Chapter Fifty-Nine:
Home Sweet Home
MARCH 1ST, 2002
0300 EST
MACKENZIE-RABB RESIDENCE
GEORGETOWN
When Clara spent most of her time in the hospital peacefully sleeping without making a peep, Harm and Mac should've taken that as an omen that she wouldn't be so quiet once she got home.
It wasn't that Clara was a bad baby - Mac never understood the logic of parents who always said their babies were 'good babies,' as if there was such a thing as a bad baby. Mac certainly may have been biased, but she wasn't going to say Clara wasn't a good baby just because she refused to sleep…
Like at all. She just didn't sleep.
Things had been alright for the first week, with Trish and Frank there to help; Harm and Mac had been able to get at least two or three hours of sleep a night. But Trish and Frank had an art gallery to run, so they could only stay but so long.
"We'll fly back out for Easter," Trish told Mac as the two of them said their goodbyes in the doorway to Mac's apartment. "Or we'll come back for the summer. We can rent out a beach cottage and have a family vacation."
"Yeah," Mac nodded. "That would be nice."
Trish and Frank had been such a big help over the past week that seeing them go almost made Mac want to cry. She and Harm had been through a lot together and, when it was compared to some of the other things they'd had to overcome, taking care of a baby didn't seem like it would be that difficult. Yet Mac oddly felt more in control when she and Harm were trapped in a hostage situation together than she did now.
They hadn't talked about it at length, because they hadn't had the time, but Mac had a strong feeling Harm felt just as in over his head as she did. Neither of them had seen each other that exhausted before, Mac could say that much.
"Oh come here," Trish said, pulling Mac in for another hug, before Mac could tell her not to - she didn't want to actually start crying.
"It'll get better," Trish assured her. "I know everyone says that, but it's true, I promise," she pulled away, holding Mac out at arm's length, "You and Harm make a great team."
It was now the middle of the night on the third day of Harm and Mac officially being 'on their own' as parents and it had been a rough one. Well, none of the nights had been easy, but this one in particular was rougher than the other two had been.
Earlier in the night, Mac had finally had the breakdown she'd felt coming on for the past several days. It had started as an overall anxiety about being a new mom, then the nerves about Trish and Frank leaving had piled on top of that, and then Clara wasn't sleeping which meant Mac and Harm weren't, either. All of those things combined together to surmount into a daunting anxiety that kept telling her that she was a horrible mother and she wasn't doing anything right.
She'd started sobbing in front of Harm after Clara, in addition to protesting sleep, was also protesting nursing. Her despairing monologue went something along the lines of this:
"I just don't know what I'm doing wrong because I feel like if I was doing stuff right she would be sleeping and now she doesn't want to nurse either and I don't know why. I really think she hates me and I don't even know what I did wrong because I've only known her for like a week and I carried her for nine months and I've never been this tired in my life and I love her so much but why is everything this hard? I knew it was going to be hard but Harm it's so much harder than I thought it would be and I'm so tired-"
Harm gathered her up into his arms, letting her sob into his t-shirt. Clara was still crying in the nursery, and it was at that moment that Harm had decided that this night would officially be classified as a rough one.
"She doesn't hate you honey, I promise," Harm said, pressing a kiss on her forehead. "You're not doing anything wrong, you're an amazing mother."
Mac wiped her eyes. "It doesn't feel like it."
Even though she knew Harm would never judge her, Mac didn't want to admit that she felt utterly defeated. She was supposed to be taking care of her child and there she was acting like a complete and total basket case.
"Listen, why don't you take a break and I'll sit with her until she calms down?" Harm asked.
Since Trish and Frank left, Harm and Mac had been alternating taking turns staying up with Clara (not that the one on break was really able to sleep while the other stayed up), and Mac was technically in the middle of her shift. At first she wanted to decline, insisting that she could do it, but reclining against Harm's chest let her know how exhausted she was. Harm could sit with Clara - it wasn't that Mac didn't trust Harm with the baby; at her heart she knew she was just being stubborn. If she was going to be stubborn about anything, it was going to be about being a capable mom.
