Disgaea Guild Adventure Squad

by Ironwatsas

Meet Sally! Red Mage & cutest lil' pyromaniac in the entire Netherworld! (*self proclaimed) With a spring in her step and a lil' flame in her heart, she and her retinue of infernal companions scamper across the Netherworlds, on a quest for Adventure! EXP! Items! And most importantly, Sweets! Will she fulfill her dream of becoming the Cutest Overlord Ever? Read to find out!

8. Chapter 8: House Hunting

Chapter 8 – House Hunting

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BGM: ~Disgaea D2 OST – Heaven's Blossom~
watch?v=8xYBJprfqVA&list=PLDvocklA9vWtz4cdJjtkMLn0moTPNZgvM&index=5

Early Morning, at Sally's House

A slumbering Skull snoozed soundly on Sally's sofa. Covered in a blanket with a blue prinny polka-dot pattern. Chest quietly rising and falling as his mind was filled with dreams. A serene scene, with the previous day's chaos and malaise is a distant memory at this hour.

In his mind, the magical boy was surrounded by a land of floating crystals, idyllic scenery, and blossoming flowers. A paradise world where he wandered forth, guided only by a formless, yearning desire. Everything he wanted seemed just ahead of him. His gems. His magical power. The praise of Arcanios. The liberation of the Academy.

All his desires seemed to merge into one being, positioned juuuuust out of reach. Running, skipping away from him. Wait, was that a person? An Angel mayhaps?

"I have everything you waaaaaant~ Everything you asked foooooor~" A voice sung up ahead. Effeminate, angelic, yet… really kinda dorky. It led the Skull to float through a forest. Well. Part forest, part Grocery Store produce section. With a liberal sprinkling of melted clocks everywhere because that's just how Dream worlds work sometimes.

The figure of desire stood atop a short yet unreachably tall dais in the center of some kind of psychedelic fractal alice-in-wonderland business, its form starting to fade in and out of view. It had… pigtails? And broken handcuffs attached to its wrists? And… a flowery dress?

"Come here~ Come here~! I have lots to show~ All your desires, your wants, you know~" The suspiciously healer-like figure, still an indistinct blur to the Skull's dreaming mind, spoke with a sing-songy voice. The wizard boy attempted to get closer, drawn, compelled to advance. But then, coming like a thunderclap, was an echoing Mage cackle. In a flash, great iron chains of torment came from around him. The background turned to flames. His hopes and dreams suddenly felt a thousand miles away.

He fought and battled against the chains, his magic rendered impotent as he was pulled back toward a burning abyss. But he fought, showing perseverance and grit, as he struggled through the increasingly dark dreamscape to get to his prize.

And then, through all that hardship, the chains loosed, and he stumbled forward, to look up toward the Angel of Light.

"Ahh! You did it! Your true skill and perseverance shone through! Now now~ I have all you want right here! Just lemme show you, it's all up here~" The figure showed as it reached down to sloooowly lift up the hem of it's flower-shaped skirt, from beneath emanated an unearthly light.

"Mhm~ Just watch, and lean in close, little closer, little more, aaaaaand DREAM PUNK'D, BEEYOTCH!"

A river of flame shot out from under the figure's unmentionable regions, flying into the dreaming wizard's face and jolting him from his slumber, only to find…

BGM: ~Disgaea 3 OST - 215 嵐が丘~
watch?v=rZHgh8P-KTU&list=PL5D6437A7EAC6A02D&index=33

-that he was now suspended in a metal cage being lowered into a lake of lava.

"HWAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!?"

"DO-VAAL-KEEE! DO-VAAL-KEEE!" Yasumi shrieked at the top of her lungs. Apparently, the poor Skull had been forcibly volunteered to become the star of some kind of Thugee blood sacrifice ritual. Sally's cottage has a basement with a convenient lava pit for this kind of task, as every good Netherworld house should.

"Rejoice, boy creature! Embrace flames! Let your flesh cook and boil! Your soul sing as it loosed from body! So sayeth Dolvalky! His hunger unsatisfied yet by you! Make sure to be cooked to 'well done'!" Yasumi incantated, while waving around what appeared to be a burning human heart. On closer inspection it was revealed to be a heart-shaped cat toy and it wasn't really on fire, but it did have a little jingle-bell in it. Low-budget sacrifice rituals like this require a bit of imagination.

Sally stood alongside Yasumi, shaking a pair of maracas enthusiastically and cackling with sadistic glee at the Skull's predicament. "C'mon! Don't be shy! Yasumi says you're gonna be the main ingredient of, like, the tastiest Demon Frittata ever!"

"Fritatta is for God. Have to pray hard to him to get him to share. Besides. Mage eats naught but sweets." Yasumi replied, with a bit of a huff. With as scrawny as the Skull is there's only going to be like one serving worth of him to go around.

"Oh… HL no!" The Skull panicked, feeling like a hash brown patty about to be lowered into deep fryer! Thinking fast, he began to wiggle his hand into his shorts pocket and grab his wand, despite being bound by the chains. With the tips of his fingers, he grabbed his wand, drew it out and called out a Houdini-tier escape spell. "Alhambramora!"

The spell worked. The locks holding the chains binding him miraculously but suddenly loosed. The latch holding the cage closed popped, nearly dropping him out of the bottom. The Quick-reflexed skull only grabbed the cage at the last second, the hot metal scorching his skin!

"HAAAAH! OW OW OW OW OW!" He shrieked, but he ignored the pain long enough to shimmy himself up the chain, clamoring onto solid ground next to the Mage and Shaman, then leaping back to put as much distance between himself and them as he could, hyperventilating all the whole.

"WHAT THE HL ARE YOU DOING?!" The frazzled and very-nearly fried Skull yelled, a look of sheer terror and trauma on his face.

"H…hey! How do you know you don't like being on fire if you never tried it?" Sally smiled, fluttering her eyes and swaying side to side, still shaking those Maracas in a festive manner.

"It burnt offering! Doesn't work unless actually burnt! Now get back in cage! Ritual not done yet and have to make God Breakfast!" Yasumi huffed, making a toothy scowl at the inadequately singed Skull.

"You two. Are. CRAZY! That's it! I don't care what the Dark Assembly says. I don't care what kind of contract you made me sign. I'm out. I am out of here!" The Skull exclaimed, before bolting upstairs and out of the Mage's cottage, intending to get as far away from those two as demonly possible.

"ACK! Offering got away! Breakfast is ruined! What we feed to God of Misfortune NOW?" Yasumi shrugged. Her ritual was ruined! Her meal of suffering denied!

"Mmmh… ooh! How about Toaster Strudels!" Sally suggested, her sweet tooth guiding her feelings.

"Have Strudel!? Strawberry kind or Cream Cheese kind?" Yasumi blinked. Seems Red was holding out on her.

"Uhmm… let's have one of each!" The Mage replied.

"Now you speaking like TRUE acolyte of Dolvalky! Let's go!" Yasumi cheered. Strudels beat eating the flesh and blood of the innocent any day!

---

BGM: ~Makai Kingdom OST - Intermission~
watch?v=nR78rv5lfEg&list=PLK_1tAVTWpKSMAsLtfTbEnporNaKQcf7d&index=13

Later, at Kimberley's back patio.

"I cannot. Live. With that… that… latent diabetic pyromaniacal shrew!" The Skull sternly complained, as he sat on a patio chair across the table from Kimberley. The boy was clearly quite cross. His skin still had a faint red discoloration on it from the fire, and the ends of his hair were a bit scorched. "Please. Tell me, Miss Kimberley. There has to be some way of getting out of this binding agreement."

For her part, Kimberley was at least mildly sympathetic… or well… as good at pretending she was sympathetic as a demon politician can be. "Well… Given the circumstances, you may file an appeal to the Dark Assembly's offices pending a formal review. Though I will warn you there is usually quite a backlog for soul-binding document forgery. Beyond that, there is little I can do. It is not my Department specifically, so my hands are largely tied on the matter."

"Gaaahhhhh! How am I supposed to resume my quest if I'm shackled to that wretched Mage until the Assembly can quit shuffling its feet? Wait no. Let me rephrase that. How far can I get from that Mage and still be legally in contact?" The Skull asked, his head hung low, glumly looking up toward the Archer.

"Mmmh. Well, that was the standard boilerplate demonic pact. The wording did not strictly define the bondage radius, however…" Kimberley put on her reading glasses as a Prinny strode over with a comically large legal book, straining as it set it on the ground next to the Archer (it was as tall as she was), who promptly opened it to a specific page.

"In accordance with Dark Assembly fallback legislation docket No. #2111111111111111216, section 4, article 3, you will remain bound to Hell's Half Acre until the contract can be annulled. Otherwise, if you wish to travel outside this Netherworld, you must accompany or be accompanied by either the Mage or a licensed Dark Assembly senator."

"…fantastic." The Skull sighed, face-planting on the table. This was a disaster. His quest put on hold through no fault of his own. "As long as I can stay out of her fire spell radius and away from her deranged minions."

"Yes. You should be fine as long as you are somewhere in town." Kimberley nodded slightly, her hair curls springing very lightly in the process. As ever, she maintained her regal composure even when breaking bad news to her clients. Ahh, especially when breaking bad news!

"So… what is the real estate market like around here, then?" The Skull begrudgingly asked. Seems he'll have to move shop into this one-horse-town and set up his magic research here.

"Well unfortunately it's a Seller's market right now. Demons are relocating from the more urbanized netherworlds due to the aftermath of the A-virus pandemic and the God of Destruction rampages to more idyllic surroundings. Dimensional gate telecommuting is becoming popular, you see. Your best bet would be to split the cost of an apartment with someone else." Kimberley suggested, always with her thumb on the financial markets around the myriad hells.

"Guuuhh… I'd prefer to live alone, if that's possible. I don't want to be distracted from my studies and my quest." The Skull nodded.

