Chapter 9 – Little Red Riding Mage
BGM: ~Disgaea OST – RosenQueen Netherworld Branch~
watch?v=HZni9i8CdJ0
Mid-morning, in Kimberley's home office
"Hello. RosenQueen Co. home delivery branch. How may I help you?" The voice of a demon, a Mothman by the sounds of him, came over the phone line.
"Hihi. I would like to place an order for some fine home furnishings I found in your catalog! I am a wealthy business Archer who is remodeling a new home and need some tasteful upholstery and trappings." The Anti-Messiah spoke into Kimberley's cordless landline phone while, while sitting in her office chair, and pushing his foot against the desk to spin himself around incessantly.
"Thank you for your business. We here at RosenQueen co. are glad you've chosen us. What can we get for you today?" The sales operator asked.
"Why only the best and most expensive premium furnishings for me! We can start with the Drider-silk luxury sheet & pillowcase set. I'll need that for an Overlord-size mattress. Also the Destiny-lens Hyperdimensional-Definition Plasma Beam TV with wall mount. And… mmmh… ooh! I'd also like to sign up for the kitchen remodeling with the granite countertops. Gotta pull out this 60's linoleum crap." The Clergy squeaked, as he stopped spinning long enough to read through the catalog's offerings.
Of course, like any savvy Netherworld shopper, he's not planning on running up his own debts buying all of these expensive high-end furnishings. Nope! He managed to swipe Kimberley's RosenQueen charge card to do that instead.
"Granite… countertops…" The moth clerk on the phone scribbled down something on his ledger. Somehow. "A fine choice! That'll be $32.2 billion HL."
The Clergy grinned dorkily, his hair pigtails flicking at the mention of the cost. "Mmmmmh… sweet! You've got a deal! So, the card number is. You ready for this? One. Three. Three. Seven…"
"Hey!" Sally poked the Anti-Messiah with her staff.
"Yo! I'm on the phone here." The Healer groaned, leaning away from the obnoxious poking.
"Hey! Hey! Hey! Mr. Healer man! Hey hey!" Poke. Poke. Pokon pokkedy poke poke.
"NNnnnhhh… Hold please, gotta take the cat out." The Healer set the phone down an turned, grouchily, to face the poking Mage. "WHAAAAT?"
"ROAD TRIP!" Sally cheered, hopping up and down in a jumping jack routine. The Clergy was unenthused.
"Mhm, yeh! Road trip. Have fun with that. Bring me back a postcard. Now lemme finish my phone call-" The Mage then lurched forward and caught the Clergy in a headlock. "OWOWOWOW!"
"Me and Kimberley and Ari are gonna go to Grandma's house! And you're coming with me! Ooooor elseeeeeee~!" Sally sang, even as she threatened to crush the poor clergy's windpipe with her bone-crushing mage hugs.
"Hack… can't… breathe…" The Clergy choked, as the luxury of having free and uninterrupted access to oxygen suddenly became an urgent need. Seeing him start to turn a blue color, Sally let him go.
"C'mon! C'mon! Grandma's house! Grandma's house! We're gonna stay the night, and she'll tell us stories, and we'll bake cookies! And stay up late jumping on the bed!" Sally hopped around in place, excited for this prospect. "And we have to drive Three! Whole! Hours! Just to get there!"
"Yeah! Okay! Great! Three hours! Whoop-de-do! Have fun! I've gotta stay here and do, y'know. Sciencey medical doctor stuff!" The healer huffed, scooting away from the Mage and pouting, puffing his cheeks up and trying to look stern.
Sally just sighed, hanging her head low and waving her arms weakly from side to side. "Fiiiiinneeee…"
"Okay! Great, glad we could come to an agreement, now if you'll excuse me, I gotta finish up with my supplier." The Healer chirped, as he plopped his rear back into the office chair.
Sally just watched for a moment, dejected. But she was full of determination not to let her trip be ruined by a noncompliant clergy. "Hey! Kimberley!" She leaned her head out into the hallway.
"Yes? What is it?" Kimberley, who was downstairs in her kitchen packing up (or rather, making the Prinnies pack up) some tea, haircare products, and the few other odds and ends she'd need for the trip.
"The healer is trying to commit credit card fraud with your RosenCard- MMMPH?" The Clergy darted over in a Panic and covered Sally's mouth. Rightly fearful of the Archer's wrath.
"Uhh… no! I'm committing, uhh… recipe finding! I wanna pack a pic-a-nic basket for the road! Yeh! Mhm, mhm!" He interrupted the Mage's incrimination, while silently cursing her under his breath, resigning himself to the fate of a three hour car ride and then lazing around in an old lady house overnight with no toys or entertainment beyond basic cable.
"Oh! There's no need, I'll have it covered. Just bring a change of clothes is all. Oh, and something to read. It's going to be a long drive." Kimberley replied.
The Clergy just groaned and rolled his metaphorical eyes. "Red… Skully's right. You're despicable…"
The Mage just winked and made a sparkly smile, taking that as a compliment. "Mwahahahaha! I know."
BGM: ~Soul Nomad OST – Woody Chips~
watch?v=hugbHlR4Hgs
Minutes later, in the Driveway
"How long is this going to last?" Ari asked. The boy was about as enthused at the idea of a road trip as the Healer was. When Sally woke up this morning and started babbling about Grandma's House, Ari mostly just wanted to be left alone and sleep in, on Sally's giant prinny beanbag, after a long night of staying up late watching TV.
"Mmmmh… it's an overnight trip. We should be back sometime tomorrow afternoon." Kimberley responded, standing next to her car as she watched the Prinnies attempt to fit Her and Sally's luggage into the back of her car. A blue Donda Prinnus hybrid (running on both gasoline and the souls of the damned) with white colored trim that matched her Archer color palette exactly. It even had fold-down cup-holders for the back seats. Fancy.
"Why can't we just take a portal there?" The boy asked the obvious question.
"Yeah, good question. Why can't we?" The Anti-Messiah asked as well, having brought a doctor's bag full of all the stuff he needed. A change of clothes, some surgical power tools in case he needed to do a procedure, and a healthy supply of Vicodin, baby aspirin, and horse tranquilizers.
"Well, Dimensional gates only go between different Netherworlds. Sally's Grandma lives in this one. Just a few hours out of town. And even if there was a local dimensional gate service, they don't allow pets on board, so we wouldn't be able to take Ari and Robin." Kimberley responded, with a slight nod.
"We'd have to register them as checked baggage, and that's no fuuuuuuuun!" Sally whined. Given how lazy most baggage handlers in Netherworld Ports-of-entry are these days, Ari and Robin are liable to get sent clear to Celestia before the others notice.
"Hey? Uhmm… what's a road trip?" Robin asked, as she fluttered all about. Curious about all the luggage. It seemed festive!
"It's where you sit in a car, bored for three hours." Ari responded, unenthusiastically.
"What's a 'car'?" Robin asked, only to squeak loudly and hide behind her little brother when Kimberley pressed a button on her keyfob to open the trunk up, causing a loud car chirp. "Monster! Monstermonstermonstermonster! IT'S OPENING ITS MOUTH STAY AWAY MISS KIMBERLEY!" The fairy squeaked and pointed.
"It's… not a monster, Robin. It's a vehicle. You get into it and drive it places. It's not alive." Kimberley responded, calmly.
"Mhm, mhm! It even has a radio and air conditioning and a little cardboard pine tree that makes it smell like pina colada!" Sally squeaked, trying to reassure her flustered fairy friend.
"Hey, cars are too scary. Think about it! Over two hundred sixty trillion demons die per year in auto accidents. Also… uhh… demolition derbies! Lotsa crashes!" The Clergy nodded.
"No. They're not. Now please stop being dramatic and put your bag in the trunk." Kimberley scolded the Clergy, before getting in the driver's seat, setting a thermos of hot tea for the trip in the cup holder.
"No! Don't travel in the metal boxes, you fools!" Robin squealed. Somewhere in the Warp, a certain Chaos Lord stifled a cough. Robin crossed her tiny arms and shook her head, adamant in opposition to the car. "I'm not going! No way nuh uh!"
"Fine. Stay here all alone." Ari responded. It'd probably sound passive-aggressive If it had any emotion what-so-ever.
"Awwwww! Robiiiiiin! Are you really not gonna goooooo?" Sally looked disappointed again, making a pleading eye face at the forest fae.
Robin hesitated. Sally was pretty convincing… but then Kimberley turned the engine of her car on, and the radio began playing one of those talk shows that radio stations have to put on during early morning on weekends to cover their sponsorship obligations. That was all she wrote.
"NoIllbefineherealone!" Robin blurted, quivering as she backed away from the scary machine and its sinister noises.
"Well… in that case, you can, like, guard all my stuff until we get home!" Sally suggested, deciding to put a positive spin on Robin's discontent. She approached the forest fae. "Robin the forest fae! I hereby confer unto you, the title of 'Captain of the Guard' of the Disgaea Guild Stuffed Animal corps!" The Mage spoke, handing Robin her scepter of office. A used-up paper towel tube with a tennis ball stuck onto the end.
Robin fluttered excitedly and beamed. "Wow, really! Reallyreallyreally!?" This was the happiest day of her life. "Then I'll accept this promotion and see to the duties with all the cute songs and fairy dust and sunshine and smiles the Netherworld has to offer!" She saluted, before taking the Scepter. Having to wrap both arms around it to hold it all.
"Hey! Red! I'm… uhh… scared of cars too. Y'know… they go too fast! And you can get a flat tire and be stranded. Oh, and the real scary part is dealing with insurance! So… yeh. I demand to be allowed to stay here and promoted as chambermaid of Kimberley's credit card account. I'll do dancing too. And hugs and kisses and whatever other fairy crap you want me to do- AUU!"
Sally suddenly leapt forth and bicycle-kicked the Anti-Messiah directly in the abdomen with her cutie mage boots, launching him clumsily into the backseat of the car with considerable force, causing the vehicle to rock on its suspension slightly. Ari did whatever the closest thing to a 'smile' he could manage at the Clergy's misfortune, as he floated into the backseat as well, while Sally took shotgun.
"Take care, Robin. We'll be back tomorrow afternoon. Then I promise I'll make you some Tea and Sweets to make up for it!" Kimberley waved as she prepared to drive off.
"Make sure no thieves break in and steal my sweets and toys!" Sally waved as well, as she settled in for an exciting drive to Grandmother's house!
"Okaaaaay! See you tomoooorooooow!" Robin waved, as the car drove off down the street. Then fluttered there for a moment. Alone. In an empty, desolate cul-de-sac.
"Mmmh… uhh… wonder what everyone else's doing?"
As Robin fluttered around with not much to do except have a manic yet one-sided conversation with Sally's collection of dolls and plushies, the rest of the guild had to contend with the even more nerve wracking challenge of staying sane during a long car trip.
"I'm bored." Ari proclaimed. The vehicle had not even been moving for more than two minutes. Still making its way through the streets of downtown Hell's Half Acre. He looked out the window to watch the sights go by. The RosenQueen shop, Lori's hospital, the Town Square, and the Hell's Half Acre public lie-brary.
As the car drives past the latter, Ari thinks he spotted the sight of a certain feline felon scoping out the joint…
BGM: ~ The Witch and the Hundred Knight 2 OST - Pokesy ~
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At Hell's Half Acre public lie-brary
Momoko, acting as nonchalant as possible, barely noticed the Archermobile driving by. After checking to make sure the Library had the expected level of security (I.E. none), she casually strolled in. Her mission today: Acquire books which might lead to the whereabouts of her next most-wanted-item. The envy of every thief, scoundrel, and plunderer out there.
