Just a quick content warning, this chapter (along with with the next few) deal with the topic of Baby Sarah's death, so if stillbirth and/or child loss are things that you don't want to read about, just tread lightly over the next three-ish chapters. Thanks!
Chapter Forty-Two: Distractions
WEEK 26
NOVEMBER 29TH, 2001
0700 EST
ROBERTS RESIDENCE
ARLINGTON, VIRGINIA
Her daughter would be a year old by now, and Harriet needed a distraction. So she set out to find a distraction while Bud made scrambled eggs for Little AJ in the kitchen.
While she waited with curlers in her hair for the shower to warm up to a desirable temperature, Harriet set out in search of that distraction. The Christmas decorations had gone up the day after Thanksgiving (the appeal of Black Friday shopping had always been lost on Harriet), so that was already out of the way. There was New Year's, but Harriet wasn't even sure she had decorations for that.
It's worth a look, she thought with a shrug. The shower still running, Harriet went to check the hall closet for any New Year's decorations.
She opened the closet. When the floorspace and lower shelves yielded no results, Harriet stood on tiptoe to try and rifle through the contents of the top shelf. When she nudged a puzzle box to the side, a piece of paper fluttered to the ground.
It was a card. Harriet knew exactly what it was before she picked it up, but she picked it up anyway. She would recognize the tiny lamb on the front with the pink bow around its neck anywhere, along with the swirly "Save the Date" scrawled underneath it.
Harriet thought she'd thrown out or donated everything that had to do with her daughter, with the exception of a few keepsakes, but apparently this extra baby shower invitation had gone undiscovered. Harriet didn't feel any overwhelming emotion when seeing it. She just thought, Oh, I don't need that anymore, accompanied by the odd yet familiar numbness she got whenever she thought of Sarah.
"Harriet?"
She looked up. Bud was standing in bedroom doorway. "Yeah, honey?"
"You left the shower running."
"Oh!" Harriet briefly glanced back at the card in her hand. She tossed it back into the closet and shut the door. "I'll get it."
"What were you doing?" Bud asked as Harriet walked back to the bedroom.
"Nothing," Harriet shrugged. "I was just thinking about something to do for Mac."
"For Mac?" Bud frowned. "Like for Christmas?"
"No. Well, kind of," Harriet said over her shoulder as she walked into the bathroom. "How do you think she would feel about a baby shower for Christmas?"
Harriet had found her distraction.
0930 EST
JAG HEADQUARTERS
FALLS CHURCH, VIRGINIA
"Ma'am?"
Mac looked up from her computer screen. "Hi Harriet," she greeted, grateful for the distraction. "Do you need something?"
She was a little surprised to find Harriet knocking on her office door. Ever since their argument in the hospital, they had been on the outs. Neither of the women had gotten around to apologizing, both using the excuse of being too busy. Harm and Mac not going to Harriet's for Thanksgiving didn't help things, but Mac chalked that up to something that couldn't be avoided. Harm had made the plans for that, not her.
"Yes," Harriet stepped into her office. "Well, not really. I was just wondering something."
"What is it?"
"Ma'am, have you thought about having a baby shower?"
"Huh?" For a moment, Mac didn't know what Harriet was talking about. Then she remembered. Shit, she thought, that's something else I have to do.
Harriet smiled. "I take it you haven't thought of it, ma'am?"
Mac shook her head with a laugh. "No, I haven't Harriet. Things just keep stacking up on my to-do list, I haven't even thought about it-"
"Oh that's fine, ma'am," Harriet sat down across from her. "I didn't mean to worry you. Actually, I was hoping I could help you."
"With the baby shower?" Mac asked slowly. Harriet nodded eagerly.
"I would just love to help you out, ma'am," she said. "Especially since you helped plan both of mine with Carolyn. I figured it would be one less thing for you to worry about and something for me to do."
"Thank you, Harriet. That would be fantastic." Mac said, smiling appreciatively. She could always count on Harriet to give her a helping hand, and Mac appreciated it now more than ever since she was going into motherhood with no experience and a frightening lack of preparation. Mac had no idea where to start when it came to a baby shower. She'd helped Carolyn plan the showers for Little AJ and Baby Sarah, but Carolyn had done 90% of it. Mac had just bought the streamers and the cupcakes.