Capable moms take breaks, the rational side of her brain reminded her, and so Mac caved.
She nodded. "Okay," she wiped her eyes and pressed her face into her palms. She was trying to think, but her brain felt like scrambled eggs. "I pumped this afternoon so there should be enough in the fridge for a bottle, but if you need more me and my boobs are going to be right here - not that she'll be interested, but the offer's open."
Harm smiled, giving Mac another hug and kiss. "Alright," he said. "You get some rest, okay?"
"I'll try."
That had been a lie. When Mac crawled into bed, she had fully intended on staying awake with her aching body and throbbing head and making sure Harm didn't need any help. However, that hadn't happened. Less than a minute after her head hit the pillow, Mac was dead asleep.
That had been a little after midnight. Mac jerked awake at 0300 exactly, to a suspiciously quiet apartment. Harm was laying beside her, asleep as well. Mac's mind immediately went to Clara, and Mac noticed that she was quiet.
Oddly, Clara being quiet alarmed Mac more than her crying did, and without thinking for another second, Mac rolled out of bed and headed out of the room to go check on her.
The nursery was completely dark except for a small nightlight in the corner that provided just enough light to make things visible. Mac quietly walked over to the crib, breathing a silent sigh of relief when she looked down and saw that Clara was fine and, on top of that, sleeping soundly. Mac made a mental note to ask Harm in the morning about what kind of miracle he'd worked in order to get their daughter to go to sleep.
"Hi sweet girl," Mac whispered, leaning over the railing of the crib to lightly stroke Clara's cheek. I love you so so much but Thank God you're finally asleep
As much as Mac should probably be sleeping as well, she couldn't resist the urge to just sit there and stare at Clara. She had Mac's nose, Harm's eyes, and was a little bundle of perfection - Mac absolutely adored her. She was still getting used to Clara being out and about in the world instead of her and Mac being two parts of the same whole; she didn't miss being pregnant, but she missed her daughter constantly being with her.
Mac looked up at the clock (the lack of sleep had caused her internal clock to go a little wonky) and then back down at her sleeping baby. She would have to eat soon, which gave Mac another dilemma.
Should I wake her? Mac thought, A structured schedule is good for her but she just got to sleep…
"Look sweetie, I'm really sorry but I think you're going to have to wake up soon," Mac said. "It's -" she glanced back at the clock. "Breakfast time?"
Reaching down into the crib, Mac scooped Clara up into her arms, hoping the worn softness of her Corps sweatshirt would provide a nice substitute for a blanket. Clara was already beginning to stir, so Mac would have to act fast.
"Okay…where are we going to do this?" Mac looked at the rocking chair in the corner of the nursery, which had been the setting of her previous attempt at trying to breastfeed.
"Maybe we need a change of scenery, huh?" Mac looked down at Clara as if she could answer, "Would that be good?"
Mac turned on a lamp and settled down on her sofa in the living room. Over the course of the past week, breastfeeding had proved to be a hit or miss experience with Mac and Clara - something they were both still trying to get the hang of. Thankfully Mac had patience that matched her persistence, and Clara had a persistence that matched her appetite.
"See, that wasn't so hard," Mac looked down to make sure Clara was actually latched and her eyes just weren't deceiving her. "I knew we could do it."
Mac remained quiet as Clara was nursing, but her mind was racing.
I really hope I'm doing this right. We can do this. We can do this, right? Being a mom is totally something I can do, right? It has to be - it's too late now. This could be worse, I guess. I could've decided to have kids with Mic, then I'd have to go through all of this with him bothering me -
When a shadow passed through the light of the lamp, Mac jumped. She looked over her shoulder and saw Harm around the sofa to the other side. He looked up at Mac with wide eyes before sitting down.
"Am I interrupting?" he asked.
"Oh, no," Mac smiled and shook her head. "You just startled me. I think it's the beard."
Harm smirked. Over the past week and a half of fatherhood, Harm had decided to neglect shaving. The facial hair that had grown in wasn't anything close to a full beard and was little more than some scruff, but it was a stark difference from what Mac was used to seeing from her clean-cut sailor.
