tw: a little sexual content

I slid into the passenger seat, finding Papa oddly stiff behind the wheel.

"Thanks for picking me up." I tried out the most chipper tone I could manage. For some reason, memories of the night he told me about the divorce were echoing in the small cab.

"I'd rather you not drive anyway," he murmured before seeming to snap from whatever thought was strangling him. "Getting close to the due date, right?"

The car started to roll forward, scenery blurring by, but my attention was brought to the weakness in my father's smile. "This is my eight-month check-up. I'm glad you offered to come with me." I still wasn't entirely sure of the truthfulness in that statement, but I let it roll off my tongue anyway. Papa's little girl was suddenly rearing her ugly head-that old dream of loving my father unconditionally making the words sting. A sudden, terrible fear gripped me: Is Jack going to feel that way when he thinks about his father?

"I honestly thought your boyfriend would be doing this."

The grit in his voice was lost somewhere between my thoughts and the practiced reply: "Brian isn't a part of this anymore." I thought my terseness would bring an end to it, but I heard him sucking in air for the reply so I dug my fingers into the seat to try to steady myself for a fight.

"I wasn't talking about him." The sigh carried Papa's perfect combination of annoyance and dejection. "I'm talking about the boyfriend Marie told me about."

This was a grave I had dug for myself, but I wasn't exactly sure I was going to be buried so easily.

"A guy who can't be bothered to take you to appointments-" one hand sprang from the wheel to gesticulate towards the windshield "-but for some reason is actually going to show up at your baby shower? You'd think he'd realize which one was actually important! He-"

"Doesn't know," I spat.

"That you're pregnant?" He scoffed with eyes instantly rolling.

"That I have an appointment," I corrected before trying to sink my teeth into my lip to quell the flow. Instead, I dug my fingers deeper into the seat. "This is not his responsibility!"

"Of course it is," Spirit wasted no time in spitting back. "Maka, you're about to be a mother! You have to-"

"I have to!" The frustration of my cry rattled in the cab. "Soul does enough as it is without being at my beck and call!"

I could see the next scream starting on his lips but they pressed shut instead, leaving me only the color on his neck to clue me in to the storm still building. Papa had always disapproved of boys-no matter the irony of it-and had assumed that watching me like a hawk in that regard would somehow wipe his own slate clean. Wasn't it just a safe assumption that all the men of the world were just like him? Philanderers and liars abound, ready to ruin his precious daughter? I chewed bitterly on each thought as the drive continued in silence.

The engine finally cut, the parking lot surrounding us with the doctor's office within a few feet. Instead of a quick exit, Papa's grip stayed firm on the wheel. "It's not just about you anymore, Maka." This tone was one from my childhood-one from behind the privacy of those doors, only used when he and Mama had been on the cusp of the end. "It's about the baby too, and if he can't understand that-"

"You don't know him." It was as if Mama's voice was replying, ready to burn all the bridges between us.

"Yeah, I don't-" the agreement was ice water down my spine, making my head jerk towards him again to only see far-off eyes "-but I know the feeling. When there's a kid involved, your partner has to be a parent too. It's not easy to juggle being a parent and a partner, and unless the other person's going fifty-fifty with you then it just becomes too much." His eyes, always an echo of my own, hit me and expelled any argument I could even dream to concoct. "A baby's stressful. Being in love can be stressful. It only works when you have someone sharing that with you, not just trying to live the happy moments and nothing else."

Obviously, the argument still stood: Papa didn't know Soul. This was what Soul had been trying to do from the very beginning, desperately working to create a balance between happiness and helpfulness with me. The problem was… it doesn't matter how many times I might have said that Papa doesn't know a thing about me since it would always be a lie. This hadn't been about Soul the moment the conversation started; it was nothing more than Papa seeing the Mama in me that I so feared. "I'll talk to him-" barely warbled from my throat.

"Good." Papa's glare settled back towards the building. "Do you want me to come inside or wait out here?"

"Would you-" my voice still rattled but my hand moved with surety to grab one of his from the wheel "-would you like to come in and see Jack?"

His thumb ran over my knuckles. "Jack, huh?"

Our first grown-up book. "Jack. Haven't decided on the middle name yet."

"Running out of time," he murmured with a soft laugh. Papa withdrew from my grasp but a smile was finally catching on his face. "Let's go and see my grandson."

I sat in the darkness staring towards the balcony. I was only encouraging the ache in my spine by refusing to fall into the covers though I doubted any sleep would come until Soul was there. This schedule would wane soon-he'd taken that job and it wouldn't be long before we actually synced instead of looking for each other in the dark.

His pillow came into view first, then a leg and another as he crossed the divide between our two apartments. He turned and I could almost laugh at the way he jumped to attention. "Fuck, Maka, that's creepy! Why the hell are you sitting in the dark?" The balcony door slid and Soul entered, tossing his pillow next to me.

"We have to talk."

