tw: discussions of domestic violence
special thanks to marshofsleep for helping me perfect Kid in this first scene.
The door was locked- a great fucking start to the interview. I double-checked the email again- time, place, and everything all in order. I took another chance to knock on the frosted door before taking a few steps back so my spine could meet the wall of the hallway. You should have known this wasn't going to work- wasn't going to go anywhere because-
A shuffle from the end of the hallway turned my head just in time to see a tall, lanky man rounding the corner. His black hair was streaked with these three white parallel lines, but for all of the chic of his hair, the rest of him couldn't be more straight-laced. He was wearing an impeccable suit without even the whisper of a wrinkle, his bowtie absolutely pin-straight. "I'm sorry I'm late-" his voice was anything but sorry, commanding in the close confines of the hallway "-but one of the stitches on my bowtie was loose-"
What? I barely kept myself from squawking. A loose fucking string?
"-and then, of course, I had to determine the stitching style. At first, I assumed it was a backstitch but after forty-three guides and sixteen tutorials on DeathTube-"
How long were these tutorials?
"-I concluded it was, in fact, a slip stitch. I thought this unusual so I brought it to Ms. Mabaa-" his forward motion had entirely stopped as if getting into the office meant nothing to him "-and she insisted it was a fell stitch which meant three more tutorials before I decided to visit the local sewing circle where I was able to get the finer details that those types of ubiquitous internet tutorials often miss." He struck me with a triumphant smile. "It wasn't until then that I was able to fix the string issue. Of course, I can give you pointers after the interview if you'd like. Though, none of that is an excuse for making you wait."
"Wasn't a problem…" I managed before dipping my eyes to look myself up and down for any loose fucking strings. There's definitely something loose in his head. Well, as if I'm one to fucking talk. "Just glad you could meet me."
He moved to the door as he rattled a set of keys. "Viv said you were qualified."
"Well-" I'd never had an interview start on a doorstep before so my words were more of a muddy mess in my mouth than what had years ago been a smooth croon. So much for Mr. Cool. "I, uh, did send you my resume, so…" So fucking cool.
The door clicked open to unveil the most immaculate office I'd ever stepped into. Any book lining the wall was matched by height and then by color. Every piece of furniture was made from identical wood and was oddly tilted all to specific angles which seemed to maximize walking space even in the limited room. A part of me was sure I was supposed to take off my damn shoes.
"Which, on paper, is fine. Take a seat." He motioned towards a chair in front of the desk. Before he could move around to the high-backed leather chair that just screamed boss, one of the picture frames on the wall sucked him in as he started a terrifying game of slight taps back and forth to its tilt. "I am fully aware of my… idiosyncrasies-" he sighed as he once again made a minute change to the frame's trajectory "-and am not surprised at the difficulties it has brought me in finding and keeping a partner."
You don't say? But I kept my trap shut.
"But Viv has assured me you have the patience of a saint." That and a slightly contented sigh signaled the end of his finagling. He finally turned to me, but instead of sitting at the desk, he stood, crossing his arms.
This translated to: "Is she wrong?"
I cleared my throat. "Listen, I do whatever needs to be done. You tell me what you want and I'll make the game plan and execute, no questions asked." I tried to wave my hand towards the picture frame as nonchalant as I could muster. "Nothing gets in the way of that."
"Nothing?" His shoulders tensed but his voice didn't, still that blank command.
"Nothing," I offered back as I let my hand fall back to my lap. "Idiosyncrasies, strings, whatever-I'll get used to it."
Silence sunk between us, neither moving a muscle in a game where I couldn't decide if I was the cat or the mouse. All I knew was that I had to do this. No being stuck, not when my life-what I wanted for my life-was on the line. If I could get this nine to five with a salary, I could live out that stupid sitcom dream of coming home to her and the baby, drifting through domestic bliss until it was time to cuddle up next to her on the couch. That's all I could see- all I could feel in the face of this guy staring me down.
"When can you start?"
I barely kicked the brakes on a heavy sigh of relief, instead opting for one of those show-stopping smirks that I could still somehow remember to produce. "I'd like to give my old job the customary two weeks, then I'm all yours."
"Two weeks it is." He deflated slightly, a bend coming to that long spine as he finally sunk into the oversized leather boss's chair.