The Legendary Puppy Paw Stick!
Of course she had no intention of ever returning said books. Playing it cool, she walked in through the front door like any library visitor, and strode through the bookshelf aisles, eyes peeled for any cameras or security guards.
Nope, just a single Professor, working as a librarian, sitting at the front desk. Even worse. The gaze over the top of her reading glasses could turn a person to stone, and she always, always, knew where everyone was. As she made eye contact, Momoko gulped, and wisely strode into the back of the library, out of view.
In the back, there was a small area with some tables and chairs for reading. There, she'd spot an unexpected, yet somewhat familiar face. A certain Studious Skull was sitting at a table. A pile of arcane law books sitting in front of him, as well as an equally large pile of notes.
"Heya, you're that Healer's new Skullfriend, right? What was your name again, nyao?" Momoko waved her sticky-fingered paw as she approached, peeking over the boy's shoulder with a cheshire cat-like grin.
The Skull visibly cringed as soon as the voice hit his ears. He was not particularly excited nor happy under the best of circumstances, and even less so at the prospect of interruption. "No, no. You're mistaken. I'm not anyone's friend around here. And, if you must know, my name is Co-"
Before he could finish, his pet Catsaber hopped from his backpack, and literally got his tongue. "Meeeeeeeew!" It mewled, cutely.
(Translation: YOUR PETTY SLAVE NAME HAS BEEN ANNULED BY THE LEGAL BINDINGS THAT TIE YOU TO THIS LOWLY HOVEL. REMEMBER THAT, CRETAIN, AND DESPAIR!)
"Pffff… ahh, the ol' Macaroni contract. Classic." Momoko chuckled. She's worked in the Dark Assembly long enough to have seen that one used a few times. "Anyway, I don't think we were properly introduced, nyao. The name's Momoko. Master thief. Ya need treasure pilfered, I'm your gal." She spoke, picking up the Catsaber and setting it gently aside, briefly contemplating stealing it, but then decided against it, since they'd probably compete over the same scratching post and yarn ball.
"That's what they all say." He shrugged, leaning in closer to his book, not particularly buying the Thief's boast.
"Yeah, but how many of them can back it up, nyao?" Momoko adjusted her glasses. Which were actually the Skull's glasses.
"What the- how did you…!? Give those back!" The wizard boy blindly flailed his hands to try to grab his spectacles back from the thieving cat-burglar.
"Pfff, sorry kid. Sometimes I just can't help myself, it's my one flaw, nyao."
"Yes yes…" The Skull spoke, waving his hand dismissively and returning his specs to the bridge of his nose. "In any case, I have little time for games. I'm researching Faustian contract law in order to hopefully enact a ritual and get out of this accursed binding to that damnable Witch."
"Can't say I can blame ya'. Sally's fun in small doses though, but are you really in such a hurry to skip town? I thought you and that Clergy had a thing, nyao. You two make a cute couple." Momoko winked.
The Skull violently cringed as the thief pushed his buttons. His face turned a bright red and he bared his teeth like an animal. "NNNHH… n…no! I… I mean. That Cleric is… merely the least infuriating person in this town. Regardless, I still have a quest to fulfill, and I cannot let myself be distracted. Not by legal complications or… friends."
"Then what are all those home décor books about? Looks like something one checks out if they're settling in for a while." Momoko snarked, as she picked up and thumbed through 'modern homes for modern demons, 999912th edition'.
"Hnnnh… well, if I am going to be stuck here for any length of time… I may as well do something to counteract that healer's… questionable interior design sense. Have you ever tried to redecorate a Zombie's house?"
"Ouch. Yeah, I can see how problematic that job is. Good point." Momoko closed the book and stuffed it into her thief bindle, while nodding knowingly. "So, I heard something about a Quest you were supposed to be on, nyao? Is it the 'plunder and booty' kind?" Momoko placed her index finger to her chin and looked on, rather intrigued now that she thinks about it.
"No. Of the 'Liberate the Magitopia Academy' kind. It's like I told that Archer. I am the last disciple of Arcanios the great, and I have a duty to defeat the Succubus who usurped his reign and break her spell over my compatriots. My being bound here is wasting critical time. And before you ask… no you may not join my quest and no you may not plunder the Academy's reliquary…" He spoke, correctly predicting what Momoko was about to ask.
'Darn. Boy's got more intuition than he looks like'. Momoko thought to herself. "Arcanios? I think I heard that name before. Some kinda bigwig wizard, right? Must be, like, super rich…"
"Yes, quite." The Skull set his law book down and perked up slightly. Now having something he actually likes thinking about as the topic of discussion. "Arcanios the Great. High lord and Headmaster of the Magitopia academy. Last survivor of the Arcane Expanse after its decimation by the Champion of Evil. Holder of the Seven Keys of the Enigma Gate. And my former teacher. The greatest wizard of an age. It is my honor to have such a mighty lord as my mentor, and the greatest tragedy is that I am not serving him at this very moment."
"Wow, guess I was wrong about who you had a crush on, nyao." Momoko teased.
"No. Absolutely not. Such frivolities as 'crushes' are beneath Arcanios. I respect his power and skills, and seek to learn from him, that I may one day take up his Mantle. But in any case, that's beside the point. Now is there any other reason you are here to bother me? What does a thief like you even want in a Lie-brary like this? You don't strike me as a particularly inquisitive reader."
"Looks can be deceiving, nyao." The Cat grinned. "Y'see, I'm the discerning and respectable burglar. And I'm gathering some reference material to find a unique item to go along with that. Y'know anything about the Legendary Puppy Paw Stick by any chance?"
"Puppy paw stick?" The Skull looked up at the Thief, raising an eyebrow. "Why of course I've heard of it. It's a one-of-a-kind item that has a chance to steal the items off anyone it defeats. Though if you are as good a thief as they say, I fail to see why you would need such a trinket."
"Well, I don't strictly need that item. Just like you don't really need these, nyao." Momoko presented a pair of red and white polka-dot boxers.
"GYAH! How did you…!?" The Skull flailed to get his unmentionables back, turning a flustered red color. Momoko just grinned and tossed them in his face.
"Trade secret. Just cuz I don't need a puppy paw stick doesn't mean I don't want one. It's a status thing. No self-respecting Master Thief would be without one. Just gotta track it down, nyao. Anything in these books of yours that could shed some light on it?"
"If it will get you away from me, I heard a rumor that the Puppy Paw Stick can be found deep in the X-dimension. Where exactly is impossible to say. Though I've also heard a certain Nekomata knows its whereabouts. Go interrogate one of them."
"Sounds like a plan, little man." Momoko grinned a playful, Cheshire-cat sort of grin. Already she's eying the Skull up as a good test dummy for when she acquires her new item.
"Now then, if that is all for today, I need to finish my notes to get a spell done tonight. Please pass me that next book. The Red colored one."
"Mew." The Catsaber familiar spoke, darting between the Skull and Momoko, brandishing… a slightly different red book.
(Translation: HERE YOU GO.)
Momoko blinked at the Cat's sincerity. Then saw what book she had in her paws. And took a cautionary step back. Uh oh, she knew that book. "Heya… uhh… ya miiiiight wanna be careful with that. It's kind of a spicy read…"
"Nonsense. If I can handle the most mind-rending tomes of eldritch lore in the Academy's vaults, I can surely handle some little law treatise-…" He spoke, before opening the book to the table of contents.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Page one. Preface! About the Author…" The book spoke, in a deep and ominous voice, prompting the skull to blink in genuine confusion.
"Ahem… ZETTA BEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMM!"
The resulting blast created a gaping hole through the wall of the library, and cleaved a trench out through the middle of the street outside, firmly embedding the Skull upside down, into the side of a building across the street. Comedically scorched black, and with a look of utter discombobulation plastered onto his face.
"O…owww…" He spoke, weakly, coughing up some soot.
"Woah Jeez, you alright?!" Momoko asked, as she scurried out to peel the Skull off the side of the building. "Told ya' not to mess with that one."
"I… hate… my… life…" The boy croaked, flopping onto what was left of the sidewalk as he quietly lamented his unfortunate fate.
"Oof. Anyway, let's get you to a Healer. Like… y'know. A competent one. C'mon. Netherworld Hospital's right up the road. nyao." Momoko spoke, taking the singed Skull over her shoulder and carrying him down the street to Lori's office.
BGM: ~ Transport Fever OST - Blues ~
watch?v=vTZvI9yIkuc
Driving down Netherworld Route 666
"Are we there yet?" Ari asked yet again.
"Dude it's been like 20 minutes." The Anti-Messiah responded, leaning his cheek up against the glass. The two of them were both bored to tears (Side note: A Clergy's tears do not come from the part of the face you expect them to).
The healer is seated on the right back seat, Ari on the left. Up front, Kimberley is paying little attention to the two, focusing on the road while listening to a salacious romance novel on her headphones, while Sally is jamming to some Human-world pop music through her diePod earbuds.
"Are we there yet?" Ari asked. Again.
"No we are not. Why do you ask?" The healer responded, deciding to humor the boy.
"Cuz bored." Ari replied. 'Bored' being the only emotion he can seemingly genuinely express.
"Pff… you and me both, kid." The Healer spoke, before rubbing his chin thoughtfully, and remembering that he at least came semi-prepared for a time like this. "Well ya' know what? Modern problems require modern solutions!" He spoke, before reaching into his inventory and pulling out… a Slay-Station portable!
"I wanna play." Ari attempted to grab the game device, prompting the healer to play keep-away with it.
"Yo! Mitts off. It's mine!" He lies.
"Why does it have Sally's name written on it then?" Ari inquired. The Mage is at least wise enough to label her things with her name crayoned onto a piece of masking tape on the back of it. Can never be too careful with Momoko about…
"Oh, uhh… actually! You don't wanna play this, cuz I have an even better and more scientifically advanced game system for you!" Ever the crafty Clergy, the Anti-Messiah reached into his dress and rummaged around, before presenting Ari his 'superior handheld game console'.
"This is a calculator." Ari flatly stated.
"Yep! But not just any calculator. It's a TI-75 Graphing calculator! With, like, three different trigonometric functions! And some, y'know, calculus stuff. Here, go do a few Riemann sums, and I guarantee ya, you'll never find riding in the back of a car with no entertainment boring ever again." Not by comparison anyway.
"Laaaaaaaaaaaaaame." Are responded, tossing the calculator back at the Anti-Messiah with his telekinesis and attempting to swipe the SlayStation away.
As the duo fought over the game console in the back seat, Kimberley was entirely focused on driving. Both hands on the steering wheel, only glancing over at her Satnav display very briefly.
"Bow down before [SOUND OF STATIC], then take the next right." The GPS spoke. Clearly, she splurged on the high-end Elevix Electronics model. Kimberley complied, putting on her blinker and taking the right onto a highway on-ramp, before merging with traffic and accelerating to speed.
As it was a fairly boring, mundane drive so far, Kimberley let her mind wander as her book narration described a particularly lurid scene between the heroine and her buff and handsome Vampire suitor, in a sort of hob-knobbed urban fantasy sort of setting. The Archer couldn't help herself, as even prim and proper ladies have their vices. She reached her hand down, in tune with the characters of the book… a bit lower… and lower… to delicately and delightfully rub across her T…
…Tea thermos! Grasping it in her hand and bringing it to her lips to take a sip.