There was never a more dreaded phrase and his face, even in the dim moonlight, mirrored that fear. "OK… but can I turn on a light?" He motioned towards the nightstand but I was already reaching, flicking the switch and bringing his worry into better view. In the illumination, I could see him examining my face.

"I had my eight-month check-up today."

While fear might have kept him stationary before, his feet were suddenly on the move as he flopped to the bed and gathered up my elbows in his hands. "Did something happen? Is Jack OK?"

A bitter laugh bubbled up just as quickly as the tears did. Just like a new father, right? Worried about the baby.

That obviously did nothing to quell any of his terror, sending both his mind and his face into overdrive. "Shit, Maka, whatever it is-"

"No-" I steadied his searching hands while I mournfully whispered "-it's nothing like that. Jack's fine. He's actually getting a little too big. The doctor thinks it's sooner rather than later."

"Oh…" A little of the concern unwrinkled his eyebrows but his fingers still nervously worked into mine. "Then…?"

"I feel like I-" I puffed air from my lips but it didn't abate the urge to cry. Instead, a salty slick started down my cheeks. "I broke a promise to you."

His brow furrowed but he waited-always the listener.

A let out a shaky breath before squeezing his hands, urging the words to come with the pressure I got in return. "If I had asked you, would you have wanted to come to my appointment?"

Soul's mouth gaped slightly but he must have thought better of the words as it snapped shut again. After another moment-the revolutions of his thoughts obvious as his forehead wrinkled-he sighed. "Yeah, of course, but…" His head tilted slightly, leaning a little closer to catch my eyes that hadn't been all too eager to lock with his. "Don't think I'd want you in an appointment if all they were gonna do was poke and prod me."

"It's not that I didn't want you there…" I nervously nibbled into the inside of my cheek. Again, he offered me the space to sit in my anxiety until the words jumbled off my tongue. "It's just- that's a Jack thing and…"

He shrugged. "I wouldn't necessarily be doing something for Jack, just supporting you if you wanted it. I get why you wouldn't want me there though. Sorta the way I see it is, that's your body, and we only just started getting that far so…"

"But it wasn't about my body," I murmured. My eyes dropped to our hands. "I've been too much of my mama lately. Between the stupid idea of cheating and this…"

While I had expected another bout of silence, I got a plea from him instead: "Then tell me about this one too, so we can fix it." A fresh wave of tears started down my cheeks, but as I pulled my hands away to try to cover them, his came with it. Soul slipped past me, quickly cupping my face to catch the liquid and my glance. "Tell me."

A sigh warbled from between my lips. "I never told you about appointments or the baby stuff because I- that was my responsibility, not yours."

His eyes widened.

"A part of me was trying to keep it separate. I didn't want our relationship ruined because of all the… difficulty with Jack." I shook my head slowly, trying to rattle the rest of the thoughts free since they achingly clutched inside my mouth. "I mean, it's what I've been trying to do all along! I thought you wouldn't want me because of this and now even when you do admit you want me, all I can think of doing is still keeping it separate so you don't realize-Soul, do you really, really want this part of it? I made that promise to let you try, but following through-I'm scared to because if I do, you're just going to see that you don't actually want what you think-"

I don't think anyone has ever had the nerve to shush me, but Soul's thumb solidly blocked anymore from my mouth, pinning my lips together. "I know what I want." The urgency of that had me completely dumbfounded with no rebuttal or even a whisper to offer back as he slid his finger away. "Told you I knew the choice I was making from the beginning."

"Both of us?" The words barely made it up and out of my throat, mired in the murk of my fear.

"Both." He leaned forward, feathering a kiss on my lips.

I gave in to that urge to reach for him, letting my hands rest against the warmth of his heart so I could feel it with each steady beat. Maybe there was fear there for him too, but his rhythm never faltered. "Are you scared?"

"Hell yeah," he laughed and as he pulled back I could see a little mirth shining in his eyes. "I can change a diaper but the rest? Except that's one of the reasons I'm with you. Feels like you got enough courage for all of us."

A trickle of heat wrapped around my heart but fizzled as it constricted my throat so my voice sounded squashed. "I don't feel very courageous."

"I sorta thought you were starting to…" One hand moved into my hair, soothing back towards my neck. "But maybe you need someone to ask you. Think you could do that for me? For us?" His other hand fell to my stomach, stroking the swell. "S'alright to be brave about this too. I'm here-I'll support you however you need, but you're the brave one. I'm the scaredy-cat, remember?"

His grin-though still slightly tainted with self-deprecation-shot an arrow straight through my chest. Death, does he know what that smile does? "OK."

It was obvious he had no idea what that smirk of his did to me because it instantly brightened, leaving my heart to wobble against my ribs. "OK." He tenderly offered another kiss before his hands fell away. "Now lay down. Your back has to be hurting you."

Damn him and that x-ray vision.

"And don't sit like that in the dark again," he scolded as he stood, waiting for me to settle back into the bed. "Coulda swore you were going to start spouting Latin while your head swiveled three-sixty."