"Well, if you have the fiscal wherewithal to do so, that's fine. Unfortunately, we can't all be wealthy dark-assembly senators and tea magnates! Ohohohoho." Kimberley made a slightly smug gesture at that. "I speak in jest, of course. Tell me, you mentioned a Quest. Would you be willing to enlighten my curiosity about such?"

The Skull sighed. Perhaps speaking about his quest will get his mind off of his dire housing situation. "Well, if you must know. I am the last student of Arcanios the Great. Headmaster of the Magitopia academy. A vile temptress named Elanor and her coven descended on the Academy and used their powers to seduce and dominate the students and faculty."

"Elanor? I had heard about that on the Netherworld news, actually. It seems she enthralled the entirety of the Academy's student body, and now Skulls aren't even available at netherworld recruiting stations anymore." She nodded, thinking back to overhearing about it in the dark assembly office. "So how did you escape?"

"Well, my colleagues were, unfortunately, too weak willed and vulnerable to the Succubi's influence to defend themselves…" The Skull replied. Which, when you consider having a bunch of cloistered, repressed young boys of that age suddenly beset by an army of busty seductive demons, what else do you expect to happen? "I fortunately had the presence of mind not to fall for such vain and superficial charms and was able to make my escape. Ever since then, I've been searching for ingredients for a spell to counter Elanor's powers and take the academy back."

Kimberley nodded, though in her professional opinion she suspects the reason for his miraculous resistance might have had more to do with his proclivities toward a certain gender whom a suspicious Clergy happens (inexplicably) to be a member of… and that jogs her memory to something else mentioned by her assembly colleagues that day.

"So, you mentioned Elanor and her Coven. Were there any other demons in her retinue? Like for instance, a tall, suave, yet irredeemably bastardly male demon in a red coat?" She asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I don't know. I had to escape quickly, so I didn't have much time to investigate. All I know is Elanor has an army of Succubi at her command and is draining the students and the academy netherworld itself of its magic to become stronger. If she isn't stopped soon, all of Magitopia could be stripped of its magic and collapse into nothingness." The Skull responds, nodding slightly. Steepling his small fingers and looking over his specs at the archer, paying attention to her interest in the subject matter.

Kimberley mused for a moment. If Lunaris is somehow involved with all of this… well, even a stoic Archer's curiosity can get the better of her. "Well, since you're here now, perhaps I can pull strings to put your contract appeal to the top of the list, if you can help me with some fact finding about Elanor's companions."

"I… suppose it would be the least I can do to help." The Skull cracked a smile. The first time he's received any sort of help, even if it is a total quid-pro-quo, from any demon as long as he's been here.

"Splendid. So then… ahh, forgive my rudeness, but I don't think I got your name. I'll need it to fill out the appeal form." Kimberley responded, gesturing to another of her Prinny troupe, who brought her a pen and paper.

"Oh. Apologies for not mentioning it before. It escaped my mind. My name is… ?!" The Skull stopped mid-sentence. Then blinked a few times. His mind going completely blank. "My name is… uhh… uhh… wh…why can't I remember this?!"

"Oh… uhh…" Kimberley blinked a few times. Suspecting a bureaucratic oopsie is to blame. "…what name was put on that contract?"

"I don't know. I was unconscious! Someone forged my signature on it!" The Skull started to look increasingly concerned. He was starting to realize what was happening. "At least, I really hope it was my signature…"

"Oh my evilness. Well… ahh… if you didn't actually tell them your name, then… it may have inadvertently been legally changed to whatever they scribbled onto that paper." Kimberley shrugged.

The Skull's facial expression dropped immediately, to one that could best be described as 'Seriously?!' His eyes staring blankly ahead. Mouth awkwardly agape. Before he face-planted, once again, onto the patio table.

"Ahh, my sincerest apologies! Bureaucracy can be quite harsh and unforgiving at times, you see." Kimberley responded, with an apologetic expression on her face.

The Skull just glared at the Archer. "Aren't you the one who notarized it in the first place? Can't you un-notarize it? Why did you even give such legal power to that red Harridan anyway?"

"Ahh… ehhhh…." Now Kimberley was the one who looked flustered, looking aside with a shifty-eyed gaze. Professional mishaps, as it turns out. "Oh… well… I printed… eeeaahhh… maybe a few… hundred… of those contracts. I… believe I had quite a few too many Long Island Iced Teas that night, and Sally can be more convincing than she looks…"

The Skull just looked on with a deadpan 'what' sort of expression on his face.

Eager to jump to a new line of conversation, Kimberley quickly composed herself. "Ahh, speaking of refreshing things to drink. Might I interest you in some fine Tea right now? I'm certain a well brewed blend will lift your spirits and get your mind off of all of this red tape. Perhaps you'll become inspired to embrace your new life here."

"Tea? No thank you." The Skull shrugged. "I don't particularly have a taste for Tea. It doesn't have enough substance or mana boost effects for me. I only drink water or potions to boost my magic. Though we do have a certain mana-rich herbal tea brew we used to make at the… acada… my…"

Kimberley's eye twitched slightly as she suddenly glared. Directly through the Skull's soul.

"Ahh, I didn't quite catch that. Did you just say… Herbal? Tea?" The Archer asked. With a progressively unhinged looking expression on her face.

It was in this moment the Skull realized he had made a most, most unfortunate, slip of the tongue…

And somewhere off in the distance, Yasumi was cackling like a mad woman in cathartic delight at the boy's ill fortune...

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BGM: ~Disgaea 3 OST - 102 酔いどれStreet~
watch?v=-RT6Jjz0k0Y&list=PL5D6437A7EAC6A02D&index=2

Nearby

"Okay, Vinny. OKAY. VINNY! Jeez. Take a chill pill. Y'know… I mean, I do sell chill pills. I can hook you up, yeh? Yeh!" The Anti-Messiah spoke, talking to someone on his diePhone, while standing on the cul-de-sac corner between Sally and Kimberley's houses.

Whoever was on the other end of the line clearly wasn't thrilled with the direction the conversation was going. "Yeah. You keep sellin' those chill pills, so you can Get. Me. My. Money. Boss lady's patience is stretched reeeeeal thin 'ere, capiche?"

"Hookay, look! Vinny! It's like I told you. The big payday comes at the End of the World. Apocalypse. Judgement day. Y'hear me? I go up there, bamboozle some mortals, throw a boxing match with Big J., and then, oh and then, I get paid. And then you get your cut! I get off the hook. We both go our separate ways. I retire on a tropical island with a ton of busty cuties waiting on me hand and foot forever to coast off the fame and fortune. Everybody wins! Yeh?"

"That's what you said last month, kid. I'm still hangin' here! You keep goin' on and on about this Apocalypse scheme. When am I gonna get my freakin' money?" The angry man on the phone, 'Vinny', did not seem at all placated by the Clergy's explanations. Presumably he's heard this spiel before.

"Didn'cha pay attention at the Evil Academy? The part where they say 'No one knoweth the day and the hour 'cept the father'? Whaddidja get an F in your eschatology class?" The Anti-Messiah retorted, but it seems he wasn't the only one with sharped tongued wit around here.

"If we don't get paid soon, you're the one who's gonna get F'ed, right in the A. With a friggen jackhammer. Y'see, we know that little Item World warehouse you've been livin' in. If we don't get our payout by Friday, we're gonna come down there and extract all the cartilage from your body as collateral. Got it? Y'here me? By F-R-I-D-A-Y." Vinny responded, menacingly.

The Anti-Messiah cringed visibly at the mention of his secret healer hidey hole. He'd been trying to keep that under wraps! "Oh… uhh… y…yeah. Sure. Friday. Mhm, mhm!" He squeaked, jittering stressfully at the prospects of having his various bodily components harvested. As Ironic a turnabout as that would be. "Okay… uhh… so… ahh… 'chhhhhhh!' ahh! Goin' through a tunnel! 'chhhhhh!' don't get good reception in this dimension. Gotta run!"

The healer then abruptly hung up, and tossed the phone over his shoulder into the bushes. "Hooooo boy. Wellp, looks like I'm gonna have ta' find a new flophouse! Like, real damn quick!"

As he made his way up the street, the Anti-Messiah pondered his next move. He'd need to move his lab equipment, various experimental giblets, and find someplace he can take cuties back to in order to 'play doctor' with (it's 'playing' since he has no verifiable medical credentials of any kind)… and that line of thought quickly came to the question of 'where can I score a bunch of refrigerator boxes for cheap?'

As he continued to make his way along the street, pondering his housing predicament, he passed by Kimberley's own abode. In her backyard, he noticed a rather odd commotion. The Archer and that Skull from the other day seemed to be engaged in a rather passionate Tea re-education seminar…

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BGM: ~Disgaea D2 OST – You go girl!~
watch?v=gkmCeC1o5lg&list=PLDvocklA9vWtz4cdJjtkMLn0moTPNZgvM&index=34

"SAY IT AGAIN!" Kimberley, increasingly disheveled and irate, screamed at the Skull.

"HAAH! HAAAH! T...Tea is only legally defined as such when it is brewed over cured or fresh leaves of Camellia sinensis and all other substances claiming to be tea are in violation of netherworld authenticity agreements!" The panicked Skull spat out as fast as he could.

Currently he was tied to a tree. A large cluster of arrows were embedded in the tree trunk directly over his head. A slightly larger cluster was embedded between his legs.

Kimberley was… not pleased. Having decided the proper punishment for mentioning 'Herbal Tea' was to play a forcible game of William Tell, while drinking something from a tin flask which was, more than likely, not tea.

"SAY. IT. AGAIN." Kimberley demanded. Her usual stoic, upper crust, ladylike accent having slipped into something approximating that of an uncouth Australian backwoodswoman. Her veins were nearly popping out of her head and her hair curls were starting to become frizzy and disheveled. She poured another amount of what was presumably vodka into her tea, guzzled a bunch of it down, and proceeded to take aim.

