clergy Caper
BGM: ~Disgaea 4 OST: White Gate~
watch?v=o0_CQ9lmUF8
At an old, overgrown cathedral, somewhere in the wilderness
Within the dark halls of a corrupted house of worship, a dark ritual has begun. The very Warden of Armageddon stands at hand, overseeing the unholiness unfolding before him. For often the Devil appears in the visage of an Angel of Light. Such is the act of one of the darkest and most vile demons there is. A name whose very utterance is forbidden, for it stains the very air black with its foulness.
Seven former adventurers. Seven deadly sins. Gathered around an eight point sigil. With one figure directing and observing their foul acts.
A male thief, wearing a style of dress seen during the early campaigns of the son of Krichevskoy, rummages through the others' possessions for their loot, claiming them for himself. That hoard consists of a few hellmark coins, a half a sleeve of breathmints, and some pocket lint. This is the axiom of Greed.
A particularly hungry fight mistress, ravenous in her appetite, devours the party's food supply, eating up each and every one of the instant ramen noodle packs and granola bars they brought along. This is the axiom of Gluttony.
A male warrior, muscles rippling and eyes red with rage, balls his fists and unleashes them on an unfortunate Prinny, tied up like a punching bag to one of the stone pillars that holds up the great arches of this hall, yelling obscenities most foul, such as "Lily Livered Kumquat" and "Nammy Pammy Ninnyhammer!" This is the axiom of Wrath.
A corrupted Celestial Host, nose tipped up with a look of utter smugness, lords it over himself at his radiant frilly outfit, which is clearly more fashionable and better looking than any of these other wannabes. This is the axiom of Vanity.
A Catsaber was there, curled up in a ball, slumbering as was it's custom. But beware, for sleeping on the job is to neglect one's other duties. Those being clawing people's calf muscles and eating fish. This is the axiom of Sloth.
A Professor stood there, before a whiteboard with an arcane arrangement of mathematical symbols, a stool with a chemistry set on it, and an assortment of high-tech gizmos, letting her creations speak for themselves, all serving to enrich her own ego and eligibility for grant money. This is the axiom of Pride.
And last but not least, was a Succubus doing… well… Succubus things. It's probably easy to figure out what the last axiom is. Needless to say, the dark cleric proctoring this ritual was paying 90% of his attention to that, quietly pondering if this ritual would work if it was just the sin of Lust repeated enough times.
"My children! My slaves! Who hath given thine souls mostly willingly to thee. The day and the hour of our ascent to the Earth is upon us. Thus through our acts here we shall initiate the coming of Armageddon!" The Deceiver spoke, raising his staff, a rank 19 Cross Impact, waving it like the conductor at an orchestra. "Let this debauchery become like a spark to tinder! To ignite an inferno of all that is unholy to wash upon the heavens and the earth!"
He continued to move his staff about, as his spell began to come to fruition. An inky black vortex of pure unadulterated sin appearing in the center of his circle. Ribbons of the stuff began to coalesce into a giant pentagram in mid air, which began to glow an ominous orange color. Each candle and torch in the room ignites with an unnatural green flame. "Woe and despair to all ye who will be swept away upon the tide! For we shall rise, rise from this hellish pit of… uhh… hell! And drag the breadth and dearth of humanity unto its flames! Rise! Yes Rise-"
The corrupt Clergy did indeed appear to rise, but…
"…Rise up to blight upon God's creation and befuddle his… y'know… stuff? Okay okay hold up waiddaminute you're ruinin' my train of thought!"
It is at that point the Wicked Clergy looked down to the hem of the flower-like dress he wore, to notice the little Red Magician girl who had snuck in unnoticed and was currently lifting him up over her head. "Oi! Oi! Let me down! Can't you see I'm doin' a ritual here! World isn't gonna end itself! C'mon! Git oudda here!"
The Mage just smiled, not saying a word, as she slooooowly, with a creaking noise not unlike stone rubbing against stone, turned around to face the Base Panel from whence she came.
The Clergy continued to protest. Starting to squirm and wiggle about in the Mage's grasp, realizing her intent when he noticed the swirling, gilded portal she was aiming toward. "How did you even get in here? Who are you? What are you doing… uhh… yeah no! Uh uh! Base pan-o no-bueno! C'mon! I got money ridin' on this! You're messin' with some real biblical stuff 'ere. Don't you dare throw me in no wait no no STOP-"
"Pokonn!" The Mage made her clarion call as she tossed the Clergy directly at the base panel. Like a basketball through a hoop, the dark healer went right in! Two points!
Immediately, the panel began to rattle, as sounds of violence and puffs of dust and grunts of pain as the devilish cleric was rather violently tenderized by the Level 9999 Nekomata the Magician had temporarily enlisted the aid of with this one weird trick.
Sally just watched, smiling her innocent, sugar coated little smile, as she swayed side to side. Without the Healer to possess them, the seven sinful adventurers started to come to their senses, dazed and confused, as the ritual fell silent. They looked up only long enough to see the Mage cheering as she saw that the Clergy had been successfully captured, before hopping back into the panel right after him!
