Match MakerLuffy (Technically not ZoSan. Pre-relationship. More Nakamaship and silliness than anything)
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"Saaaaaaaaaaanji! Zoooooooooooooro!" Luffy called loudly as he catapulted himself on the deck of the Thousand Sunny. To his luck he landed right on top of one of the two men he was looking for. Zoro was almost knocked out completely from the hit, but was managing to keep consciousness somehow.
Luffy on the other hand made note of how reliable his first mate was, he was so nice to cushion Luffy's landing!
"Hi Zoro!" Luffy laughs before calling again for his cook, "Saaaaaaaaaaaaanji!"
Sanji walks out of the galley, cigarette in hand. "Oi, what is with all the shouting?" He leans against the railing.
"I have an order for you and Zoro."
Zoro finally manages to gain complete consciousness and sits up, knocking off the rubber man. "Get off me!" Zoro yells, all sharp teeth and angry eyes. Luffy laughs at the silly face Zoro is making, and adjusts the straw hat on his head.
"Oh? Didn't even realize Marimo was there, blends in with grass."
"Shut is love-cook! You're next!" Zoro threatens but all Sanji does is roll his eyes.
"Algie doesn't scare me"
"You really wanna fight, don't ya!?" Zoro is grabbing for a katana.
One of Luffy's hands stretches out to grab Sanji and drag him to the bottom deck, the blond letting out a yelp of surprise as he connects hard with the deck. Luffy has an arm around his waist. Luffy's other arm wraps around Zoro's neck as he drags both injured men into an awkward hug, although with his arm around Zoro's neck he's strangling him. Not that Luffy notices.
Sanji tries to wiggle out of his captain's hug with little success. "What is this about Luffy? You said you had an order for us?"
"Yes!" Luffy is beaming, "A captain's order!"
Luffy had luckily loosened his grip on the swordsman's neck, "What is it?" Zoro manages to ask. It is now Zoro's turn to try to escape the embrace, although for the time it seems Sanji has accepted his fate.
"You two have to fall in love and get married!"
"WHAT?" Both of Luffy's crewmates yell in unison.
"No way!" Zoro adds.
"Why would you ask something so awful of us? You can't just order people to fall in love." Sanji says much calmer but a worried look on his face.
"But you have to!" Luffy pouts, "Although you don't have to get married I guess. I just added it on because if you're in love why wouldn't you?"
Sanji sighs, and tries again, "Why would we have to?"
"Doesn't matter why!" Zoro interjects, "It's not gonna happen!" Zoro picks up his struggle to get out of Luffy's grasp only causing the rubber man to tighten his grip once more and go back to strangeling the swordsman.
Luffy answers Sanji, "Because I can't become king of the pirates if you're not."
"That's ridiculous, why would you think that?" The cook asks.
Zoro is trying to say something and is thrashing around while his face gets redder and redder but is ignored by both other men.
"There is the future-future fruit, and a lady in town ate it. She can see one thing into each person's future. She said that if you two didn't fall in love that I would never be able to be king of the pirates."
"Why would I need to love a one braincelled musclehead for you to become king? Luffy I'm sorry, but that doesn't even make sense."
"I will be king" Luffy says stubbornly releasing both crew members to cross his arms over his chest. "Don't worry though" Luffy smiles, "I'll help you two fall in love!"
Sanji grimances but doesn't comment on it, instead nudging Zoro with his foot. Zoro looks surprisingly pale and his spirit is trying to escape his body.
…
Chopper, Luffy and Usopp sit on the railing after they had left the small island, fishing.
"How can I get Zoro and Sanji to fall in love?"
Chopper humms, "I don't think that's something you can force."
"Sure you can!" Usopp puffs up his chest and sticks his long nose proudly into the air, "I have been in love many times, and had many women fall in love with me too."
"Really?" Both Luffy and Chopper ask in unison, eyes sparkling.
"Mmm-hmm" Usopp nods.
"Tell me your secrets!" Luffy is practically jumping up and down, "How can I get them to fall in love?"
"Listen closely, anytime anyone has ever fallen in love it always happens the same way. As long as you follow the steps even those two will fall in love."
