Dumbledore stared at Nicolas, his brain failing to comprehend the words that had just been spoken.
"The Philosopher's Stone has been stolen."
Finally, his brain caught up with reality, and hundreds of questions fought to be voiced. Two of them fought their way to the front, and he choked out "How? Who?"
Nicolas shook his head. "I have no idea. None of the protections were triggered, and everything was exactly as it should be. I wouldn't have even realised it was missing if not for my fortnightly checks. It was there not four days ago when Minerva insisted I check on it."
Dumbledore's mind raced. Had Voldemort managed to steal the stone? Had one of his more competent servants managed to steal it for him?
"I'll need to take a look at the scene." He said.
Nicolas nodded. "Of course, but first, security checks. What was the first thing you ever said to me?"
Despite himself, Dumbledore smiled. "I said 'get out of the way, you old codger! I'm late for an important meeting with Nicolas Flamel!'. Well, if you want to play that game, then I suppose I should reciprocate. What did you say to me when you got drunk on the final Christmas Eve of my apprenticeship?"
Nicolas's smile vanished as quickly as it had appeared. "I… can't recall exactly, but it was something to the effect of 'it's a damn shame you're gay, because Elixir of Life makes breasts so damn perky.' I offered to let you grope Perenelle as an example and she wouldn't speak to me for months afterwards."
Dumbledore nodded. "Well, now that we've finished reminiscing about embarrassing events to confirm our identities, let us examine the scene of the crime."
The floo flashed green as Nicolas returned to France, and Dumbledore followed. They quickly left the parlour and entered the back garden to the Flamel residence, where their trap had been set. Perenelle was waiting for them by the boundary of the trap's wardline.
"Come on, you two. It seems our thief left a calling card of sorts, but the wards are keeping me from accessing it. We'll have to take them all down."
Dumbledore sighed. Taking down the wards would take hours. There went the rest of his day.
Harry's trunk landed with a loud "thunk" as he released the levitation charm and dropped it in the luggage rack. It was certainly easier than lifting it up himself, like he'd had to do on the trip to Hogwarts. Magic really was amazing.
"Do mine next, Harry?" Tracey asked. When he gave her an askance look in response, she clasped her hands together and pleaded. "Please? You're the best at levitation charms in our year."
Well, that was true. He'd cast the charm hundreds of times this year, mostly to levitate objects into the path of spells. It was less efficient than using a shield, but it protected against a lot more than a shield would.
Harry's levitation charm was so good that he was the only person to score an O+ on their charms exam, the precision and ease with which he used it gaining him just enough extra credit to push him over a perfect score. Flitwick had compared his spellwork to his mother's, which filled Harry with a sense of pride.
With a sigh, he cast a levitation charm and placed Tracey's luggage next to his.
"I'm going to tell mum that you're being lazy." Daphne chided.
Tracey stuck her tongue out. "You know Aunt Izzie doesn't care about stuff like that."
Daphne harrumphed and turned her attention back to her book.
"You've got your cloak on you, though, right?" Hermione asked for the third time.
Harry pulled the folded invisibility cloak out of his pocket. "Yeah, I do. We'll need a way to make my luggage and Hedwig's cage invisible…"
"My mum can do that." Daphne volunteered. "She approves of this scheme, and I'm sure she'll be glad to help."
"Well, I guess that solves it, then." Harry said as he threw himself into the seat. "I guess now we just have to kill time until we get back to London."
"Exploding Snap?" Tracey suggested as she waggled a deck of cards.
"Some of us are trying to read." Hermione hissed.
"And you're free to keep trying. Maybe you'll even succeed." Tracey said as she shuffled the deck. "Come on, Harry, you start."
Harry shrugged and sat down on the floor where Tracey had set the deck, doing his best to ignore Hermione's withering glare.
"I'll get you back for this." He heard her mutter. "And I'll have all summer to do it."
Lilly managed to contain her surprise as the train started moving. She still existed. That was… oddly reassuring? It at least confirmed that she wasn't some sort of oddity who was bound to Hogwarts and only thought she was real. Sure, everyone at Hogwarts was only able to notice her passively, but maybe that was just something that happened while she was at Hogwarts? Would her parents still recognise her? Did her parents even exist?
