MY FATE IS WRONG! as expected

by CacciaFulmini

7 Masters 9 Servant 2 Hachimans 1 Holy Grail and 3 Protagonists ready to fight for they dreams in a massive battle between ancient and nascent heroes the world has yet to see, Who's gonna win? the Loner, the Sword, the Homunculus or someone entirely different.[UBW storyline various elements from Kaleid & Apocripha Oregairu from vol 11]

14. The sword III

THE SWORD III

---

But first a little commercial.

"Did you know that almost 99% of death by lack of mana is caused by a magical entity?
Terrifying right? But do you know what's even scarier? None got an insurance!"
[GASP NOISES]
"My name is Medea and here at the Conchilis assicuration centre, sub-branch of the EINZBERN GROUP, we believe that nobody should be unpreapred in case your precious life force gets stolen. It doesn't matter the cause. A succubus sexually assaulted you? We got you covered! You remain stuck in the middle of an energy sucking force field created by a random Rider? WE ARE THERE FOR YOU! You get assaulted by a suspicious woman dressed in purple after you didn't sign up when the 30 days trial was over? WELL IT'S NOT OUR BUSINESS! So sign up now!

"CUT good job everyone, Medea, darling you were shining"

"Oh thank you... now WHERE THE HELL IS THE MOCACCINO I ORDERED WITH SABER'S FACE ON! IT WAS SUPPOSED TO ARRIVE 15 MINUTES AGO! WITHOUT MY DAILY DOSE OF SABER I GET CRAZY!

---

"Dying, getting resurrected, getting attacked, nearly dying again, discovering your roommate is some kind of magical Japanese Rambo, summoning a petite girl able to destroy a building, have my crush at home for dinner, doing a trip in the middle of the night, becoming a human jukebox, meeting a creepy priest, signing up for a death battle, getting attacked again, risking life once more, shooting arrows, getting shot and dragging a bunch of unconscious people in my home... Yeah. I've summed up yesterday's highlights"
I thought slowly coming out from my slumber.

Just a few hours ago I was on the verge of death and now... now I was enjoying the floor of my living room...

"Life's really unpredictable"
I muttered too sore to do anything but exist.

Yesterday had been the epitome of craziness; between Lancer trying to kill me, Hikigaya running to face that dragon dude and all the other servants collapsing from the fatigue I truly didn't know which event could obtain the title of "Most fucked up moment of the day"

Oh no, the title surely went to me improvising first aid for Hikigaya, Saber and the enormous Berserker servant while Archer took care of Tohsaka and the two albino maids.

Really trying to putt stitches on Berserker had been impossible! I had to take a hammer to make the needle go through his skin! All while, of course, the little Einzbern girl tried to burn a hole in my skull with her eyes... Geez for some reason she had focused all her attention on me and wouldn't stop starring not even for a second.

It was creepy as hell, the only thing that managed to get her away was putting her to guard the unconscious Hikigaya and the maids.

Speaking of Hikigaya... God! I had no idea what to do with him, his magic circuits kept emitting random flashes of mana, countless burns and cuts were all over his body plus a pretty huge hole in his belly. The only thing I managed to do was put some afterburn cream on his injuries and disinfect his cuts, luckily Hikigaya himself had already sewed up the hole in his belly so he didn't bleed to death, but still, his condition was definitely the worst out of all the guests in my house.

Saber, on the contrary, was the one with the least injuries. She had several bruises and a couple of cuts, apparently, Assassin had tricked Berserker with a phantasm, and made him think Archer was Assassin, while they fought each other he managed to drug Saber and knock her out until he returned to retrieve his Master. I didn't know what Assassin had shot into my servant, but it was scary. When Saber returned conscious hell broke out: she began to claw her own throat before starting to have intense retchings, she had been heavily intoxicated and her body was fighting with every single cell to get rid of that poison. All I could do for her was hold her head (Like I did with Fuji-nee in several occasions) and wait, after about five minutes of terror Saber regained a semblance self-awareness and immediately noticed the bullet hole in my arm, oddly enough it had stopped bleeding as I got closer to Saber and was healing a frightening speed...