Mac had never been one of those girls who played house when she was little, she'd never dreamt of her own wedding, or her own baby shower. Harriet had been one of those girls, and Mac used that to her advantage from time to time.
"Do you mind if it's holiday themed?" Harriet asked.
"What?" Mac's eyebrows shot up.
Harriet shrugged with a smile. "I was thinking it would add a little festive touch, and we could have it here at the office, if you want. I figured you would want to keep it small."
"Yeah, that sounds good," Mac hadn't thought about her baby shower at all, and wasn't even planning on having one, so if Harriet had told her she was planning a safari themed baby shower, Mac would've gone along with it.
"How have you been, Harriet?" Mac asked. The question was casual enough, but both of them knew that it was anything but casual. Harriet knew exactly what Mac was talking about, because Mac's niece would've been a year old by now.
"I'm doing well," Harriet nodded. The falter in her smile was barely detectable. "As well as I can be, I guess."
"That's good," Mac replied. "You know Harriet, if you ever want to talk, I'm here."
"I know ma'am, I know."
TWO DAYS LATER
DECEMBER 1ST, 2001
0700 EST
MACKENZIE-RABB RESIDENCE
GEORGETOWN
For being only two weeks shy of the third trimester, Mac pounced on Harm with surprising agility. It caught him off guard, seeing as it was Saturday and he wasn't expecting to be up for another two hours at least.
"Rise and shine, Flyboy," Mac whispered, tickling Harm behind his ear. He groaned softly and turned over to get away from her, burying his head into his pillow.
"What are we rising and shining for this early?" he asked, his voice muffled.
"It's 0700, the Christmas tree farm opens at 0900. We have one hour, fifty eight minutes, and three seconds to get there," Mac said.
Harm lifted his head from his pillow. "Seriously?" he looked at her incredulously. "You're getting up this early to go to a Christmas tree farm?"
Mac smiled sheepishly. "Yeah, and your son has been laying on my bladder for the past two hours and hasn't moved. If I'm up and suffering, you have to be up too."
"I see."
"Just be thankful you're not peeing every ten minutes."
Harm turned over, placing one hand on Mac's belly and reaching up to cup Mac's cheek. "Hi," he greeted, his voice still thick with sleep.
"Hi," Mac dipped her head down to kiss Harm's palm. "Good morning."
"Morning."
There was a small kick, which Harm felt right in the middle of his palm. As tired as he was he figured that, if his girlfriend and unborn child were already awake, he shouldn't be a stick in the mud. Yawning, he sat up. "Alright Clark Griswold, do you want me to make breakfast before we head out, or do we have to get there as soon as it opens?"
"Well, since you offered, I'd love some bacon and scrambled eggs," Mac said.
Harm groaned as he tossed the covers back. "Why must you make me fix bacon?"
"Because I know you won't deny your pregnant girlfriend food," Mac answered, sliding off the bed and following him into the bathroom. "And don't call me Clark Griswald."
1100 EST
MIDDLEBURG CHRISTMAS TREE FARM
MIDDLEBURG, VIRGINIA
"It's only December 1st, babe. If we get a tree now, won't it be dead by Christmas?" Harm asked.
Mac, who was walking several paces ahead, stopped. She turned around to look at him like he had two heads. "It'll be fine, Harm," she said. "We'll just water it."
"Oh."
He knew it was a holiday staple, but Harm never got the point of getting a live Christmas tree. In his opinion, it was a lot more sustainable to have an artificial tree that could be reused every year. But Mac wanted a real tree, because she always got a real tree, and who was Harm to deny his pregnant girlfriend her Christmas tradition?
The year before he'd overheard Brumby complaining about how Mac had dragged him all the way out here to pick out a tree and how pointless it all seemed. Harm was inclined to agree with him, but seeing Mac's excitement made it worth the while. She was moving with an excitement and gusto that Harm hadn't seen since the first trimester, and he almost had to jog to keep up with her.
