The days go by fast after school starts. We are a few months into school. The rhythm of everyday life settles in. The boys pick me up everyday for school, and we go home together. I spend most of my time with them like usual. Paul is never home anymore, he's with the pack most of the time. I don't feel like I'm ever home anymore either.
The season is changing to fall, festivities are all around. I think the homecoming dance is coming up too, ehh I don't really care about the hype.
Beach days now consist of sweatshirts and wetsuits when we surf. The water's brisk under my fingers as I paddle out into the sea. I go towards the middle of the crescent shaped bay and sit on my board waiting for the next wave. I can see everyone on the beach walking around like little ants; starting a fire, cooking, kids playing. Simple harmony I like to think of it as. I love the days my family comes together for a bonfire on the beach.
I catch a wave in, and jump off my board, putting it under my arm. I walk up the sandy shore past a couple kids playing in the sand.
"Hi, Seth." I say as I ruffle his hair walking past him.
"Hey, quit it Andie, I'm not a little kid anymore." He says defensively.
I laugh as I keep walking up the beach. Seth is the sweetest boy, although I'll always see him as my baby cousin, he is growing up so fast.
The fire is hot as I sit down on the log to dry off. We sure know how to do bonfires around here. The flames reach for the sky over my head, the boys like to go a little crazy with the fires. Little pyros.
I walk up to the car to grab my sweatshirt and sweats to get warm from the crisp air. Looking out towards the water, there's no place I'd rather be. The sky is a beautiful orange as the sunsets on the horizon. Kids are playing while aunties are cooking and everyone else helping out.
I'm putting on my sweatshirt over my bathing suit top when Paul, Jared and Sam walk out from the dark side of the parking lot. They always come to bonfires when the elders come.
"What up, sis!" Paul calls out.
"Nothing much, just caught a couple waves. Food's almost done down there."
"Good, I'm hungry." Jared says as he keeps walking.
"When are you not?" I say as I start laughing.
Paul walks up to give me a hug, "I miss you, I hardly see you anymore."
"I miss you too." I give in a little, we haven't been as close lately. Life has been speeding by, it's hard to keep up.
We walk back to the BBQ, more family has shown up, filling the immediate beach. I sit by Jake on the log in front of the fire, while he talks to cousins.
"No, the chevy would totally swamp your ford!" Anything to do with cars Jake's in.
"Yeah, right. Jared helped me put in a new axle, runs like a dream now." Tommie sat up straight, smiling wide at his accomplishment, bathing in his masculinity.
Tommie is Jacob's cousin from his mom's side. He's always been the golden boy. Everything's perfect in his world, in a good kind of way. Great parents, star student, beautiful smile. Him and Jake both took after their moms with their smile.
Tommie looked at me with the glimmer of the fire in his eyes.
"Hey, Andie," He made our eye contact last longer than it needed it to be. I looked away at the fire.
"Hi," was all I said.
That was one thing, I didn't want to deal with tonight.
"Dang girl, you must be cold!" Noticing my wet hair, Jake picked up a blanket and put it over my shoulders. He wrapped me up and tucked me under his arm.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw Tommie run his hand through his dark, shoulder length hair. He turned away and made conversation with the other cousins.
We sit in comfortable silence for a couple minutes before others join the fire. Good conversations and good food are passed around. I grabbed some smoked salmon and started going to town on it.
"Aye, leave me some why don't ya!"
"What can I say It's a delicacy around here!" I laugh and shove some in his mouth.
"Mmm," Jake smiles wide.
I get up, setting my plate on his lap. "Want anything?", I ask as I go get more food.
"Everything." He barely says with a mouth full of food.
I walk to the tables full of food along the grass line behind the fire. Grabbing a plate I start piling tons of everything on it. When I got as much as I could, I brought it to Jake and handed him the plate.
"Thanks so much," Jake grabs it eagerly.
I walk back to where my Auntie Sue is slaving away at her pasta salad.
"Need help, Auntie?"
"Yes, please,"
She gave me the bowl to stir as she put in all the veggies.
"I see you and Jake have been getting closer," She looks at me with a smirk,
"We've always been close, Auntie" I roll my eyes, my Auntie has always been nosy with what's going on.
