tw: domestic abuse

Liz was barging into the apartment before I even got a greeting in. "Is your girlfriend here?" I let her view after she elbowed past me into the living room answer for me. "Aw, come on! Where is she?"

"She went back to work." I tapped the door closed before slipping my hands into my pockets to try to hide sweaty palms. This is a bad, terrible, awful idea.

"Back?" Liz raised her eyebrows incredulously. "She's pregnant, doesn't that usually mean taking time off from work?"

I tried to shrug in innocence as if the fault fell on me. "Just back to the office for a bit. She's not taking maternity until Jack comes. She said she doesn't want to waste it. Wants to use all her time when he's actually here."

Her lip curled sourly. "Death, the maternity leave in this nation is a fucking travesty." That grimace turned from mad to morose as she moved to collapse into the armchair. "I seriously hate that you're leaving, but I'm glad you took the job. That baby's going to be a lot, and you already know half that stuff so she's going to need you."

"Yeah…" I croaked before turning my eyes to find something interesting in my socks.

"What else?" Liz pressed with that sisterly exasperation.

"So…" I tested a slow breath in and out, but it was nothing more than a nervous huff. "I- well, I don't fucking know."

"You do," she snapped back with the ease of an older sibling. "Especially since you invited only me-not the dream team-which means you have something to ask that only I can answer or handle."

Worms gnawed at my stomach lining. "OK, yeah."

"So…" I guess I took too long with my eyes still on my toes because a coaster sailed in my direction, hitting me in the knee. As if such a tiny disk of plastic could take me out, my knees buckled, planting my ass with a hard thump to the floor. I knew I was being no better than a kid, but I couldn't help it especially not with big sis glaring down at me from her throne.

I bent my knees, hugging them to my chest. "I sorta… Liz, it's been fucking forever since I had sex."

"Oh." I could hear her shuffle in her seat but still didn't have the nerve to bring my eyes to her, just focusing on my fingers fiddling into my kneecaps. "Not even random hook-up sex?"

I rolled my eyes.

"OK, stupid question." She heaved a sigh. "But you haven't been in a relationship in a while, have you? I don't think you've ever mentioned anyone at work before Maka."

"That's right," I murmured, nodding my chin slightly into my knees.

"Well, sex is about communication, so even being out of practice isn't the end of the world. You just ask her during and hope she's vocal enough to help you out."

I groaned and ducked my forehead to my knees.

"Don't be such a baby!" I expected another coaster but it was her hand instead, coming to the crown of my head to ruffle my hair. "You two were so cute-it's obvious she's crazy about you! So just let it-"

"I can't."

Her fingers threw my hair askew again. "Soul, come on-"

"No, Liz-" I lifted my head and shrank back from her fingers "-I mean, I can't. I haven't been able to, even when I was with someone before."

Liz settled back on her haunches in silence. I wanted to look away, but I watched as her eyebrows revolved through a set of emotions I wasn't exactly expecting: a little bit of confusion, a dash of rage, and finally, a healthy dose of what I could only assume was understanding. "The entire time you were with this other someone?"

"I-" Again, I was threatening to rip that tarp off of the old life I'd buried, and I loathed it. I just wanted to snap that shell shut and keep every last one of them out but… "Beginning went fine. I could- we could just fine but the longer we were together…"

"Fell out of love?" Liz offered.

My teeth bit into my lip.

Her bottom thunked to the floor as she sat butterfly style in front of me with a sigh. "There's plenty of people out there who can have sex indiscriminately." Her fingers reached up to a strand of her hair, curling it around the tip. "It doesn't have to be about feelings, just release and fun. Then, there's people who need a deep connection. They can't perform the motions no matter how much they try if their heart's not in it."

I threw in a sigh as a sign of life since there were no words to follow. As a guy, a limp dick was just a fucking death sentence. You watched those embarrassing little-blue-pill commercials and could only think that was your future when you finally swallowed your pride. For the most part, it doesn't seem to be connected to your emotions but your manliness-whatever the fuck that was. You never see the guys in the movie having trouble bedding the heroine, so you must be some kind of freak if you can't manage it.

"Listen-" her voice drifted to a feather's brush "-have you tried by yourself recently?"

My brows furrowed.

"Yes, I mean jerking off." She sighed as her eyes bobbed for a moment.

"Well, no," I muttered. "Not since… guess before that someone."

"Maybe try that first." Liz nodded with such surety I thought she might scramble her brain in the process. "A little alone session-porn if that's your thing, but I'm thinking maybe Maka thoughts are more appropriate."

Pink stained my cheeks and heated around my collar.

"Because whatever that old relationship was, Soul, it's gone." She untangled her finger from her hair and reached for me, a hand gently falling on my forearm. "It's time to realize the feelings that got in the way then are not the ones you have now. You're the closest I've ever seen you to being in love, so focus on that. When you kiss, it's…?"

A swallow awkwardly bumped down my throat. It's fucking electric? Yeah, that was too damn cheesy and would probably earn me some kind of freak out so I nodded instead. "Yeah, it feels good."