"What are you doing up?" Mac asked.
Harm shrugged. "I figured I may as well get up, considering I'll have to get up soon enough to change her."
"You don't have to, I can get her-"
"I'm already up, Mac," Harm told her. "And you're doing all the heavy lifting - changing diapers is the least I could do."
Mac scoffed. "You were the one who was able to get her to finally go down."
"That was luck."
"Sure," Mac sighed, looking down at Clara. She had one tiny fist balled up near the pendant of the necklace Harm had surprised her with when they first brought her home. It was a small circular diamond on a silver chain and Harm had refused to tell Mac how much it cost - no matter how much she demanded to know.
"She loves you, you know," Harm said. "You're doing a great job, honey."
"I know, I know it's just - this is hard," Mac told him. "Like I know everyone said it would be hard, but I still wasn't expecting any of this."
"Well I don't think there's any way we could've prepared more than we did."
"Tell me about it."
Harm watched Mac for a few minutes, trying to hide his smile.
Mac raised an eyebrow. "What?" she asked. "Please don't tell me I look beautiful right now, I'll punch you."
"No," Harm shook his head with a grin. He moved over to sit right beside Mac. "I was going to say you look stunning, and -" he placed a quick kiss on her cheek. "I love you, very, very much, and-"
He went to kiss her again, but Mac instinctively moved away. When Harm gave her a strange look, she smiled and shrugged. "Your beard tickles."
"Oh," Harm chuckled, reaching up to feel his scruff. "I forgot about this thing."
"I'm just glad you're remembering to brush your teeth," Mac told him, resting her head on his shoulder. "But anyway, continue."
Harm cleared his throat, scratching his beard with a slight blush. "Well, uh, anyways, as I was saying, I love you very, very much and also love our daughter very, very much."
"Is that all, counselor?"
"No. I also just wanted to say that I wouldn't want to be this sleep deprived with anyone else other than you."
Mac smiled. "Thank you, sailor," she said, placing a kiss on his cheek, trying her best to avoid his beard. "I feel the same for you."
Harm looked down at Clara. "How is she doing?" he asked, his brow furrowing. "Did she fall asleep?"
"Yeah," Mac nodded. "She's been asleep for the past few minutes, I just don't want to move her."
"Understandable, that's what happened to me," Harm said. "She conked out after about a half hour and then I didn't move for the next two hours."
"Oh really?"
"Yeah…" Harm smiled. "I had only been in bed for about ten minutes before you got up."
Mac's eyes widened. "Harm you need to get some sleep-"
"So do you-"
"I'm not the one going back to the office in two weeks-"
"That's two weeks away," Harm insisted. "And just because you're on leave for twelve weeks instead of three doesn't mean you're less deserving of sleep than I am," he looked at her with raised eyebrows. "I hate to poke holes in your argument, counselor, but it's true. Plus we all know that the sleep when the baby sleeps advice is a crock of shi-nonsense. It's a crock of nonsense."
Mac laughed at Harm's poor recovery. "It's okay," she told him. "I accidentally said 'fuck' right in front of her this morning. I don't think it really becomes an issue until she can talk back."
"Right," Harm smirked. "We can't be the parents with the toddler saying 'fuck' in daycare. That wouldn't be a good look."
"Definitely not."
Harm and Mac sat there in the dim lighting of the living room, Clara fast asleep on Mac's chest. Both of them were exhausted, but oddly content. Harm placed an arm around Mac's shoulders, gently pulling her and Clara in close. Mac noticed he was looking down at Clara, but judging by the look in his eyes, he could've been a million miles away.
"What are you thinking about?" Mac asked softly.
Harm blinked, coming back down to Earth to look at her. He chuckled, looking up at the ceiling. "Nothing new," he said with a shrug. "Just thinking about my dad."
Mac nodded, watching Harm to try and see if she could tell exactly what was racing through his mind. With her free hand she reached up and ran her fingers through his hair, bringing her hand down to cup his cheek.
Harm turned his head to kiss her palm. "Today would've been his birthday," he said softly.