Maybe Lilly didn't exist, and she had just convinced herself that she did. She was sure she'd read a story about something like that as a child.
Lilly steeled her resolve. Now that she knew she could exist outside of Hogwarts, she'd spend the summer doing research into similar things to what she was experiencing. Then, reality be damned, she would make people at Hogwarts acknowledge her existence!
She just had to keep existing long enough to actually do those things
She was worried this was more easily said than done.
Carmichael cursed as he walked into a door for a fifth time. Several months spent spacing out whenever he went anywhere had taken their toll, and now that he no longer had the wards to guide him, he kept walking into things. A quick episkey to his forehead prevented a bruise from forming, and he walked through the door, remembering to open it this time, and sat down.
He was really looking forward to the summer, actually. Working for Parvati paid well — substantially better than most entry positions in the Wizarding World — but it was time consuming. He'd barely had any chances to finish updating his character sheet for the summer's LARPing sessions. It didn't matter that he was now an adult and thus no longer under the effects of the Trace. LARPing was fun and it was how he met most of his muggle friends. In fact, now that he was no longer under the Trace, maybe he could spice up their sessions with some fancy "special effects". It wasn't illegal to use magic in front of muggles if they didn't know it was magic.
Carmichael smiled as he finished his latest drawing of Bloodbourne Shadowbane. They wouldn't know what hit them.
"So, what are we doing for the summer?" Tracey asked. "I mean, there's no way we'll be going the whole two months without seeing each other, right?"
"Well, my mum and dad work most days, and they're not comfortable with us having people over without an adult there to supervise." Hermione said. "If we do get together, we'll have to do it elsewhere."
"My house is plenty big, and we have lots of outdoor property." Daphne offered. "My parents will be fine with having you and Harry over."
"Oh, yeah, that works. Thanks." Harry said.
"In fact, you'll be expected every Tuesday at ten. I took the liberty of scheduling occlumency lessons for all of us."
"Occlumency?" Harry and Hermione asked in unison. Harry was just wondering what it was that he'd been roped into, but Hermione leaned forward with a hungry look in her eyes at the prospect of additional lessons.
Tracey just groaned. "Not that boring shite."
"Occlumency is… well, scholars are divided into two camps about how to classify it. One group wants to categorise it as 'defensive mind magic', and the other wants to categorise it as 'internal mind magic'. The point is that it can be used to protect against mind reading, emotional manipulation, memory erasing, and all manner of hostile mind magics."
"It's possible to read minds and erase memories and defending against it isn't part of the curriculum!?" Hermione shrieked.
"Um… yes?" Daphne answered. "How else do you think that the Ministry has been able to maintain the Statute of Secrecy for so long?"
"And it's not a part of the curriculum because the Ministry doesn't like people being able to subvert their surveillance of the population." Tracey added.
Daphne groaned. "Not this shite again…"
"You know I'm right, though. Your mom quit her job at the Department of Mysteries because she opposed how her work was being used."
"My mum quit her job for multiple reasons." Daphne countered.
"And ethical concerns were chief among them."
Daphne grumbled a bit but said nothing.
"So, what Daphne's not telling you is that Occlumency is extremely boring. Expect to spend a lot of time staring her tutor in the eyes waiting for something to happen." Tracey continued.
Hermione's enthusiasm dampened slightly, but she wasn't so easily swayed from learning. "But it still seems like such a useful skill. Even if it's boring, we should try to learn it anyway."
Tracey groaned again. "Why is this even necessary!? We've only just finished our first year!"
"Because we fought a teacher who was possessed by Voldemort!" Daphne hissed. "We barely managed to survive that encounter, and he was weak! Do you really think he'll let this defeat slide? Do you really think he won't come after us again now that we achieved a solid victory over him? Voldemort is notoriously gifted at the mind arts, and when he next gets a chance to strike at us, he is not going to hold back. Not after this time."
Tracey mellowed immediately. "Fine. We'll learn the boring occlumency because it will help us survive Voldemort. But, I reserve my right to complain about how boring it is."
Daphne rolled her eyes. "I doubt I could stop you from doing that even if I tried."
The mood in the compartment was slightly more somber after that.
"Father would be delighted for me to have friends over." Draco explained. "Therefore, you two are formally invited to Malfoy Manor."
Neville and Ernie did that thing where they exchanged a glance before replying.