At that exact moment, the loud sound of a horn broke her from her blissful Drink-and-Audiobook trance, as a delivery van abruptly cut her off, forcing her Kimberley to swerve to avoid it, causing Hot Tea to splash up her delicate noblewoman nose.
"KEH! M… my evilness! What sort of… no-good cur would drive so obnoxiously?!" She asked, rhetorically. Removing her headphones and focusing ahead, she would soon realize the answer.
The van in front of her had a logo on the front, reading "COFFEE KING", being one of their mobile serving vehicles.
The Anti-Messiah looked up after the jolt from the swerve, which gave Ari an opening to swipe the Slay Station. "Yo! What wassat?!"
He saw the van.
He saw the logo.
He saw Kimberley's eye twitch in the rearview mirror.
"Hooooo boy…" He knew what was coming. "Hey! Uhh… Archer lady! It's perfectly acceptable just to let bygones be bygones! That guy's a jerk! It's not like you're ever gonna see him agai- HYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
BGM: ~ The Simpsons Hit & Run Soundtrack - Hit and Run ~
watch?v=1d0LuHZiVro
At that moment, Kimberley slammed on the accelerator, and the vehicle lunged forward like a racecar, swiftly moving in front of the Coffee truck and cutting it off. Appropriately, Kimberley raised her middle finger in salute as she flew past.
The driver of the Van, a Barista Maid, saw this as a challenge and responded in kind. Game on.
The two vehicles entered into an impromptu drag-race as they made their way through traffic, swerving between the myriad of vehicles. This triggered various other vehicles to join in, transforming an otherwise peaceful highway into a rolling battle zone. Which is the default state of traffic in the Netherworld, by the way.
Most Demons, you see, drive one of six types of vehicles. A souped-up hearse, a Road Warrior knockoff apoco-car covered in rust and spikes, an old tanker truck used to run traveling salesmen off the road in the desert, a spy car with hidden oil slicks, nitro boosters, and machineguns, a large 1970s sedan possessed by the Devil which comes to life with no driver and runs people over, or a Monster Truck (in multiple senses of the word).
As explosions, missiles, burning rubber, and automotive chaos engulfed the Highway, Kimberley maintained her steely eyed glare and precision. A stern look of determination on her face as she began to weave between the battling cars to beat that damn coffee truck.
The offending vehicle surged ahead, cutting across three lanes, and causing a speed wagon driven by a petite orc (named 'Ario', appropriately enough), and painted red to go fasta, to abruptly lurch to the right. Kimberley barely dodged the errant car, and barely avoided the blast as it sideswiped into a bunch of Horseman bikers, causing all vehicles involved to smash, crash, flip out, and explode.
"HWAAAAAHHHHH! OMIGAWSHWEREALLGONNADIE!" The Anti-Messiah panicked, as he was thrown all over the car by the chaotic, yet precise driving. Flaming tires, mufflers, handlebars, and bones raining all around outside. Kimberley worked the steering wheel and gear shifter with precision, riding a knife edge between a trained police driver and an vehicular psychopath.
Sally and Ari didn't flinch in the slightest, totally ignoring the wrecks and explosions all around them, and just listening to their music/playing the SlayStation they stole from the healer respectively.
'Continue for 12,000km, and then turn 470 degrees counter-clockwise and remove your left arm.' The GPS spoke. Kimberley didn't seem to be paying attention, as she was laser-focused on offensive-driving. And listening to that book, of course.
The coffee van had surged ahead, passing through gaps between Vehicles. Kimberley was momentarily stuck behind a Beast Tamer driving a pickup truck and towing a horse-trailer full of twin dragons. One of which stuck one of its dual heads out the back and fired a beam of necrotic energy from its jaws, tearing a massive trench into the pavement as it went. The Archermobile swerved, hitting a displaced piece of asphalt which acted as a ramp, causing the car to get some sick air, before landing between a Trio of washed up British motoring enthusiasts on a trip involving cheap used supercars.
The Anti-Messiah bounced up, smacking his head in the ceiling as the car went airborne, then landing in a heap as it landed. "Ow ow ow! Hey! The suspension on this thing ain't rated for this! Yo! Archer lady! Your insurance rates are gonna, like, skyrocket!" He pleaded, trying to get her to slow down. She was having none of it. The implacable woman and Paragon of Tea that was Kimberley would never lose to Coffee!
At that moment though, she was cut off by a pickup truck with an anti-aircraft machine gun in the back, manned by members of the Popular Front for the Liberation of Rekidonia. The insurgent manning the turret grinned evilly, a cruel twinkle in his eye, as he leveled the guns down to point directly at Kimberley's car. Before he could fire, however, a RosenQueen tractor trailer swooped alongside and side-swiped the technical clear off the road, sending it flying into a ditch.
Kimberley moved around the truck, aiming to catch up with the Coffee van, all while weaving through a pair of dueling station wagons, armed with a full broadside of guns and, blasting away at each other, leaving a trail of explosions and car parts littering the road. The Healer had, by this point, curled up in a ball in the backseat, casting shield on himself to protect his vulnerable squishy bits from becoming a crumple zone.
Fortunately for the healer's sanity, he felt the vehicle slow down, much to Kimberley's chagrin. Traffic was building up. The reason being an extremely defensive driver – a Driving instructor to be precise, a Medic, in a Smart Car Ambulance, who was instructing a Slime on his road test exam. The high DEF of the slime combined with the instructions to actually check blind spots and obey the posted speed limit held up the manic death race behind it. What's worse is this was a no passing zone.
Kimberley grit her teeth, looking around to spot her opponent. The Coffee van wasn't behind her. It wasn't in front of her. And wasn't to the sides. It was only when she looked up through the sunroof did she spot a most curious sight of the van flying overhead, held aloft by a giant parasail coming out of the roof, which glided over the traffic jam and hit the road up ahead, before taking off.
The Archer took initiative, deciding to swerve into the High-occupancy-vehicle lane regardless of it being rush hour or not. 4 people counts as HOV anyway. Sliding in ahead of her was a Hearse driven by a bunch of zombie frat boys, who were all drunk on formaldehyde cocktails and spinning around on top of the moving vehicle. Most unsafe, but they were dead anyway so what difference did it make? Their car had 'Maritsu Rulez' and 'Phi Beta Crypt 4eva' crudely drawn on the back. The rowdy corpses eventually began tossing empty kegs, not-so-freshmen, and spare limbs onto the highway, forcing Kimberley to swerve to avoid them. Until one Zombie got a bit seasick from the binge drinking and puked, the spray of bile landing all over the Archer's windshield, obscuring her vision.
The car swerved erratically as Kimberley fumbled around to hit the wiper fluid switch, which washed the zombie gunk away… but revealed that they were now driving straight into the maw of Carzilla, a half-truck, half-dinosaur creation which was once thought to have gone extinct from monster truck rallies over 65 million years ago. The great mechanical beast stomps forward, smashing aside light poles, tearing up concrete, shooting lasers out of its eyes, and breathing fire all over the highway.
"Ooh! Ooh! It's Carzilla! He's, like, totally gonna incinerate us all in a big ball of, like, super-hot flaming hellfire! That is awesome!" Sally, finally taking notice of the goings on around her, cheered, finding this prospect delightful. You never know what you'll see heading down the highway, after all.
The Anti-Messiah simply took a deep breath, questioning his life choices, before releasing it in an ear piercing, girlish scream. "AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"Aaaaaaaaaaah." Ari also screamed. If the deadpan, uninterested sounding, not-even-remotely emotional noise particularly counts as a scream. Otherwise his eyes remain glued to his video game.
Determined not to become char-broiled on a vacation day, Kimberley noticed a conveniently placed flatbed tow truck with the ramp down on the side of the road, getting ready to load a geo panel landscaping truck that had broken down. That was good enough for her! She gunned the engines, the infusion of mortal souls into the fuel injectors causing the engine to scream with a hellish-yet-environmentally-conscious roar. Flames erupted from the exhaust pipes as the car hit the impromptu ramp, shot up into the air, flying just inches out of reach of the clasping jaws of the mechanical dinosaur, and sailing over an overpass bridge.
And then, time seemed to stand still, as if someone had hit a pause button on reality. Accompanied by a violin chord, and the sound of an aging-but-amicable southern gentleman narrating the scene.
"Now, folks down in Netherworld-county haven't seen a good ol' fashioned stunt jump since Prinny Knievel jumped a 200 mile wide canyon over a river made of snakes on a rocket-propelled knee scooter. But, with ol' Carzilla on the loose, hell, ya gotta do whatcha gotta do.
Them ol' adventure squad gals always take it in stride though. Lil' Sally throwin' her arms up like it was a good ol' fashioned carnival ride, while Kimberley, ever the proper lady, strangles that steerin' wheel with a noblewoman's grip and the grin of a rabid possum.
The ol' Anti-Messiah, the heathen dummy, just floatin' round upside down like some kinda sputnik reject. Gotta hand it to the lil' hellspawn. Whatever haircare product the kid uses, well, it's keepin' those bangs in place like cement. And the kid, Ari? Hell… he don' care. Solid as a rock, that 'un.
Now how are the adventure squad gonna get outta this one, tune in next week to find ou-" The Narrator was then abruptly cut off by the Anti-Messiah.
"Oi! What the HL is that voice?" He asked.
"I think it's from Dukes of Veldime." Ari replied.
At that moment, time resumed. The car careening through the air, then landing on all four tires, directly next to the Coffee Van. It was neck and neck! Kimberley ran the car into the red zone. Up ahead though, was an ominous sight. The great equalizer of speed demons and slow-pokes on the highway. A road construction zone. The highway necked down to a single lane, with that horror of horrors, a fines double in speed zone sign!
It was now a race through the home stretch. Whoever would get past those orange and white plastic barrels and cones first would be crowned the winner! Kimberley briefly pulled ahead, then the coffee van, then Kimberley. It was too close to call!
'In 500 meters, remove 37% of your skin using the supplied flensing knife, and then surrender your soul.' The GPS spoke. The glove box opened of its own accord, spitting out an ornate ceremonial dagger, which flew into the air, just barely missing Sally's ribbon, bounced off the roof of the car, and embedded itself blade-first into the Anti-Messiah's forehead.
"OW OW OW OW!" The Healer yelped. Barely inconvenienced and more annoyed from being stabbed in the face. He'd built up an immunity over the years, you see. "Okay, Kimberley, your GPS suuuuucks."
The Healer wound the window down, pulled the dagger out, and angrily tossed the knife out of the car. The blade embedded into the front right tire of the Coffee van, causing it to burst and shred. Sparks flew from the metal rim, causing the Undead Barista driver to lose control. The van swerved left and right, spinning out, before flipping on its side, and rolling over, spilling coffee beans all over the highway. Before exploding in a mushroom cloud of dregs and burning non-dairy creamer powder.
"Ohohohoho! Once again, Tea wins the race to prove itself the superior beverage!" Kimberley proclaimed, before taking a victory sip from her thermos. But uh oh, seems in the time that race had taken place, the tea had finally gotten rather lukewarm and unpalatable. Furthermore, she had used up a lot of fuel in that race. "Oh dear, it looks as though we'll need to stop for gas soon. There's a service station up ahead."
"Yes! Stopping very, highly Yes! I need to reboot my, like, central nervous system after that!" The Anti-Messiah agreed, in a sigh of relief. "And… y'know… some Soda and snacks would be nice…"
And so, with the manic sanic speed moderated by the tender loving embrace of flaggers and jersey walls, the Archermobile slowed to more sane velocities as it made its way up the ramp and onto a frontage road for a well needed resupply.