She had long since run out of arrows. Now she was throwing anything sharp and projectile-like she could lay her hands on. An understandably nervous prinny brought her a box full of Tomahawks, while a second put another apple on top of the boy's head, and then abruptly scuttled clear. The Hatchet flew with incredible accuracy and cleaved the apple in twain, but the more she drank, the less and less accurate she was getting…

"Tea is only legally defined as such when it is brewed over cured or fresh leaves of… HEY! HEALER GUY! HELP! GET ME OUTTA HERE! SHE'S INSANE!" The Skull noticed the Anti-Messiah nearby, and proceeded to wiggle around in terror, making a begging, wide-eyed, pleading face at the healer.

As soon as he spotted the scene, it was obvious to the healer what happened. Been there, done that. "Pfffff… mentioned the forbidden beverage, didja?"

"Hhhheeyyy… there'sh no 'Heal' in 'Tea'. Now SAY THE LINE AGAIN." Kimberley slurred in her speech, as she struggled to aim a throwing hatchet and stand up straight at the same time. The Skull just made desperate, sad-puppy-dog eyes toward the Clergy.

"Twenty HL'll get ya outta this, kid." The Anti-Messiah, ever the cheerful swindler, grinned toothily and rubbed his fingers together in a 'listen to the money talk' gesture.

"Okay. Fine. 20HL! Just make the psycho tea lady stop!" The Skull responded, heedless of the consequences as long as it got him out of this predicament.

"Sweet! Pleasure doin' business with ya!" The Healer then drew his staff, and cast an 'Espoir' spell on Kimberley, absolving her of the 'angry drunk' status debuff and causing her to instantaneously snap back to her prim and ladylike persona.

"Oh?! Ahhh… thank you… I… needed that. Ehehehee… lost my cool there, for a moment! Please do not mention Herbal Tea. Thank you." Kimberley spoke, before untying the Skull, who immediately darted behind the Anti-Messiah to use as a meat shield.

"What about Coffee bean- MMMPH!" The Skull quickly covered the Healer's mouth as he blurted another forbidden beverage out. In the grand scheme of things, that was in both of their best interests. Kimberley doesn't lose her cool often, but oooh boy when she does…

"My sincerest apologies for that! I'm just so passionate about Tea that I can't help myself sometimes. So please, let's just… forget this ever happened. Because if you ever mention this again, I'll have you both killed." The Archer bowed apologetically, in that same stoic and regal voice she's known for.

"Yep. Mhm. Right. Nothin' happened. See ya later!" The Anti-Messiah wisely decided to not question it and skedaddle, quickly vacating Kimberley's property and heading up the street.

BGM: ~Disgaea 5 OST –Who are you?~
watch?v=zsefcRnvupU&list=PLDvocklA9vWtZgoQHXuvui4tR8mdLxTGN&index=5

The Skull followed, eager to get away from the crazy place. "Everyone in this town is a complete raving psychopath!"

"Pfff… no duh! We're demons! Sociopathic slapstick at others' expense is, like, our freaking jobs. That Skull academy of yours have you livin' in solitary confinement or something?" The Anti-Messiah explained, dubious of the Skull's inexperience with the general wackiness of the Netherworld.

"For your information… The Magitopia academy is a place of erudite study into the blackest of magics and the vilest of occult and eldritch knowledge. There's no room for… slapstick. Any deviation from ritual or protocol can court disaster when dealing with such fearsome powers." The Skull huffed, crossing his arms over his chest and making a snobby look on his face.

"Mhm, yeah. Great. But y'see, this is the real world. Uhh… Nether world. You got no 'people skills'. In my business, you have to be wise to crazy demon shenanigans. Otherwise you get screwed by the paperwork. Harvesting the souls of mortals or heralding Armageddon both take some interpersonal tact. Y'know what I think… you gotta forget about all that stuffy magic tome book stuff and get someone to teach ya' about un-life on the street. Y'get me?" The Anti-Messiah draped his arm over the Skull's shoulders, as he started to get an idea that would solve his housing problem.

"Hmmfp! I don't need a teacher. I was taught by the greatest Wizard of an age. Arcanios the Great. I don't need to learn about… street stuff." The Skull spoke, obstinate to the Clergy's inane ramblings. But as the impromptu rescuer pushed his body up close, the other boy's willpower slowly started to break. "…although, hypothetically… just what are you proposing."

"I'm glad you asked!" The Anti-Messiah twirled away like a ballerina, coming to rest in front of the Skull, then put on his best sales pitch. "A lil' birdie told me you were fed up with livin' with Red. I know the feeling. Diabetes levels of cute, but a real handful, that one. And as luck would have it, I too need to move my operations due to some… uhh… undesired scrutiny to the effect of having my faceparts rearranged. Sooooo… you need a place to stay, I need a place to stay, so let's split the cost of a pad. Just you and me! No psycho Mages, no tea addict Archers. Just two bachelors livin' the dream and performing biblical horrors on the unsuspecting masses. Sound good?"

"Wait wait wait wait, you want me to live with you?!" The Skull blinked a few times, his cheeks tinting red. He'd been trying to deny his feelings since his arrival. The increasing schoolboy crush he had on this… rather eccentric clergy. But after having been saved by him, and potentially having his biggest… well, second or third biggest problem right now solved…

"This all sounds too good to be true… what's the catch." The Skull was still skeptical. The Healer had 'shady con man' written all over him. Which, well considering he was the Anti-Messiah, he was kind of the ultimate con-man.

"Uhh… catch is we gotta, y'know, find a place. Dunno what it is about this town, but it's a seller's market, and I don't have enough HL to make a down payment…" The Healer shrugged.

"Yeah. I heard. Don't look at me because I don't have that kind of money either." The Skull grimaced, frowning sharply and glaring at the healer.

"Aww darn it. Wellp! Plan B then! We gotta do this the proper Demon way. Find some other dumb schmuck's joint, murder them in the face to death, take it over, and forge our signatures on the deed. Then boom! Plan's fool proof!" The Clergy cheered.

The Skull cracked a smile at that. If there's one thing he can do its combat magic. And after all he's been through, he has plenty of pent up stress and an itchy hexing finger that he'd be more than willing to vent on some random homeowner. "Y'know, that's the least idiotic thing I think I've heard since I came to this Netherworld. Not that that's a high-bar to cross. I know this is going to come back to bite me in the ass, but then again literally everything else that's happened here already has. I'm in."

"Great! Sweet! Best decision of your pathetic life! Now, gather your stuff and meet me at the town square at seven. We're goin' House Hunting! Uhuhuhuhuhu…" The Clergy grinned maniacally and wrung his hands villainously. It was going to be more like homeowner hunting.

And he already knew just the place to start…

---

BGM: ~Disgaea D2 OST – Next Departure~
watch?v=5PUwJ42f200&list=PLDvocklA9vWtz4cdJjtkMLn0moTPNZgvM&index=7

That afternoon, at Mt. Ordeal training grounds

"Okay, Ladies and… boy! Listen up!" Violet bellowed, curling her metal gloved hand into a fist and taking a combat stance. "You all performed well in our last adventure, but the only way to keep our skills sharp and level up is by training. And the most efficient way to do that is to grind Mt. Ordeal, the Netherworld's premier training ground!"

Before Violet sat Ari, Robin, Momoko, and Yasumi. None of whom looked particularly enthused to be here. Sally at least had the presence of mind to decide to suddenly play hide and seek when Violet mentioned 'training', throwing her friends under the bus in her stead by lying and saying it was an All-you-can-eat Pizza/Fruit Salad/Seafood/Demon Innards buffet.

"We don't wanna train. We want Pizza." Ari quietly demanded, putting on an expressive poker face as he floated there. Presumably displeased at being bamboozled in such a way.

"What's a 'training'? Is it a fruit?" Robin asked, flitting about excitedly as she watched the various other Demons who had taken to their own practice fields.

"I think it's a thing that rides down tracks that you can use to get to places." Ari responded, enlightening poor empty-headed Robin. The concept of repetitive physical exertion being both entirely alien and completely unappealing to either of them.

"Oh, no no no no. Training is something you do to become stronger so you can really wreck people's faces." Violet interjected, portraying an erudite aura of strength and power.

"We can already do that." Ari retorted.

"Wrecking faces sounds mean! I don't wanna do anything mean. I wanna tell people they have really nice faces!" Robin, with her disgustingly heartwarming innocence, fluttered over to Yasumi. "You have a… uhh… nice face?"

The teeth were kind of much though… Yasumi just glared, with a surly scowl, and did not respond.

"Sure you can, but only in low-tier item worlds. If you want to play in the big leagues, you have to practice, practice, practice!" Violet punched her fist into the palm of her opposite hand. "Don't you want to go visit the Land of Carnage someday?"

"No." Ari bluntly replied.

"No! That place sounds scary!" Robin chirped.

"In ways you can only imagine, nyao." Momoko added. She was sitting on her paws and scratching the back of her hat ears with her hind leg as a cat would.

"We were promised a pizza party." Ari asserted, glaring at the Armor Knight, unaware the party was just a Mage fib.

Violet just sighed. "Okay, fine. How about we do it this way. If you can train hard and each rank up by, mmmh, ten levels today. I'll take you all to go get Pizza when we're done."

"How about five levels?" Ari counter-offered, in his unexpressive emotionless voice.

'This guild is hopeless' Violet thought to herself. "Fine, five levels. Now anyway, let's get to training. We only have this spot for an hour and I fully intend to make the most of it."

The adventure squaddies stood on the edge of one of several small arenas made of large stone tiles. This public training park area was built on one of the lower plateaus of the mountain. The hardcore grinding zones at the summit were usually reserved for Overlords. Multiple small training grounds lined the path, along with a few covered pavilions and gazebos in an eastern style with a lot of dragon motifs. A great waterfall flowed down behind the arena plateau, which overlooked a cliff and an endless sea of clouds.

The training grounds were busy this time of day. On the right of the Adventure Squad's reserved arena, a Martial Artist was sparring with a Bouncer. On another across the path, an Onmyo Monk was practicing his Katas and geomancy skills. To their left, a Beast Tamer was instructing a group of Petite Orcs to arrange themselves into some kind of human pyramid. Made of orcs.