"I don't know if my gran would be comfortable with that." Neville replied.
"Why not?" Draco asked. The Malfoys were wealthy and respected throughout all of Magical Britain. Many less fortunate people would jump at the chance to visit Malfoy Manor.
"Draco." Ernie said, speaking very slowly. "Your father was a Death Eater. Neither of our families would be comfortable with us being in his house."
"Father was imperiused." Draco explained. It was weird that they didn't know that, but he couldn't fault them for not knowing everything. Still, Draco's father being imperiused to serve the Dark Lord was generally common knowledge.
Ernie sighed and pinched his brow. "Even so, I don't think that we'd be comfortable with it."
Draco nearly protested again, but hesitated. He was trying to show Neville and Ernie that the Dark political party had the right of things. Making them uncomfortable would hinder that aim. "Alright then. I suppose we can meet up at one of your houses if you prefer."
"Oh, I can show you my greenhouses!" Neville said excitedly. "We're supposed to be getting a new shipment of venomous plants in, and I'd love to show them off!"
Ernie looked even more hesitant than he did before. Draco thought that plants were boring, but anything poisonous couldn't be all boring. "That sounds fun."
Neville began excitedly explaining the intricacies of the plants he was getting, along with some stern reprimands that they shouldn't be "mean to these plants the same way they were to that devil's snare".
"Oh yeah, mum would love to have you over." Ron offered. "I think she mostly just likes the excuse to cook for people, but she loves having guests."
"Ooh, food?" Susan asked with starry eyes. "Well, if your mum likes it, then who am I to refuse?"
Wayne groaned. "You two really are birds of a feather, you know that?"
Susan ruffled Wayne's hair. "You need to learn to appreciate the simple pleasures in life."
"There's more than life to food!" He protested as he tried to squirm out of her grip.
Ron gasped and clutched at his heart and Susan did likewise. They made eye contact and began giggling.
"I'm surrounded by gluttons." Wayne groaned.
"It's only gluttony if you don't take the time to appreciate the food." Ron countered.
"Yeah, we are conoussiers." Susan added.
Ron and Susan started laughing again as Wayne frowned and crossed his arms.
"If you keep making that face, it'll stick that way." Ron joked.
"Oh, that would certainly be a sticky situation." Susan added.
Ron and Wayne groaned in unison.
"What's wrong? Can't handle my pun-ishment?" She continued.
"All I want is a normal school experience and I get stuck with you two loons." Wayne complained.
"It could be worse." Ron said. "You could be friends with Tracey Davis. I hear she set the Slytherin common room on fire because she thought it was funny."
"There's… there's no way she'd still be at school if that happened, though." Wayne replied hesitantly.
"I mean, yeah, but in order for her to be expelled, Snape would have to care about what his students got up to, and what are the odds of that happening?"
That made Susan start laughing again, and the infectiousness of it soon had Ron rolling on the floor.
"I take it back. You're not loons. You're stooges." Wayne said before turning back to his book.
Shortly after the train pulled into platform 9¾, the Dark Mistress of Knowledge found herself face to face with two very displeased parents.
"Parvati…" Her mother began, disappointment etched into her face. "We made it very clear that we don't want you engaging in this sort of unsavoury behaviour."
"I am founding a new empire forged on the exchange of knowledge! I am creating a new future and you are fools for standing in my way!"
Her father pinched his brow. "Parvati, I understand that you are… going through a phase right now, but can you please speak normally? We have not heard a normal word from you since you left for Hogwarts."
"I am forging a new future! This is the new world order!"
"Parvati…"
"I am the Dark Mistress of Knowledge and you will address me as such!"
"Well, the 'Dark Mistress of Knowledge' is grounded until she adjusts her attitude!" Her mother snapped.
"You are fools who oppose me at your own peril!" She shouted as she was dragged towards the floo. "The Dark Mistress never forgives and she never forgets!"
"Well the Dark Mistress will have all summer to think about that!" Her mother shouted as she dragged her through the green flames.
Harry nearly jumped out of his seat when the door to the compartment opened. A tall, dirty blonde woman stood in the doorway. Her long, straight hair was tied back and she was dressed in pale grey silk robes.
"You must be Harry." She said with a smile. "Isabelle Greengrass, at your service."