BGM: ~ Soul Nomad OST - Jazzy Glass ~
watch?v=D-ULIBnCMS0
Watsaco Corp. Travel Plaza
After exiting the highway, Kimberley drove the short distance to a local Netherworld truck stop, pulling up alongside the pumps and shutting the engine down. All around were the sights and sounds one would expect at such a premise on a literal highway to hell. Demon truck drivers mingled with campers and businessmen driving to and fro. Demons going RVing, school buses on their way to the evil academy, tow-trucks scraping the unfortunate victims of the recent death race off the side of the road, and of course, the Adventure Squaddies themselves.
Kimberley stepped from the car and took a rather well deserved stretch, quite pleased with herself so far. Even her hair-curls stretch out briefly, before springing back into position. "Excuse me, I have to go inside and get some fresh Tea."
"I have to go to the bathroom." Ari added, floating listlessly through the air behind her.
"Yeah yeah, you and me both. Gonna see If they have one of those fancy mix-n-match soda dispenser machines too." The Anti-Messiah spoke, briefly pausing to look in the door mirror and adjust his hair so he looks presentable after such a long and eventful ride.
"Please pump the gas, I'll reimburse you, of course." Kimberley nodded, before turning and entering the inconvenience store.
"Kay!" Sally chirped in response, as she skipped over to the gas pump to fill the car up. A fact that initially didn't resonate with anyone.
Until the Anti-Messiah took a moment to think about that.
Sally. The Mage. The fire Mage. With her hands on a gas pump connected to a million-gallon tank of high-octane demon-car fuel. That he is standing directly on top of. "Omigawshno!"
The Healer quickly fumbled around to find his staff, and as quickly as he could, cast a Sleep spell on Sally before she could do something catastrophic.
"Hey! Uhm, do you want Unleaded or Ethano- ZZZZZZZZ" The spell worked, causing Sally to flop over like a sack of potatoes, face down on the ground.
"Phew! That was a close one! Jeez… that was the last thing I needed today… would have singed my super cute hair, nyehehehe!" The vain healer cackled, before shambling over and grabbing Sally under her arms, dragging her to the passenger side door, and tossing her limply inside, in no particular orientation.
"Hoooo jeez, barely an hour in and it feels like a century. Oh well, time to go to the snack aisle, see if they have any Oreos…" The healer spoke to no one in particular, before slithering into the store to reward himself for surviving this trip so far…
BGM: ~ Team Fortress 2 OST – Dapper Cadaver ~
watch?v=52HVSkAgn0g
At Yasumi's house
After literally tens of minutes of standing vigil over Sally's collection of sweets, stuffed toys, and smutty manga, Robin formally abdicated her positions, turning over her staff to Momoko who promised to keep watch on all of Sally's stuff till she returned. Instead, she decided it was time to hang out with some of the other adventure squad members via uninvited sleepovers! And so, she set off, fluttering through the woods and heading over to Shaman Town to see if Yasumi wanted to hang out.
The wicked witch doctor lived in an elaborate Yurt out in the jungle, made of bones and animal hides, stitched together with sinew, and with a smaller tent as a garage containing a car made of bamboo, stone rollers, and more animal pelts fit for a modern stone-age family. A white picket fence made of bleached ribs, a sidewalk made of dragon scales, and a few decorative gargoyles and cursed talismans finished out the décor.
Inside was much more comfortable, having all the modern amenities. Electricity, air conditioning, lights, high-definition TV, stone altar for heart extraction rituals, some occult artwork and idol statuettes venerating the Dark Gods, and of course, wi-fi! The password is, of course, 'thiswifiiscursed'.
"Welcome welcome, of course can stay for night, fairy creature. You friend of Red colored fire girl and not take up much space. Will have fun howling at moon together or stay up late doing ritual to spread nightmares to all." Yasumi nodded, as she escorted the fairy in. Quite delighted to have some company. It got rather dull around here while everyone else was busy.
"Nightmares are scary. Can I do a special fairy ritual to give people sweet dreams instead?" Robin chirped in response, clasping her hands and doing an impromptu dance in midair.
"Sure, but only if have plan to crush dreams later. Need set victims up so can knock down. More satisfying that way." Yasumi responded, nodding slightly, and then adjusting the skull atop her head.
"Oooh… kay? Uhmm… Sally says at a sleepover, you're supposed to stay up late and watch scary movies and gossip about boys and stuff! I dunno what any of that means, cuz I'm a fairy!" Robin spoke proudly.
"Yeh. That right. But not watch scary movies. Have 'be scary' as day job. Gets boring after while. Instead, we watch romantic comedies." Yasumi nodded. "Anyhow, fairy. Feel free explore house. Make self comfy. Need go finish up business call for job. Am on Curse Support Duty for Dark Assembly."
Indeed, working as a Dark Assembly senator isn't all lazing about and oppressing the poor plebeian demons. Sometimes they force you to do actual work. Yasumi will be the first to tell you that's the real curse around here.
The Shaman strode into her office, sitting on a spinning chair decorated with carved bones and Aztec religious motifs, then scooted over to her haunted computer and put her headset on over her skull hat.
"Hello caller. Thank you for calling Dark Assembly Shaman hotline. How can help?" She asked, as an occultist from the human world was on the other line, needing technical support for a ritual. "…okay. Have made sure crystal ball plugged in? Mhm, mhm… unplug then replug… no? What about blood supply? Yes… yes… mhm… no! Type of blood not matter. Just draw it in big circle. Mhm, mhm… yeh… aaaah yes, the issue is clear. The sacrifice ate too much salt. Find new sacrifice, less salt."
This all sounded like a bunch of boring mumbo-jumbo to Robin, who proceeded to flutter through the house, excited to explore! That excitement quickly began to turn to a minor apprehension as, on second glance, some of the décor started to look rather… morbid.
The portrait on the wall that originally showed a happy shaman family, of which the smaller one was presumably Yasumi, now showed all but the small figure without heads. The Gargoyle book-ends on the shelf now had their eyes following Robin's every move. Hearing some movement in a nearby room, Robin poked her head in, to spot a certain Brute Warrior from a previous encounter, hanging from a ceiling, wrapped up in spider silk. Hanging on his cocoon was a sign simply with the word 'Husband' scrawled on it. In blood.
"Hey! Lil' fairy! Please, cut me down! Get me outta here! Oh man… she's been cutting pieces of my soul out and replacing them with alien eggs! It feels like they're gonna eat me from the inside!"
"Uhmm, no can-do! Cuz you're a meanie and you're in time-out… I think…" Robin put her tiny fairy hands on her hips and stuck out her tongue, before fluttering into another room.
She was then face to literal face with a large series of shelves full of jars. Jars full of shrunken heads. Ranging from inept Prinnies, former dark assembly senators, unpopular side characters, NIS accountants, and most worryingly, was a shelf full of empty jars, labeled 'Sally', 'Kimberley', 'Violet', 'Alessa'… and so on. The one labeled 'Robin', however, was simply an empty salt shaker.
Then, the door burst open. "Oh! Robin! You found trophy room! Want become introduced to my collection? Kekekeke!" The Shaman asked, eyes glowing an ominous red color, a toothy, manic grin on her face.
Aaaaand that was all she wrote. "AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Robin panicked, before darting out an open window like a missile, and fluttering at ridiculous speed off into the air!
Yasumi just blinked, a look of bewilderment on her face. Legitimately confused why the fairy was so spooked "Ehh? Was something I said?"
BGM: ~ Disgaea 2 Ost - MAKAI Station ~
watch?v=bLybd8vH_DU
Blair Forest Road
"Gruff! Rhuff! I'm the big bad wolf, you see!"
"You, Red Mage, won't get by me!"
"I'll pilfer your baskets and edible stuff!"
"If you re~sist then I'll eat you right up!"
"To Granny's house you'll never get!"
"And a wild wolf you may never pet!"
A random Cu-sith was apparently monologuing to itself, preparing for an ambush of a certain Red Magician and her party. It was only natural: Pic-a-nic baskets carried by Mages were the primary form of sustenance available to local animals in the forest.
"Those aren't the lines." A Treant spoke, sitting right behind the Cu-sith, critiquing its rehearsal.
"Grrrh! Well you try and do better. Do you even remember this story from when you were a kid?" The Cu-sith snarled.
"You know how few rings I had then? I was like 5 last time I heard this… hey, wait. Someone's coming. Just… do the lines. Any lines!" The Treant insisted.
"Hookay, fine. *ahem*" The Cu-sith cleared its throat and then leapt out into the middle of the road.
"Ghruff! Rhuff! I'm the big bad wo- *THWACK*"
The Cu-sith quickly discovered the folly of not looking both ways before leaping into the street and was promptly smashed by the Archermobile. Kimberley was briefly jolted from her road-trance as she felt the car go over a small but noticeable bump. 'Must have been a pothole', she thought.
As for the rest of the occupants. Sally was still under the effects of that sleep spell. Snoring cutely in the passenger seat, with her cheek pressed up against the glass. The Anti-Messiah and Ari were also asleep, clumsily flopped up against each other in the back, a bit of drool exiting the corner of the former's maw. The exertion of sitting on their backsides for three hours with nothing to do having taken its toll.
'Follow the road for 300 meters, then embrace oblivion. He will be nourished. Continue towards His Embrace. Surrender your soul. Surrender your flesh. Surrender your mind. Surrender. Surrender. Surrender...' The GPS spoke, incessantly repeating the word 'Surrender' in its computer monotone as the car drove up to a picturesque two-story cottage nestled into a grove of autumnal trees. An idyllic forest scene. The noise of the GPS began slowly rousing the passengers from their undignified slumber. 'You have reached your destination.'
"Friggin' finally, Jeez…" The healer groaned, a bit grouchy from being awakened from his clergy nap.
Sally instantly jolted awake as well, giddy with anticipation. "Oooh! Ooh! We're here! We're here! Grandma's house! Grandma's house!"
And sure enough, the front door of the cottage slid open, to reveal its lonely occupant. A set of emerald green robes billowed in the breeze. Hair done up in a stereotypical old-lady bun. A pair of horn-rimmed glasses adorning a petite face…
Otherwise, literally just a green palette-swap of Sally.
"Hi there! I'm, like, totally old!" Grandmage spoke, in exactly the same voice as Sally, before doing the exact same little cheer pose thing she does when excited.
"You don't look very old." Ari stated the obvious, as he floated from the car and stared.
"Hey yeah. You're, like, literally just a green Mage." The Anti-Messiah, who was busily fishing his bags from the car, also added. Half expecting something like this.
"I am too old!" Grandmage stuck her tongue back out at the boys.
"Are not." Ari retorted, sticking to his guns on this one.
"Are too!" She replied. Two can play at this game.
Before it could continue into an infinite loop, Sally dashed over, wrapping her allegedly geriatric doppelganger around the shoulders with her robe-clad arms into a heartfelt, Mage-sized bearhug. "Grandma! Grandma! I haven't seen you, in, like, forever! Grandmaaaa! What biiiiig eyes you have!"
"All the better to see you with, Sally dear!" Grandmage responded, with a wink.
"And Grandma… what pointy ears you have!" Sally continued, swaying side to side cutely.
"Mhm! All the better to hear you with!" Grandmage stuck her tongue out at her younger self.
"And Grandmaaa… what big teeth you have!" Sally finished.
"All the better to eat you with!" Grandmage cheered.
"Ehehe… wait whaaa?" Sally was confused for a moment. Then Grandma bit her right in the arm with a *chomp*. "HAAAAAAAAWWWW! QUIT IIIIIIIIIIIT!"