"All over?" Her eyebrows raised. "You know, tingles below the belt?"

"Uh-" I blew a flustered breath. "I sorta try not to think about that," I managed to squeak.

"OK, so that's another thing on the list." She displayed a peace sign, wiggling both fingers. "When you kiss, listen to your body. Let it tell you the yes or no. If you're getting turned on, keep going, if you're not, hit the breaks. Experiment by yourself. Try to be kind."

"Kind?" I balked.

"Yes," she urged with little patience. "You're never good to yourself, Soul. I've seen the forehead wrinkles all the time when you fuck up so I don't need to hear the internal dialogue to know you're super good at putting yourself down. So when you're alone, be nice. Try to clear your mind of all the negative dialogue and put on a soundtrack of people you love saying the good things."

Kissing Maka? Easy.

Masturbation? OK, not that difficult.

Being nice? How the fuck was I supposed to do that?

I was up before her alarm even though it was the last thing I needed to be. It was my day off and even though I had moved Reggie-time to the morning rather than the afternoon, I wasn't expected to stir until she was leaving for work. Instead, I was staring at the dawn-pinked ceiling, praying for some kind of miracle.

Because my afternoon? Booked with the idea that I was supposed to be jerking off. I felt like a teenager, scheduling the act when the house would be empty and I was free of responsibility. But at the same time, I was supposed to be gentle with myself, a task that seemed as daunting as finding a raindrop in a fucking ocean.

"Why are you awake?"

I jolted, muscles tensed into the pillow. "Should ask you the same thing."

"Jack's moving." Her hand slid onto my chest, forcing a sigh that cut some of the tightly wound string from around my chest. "But you don't have that excuse."

I rolled my head towards her, meeting jade eyes blinking with a mound of concern and very little sleep left in them. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

I frowned. "More like can I ask you to do something."

Her face and answer remained unchanged.

Resting my hand on top of hers, I let my eyes roam her face while I tried to memorize how the early dawn light played on her hair. "Tell me to think just about you today. Only you."

Her eyebrows creased as her fingers tensed. "What else would you be thinking about?"

I squeezed the stiffness out of her hand. "I just… I only want to hear your voice in my head today and if you give me some kinda order, I think I can actually follow it."

"I don't like the idea of ordering you around…"

I snickered as some life came to my grin. "Yeah, you do."

A soft smile came to her lips. "Maybe about this."

"Just about this, sure." I ran my thumb over her knuckles. "So?"

"Soul Evans, today you are only allowed to hear my voice in your head," she murmured with so much pride that my heart quivered under her hand. "I'm the only anything you should think about, and when I get home tonight, I'm going to give you more to think about, OK?" Maka drummed her fingers on my chest playfully. "And you're going to have to listen to every last nice thing I say about you."

"Mm, sounds like torture…" I chuckled softly as I shimmied to my side. My relationship with this damn body pillow was starting to be a love-hate situation, forcing me to awkwardly negotiate until I'd squashed it between us. I brought my hand to her cheek, running it against the softest skin under my calloused fingers. "I promise, just you."

There was a flash of trepidation, just a strange sprinkle of some kind of fear across her green eyes. I wanted to latch onto it- to drag it out of her, but she pulled me in instead. Morning breath be damned because Maka didn't hesitate to lead me into a lingering kiss.

So what does kissing Maka Albarn feel like?

The cheesy: it is fucking electric!

The cheesier: how did I manage to get through a day without it?

The cheesiest: sometimes it's seriously like I'll never get my breath back again and I couldn't give less of a shit about it. Goodbye, air-nobody misses you anyway.

Somehow, I could still hear Liz in the back of my head: "That's your brain, idiot, what about your body? What's your body saying?"

If she was willing to let me go, Maka wasn't showing it so I stayed stuck to her as I sunk a hand into her hair. The tingle of her tresses against my fingers traveled the length of my arm, a spark that started in my chest but drifted lower. I concentrated on following it, hoping that it blossomed instead of dying. Just as it sunk, her hand met it when delicate fingers snuck under my t-shirt. It wasn't just a glint anymore, now a blaze fed by the smooth press of her palm. I tried to burn that into my memory just as much as it sizzled into my skin.

"Sorry," she murmured over my lips.

"For what?" I laughed dryly as I continued to play with her hair. "That wake-up was better than a cup of coffee."

That beautiful sensation disappeared as her hand came to rest on my chest instead. "Liar. You're an addict and you know it."

"Maybe I'm a lil' addicted to both." I nuzzled my nose to hers, happily receiving another fix.

"Soul…" My name came out on the sweetest sigh.

"Careful with that-" I tried to mutter but it was nothing but a love-sick whisper. "You gotta leave this bed sometime soon, don't you?"

She groaned-and unfortunately not in that attractive, "I hit the right spot" kinda way.

"I'll make the coffee."

But her fingers refused for a moment, pinching slightly into my t-shirt.

"I swear I'll leave you some," I murmured with a soft laugh.

"You're only thinking of me today?" The question was barely more than a breath.