"Uh, just one thing-" I started and he straightened, suddenly all business again.
"What is it?"
"What do I call you?" Sure, I saw the boring-ass name on the email-Mortimer something-or-other Jr.-but I was hoping he'd found his own version of Soul.
That sent him whirling for a second, his jaw slacking slightly in astonishment. "I never introduced myself…" he muttered to himself as a hand slapped his forehead.
I couldn't stop the easy chuckle. "I'm Soul-Solomon's a little too bougie for me-and you're…?"
"Technically Mortimer," he replied as he dropped his palm to show off the start of a real smile. "But everybody calls me Kid."
I guess I'd sorta spaced on the way home-definitely too overjoyed with the idea that I'd fucking done it. Fuck calling it a big leap this was a fucking plunge and I'd done it! And I was about to go home to my-my girl and just kiss her because maybe I felt like a man for a second. Maybe I felt like someone worthwhile and worthy of actually being in her space. As I walked up the stairs, I finally took my phone out of my pocket and noticed the thirteen missed calls from Viv. I was hoping it was just sisterly worry, but I stopped on the next landing to give her two words to calm whatever storm.
She entirely bypassed the greeting just to firmly jump down my throat: "Are you home yet?"
"One flight of stairs away from it." I tried to inject some kind of humor with a weak laugh but it didn't catch.
"You have to forgive me, Soul." Each word was suddenly saturated with the warble of tears. "I never imagined that taking her out would ruin things like this."
"I thought you were just playing hooky today to do the registry…" Even I found no comfort in my own words as my heart started to claw up the back of my throat.
"We were- we did, but we ran into Esme and-"
No! My mind bucked right over the name and forget my throat! My heart was already spewing right out of my mouth to sickly plop to the floor. "What happened?" I managed to squeeze out over the rawness.
"Only an argument, but you know Clara, Soul, she-"
Oh, I know her, alright. "I'll call you back," I gritted hoarsely before dropping the call and slipping my phone back into my pocket. Terror lined my steps instead of excitement as I got to our floor and rushed towards her door. My knocks thundered almost as loud as my heart.
There wasn't a lick of tears on her face and those green eyes seemed as clear as a summer's day, but my mind couldn't stop reeling. "Soul-"
"Did she hurt you?" It didn't even sound like my voice, strained and hoarse with tears that I didn't notice had come. My hands started at her face, touching cheeks to look for the shadow of a bruise or the mar of a mark. Even though there wasn't any to be found, I couldn't stop them from moving to her neck, her shoulders, then tumbling down towards her elbows. That's when I saw it-those raised red lines just below the joint. Years of swallowing it had left the rage that surfaced now a tempest rather than a shower. "Did she do this to you?"
Maka's shoulders sank with a sigh. "Yes, but-"
"No fucking buts," I wailed. "She can't- that fucking bitch-"
"Soul!" This time her voice rang loud enough to derail me from my single track. I blinked at her, silenced by the shock of her tone. "Is it any worse than what she's done to you before?"
I was more prepared to deliver her baby than I was for that question.
Tears started to tremble at her lids but her voice was clear of them, just a determined threat. "Because you coming through this door with that question first makes me think you know that she hurts people. So be honest with me, did she hurt you?"
I wished so desperately that my mind could click off, just shut down and go dark. When you don't think about that question-when you kind of just throw a tarp over all those old memories and pretend like that black part of your mind doesn't exist-well, that's how you fucking survive. You don't think about their hands on you. You don't think about all the screaming. You don't think about the fear, the anxiety, the constant uneasiness that you carry just because you don't know when it's going to happen next because anything you do can cause the next turn.
"I don't need you to tell me everything-" her hands were on my cheeks now, clearing away the tears I'd forgotten about "-but hurting you matters just as much as hurting me."
"No," I whispered mournfully as my fingers worked at the edge of those disgusting scrapes. "That happened to me because I…"
… deserved it -some dark little voice muttered in the back of my head.