Mac's eyes widened, and suddenly it dawned on her that it was indeed March 1st. "Oh Harm I'm so sorry, I completely forgot-"
"It's okay," Harm told her. "Seriously. I didn't remember until I was rocking Clara earlier. It's only been March 1st for three hours, anyway."
During the two hours that Harm sat in the rocking chair, holding Clara, scared to move an inch to avoid waking her, the one thing that occupied Harm's mind the most was his own father. New fatherhood had thrown Harm some curve balls, some things he hadn't expected, and one of those things had been for him to be thinking about his father every time he got a quiet moment to himself. He hadn't thought about his father this much since he'd been searching for him.
There was one memory in particular that Harm's mind kept reminding him of in a cruel manner that only his mind could do. It was a memory that Harm wasn't even sure he actually remembered, but Trish had told him the story enough times that he could get a clear enough picture of what had happened.
Harm had been a baby when Harm Sr left for his first tour in Vietnam, so he hadn't been old enough to realize what was going on, but for Harm Sr's second tour, Harm had been old enough to know his father was leaving.
He'd been distraught to say the least, sobbing, begging his father not to go, clinging to his legs as he stood on the front porch of their home, bag in hand.
Harm Sr had crouched down after gently prying Harm's small arms from around his legs. Harm had promptly clung to his father again, hugging around his neck and sobbing into the collar of his uniform. Harm remembered begging, pleading with his father to stay, repeating "Daddy don't go," over and over until to the point where he couldn't catch his breath.
Harm Sr. had pulled away from Harm a second time, this time holding his hands so Harm couldn't grab him again.
"I'll be back before you know it son, I promise," he had told Harm, placing a kiss on his tear-stained cheek and ruffling his hair. "I'll come back, I won't be gone forever."
But of course, he hadn't come back, and that left Harm with enough built-up grief and resentment that it was distracting him from how much he loved his new daughter.
Why did you leave? Why didn't you come back? Why did I have to grow up without you? Those were just some of the few questions Harm wanted to ask his father, but knew he wouldn't be able to.
"Are you okay?" Mac asked, drawing Harm back to the present.
"Uhhh…yeah…" Harm answered, clearing his throat. "It's just…I've been thinking about how he's never going to meet her, you know? It's a lot…"
Mac frowned deeply. She couldn't help but feel her heart breaking for Harm. "He would've loved her, Harm, you know that."
"I know," Harm cleared his throat again. "That's what makes it worse."
"Honey-"
"It's okay, I'm okay. I promise," Harm insisted, though Mac could see his eyes were shining. She reached up and swiped a stray tear away. He looked down. "There's uh, there's something I've been meaning to tell you."
"What?"
"A few weeks ago I got a call from Skates," Harm explained. "She asked me if I wanted to come out to the Henry and uh, retake my quals."
"And?"
"I said no. I told her I didn't want to do it anymore."
"Do what anymore? Flying?"
Harm nodded. "The risk just isn't worth it to me anymore, Mac."
"But Harm, you love flying."
"I love you two more," Harm said. He placed a hand gently on Clara's back as she began to squirm in Mac's arms. He smiled. "I'm already getting knots in my stomach thinking about dropping her off at Kindergarten, I don't want to leave her the way my dad left me."
Mac nodded. "Well, you'll know I'll support you regardless, right? You'll always be my Flyboy."
Harm grinned. "Thanks, Marine."
Clara suddenly began to fuss in Mac's arms, her cries breaking up the special moment between her parents.
"Hi there," Mac greeted sweetly. "Did we wake you up?"
"We were probably boring her to death," Harm said, taking Clara into his arms and standing up. He looked down at Mac. "I got her. You need to get some sleep."
"Will do," Mac gave in, standing up to give Harm a kiss on the cheek. Just as she did so, Clara let out a piercing cry. Both Harm and Mac winced.
"For someone so little, she is very loud," Harm commented. Mac laughed in agreement.
"She'd make a good lawyer," Mac said over her shoulder as she headed into her bedroom.
"Or a good marine."