I thought about asking Hikigaya, maybe he could have given me some insight, or maybe not since he wanted to keep this "secretive" air... but he wasn't nearly as good as he suspected.
Yesterday I figured out he was that Zero skeleton guy and he looked all surprised... I mean his "I'm-edgy-and-don't-care-about-people" act was pretty easy to look through, I saw him throw himself against a car to save a kid and plug a spear in his chest to buy me more time to escape. As much as he tried to deny it, as much as an asshole he was, Hikigaya Hachiman was a good guy.
The moment I found out he still was alive after Lancer's attack I thought there was no way he wouldn't have tried to help me again AND IN FACT! Zero had tried to buy time for me to escape again when he realized he had lost like whom I might ask? Hikigaya frigging Hachiman.

The first time I clearly said in my mind "Hikigaya Hachiman is Zero" there wasn't an ounce of doubt. I had just pretended next to have discovered his identity with a dumb bluff to preserve part of his self-esteem. I truly doubted that guy would have accepted easily that I read through his intentions; much like Archer.

Geez, that guy hated me for some reason! The moment he came back from his fight with Assassin along with Berserker, he immediately began to say how it was all my fault, how that battle had started because I didn't resign from the holy grail war and stuff. He kept throwing at me this stare of pure spite while throwing casual glances to Saber, the bleeding Rin, and the white girl Illiya. Sure he was right it was my fault, couldn't deny it, but couldn't he, just for one-second, gulp down his hate and work with me for a common cause? If he really had to make me feel worse than I already felt he could do it when everybody else was safe.

The only thing that made him reason again was Rin losing consciousness.

"speaking of which"
I thought feeling something wet on my face.

She had been drolling all night on the sofa right next to me, or at least since Archer sewed her wounds and returned in his un-material form.
I had spent all night close to Rin in order to be ready in case there were problems.
Saber had tried to take this job from me, but she was too tired so I just sent her in my room to rest, she refused, I refused her refusal and we ended up sharing the second sofa.

We slept with our heads facing the opposite sides of the sofa and despite the lack of space, it was pretty comfy... for about five minutes, then Saber kicked me down.

I then moved near to Tohsaka and fall asleep; there weren't many other things that could go wrong in 5 hours of silence.

*Shift

"That didn't sound good"
I said opening my eyes to see a blurred Tohsaka gradually slipping away from the sofa.

"No no no no"
I repeated madly trying to move my arms... however they... were kind of asleep.

Swuf

Like some sort of potato sack, Rin Tohsaka fell on the paralyzed me, her eyes shot open her gaze was filled with panic, she didn't know what was going on and before she could her face slammed on mine.

Now in all the corny tv series, I have seen with Fuji-nee when she realized she couldn't get a boyfriend these kinds of scenes ended with some kind of sweet and awkward kiss. And now I can say real life is way more bitter and painful... like teeth against lips painful.

"MpH!"

"HGAR!"

Our jaws bashed against one another and whatever romantic feeling coming from the sudden meeting of our lips got crushed under burning pain.

"This was not like I had imagined it"
I thought rolling on the floor holding my mouth.

Damn, I was bleeding I was definitely bleeding and dirtying the tatami under me in the process!

AH, NOT AGAIN! There were already enough blood-stains in my house, and God, those things were difficult to get rid of!

"Hey Tohsaka good morning"
I muttered putting and hand on my wounded lips.

"Gha! That hurts, what the hell happened?"
Grunted her using her hand in the same way I was doing.

A deep blush was spreading across all her face and… oh no it was bad, it was really bad half of her clothes were full of tears and right I couldn't dare to imagine how this scene looked from outside.

"If someone walks in now it's going to be the end for both my reputation and my life once Tohsaka gets her hands on me!"

Out of paranoia, I threw a quick stare to the door expecting it to open in 3, 2, 1, NOW!
Luckily nothing happened uh maybe karma existed after all.

"Hey Shiro I made a question, the hell happened"
Asked Tohsaka with annoyed tone and inquisitive eyes while her hand moved to hold the wound on her arm.

It had started to bleed again the bandage around it was turning red.

"Uh? Ehm you fell from the sofa and crashed on me"
I blabbered pointing at the saliva stain left on the pillows.

To be fair I answered with about 20% of my brain as I was thinking about what to treat her wound. The bullet Assassin shot was still inside her arm and she definitely needed to go to the hospital, but it wasn't exactly easy to explain how she got shot...

"But what's more weird is how little she is concerned about it!"
I thought while my yes kept moving on to her wound.

I mean really! Please, Tohsaka get a grip! You have a hole in your arm why do you act like it's nothing. Are your nerves okay?

"EMIYA SHIRO FOCUS! Why were you sleeping under me!"
Cried Rin making me snap out of my trance.