"This training looks kinda dumb…" Ari observantly spoke.

"Training is not dumb!" Violet huffed. "Anyway… since it's your first training session since… well… ever, we'll start with something easy." The armored woman spoke, before tapping her boot on a loose tile on the ground. A small pedestal emerged from the ground with a button on it which, when pressed, caused several training dummies to poof into being on the opposite end of the arena.

"We'll start with basic forms and stances, then move on to basic strikes and normal attacks using these dummies as targets. Momoko, since you're the most experienced here, you can go first and show the others how it's done." Violet suggested.

The thief shrugged. "I can't steal anything from dummies, nyao, but sure I guess. I'm takin' a cat nap when this is all over though." Momoko spoke, before striding into the ring, doing a few brief warm-up stretches, and putting her thieving face on. "Okay so first, you gotta scope out the joint. Watch for any sentries. Then advance quietly and with cat-like tread. See how I'm doing?"

"Mhm, mhm! We can see you!" Robin chirped excitedly.

"Okay. That's bad. You're not supposed to see me, nyao. But anyway, pretend like you can't." Momoko replied. A visible thief isn't doing her job right!

"Oh, okay, okay! I get it now!" Robin chirped, before covering her eyes with her tiny fairy hands.

"Fine." Ari also closed his eyes, covering with his own hands in an imitation of robin.

"Yep. That's step one. Step two is the part that takes practice and skill. So observe carefully…" Momoko exclaimed, before displaying for the guild what a Master Thief can do.

She broke into a run, with her feline reflexes in full swing, before Leaping into a midair cartwheel, and using her high MV and SPD stats to weave between the training dummies at blinding speed. Since the dummies had nothing to steal, she instead reached into her pocket to pull out a handful of post-it-notes, each with a little cat-face scribbled on, and slapped each dummy with one as she wove by.

Then, the big getaway! She went low, dodging side to side, weaving through imaginary counterattacks to extract her imaginary haul, before triumphantly skidding to a halt across the training ground, and clapping the dust from her gloves. "There, that's how it's done! Now, you see how I did my technique, nyao?"

"No. You told us we weren't supposed to see." Ari was still covering his eyes.

"What's a 'Technique?' Is it like a 'Training?'" Robin was also covering her eyes.

Momoko shrugged audibly. "…seriously, you guys? Yasumi, at least tell me you… *sigh*"

Yasumi was spaced out completely, staring up at the mountain and wondering how easily it'd be to cause an avalanche, having totally missed Momoko's performance. Only when she heard her name called did she snap to attention. "Oaaa! Yah yah yah! Saw cat dance. Was great. Bravo." She clapped a few times.

Momoko didn't deign to offer a response, instead turning her head to look over to Violet, who was scrolling through social feeds on her phone. She then buried her face directly into the palm of her hand.

"….nnnh, whatever. Your turn, I guess." The thief grumbled as she trudged aside.

"My tuuuuuurn!" Robin chirped excitedly, as she fluttered onto the field. Facing the training dummies and putting her tiny fairy hands on her equally small fairy hips. "Today I'm going to sing you all a song!" She proclaimed, before darting down, picking a dandelion that was growing between the cracks in the ground, and holding it up as if it were a microphone. "Ready? And a one and a two and a…

~Crackers and Caramels, Marshmallows and Crèmes!~

~Sunshine and Rainbows and Flowers and Dreams!~

~Fruit cups and Daisies and Apples and Oranges!~

~Fairies bring joy to all friends and… and…. Uuu… Udonges!?~ "

There was a short silence.

"Did she… Did she find something that Rhymes with Orange?!" Momoko was shocked. She nervously looked around to make sure the sky wasn't about to implode and reality about to collapse into itself at such an event.

"What's an Udonge?" Ari asked.

"Some kinda useless moon bunny only good for sex appeal, or so I heard, nyao." Momoko replied. Probably something picked up from the Toto Bunny gossip mill.

"Bunny…?" Yasumi asked, seeing red at the mention of her most ancient and hated foe. She bared her sharp teeth and wrung her hands menacingly.

"Ahh, Robin, that was… a splendid song, but… ahhh… I don't think it'd be very helpful in combat. I know making people happy and full of smiles is a fairy's calling in life, but sometimes you need to make people unhappy, so that it's more meaningful when they become happy later! And the fastest way to do that is to sock them in the face. Do you understand?" Violet walked over, her boots clanking against the ground as she did so. She never thought she'd have to explain the concept of violence in such an elementary manner…

"Oooohhh… I think I get it…" Robin rubbed her tiny chin as she pondered what Violet was getting on about.

"Great! Now, we just need to find you a suitable weapon. Fairies are monster-type demons, so what do we have in our inventory in the monster-weapons department?" Violet asked.

"We have this." Ari presented a pair of oven mitts, with a sky blue and yellow sunflower pattern on them.

"Ahhh! Those are so pretty! Those are for me, lil' bro?" Robin cheered. Why Ari is the lil' bro is anyone's guess. Fairy logic.

"Mhm. Here. Take one." Ari nodded, and floated over to Robin, who held out her arm. The oven mitt fit snugly over her hand. And arm. And head. And torso. To the point that she was now just a pair of tiny legs sticking out of a floating oven mitt.

"Oooh, It's dark in here!" Robin chirped, as she began to blindly float and flutter in random directions.

Violet was about to open her mouth to explain how this wasn't going to work, but she stopped herself. It was just too cute. She just smiled. "Ahh, be careful and try to watch where you're going."

"Okay, I think it's Yasu's turn nya- *mmf!*" Robin fluttered directly into Momoko's face, effectively delivering an open-palmed oven mitt slap mid-sentence. A damage number over her head displayed '-10 HP'. The damage to her dignity, however, may never recover.

There was a short silence.

"Uhh… Yasumi? Would you like to take a turn?" Violet suggested, eager to get the training session back on track.

Yasumi was unmoved by Robin's shenanigans. Still with a murderous bloodlust due to the mentioning of a bunny. "These training dummies, yeh?"

"Yes." Violet nodded. That was… kind of obvious.

"Dummies feel pain, yeh?" Yasumi asked.

"No. They're dummies." Violet replied.

Yasumi was clearly disappointed. "Dummies made of flesh? Bone? Have blood and organs inside?"

"No, Yasumi. They're dummies." Violet sighed.

"Nnnnh… not interested then! Cannot get into it if dummies not scream and seethe in woe and ill-tidings. What is point even? Dolvalky is not dummy and demands all acts of violence have purpose as sacrifice!" Yasumi complains, raising her arms and stomping her feet in a sort of curse dance tantrum.

Violet stiffened her stance and stood upright. Her conviction adamant. "Fine then. But you don't get any Pizza if you do not train. That was the deal."

"I'll take her turn if she doesn't want any." Ari suggested. Anything to get to the Pizza part faster.

"No no no! Want Pizza! Will train! Will train!" Yasumi nodded very quickly, nearly losing the skull from atop her head. She's at least worldly enough not to let the ritualistic savagery and carnage in praise of her dark god get between herself and free pizza.

"Splendid! Carry on then! I'd like to see how your techniques compare. If you both do well, I'll even get you some of those garlic bread and cheese dippy sticks too." Violet clapped, her metal gauntlet making a loud 'clank' as she does so.

But then… another voice breaks the ambient noise of training grunts and exertion.

"Hmmfp! You know… Pizza and Garlic Bread are both loaded with gluten and saturated trans fats. They'll clog your arteries and undo all the gains you've gotten from your training!"

BGM: ~Disgaea 4 OST – Tri Angel~
watch?v=ZW6khIxSnbU

A pair of silver armored greaves plant themselves on the ground. Strong yet ladylike hands rest within fingerless leather gloves, with two small belts as wristbands. Another belt lies along a slim waistline over top of a pair of bike shorts. Yet another belt is wrapped around an even more slim chest. And a head of short, green spiky hair, held up by a headband, frames a look of grit and determination.

There can be no mistake, a mighty warrior now stands before the Adventure Squad. The paragon of fitness! The patron saint of belt fashion! Master of the Sword and Spear!

"Who are you supposed to be just givin' us dietary advice outta the blue, nyao?" Momoko quipped.

"Why I'm glad you asked that." The girl beamed, as Momoko helpfully gave her a hook for a dramatic introduction. "For I am none other than the one! The only! The Demon of Fitness! The Eidolon of Exercise! Alessa the Valkyrie!" She exclaimed.

"Oaaaa! Why fitness? Sloth is virtue to Demon!" Yasumi groaned. Confused and displeased at the display of the Warrior.

"Perhaps, but. And this is a big one. I also want all of my good belts to fit comfortably! And that won't happen if I'm out of shape." Alessa responded, hopping side to side to limber up.

"Hmm… good point, nyao. You dooooo have a lotta belts…" Momoko added. Eying them with larcenous intent.

Fortunately for Alessa's modesty, the thief was pre-empted by Violet, who stood firm before the guild. "Hmm. Well, you do offer very sound dietary advice. But tell me, why bother volunteering this information to us?"

"Well, you see…" Alessa rubbed the back of her head awkwardly, looking off to one side. "…I wanted to do my Pilates routine, but all the other spots are occupied, so I'm waiting for one to open up."

"Kekeke. The great equalizer!" Yasumi cackled.

"I see. Well, if you like, you can come practice with us. Someone who actually appreciates hardcore training as opposed to guzzling down those scammy fad diet EXP potion milkshakes is always welcome in my book." Violet agreed, before doing a dramatic pose for her own introduction.

"I am Violet, the Coral Knight! Servant of Kimberley the Arc-" She sighed, remembering the paperwork kerfluffle from before. "I mean, Sally the Mage. I and the Demons with me represent the Disgaea Guild Adventure Squad. We're here today to conduct some strength training and power leveling."