"What's got you so excited, huh?" he asked once he caught up to her. Mac was in the middle of inspecting the pine needles on a slender Douglas fir.
"You're not?" she looked over her shoulder in surprise.
"Oh no," Harm shook his head. He gently tweaked a branch. "I was just wondering why you were so excited. I didn't know you got this involved with Christmas."
Mac's favorite holiday was Halloween, Harm's was a tie between Thanksgiving and July 4th. Christmas was not the favorite holiday for either of them, Harm because of his father's disappearance, and Mac because of her childhood in general. So Mac showing this much excitement, especially over a tree, was surprising.
"I'm not," Mac said. "But my grandma always used to take me to pick out a Christmas tree and we would decorate it after. It's one of the only happy memories I have from Christmas."
Harm smiled. "That's nice."
"Yeah…" Mac looked wistfully at the trees lining the field. She took Harm's hand in hers, flashing him a grin. "So now we have to find the perfect tree. Come on!"
As she yanked him towards the next tree, Harm asked. "There's Christmas tree farms in Arizona?"
"There's Christmas tree farms everywhere, Harm."
Mac's feet getting sore prevented her from checking out all the Christmas trees like she was planning to, but thankfully they stumbled upon 'the perfect tree' before they had to trek around the entire farm. Mac was actually the one who deemed it 'perfect', and Harm just went along with her. There was no way he could disagree really; the three looked fine enough to him. It was your standard fluffy, green, Christmas tree. By the way Mac was treating it though, you would think it was the Rockefeller tree.
"I forgot to measure the living room," Harm said. He surveyed the tree that was now strapped to the top of his Lexus, trying not to worry too much about the branches scratching the paint. It looked like it would fit from this perspective, but Harm knew it would probably look a lot bigger inside Mac's apartment. "Are you sure it's going to fit?"
"That's the fun part," Mac said as they got in the car. There was an odd twinkle in her eye "Seeing if it fits. That's what made my first time with you so exciting."
Harm's mouth dropped open and he looked up at her in shock. "Mac-"
Mac nodded towards the steering wheel. "Are you gonna pull out yet?"
"That's it-"
"I was referring to the parking space!"
1300 EST
FASHION CENTRE AT PENTAGON CITY
ARLINGTON, VIRGINIA
They hadn't exactly been the best of friends since the incident at the hospital, so Harriet hadn't had time recently to divulge any motherhood secrets to Mac. The type of secrets that a woman doesn't find out until she's a mother and by then it's too late; she's already in over her head because no one told her what to really expect.
The first tidbit of information Harriet would tell Mac was that, when it came to motherhood, free time was an illusion. There was no free time. Your 'free time' as a mother was designated for all the tasks you couldn't complete while simultaneously keeping track of a toddler. For that Saturday, her free time task was getting the decorations for Mac's baby shower, as well as her present. It was actually rather exciting for Harriet, because this was the first time in a long time she wasn't the one having the baby shower.
Loaded down with bags, Harriet made her way towards the escalators. She was about to get on one escalator to go down at the same time that another woman was getting off the escalator going up. The other woman was talking on the phone and wasn't paying attention to where she was going.
"Yes, Laura, I know what I'm talking about. We get one every year. I can't just stop now. I was thinking about collecting them all together and giving them a Viking funeral or something-"
Harriet bumped shoulders with the woman, causing her to drop one of her bags.
"Oh my God, I'm so sorry!" The woman immediately hung up the phone and bent down to help Harriet collect her things.
"That's alright," Harriet said with a smile, even though she was really quite annoyed. "It's so crowded in here, with Christmas shopping and all-"
"Don't apologize!" the woman insisted, waving a hand. "I should've been watching where I was walking! These damn cellphones can be so distracting sometimes."
Harriet nodded. "Believe me, I completely understand." There had been many times her and Bud had bumped into each other pacing around their apartment, while Bud was on the phone with Commander Rabb or Colonel Mackenzie and she was on the phone with her mother.