"Because I wanted to stay close to you... oh fuck that sounds bad... In case there were problems I mean...yeah"
I responded as my whole idiocy decided to stream in my mouth.

I want to stay close to you, really!? Why am I so dumb ah here it comes her response!

"... That's! That's actually kind of nice"
Said Tohsaka as I prepared to receive a slap.

"Sorry what?"
I muttered peaking to her blushing face.

"I mean you have another couch, you could sleep there!"

"There's Saber"
I retorted pointing at the short girl that was yawning and stretching through the whole length of the sofa.

"Is it just me or her joints shouldn't stretch that much"
Asked a voice behind Tohsaka and me.

"Well that's kind of physically impossible for a normal human"
Said Tohsaka tilting her head a little.

"Are we sure it's not some prophetic trick?"
I asked suppressing a yawn.

"Bah I don't know I stopped to care at "Well", morning by the way"

"Yeah, Morning Hikigaya...wait HIKIGAYA!?"
"Yeah, Morning Hikigaya...wait HIKIGAYA!?"
Blurted out Tohsaka and I turning our heads at the same time.

"Sup' "
Responded him sipping coffee from his mug.

He looked horrible, I mean for someone that escaped death just a few hours ago he looked just fine, however, his eyes were marked by heavy eyebags and his stare was the same of a dead fish...

"Wait a minute that's the regular Hikigaya!"
I thought realizing he wasn't scarred at all from yesterday, he was the same as ever just with a bunch of bandages all over his body and a red hand on his cheek?

"Gosh you look terrible"
Commented Tohsaka letting out whatever crossed her mind.

"Oh thank you, you too"
Smiled Hikigaya making some kind of high pitched voice.

"Asshole"

"Bitch"

"Dead-eyed creep"

"Twin tailed elephant"

"Hey hey stop, no fights so soon in the morning"
I said moving my hands in the middle of their stare fight before hell broke out.
"But to be fair I agree with Tohsaka you're an asshole"

"That's pretty gratuitous from you Emiya, I'm offended"
Replied him sipping more coffee.

"After I dragged your unconscious ass here, I believe I have the right to say as much"

"But since I avoided you got your legs cut off by the Sieg dude, I believe your beliefs mean nothing"

"However I hold your freaking head while you were vomiting in that street, you owe me"

"You were the one that dragged me out!"

"You came by your own choice you jerk!"

"Because you run into horrible situations just by existing!"

" That's uncalled for!"

"Kids stop arguing! And act your age!"
Intervented Rin with the same fashion as me.
"... still, point for Hikigaya, objective facts are objective facts"

"Com' on Tohsaka I can't be that bad"
I said trying to meet her blue eyes.

Yeah trying, she kept moving her stare away from me.

"... Am I that bad?"

"No Emiya-kun, you just got attacked by Lancer nearly died, did not resigned the holy grail war... wait a minute I'm still angry with you!"

"Weren't we past this thing!"

"HELL NO! Do you think that just because you protected me from Assassin once I'd forget?"

"Kinda?"
I asked confused, I wasn't well versed in the art of dealing with angry girls.

"Well you're wrong... Thank you though"
Tohsaka replied with a faint blush.

"Okay...I'm totally lost"
I sighed did she hate me, did she like me, did she something? God, I needed support!

"Just fuck each other already"
Hikigaya grunted while gulping down all the coffee left in his mug.

"What's that supposed to mean!"
"What's that supposed to mean!"
Outbursted Rin and I as all our blood rose to our faces!

I know, I know, I wanted support, but we can all agree anything is better than a Hikigaya Hachiman in this situation.

"Do you want me to start the story of the bees and the flowers or we can cut the crap and start with the business? You can sort out your relationship later"
Said him rolling his eyes.

"What kind of business?"
Asked Rin cocking her eyebrow.

"bullets removal"

---

"You gotta be kidding me"
I thought while making my way in the kitchen along with Tohsaka.

My kingdom was a mess, there was a box of cereal left open on a shelf, several pots full of boiling water on the stove and the table had been covered in plastic.

"Dude, when did you wake up?"
I asked looking around.

"A while ago, the Ojou-brat, Flatchest-san, and Leyz-whatever didn't allowed me to fall asleep again, I made some coffee and then...things got out of hand"
Retorted him pouring in his mug another round of coffee.

"I see, did they do that to you?"
I said pocking my cheek.