"Oh! That new adventure guild in town? I found some crudely drawn fliers strewn all over the place the other day. I went to the Dark Assembly to ask about it, but someone had apparently sacrificed all of the clerks and made a mural with their insides." Alessa nodded.

Yasumi blinked, whistling conspicuously nonchalantly and wavering around in a 'wasn't me' sort of gesture. Momoko just glared at her, with a shifty-eyed gaze.

"Splendid. Sally did mention that we should be on the lookout for new recruits. I suppose I can introduce you to her later. In the meantime, you can train with us. I'd like to see what you can do. Feel free to try out your moves on those dummies-" Violet gestured over to the dozen or so training dummies.

Except they had been thoroughly trashed while everyone was distracted by Alessa's arrival. Ripped to shreds and scattered all over the place without anyone noticing. Ari was nonchalantly floating next to the pile, his face the same emotional black hole as always. "I'm done training. Let's get pizza."

Meanwhile, Momoko meandered over to the warrior, grinning her trademark rascally grin as she greeted the new arrival. "The name's Momoko. Master Thief extraordinaire. Pleased to meetcha, nyao."

The cat burglar extended her paw glove to shake Alessa's hand. "And this over here is my buddy Yasumi. Our resident curse salesgirl."

"Yes! Can get once-in-lifetime offers on curse! Wards! Hexes! If order now, can get up to seven years' bad luck for all family members!" Yasumi added, eager to dispense misfortune on someone new.

"Ahh, yes. Ehh… the pleasure is mine." Alessa blinked, keeping her distance from the Shaman. She was wise to their foul arts. She also noted the Thief… and the fact that the thief was now wearing her bracelet belts. "…hey!"

"Relaaaax. You have plenty more, nyao." Momoko reluctantly gave back the bracelet belts when Violet gave her a stern glare.

"Hi! I'm Robin! This is my brother Ari!" A floating oven mitt darted over and presented itself. Alessa shook it as if it were a disembodied hand.

"I'm Ari." The human boy spoke, in a quiet deadpan.

"Ahh, a pleasure to meet all of you, it seems. Clearly you have quite a colorful cast of characters in your guild." The Warrior nodded in response, as she put her bracelets back in their place of honor.

"So then! How about a friendly spar, miss Alessa? I'm always looking to test my metal against a worthy opponent. After all, doing it alone is no substitute for the real thing." Violet suggested, drawing her spear and twirling it around in a showy manner, before placing the hilt of the handle into the ground.

"Gladly! It's been a while since I've fought an Armor Knight. Don't underestimate me though. A lot of girls who thought themselves impenetrable have had their willpower ground down by my Big Snake!" The Warrior drew her blade, a Rank 14 sword, pulling it from the scabbard across her back and holding the sword across her shoulder in a tough girl sort of pose.

"My my, that is a Big Snake for such a little girl. But do you think it's any match for a proud knight's true weapon? Behold! My Golden Lance!" Violet twirled her powerful Rank-22 spear like a cheerleader's baton, before adopting a battle pose and pointing it toward her sparring partner.

"Oh my evilness, that is long." Alessa blinked at the sight of it. "So, Violet. You know how to use that thing? Or are you armor knights all take and no give?"

"Why don't you come over here and find out?" Violet held out her arm level, and curled her fingers toward herself in a 'bring it' gesture. And so, the battle was on!

Alessa quickly proved her mastery of her own physique, charging into the fray, and easily avoiding the jabs and pokes of Violet's initial thrusts, slashing with her blade at the weak spots of her foe's armor. Alas, there seemingly were none, as the blade hit nothing but metal. "Gosh, you really are impenetrable!"

"Now now, Alessa? Don't give up so soon. You're never gonna get anywhere with a big sword unless you have some stamina to back it up!" Violet responded, pole-vaulting forward with her spear and making a heavy overhand strike to bring it down on Alessa, who deftly dodged to one side, as the blow shattered the stones where she had just been standing.

"I'll show you stamina! I'll never lose to your golden lance!" She countered, bringing her sword up and parrying the spear. The sparring continued, back and forth, with Alessa's mobility making Violet unable to score a solid hit, but the Armored Knight's high DEF meant that the warrior's attacks pinged harmlessly off.

Ari just stared blankly, quickly tiring of the innuendo-laced scuffle. "I'm outta here. Let's go get Pizza." The boy spoke, before floating down the path down the mountain.

"Good call. These two lovebirds are gonna be at it for a while." Momoko hopped down from her perch and scampered off right after him. "Don't hog all the Pizza, kid. I want Anchovies on mine, nyao."

Ari visibly gags at the mention of anchovies. "Yuck..."

"Oaaa! I want three meat!" Yasumi added, following along as well, leaving the worked-up Armor Knight and Valkyrie to battle it out. Neither of whom seemed to notice the others having left the scene.

"Hey hey! Where's everyone going? Can I have a candy gummi pizza- oof!" Robin, still wearing that oven mitt, flew directly into Alessa's face, resulting in a comical mitten slap and stopping the sparring match dead in its tracks.

There was a short silence.

---

BGM: ~Disgaea 3 OST - 203 魔界のフーガ~
watch?v=EyiWFo27RKc&list=PL5D6437A7EAC6A02D&index=21

That Night, at Hell's Half Acre cemetery

"Seriously? A Graveyard? This is your idea of 'prime real estate?'" The Skull shrugged.

The duo of the Skull and Clergy had arrived at the city mortuary on the far edge of town. A spooky full moon hung in the sky overhead, briefly eclipsed as a flock of bats flew before it. Owls hooted from the dark woods in the background. All the trees were leafless and made ominous scraping and creaking noises as the wind blew through them. Yep, checking all the boxes for 'stereotypical Halloween graveyard ambiance'.

"Yep! It's perfect! Since all the residents are dead, that's half our job already done for us. Plus, all these shallow graves mean I can mine the joint for corpse bits to use for my medical experiments. And the best part of all, this is as far away as you can get from Red's house in town." The Clergy chirped, thumping his chest proudly.

The Healer was pulling a little red wagon he stole from the Mage which was packed to the gills with various cardboard boxes full of test tubes and medical devices of dubious purpose, other cardboard boxes full of 'anatomical reference magazines', various magical gubbins and know-wots, and a large, bloody cooler with the words 'Ludicrous Gibs!' written on the side.

The Skull meanwhile, had a large backpack, containing what of his possessions and tomes he was able to salvage from his study. And curiously enough, something lumpy started moving around in there of its own accord. The top flap of the backpack popped open to reveal…

…a slumber cat! "Nyara Nya!" The cat mewled adorably.

(Translation: RELEASE ME THIS INSTANT, VILE MORTAL, OR THE SUFFERING I SHALL AFFLICT TO YOUR CALF MUSCLES SHALL BE MADE LEGEND!)

"That's a Cat!" The Anti-Messiah helpfully pointed out.

The Skull removed the cat from the backpack and held it in his arms. "Well, yes. Every wizard needs a cat as a familiar after all. It would be both unprofessional and unfashionable not to have one."

"Oi! Pets weren't part of the deal. I don't want the thing spreadin' dander everywhere or clawing up the upholstery. You'd better make sure to train that thing to pee outside if ya plan on keepin' it around." The Anti-Messiah huffed.

"Myaooowaaaaaoooh" The familiar, going by the name 'Operation Catsaber', mewled, while pawing in the general direction of the Anti-Messiah.

(Translation: REMEMBER YOUR PLACE, CRETAN! IT IS YOU WHO ARE THE PETS HERE. YOU HAVE NO COMMAND OVER MY PEE!)

"I think the cat's hungry. Better feed it." The Healer squeaked, not quite picking up on the subtext of the catsaber's mewlings.

"Uuumywaaaaa!" The Slumber cat mewled adorably as it was set down by the Skull. It then started rubbing up against his legs as he rummaged through his backpack for a tin of sardines.

(Translation: THE TACTLESS KNAVE IS CORRECT. GRANT ME MY NIGHTLY OFFERINGS AND YOU MAY YET LIVE TO SEE THE MORN.)

"Mhm. Sure, sure. Now… back to the original matter at hand. I mean, I love that it's far away from that blighted maniacal girl creature, but… how the HL are we supposed to live in a damn graveyard?" The Skull spoke, as he provided the sardine tin to the small cat monster.

"Right over there, kid!" The Clergy pointed over to what appeared to be an undertaker's house in the center of the whole affair, under a huge spooky oak tree and surrounded by crooked headstones and spiky iron fences. "Trust me, I did my research. Full Three-Two. City water. Good schools. Easy commute to the RosenQueen stores. Ooh! And it even has a laundry chute!"

"Oh… well… I suppose that should prove… adequate for now. But still… it's in a graveyard. Aren't you worried about the living dead rising, breaking in at night, and eating your brains?" The Skull asked, staring at the overconfident clergy.

"Pfff, whaaaaaat? Kid scared of a few zombies? Puh-leeze. They're not gonna eat our brains if we put a lock on the freezer. Right? Right!" The Clergy scoffed.

This statement probably raises more questions than answers about what he had in that cooler…

"I… uhh… wh… okay. I'm not even going to ask." The Skull groaned.

"Now c'mon. Let's clear this joint out. It's getting' late and I got stuff here I gotta get in the fridge quick." The Healer chirped, as he made his way forward, through the spooky ambiance of the nighttime graveyard, down the crooked cobblestone path that led to the front door.

The Clergy made a knock knocknocknock knock upon the door. "Attention, resident! Publisher's Charnel House here! Congratulations, you've won our grand prize! Please step outside to accept your award!" The Anti-Messiah lied, equipping his staff and planning to sucker punch whoever came to the door with it as soon as it opened.

Aside from the droning chirp of crickets, there was dead silence.

Again, the Clergy knocked on the door. "C'mon c'mon! This biiiiiig ol' stupidly large check that totally exists won't cash itself!"

Nothing.

"I don't think anyone's home. Are you sure anyone actually lives here?" The Skull asked. The whole place looks as run down and spooky as the rest of this graveyard. But, then again, so does literally every other house in the Netherworld except Kimberley's.