Because I did, didn't I? For years, I just sat there and took it. It wasn't like I couldn't fight back-as if I wasn't a head taller than Clara ever was and didn't work out often enough to keep muscle on my thin frame. I could have knocked her out if I wanted to or at least grabbed a wrist to stop that forward motion. Instead, I cowered like a fucking dog with my tail between my legs. I wasn't a man, I was just-
"Because she is a horrible person," Maka hissed as her hands clamped sternly to my face. "Would you let her hit Jack?"
"What?" My eyes popped wide.
"What about Reggie?"
"They're kids, Maka, of course not!" I urged back but that didn't do an ounce of good for the rage that was starting to blossom on her face.
"Then what about Wes? If she hit Wes-"
"Wes wouldn't take that from her," I spat while I grabbed at her wrists, trying to separate myself from her warmth. "I'm the jackass that sat and took it, Maka, OK? I let that happen to me and I ain't proud of it! Some fucking man I turned out to be."
She shook her head ferociously, rattling my hold on her before pressing into me. "Is that what she told you? That you weren't man enough? That getting hurt by someone else because they couldn't control themselves made you less of a person?"
I tried to swallow the bile burning at the back of my throat.
"You were abused, Soul."
"Nah," I complained breathlessly as I dropped my hold on her. She let me take a few steps back as my hands dipped into my hair to try to steady the spin of my head. "It wasn't- I told you I-" All the arguments crumbled like sand on my tongue.
"And something tells me it wasn't just physical-"
No, no, no -my brain groaned on repeat. Soft palms pressed to my back and my mind never felt so betrayed by my body. While my thoughts were all about struggling to tear away from her, all I could do was lean back and let her hands have me. Her arms surrounded me, desperately giving my skin what it was crying for even if my mind was yelling against it.
"The things she said about you-" now her voice quivered with tears, a few of them dampening the back of my shirt "-were terrible, but so easy- so practiced. They sound just like what you're saying now."
Yeah, because whose fucking lines was I parroting, huh? How many times was that said with her tone, with her sweet lilt of dissatisfaction?
"I know I'm digging too deep-" she squeezed me with enough force to annihilate hopes for an inhale "-but if you're angry about how much she hurt me, know that I'm furious that she did this to you! I-I want you to be too! You can't be mad about a scratch on my arm if you can't be enraged by what she's done to your heart!"
Since Clara and I had met, scales had sorta tipped as far away from cool as they could get. I thought I had learned that what I was wasn't good enough-that there was always going to be some bottomless hole to fill because I was lacking. I didn't have to be mad about what was happening to my heart because what the hell was I using it for? But now, as tarnished and barely working as the ol' ticker was, Maka seemed to want it, and I was pretty sure anyone was shit out of luck if they tried to go against her.
I couldn't tell if the sigh that came from me was relief or just the overwhelming nature of it all. My hands trembled as I reached into my pocket again and fished out my phone.
"What are you-"
"Just listen, OK?" I murmured as I slid my free hand into hers. Back in the day, I'd had at least enough sense to block her, so I had to bother through the settings first before putting a number in that I unfortunately still knew by heart.
A few rings and the line connected, a breathy snicker as my hello. "What, did Viv tattle?"
"Kinda hard to miss the scratch marks on her arm, Clara," I muttered.
Maka's grip tightened.
"So what? Your little whore's upset and that makes it OK to call me?"
"I'm angry-" that quivered but I forced it to stick "-and I want you to know just why that is."
She scoffed. "As if I have time for-"
"You're gonna make time," I belted, and the relief of the line going silent only fed me. "I made excuses for you, Clara. All this time I said it was me because how could little-miss-perfect be wrong? But there ain't a chance of me thinking that again because you hurt Maka and if there's anyone in this world that shouldn't be fucking touched like that it's her. So maybe I'm starting to figure out what I should have all along: what you did to me was wrong and it was your fucking fault. Come near my family again- come near me again, and I'll make sure you regret it."
Another derisive laugh started, but I didn't let it resound in my brain, just dropping my hand as I hung up. I set it back to block before slipping it into my pocket and trying to pull in a breath.
"That was a good start," she murmured.
Something that weakly resembled a chuckle bubbled up through all the terror. "Still not totally sure I believe it…" I squeezed her fingers desperately, wanting to steal some courage from the connection. "Maka, I… tell me what she said to you."
Her free hand made wrinkles in my shirt while the one tangled in mine pulsed.