Fortunately, it wasn't very effective, as the Grandmage was not, in fact, a wolf. She rubbed the back of her head, with a bashful, apologetic look on her face. "Ahaha, sorry dear! I just wanted to try that to see if maybe some, like, big strapping woodsman type would hear it and come charging out of the forest and maybe ravish me or something!"
"Grand~maaaaaaa!" Sally, Kimberley, Ari, and the Anti-Messiah all said in unison, in a teasing, facetious manner, while winking and tilting their heads. It's clear that some things just run in the family.
"Ohohohoho. Well anyway! You young-uns must have had a, like, super exhausting drive up here. So howabout we all go inside and, like, talk about boring sentimental stuff! I'll have the Prinny bring in your luggage."
"Exhausting doesn't even begin to describe it…" The Anti-Messiah shrugged his shoulders, all slack-jawed. If he had eyes, which it's anyone's guess if he does or not, there'd be bags underneath them big enough to fill a kitchen trash can.
"Awaaahh… you have your own private Prinny!" The Mage was impressed, and quite jealous.
"Mhm, cuz I'm old! So I need, like, a strapping young lad to do stuff for me so I can be lazy and coast through my golden years on antisocial-security." Grandmage pointed out. "C'mon, let's gooooo!" She cheered, skipping enthusiastically into her house in an entirely not-old-lady manner, followed quickly by Sally, and the others.
Ari shrugged. 'Oh god there's two of them now' Was probably the foremost thought on his mind. As he crossed the threshold of the door though, his telepath sense twitched… he briefly paused, turning around to gaze over the forest.
That feeling of being watched was back. Something ominous was out, hiding in those glum looking trees. He passed it off as typical Netherworld ambiance for now, but he couldn't shake that feeling, even inside…
BGM: ~ The Witch and the Hundred Knight OST - Magical House ~
watch?v=Y-bKWMYG-vA
Meanwhile, at the Hell's Half Acre cemetery
Amidst a gloomy cemetery sort-of-evening, a lone light shone over the graveyard from the windows of the recently renovated house that had been commandeered by the Clergy and Skull. With the former away for the night, the boy wizard has a bit of breathing room to do some spells to hopefully unshackle himself from, or at least negotiate his way to favorable terms of, the contract he's in.
After getting patched up at Lori's Hospital, the Skull took the tomes that survived the impromptu reading from The Book of Zetta, and checked them out, taking them home in order to compose a spell based on their content. The various grimoires lay across the dining room table, along with a comically long parchment scroll which the Skull was carefully writing on with a magic quill and ink.
In the living room, Ralph's severed head sat in a brine jar, on the coffee table, pointed at the TV, which displayed a fishing show. Operation Catsaber was taking a cat nap in a laundry basket in the other room. And, popping her head out of a nearby flowerpot, was a certain forest fae…
"Hi~nii! I'm a fae-reeee!" Robin chirped excitedly, as she darted into the Skull's face and introduced herself.
"HYEH!" The Skull, startled by Robin's unexpected appearance, clutched his chest in a panic, going for his wand in order to fend off the assailant, until he realized it was a harmless fairy. "Oh… it's just you." He spoke, sounding rather unexcited to see her. Considering how his day has been, that is to be expected.
"Mhm! I'm here for a sleepover cuz everyone else is on vacation. Or too scary." Robin clasped her hands and swayed side to side cutely.
"Yes, well… I'm rather busy, you see. Trying to get a spell worked out to hopefully counteract the Red one's mischief." He spoke, continuing his calligraphy onto the arcane scroll.
"Ooh! Can I help?" Robin asked, eager to do something helpful and kind at least.
"No. Please leave." The Skull responded, bluntly.
"Nnh… fine, but you're a meanie!" She stuck her tongue out, then proceeded to flutter off towards the open window.
It was at that moment that the Skull noticed something. That amulet the fairy wore on her tiny neck. Specifically, the green crystal within it… "Actually… wait! Fairy. Forget what I said, please let me see that amulet."
"Hwah? Nuu! This is my special pendant! Without it, I'll die!" Robin wrapped her arms around her amulet, holding it close. Especially protective of it, with the memory of the attempted thievery by a certain Magic Knight fresh in her mind.
"I simply wish to examine it. A fairy without a magic lantern is a rarity. I would like to know what power such a trinket contains." The Skull spoke, walking closer to Robin.
"Well… okay, but no swiping it. Otherwise… I'll tell on you!" She puffed her chest up in an attempt to look stern and authoritative.
"Yes yes…" The Skull spoke dismissively, as he inspected the amulet. To his surprise, the crystal resonated with a certain magic power… a power he was very much familiar with. "This is… a Prisma Crystal!?"
"Uhhh… sure?" Robin brought her finger to her chin, tilting her head to one side.
"Yes… yes. This is the Green crystal. The Gaian Emerald. The Fragment of Nature and Kindness." He spoke, though at the same time, he thought to himself. 'Hmmfp. It would be the weakest and least useful one to fall into my lap.' "Fairy, how long have you had this?"
"Since forever!" She spoke. She can never think of a time without it. Now granted her ability to remember anything that happened more than a week ago is limited on the best of days…
"I see. Very well then, Fairy. You may stay for now, as I will need to study that Emerald once this spell is done. In the meantime, I suppose you should make yourself comfortable and not touch anything." The Skull sternly spoke.
"F…fine…" Robin hung her small head low, fluttering off like a scolded child. She flew into the living room. Seeing the fishing show on the TV attracted her attention though. The sights of a lake, nature, and fish appealed greatly to her, so she fluttered in to get really close to the screen… only to start to be yelled at by something shriveled up and green in a jar, with a label that read 'Sweet Gherkins' on the side.
"Hey! Boy! Close the damn window. Another thievin' magpie got in!" Ralph ranted, as was his crotchety old man custom.
"Eep! A talking crabapple!" Robin squealed, as she was barked at. "H…hey! I'm not a magpie! I'm not any kind of pie! You're gonna give that scary bone lady ideas. I'm a fairy!"
"Hey! Don'cha call me that, Tinkerbaum! Back in mah day we didn't have no fancy fairies. If we wanted to get wishes, we had to walk fifteen miles, uphill, both ways, to make a pact with some kinda two-headed bird monster and sell our souls!" Ralph responded.
"Uhhhmmmmm… my name is Robin?" The fae just tilted her head off to one side again, confused by the senile old man ranting.
"Robin? Ooooh! You must be one of lil' Sammy's friends. Sorry sorry. Ahh just get like that when my glipizide gets low!" The decapitated zombie continued.
"Uhh… if you mean Sally than yes!" Robin took a polite mid-air bow.
"Oh, that lil' whipper snapper's the life of this town! Say, why aren'cha hanging out now?" Ralph asked.
"Uhm… she and her friends got eaten by a Monster Car and went on something called a 'Woad Drip?' I think?" Robin responded.
"Oh, that's unfortunate. I remember that happened to me once back when I worked in the ol' Forge of Souls. We were buildin' Demon Engines for the war effort, an' wouldn'cha know it, one of the darn things got loose. Ate half the floor crew. Mutilated the other half. Came down to ol' Ralph to fight the dang ol' thing off with a Fire Hydrant! Thing was this big, too!" Ralph held out his phantom limbs for emphasis for his big demon-monster-robot-fish story… y'know. If he still had any.
"That's… uhm… a long story! Ooh, tell me a story about, like, smiles and flowers and nature and stuff?" Robin asked, as Ralph's story was somewhat boring to a fairy's sensibilities.
"Oh, hmm… don't got so many o' those… maybe the one time, when me and my first Wife went on our first date together. We went to go see the Corpse Flowers in the hell garden. Ahh, she loved flowers… what was her name again? Gretchin? Grandoline? Grandell? Bah, my memory's startin' ta go."
"Okaaaaaay? Well… corpse flowers sound kinda icky, so I'ma go…" The fairy quickly tired of listening to old man tales and decided to head toward the other end of the house.
Coming from the other direction, the Catsaber has woken from its cat nap, and was doing some kitty stretching before waddling into the main room. "Moraaaaawwwwwww!" It yawned.
(Translation: WHIPPING BOY, I REQUIRE MY NIGHTLY TITHE OF HEAVY CREAM AND TUNA FISH. CEASE YOUR MEANINGLESS SCRAWLINGS AND PROSTRATE YOURSELF BY PROVIDING MY REPASS.)
The Catsaber nearly stepped on the end of the scroll, which rolled out halfway across the kitchen floor. Only to receive a stern scolding by the Skull. "Psst! Bad cat. Don't step on my scroll. Any damage or inadvertent smudging could cause a disastrous reaction when it is cast! Go lay down."
"Myaowyao!" The cat responded.
(Translation: INSOLENT CUR! DO YOU PRESUME, NAY, DARE TO COMMAND ME?)
"Kitty!" Robin squeaked, fluttering directly over to the Slumber Cat, absolutely gushing at how adorable it was.
"Huuuuuuhhmwaow!" The Catsaber replied, hopping up on its teeny legs and grasping toward the fae.
(Translation: COME CLOSER, FLUTTERING BIRD ANALOGUE. COME CLOSER AND EMBRACE YOUR DESTINY. IF THIS FOOL CHILD WILL NOT PROVIDE ME SUSTENANCE, YOU SHALL!)
"Uhmm… big bro Ari says I shouldn't pet strange cats without permission cuz they could scratch though." Robin spoke, staying just out of reach of the kitten, as much as the urge to snuggle was real…
The Catsaber paused for a moment, rubbing its paw over its 'chin', and pondered. Coming up with a truly wicked and incipid scheme. After a few moments, it it responded. "Mew mew~"
(Translation: I WILL DEIGN TO LEAVE YOU UN-MAIMED THEN… FOR NOW. INSTEAD, ALLOW ME TO INDULGE YOUR PRIMITIVE AND JUVENILE SENSIBILITIES WITH AN ARTISTIC REPRESENTATION OF YOUR PITIFUL SOUL)
The Catsaber then pulled a box of crayons from its inventory pouch, holding it out towards Robin. "Mroaaaaw~"
(Translation: FESTOON THIS UNFURLED PARCHMENT OF FLAYED TREE-FLESH WITH THE SIGILS BEFITTING YOUR WALNUT-SIZED BRAIN. IT WILL IMPROVE THE INSOLENT BOY CREATURE'S DESIGN SUBSTANTIALLY)
Robin's eyes lit up at the prospect of arts and crafts. "Wow, really? Okay! Let's do it together!" She cheered.
"M'yeooow!" The Catsaber agreed, taking a couple of crayons, and giving the rest to the fairy.
(Translation: THEN LET IT BE SO. I SHALL PAINT IN RED, THE COLOR OF BLOOD. SEE HOW YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS TURN A SINKING COLOR, AND DESPAIR.)
And so, the fairy and catsaber proceeded to doodle on the end of the parchment scroll. A flower here, a bee there, some clouds, some cute plants and blades of grass, a puppy, a self-portrait of a kitty even! Heartfelt masterpiece artwork worthy of being stuck with a magnet to the front of any refrigerator!
The Skull was too focused on the other end of the parchment to notice. Using the last of his magic ink to finish his writing. A pact of lawful devilry, highlighting every loophole, statute, and precedent verdict under the strictest of demonic legal scrutiny. Even the devil himself wouldn't be able to lawyer his way out of this one, let alone a measly mass-printed Dark Assembly docket.