"Oh, um, yes ma'am. Thank you for the help."
"Think nothing of it." She replied as she cast several charms on Harry's luggage. "I approve of this subterfuge, and I'm glad to hear that the Chief Warlock is not above going outside the bounds of the law to do the right thing. I hope you find your new living arrangements suitable."
"Thank you, ma'am." Harry replied with a slight bow.
"Isabelle is fine, darling." One last wave of her wand and the trunk and cage melted out of view. "Well, that concludes my business. Those charms should wear off in a few hours. I look forward to seeing you over the summer. Since you won't have access to a floo, you can take the Knight Bus. Simply point your wand up on the side of any street to summon it. Just tell the conductor to take you to the Greengrass estate."
Harry nodded. "Thank you, m- Um, Isabelle."
"As I said, think nothing of it. Now, you had best get going. I know that little Tori has been a bundle of energy today, and she might explode if I take any longer. Farewell, Harry."
Harry donned his invisibility cloak as Isabelle left the compartment and stepped off the train. After much fumbling about, he picked up his trunk and Hedwig's cage, both of which had been magically lightened, and stepped out onto the platform. He carefully weaved his way through the crowds, trying not to bump into anyone, until he was able to nudge Hermione on the shoulder. Hermione jumped at the contact and stared… mostly at him. It wasn't like she could see where he was.
"Is that you, Harry?" She whispered.
"Yep." He replied.
She nodded. "Alright, let's go, then."
He followed her through the barrier onto the muggle side of King's Cross Station.
Harry tensed as they walked past a very unhappy looking Dursley family. Dudley was kicking the ground, Petunia was scoffing at the various "common rabble", and Vernon was scowling at everything.
Still, they didn't know he was here. They couldn't know he was here. He kept walking past them until he couldn't see them either.
Hermione walked up to an older man and woman that he didn't recognise. Well, he could sort of recognise them, now that he looked closer. The woman had hair that was just as curly as Hermione's, though it was lighter, less frizzy, and tied into a loose ponytail. She also had Hermione's nose, and he could see that she carried herself in a similar manner that Hermione did.
"It's good to see you, Hermione." She said, pulling her into a hug.
The man shifted slightly. His hair was straight and dark brown, but had some of the frizziness that was so prominent in Hermione's hair.
"And what about, uh…" He asked, audibly hesitant.
"He's right behind me." Hermione said quietly. "He's invisible."
He stared blankly for a second. "Right, invisible. Shall we go, then?"
Harry trailed behind them as they left the building for the crowded car park. After a minute or two of walking, they approached a dark green car and opened the boot.
"Is your luggage also invisible, Harry?" Hermione's dad asked.
"Oh, uh, yes sir." Harry replied.
He let out a small huff. "Right, can you hand it to me carefully? I'd rather not drop it, and I don't have any experience handling invisible luggage."
"Yes sir." Harry said, guiding the handle of his trunk into Hermione's dad's waiting hand.
Harry watched him shift his fingers around the handle until he had a good grip on it. "Alright, you can let go of it now. Do you have any other luggage?"
"I have an owl, but I don't think she should be in the trunk."
"Definitely not. Alright, go take a seat in the car. I'm going to spend a few minutes making sure that this invisible trunk won't keep the boot from latching."
Harry did his best to get into the car without attracting any undue attention to his invisibly nature. Once he was seated, Hermione's mother looked around the car park.
"Okay, I think you're clear to become visible again."
Harry nodded before realising that no one could see him do so. Instead, he just took off the cloak.
At that moment, Hermione's dad entered the passenger side door. "Okay, we're good to go."
Hermione's mom started the car and began the slow process of maneuvering her way through central London traffic.
"So, you must be Harry." She said once they hit a red light. "My name is Helen Granger, and this is my husband Richard."
"It's nice to meet you, ma'am." Harry replied as politely as he could manage.
"Please just call me Helen. 'Ma'am' makes me feel old."
"Anyway," Richard said as the car started moving again. "We'll be establishing some basic ground rules when we get home. Nothing complicated, just basic stuff like 'don't leave the house without telling us'."
Harry nodded. "Thank you for putting me up for the summer."
"Think nothing of it. Once Hermione explained the situation to us, we decided- Son of a bitch! Use your goddamn blinker, arsehole!" Helen shouted as she slammed her fist into the horn. "Anyway, think nothing of it."