"Well, maybe I'll take a break for Reggie, maybe spend a second or two on Jack…" I slid my hand down until I was cradling the bump in question. "Let's say the whole afternoon until you're home." I was too busy peeking into the covers to see how that hit her, only finding her blinking with slow steadiness when I raised my eyes again. "That's a promise I'm gonna keep."

Be nice.

Be kind.

Be gentle.

Damn, it felt like I was giving Reggie some kind of lesson as I laid on my back and stared at the ceiling. Instead, I was alone, stripped down to my boxers and trying to ignore the nervous energy that wanted to pile up in my gut.

So what? Was I supposed to start sweet-talking myself?

Hey, that scrawny build's sorta cute on you.

Yeah, right.

Hey, while your hair's the color of an old man's, at least you got a punk-rock shape to it.

Gee, thanks.

Hey, maybe if your dick would work-

A sigh turned into a groan-again, not that sexy, "I'm ready to go" kinda cry but more the "someone please shoot me now" style. I rolled onto my stomach, face pressed into the pillow and welcoming the suffocation.

The problem is you stop listening to your body. There's no way you could listen to it if you were hoping to go through with the act. You kind of force yourself to tune every last message out so that your brain can blare the obvious: "Just fuck her!" It's expected. It's what that other person obviously wants and since you're in a relationship-well, the obligation falls on you to give it to them. Needs? Wants? Urges? All of them tossed to the wayside as you just try to be normal, to do the normal couple thing.

I finally moved my head just enough to catch something other than stale pillow breath. How the fuck can I be nice about that?

Instead, it was Clara's hands- Clara's voice- Clara's body next to mine in my head. A low whine rumbled up from my chest as the sting started in my eyes.

"What's wrong with you?"

"You weren't even drinking tonight-"

"Tell me! Tell me it's because you're a fucking-"

I pounded my fist into the bed, jolting my head up from the pillow to loosen the tears. They plopped uselessly to mar the case as I pulled up on my elbows.

Stop, I begged my mind and my heart even though I wanted it to be an order. Please, stop. Thinking about her, about that, all that does is- My hands latched onto the pillow, tightening until my knuckles ached. Stop- this came steadier -because you're breaking a promise. You can't let her in when you swore it'd just be Maka. You want to be the kinda asshole that goes back on his promises?

I strangled the pillow for a few seconds more as my breathing slowed. It was enough to get me out of bed, pacing against the floorboards until some of that fizzle had unknotted in my stomach. I wandered out towards the kitchen, forcing myself through a tall glass of ice water. That frigid temperature had the habit of dissolving a layer of my anxiety-the ache of the freeze was always something more manageable than the one in my heart. OK, reset, restart. Keep your promises.

I sighed as I made my way back to the bed and sunk onto my back again. Think about that first time you held her. Or how about the first time she held you? Let you cry without a second of grief. One more even sigh as I tried to just live there, to be a part of that memory and steal another part of her. That intense second of elation when you saw your flowers on her wall. A shaky grin showed some of my teeth. The way she gushed over Viv-even fit in fine with Reggie and Wes. I managed a breathy laugh.

"You were happy with them, and seeing you happy… you deserve that."

"It ain't just with them," I murmured as I let my hands rest on my chest. My mind actually wandered, allowing me to relive the feeling of her fingers against my sternum.

Her tossing that clip in your hair and calling you handsome. I brushed my bangs away from my face, pretending it was her again as I closed my eyes for a better picture. Remember, she thinks you're good at loving. So maybe, if you just let go, you could be good at loving her.

My hand drifted down to where her palm had pressed this morning. There hadn't been a second of hesitation in her touch, just diving for my skin and caressing it without an order for more. It hadn't felt like some forced equation, like the two of us in bed kissing meant that I had to take the next step. Instead, if it hadn't been for the real world and work, I was sure we could have lingered there.

I started creating a world around that, placing us back between the sheets with that annoying pillow pressed between us. A world where her hand kept on a journey up my stomach to my chest to hold my heart before drawing burning lines to my back. If I kissed her deep enough-parting her lips with my tongue to really taste every last bit of sweetness from her-would those nails bite a little into the skin of my back? Would she actually give into an overcome whimper if I kept at that kinda kiss instead of slowing to mar the moment with words?

For the first time in my bed alone, I uttered something close to a real laugh. Nah, I don't think she'd whimper. If anything, I'd get a step-by-step guide gushing over what to do next. To me, it always seemed obvious that Maka knew herself, knew her wants and needs just as clearly as any written word on a page so being with her would just be that- soft, courageous surety. I could picture her hands moving mine, trailing over her collarbone again or disappearing into her hair. I had no frame of reference for her body-not more than what had melted into mine on the few occasions I'd stumbled closer to wanting-and I wasn't necessarily interested in improvising. I stuck to what I knew- what I loved.

I still hoped.

I still found myself wanting more of a memory of her.

I still held desperately to my promise and the feeling of her.

I can't say exactly that all of that was some kinda key-that suddenly my slate had washed clean. At the very least, my body was there and no longer floating in some disconnected pain. Instead, I was listening to the tune it was playing, the hum of desire from the careful examination of all of Maka.