"I'm sure of it. I scoped out the joint earlier. My Clergy senses are picking up over-the-airwaves rabbit-ear free TV signals and the stench of fresh mulch. Someone, or something lives here." The Anti-Messiah replied, concentrating to use his Clergy Senses. His pigtails beginning to articulate and move in different directions of their own accord while the rest of him stood ramrod still.

Except that he was wrong about one thing. Specifically, the 'living' here part.

Suddenly, the door of the house flew open. A musty grave-like stench blustered forth, accompanied by a spooooky low howl! Inside was pitch black, like the interior of a tomb. But something was clearly moving inside. A horror from beyond the grave, which shambled forth with a thump, and a hop, and a wheeze, before thrusting forth into the moonlight.

"HEY YOU DARNED KIDS! GET OFF MY LAWN!" The homeowner, a Zombie, spoke. In a stereotypical toothless old-man voice. Clearly agitated about being awoken from his eternal slumber.

"GAH!" The Skull jumped back, more out of surprise than the inherent scariness of the zombie. No, this was a far more existential, muted terror of aging.

"Ahh. There ya' are. I knew you were in there. Oi! Slim-jim! We're the corpse cleanup crew! City says you're cloggin' up the sewer lines with rotten meat dandruff. What's left of your ass is getting' evicted!" The Clergy put on a tough-guy act, holding his staff over his shoulder like a baseball bat.

It wasn't at all intimidating coming from a stick-figure like boy in a dress.

"OH no! No you did not! Nobody talked to me like that when I was fightin' for your freedom back in the Nether World War against the Lost! You kids these days got some nerve. Back in mah' day, we didn't accept no hand outs! We walked through fifteen different dimensional portals to run our paper routes sonny. In the snow! Uphill! Both ways!" The crotchety old Zombie barked, clearly incensed at these young whippersnappers thinking they can raid his retirement home like this.

"Wow, sucks to be you! Now c'mon, clear outta here. You're legally dead so I'm claimin' the deed on this joint. You don't needda commute to work every day and I do!" The healer snarked right back, placing one hand atop the other on top of his staff, and planting the bottom of it into the dirt. A magic circle began to appear on the ground beneath his feet.

"I don't gotta take this crap from you. I paid into the system all my after-life and this is how I get rewarded? You can't take my house and that's final, you entitled little whipper-snappers!" The Zombie complained yet again, before turning to face the graveyard itself. "Hey boys! Stand two! We got Charlies in the perimeter! Charlies in the perimeter!"

Seems that the impromptu war flashback was enough to rouse the dead, as grave after grave suddenly erupted in a geyser of dirt and splinters, as Zombie after Zombie rose from its final resting place. Each groaning ominously as it shambled forth to begin to surround the uppity Clergy and Skull. A few ghosts materialized as well, attracted by the forthcoming turbo-spooking.

"Ohjeezthatsalottadeadguys!" The Clergy squeaked, the bluster exiting his sail as he noticed the sheer number of undead now converging on them.

"Yes I see that. By my calculations, we're outnumbered about um… one metric buttload to three!" The Skull replied, being forced closer to the healer, standing back to back with him.

"Mewmewmew!" The Catsaber mewled, having taken cover up in the tree. It waved bye bye with its paw at the rather doomed looking duo. All while stuffing sardines into its maw and watching the show.

(Translation: DRAW ME NOT INTO YOUR FOOLISH CRUSADE. THIS ERRAND IS BENEATH ME. I SHALL SIT UPON MY PERCH AND SAVOR THE SANGUINE SPECTACLE OF YOUR ABUSE!)

The Anti-Messiah just glared… or did whatever the Clergy equivalent of a glare is, toward the Catsaber. "Kid, your cat sucks."

"Tell me about it…" The Skull rolled his eyes as well.

"Hookay, fine. You bunch of walkin' pepperoni sticks wanna play it that way? Fine. Kid, here's how this is gonna go down. I'll buff ya, then you do some of that crazy magic school b.s. you were talking about and smoke these wieners. Kay?" The Anti-messiah sassily commanded, as he began conjuring up his phantasmal mendicants, drawing forth a boost of mana from the aether and concentrating it around himself.

"Riiiight…" The straight-laced Skull simply nodded, drawing his wand from his pocket, touching the tip to the fingers on his opposite hand, and moving it in a semicircular arc. A string of arcane lightning extended from his fingertips to the end of the wand, crackling as he began to weave it in patterns in front of himself.

"Enough horsin' around men! Time to get medieval on these uppity whippersnappers and show 'em some respect for their elders!" The resident undead of the place commanded. The horde of zombies proceeded to advance, closing in around the Clergy and Skull.

BGM: ~Timesplitters OST – Haunted Mansion~
watch?v=20xIgttkROo&list=PL8B1A1FD08297B642&index=7

"Alright, kid! Here, have some murder juice!" The Anti-Messiah cackled, raising his staff and casting his 'Spiritual Gain' buff upon both himself and the skull, boosting spiritual power a bit.

The Skull felt his mana blaze to life, his magical power and stamina doubling in a flash. Which is good, as he had lost his high-end staff and grimoire in the chaotic maelstrom which had brought him to this world. Still, he had his wand, his wits, and a questionably stable pocket medic at his back.

"Let's clear the small fry out first, then go for the big one." The Skull bespoke, before whipping the lightning string around into a searing bolt of purple energy, which morphed into a sigil up over his head, from the sigil descended a torrent of raw celestial energy. 'Giga Star!'

The blast struck all the tiles around himself and the Anti-Messiah, clearing out the initial wave of zombies, disintegrating them with the pure power of the cosmos. Magic in its most unbridled and raw form. Only a truly skilled expert could wield such phantasms. At least the Skull likes to tell everyone.

Really you can learn star magic in one of those online self-help courses in like a week.

"Groooaaaarrrrrr!" The Zombies bellowed. The Skull and Healer had cast their first spells. Now it was their turn. The undead had numbers on their side, and fully intended to use them. A whole horde of shambling corpses put their oversized, mummy-wrapped hands together, unleashing a simultaneous barrage of 'Zombie Gatling' attacks with a few 'Hyper Zombeams' mixed in for good measure.

The fusillade of necrotic bullets and energy blasts forced the Skull and Clergy to dive for cover in different directions behind the nearest headstones. "GYAH! Too much Dakka!"

"Oh, ya think!" The Skull snarked, even as he covered his head and tried to think of a plan.

While the first squad of like fifteen or so zombies let loose with suppression fire, another group came in from the flanks, surrounding the Anti-Messiah and cutting of his escape route. Several ghosts provided air support, floating down from the sky and surrounding the Skull.

However, before they could attack, their turn ended. The Zombie squad having to reload their ammo or something, giving the Clergy and Skull an opening for a counterattack!

The Healer emerged from behind the headstone, dusted off his shoulder, and let out a huff. "Alright you chumps. Last time I checked, shooting a medic was a war crime! And I've got your special appointment with the Hague special tribunal right here!"

The boastful clergy twirled his staff around like a cheerleading baton, conjuring a pleasant green aura of mending. He then held his staff straight into the air, and the green energy twirled and wove into a caduceus symbol, which then exploded outward in a colossal tidal wave of healing and good tidings. 'Tera Heal!'

The corrupted, decaying, necrotic flesh of the zombies was immediately soothed and restored by the burst of health. Causing the undead legion to wallow in confusion for a moment. However, father time can be a serious hardass, and the group of zombies were seriously overdue for a check up by Dr. Entropy. Their time caught up with them, and the nine zombies struck by the healing spell immediately crumbled to dust.

"BOOM! How's that for doin' no harm, scrubs!" The Clergy cackled, displaying his knack for screwing people over with healing spells. Nine down, like… fifty or so to go.

Meanwhile, the Skull had his own problems. A troupe of spirits had surrounded him. The boy wizard had conjured another charge of arcane power, focusing on the three nearest spirits with his 'Astral Wave' skill. The blast of pure, wild magic dispelled the ghosts and punted them into another realm, leaving their now vacant jackets floating in the breeze. But five more were all around him. With his turn ended, they were free to attack.

The spirits all had the same idea, using their 'Tie Down' ability in unison to bind the Skull. Rings of spectral magic encircled him, forcing his arms tight to his side, seeming to squash and stretch his physical form. Not only did this bind him physically, but spiritually as well. Just like the dream he had, just like the torment that Red Witch had put him through.

He pictured her face on each of them. His blood increasingly boiling in rage. A rage which pulsed through his power. He grit his teeth and furrowed his brow, giving him the willpower to unleash a brief burst of RES and break out of the Ghosts' bindings. Now it was his turn to counter attack!

The Skull twirled his wand around over his head. The dark, moonlit clouds high in the sky seemed to turn with it, manifesting into a tornadic vortex which came down from on high and swirling on all the tiles around the Skull, sucking up all of the spirits. Their incorporeal bodies were stretched out by the intense winds like pieces of saltwater taffy, before they were flung upwards to the heavens and thrown all about.

"Come on you dirtbags, no one lives forever! You know… well… of course you know!" The Zombie homeowner barked his orders. The flanking force of zombies behind the Anti-Messiah began to close in, and another wave began to burst forth from underground to close out any hope of retreat.

"Damn… they just keep coming! We have to get to the one in charge! We destroy him and this is over!" The Skull commanded.

"Mhm, Yeh. He's only got, oh, I dunno, eleventy-bajillion zombies around him!" The Clergy groaned, counter-attacking a pair of zombies which attempted to poke at him with their wrapped up hands. The staff-bonks caused their rotten skulls to cave in, causing them to poof out of existence as things tended to do in the Netherworld upon death.

"We got 'em on the ropes, boys! Now it's time for the coup-de-gritsy! Send in Roxanne!" The House Corpse commanded.

And then, the Zombie horde unleashed their secret weapon, as a grave directly in front of the Anti-Messiah burst, its occupant shambling back to life with a conspicuous bounce.