The woman laughed as she placed a package of pink and blue confetti back into Harriet's shopping bag. In an attempt to keep things as gender neutral as possible, Harriet also got green, yellow, and white confetti as well. With that, combined with some Christmas elements, Harriet was banking on having the entire rainbow at Mac's baby shower.
She was finally able to get a good look at the woman, and Harriet was shocked that she recognized her.
"Doctor?" she blurted out before she could stop herself. "Doctor…doctor," she began to blush when she couldn't think of her last name. Or her first name either, for that matter.
"Gardner?"
"Yes!"
"Hi," Dr. Gardner smiled, her brow furrowing slightly. "I know I've seen you from somewhere. Don't tell me you're not one of my patients? Oh my God, I'm so sorry I completely forgot-"
"Oh no, I'm not one of your patients," Harriet said. "I'm Lieutenant Sims-Harriet-a friend of Sarah Mackenzie's."
"Of course. Now I remember you. You were at the gala, right?" Melinda asked as they stood up. Harriet had to shuffle her bags around to get them to comfortable resting positions on her arms.
"Yes. I was uh...in the bathroom with you?"
"Right," Melinda chuckled dryly. She looked down to hide her blush. "How could I forget?"
"Well, we've all been there," Harriet said, thinking back to the morning of her wedding. That day she hadn't actually been crying in the bathroom, but she may as well have been.
"Yeah," Melinda nodded. "Well, it was nice seeing you, Harriet. I'll let you get back to your shopping," she looked down with wide eyes at all the bags Harriet was holding.
Harriet laughed. "Thanks."
"Have a good day."
"You do the same."
Harriet watched as Melinda walked off. She already had her phone back up to her ear, fending off an irritated phone call from the person she'd hung up on ("I'm sorry, but I had to hang up on you. My world does not revolve around you, Laura") and Harriet sighed after her envy. Bathroom breakdowns aside, Harriet would wager that Melinda Gardner was someone who could get all the free time she wanted, whenever she wanted it.
1645 EST
MACKENZIE-RABB RESIDENCE
GEORGETOWN
After swinging by Harm's apartment on the way back from the Christmas tree farm to pick up some boxes of decorations, Harm and Mac finally commenced putting up the tree and putting ornaments on it. Well, the actual installation of the tree was done by Harm with the help of Sturgis, because Mac lifting heavy objects wasn't exactly advisable for her with her current condition.
"I told you it would fit," Mac said as they admired the fluffy evergreen that had found its new home in the corner of Mac's living room. "And that wasn't an innuendo."
"I always knew it would," Harm replied, flashing Mac a grin. "That was an innuendo."
Mac arched an eyebrow. "Oh really?"
"Yep," Harm nodded. "Fit like a glove."
"It's almost like we were made for each other."
"Exactly."
Harm and Mac started with stringing up the lights. They should've known a debate would soon start, as debates often did with them.
"What do you think you're doing?" Mac asked as she saw Harm heading towards the tree with a string of white lights. He paused, looking around to see if he had inadvertently caused a catastrophe on his way from the box to the tree.
"Hanging the lights…" Harm answered slowly. "What should I be doing?"
"White lights?" Mac looked at him incredulously. "You can't be serious."
"What's wrong with white lights?"
Mac snorted lightly. "Nothing," she sighed. "I just didn't know I was dating a snob, that's all."
"A snob?" Harm scoffed. "Does preferring white lights make me a snob?"
"Well, if the flight suit fits…"
"White lights are classy!" Harm insisted, feeling a lot more defensive over this topic than he ever thought he could be. He'd never met any opposition to his choice of white lights before. Renee never minded, or Jordan, or even Annie-which was saying something, because Annie got in a snit over everything. Hell, his mother even preferred white lights.
Harm could stand an insult about his taste, but not his mother's taste.
"That might be the case, but colorful lights are the classic," Mac said, taking her hand out of her own box of decorations. In her hands was a balled up strand of multicolored lights. They were in such a knot that Harm laughed at the state of them.
"Yeah, we can put those on the tree if you can get them out of that knot," he said.