Kidnapping, ho!
BGM: ~Disgaea D2 OST: You go girl!~
watch?v=gkmCeC1o5lg
Some time later, in a dark and mysterious dungeon
"Pff… wannabe little witch! You really didn't do your research, didja! Didn't realize who you're messin' with. What cosmic powers and devilry you have invoked. And look, look what it got you!" The male(?) healer proclaims, in a domineering and accusatory tone of voice. "You fail to realize how much WEALTH and TASTE and CONNECTIONS and, like, IMPORTANCE I have in the grand scheme of the cosmos. That I am the very lynchpin between Heaven and Hell and have the powers to tip the balance and invoke whatever Armageddon I see fit! Hey! Listen to me! I'm talkin' here!"
His boisterous speech certainly would have sounded more imposing if he weren't handcuffed to a chair with a pair of fuzzy pink handcuffs. Standard issue for most Netherworld police departments. A single overhead light shone down upon him, with the rest of the room enshrouded in shadow.
Sally did not say a word, as she was rummaging about nearby in the darkness, humming a little theme tune to herself as she did her work.
"Oi! Pay attention to me!" The Clergy hopped up and down in his chair, causing the metal legs to thump against the floor. "If you don't let me outta here right this minute, so help me, I'm gonna, like, tell on you. To the Devil. For reals. Do you know who I am? I am the Armilus! The Masjid Al-Dajjal! The very Avatar of sin and herald of the corruption of all mankind! By my acts I shall usher forth the end of the world! When I get outta these cuffs I shall lay your very soul and loins to WASTE! My powers are absolute and unlimited and what are you doing with that car battery?"
There was no good answer to that question.
Sally approached him with a set of jumper cables in her hands, ominously. There wasn't even a look of malice or ill intent on her face. Just a disarmingly cute smile, and a little sway to either side as she stepped forward. Which arguably made the whole situation worse. The Clergy began to shiver and cold sweat, in increasing panic.
"Haah…oh… oooh kaaaay! I mean… uhh… yeah! F…fire and brimstone! It's all natural! Doesn't need to be jump started. Y…you… you don't need those jumper cables! Oh god oh god HELP HELP SAVE ME SHE'S CRAZY! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
And then, with the flick of a switch, light flooded the room, to reveal that the 'dungeon' was actually just Kimberley's garage.
"Sally. What are you doing?" The Archer asked, in a stoic yet mildly bemused deadpan, a blank expression on her face as she stood in the doorway to her kitchen.
The Mage froze, just inches away from clamping the jumper cables to the Clergy's pigtails. "Oh, uhm… uhm… just a lil' interrogation is all…!" She chirped, hiding the electrical contacts behind her back.
"Help! Help! Archer lady! Untie me! Redhead's gone loco! Get me outta here!" The Clergy pleaded, squirming fruitlessly in his bindings.
"Mhm. Well can you please not use My garage? And run down My battery in doing so?" Kimberley crossed her arms over her chest and tapped her foot, barely raising an eyebrow at the Cleric's imminent pain and suffering, but would have been mildly annoyed at a dead battery when she has to go to work tomorrow.
"Uhm, you have all the cool expensive torture equipment though. All I got is that exercise weightlifting machine." Sally shrugged. Sure, making Prinnies do 40 reps is satisfyingly excruciating for them, but still leaves something to be desired in the 'abject terror' department.
"I… suppose that's fair. Now, who is this anyway?" Kimberley regarded the boy(?) healer suspiciously.
"I found him in some kinda musty old cathedral and did the Neko trick to bring him here!" Sally replied.
The question to his identity seemed to instill some renewed pride into the Clergy, who perked up and was glad to answer the unsuspecting Archer's question. "Why I am glad you asked! I'll have you know my name is-"
...when he spoke, the glass in all the windows in the house shriveled and curled up, and all the wallpaper took on a texture not unlike yellowed, diseased skin when he uttered his true name. Blood trickled out of Sally and Kimberley's ears as they hastily covered them with their hands.
"Okay okay… I get it… I think we will refer to you by title then. So… Anti-Messiah, is it?" Kimberley asked, through gritted teeth.
"Yep! That's me! The one and only. Accept no substitutes!" The Healer spoke, cheerfully advertising himself.
"You look like a total dork though!" Sally responded, sticking her tongue out at him.
"Nuuuh!" He blew a raspberry back at the Mage.
"Mhm. So, Sally, how and why exactly did you abduct the Anti-Messiah and what did you seek to gain by interrogating him?" Kimberley asks. This whole affair raising more and more questions, and the specter of more and more paperwork to do in the dark assembly if he decided to lodge a complaint about all this.
"I was gonna torture him until he joined the Adventure Squad!" She responded, with dissonant cheer in her voice.
"Pfff… Adventure Squad! I'm a super-busy super-duper important demon! I'm, like, the main character of Armageddon! Why would I join your silly adventure squad?" The Clergy asked, dismissively.
"Because I'll hurt you, like, really really bad if you don't!" The Mage exclaims, menacing him with the jumper cables again. Rubbing the clamps together to cause them to spark.