For moment Hikigaya didn't seem to realize what I was pointing at, then he touched his own cheek and went ballistic.

"Ouch, ah that bitch, is it swollen?"
He grunted checking his reflection in the coffee spoon he was using.

"Let me see"
Said Tohsaka stepping closer to Hikigaya.

She took away from his hands the coffee mug, put it on the table and then took Hikigaya's face her hands. She moved it a bit as to inspect the hand-shaped bruise, but then she just punched the dead-eyed teen straight in the face.
"And that's for the stunt you pulled yesterday!"
Screamed Rin while Hikigaya fell soundly on the floor.

"Why always the face!"
He cried smashing on the floor.

Knowing this wasn't going to end well I dashed to block Tohsaka's arm before she could throw another punch, but that didn't stop her from trying to kick Hikigaya until I took her away.
"Calm down, calm down"
I repeated pulling her back on my chest.

"If he is going to get a bullet out of you I wouldn't mess with him"
I whispered making her come out fro her berserk state.

"Fine fine, I deserved that one"
Growled Hikigaya still lying on the floor.

Heck, he was really out of shape, normally he wouldn't have Rin even touch him... oh goodness my lips were going upward.

"Better hide my smile"
I thought sipping coffee from Hikigaya's unguarded mug.

The bitter taste of the dark drink filled my mouth but then I noticed a horrible truth.
"Is this decaffeinate?"
I asked widening my eyes in shock.

I had bought this... thing by mistake a month ago, why did it ever reached a cup?!

"It was the only one left"
Retorted Hikigaya in low voice.

"Are you kidding, I stocked a month worth of it two days ag-... Hikigaya when you said you made some coffee... How much does some mean?"
I said cocking an eyebrow towards the trash.

"...some"

Opening the trash can I saw around all the package of coffee I had bought.
"you do know you have a problem, right?"
I asked looking the dark-haired teen.

"...a?"

"Several problems"

"That sounds more like me, so wanna help me get up so we can start or you want to punch my face for yesterday, apparently is a free estate"
Groaned Hikigaya raising a bandaged hand.

"Uh who do you think I'm, I understand why you did what you did yesterday"
I responded calmly extending my hand.

Sure his methods weren't perfect but none died yesterday and I highly doubted the same result could have been achieved in another way. However, he messed with my kitchen and that was a different topic.

*PUNCH

"WHY THE FACE!"

---

About ten minutes later I was cooking breakfast while Hachiman was drawing with a black marker a few lines on Tohsaka's arm with his blackened-eye barely open.

"The eye Emiya, out of all the places the eyes, I have to open people for fuck's sake choose the nose next time"
Said the dark-haired teen caressing his face with a cube of ice.

"Sorry, after all the things you did yesterday I thought you were tougher, my bad"
I retorted vaguely distracted by my tools

"How will you use us today Shiro?"

"I was thinking about a simple omelet, rice, and fish, better keep things easy since we got extra mouths to feed"
I said to answer their question.

"Seems good to me Emiya"
But of course, the one to answer wasn't my interlocutors.

"Yeah totally talking with you... ehm how are two maids, and Illiya was it? She had wanted to be the one controlling you"
I chit-chatted trying to play it cool.

I definitely didn't need people discovering I had imaginary friends that I used to cope with dad's death and my phobia of fire. I mean fire is not scary if it's used to cook right? Right.

Focus on Hikigaya he'll start some rant at mid-sentence, make some bizarre questions or both"

"Oh yes check on me... that Ojou-brat just wanted a me sized body pillow and don't get me started on the maids they put themselves in those positions and blame me for what happened next! Hypocrisy!"

"It has to do with the hand on your face?"

"Which one?"

"Com'on you knew that was coming don't act all upset... and remember my kitchen my rules"

"Why do I feel that in this room there is not a single functional human being?"
Asked Hikigaya pushing Tohsaka's nape on the table.

"You know I'm right here"
Retorted the teen while her hair fell like twin waterfalls on her bare shoulders.

"So?"

"...I hate you"

"I guess I'll live with this burden"

"Emiya-kun can you remind me again why am I letting this jerk open my arm"
Asked Tohsaka with her cheek pressed against the table.

It was like she was pouting... cute.

"Because it would be difficult dealing with a hospital since Archer is recovering and you're short in mana, plus you don't want to go to church and Hikigaya managed to saw up his own body while drunk so he has enough skills "
I replied hoping she'd be reasonable.