Mac thought it over for a moment, looking from Harm, to the tree, to the ball of lights in her hand. Finally, she shrugged. "Alright," she plopped down on the sofa and commenced untangling the knotted lights. She was pretty sure Mic had been the one to pack them up last year, but thankfully there was no Mic there to yell at for tangling the lights, so Mac wasn't too irritated about it.
Harm looked at her in mild disbelief. "Are you serious?"
"They don't call me Clark Griswold around these parts for nothing."
As Mac began to untangle, Harm went ahead and began to string the white lights around the tree while she wasn't looking. He figured that if she was actually able to get the knot untied, he would reward her by going through the entire process of untangling the lights he'd painstakingly strung up. He knew she would get a kick out of that.
Mac turned the tangled mass of lights over in her hand, trying to find a place to start. That proved to be a much more difficult task than she had expected, so Mac soon let her mind wander. She knew where her mind was headed before it went there, so she wasn't caught off guard when she started thinking about her conversation with Harriet the other day, and the recent goings-on between her and Harriet in general.
"I told you Harriet's planning the baby shower, right?" Mac asked Harm. She had been so busy lately that she couldn't remember what she'd told Harm and what she hadn't.
"Yeah," Harm paused. He'd almost reached the top of the tree while stringing the lights. "How are things between the two of you, by the way?" he tried to keep his tone casual, but Mac saw right through him.
"If you've been that curious, you could've asked me before," Mac said, finally able to loosen an area of the knot.
"I'm asking now, is that okay?"
"I suppose," Mac shrugged. Better late than never. "We just haven't been talking a lot recently. It's kind of a lot to explain."
Harm didn't know about what happened between Mac and Harriet at the hospital. Mac was pretty sure no one knew about that conversation except her and Harriet. If Harriet had told Bud, he would've brought it up by now, either on purpose or at least by accident.
"Is that all?" Harm asked. He'd picked up on the tension between the two of them not long after Brumby left and he was able to come off his cloud of defensiveness, but he hadn't found an opportune time to bring it up until now. He knew when Mac was in a mood to be pressed about something and when she wasn't in a mood to be pressed about something. That afternoon, per his calculations, she was willing to be pressed.
Mac paused a moment before answering. "No…" she sat the ball of lights down beside her on the sofa. "We had an argument."
"An argument?" Harm's brow furrowed. "When?"
"While I was in the hospital. I didn't tell you because we were mad at each other, too," she explained.
Harm turned away from the tree. He headed over to the sofa and sat down beside her. "What happened?"
"Oh, nothing," Mac replied. "We just said some things that we probably shouldn't have. She said some things about you and Mic, and I brought up Sarah…"
"Mac-"
"Can you help me with these?" Mac held up the ball of lights. Harm took them from her, turning them over in his hands to try and find a place to start.
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked.
Mac shrugged. "I'm not sure. I haven't even talked it over with Harriet yet, Harm. Her offering to plan my baby shower is the first time we've talked since the argument."
"Maybe it's her olive branch," Harm reached out to squeeze Mac's shoulder. "You two will patch things up eventually, I know it."
"Really?" Mac looked up at him with raised eyebrows. "Harm, you weren't there. Some of the stuff…" her voice trailed off.
"Harriet's your best friend, Mac. You two are gonna work things out," Harm said. "If Harriet didn't want anything to do with you, she wouldn't be planning your baby shower."
1930 EST
ROBERTS' RESIDENCE
ARLINGTON, VIRGINIA
While Bud was putting Little AJ to bed, Harriet decided to use her free time to go through some of the things she bought that day. Sitting on the floor of her bedroom, Harriet poked through her shopping bags and pulled out what she bought for Mac's baby shower present. As she looked over the set of pastel onesies and the blanket with ducks printed on it (Harm had told Harriet he'd painted the nursery yellow, so she decided to keep with the theme), and suddenly Harriet felt herself overcome with emotion. It wasn't joy about her new coming niece or nephew, or excitement of her friends becoming parents. It wasn't even grief for the baby she'd lost a year ago.
The feeling Harriet was overcome with in that moment was jealousy. Pure, unadulterated jealousy, combined with a dash of pure, unadulterated rage.