"…point taken!" The Clergy hastily responded. A bead of sweat appearing on his brow.
Kimberley was still a bit skeptical of all of this. This healer was not at all what she had expected out of the Devil's right-hand man. "I have not been informed that the destruction of the world has yet been ordained. As an official Dark Assembly representative, there are several forms, files, and agreements that must be passed, as well as diplomatic correspondence with Celestia, and the distribution of the proper omens to the human world. When exactly did you plan on informing the assembly of your plans?"
"Oh man, bureaucrats. Here we go…" The Healer shrugged and rolled his eyes. Assuming in fact he has any. As is befitting his position, he has quite the disdain for authority. "It's like, every time I wanna do anything cool, I gotta file a six-hundred-sixty-six-page form to the Dark Assembly. Like 'oh no you gotta pass a bill to unlock better stuff at RosenQueen' this, or 'oh no! You wanna buy up the supply of medical waste from the Netherworld Hospital to make an army of zombies? Gotta pass a bill' that! It's shrubs like you that take the fun outta living, y'know?"
Kimberley had heard just about enough. "Mhm, yes. Sally?"
"Hoi?" The Mage chirped.
"On second thought, I think wearing down the charge on that battery is money well spent here. Feel free to zap him." She spoke, annoyed with the Clergy's antics.
"Wait no no stop! I mean, uhh…! Bureaucracy is great! I can, like, wrap myself in red tape and file forms for days man! Please no zappy! I'll do whatever you want! Anything!" The Anti-Messiah quickly changed his tune.
"Aaaaanythiiiiiiiiing?" The sparkle in Sally's eye returned. And chill went up the healer's spine at his unfortunate slip of the tongue.
"Ohno…"
"You should, like, join my super duper awesome Adventure Squad then!"
"Hookay fine! Adventure squad! Sure. I mean… uhm, I guess an adventure squad can work. More peeps to do medical experiments on. Plus, you can help me finish that ritual you ruined. There's a lotta prep work that goes into this." He agreed, nodding. He was already thinking of ways to twist this to his advantage. With an adventure guild, he could always sell them out to the Raid Boss later or take out insurance policies on all of them and march them off on a suicide mission. Lots of options.
"It's settled then! You're, like, our new official team healer!" Sally proclaimed, before putting the jumpers away and untying the boy, who quickly hopped to his feet. Or whatever he had under that dress of his. As soon as he was able to do so, the Clergy put a healthy distance between himself and the Mage girl. Lil' bit psycho, that one.
"Ahh. Lovely. But please do not endanger the continuity of reality by performing any apocalypse rituals without first consulting myself or the other senators as well." Kimberley replied, in a stern tone of voice.
"Ooooh kaaaaaaay." Sally and the Anti-Messiah said in unison, both hanging their heads in disappointment.
With that insincere agreement, Kimberley's mood lightened. Scolding Sally and her friends wasn't something she particularly enjoyed, but someone must act as the voice of reason when demonic mischief and mayhem start to get out of hand. "Now, with that matter settled, it would be most impolite of me not to offer such an auspicious guest the hospitality of some tea!"
"Ooh! Tea sounds lovely thank you!" The Anti-Messiah smiled, sincerely, perking up. Even biblical heralds of doom love tea, naturally.
"Tea party! Tea party! I'll go get my dolls and stuffed animals!" The Mage exclaims, before scuttling off back to her cottage to make the necessary arrangements for a proper tea party.
"So, anyway'. About this whole adventure guild nonsense. Who else all is in it?" The Anti-Messiah asked.
BGM: ~Disgaea D2 OST: Akuma Stadium~
watch?v=TuZgW_yZ9cw
Meanwhile, at the Dark Assembly office
"These people are all weirdos." Ari commented.
"Yeah, I know. You get used to it, nyao." Momoko replied, placing her hands behind her head and leaning back in her office chair, with her feet up on the desk, as the human floated a few inches off the ground alongside.
Yes, it was recruitment time again. Only this time they were using more legitimate means than Sally throwing out fliers or straight up kidnapping people. With their defeat of Esmerelda and her goons, their guild had gained a bit more notoriety. Perhaps enough to bring in a bit more talent from some of the other Netherworlds nearby.
Momoko was just lazing about, while Ari was occasionally glancing at the TV news report on in the breakroom. 'Catastrophic Finch Attack leaves dozens dead. Murder weapon found.' Reads the headline.
Yasumi sat next to them, wearing a pair of horn-rimmed librarian glasses to compliment her skull and flesh totems, as she read over the new application sheets. The majority of them were just black faxes, empty preprinted forms, paper airplanes, or pictures of someone's bare backside who sat on the office printer.
A few of the forms did in fact stand out. Gido the petite orc, Alessa the valkyrie, and Yarri the lady healer. The Shaman looked them over, but nothing else was really jumping out at her. She tends to prefer a more visceral and hands-on process when it comes to recruitment. As it sits it's just another addition to the daily grind. "Gyaaahh. Curse of paperwork. Growing bored. Think it time to take break for lunch."