"Ahh, there. Finished. Now perhaps we can make some progress. Please turn down the lights and mute the TV for a moment, I need complete silence…"
The Catsaber tapped Robin on the shoulder, and the two darted away, out of view, the cat hitting a dimmer switch as it went past.
With a flick of his wand, the Skull lit arcane flame on the tips of a few dozen candles spread around the Kitchen. A heavy air of unholiness became palpable in the room. And then, he began his chant.
"*ahem* Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet." The Skull spoke. The text began to glow a pale blue color, and an ominous power began to fill the room. "Pelagus moribus de ludi, sed eiusmod tempor veniam ut leges istae e labore et dolore magna aliqua. Quaeso deus, exi me ex hoc contractu stupri. Gravissime quid feci hoc merui. Scio hoc esse infernum, sed vere. Hoc est quod dicis aeternum tormentum. Hic est iustus iners, stulte scribens et auctor spero angit flower bee fishbone smiling sun cloud wait wait what the f…!"
As soon as the text reached the drawings the fairy and cat made, the energy aura on the paper turned the colors of the crayon emblazoned on it as the spell malfunctioned… then a truly evil shade of Red began to fill the room, an oily black smoke appeared, and the whole building began to shake.
"No no no! Bad Kitty! BAD KITTY!" The Skull yelled, in a panic, as he desperately tried to calm the out-of-control spell, to no avail.
Robin sort of knew what was coming. And darted toward the window. But it was too late. The Spell exploded, blowing out of each and every window in the house. The fairy was sent flying by the blast, trailing smoke as she was launched at considerable velocity off into the night sky!
BGM: ~ Makai Kingdom OST – Demons Party ~
watch?v=Bs7fzO18qAw
Inside Grandma's House
"Ooh! Would you like some Tea perhaps?" The Grandmage suggested. This prompted an immediate response of approval from Kimberley.
"Tea would be lovely, ma'am." She nodded, causing her hair coils to spring slightly.
"Haven't you been drinking literally nothing but tea since we left the house?" Ari asked, Kimberley's Tea addiction having become rather concerning at this point.
"Oh, of course. But now it's time for evening Tea. A special blend of orange pekoe that catches the last of the day's rays of the Sun. Very much a tea for reflecting and ruminating upon the day with a splendid golden sunset." She spoke.
"But we're indoors. And the sun set like 20 minutes ago." Ari pointed out.
"Kid, don't argue it." The Anti-Messiah, none-too-eager to hear another tea sermon, shrugged as he flopped over the arm of the plaid-colored sofa that sat in the Grandmage's parlor. Her house was a bit larger than Sally's, and decorated with stereotypical old lady décor… well, a combination of that, and the same assortment of toys, games, and random magical items that was usually strewn across Sally's own cottage.
"Oh, you don't want Tea then?" The Grandmage asked, looking over at the Anti-Messiah.
"Hwuh? Of course I want Tea! I mean, why wouldn't I?!" The healer perked up, almost robbed of a free beverage by an unfortunate slip of the tongue.
"I don't. Gimmie some soda." Ari demanded.
"Tea would be good… but… uhm… so would soda. Ooh, or we could have hot cocoa!" Sally added.
"Okay! I'll make the Prinny get us some!" Grandmage spoke, before clapping her hands. From the other room, a Prinny in a maid bonnet waddled forth. "Yeah, Gran-dood! Whaddya need, dood?!"
"I need three Teas and two Sodas and some hot cocoa and a root beer float and a milkshake and a pina colada and some bubble tea and… uhm… oh! What did you three want again?" The Grandmage asked, while the put-upon prinny shrugged.
"Hawwwwh… you're so lucky to get a Prinny of your very own! I wanna have one someday…" Sally squeaked, full of jealousy.
"Just steal one of Kimberley's. That's what you do anyway, right?" Ari suggested.
"Please don't." Kimberley retorted in a dry deadpan, shooting down that idea quickly.
"Oh, lil' Sally. It's been hard ever since Grandpa disappeared in that tragic vacation to the center of the Carnage Dimension that I totally didn't set him up for. I just need a Prinny to help with housekeeping and laundry." Grandmage lamented. Curiously enough, she did get this nice house from the death insurance payout…
"Waaaahhh… I miss Grandpaaaaaa!" Sally looked rather saddened. No less manic than she always is, but saddened.
"I didn't know Demons had grandparents. Or parents for that matter." Ari commented.
"It's… uhh… complicated. Heck, look at ol' curly here. Her mommy is a literal Tree!" The Anti-Messiah chimed in, pointing over to Kimberley with his thumb.
"We don't speak ill of Mother Magnolia." The Archer retorted.
"Don't be sad, lil' Sally! Grandpa would be proud if he could see you now. You've got, like, a kick-ass adventure squad, and an amazing collection of trophy boyfriends!" Grandmage clapped in approval, figuring that's what Ari and the Healer were.
"We're not her boyfriends!" Ari and the Anti-Messiah spoke up in unison.
"Oh! Well in that case, I'll take this one!" Grandmage proclaimed, leaping out of her rocking chair and grabbing the Anti-Messiah about the waist. The healer squirmed like an eel in her grasp. "Wait nononononono! I mean… I'm fine with older women but… you're, like, totally not let's get real here…"
"Besides, he's already got that skull as a boyfriend." Ari nodded.
"Mhm! I made them boyfriend and boyfriend!" Sally beamed. Proud of her accomplishment.
"Even better!" Grandmage had stars in her eyes at this revelation.
"I'm not anyone's boyfriend!" The Healer wiggled.
"Who are you trying to convince. Us? Or you?" Ari asked, interlacing his fingers and looking over the brow of his nose like a mafia don, as he sat back in his chair.
The Clergy decided it was time for a distraction. "Oi! Red! Didn't you say you two were gonna do, like, I 'unno. Stereotypical Grandma's house stuff? Bake gingerbread cookies or listen to old records or something?"
"Hey yeaaaahhh. Grandmaaaaa! Do you know what time it is?" Sally asked, hopping from her chair and adopting a sort of boxer's pose.
"Ooh! I almost forgot!" Grandmage tossed the Clergy aside. The healer taking the opportunity to slink away and hide behind some furniture. And then, a vortex of wind magic shot up around the green Mage. "It's time to combine our power!"
BGM: ~ Disgaea 2 OST – Prinny my love! ~
watch?v=YhZP5zHYdjE
Sally responded in kind, a blaze of hellfire engulfing her, as she did an over the top Super Saiyan sort of knockoff pose. "…With the wind in our hair and our powers combined!..."
Grandmage did an equally punchy pose. "…With the wisdom of ages and the magic of youth! It's time for us to get together, and begin…"
The two then raised their arms into the air, with Grandmage producing a pair of knitting pins and Sally presenting a yarn ball.
"ULTIMATE OLD LADY MAGE POWER TURBO KNITTING!" Sally and Grandmage yelled in unison, each doing a needlessly dramatic pose, as a bunch of explosions went off behind them! The dynamic duo then leapt up, somersaulted in mid air, before landing on their backsides on the sofa, and then… proceeded to begin knitting.
"Wooooooooow…" Ari deadpanned, as the heavy metal grade pyro effects died down.
"Hey! Ari! Kimberley! Healer! Why don't you guys join us in ULTIMATE OLD LADY MAGE POWER TURBO KNITTING?" Sally asked, as she started to make a little square of fabric.
"I would, but my Tea has just arrived, you see." Kimberley spoke, smiling warmly at the over-the-top display, while the Prinny waddled over, providing beverages.
"I only sew limbs and corpses back together! Knitting isn't an applicable medical technique!" The Anti-Messiah, who was trying (rather successfully) to disguise himself as a cluster amaryllis in a nearby potted plant container, chimed in.
"Uhh… I like breaking things more than making things." Ari admitted, shrugging his shoulders. "I bet Robin would know how to knit though. I wonder what she's doing right now? Hmm…" the boy pondered.
BGM: ~ Prinny 2 OST – Prinny Fantasy ~
watch?v=5dC6JD5guV8
Later that night, at Violet's apartment
Like most of the other adventurers, Violet and Alessa had spent most of the day doing their own thing. A brisk morning of training followed by… shopping and hanging out. The two sparring partners had become fast friends, and Violet had even allowed Alessa to stay at her apartment while working for the Guild.
As night set in, the Valkyrie was lying on the sofa, watching the latest episode of 'If Revya had a Text to Speech device' on TV, eating straight out of a tub of neapolitan ice cream. Why would such a health nut stoop to such a level, you ask? It was a 'cheat day' is why.
Violet meanwhile was in the shower, washing her long, purple colored hair. Surrounded by steaming hot water, suds, and humidity that caused the shower door to fog up.
At the risk of getting shampoo in her eyes, she blindly felt around on the shelves to find some haircare product. "Now where did I put the conditioner?" She asked, to no one in particular.
"Here you go." Robin replied, handing her the bottle.
"Oh thank you, Robin- NANI!?" Violet nearly slid and fell over out of shock and surprise as she noticed the fairy fluttering near her, wearing a tiny fairy-sized shower cap, and a washcloth as a towel. "How did you- What are you doing in here!?"
"It's a sleepover party!" Robin spread her tiny fairy arms out in proclamation.
"Is that… so?" Violet blinked a few times, covering her vital regions with her arms, more out of shock and reflex than anything.
"Mhm, I tried to sleep over with everyone else but they're all busy, so I decided I'd hang out with you!" Robin clasped her hands behind her back and grinned. "Is now a bad time?"
Violet just made a deadpan gaze at the fairy, who seems to have no sense of personal space. But alas, 'tis a fairy. Too cute to be mad at in any case. The very-highly-un-armored knight clucked her tongue and shrugged. "Well… I suppose I can't be mad. Yes, you can stay over tonight. Just please knock before entering next time."
"Okay!" Robin saluted.
Violet turned off the water, exited the shower, and grabbed a towel to wrap around her midsection. Robin meanwhile, picked up a toothbrush and used it as a magic wand, causing her washrag and showercap to go *poof* and transform into her usual fairy dress.
"Now then, Alessa already has the guest room, so I'll have to find somewhere for you to stay, hmm… I should have a shoebox or a casserole dish that's the right size to make a bed for you." Violet exited the bathroom in naught but the toga towel to begin her search, while the fairy fluttered just behind her.
Her apartment had quite a bit more mundane, functional flair than Sally's cottage, Kimberley's mansion, Momoko's hoard, Yasumi's nightmare-tent, or Ralph's old-geezer-house. Lots of storage cabinets shelves too, which Violet set about rifling through to find accommodations for the fairy.
While the knight was distracted, the fairy's curiosity led her through the kitchen, past the sofa that Alessa was lazing about on, and then down an open laundry chute. Fluttering out the exit into a laundry room, she fluttered past various baskets of unmentionables, as well as the stand Violet kept her armor on when not in use. Beyond that, was a curiously ajar door.
The fairy quickly floated in and flipped on a light switch. The room, which looked like a simple linen closet from the outside, was actually full of a suspicious quantity of leather. Including a lot of odd-looking contraptions. And chains. And whips. And restraints…
"Hey! Miss Violet! What about this room! It's got a bed and everything!" Robin, utterly oblivious and comically innocent, queried.
"GAAAAAAAH!" Violet quickly charged down the stairs and into the room, grabbed Robin, carried her out, then shut the door behind her, standing protectively in front of it. The woman was blushing profusely. "Ahh! Nononono! You don't want to stay in there! That's the… ahh… exercise room!"
"Hey! You didn't tell me you had an exercise room. You shoulda told me when you let me stay here!" And, with impeccable timing, Alessa, who had overheard the conversation, walked down the stairs into the laundry room as well.