I snorted a laugh, the need for tears starting to ebb.

Once tucked in, Soul slipped next to me as if this was all we'd ever been doing, puzzle pieces that were meant for each other. His chest rumbled against my back as his throat cleared before his chin dipped to touch my shoulder. "He'll be here soon."

I hummed the affirmative, praying for more from that lockbox that was his heart.

"Sooner rather than later," he murmured as his hand slid along my hip to rest on Jack again. His fingers tapped like they were waiting for a reaction, something that usually came at Soul's touch anyway.

Jack knows who he is. Jack knows that… that if Soul stays, that's who's going to be his father. All but the last molecule of breath left me. I made that mistake in the car, didn't I? Thinking that Jack would feel the same way about his father as I do, but he won't. He won't if it's Soul. If Soul is what he knows… he'll only know how to love his father, not hate him.

"Wednesday's my last day at work, too-" he interrupted with a sigh that wasn't regretful "-but before that's your shower." I let him list, listening to it unwind him further. "You still OK with the idea?"

"I think I'm actually looking forward to it." I slid my hand over his, moving him towards Jack's latest acrobatics.

"Thanks." He massaged over the movement. "Been moving more lately."

"Hopefully that means he's just as anxious as I am for him to vacate the premises." I laughed softly and Soul echoed it before pressing a kiss against my shoulder. "Will you…?" There it was, the fear still calling for me to falter. But if Soul needed my bravery, I would be stupid to keep it from him. "Can you make sure you're there?"

His lips climbed up my neck, planting love with each movement. "I want to be." He nuzzled close, no longer any hint of that hesitation to his touches. "Jack's gotta behave though. With my luck, I'll be stuck in an elevator or something."

"Don't jinx it!" I groaned as I squirmed in annoyance.

His throaty chuckle ran along my neck, only making my body roll through another shutter. The movement wasn't unwelcome, that laugh turning into a grunt. That was when I felt it-him against me. While elation hit my heart, I felt him tense. "Sorry," he murmured as he tried to make room between us.

"Why?" I grasped his wrist before he could pull away completely and changed the trajectory, refusing to let him take away his body heat.

It wasn't some wonder-filled hum but more a groan, definitely filled with distaste for the words he was about to speak: "Dunno why."

"Don't." I tugged at his arm and he relented. "This… just doing this turned you on?"

"No 'just' about it," he muttered before sighing. "Sorta got a gut punch with that 'we have to talk' line so I guess my head's a little occupied with…" He groaned, discontented as the words seemed to stick to his lips. "Sounds fucking childish."

"What does?" I murmured as I settled against him again, unapologetic in my attempt to feel him rub against me.

He puffed air over his lips, heating my neck as he dipped his head there again. "You're mine." His hand snaked up between my breasts to rest on my sternum. "Again, it's childish, and I ain't saying I own you or anything like that but this-" his fingers ran gingerly over my collarbone "-touching you, in bed, at the end of the day, it feels like mine. Can't describe it any other way but it makes me want you, and with-well, with how good that tally of yours has been going maybe there's a little more to my confidence."

My cheeks heated at the reminder of my chart, definitely a few marks under my name as he'd proven piano translates well to other instruments. "But… not yet?"

"Dunno," he answered quickly. "I-doing what I do to you is easy. Thinking about you doing things to me? I dunno."

I slid my hand over his, tangling our fingers. "You can take your time, Soul."

"I know." His voice didn't seem at all filled with patience especially as the last word fluttered off in a sigh. "Guess that's why I'm sorry though. Doesn't really matter if I'm turned on if I'm not gonna-"

"Yes, it does!" I startled both of us with the shout as I actually shimmied loose and turned my head over my shoulder. "It's-well, I guess it's a compliment."

The matter-of-fact tone sent his eyebrow up in reply.

"I'm eight months along, Soul, as big as a whale-" I huffed "-and just laying next to me does it for you? Seriously, that's more than I can ask for. And on top of that, you're just proving again that it's both of us you're thinking about. You were worried about Jack and now you're obsessing about me."

"Obsessing's not exactly a compliment," he muttered out of the side of his mouth.

I sighed. "Maybe it gives me hope that you could think about it long enough to let yourself enjoy it." I prodded at his chest then let my hand slip gently downward. "Because it's great that you think about my enjoyment but what about yours?" My fingers stopped at the band of his shorts. "Let yourself feel good for once-especially without the judgment of whether or not anything is going to happen next."

He caught the edge of those words with his lips as his fingers wrapped around my wrist. It was just a slight movement that inched me towards the point where I could feel the outline of him through the fabric- to the point where a small, throaty, helpless groan passed from his mouth to mine. I let him control the speed and the caress. While maybe to others what passed in the darkness was nothing more than heavy petting like an early teen rendezvous in the backseat of a car, to me it was another turn in the lock that held his heart so tightly enchained. I think, just for a moment, Soul let himself feel and have what was his.