Before Momoko could speak, her stomach loudly agreed. Grumbling audibly as she sat upright. "Yeah, let's go raid the fridge, nyao."
It was typical office etiquette in the Netherworld to steal whatever your co-workers had been planning to eat. At least as far as Momoko and Yasumi were concerned. The two strode out to the breakroom and immediately opened the refrigerator. A few lunch boxes and paper bags were there, with names and 'DO NOT STEAL' messages written on them.
"Have bag with human flesh inside?" Yasumi asked.
"Nope, but I scored a Ham Sandwich, nyao!" Momoko responded, utterly delighted with her haul.
"Nnnh… fine. Will settle for instant ramen cup." The shaman groaned, stealing someone's noodle supply and starting to initiate a curse ritual to boil some water.
Ari meanwhile took stock of the remaining food in the fridge. And when Momoko and Yasumi were not looking, claimed it all for himself. All said food disappearing in short order.
The human boy wore a small paper badge clipped to his shirt which read 'ASSEMBLY GUEST – DO NOT EAT' to deter other demons from messing with him, which by virtue of Kimberley's aegis and the threat of Momoko and Yasumi fleecing them for all they're worth and cursing them, has thus far been enough for the other workers in the assembly to leave him alone, despite the occasional dirty looks he has received.
Perhaps this has emboldened him, but while the Shaman and Thief are busy eating and watching TV, Ari proceeds to amble through the halls of the assembly. With his movement type being flying, for whatever reason, he lazily floats along past offices and assembly courtrooms, into darker areas of the building.
BGM: ~Disgaea 2 OST: Akuma Drops HG~
watch?v=JurNH3UQmXU
Below the main halls of the assembly, was a labyrinth of corridors, hallways, and small cramped rooms, containing records storage, dungeons. It was a dark and foreboding place, especially for a mere mortal.
A few of the clerk demons who worked down here, toiling against their will, gave angry leers toward the human. A few distant heckles. Somehow it seemed as if Ari already knew what they were going to say before they did, and just took it in stride.
That was until a lone Pumpkin man stepped out of the shadows. Its unreadable brain made of… pumpkin meat, and a grin of ill intent on its carved jack-o-lantern face. "Well well well, what's a little Human doing down here?"
"I don't know. Stuff." Ari quietly, yet defiantly, responded. A few other demons began to creep up on him from behind. An Imp, a Golem, and a Mothman all began to surround the boy.
"Well, you know what I know? Humans like you eat pumpkins like us." The pumpkin spoke, his voice sounding harsh and accusatory.
"You're delicious though." Ari, correctly, points out. Not liking this demon's tone.
"That doesn't seem fair though. How 'bout we eat you instead." The pumpkin suggested.
"Yeah! Because someone stole my Ham Sandwich!" The Imp added.
"Kimberley said demons aren't allowed to eat me." Ari responded, gesturing to his badge.
The Pumpkin quickly reached out with his scarecrow hand, plucked off the badge, and tossed it away. "What does it say now? Huh?"
Ari began reaching for his bat, as the demons closed in around him. A human is a rare treat in these worlds. Of course the boy would resist, but the malicious thoughts and intent of these creatures pressed in on him.
Then, from down the hall, the loud clack, clack, clack, of metal sabatons on bare stone was heard approaching. The mysterious third party remained enshrouded in shadow, as the single-minded pumpkin continued to try and instill fear into the human boy.
"You're gonna get in trouble if you attack me, you know." Ari pointed out, though that didn't seem to faze the pumpkin man.
"Trouble? Heh, Trouble is my middle name!" The Pumpkin, who's full legal name was Curcibito Trouble McNulty Jr., just took it as another accolade on his record.
"Oooooh, ooh! Trouble is so cool!" The Mothman cheered in approval of the juvenile tough-guy persona of the pumpkin.
"Yep, and you're in a lot of it, kid. En garde!" The pumpkin immediately drew a short switchblade, and lunged at Ari.
Before he could connect, and before Ari could respond, a sudden flash of silver obscured the space between the two. The knife hit a solid surface with an impotent metallic 'tink'. The pumpkin man stopped, looking up at just what had happened.
BGM: ~Disgaea D2 OST: Moving Express~
watch?v=ynmR_tomXP8
He was greeted at eye level with a rounded metal breast plate. A head full of long, flowing, violet colored hair. The paragon of protection. The height of defense!
"My my, you should pick on someone your own size, you know." The woman spoke. An armor knight! Resplendent in her shiny metal aegis, she now stood between Ari and his attacker.
"Hi…" Ari spoke, waving from behind.
"H…hey! This doesn't concern you! That kid's a big nobody!" The pumpkin man stepped back, well out of his league with an Armor Knight in play.
"Well, I can see you're picking on him. And it is my duty as a knight to protect those in need. Even if it is a lowly human. As for you…" The Knight spoke, before crossing her arms, clad in metal vambraces, across her chest. A steel buckler appeared before her, before pulsing with power, transforming her immense DEF stat into an attack, Galahad's Shield, which struck out at the pumpkin, obliterating its straw body in one shot and transforming its head into pumpkin pie.