"Not what I've been seeing honey," She leans in closer, with a whisper she says, "Sometimes you don't see it for a long time, but you will." She smiles. Mashing up the potatoes.
"He's my best friend. That's it," I laugh as I get up to fill a plate myself, I'm getting hungry making all this food.
I sit by Jake, Embry and Quil by the fire. The night has set in, the fire is blazing and everyone has settled into a spot around a fire. I see Emily and Sam walking up to the fire with baby Claire in her arms.
"Gimme!" I reach up to grab Claire. She settles on my lap looking up at the fire with wide brown eyes. I snuggle up to her.
"Hello, baby," I look up at Tommie, who has reached out his pointer finger and Claire's little hand wraps around it. He sits next to me, close enough for our thighs to be touching. I suck in a breath, he gets me nervous. I never know what he's going to do. I keep my eyes on the baby as she coos and smiles at him.
"She really likes you." I smile, smoothing out her soft, thin hair.
I look up at him and he's staring at me.
"What?"
"I love watching you with her." I blush and immediately look back down at her.
"Aiyana," He put his hand on the small of my back. "Look at me." I look at him through my lashes, he smiles at me tenderly.
"When are we going to talk about what happened? You can't avoid me forever."
"I, uh, there's nothing to talk about." I stutter keeping my voice down.
"Don't do that. You know that's not true." His eyes grow serious. His eyebrows pull together, showcasing his defined brow bone, down to his square jawline. He's gotten closer now, trying to be quiet so the others won't hear.
I stare at his plump lips as he towers over me. The memory of feeling them on mine, floats in my head.
It was during the summer when I was grounded. My mom had let me out of the house, it was a beautiful day and I was headed to the beach to surf. Halfway there, Tommie pulled up next to me in his truck, he was going to the beach too. I hopped in the passenger seat and we jammed out to his playlist for the rest of the way. When we walked onto the beach the surf was gnarly. We knew it was going to be phenomenal. We even had the beach to ourselves.
He had tribal print swim trunks that hung off his hips just right. His abs flexed every step he took. His body looked like it was sculpted by the gods. I kept catching myself gazing at him, and cursing at myself. I wasn't about to let myself have a crush on him. It would be pathetic, I laughed at myself.
"What?" He looked over at me with his bright smile. The sun magnified everything.
"Nothing, I'm just stupid sometimes!" I say as I start running for the water. Running away from everything, into my happy place.
He started running behind me, "Wait for me!" He's laughing too.
We paddle out to the break and wait for the next wave. The sunlight is dancing on the surface of the water around us.
"You're pretty cool, ya know that?" He shakes his hair pulling it back.
"Yeah right, you're just pitying me since my friends are busy. You'd never hangout with a freshman."
"Technically, you're a sophomore now." He winked at me.
We both feel a wave coming and start paddling.
The wave starts to take my board, I grab both sides and push myself up to stand. I whip my tail back and forth to gain more control. I start to ride the wave out, and look behind me. Tommie is right behind me, I threw up the hang loose with my hand and kept going. We spent all day riding waves, until the sun was setting.
"Ready to call it a day?" He calls out after we both ate it.
"Yeah, I was thinking the same thing!"
I threw on my tank top and jean shorts over my swimsuit, hopping in the truck. He got in the driver side and grabbed his tank top from the back seat. I finally got a good look at his necklace. It looked like a claw with red and black beads on the top of the claw connecting it to the hide around his neck.
"That's a cool necklace, may I?" When he nods, I lean over and grab it and look more closely at it. It was so beautiful, I hadn't seen work like that in a long time. "Wow, who did this? It's such good work."
"My mom made it for my dad, back when they were our age." He reached up to hold it and wrapped his hand around mine. My breath caught in my throat. I looked up and realized how close we were. He had a dark glow from the sun, and looked so inviting.
He leaned forward slowly, bringing his free hand to my cheek. He stopped right before our lips touched, looking into my eyes. I don't remember how long we sat there looking at each other. But when he closed his eyes to close the rest of the distance, I did the same. All rational thought left my body and I was left with this desire I had never felt before.