She knew it made her a horrible person, but Harriet couldn't help but hate Mac. Hate her for being able to have a healthy baby when Harriet couldn't. Harriet had Little AJ of course, but already having a baby didn't take away from the sting of losing another-a sting which Harriet still felt everyday, one way or another. Especially whenever she saw Mac. She knew it was unreasonable, but Harriet was learning that the 'anger' stage of the grief process was a bitch to get through.
How is this fair? Harriet wanted to scream at God sometimes, How does she get a baby and I don't?
Sometimes, she wanted to scream at Mac, too. How dare you? Harriet wanted to demand. How dare Mac get pregnant just months after Harriet spent hours crying on her shoulder about her lost baby girl? Without even trying, too. That was the part that infuriated Harriet the most, in the rare moments when she allowed herself to feel her grief. Her and Bud tried for a second baby, they planned, they knew what they wanted. But Harm and Mac got to become expectant parents after a one night stand that involved questionable contraceptive methods.
Harriet would let herself get angry when she was sure no one else was watching. When she was in the shower, or when she was in the car. Usually she was able to reel herself in before she started thinking things that were truly awful, but on occasion she would let her mind slip into that dark place.
That dark place was where Harriet thought, Mac doesn't deserve that baby. What did she do that I didn't to get a healthy baby? She's an alcoholic. I can count on one hand how many times I've gotten drunk in my life. She slept with her C.O, something I would never dream of doing. She goes to church on Christmas Eve and Easter-and that's only sometimes. I go damn near every Sunday and God decided to repay me by taking my daughter away from me before I can even hold her.
When Harriet thought of those things, the severity of her thoughts terrified her. She would immediately pull herself back, either through forcing herself to think of something else or by sending a quick prayer to the man upstairs so he wouldn't smite her. She didn't actually feel that animosity towards Mac. Deep down, Harriet knew this, even though she really wasn't too sure.
Harriet had felt grief before. She'd gone through losing both sets of grandparents and even an uncle that had passed away unexpectedly young from cancer. But this grief was an entirely different beast. The pain of losing her daughter was something that ripped through Harriet, making her feel feral. She had never questioned her sanity before, but sometimes she thought the grief would drive her insane.
She just needed an outlet for the pain-and Mac was right there. Mac was pregnant and right there. It was like the universe was slapping her in the face.
Calling Mac a whore in the hospital didn't give Harriet as much satisfaction as she thought it would. She achieved her goal of bringing Mac down several pegs, but that couldn't be enjoyed over Harriet's knowledge that she'd hurt her best friend. She did enjoy watching Mac's perfect bubble bursting initially, but it soon left a bitter taste in her mouth.
The second target of Harriet's anger was Dr. Gardner. This made even less sense than Harriet's anger towards Mac-Harriet barely knew Dr. Gardner-but the anger was definitely there. She didn't know too much about her, but Harriet would wager that Dr. Gardner was a hell of a lot better than Dr. Gettis. Harriet would wager that she was at least good enough to notice something on the ultrasound that wasn't supposed to be there, or to schedule a c-section, or to answer her pager on the first call.
If Dr. Gardner's marriage had fallen apart a year earlier, if she had moved to D.C a few months earlier, she would've been able to save Sarah-
Harriet stopped that thought process, aware enough to know that it was ridiculous.
Stuffing the onesies and the blanket back into their bag, all Harriet could think was, This isn't fair. None of this is fair.
NOVEMBER 2000
1815 EST
APARTMENT OF SARAH MACKENZIE
GEORGETOWN
"Why haven't they called yet? It should be over by now, shouldn't it? Little AJ was born in like two hours."
Mac was pacing, unable to sit still due to her excitement. Mic was watching her with mild confusion from the sofa, where he was sitting watching TV with Jingo. He shrugged and scratched Jingo behind the ear. "They say every pregnancy is different, don't they?"
"I know," Mac said with a frustrated groan. She picked up her phone, checking to make sure no one had called in the ten seconds Mic had been talking. "I just-I need to know! If it takes another hour we're going to the hospital."