The other demons immediately backed off and dispersed, realizing even if they wanted to attack Ari, getting through a heavy knight like this would be nigh impossible for their wimpy ATK.
"Ari? Hey, Ari!" Momoko's voice was heard, as she scampered down the hall in response to the commotion. "Oh, there you are. Shouldn't head down here. This is where we keep all the clerks. They get kinda grouchy cuz we never feed them or let them out, nyao."
"It's fine." Ari spoke, before nibbling on a slice of pumpkin pie. As in the pumpkin man's head literally transformed into a fully baked pie in one of those pre-made crusts in the baking tin you get at the store. A squirt of whipped cream sealed the deal.
"Ahh, yes. This boy was being accosted, and it would be against my training and standards to allow him to come to harm. I'm Violet, by the way. I'm looking for work, you see." The knight responded.
"Ooh, jackpot. Guess what, we're hiring. An armor knight would be great to have, nyao. That breastplate looks worth a lot of money." Momoko grinned, finding it difficult to resist the idea of thievery.
"Indeed! No self-respecting knight would accept anything but the best in terms of equipment. So, what is the job you need my skills for, anyway?" Violet asks.
"Sally's making an adventure squad." Ari spoke.
"Well… yeah something like that. Kimberley is the real brains of the operation though, nyao." Momoko added. Something telling her she'll have better luck if she says the Archer is the one running the show and not the Mage.
"Oh, Kimberley? The great Tea magnate? I've heard great things about her! I'd be honored to join in her service!" Violet agreed.
"Want join? Good! Here is initiation package. First curse: curse of paperwork!" Yasumi announced, arriving with a stack of forms, which she threw into Violet's arms.
"Oh, uhh… I… see." She spoke, a bead of sweat appearing on her forehead as she looked over the papers. A standard signup sheet. Liability waiver. Another Liability waiver. Faustian pact. Waiver for the Liability waiver. Agreement to be cursed. Agreement to sacrifice one's soul to dolvalky… hey wait a minute.
"Yasumiiiiii…" Momoko elbowed the shaman in the side. "You're gonna scare her off with paperwork, nyao."
"I think she's going to scare her off with a bit more than that…" Ari pointed out. Although one of the advantages of an armor knight is that Yasumi probably won't be able to harvest any of the major organs easily. Probably.
"Well, we Armor Knights cast ourselves as bodyguards by way of a formal oath of demonic chivalry!" Violet announces.
"Demons have chivalry?" Ari looked skeptical.
"Of course! We knights always plea fealty to our new lords and ladies in a big ceremony, in the halls of a great castle. With pomp and bands playing and jesters and a big banquet hall. It's always a festive ceremony." Violet speaks, stars in her eyes, as she's always wanted to be in one of those sorts of storybook-like affairs.
"I think the only ceremonies Kimberley knows are tea ceremonies." Ari adds, unmoved by Violet's fantasies.
"Oh, well… Tea is also acceptable I suppose." Violet replies, her hopes dashed.
"In that case, let's go. We'll get you sorted out back at Kimberley's house, nyao." Momoko proclaims, before leading the group out of the assembly.
BGM: ~Disgaea D2 OST: Devil Pop Star~
watch?v=MUyIm1oUii8
That afternoon, at Kimberley's back patio
"This tea is delicious! Thank you~ " The Anti-Messiah spoke, enjoying his lightly steaming brew, served up in a delicate porcelain cup and saucer.
"Ahh, indeed. It is an eastern-style blend of fine matcha from the Capital of the Moon. I had it imported from another dimension in exchange for some Eryngi extract by an Ordinary-seeming Witch. It has a very pure quality and delicate flavor laced with both pretentiousness and just a hint of xenophobia, although one would think it's growers were trying too hard to upstage those around them." Kimberley replied, savoring every dainty sip of her own cup, pinky raised for extra classiness each time she raised it to her lips.
"Yeah?" The Clergy barely got any of that but sipped his tea anyway, and also nibbled the little Wagashi sweet, traditionally served alongside green tea to offset the inherent bitterness of the matcha.
"So, again, you're the Anti-Messiah, correct?" Kimberley asked, making polite conversation. She's heard of other high-level Clergy with that title, but she somehow felt like for the official one, she should have expected… more.
"Yep! I'm the doom of the human world!" He replied, proudly, pointing to himself with his thumb.
"Indeed. I am aware of the prophecies of one who would lead mankind to sin and doubt. Although I've also heard of plenty of other claimants to that title." Kimberley replied, sipping her tea.
"Yeah well… they're all just posers anyway." He responded, with a little huff. "I'm the real deal! I mean, isn't it obvious just by looking at me? That I project an aura of sin and unholiness?"
"Well… no." Kimberley replied, flatly. "I was honestly expecting someone a bit more… mmh… brooding and intimidating."