"What are the steps?" Luffy is so excited, this is perfect!
"The great captain Usopp will write it down for you!" Usopp wrote down a quick list and handed it to Luffy.
A date
A kiss
Talk about feelings
Sex
"Wow, only four steps!"
"Yes Luffy, anyone will fall in love if they do those four steps"
Luffy turned his head to the side looking at the first step, "What kind of date?" He asked out loud to no one in particular.
"Anything romantic. Most do a romantic dinner though."
"I can do that!" Luffy cheers. "I'll be king for sure!"
…
Luffy barges into the kitchen where Sanji is getting started on lunch.
"Sanji! I need meat!"
"Wait for lunch" Sanji replies automatically.
"No, not for lunch. I need extra meat for dinner, lots and lots of it. I won't even eat it, it's not for me."
This grabs the blonds attention, "It's not for you?"
Luffy grins brightly, "Not for me, but I need lots of it!"
Sanji turns completely to his captain, hand on his hip. "You promise it's not for you?"
"Yes!"
"Are you going to eat any of it?"
"Well maybe some."
Sanji turns away from him, "No."
That makes Luffy frown, "Okay I won't eat any. Pleeeeease~"
Sanji turns to face him again, Sanji bending over so he's staring right into the rubber man's eyes, "Why?"
"It's a secret"
Sanji sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose, "Fine"
"Yes! Actually have all the meat ready before dinner, I have to set something up."
"Fine, just get out of here before I kick you out."
Luffy laughs happily, everything is going to plan already, "yes Sanji!"
…
Before dinner Chopper goes to pick up all the meat from Sanji as Usopp and Luffy set up the table and "flowers". Usopp keeps adding more and more candles around the table and Luffy is setting up terribly miss shaped cut out hearts and a vase with some seaweed in place of flowers. He didn't really know where to get any flowers but the important part was to have a plant in a vase in the middle of the table right?
It kinda just smelt like seaweed but Luffy was already prepared for that. He pulled out some perfume that he had stolen from one of the women's rooms. He sprayed it above the table but he couldn't smell it very well so he took the sprayer out and just poured the fragrant liquid all over the table cloth.
"Wow" Usopp comments after lighting about the fiftieth candle "Don't you think that's a little overboard?"
"You think?" Luffy asks, tilting his head to the side in confusion.
Chopper had returned in his strong point transformation, one hand on his nose the other holding an obscenely large tray of meat. "I'm going to be sick, that smells awful."
"Really?" Luffy looks at the once full bottle of perfume, "Nami was going on and on about how it was really expensive and hard to find. I thought it would smell nice."
Usopp's blood drained from his face, Chopper's jaw dropped. The doctor and sharpshooter hold each other in fear. "You took that from N-Nami?" Usopp is shaking violently.
They hear Sanji call for dinner and all three run to the galley. When they get there though Luffy wraps himself around Sanji.
"Oi, get off me!" Sanji protests.
"You and Zoro have to go to the back of the ship, we have a surprise for you there!" Luffy tells him.
"It can wait until after dinner."
"Nooo, you have to go there for dinner."
Sanji is giving Luffy a disapproving look but the captain doesn't care. Zoro walks in last and Luffy hurdles the poor cook at the unexpecting swordsman. Zoro barely manages to catch Sanji, stumbling back a few feet before the galley door is slammed in their faces.
Zoro looks down to the other man who he is holding princess style before he drops him hard onto the deck.
"Oi!" Sanji rubs his poor abused butt. "Come on moss head, Luffy says there is dinner at the back of the ship for us to eat." Sanji lights his cigarette knowing he won't get through this without one.
Zoro shrugs, "As long as he wasn't the one who made the food it should be fine."
Sanji's and Zoro's faces scrunch up in horror at the thought of their captains cooking.
"I have a bad feeling about this," Sanji grumbles.
"This is Luffy we are talking about, so you should."
The two men smell their special dinner before they even see it. Besides the terribly strong smell of fake floral there is seaweed shoved into a vase in the middle of the table, about forty-seven too many candles that are definitely a fire hazard and the meat stacked on two plates is only about half of the meat that Sanji had cooked earlier.