"Probably ain't anything I haven't heard before." I let out a breathy, quaking laugh.
"It was-" A sigh jittered near my spine. "I told you, Soul, it was cruel and I-"
"It was about sex, wasn't it?" Bile met my teeth with that one as my head hung. I didn't need her answer-even if that slight tightening in her hold told me everything-since that was the part I'd never escape. It was what I'd been running from since the date and honestly even before that. That's the kind of broken part that nobody wants-that maybe nobody can fix. "I- uh-" Another desperate yelp of a laugh managed to shoot over my lips. "I can't-"
"Soul, really, you don't-"
"Nah," I cut her off shakily. I let go of her hand and just got out of her hold enough so I could turn. That was all she let me manage before her hands were on me again, trying to grip my arms as I stared down at her. "You said it ain't ruined, Maka, but how's that work if I couldn't tell you the truth-if you didn't hear it from me rather than her…?" My lips pulled tight in a grimace.
"I don't think I heard the truth," she urged back, destroying my momentum as far as the confession I thought I was going to deliver. "She-" Maka bolstered herself with a giant breath "-she said that you didn't want children. That you couldn't- well, couldn't follow through."
The euphemism made my gut shrivel but the determination on her face kept my stomach from hitting the floor.
I didn't have time to wallow in it because she was gathering my hands into hers with another tender squeeze. "Soul, there's three things that I have as requirements for us."
Alright, goodbye, stomach. Since how the hell was sex not a requirement in a relationship?
"One-" she shook my hands for emphasis "-is that you respect me."
There was enough of a pause that I finally clued into the need for a callback. "Of course I respect you."
"Two, you support me. Not financially or anything like that, but you do what you seem to have been doing all along: being a partner and a friend."
"Well, yeah," I murmured. I had to give in to those fingers, letting her hands slip up my arms while I rested mine on her waist. I honestly just wanted to gather her up- to bury myself against her like I'd gotten into the habit of doing. Number three was on its way though, so I tried to settle on her hips.
"Three…" The pause made me want to falter but an absolutely adorable bit of blush was hitting her cheekbones. "That you're attracted to me."
The jump of my eyebrows almost instantly turned into a crinkle. "You don't think I am?"
"No, it's not that." Maka laughed breathily as her hands came to my chest to play with my tie while her eyes honed in on the motion. "I think I've caught you looking at me."
I swallowed-half guilt and half healthy memory of that dress she wore the other night. "Can't help it."
"And that's fine-it's what I want, and it's what matters." Jade popped back up to me, oddly pleading in a moment when I was sure it should be me doing the begging. "I just assume having sex means different things to each couple and if it has to be different with us, that's fine too. It's just that… just caring about me- wanting to take care of me and Jack isn't all that I want out of a relationship. It's obviously part of it, but I do want someone desiring me and I think you've been doing both. What I'm hoping is you can keep doing those three things and the rest we can navigate together- as a team."
All I could do was stare slightly slack-jawed like a complete idiot.
"So I'm not disappointed, and we're definitely not ruined." She kneaded nervously into my chest. "Whatever happens with that part of our relationship should be whatever makes both of us happy. I don't want you to feel pressured or to hurt like that ever again."
This was the second time I was in that spot with her. No one was supposed to see this- accept it- rationalize it but here I had a beautiful, passionate woman telling me what I was doing was enough. Reliving Clara's bullshit had almost stolen all that from me. Seeing those searching eyes looking back up at me, all I could do was let a little bit of the victory at least get a nail's worth of a hold on me. I dipped my forehead to rest on hers. "I wanna make you happy," I croaked.
"You do," she pleaded as she slid her hands up so her arms could wrap around my neck. "I know how stupid it is to say stop worrying but, please, Soul, just give it a rest, at least for tonight." Maka added a soft shake to punctuate and that was enough to break me. I crumpled into her, guilty for making her take the weight of me and the baby but drowning in the warmth of it all the same. "And please," she murmured against my ear as she stroked my hair, "be happy too."
Maka was just starting to nod off, a movie uselessly playing in the background. I honestly don't know why we bothered anymore, putting it on like we need an excuse to lay in bed and eventually fall asleep. My palm was just under her shirt, an unsaid ritual I'd started with Jack that I was still too embarrassed to put into words. What idiot thinks he can talk to a kid in the womb with just a touch? Either way, this idiot was doing that again, hand pressed in the last place her little boy had rumbled.