"What were you expecting? Some sleazy politician in a business suit? Some one-eyed mufti in the desert? Some big red devil with flappy bat wings? Look, humans are dumb, right? But they're not that dumb! It'll be too obvious if I go in looking like that. So instead I'm gonna go the route with some style and panache! I hear that pearl earrings and mascara make me look super masculine and authoritative in the human world, right?" The Healer replied, conveniently leaving out the part that it also lets him get into the girls' side of the hot springs without raising too many eyebrows.
Kimberley just sipped her tea to cover her extremely visible doubt.
"Besides. I hate being pigeonholed into prophecies and crap. That's what everyone's expecting me to do. In this business it pays to subvert everyone's expectations. Plus, with, like, Television and the Internet these days, humans practically corrupt themselves! I just gotta get them to sign a few specifically worded pacts and BOOM! Damned Souls for days, man!"
"I see, I see. I admire someone who can appreciate deceiving mortals with fine print!" The Archer seemed delighted at someone else who knew the tricks of the trade. "So what else do you do besides corrupting mankind with sin, anyway?"
"Wellp! Apocalypse only comes around once. So, I do like, healing and medical research when I'm not stealing people's souls and all. Pays the bills and it's super fun to boot! Demons hate it when you heal them. That's why I do it! Nyeheheh!"
"I… see. And is this done through the Netherworld Hospital? Or an independent practice? Do you have a medical degree of any sort?" Again. Kimberley has her doubts.
"Yep! Drew it myself!" The Anti-Messiah presented a torn-out piece of notebook paper with the words 'MEDICINAL DEGREE' drawn on it in professional looking crayon. "I pass the savings on to YOU! The consumer! That means I'm way too cool to work for the Netherworld Hospital. Plus I don't like it when Big Pharma steals my cut. Gotta keep food and zombie parts on the table 'till Judgement Day rolls around. And then, I get paid! The big score! Money I can retire on! Then all that's left to do is spend the rest of eternity chillin' on my own private tropical island with, like, a million billion Succubi and a mansion and a yacht, sippin' tropical drinks and livin' the high life!"
Kimberley finds it reassuring that at least the Netherworld Hospital administration hasn't lowered their standards. Humanity is probably pretty darn safe from being tempted to sin if this guy is their herald of doom.
At that point, the sound of Sally's approach is heard, as she arrives with her lil' red wagon full of stuffed animals. "Tea party tiiiiiime!"
The Anti-Messiah took this as his cue to stuff all the remaining Wagashi into his mouth as fast as he can before Sally steals them all.
"Welcome back. Myself and your new colleague were just discussing his medical credentials and expertise. Or lack thereof…" Kimberley spoke, looking shifty-eyed over at the gluttonous healer.
"Mhm! I know! I'll still keep Miss Lori as my primary care physician. He can't be a worse healer than Robin though!" Sally replied, and speak of the devil, who would come fluttering out of the pile of stuffed animals in the wagon than Robin, who clutched a stuffed toy catsaber which was almost as large as she was.
"Hihi! I'm a Fairy!"
"Oi. Fairy. Where's your magic lantern thingy that makes with the buff spells?" The Anti-Messiah asks.
"I don't got one!" Robin replied, cheerfully.
"Wellp! Guess more work for me to do then. So yeah, about this guild? If I'm joinin' up, I gotta know what I'm gonna have to work with here? What kinda power levels we talkin'? Any quests?" The Clergy asks, as Robin flutters around, casting a tiny spell to cause actual flowers to grow from the hem of his skirt.
"Ooh. We've got a Thief and a Shaman and a Fairy and a Human even! Our quests are to go fight monsters and level up and get items and EXP and Mana and stuff! So we can become, like, the strongest!" The Mage proclaims, cheering a bit.
"Not the loftiest goals but okay! I can work with this! Now, you're gonna wanna recruit some DPS classes and tanky peeps to stand upfront. All those other guys sound real squishy. What's this about a Human anyway?"
"Hey! Hey hey! I know, like, a bunch of fun songs I can sing to cheer everyone up!" Robin proclaims, before fluttering up in a whimsical manner. "La la la la~ La la la la! Leaves and twigs and rocks and things! Birdy chirp and sunshine… burp? Mmmh…. Gotta think up more words!"
Sally, Kimberley, and the Anti-Messiah were all a bit underwhelmed by Robin's grandiose display…
"Hookay. Your heart's in the right place! Singing haunting tunes is a great way to mess with people. Just gotta work on your lyrics. Y'know, what you should do is set yourself up on a riverbank and sing to mariners who row by. Somewhere with a lotta rocks or a sandbar so when they paddle over to investigate, they run aground and sink and drown. Or at least run up their boater's insurance rates. Plus, if they live, you've got a free boyfriend out of the deal!"
"Boy… friend? What's a boy?" Robin asks, confused.
"That thing that Ari is!" Sally replies.
"Uhh… yeeeaaahh… you see, when a Boy and a Girl love each other very much…-OW!" Kimberley smacked the back of the Clergy's head.
"Please keep this exchange T-rated."
"Okay okay fine, Jeez. I was just gonna explain that love is, like, for sissies and Demons shouldn't do it!"