Rin Tohsaka had saved my life yesterday at school, and for some reason, she didn't even bother to use this fact as a resource last night... Probably she didn't want me to know about it, but still, I desired to repay my debt, I had to, even though we were technically enemies at this point.

"Ah really that's what you think?"
Grinned Hikigaya looking on my eyes.
"She just agreed because she could only mutter "oh yes" when you asked and bent to lift a bandage left on the floor"

"...I see... have you been drinking again Hikigaya, cuz there's no way you'd come up with something like this sober"
I retorted shrugging my shoulder it was way too stupid to be real.
"Right Tohsaka?"

"Y-yes definitely"

"...I'm so glad that I'll be gone in a month right now, you two are seriously painful to watch. Speaking of painful, Emiya do you happen to have weed, pure alcohol or an old frying pan"
Said the dark-haired teen walking by my side and starting to wash his hands.

"I don't know why do you believe any drug could make its way in my home"
I whispered tossing him the hand soap.

"You are stressed guy without a girlfriend, that doesn't do sport and keeps failing in magecraft; anxiety must go away in some way, plus I don't see any punching bag around... except me apparently"
Said Hikigaya with a deadpan.

"Geez thank you, buddy. No, I don't have weed and you finished the Spiritus yesterday, as for the frying pan... I guess there's one over there"
I sighed pointing to a small cabinet in a corner of the kitchen.

Or as I liked to call it the retirement home, where my trusted and a bit rusty friends could relax until I managed to buy that forge I saw on amazon and fuse them in a single gigantic Paella-sized pan!

"Okay let's see too big, too small, this one is perfect"
Muttered taking out from the cabinet Percival great cook of fried rice.

"Be careful with him, it, don't ruin my pan"
I spat while all the happy moments we spent together flashed in my mind.

...Uh... we sure cooked a crazy amount of rice together I should have used changed him sooner.

"Don't worry he is in safe hands, I'll just need it for a second"
He responded moving closer to Tohsaka.

"Uhm? You'll need it for what?"
She asked a bit startled as if she was ready to jump down from the table and run.

"I needed something proper to prepare an ointment on"
Grunted Hikigaya passing beside a surprisingly relieved Rin Tohsaka.

"Fiu I thought was the anesthesia"

"Oh but it is"

"What?"

*SBAAAAMMM.

---

"THAT WAS UNNECESSARY!"
I immediately screamed as Tohsaka fell unconscious under the blunt power of Percival.

Letting go of everything I was doing, I rushed near my unconscious classmate just to have Hikigaya try to knock me out with the pan.

I just managed to grab the handle a moment before it was too late.

"You lose Hikigaya, Percival would never hurt me"
I hissed poisonous using my better health to push Hikigaya.

However, he didn't want to lose his grip.

"Who's Percival?"
He asked or better expired while fighting back.

AAHH I had to dodge that question!
"Ehm...it doesn't matter now, why were you trying to hit me?"

Nice Shiro!

"Because you were eventually going to... and I can't handle your chit-chatting with the kitchen tools when I'm extracting a bullet, plus you still have a bullet in your arm too... I planned to kill three birds with a pan"

"I... can't argue with your points"
I said pretty troubled by the pragmatism of this conversation.

Damn, he was right, I was going to hit him.

"Good, now let me hit you"
He responded swinging the pan once more.

"No!"
I ducked a second before the tragedy.

"Awww! If you have to be awake at least give me a hand"
Groaned him putting on the table next to Rin the pan.

With the utmost care, I peaked Tohsaka's face trying to find the point where the pan made contact, however, her skin was still pale and perfect everywhere...
"Do you do... this often?"
I asked to Hikigaya commending his skills.

"Every once in a while, practice makes perfect"
He responded taking out from somewhere his dagger and... front torch made out of pink plastic.

That looked familiar, wait?
"Is that the prize of the cereals?"

"Yup, I need light to work"
He nodded turning on the light.

"You're crazy"

"I prefer the term: creative"

"You regularly knock out people with a pan! Creative my ass. Besides why Tohsaka?"
I said presenting evidence of my theory.

I repeat: Hikigaya Hachiman was crazy. I was ready to put somewhere a desk and put on a sign that said "change my mind"

"Why Tohsaka? Because... you know what? Humor me, imagine why I'd knock out Tohsaka"

"Because you're crazy!"
I cried throwing my hands towards the sky.