His lips were soft and slow. His hand let go of mine and brought it to the base of my neck to deepen the kiss. I rested my hand on his chest feeling his skin, warmed from being in the sun all day. His tongue parted my lips to find mine. I reached up to intertwine my fingers in his hair. Our tongues slowly started to get faster and faster until we were running our hands all over trying to explore more of each other.
A soft moan escaped my lips, bringing me back to reality.
I pulled away, stopping it from going too far. I rested my forehead on his. Both of us panting, catching our breath. He started playing with my hair at the base of my back. What just happened hit me, and I had no idea what to do. It felt so good to finally let go and he seemed to really like it too. But it felt wrong, and I needed to get out of his intoxicating presence.
"I should be getting home." I pulled away to put on my seatbelt.
"Yeah, sure thing." He seemed a little disappointed, but didn't let it affect him.
When we pulled up to my house, he grabbed my phone, typed some things, then handed it to me.
"Let's do this again, I had a great time with you today." He leaned over and kissed me on the forehead. "Call me anytime, I put my number in your phone."
I smiled "Yeah, for sure!" As I hopped out of the truck, I jogged up to my door. When I looked back at the truck, he waved goodbye and left. Feeling relieved, the unsettling feeling crept in.
I never called him back.
Everything was perfect, too perfect. Like how he's looking at me right now by the fire. Perfect doesn't belong in my world. It never has, and never will.
I shake the old memory away, and gain the space between us again.
"It shouldn't have happened. We were caught up in the moment, it didn't mean anything other than the heat of summer got to our heads." He looks away shaking his head.
"Well, it meant something to me." He stared intently at the fire, resting his elbows on his knees.
What did he mean? He was Jake's older cousin, we practically grew up together. I was the younger tag along, our moms made them include me so I wouldn't be left out all the time. I hardly call that a romantic start.
Oh, what I would do to be baby Claire's age again. Falling fast asleep she cocooned herself in my arms. Auntie Sue soon came to get her ready for bed. It was starting to get late, I grab my bag and start to walk up the beach. I'm just going to walk home. I don't feel like talking to anyone or trying to convince the guys to leave the grill for any amount of time to drive me home.
"Wait up!" I turn to see Tommie jogging up to me.
"I don't have time for this right now, Tommie." I turn on my heel and keep walking.
"Can I at least give you a ride home? It's not safe to walk alone at night."
"Will you leave me alone after that?"
"Not a chance, but tonight I will."
"Fine." Men really know how to make me grumpy.
We pull up to my driveway. Puting the truck in park, he turns to face me and puts his arm on my headrest.
"There's one thing I need to say. Please, don't be upset." His eyes are soft looking into mine. He let out a breath that he seemed to be holding. He looks nervous.
I can't be upset with him, no matter how hard I try, even though I don't like how this night has turned. He has always been one of the good guys. He doesn't deserve for me to be rude to him.
When my silence was my response. He looked down, fidgeting with his gear shifter for a moment. He looked back up at me with that same intense burn in his eyes that he had in the summer.
He reached his hand up to the side of my face and tucked my hair behind my ear. His fingers felt all the way down my hair until he reached my leg and rested his hand there. My heart started racing.
"You're so beautiful." I never have heard something so soft and caring from someone so masculine.
Tears pricked my eyes, at the sudden emotion. How can something as innocent as a token of appreciation for my beauty, hurt so bad. I don't feel beautiful. I haven't in a long time. It's hard to hear that from someone that means so much. Doesn't he get that I can't lose him? That some little romance that'll be over before this year ends isn't worth it?
I couldn't hold the tears back any longer, they fell down my cheeks. When the recognition hit him, he immediately wiped my tears away with his thumbs.
"What's wrong, baby? I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have said that." I start shaking my head.
"It's not you," It's always me. Always.
"Come here," He scoots in the middle of the bench seat, and pulls me onto his lap. I lay my head in the crook of his neck, his warmth eases my nerves. He holds me close, rubbing his hands in circles over my back, arms and legs to calm me.
"Shh, everything's going to be okay."
In his arms I believe him, because he sounds and feels so much like my best friend.