"Ooh! So if I sing I get tons of new friends? I'm gonna sing, like, a lot! And have hundreds of boyfriends forever! La la la la~ "
"Hey, that's the spirit! Keep it up! We'll make a master sinner out of you yet!" The Clergy cheers.
"No you won't. Stay away from Robin." A quiet, yet none-too-happy voice spoke, as Ari returned, walking across Kimberley's yard to accost the suspicious Clergy. The cacophony of unholy thoughts coming from the Anti-Messiah are enough to urge Ari to draw his bat, in anticipation of inflicting some minor skeletal rearrangement if he tries to do anything unseemly to Robin.
"Oi, who's the kid?" The Anti-Messiah was unmoved by Ari's assertive attitude but was curious as to what a mortal was doing here, staring him down.
"That's Ari! He's my brother!" Robin exclaimed, fluttering over to him and presenting him with a stuffed animal, which the boy took and held close.
"He's, like, a human!" Sally adds.
"Oh ho ho ho. Yeah, you mentioned a human…" The Clergy rubbed his chin and grinned mischievously.
"Before you ask, no you may not sacrifice him or corrupt his soul. As I have made clear, he is under my personal protection." Kimberley replied. The slightly deflated look of the clergy indicated that this was exactly what he was about to inquire to.
"Aww Drat, there goes that plan. Anyway, pretty swanky that you managed to find a Human. Not many of those around these parts. Maybe you aren't a two-bit guild of wannabes after all."
"Hey, Ari! Uhm… did you and Momoko and Yasumi find any new recruits at the Dark Assembly?" Sally asked inquisitively.
"Yeah. They're on their way here now." Ari responded.
"Cool! I found this new healer!" Sally exclaimed, presenting the Anti-Messiah, who put his hands on his hips and stood up proudly.
"Please allow me to introduce myself! I'm a man of wealth and taste…"
"Ahh, I see. So that begs the question, Sally, what happened to those other healers you were friends with before you started this guild anyway?" Kimberley asked.
"Oh, uhm… the one accidentally jumped headfirst into a wood chipper! And the other one accidently tied himself to railroad tracks! And the other one accidentally overdosed on bad mushrooms! And the other one…" Sally kept counting off on her fingers, trying to recall the dozen or so healers she's been friends with over the years.
The Anti-Messiah visibly shivered at the increasingly grisly 'accidents' that befell his apparent predecessors. 'Oh jeez oh crap just what have I gotten myself into?!' He thought to himself.
Fortunately he was cheered up when the remainder of the guild approached, as he and Sally spotted their other new recruit for the day.
"Ooh! Ooh! Armor knight! Armor knight!" Sally cheered, as Violet stood resplendently before the guild, her polished armor gleaming in the afternoon sunlight.
"Like, omigawsh! Jackpot!" The Anti-Messiah too was excited, for entirely different reasons. Actually, considering this is Sally we're talking about, probably the very same reasons.
"So, you must be Miss Kimberley, correct!" The strong and impressively well protected Knight spoke, her voice projecting an air of maturity and professionalism that was in extremely short supply in the adventure squad.
"Ahh, indeed. I am Kimberley the Archer. Dark assembly senator and Tea connoisseur at your service. And you must be…?"
"My name is Violet. I am a level 250 Coral Knight, graduate of the Nobleman's Military Academy, at your service. I am here in response to this contract put forth by members of the assembly." She held up one of the many slips of paper that Momoko and Yasumi had made her sign.
"I… see. Well I am not currently in need of any-" Kimberley spoke, but was interrupted by Sally scampering over, between herself and the knight.
"Hihi! I'm Sally! I'm, like, totally the boss of the Disgaea Guild Adventure Squad! We go on quests and level up and get EXP and farm items!" The Mage proclaimed, as she shook the armor-plated hand of the woman.
"Oh? Miss… Sally? There must be some mistake. I was hired to be the bodyguard of Miss Kimberley, the legendary Senator and plantation owner."
"Nope. You didn't. Better read that contract again, nyao." Momoko put on a predatory grin as she watched the look of confusion and horror on the Knight's face.
"Kekekeke! Curse of fine print! Pact is legally binding." Yasumi added, doing a little curse dance in the background.
"But… but you said?" Violet wasn't sure whether to be annoyed or scared at this revelation.
"We lied, nyao~ "
"Violet got snaked." Ari added.
"Waaah! Please don't be mad! We need your metal boobs to help defend the party! Won't you please join! Pretty pretty pleeeeaaaase?" Sally scampered over and hugged the metal knight around the midsection, before clasping her hands together and looking up at her with puppy-dog eyes. Projecting her cutie vibes as aggressively as she possibly can to try to melt the black heart of the woman.
"Like, yeah! We're way too squishy without a big strong knight lady to help protect us! It'll be soooo muuuuch wooooork for me to have to heal everyone all the time! Won't you please join? Do it for a cutie like meeeeeee!" The Anti-Messiah added, sticking his lower lip out as he attempted to cash in on the mage's deliberate adorableness act.
"If you join, I'll give you a sticker!" Robin added, holding up a piece of wax paper with some animal stickers on them.