Mic's eyebrows shot up. "Let's not do that."
Drumming her fingers on her kitchen counter, Mac looked down at her cellphone, willing it to ring. She knew a baby being delivered was a very complicated process-a process that often required much patience, but Mac was having trouble having patience. She couldn't wait to meet her niece. Sarah.
Her niece being named after her was an undeniable source of pride-and some bragging rights-for Mac. Of course she would love the little girl regardless of her name, but them sharing the name was definitely an added bonus. In some odd way it made Mac feel as though she already knew her.
Mac couldn't wait to see her, and hold her. Whisper to her all the secrets that only Sarahs could know.
But another hour passed, and then another. Mac received no phone calls from anyone, and Mic had to dissuade her twice from going to the hospital. Finally, there was a knock at the door. Mic got up to get it but, by the time he was on his feet, Mac was already opening the door.
It was Harm. He stepped into the apartment without answering Mac's eager greeting, looking as though he'd seen a ghost. Mic immediately knew by Harm's expression that something wasn't right, but Mac was too caught up in her excitement to notice.
"What's the news?" Mac asked, closing the door behind Harm. The longer Mic looked at him the more he was sure something was wrong. He opened his mouth to tell Mac so, but she cut him off. "Have you heard anything? Because we haven't-"
Mic finally took a step forward. "Mac-"
"Something happened," Harm finally said, swallowing.
Mac blinked at him. "With what?"
"The delivery."
"What do you mean?" Mac asked. "What do you mean, something happened with the delivery? Is everyone okay?"
Harm shook his head.
"Harriet's fine but-" he paused, drawing a shaky breath. "The baby-"
"Sarah? What happened to her? Is she okay?" Mac demanded, her words coming out in a rushed, frantic way. Harm and Mic exchanged glances. They both knew, but it hadn't sunk in for Mac, yet.
"No, no," Mac shook her head, reality suddenly dawning on her in the cruelest way. "You're wrong. She's fine, she has to be fine."
"Mac," Harm reached out for her, but she backed away. "She's gone, Mac."
"No," she repeated. She turned to look at Mic, as if he could offer her a different answer. "She can't be. She just got here, how can she be gone?"
Mac was crying, but didn't appear to notice. She looked at Mic with wide eyes and then looked back at Harm. "How is that fair?" she asked them. "How is this fair?"
"Mac-" Harm started.
"She's a baby!" Mac said, her voice becoming shrill. "What did she do to deserve this? She's a child!"
Mic tried to reach out to pull her into his arms. "Sarah-"
"How is this fair?" she choked out through tears. "How is any of this fair?"
So...yeah. This was probably the hardest chapter for me to write, for obvious reasons. However, I felt it was necessary for this story for a number of reasons, the main one being the timeline. From what I was able to gather from the JAG canon (which I know can be unreliable at times), Baby Sarah was stillborn in November/December 2000, and in this story (aka my JAG canon) Mac gets pregnant in June of the following year. So it only made sense that Harriet's grief would still be very fresh, and while she would no doubt be happy for Mac, I would venture to say that she would also have other, more mixed emotions about it - mainly anger, because that is most definitely a stage of grief (speaking from experience). This was my attempt at an exploration of those feelings.
I also just felt like we never really got to know Harriet that well, even though she was one of the main characters for the bulk of the show (or at least I considered her a main character) and I wanted to take this opportunity to flesh out her character some more. I didn't intend to for this story to turn into a character study of the JAG characters, but that's just the direction it took, and I figured there was no harm as long as I was able to still move to the plot along. Trust me, I could make a whole separate story that would just be me talking about each of the JAG characters, and the show as a whole, if I wanted to - and I might want to one day, who knows.
Anyways, this author's note has gone on long enough already, but I just have one more thing to say before I go. I know Tuesdays have unintentionally become my new update days, but I think I'm going to go back to updating on Fridays like I used to do. I think that, since this story was pre-written, the structure of having scheduled updates makes more sense, so that's what I'm going to try to do again :)
After all of that, thanks for reading!
-Harper