"He made me cook my own damn food for this?" Sanji scoffs.
"It's only meat" Zoro dead-pans, looking at the horror scene in front of them.
Sanji, carefully walking around the candles and sits at one of the chairs, "That idiot didn't even give us anything to drink, not even water."
Zoro sits, "At least we get to eat without him stealing from our plates." Zoro comments.
Sanji is looking at the display in horror still, "We don't even have silverware."
Zoro shrugs it off, grabs a chunk of meat and takes a large bite.
Soft violin music starts to play and both men give death glares to Brook who sweat drops and leaves them alone.
…
Luffy smiles at Usopp the next morning, he looks absolutely beaten to a pulp.
"D-Did Zoro and Sanji do that?" Usopp asks, pointing to Luffy's manageled and beaten face.
Luffy laughs, showing a few missing teeth, "They both hit me pretty hard but it was mostly Nami. I don't even know why she's so mad. That stupid perfume didn't even smell that good."
Usopp just face-palms.
When they are called for breakfast Sanji and Zoro keep an extra close eye on their captain not trusting him at the moment after yesterday.
Breakfast goes off without a hitch though and so does lunch. Zoro is training but his fatal mistake is going down to drink some sake after his rigorous workout.
He checks the kitchen to only find Sanji washing dishes. When both crewmates realize they are in the same room they cautiously look around for the rubber man, but not seeing him they both visibly relax.
Who knew what Luffy was planning next? They knew it was best to be on their toes for the time being.
"Only one bottle, moss-head or you'll run out."
Zoro rolled his eyes and shoulders, "Yeah, yeah, I know shit-cook."
As the swordsman grabbed a sake bottle Luffy walked into the galley making them both tense up. While the cook and swordsman felt cautious of their captain for the time being Luffy was all big smiles.
"Did you guys come in here to kiss?"
"Absolutely not!" Zoro yelled at the captain.
"Look Luffy" Sanji removed the cigarette between his lips letting out a stream of smoke. "I have taste. Even if the swordsman was interested, I might actually prefer to die."
Zoro's rage turned to Sanji, "We can arrange that cook! I'm the one who would rather die!"
Sanji let out a humorless laugh, "You must be joking, you would be lucky to score someone as attractive as me. Kelp should remember it's place."
"A lot coming from someone with the stupidest looking eyebrows known to man."
"At least my hair isn't green!"
"At least I don't turn into a complete idiot around women!"
"Your face looks like it's been sitting in a compost pile"
"What the hell is a compost?" Zoro is yelling in Sanji's face.
Sanji laughs in Zoro's face before getting just as in Zoro's face, "See! You're also as stupid as a plant!"
They had gotten so into their fight they forgot about their captain who had come up next to them grabbed both of them behind their heads and slammed their faces together. A loud crack echoed in the kitchen, both strawhats crumbling to the ground from the force of their foreheads slamming together.
"Step two: a kiss, done!"
Luffy pulled out the list. Step three: talk about feelings.
Luffy looked down at his crew members knocked out on the ground. Did people normally faint when they kissed? He had never heard of that before.
It must be one of those mystery kisses.
Deciding that was the case, they should wake up anytime now and he had to make sure that they talked about their feelings.
He suddenly had a great idea.
…
Zoro woke up first, but everything was pitch black. He could hear the ocean still but he couldn't move around much. It was kinda hard to breathe, extremely warm, and he was squished into a small space.
He didn't really have room to move his hands even, so he couldn't even punch whatever was encasing him to break it.
The only somewhat comfort was that he could hear someone breathing in there with him and by the overwhelming smell of smoke he knew exactly who it was.
"Oi, cook. Wake up. I think we might have got captured."
Luckily Sanji seemed to wake up, "Huh? Where the hell are we?"
"I don't know. I woke up like this too. I can't seem to move in this cramped space."
The cook was silent for a moment, "It smells like Cola. I think we are in a damn Cola barrel." Sanji struggled but had no more luck than Zoro had.