"Why do I let you drive?" Richard asked.
"Because you're worse at it than I am." She retorted.
Harry did his best to take it all in. So this was his new… family? They were certainly… eccentric.
With one final synchronised wave of their wands, the final hyperspace fractoid manifold collapsed, undoing the last of the wards that were protecting the Philosopher's Stone. Perenelle wasted no time, making a beeline for the stand that once held the stone and snatching the note off of the pedestal. As she read it over, the lines of worry slowly faded from her face.
"Well, it's not as bad as we feared. It is… ominous, though." She said as she handed the note off to Nicolas.
Dumbledore watched as his mentor read over the thief's message. If it wasn't Voldemort, then… "Who was it?"
"I have no idea." Nicolas replied. "I've never known of any thief by this name."
He handed the parchment to Dumbledore, who eagerly read it.
Nicolas, Perenelle, and Albus,
I'm dreadfully sorry about this, but once I got word that the stone was up for grabs, I couldn't resist. It's nothing personal of course, but a prize like that is incomparable.
Regardless, I don't want the guilt of your deaths on my conscience. I'll be delivering doses of the Elixir of Life to your door on a monthly basis. No hard feelings and all that.
You won't be able to catch me, so don't bother trying.
I hope that our next parlay will be under better circumstances.
Pip pip cheerio,
The Masterstroke
That was… "They don't want the guilt of your deaths on their conscience? 'No hard feelings'? What sort of thief is this?"
"Certainly not your dark lord." Nicolas grumbled. "Who does he think he is, anyway?"
"That's not the point!" Perenelle hissed. "The point is that a complete unknown has managed to circumvent protections that we explicitly designed to be as undefeatable as possible while still seeming beatable. Our stone has been stolen, and making a second one is… not an endeavour to be engaged in lightly."
Nicolas sobered. "Indeed. A new actor has set foot upon the world's stage, and I suspect that things are about to get far more complicated."
Elsewhere in the world, the new actor examined his shiny new prize, the impossibly brilliant red of the Philosopher's Stone glimmering in the candlelight.
"Pip pip cheerio indeed, old chap. Now, let's see what this little bauble can do."
And the Masterstroke set about his work to determine the intricacies of the greatest achievement created by the greatest alchemist the world has ever seen.
After all, he had all the time in the world.
A/N (Tendra): if you ever need to ask someone a question to verify their identity, then embarrassing memories are the way to go. They're the exact sort of thing that people go out of their way to avoid sharing. Dumbledore and Flamel are familiar enough with each other that embarrassing memories are their default, because at their age, there are plenty to pick from.
Y'all remember Lilly Moon, right? She appeared in… *checks notes* chapter 5. The girl who (maybe) doesn't exist? Well, I didn't forget about her like everyone else did. She'll have a slightly larger role starting in year 2. Look forward to it.
I tried to make the name of Carmichael's LARPing character as ridiculous as possible. I'd like to think I succeeded.
Ron is also still around. He'll also have a larger role as the story moves on and things get increasingly more batshit. Ron and his friends are the only characters in this story who are having a normal school experience that doesn't involve heists, pretending to be good at politics, information brokering, dubious existence, or any of the bullshit I have planned for the future. In a story full of ridiculousness, it helps to have a normal character who just looks at all the crap happening around them and says "what the fuck".
I spent a while debating whether to use "Helen and Richard" or "Dan and Emma" for Hermione's parents. Ultimately, I decided to avoid Dan and Emma, as the names have too many associations with cringey Harmony fics, and this is not a cringey Harmony fic.
The mayhem will continue in Harry Potter and Slytherin's Chaos. Readers on FanFiction can continue following this story. Readers on Archive of Our Own can follow the Scrambled Sorting Saga for future updates.
E/N (Xgenje): I absolutely can not wait for the madness that will be year 2. This is going to be a Wilde ride y'all.
On Hermione's parents' names, I am partial to Emiel and Danma. But that's because they look even more Chuunibyou than the rest of the characters so far. Which is completely ironic considering they are around 12 years old.
Also, while I was at work the other day Ten just randomly texted me asking what kind of car they would drive. I had to do around 20 minutes of research to find the actual cars sold in britain during the 1990s.