Mac was miraculously able to get another good stretch of sleep in that night. She never thought there would be a point in her life where she would define a 'good stretch of sleep' as something that was basically a two hour nap, but Mac chalked that up to just be one of life's grand surprises.
The one upside was that she had no trouble falling asleep anymore.
When Mac woke up at a little after 0700 to nurse Clara again, she caught a glimpse of Harm sitting at the kitchen table. In her tired fog, she just assumed he was up fixing a pot of coffee. It wasn't until a few moments later that she figured out what he was actually doing.
"Good morning," Mac said as she strolled into the kitchen. "I have a present for you."
Harm looked up from a notebook to see Mac holding Clara out for him to take. "Good morning," he replied with a tired smile, taking Clara from Mac.
"I don't think she's really seen the kitchen all that much," Mac said as she sat down across from Harm. "I figured she could use a change of scenery."
Harm nodded. "That's true. I feel like the rotation between the nursery, the living room, and our bedroom could be a little redundant," he looked down at Clara, raising his eyebrows in an absurd manner. It was the first time in a couple of days that she was awake without screaming or crying.
"Good morning, Clara," he said, exaggerating every syllable.
Mac laughed. "You look crazy."
Harm chuckled. "I'm just helping her understand better," he turned back to Clara, "Isn't that right, sweetie?"
Getting up to pour herself a cup of coffee (turns out she hadn't been completely wrong about why Harm had gotten up so early) Mac shook her head in disbelief. She found it so hard to believe that the rugged and suave Commander she'd met outside the White House was now sitting in her kitchen making silly faces and talking in funny voices to their child, and yet it made complete sense.
As she sipped from her cup, the coffee tasting like absolute heaven, Mac peered over Harm's shoulder at the notebook he had.
"Whatcha been working on?" she asked, bending over to get a closer look at the notebook. There were a handful of doodles on the lined page, a couple of blooms belonging to the same type of flower, Mac just couldn't put her finger on which flower it was.
"Oh, these?" Harm held up the notebook, turning around to look up at Mac. "They're violets."
"Violets?"
"Yeah, it's the birth month flower for February," Harm explained. "I couldn't sleep and I needed something to keep my mind occupied."
"They look great."
Harm smirked. "Thanks," he looked back down at the violets. "You know, I was thinking about something, but I don't want you to think I'm crazy."
"Me? Thinking you're crazy? Never," Mac insisted, choosing to ignore her statement from a few moments before. She brought her chin down to rest on the top of Harm's head. "What is it? What's your crazy idea?"
"Okay, so hear me out."
"I'm listening."
"What if we, you and me…"
"Had a baby? I think we already accomplished that."
Harm chuckled. "No, I wasn't going to ask you about that."
"Then what is it?"
He tapped one of the violets on the page. "What if we got these as tattoos?"
Mac's eyes widened. "Really?" she asked, looking at Harm in disbelief. "You want a tattoo?"
Harm shrugged. "What can I say? Fatherhood changed me."
Ever since Harm found out about Mac's lotus tattoo, tattoos had been an ongoing debate between the two of them, often something brought up during one of their late night work dinners. Harm would try and guess what Mac's tattoo was, and if she had any others, and Mac would tease Harm back while trying to convince him to get one himself. Their conversations always went something like this:
"C'mon Mac, just give me a hint."
"I'll tell you when you get one. I'll show you mine when you show me yours."
Their conversation about tattoos had been renewed for a second season a couple of days before Trish and Frank left. The two grandparents had gladly taken up the opportunity to watch their grandchild for a little while, taking her for a stroll in the park down the block to get some fresh air. Harm had gone for a run, and Mac was in the apartment completely alone for the first time since giving birth.
Mac felt weird being alone, but would be lying if she said she didn't enjoy the temporary peace and quiet. Bored while pumping, Mac made a phone call that she'd been meaning to make for awhile, since before she'd even gotten pregnant.
It was to a tattoo artist in DC. Mac had gone to her a couple of years ago when she was thinking about getting a second tattoo. The reason why she hadn't gotten a second tattoo was partly because she'd chickened out of the commitment and because Mic hadn't been supportive when she'd brought up the idea to him.