"I… uhh… uhh… I'm not sure. Miss Kimberley? Is this… at all legal?" Violet asked, not entirely sure what to think in this situation.
"Well, unfortunately it is a legally binding document, and Yasumi is a licensed notary. Although you won't be serving under me directly, I am closely affiliated with Sally's guild as her neighbor, so I suppose technically you will be serving under me in a way, if that is any compensation." Kimberley replied. Underhanded paperwork like this are par-the-course of Dark Assembly legislation tactics, so she can't exactly fault Momoko or Yasumi for doing what a demon in their positions should.
"Well… I suppose it's better than nothing. Who knows, perhaps this guild will turn out to be more exciting than It seemed. I will accept, provided that…" Robin darted over and stuck a little heart sticker to Violet's cheek. There was a short silence.
"Stickers for everybody!" Robin cheered, darting around and sticking little stickers on each and every one of her guild-mates.
"I got a gold star!" Sally cheered. She finally has a sticker for how she feels inside!
"I got a puppy." Ari added, totally emotionlessly.
Violet smiled, as while she was still mildly annoyed at the deception earlier, she can't fault demons for being demons. Robin and Sally's cuteness and antics very much appeal to her protective, maternal instincts. "Thank you, Robin, and Sally, and Kimberley. You have my word that I will protect you with my best. My shield and spear be yours, for the good of the… adventure squad. No foe will dare lay a finger on us hitherforth-"
She stopped mid-speech as the Anti-Messiah stuck two owl stickers on the cups of her breast plate.
There was a short, tense silence. Violet stared blankly at the dorky, sleazy grin on the Clergy's face.
She then immediately grabbed him in an iron-clad headlock and gave him a well-earned, metal-gloved noogie on top of his head. The healer helplessly squirming and flailing in her grasp. "OWOWOWOSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPIMSORRYOKAAAAAAY!"
After about thirty seconds of this, she finally let him go. The healer flopping onto the ground, hair ruined, scalp bloodied, and looking rather disheveled. Momoko and Yasumi cackling in the background at the healer's misfortune.
"Worth it!"
NEXT EPISODE:
BGM: ~Diablo 2 OST: Rogue Encampment~
watch?v=OO-vG8oPhhM
Anti-Messiah: In a cold and desolate dark fantasy world, It has once more come to pass, that the Three Prime Evils have been freed from their ancient slumber once again!
*A trio of mighty demons is seen. Diablo (a red Rifle Demon), Mephisto (a Skeleton Zombie), and Baal (well… Baal), doing a villain pose*
Anti-Messiah: A group of adventurers has gathered to stop these ancient foes. Together they gather at a rogue encampment to receive their quest!
*Loralei stands there, dressed up in purple robes*
Lori "I sense a soul in search of answers!"
Anti-Messiah: "Their journey will take them through dungeons, to fight monsters and gather up treasures!"
Momoko: "So exactly what we do every day, nyao?"
Anti-Messiah: "I mean… yeah but… point and click! Not sRPG!"
*Momoko, dressed as an assassin, scampers through an ancient egyptian tomb, various arrows and booby trap projectiles flying around behind her. She briefly duels a floating sword, then stabs a Mummy (just a standard Netherworld zombie wrapped in gauze) with her wrist blades.*
Sally: "I'm the sorceress! Don't I have the cutest outfit?"
*Sally the Sorceress then casts flame nova, incinerating a group of imps surrounding her.*
Anti-Messiah: "They'll fight through iconic locations, and meet all sorts of, like, super awesome supporting side characters."
Deckard Clergy: *Swinging around in a cage amid the smashed up village of Tristram* "Stay a while, and listen! I'll identify your crap but, like, first let me outta this cage omigawsh!"
Ari: "We're trying."
*Ari is dressed as the Paladin, trying to beat down a zombified phantom brave Blacksmith Griswold with a Prinny Peg-Leg, while Kimberley (dressed as a Rogue) launches fire arrows at approaching skeletons, and Violet (dressed as a Barbarian) violently double swings her axes around*
Anti-Messiah: "They'll face fearsome foes and challenging bosses."
Esmerelda/Blood Raven: *Battling in a graveyard before a run down church, sending an army of zombies and skeletons forth.* "Join my army of the assisted living!"
*Yasumi, dressed as a necromancer, summons a trio of skeletons from nearby corpses to do her bidding, while Robin, dressed as a small Druid, transforms into the world's cutest werewolf pup and leaps forward.*
Anti-Messiah: "And together, they'll battle to the heart of Hell itself to defeat the Prime Evils!"
Sally: "We live in Hell already though?"
*In the Pandemonium fortress, Flonne Tyrael can be seen, cheering the teammates on.*
Flonne/Tyrael: "Do your best and conquer Diablo with the power of love! Right in the vital giblets too! Then we can call you 'Sir' and you can get a New Game+!"
Anti-Messiah: Next time! On Disgaeablo II, Overlords of Destruction! The adventurers defeat Baal all over again!
Gheed: "I'm gonna party like it's 999!"