"Hwah…oh… I… uhh… ahh… hehehe… well… you see… ah…" Violet stammered, her face now glowing roughly the same color of molten steel due to the sheer embarrassment and absurdity of the scene, while trying frantically to think of a reply. "I, uhh… hey! Can you… help me set up a guest bed for the fairy real quick!"
"What's in that room?" Alessa cocked an eyebrow and frowned. She wasn't buying it.
"Please. Help. Me. Set. Up. A. Guest. Bed. For. The. Fairy." Violet spoke, through gritted teeth, as she wrapped her rather muscular arm around Alessa's neck and dragged her up the stairs.
"Ack… okay… okay! Bed for a fairy… just… not so tight!" Alessa held tightly, trying to get free, as she was dragged off.
"Hmmfp. That's what they all say..." Violet replied, ominously.
Robin just stared at the two, puzzled by the display, but then shrugged it off. She decided to cheer the duo up by using her fairy magic! Darting back into the 'Exercise room', she decided to pretty it up with some foliage and nature! Singing her cute little fairy song, she cast some of her healing and nature spells onto the various whips, ropes, saddles, racks, and other questionable furnishings in the room, causing all of them to sprout poison ivy vines all over them.
"There! Violet and Alessa will be so happy next time they exercise in here! They'll thank me later." Robin proclaimed, placing her dainty hands on her hips and jutting her fairy chest out, beaming with pride at a job well done as she fluttered out of the room to join the other two.
BGM: ~ Phantom Brave OST – Dark Trick ~
watch?v=Fw-NDwM5odo
Midnight, back at Grandma's house
After a long evening of knitting, and various other Old Mage shenanigans, and a sugar crash following dinner, everyone was well and truly worn out, and decided to turn in for the night. Sally and Kimberley were both sharing the guest room. Grand-mage had managed to hog-tie the Anti-Messiah with the lasso she knitted together earlier, and dragged him off to her room.
That left Ari sleeping alone, on the sofa in the living room. A kitschy quilt draped over him and his head resting on a throw pillow.
The full moon rose high in the sky, its dim light dappling down through the leaves and tree branches, illuminating the small clearing the Grandmage's house resided in. But the forest further afield around the home was dark. Claustrophobic, and possessed of many dangers. The creaking and thrush of tree limbs blown by the midnight breeze added a certain spooky ambiance outside.
Ari was finding it hard to sleep. Partly due to the general wackiness of the antics of the day, but partly due to some nagging premonition. Nevertheless, as the night dragged on, he gradually began to doze off.
Dreams. Dreams were usually one of those things he usually dreaded. They always clawed at him. Dragged him back. Back to those early days…
"Do it, Ari. See the creature in the Cage? Unleash your power. Destroy it." The familiar-yet-alien voice commanded. It commanded authority, but every reverberation stoked terror and rage in the boy.
The creature in the cage sobbed.
Ari didn't recognize the creature. His mind's eye could only see a cage with something cute and helpless, surrounded by blackness. Something helpless inside. Was it Robin? Sally? Something else?
"I have no need for her anymore, Ari." The Dark voice spoke again. More sobbing could be heard behind him. A different voice.
"Don't do it, Ari! Please!" She cried out.
Ari tried to speak, tried to protest, but his voice felt silent. A barely audible croak and whisper smothered by the dreamscape around him.
"See the creature in the Cage? Destroy it." The voice spoke again. Distant, looming. An abject fear washed over Ari as he tried to look at it. His powers felt weak, impotent, as he tried to counter, to break free.
"Ari! Stoooop!" She pleaded again.
Ari could not protest. Could not fight it. Instead, all he could do was cry. His soul felt like it was being wrenched one way or another. "N…noooo!"
A blade appeared in the hands of the unseen. Pressed against the throat of the innocent. "One…"
"Noooooooooo!" Ari could not raise his voice.
"Two…"
Ari couldn't save her. He couldn't. He couldn't save them all. He felt his mind contract. His power takes over. The Cage buckled and a scream was heard within.
BGM: ~ Disgaea 5 OST – Break Free ~
watch?v=jD_Qrlfn7Cw
And then, something grabbed Ari, jolting him awake. A hand covered his mouth and some kind of metal tendril wrapping around his waist. He reached for his bat, but another mechanical limb grasped his arm, restraining it, and yanking him from the bed and darted out the front door with stealth and speed.
The kidnapper flew out of the house. Ari couldn't see who they were. They did not speak. They merely bound and gagged him and hovered over the grass and into the forest clearing, wasting no time. Ari tried to weakly fight back, his fists balled, but unable to escape the segmented metallic tendrils binding him.
Trying desperately to focus through the panic, he telekinetically grabbed at whatever objects he could out in the yard, managing to uproot some of Sally's Grandma's bird-feeders, lawn gnomes, and plastic pink flamingos, launching them at his attacker.
This was enough to knock the mysterious person off balance, causing the two of them to tumble to the ground. What at first looked like a metal squid began writhing and trying to reorient itself, as Ari fell to the ground, covered in scuffs and bruises. He shambled to his feet, and in the dappling moonlight of the forest clearing, he could finally glimpse his attacker.
A masked girl stood before him. No taller or older than Himself. Her body was scarred, and deformed, with metal cybernetics crudely grafted onto her limbs, and a glowing visor over her eyes. Mechanical tentacles tipped in grasping claws sprouted from some sort of backpack-like device. And oddly, a small gold badge was worn on her chest, resembling a globe with a thunderbolt through it. This was clearly not a Demon of any type, or the creation of any Netherworld agency. No, the technology it was created with was far too advanced.
"Target disrupting extraction procedure. Trosune subprime resistance quotient still within mitigatable parameters. Calculated constriction process – Engaged. Extraction tasking - unchanged." She spoke. The girl's voice had a hollow, emotionless, mechanistic filter to it. Emphasizing syllables oddly, sounding like the words were being forced into her brain from elsewhere, and she was speaking like a mere puppet.
Ari struggled to come up with any words. Flashbacks to his dreams began to flood into his mind. He didn't remember clearly, but he knew he didn't want to go back. He would not go back. "Th… the others are here, they'll hear you…"
"Unbidden inferno-archanosomatic actors outside of audible input radius." The girl spoke, her voice still in the mechanistic monotone.
Ari's eyes darted across the girl, to her mask, to her badge. Was this the girl from his dream? He… felt something familiar, but couldn't tell what this twisted and ruined creature was. "…who… are… you!?"
The masked girl did not respond to the question. Instead she spoke another odd string of words, as if speaking to an invisible handler. "Initiating code-nine process. Incise. Extract."
In a flash, the masked girl launched toward Ari again. He tried to resist, holding a bunch of random lawn ornaments and sticks in front of himself with his telekinesis as a makeshift shield. The masked girl swept a tendril through, smashing it all aside. She wrapped her mechano-tendrils around Ari, holding him in an unbreakable deathgrip, constricting and squeezing him until he could barely breathe, then darting towards the forest's edge, floating above the ground.
But then, just as she was about to escape with her prize, a sudden wave of green-colored healthful vigor and fertility spread across the thorny bushes and shrubs at the edge of the forest, which suddenly grew explosively, filled with so much health that they burst into thrashing razor tendrils, which whipped directly at the masked girl, knocking her backwards into the clearing.
"Oi! Scrub! Where do you think you're going with my guinea pig? Y'know how many experimental potions I've been slipping into his food? I've got money ridin' on that kid. So let him go if ya' know what's good for you!" A Clergy in its raw state spoke, rather grouchily.
Bereft of makeup, hair hanging down to his waist, and wearing a pair of leopardskin briefs (and nothing else), the Anti-Messiah strode forward. Staff in hand, and ready to lay an unholy smackdown on whoever this lame-o was.
He was followed by a pair of Mages. Both with a severe case of bed-head. Both wearing green and pink but otherwise matching nightgowns and slippers respectively (bunny slippers for Grandma, catsaber ones for Sally).
"Hey! No stealing my adventure squad people! Only I'm allowed to kidnap them. Get your oooooown!" Sally squeaked shrilly, conjuring a flame on the end of her staff.
"Yeah, and, like, breaking into my house to do it, too! You kids these days are, like, the woooorst! I'm gonna, like, totally thrash you until you say you're sorry!" Grandmage added, brandishing a cane she used as a staff, and twirling it in a circle, and causing an ominous wall cloud to start to manifest in the sky overhead.
The Masked girl still clutched Ari tightly as he struggled to get free. "Status update. inferno-archanosomatic actors active. Change in threat level, 49%. Debriding."
Lunging up into the air, the Masked girl spun around, launching a barrage of heat-seeking micro-missiles from concealed launchers in her shoulder pauldrons. The missiles lanced forward, but a quick-thinking Sally cast her fireball forth into a vast flame wall, confusing the heat-seeking missiles and causing them to fly all over the place, blasting harmlessly across the lawn.
"Hey! Get, uhm… that boy kid you like so much away from the Robo-monster!" Grandmage commanded, as she conjured gusts of wind to blow the Masked Girl to and fro.
"Alright, pal. You asked for it!" The Anti-Messiah spoke, directing his uber-healed plant tendrils to lance upwards, grabbing the mechanical limbs holding Ari, and trying to yank him away, initiating a tug of war between the two. Ari was barely conscious under the suffocating grip but conjured a last burst of power to telekinetically push the tendrils away, allowing himself to fall free of their grip, flopping to the ground.
"Alright. Squishy human's free. You may fire when ready, Granny!" The Anti-Messiah spoke.
"Ehehehehe~ Alright! Sally, you ready to do it together?" Grandmage squeaked in excitement.
"Mhm, mhm! Let's use… Team Attaaaaack!" She cheered. Both Mages raised their staves and cast a simultaneous Omega Wind and Omega Fire at the Masked Girl. An F5 tornado descended from the clouds above and thrashed violently upon the foe. A dragon-shaped gout of fire emerged from Sally's staff and dove into the tornado, creating a fire whirl which lit up the night sky.
Not one to be left out, the Anti-Messiah cackled and cast an Omega Star down through the eye of the storm, simultaneously blowing, incinerating, and obliterating the attacking cyborg, and creating a massive crater of devastation in the middle of the yard.
Ari lay, seemingly unconscious in the grass next to the crater. Sally frowned, in uncharacteristic worry over the boy. "Uhm, hey! Healer! Go make sure Ari is, like, alive and not dead-icated and killed-ified."
"Yeah, humans are, like, super weak. It'd be, like, hecka-sad if your cute and handsome boy-pet got squished!" Grand-mage added. Demons have a rather skewed sense of morality towards mortals, but even they are wise to the gravity of the situation.
"Alright alright, fine. Can't have my lab rat getting killed to death. Would totally mess up my experiments." The Anti-Messiah shrugged his bare shoulders as he strode over to the boy, and waved his staff across him, and cast a basic heal spell to mend whatever injuries he may have sustained. "There, kid. Now when you wake up, you owe me 20 buck-"
Before he could finish his sentence, the Clergy was drop-kicked clear across the zone as the Masked Girl burst out from the crater and lunged. "OWIEMYINNARDS!"
"She's not deeeeeeead!" Sally squealed.
"All systems operating at Estimated 98% capacity. Hostile actors identified. Combat routines adapting to known archanosomatic entities. Initiating optimized response."
The masked girl knew she was fighting Mages and countered their spells by using her lethal speed to close the distance, and proceeded to thrash about with her mechanical limbs. Sally attempted to parry with her staff, but was smacked right in the midriff and sent flying, before clumsily landing on her face nearby.