"I think we are still on The Thousand Sunny. I sense our nakama nearby and no threats."
"I agree, but how did we…"
Both men came to the same conclusion at the same time, "Luffy" they say in unison.
"I'm going to kill him once I get out of here." Zoro threatens.
"Be my guest" Sanji thumps his head back against the inside of the barrel, "I need a cigarette"
"Don't even think about it. It's hard enough to breathe in here without the nasty smell of your addiction."
"Well lucky for you, I can't move a damn inch in here."
"Fortune tellers are full of shit, I don't know why Luffy believes this one. I know they claimed to have a devil fruit ability but anyone can lie about that."
"Luffy's brain is made of rubber, that's why. I'm going to pay him back for this crap, that's for sure."
Even in the dark Sanji could somehow tell that Zoro was smirking, "What do you got planned cook?"
"Perhaps take meat off the menu until he grovels for forgiveness." Sanji brainstormed
"Psh, he grovels for meat constantly anyways. That won't work. Maybe we should put him through the hell he's putting us through but with Usopp."
"Nah" Sanji dismisses the idea, "He would love a dinner with nothing but meat and he would probably find being stuck in a barrel somehow fun."
Sanji and Zoro go back and forth throwing ideas on how to get revenge on Luffy as well as complaining. They both knew they were completely loyal to the rubber man but that doesn't mean it wasn't nice to vent about how frustrating he could be at times.
When finally Luffy came to open the lid of the barrel and release his crew members he heard both of them laughing.
Step three was a success it seemed.
"Did you guys talk about your feelings?" Luffy knocks the barrel over letting both men spill out. The light is blinding.
"We sure the hell did" Sanji leaps out of the barrel, his foot lifted high into the air.
"Robin said it's easier for people to talk when they have one on one time together" Luffy says happily.
Zoro grits his teeth, a dark aura is coming off him but Luffy doesn't even notice. "You left us there for hours" Zoro's voice is deadly, picking up his katanas that had been left on the ground outside the barrel.
At the same time a hilt of a sword is slammed into Luffy's stomach as a foot comes down hard on his head.
Both men leave in a huff, leaving Luffy to clutch his hit body parts.
Franky laughs, having overheard everything, "They say love is pain, Luffy-bro"
Luffy whines, "But I'm not the one falling in love, they are." He smiles at Franky though, "That means they are actually falling in love right?"
Franky doesn't bother to correct his captain and just gives him a thumbs up.
…
"Sex!" Luffy leaps on the sharpshooters back, "Sex! Sex! Sex!"
Usopp almost falls over, barely catching his balance. "What?"
"The last step!" Luffy cheers. "After they have sex they will be in love and I can become king!"
"I really put that as the last step?" Usopp asks.
"Yeah, did you forget?"
"Oh no, I remember that. Remember that I am the master of romance and love!" Usopp jams his thumb into his chest proudly. "Whatever I put down on the list will always work!"
"You're so cool, I can always count on you!" Luffy cheers.
Usopp smiles but on the inside he is completely freaking out. He needs to somehow do damage control. If Luffy tries to force two of scariest people he knows to have sex and they find out it was because of a list that he made they will kill him!
Usopp must be brave.
…
Robin stands in front of Sanji and Zoro with Usopp shaking in fear behind her while she explains everything.
"It appears" Robin concludes, "That as long as the list gets completed, Luffy will drop this entire thing."
Zoro and Sanji look like they might get sick.
"I have a suggestion," Robin smiles softly.
…
"Really?" Luffy asked, head tilted to the side, "Sounds like they are just fighting."
"Uhhh yeah" Usopp lied, "That's what sex sounds like."
"If it sounds just like when they fight, how do we know they are not just fighting?"
"Because… they locked the door." Usopp tried.
"Oh that makes sense! They never lock the door when they are fighting."
Usopp's shoulders relaxed from tension leaving his body.
Luffy jumped in the air and cheered. "Yay! I'm going to be king!"
Usopp let out a relieved laugh. Sanji and Zoro, who were in fact fighting within the locked room, smiled.
Despite their captains worrying they had never doubted for a minute that Luffy would become king.