"WELL HELLO LITTLE BOY!" A Maid spoke, in a raspy, manic, and overly excited sort of voice. Arms extended rigidly out in front of her still quite perky chest, despite the patchwork of stitches holding her blue, clammy skin together.

"Hwah?! What do you take me for, you really think you're gonna stop me with that! I'm not even into dead girls… but… uhh…" The Clergy hesitated for a moment. "…might still be worth experimenting on… y'know. Cuz boobies. But… eww! Dead icky slimy corpse. But… boobies! Nnnhhh…"

It was clear the clergy was perplexed with this whole situation, as he paused to rub his chin as he ran the options through his incredibly delicious-to-a-zombie brain, wondering how much formaldehyde he had on hand. Which was exactly according to the zombies' plan. His hesitation gave the horde an opening…

"YOU CAN EXPERIMENT ON EM ALL YOU WANT CUTIE PIE, JUST HAND OVER THE BRAINS FIRST! I'M STARVIN OVA HERE! DINNER'S PART OF THE DATE!" Roxanne, the Maid, blurted out, as she shambled forward to grab the healer by the pigtails, attempting to bite into his skull. A pair of additional zombies burst forth and attempted to restrain his arms to main the de-brainenating process easier.

"OW OW OW OW! NOT THE HAIR! NOT THE HAIR!" The Clergy groaned, helplessly attempting to wrestle his noodly arms and incredibly expensive hair free.

Fortunately he was saved by a timely 'Mega Ice' spell, courtesy of the Skull, which froze both zombies and the maid into corpseicles, before shattering them to pieces.

"Don't get distracted, we need to finish the job fast. Otherwise there's gonna be no end to these corpses!" The Skull exclaimed, all while firing shards of ice from his wand at zombie after zombie as they closed in around him.

"Yeh okay. Roll out the red carpet for me, then!" The Clergy commanded, as he brandished his staff like a cudgel, and made… something vaguely approximating eye contact with the Zombie-in-chief.

The Skull did as was requested of him, casting a fire spell left and right of the healer. The ground heaved and cracked, as two rows of burning lava spikes pierced the ground, impaling or burning a dozen zombies, and creating a channel through which the Clergy could advance and take the undead homeowner mano-e-mano.

"Alright you expired hotdog! I'm about'a jack your life insurance rates up so high you'll be pawnin' off what few organs ya' got left in ya' to pay it off!" The Clergy boasted, as he charged forward with his staff raised.

"Gimmie your best shot you pansy-dressed wannabe hippie!" The Zombie bellowed in response, shambling forward as well. The two titans of netherworld terror about to clash in a final decisive duel to the death/continued undeath!

"Bonk!" The Anti-Messiah got the first strike in, slapping the Zombie right over its noggin with his staff, causing his head to spin around like a top a few times. Unfortunately, unlike the soggy skeletons of the other zombies, this one's dome was too thick to be easily penetrated.

"Eat chewing tabacco, ya' yankee wuss!" The Zombie retorted, before unleashing a rather unhygienic 'Zombie Puke' directly onto the Anti-Messiah's dress.

"GAAAAHHH! Eww… just… EWW! Heckin… gross!" The Anti-Messiah flailed about as his pure, white, difficult-to-clean dress was sullen by the fearsome glob of undead ichor.

"Okay! THAT'S IT! No more mister nice guy! Do you KNOW how much this costs to take to the laundromat!?" The Clergy grit his teeth, very nearly popping a vein as he seethed in rage.

He elegantly pointed his staff directly at the boss Zombie, and began charging it with a colossal amount of arcane power. A purple orb of dark energy began to manifest on the end of it, bolts of lightning crackling off of it as it grew, and grew. As if all the fire and brimstone in the bible had begun to manifest into one immense unholy singularity of sin and damnation, before explosively unleashing it upon the zombie.

"PETA STAR, MOTHERF- [*UI sfx*] -!"

The resultant beam of power was utterly colossal. A purple haze, with a white glow bright as a thousand suns, reverberated across Hell's Half Acre, likely waking half the town up as it tore into the undead creep.

When the blast subsided, the legion of zombies and spirits was gone. In it's place, a cleanly cut trench in the ground, with a bit of molten rock in the center, and a visible hole clean through a mountain a few miles distant.

"Is that all you got, punk?" The Zombie homeowner defiantly retorted.

…before gravity took over and his now bodiless head fell to the ground, with a wet 'thud'.

BGM: ~Zettai Hero Project OST – Victory!~
watch?v=UdagozRrVfY&list=PL4491CEFD26189937&index=9

"Yeah yeah, big talk there, head-cheese. I'm usin' your washer and your detergent to clean this stain off. Smells like dead fish, eww…" The Anti-Messiah complained.

"Gah… be careful where you aim that thing next time!" The Skull emerged from behind a half-melted headstone, the right side of his clothing and hair visibly singed. "I feel like I'm going to need a shower after all this… c'mon, let's find the paperwork and get this over with."

"Not a chance in HL! You can't have my house!" The Zombie head continued to complain, despite only being able to… y'know. Sit there on the ground.

"Yeah sure bud. Heya, Skully, can you have your cat, like, I dunno, take head-o-cabbage over here and bury him somewhere we don't gotta listen to him?" The Clergy snarked as he made his way over to the house.

"Nyuuuuuuuuuuuu! Myaoyaoyao!" The slumber cat, still up in the non-obliterated half of the tree, groaned.

(Translation: I AM NOT YOUR BOOTLICK, MORTAL SCUM! BURY YOUR OWN FLESH-GARBAGE!)

"I'll dispose of it in due course. Best to not have it stinking up our new hous-"

*THUMP*

BGM: ~Disgaea 2 OST – Dark Zone~
watch?v=R8Y7kAgtTTY&list=PLK_1tAVTWpKQvFhqafyKS1Q-qXrsZbv1X&index=8

An earth-shaking noise and vibration in the ground was heard. Impressive, since they're not even on Earth either.

"Euuuuugh… that… sounded ominous." The Skull froze in place. Starting to get a baaaaaad feeling.

"Yeh, I think we should go insi-" As soon as the Anti-Messiah attempted to enter the home, he heard another mighty *THUMP*

And another.

*THUMP*

And another.

*THUMP* *THUMP* *THUMP*

The Noise was getting closer. The sound of trees and limbs breaking was audible now. Windows were rattling. Ripples were appearing in puddles and glasses of water. In town, car alarms were going off.

"Uhh… do I… uhh… even wanna know what that is." The Healer felt a sort of sinking feeling. Judging by the ominous facial expression on the Skull, the feeling was mutual.

"That's what I've been trying to tell you two bozos. You can't take my house because I'm a tenant. I rent the place!" The Zombie head responded.

"T-E-N-A-N-T-?" The Anti-Messiah and Skull both spoke in unison, staring with a look of dread at the decapitated corpse head.

"So that noise is…" The Skull asked, starting to come to a terrifying realization.

"That's my landlord. Ooooh, good grave gravel! You two whippersnappers are in for it now!"

BGM: ~Zettai Hero Project OST – The LAST BOSS~
watch?v=CHHfj0iWrwc&list=PL4491CEFD26189937&index=3

And right on cue, the forest seemed to burst, as a colossal Skeleton Dragon, considerably larger than the house he's renting out, stomped forth. Glaring with the duo with seemingly murderous intent.

"Wellp! Guess what, we're boned!" The Anti-Messiah gave a hearty slap to the Skull on the shoulder. The latter did not respond, as he was too busy staring with his mouth agape at the monster. "C'mon. Get it? Boned? Cuz it's, like, a big giant skeleton dragon made of bones… waiddaminute, I feel like I'm getting' deja-vu from this-"

"ROAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR!" The Dragon bellowed with a fearsome howl. It's grave-dusty smelly breath washing over the terrified duo. Even mouthwash is powerless against it!

"WAAAHOMIGAWSHSAVEME!" The Clergy jumped directly into the Skull's arms, bridal carry style.

"S….save YOU! This was YOUR idea!" The Skull responded, unable to move as he looked at the colossal undead monstrosity before him. Even larger and more frightening than the Wraiths he had fought in the Vault. And here he was, low on SP, without his strongest spells, and still zesty from Ghost antics.

Ancient, undead power seethed from the ossified, draconic, god-like being. Despite lacking flesh, it spoke, with a deep voice that caused gravel to jump upon the ground when it hit.

"WHO DARES VIOLATE THE BLACK COVENANT, WRITTEN AND SIGNED WITH THE BLOOD OF A HUNDRED VIRGINS, UPON A TOME OF OBSIDIAN, AND BORNE WITNESS TO BY THE HIGHEST DEMON LORDS OF REAL ESTATE?" The boney beast bellowed.

"It was these two rascals! They tried to steal my house and murder me! Again!" The Zombie Head responded.

"IS THIS SO, RALPH? IF IT IS TRUE WHAT YOU SAY, THESE TWO DEMONS ARE GUILTY OF THE CRIME OF… RENTER'S FRAUD. TELL ME, DO YOU TWO KNOW, THE PRICE, OF THIS CRIME?" The Dragon growled, leaning in closer to the panicked and jittering healer and skull. Neither of whom had the energy left nor the physical power to do much against… that.

"Uhh… uhh… is it… uhh… a brisk scolding and a promise never to do it again?!" The Anti-Messiah responded, sheepishly.

"THE PENALTY FOR IMPERSONATING A TENANT TO GAIN OCCUPANCY OF A RESIDENCE, BY ORDER OF THE DARK ASSEMBLY, TO BE NO LESS THAN ONE BILLION YEARS FOSSILIZED UNDERGROUND." The landlord roared.

"Hah! Who's getting' a ride in the grave now, you dummies!" Ralph teased, adding insult to imminent injury.

"Like omigawsh no! I don't wanna get boned like thaaaaat!" The Clergy shuddered at the thought of it. All that dirt in his hair… a billion years without a manicure or that fancy shampoo he's been swiping from Kimberley!