Grandmage was also struck, but her higher base stats from being a higher level Mage allowed her to recover quickly. She picked up her metal walker and charged forth against the Masked Girl. "You'd better, like, respect your eeeeldeeeeeers!" She squealed, attempting to malice the robot with the device, but this ended up being… rather ineffectual.
The masked girl swept with her tendrils, knocking the Grandmage off her feet and to the ground. "Haaawwww! That was, like, my good hiiiiip! Where's my strapping young boy toy healer to, like, save me!" She whined, in an exaggerated manner.
"O…ooowww…" The Anti-Messiah groaned. Embedded headfirst in a blackberry bush on the edge of the property. Well and truly knocked out of the fight.
With all three casters down and out, the mechanical girl turned once again to Ari, who was struggling to wake up and get to his feet.
"Debride completed. Resuming service. Recovering Trosune Subprime and initiating exfiltration."
The Masked girl darted over to Ari, again seeking to grab him and run. Just as the tendrils descended around him, Ari dodged to the side in a burst of telekinetic energy, grabbing the Anti-Messiah's dropped staff.
"I. am. not. going with YOU!" Ari spoke up.
Ari spoke up.
He swung the staff like a bat, adding his telekinesis to the swing, and striking the masked girl right on the visor, with enough force to cause it to crack, sending the girl reeling.
And for a moment, he thought he saw a glimpse of someone familiar…
The counter-attack was swift and terrible. The masked girl lunged forward and knocked Ari flat on his back, raising her tendrils to grab him. A cold, terrible, steely gaze looking down. There was nothing familiar about this cruel and ruined face.
…but just then, a volley of magic arrows shot across the field. Each hit with surgical precision, severing the mechanical tendrils and striking the backpack machine the masked girl wore, sending her careening onto the ground.
BGM: ~ Disgaea 4 OST – Crimson Cross ~
watch?v=ltM52UikIGY
From atop the GrandMage's house, silhouetted against the full moon, stood Kimberley. Clad in a billowing, pastel blue nightshirt, fuzzy slippers, and the mother of all hair curlers.
"Excuse me. Miss." She spoke. Her stoic and regal voice cut the tension in the air like a knife as she gazed down at the scene. "That human you appear so intent on abducting is under the official protection of the Dark Assembly, as represented by myself, Senator Kimberley. As a valued asset and dear acquaintance, I will not be allowing him to be taken from my grace nor come to harm."
The Masked girl recovered quickly, rolling over and getting to her cybernetic feet. The arrow barrage had severed all of her extra tendril-limbs and, thus, most of her available firepower. A cursory scan of the Archer identified her as a Level 4000 Legendary Senator, with stats banked from hundreds of reincarnations.
And if the scowl on her face was any indication, the Archer was most, most cross.
"Recalculating current combat power. Weapon systems compromised by 78%. Support chassis integrity compromised by 23%. Archanosomatic Prime identified. Class: Crown. Operational parameters unchanged. Debriding." The masked girl spoke, preparing to lay down one last mighty alpha strike against the Archer. Her right arm transformed into a powerful blaster cannon, and her shoulder pauldrons opened up, to release another barrage of missiles.
"I believe I made myself clear. Have I not?" Kimberley spoke, unmoved by the attack. She drew a single magic arrow, charged with each of the four cardinal elements of the Netherworld, and unleashed it. A swathe of arcane power wrapped around the arrow, detonating or deflecting all of the missiles, and forcing itself through the laser beam as if it were a hand held up against a garden hose, before striking the hand of the masked girl and detonating, sending her flying limply backwards.
The arm-cannon, and arm itself were mangled, and it was clear the Masked Girl was barely able to fight anymore.
"Now. Leave. Or I will be forced to take further actions which will leave me with some rather unwelcome paperwork tomorrow." The Archer spoke. In anticipation, she split herself into about a dozen phantasmal copies, each translucent and in a slightly different color. Her Doppleganger ability. The Legion of Archer clones all drew back on their bows, preparing to unleash a massive barrage if the Masked Girl did not relent.
A cold decision went through her mechanical mind. "Recalculating current combat power. Weapon systems compromised by 99%. Support chassis integrity compromised by 50% Archanosomatic Prime combat capability exceeds estimates by 21,000% Primary objective untenable. Initiating tasked withdraw."
The Masked Girl then released a series of smoke bombs, obscuring the area, and then darted back into the forest from whence she came, sparks flying from her extremities as she did so.
BGM: ~ Disgaea 2 OST – Heroic Blues ~
watch?v=ctKF_O-D0mY
Kimberley sighed, dispelled her magic clones, then did an acrobatic aerial somersault off of the roof to land gracefully on the ground.
"Hey! I, like, saw up Kimberley's skirt! Also ooooowwww my riiiiibs!" Sally whined.
"Not now, Sally." Kimberley was unmoved. The intensity of the situation was not lost on her. She strode over to Ari, picking up the Anti-Messiah's staff, and casting a wide healing spell with an Archer's surprising amount of RES to restore her bruised and battered companions. She then knelt down next to the human boy, who was clearly shaken up about the whole affair.
"Ari… are you okay? Did that creature hurt you?" Kimberley asked, placing a hand on his shoulder to comfort him.
"I mean… you just, ow… healed him… ow ow… so he should… OW! Be… OW! Oka… OW OW!" The Anti-Messiah squeaked as he attempted to extricate himself from the blackberry bramble.
"That's not what I mean." Kimberley replied. Demons were far less prone to mental trauma, due to their rather idiosyncratic nature, and it's clear that, whatever that thing was, has stirred something up inside Ari. Kimberley was introspective enough to see this.
"I'm… I'll be fine." He spoke, his voice still low, but a bit less steady than usual.
"Are you sure? Do you have any idea who that person who attacked you was?" Kimberley asked.
"I don't think so. I've never seen a machine like that before." Ari replied. Though perhaps he wasn't being entirely accurate, those were clearly memories he'd rather not confront. "I don't think I want to talk about it right now."
Kimberley nodded, reassuringly. "I understand. Come now, let's get back to sleep. I'll let you stay in my room. You will be safe."
"Mhm, mhm! I'll put up some magic wards and put the Prinny on watch in case they come back, too." Grandmage nodded, setting to work establishing a perimeter with her own magics.
"Waaaait. Wouldn't having a boy sleeping in the same room as you be kinda ew?" Sally asked, as she shambled to her feet.
"Pfff, this coming from someone who has how many naughty boy Mangas under her bed?" The Anti-Messiah asked, as he stumbled out of the bramble. "Also could you, like, continuously heal me when I'm trying to swim through a sea of ouchy branches? That'd be great." The healer squeaked, as he picked his way out of the blackberry bramble, before picking up a discarded lawn flamingo and using it as a makeshift staff, but just then…
"Mhm. Perhaps next time. I'm certain a 'medical professional' of your caliber can heal yourself under such circumstances and oh my evilness." Kimberley blinked as she looked at the healer, then looked away.
"What?" The Anti-Messiah asked in confusion.
"Waaah! My innocence!" The Mage covered her eyes. Of course she peeked between her fingers and giggled like a schoolgirl at the sight though.
"What is it?" The Healer was blissfully unaware.
"It's really small." Ari added, returning to his usual comically emotionless deadpan in short order.
"Awwww, don't say thaaat. It's just petite and needs to be nurtured!" Grandmage responded.
"As an agent of the dark assembly I'd like to formally request for you to keep this exchange T-rated." Kimberley insisted.
"Not if I have anything to say about it!" The GrandMage stuck her tongue out at the Archer.
"T-rated? What are you dorks talking abo-" Kimberley pointed over the disrobed Clergy's shoulder to where his undies rested in the blackberry bramble. "-oh."
As the trio teased the Clergy for his impromptu exposure, Ari turned around to look over the wreckage left by the masked girl. A small gold object amidst the metal debris caught his eye, glinting in the moonlight. That badge she wore. A badge he once wore. He walked over and took the metal object in his hand.
"Oh? What's that? Looks shiny!" The Mage asked, as she took notice of Ari having valuables.
"Something… I forgot." He spoke, somberly as he examined the badge.
"Hmm? That symbol… I don't recognize it, though I'd like to study that badge so we can find out where that attacker came from." Kimberley spoke as she strode over to the scene.
"No. I'm keeping this." Ari spoke, rather unusually to the point. His voice spoke of determination as he pinned the badge to his chest. "I think it's something I lost before I came here…"
"Would you be willing to elaborate?" Kimberley asked, calmly.
"I said I don't want to talk about it right now." Ari replied.
Kimberley nodded. "Very well. We'll worry about it in the morning. Until then, let's get some sleep. Remember Ari, you're safe here with us. No matter what, we will never let you come to harm."
"I… thank you." Ari nodded, unsure how to express his gratitude. But gratitude there was, for these Demons had proven that, for all their sociopathy and mania, they were willing to stick their necks out to protect him.
The Irony is not lost on him, but no matter how he got here, these Demons have become his true companions. The first he's had, in a very, very long time…
Chapter 9 – End
BGM: ~Persona 4 OST – Reach Out to the Truth~
watch?v=unSZUF3T5oQ
NEXT EPISODE!
Sally: "It's investigation time~! My name is Sally Hanamura, a member of Hell's Half-Acre's very own Investigation Team!" *She pulls out, and puts on a pair of glasses that look oddly stylish on her.* "We're back in the TV world again, fighting Shadows and seeking the truth! A killer's on the loose, and we're like, totally gonna find him!" *She points at her teammates.* "These're my friends, and fellow members! The classy and elegant Kimberly Amagi, who's like, totally loaded with HL!"
Kimberly: "Sally, is this really a good time for this?"
Sally: "The hyper-active carnivore; Alessa Satonaka!"
Alessa: "I'll punt these Shadows into next week!"
Sally: "Our lovable mascot; Prinny!"
Prinny: "Heya, dood! I'm here to bring the penguin on these guys. … Dood."
Sally: "Our fearsome bruiser, Violet Tatsumi!"
Violet: "H- Hey! Someone stole my animal crackers!"
Sally: *Chewing on a handful of animal crackers.* "Mmph… We even got an idol on our hands! Give it up for our star navigator; Robin Kujikawa!"
Robin: "Yahoo~! I'm gonna give everyone all my love and support!"
Sally: "The detective prince herself; Skull Shirogane!"
Skull: "It's about time my deductive skills were- wait, what do you mean 'herself'? I'm a-"
Sally: "And last but not least, our fearless leader, and my partner to the very end! Ari Narukami!"
Ari: "Persona!" *He raises his hand, a Fool tarot card floating down into his palm before he crushes it.* "Izanagi!" *Behind him, a black-cloaked figure wielding a naginata appears, before darting forward and cleaving a giant black orb with a creepy, oversized mouth, bringing it down. He adjusts his glasses afterwards.*
Sally: "Isn't he so cool?! Alright everyone, let's do this! All-Out Attack!" She calls out, before everyone rushes the enemy all at once, kicking up a massive cloud of dust that covers up the beating they're giving this thing. When the dust settles, the Shadow dissolves into black goo.*
BGM: ~Persona 4 OST – Results~
watch?v=DzkklgSJf8o
Sally: "Next time, on Disona 4; The Golden, we're gonna confront the true culprit; Lunaris Adachi, and totally bring him to justice!"
Yosuke: "Dude! What the hell? You can't just steal our whole thing!"
Momoko: "Wanna bet, nyao?"
(Special thanks to Ari AKA Davedave000 for writing this skit.)