Jack, it's bedtime, kiddo. Don't bother your mama anymore for today, alright? I promise I'll keep up my end of the bargain-ice cream, just as long as your mama says it's OK. She's the boss, after all.
I quieted the laugh that wanted to come by biting into my lip. Trying to follow her orders for happiness, I dipped closer, nuzzling into her shoulder.
She hummed out sweetly. "I'm just resting my eyes."
Alright, that chuckle I couldn't stop and Jack gave me a tap as a reward. "S'alright. Sleep. You're going into the office tomorrow, so you'll need it."
That perked her instead, chin whipping towards my forehead as she turned. "Office! You had your interview today!"
"Got a job today," I corrected softly.
"I knew it!" The confident peal of joy was just another stitch in my heart. She was trying to get back to facing me so I hooked my arm around her to help. As soon as she was over her lips were on mine, a steady warmth catching me by surprise. "Soul, congratulations!" Her excitement burst in the small space between us.
I didn't need the word, just stole another bit of sweetness from her lips. "Yeah, in two weeks." Maka let me take another kiss. "Not looking forward to telling Liz and Tsu tomorrow."
She fed me that cute little disappointed "oooh" as she cuddled closer, the body pillow be damned. "You never told me-what is this job Viv thought you'd be perfect for?"
I cleared my throat, trying to push away that last little bit of self-doubt in my head. I remember the first time I mentioned anything to my family- to Clara and the reaction was still dug deep into my bones. "I went to school for art-not making it so much as appraising it, archiving and stuff like that."
"Soul," she groaned and I couldn't help but clench in anticipation of the rejection.
"What?" I warbled back.
"Now saying you liked my art is even more ridiculous," she whined as she prodded my chest. "If you actually know art like that, my stupid picture box is-"
I caught that on her lips, elation finding a firm hold in my heart. Oh, Maka, how could you be this- "Beautiful," I murmured in the little break between us. "Told you, composition was good-" I nuzzled my nose to hers "-and sometimes it's just about the feeling behind it. That was the first time that I thought that maybe… I could mean something to you."
Her contented sigh fluttered over my lips. "I feel like you've always meant something to me."
I parted enough from her to catch the easy blink of those jade eyes, calling me to fall into them and her. "Maybe… a lot more than something now?" The question could be nothing more than a minefield but I need it.
"Safe to say." She smiled softly before giving me another peck. Her fingers reached up and ruffled through my hair. "Are you going to be able to sleep tonight?"
"Don't worry about that." I settled in the bed next to her as closely as I could get to steal her warmth. "You sleep and eventually I'll get jealous enough to follow."
She snorted a soft laugh before letting her sleep-heavy lids bat slowly. "I really am proud of you."
A smile was all I could offer back, the idea still making any reply cling to my throat.
"Good night." She planted one last peck on my lips before she settled into her pillow.
Disturbing her was the last thing I wanted to do, but I couldn't stop my hand from reaching and drifting into her hair to smooth it back. Closeness- intimacy was a mystery to me, but while every touch came with insecurity, each was rewarded with another flutter of satisfaction across her smile. All my soothing fingers did was urge her closer to sleep. I eased back on my side of the bed but kept the contact, watching as her features relaxed and the world around us started to drift further into darkness.
I don't know what I had been expecting before Maka and I met- whether it was to just drag myself through the boring repeats of my life until I croaked or somehow to crash and burn in some James Dean sorta way. Dreaming of a life- a family never even hit my radar. I'd given up the chance I had with Clara and that was it- all I was allowed in this world. Instead, I had her. I had Jack. I had something close to a purpose.
I finished one last caress before my hand settled on the comforter and Jack hidden underneath. Your mama's special, Jack. I ain't just saying that because I'm smitten or anything. I'm saying that because she's strong, beautiful, and full of more comfort and compassion than any of us deserve. She's gonna love you better than anyone's ever loved anyone else and I hope… maybe I can have a little bit of that from her too.
A quivering sigh left my chest aching. Because I love her, Jack. I really do.