"THEN EXPLAIN YOUR ACTIONS. I WILL GIVE YOU ONE CHANCE FOR JUDGEMENT AS PROTOCOL DEMANDS, BUT SPEAK YOUR PEACE WISELY…" The Landlord menaced, the empty eye holes in its airplane-sized skull glowing an ominous yellow.

"Okay, we can explain… this is all just one big misunderstanding!" The Skull replied, steeling himself and hoping that the clergy is as good at lying as he says he is.

"Mhm, yeh! Misunderstanding!" The Healer hopped out of the Skull's arms and nodded.

And then proceeded to throw his friend under the bus in a breathless, motor-mouthed lie. "You see, the explanation is… it was all his idea! Mhm, mhm! He said 'hey, I wanna get a new house', and I was like 'are you sure? Markets are real lousy right now!' and he was like 'Okay, let's take over some dumb zombie's house from some dumb landlord' and I was like 'Noooooo! The Landlord is, like, a pretty cool guy, how could you do something so cruel' and he was like 'Yeah well the landlord said your hair is dumb' and I… in a moment of supreme weakness… believed it!"

The Skull just buried his face directly into his palm. "You utter, utter phallus you. What do you mean it was my idea? You were the one who suggested this whole thing!" The Skull retorted.

"Nuh uh!" Was the Anti-Messiah's searing retort.

"Yeah huh!" The Skull blurted back. Two can play this game.

"Nuh uuuuuuh!" The Anti-Messiah backed his argument up by sticking his tongue out, putting his thumbs in his ears, and wiggling his fingers about.

"Yeah huuuuuuuuuuh! If it wasn't for you, and that insane Archer, and that Damnable Red Mage-" The Skull retorted, but was stopped mid-sentence.

"Waaaaait wait wait wait." Ralph interjected. "You two are Sally's friends?"

There was a short silence.

BGM: ~Disgaea 4 OST – Puppet Smile ~
watch?v=TMCZDJ0wPEs&list=PLDvocklA9vWtz4cdJjtkMLn0moTPNZgvM&index=50

"Well why didn't you say so! That changes everything."

"I… haa… whuh?" The Anti-Messiah had a look of genuine confusion on his face.

"Wait, excuse me? You know that abominable miscreant?" The Skull was equally confused.

"Course I' do! She's the lovable little sugar scamp that's practically the life of this town! You should have said you were her friends when you first showed up. A friend of hers is a friend of mine, sonny!" Ralph's surly demeanor seems to have undergone a 180 degree turn.

And not just his! "OH, HOW COULD I BE SO RUDE. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN YOU WERE LITTLE SALLY'S FRIENDS." The landlord bellowed.

"F… friends? How dare you make such assumptions! If there was a state of being furthest from 'friend' that you can imagine, that is how I feel about that witch right no- MMMPH!" The Anti-Messiah hastily covered the Skull's mouth with his hand. Definitely gotta work on those people skills…

"Mhm, mhm! Friiiieeeeeennnnd!" The Clergy nodded as quickly as his neck would articulate. Which is considerably faster than you'd think, actually.

"We play, uhh… dungeon master! And action figures! And… y'know, open heart surgery, and arms dealing and, whaddeverelse. It's just that Red's kind of a handful to live with, y'know. So we were just browsin' for a place to be outta her way! Bachelor pad! This joint fit the bill! We just had a lil' misunderstanding with ol' Rufus here. Rhombus. Whateverhisnameis. Aaaaanywho! What's a little decapitation between friends of friends anyway, ehehehe…heheh… aaaahhh…" The Anti-Messiah made an awkward smile and rubbed the back of his head bashfully.

"Ha ha ha, I getcha, sonny. Sally can be quite a handful, that ol' girl! Tell ya what, we'll let bygones be bygones. I don't think I need a full master bed suite anymore. How's a bout I let you two stay with me. Then you can go hang out with Sally and have a nice quiet place ta' stay at night. Sound good with you, Big T?" Ralph responded, with considerable magnanimity considering the two had all but succeeded in murdering him. Again.

"OH OF COURSE. WHAT KIND OF DEMON WOULD I BE IF I SAID 'NO'. YOU TWO GET YOURSELVES COMFORTABLE. WE'LL GET THE PAPERWORK IN ORDER TOMORROW MORNING. AND TELL SALLY THAT OL' BIG T. SAYS HI." The Landlord cheerfully bellowed, before turning and stomping his way back through the trench of devastation from whence he came.

"Sure! Great! Pleasure doin' business with ya'! Ya won't be disappointed!" The Anti-Messiah saluted, putting on the most sincere/least sleazy face he could manage given the circumstances.

The Skull just buried his face in his hand and shook it. "I… just… I just really wanna go to sleep."

"Alright. Sure. Grab all the stuff and let's get this joint set up. Gotta get in here and see what we gotta do with the décor- WOOOOAAAAH! *gagging*" The Clergy was stopped dead as he was hit by an even deadlier attack than a skeleton dragon could deliver… the musty stank of decomposing flesh and old guy farts embedded into linens.

"Lucifer's freakin toupee it stinks in here. Ugh… it's like livin' in a barkdust factory! Yo. Skully, get me a prybar and some air freshener spray. All this upholstery has gotta come out like now."

"After all we've been through today. Can't I just get a few minutes of rest after having been cooked, made a pincushion, clawed, almost had my brains eaten, made a ghost's bondage toy, almost become some future alien civilization's museum exhibit, an-" The Skull's complaints were silenced when the stench finally hit him. "-HOOOOO DAMN! Yeah. Yeah. You're right. I'll get the prybar. Gonna need some Bleach too."

"Oi! You kids stay away from my furniture. I said you could stay here, not play interior decorator with the joint." Ralph complained.

"Mew?" The Catsaber interjected, before proceeding to paw Ralph's head around like a big yarn ball. (Translation: CEASE YOUR GERIATRIC BABBLING AND ACCEPT YOUR FATE. YOU ARE MY NEW PLAYTHING.)

"Hey! Get offa' me you mangey feline! Back in mah' day I used to hunt teddy bears tougher than you!" Ralph continued on a swear-laced old guy rant as the Catsaber joyfully batted his face around with its paws, while the Skull and Anti-Messiah, heedless of his noises, proceeded inside to start a much needed demo job on the old joint.

"Ooh! Ooh! Waterbed! Waterbed! Dibs!" The Anti-Messiah squeaked in delight as he made a discovery in the master suite.

The Skull gritted his teeth. Fed up with being a doormat, he decided to make his stand here and now. "Hey, no dibs. I'm tired of being the butt of every joke here! I'm tired of sleeping on the couch. And I'm tired of being the bottom! You and I are going to share that waterbed and that's final!"

"Hwah? Excuse me?" The Anti-Messiah stared with a blank expression at the skull.

The Skull's expression went blank and his cheeks went red as the implication of his Freudian slip set in.

There was a short silence.

---

Chapter 8 - End

---

BGM: ~Halo: Combat Evolved OST – Halo ~
watch?v=uksSdIlJRj8&list=PLxoOpZa54NksiD8p9EWkcgt81eotkv-Xv&index=26

NEXT EPISODE!

Sally: "In the distant future. With Mankind under siege from a dread alien menace, the last of a legion of super solders must rise on a mission to save the universe!"

*A cryo pod opens, revealing Violet-117, wearing a suit of MJOLNIR-IV powered armor, sans helmet, who awakens and emerges into a cryo bay. Striding dramatically forth and taking an MA-5B assault rifle, locking and loading.*

Sally: "Aided by her helpful AI companion, who guides her through the battle with legions of alien hordes! Pew pew pew!"

Robin: *appearing as a pink hologram* "Hey, we crash landed on this giant space hula hoop thingy! How are we gonna escape before cryo-naptime?"

Violet-117: "I thought I'd try shooting my way out, Mix things up a little."

Sally: "But, uhm… then some scary stuff happens!"

343 Guilty Skull: *Hovering around with a skull robe attached to it, while Violet-117 is battling through Flood Catsaber Forms.* "The flood have breached containment. And it's probably because the idiots who designed this place put live flood inside it. Hey, do you have any books?"

Sally: "But during their quest, they'll meet, like, a ton of fun characters."

*On Delta Halo, a Sangeili with a plasma sword, green hair, and nothing but belts for clothing stands before Big T., who has been decorated with covenant tech bits to resemble a scarab.*

The Alessarbiter: "The Prophets have sealed themselves inside the structure. The door is locked."

Sgt Avery Momoko: *Chomping on a pocky stick with the end on fire while driving the stolen scarab.* "Well what a coincidence, I just happen to have a key, nyao."

*The Scarab-Dragon opens its mouth and unleashes a massive plasma blast, obliterating the entrance to the door.*

Sally: "But the bad guys are both trying to do, like, super evil stuff and blow up the whole universe."

*Three covenant prophets sit in their throne room. One with blind bangs and pigtails, one with gigantic hair curls, and one with an animal skull on its head.*

Prophet of Anti-Regret: "Okay so, I'ma get the key thingamajig we need to go on the Great Journey. It's on this dumb backwater planet. Hope it's not the enemy's homeworld or anything!"

Prophet of Archery: "Oh! I'll start packing up some fine Tea for the great journey right away, and dispatching sermons to the faithful for its preparation, ohohoho."

Prophet of Curses: "Kekeke! Yesss, Great sacrif- I mean Journey almost time! Prepare fire big universe kill gun!"

*Suddenly, Violet 117 teleports into their lair, and looks over to Grunt(!)Ari* "Boo."

Grunt Ariyap: "Aaaaaaaah." *He 'yells' completely deadpan and without emotion, then casually strolls away.*

Sally: "Next time, on NetherHalo! Violet finishes the fight!"

The Ralphmind: *In a reverberating yet comical old man voice* "Aaaaaah am a monument to all your sins- *Hack cough cough.* ...oi! Can we get some gin and seltzer down here. Breathin' all this dust for a billion years has got me a scratchy throat."