Oddly, she hadn't called again for a second tattoo, but rather to see if she could get the one she already had touched up. Mac figured that now was as good a time as any; the lower half of her body was so banged up from birth that she figured the tattoo wouldn't even bother her.
Her appointment was in two weeks, and when she'd told Harm about it, he'd asked her if she wanted any more tattoos. "I don't know," she had told him, "I'll think about it."
Now here they were.
Mac laughed, looking down at the violets, tracing one with her finger. "This is a nice idea," she said. "But didn't you hear that matching couple's tattoos are bad luck?"
"No…" Harm paused, his eyes suddenly lighting up. "But, this isn't a couple's tattoo."
"It isn't?"
Harm shook his head. "This is a tattoo for our kid. We can't help that we share a kid. That's not bad luck."
Mac smiled. "No, it's definitely not," she looked down at him. "Are you sure you want a flower tattoo?"
"Flowers are very macho, thank you very much," Harm said.
"You're right, I'm sorry."
Harm looked up at her with that familiar twinkle in his eye. "So," he said. With Clara in the crook of one arm, Harm wrapped his free arm around Mac's waist. "What do you say?"
After thinking it over for a few moments, Mac nodded. "I'll do it," she said. "As long as you make the two designs slightly different so they're not exactly matching, I'll do it."
Later that afternoon, Mac called the tattoo artist and made another appointment for her and Harm, two weeks after the one she'd made for herself. It was for two complimentary tattoos of sprigs of violet, one for him and one for her.
Harm was watching Clara as she slept and Mac showered when his cell phone started to ring in the next room. Other than a few calls from his mom and friends from JAG, and another very exuberant call from Keeter promising to visit his 'only and favorite niece' as soon as he could, Harm had little to no contact with the outside world.
"Hello? This is Commander Rabb," Harm said, scrambling to find the right way to introduce himself.
The person on the other end of the line was a very chipper nurse from Bethesda Naval Hospital, informing Harm that she had the results from the paternity test he'd taken right before Mac and Clara had been discharged from the hospital.
After the phone call, Harm was sitting on the bed, waiting anxiously for Mac to finish her shower. He practically pounced on Mac as soon as she came out.
"Jesus Christ Harm!" Mac exclaimed with a jump, looking at him with wide eyes. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," Harm quickly shook his head, his grin widening. "Nothing's wrong, honey."
He pulled Mac into a fierce hug as Clara began to cry from the nursery, Mac's shout having woken her up.
"Harm," she said, her voice muffled against his worn t-shirt. "The baby-"
"It's okay, I'll get her," Harm said, letting Mac go. "This is a family celebration, anyway."
Mac followed Harm out of the bedroom, still wrapped up in her robe, her hair still wet. "What are you talking about?" she asked.
Halfway across the living room, Harm turned around to look at Mac. He placed one hand on either side of her face, bringing her in for a kiss on the lips. He pressed his forehead against hers.
"I got the paternity test results back while you were in the shower," he said. "I'm the father. Like actually - DNA wise."
Mac's eyes lit up. "Really?" she asked. "Honey, that's amazing!"
Harm laughed, picking up Mac and spinning her around in a circle. It wouldn't have mattered either way, but knowing that the paternity test had come out in Harm's favor was a weight off his shoulders.
"We need to get Clara, she's still crying."
"Right," Harm said as he sat Mac back down. "Of course, I'll go get her."
Mac watched from the doorway of the nursery as Harm scooped Clara into his arms, feeling one knot in her stomach untwist. She wouldn't have to worry about faxing Mic any paperwork, him taking her to court or vice versa, or any bitter custody battle having to take place. Even though Harm had told her that Mic wasn't interested in being involved, Mac didn't trust him or believe him one bit.
Now she didn't have to worry about that anymore. She had her family right there in front of her, and that was all that mattered.
I know, this was a long one, but there was a lot of housekeeping that needed to be done. Hope you guys enjoyed it, though!
Thanks for reading,
Harper