"..."
He rose an eyebrow

"Okay, let's suppose there's logic behind your madness"
I sighed massaging my nose bridge.
"So, first of all, I'd point out all your weird request about alcohol and drugs were just a decoy you already know there was nothing like that in my house. You wanted to physically knock Tohsaka out from the beginning, you just needed to keep her calm, after all the anesthesia wasn't vital for the success of the operation and you wouldn't waste a chance to come back at Tohsaka"

"Good but you're focusing on the how. I want the why"

"Ehm because you want to use your magecraft?"

"Nope"

"To test me?"

"Nah I was trying to knock you out too, remember"

"UHG! How the hell would I know, you could be planting a bomb inside her arm for as much as I know!"

"You're correct Emiya"

"I'm what now?"

"Yeah I'm planting a bomb inside Tohsaka's arm"

My throat closed and my lips dried up. He was kidding...there was no way he was serious, why would he... No, wait it did make sense. Hikiagaya knew Tohsaka was a magus and Tohsaka knew Hikigaya was a magus, Tohsaka had a servant, Hikigaya had not. Tohsaka saw Hikigaya as an unknown threat and given how they interacted, one was probably going to kill the other soon. Hikigaya was preparing some kind of insurance.

At this point, I felt overwhelmed and I didn't know what to say, everything was too crazy, trying to rationalize what was happening with common sense was useless, the only thing I could do was scratch my chin and say.
"I see. Will it be lethal?"

To be fair, hearing my voice I was surprised by how natural I managed to sound, it didn't feel like I was desperately screaming in my mind.

"Nah at worse her arm will blow up, I just need the bomb to weaken her or as plan Z"
Said Hikigaya generating a black crystal on the tip of his index.

"..sure"
I gulped trying to stay cool.

Sure?! Sure!? Why was he so unfazed by the idea of blowing up someone's arm!
By the way, trying to stay cool was difficult.

"..and... and why are you telling me this?"
I muttered raising an eyebrow.

"Because you will also have the detonator"
He responded tossing to me the crystal.

Out of instinct, I grabbed it and before I could voice my complains the crystal turned into a black ring around my middle finger.

"Emiya before you start the bitching, remember that anytime allies can change and so your enemies, you must always have insurance... so I don't have to explain to the police why my landlord was found dead and with a missing hand. Now com'on give me a hand I have to remove her bullet before she wakes up. You can say that I'm cold and heartless later"
Sighed Hikigaya cutting off Rin's bandage.

"Damn"
I grunted pocking the ring.

Thus guy was hopeless, twisted and rotten, he did all he could to be hated. I couldn't tell what the hell was going through his head, it was like he desired to be some sort of hate pillow you punch to get rid of stress. Every nice thing he did had to be covered by countless layers of spite.

"You must always make it difficult to say thank you"
I sighed moving next to him to block Rin's arm.

"Uh?"

"It's like you always have the best intentions possible but purposely decided to hide them under some selfish reason"

"I don't-"

"Thank you, for trying to protect me...even though you're pathologically an asshole and we're both dead if Tohsaka ever finds out"

"I, I..."

"You don't purposely act like a douche? Yeah, sure"

"Stop reading between lines Emiya! I'm-"

"Acting for my own benefit if you're so thankful get me a Max coffee. yeah, yeah I know chill Hikigaya"

"...stop reading my mind"

"Ahahahah the student surpassed the teacher"

"Yeah, as if, now keep her damn arm still or this is going to be a mess"

"Aye"
I grinned while the loner began to work.

---

As the surgical extraction started an incredible peace surrounded the two of us. No sounds could be heard, except a few random yawns Saber made.
My job was simple: keep Rin's arm still and occasionally moving the coffee mug close to Hikigaya's mouth.

To say I felt useful was an exaggeration, but... no there were no buts, the job was boring and it sucked.

"So it's gonna take a lot of time?"
I asked as the dark aired teen poured a few drops of Tohsaka's blood around her wound.

"Twenty minutes at best an hour at worse, I have to get what Archer did to block her pain sense"
He responded before a flash lighted the room.

Suddenly Rin's blood and the lines Hikigaya drew before with a marker began to glow of light blue.
"Is this some kind of tracking spell?"
I said widening my eyes.

"What no, I don't know how to do that. I'm just sterilizing the area around the wound"

"...Obviously"
I sighed while Hachiman's black dagger slowly dug in Rin's flesh.

It was weird how such a gruesome action could be performed so sweetly, Hikigaya moved the blade slowly and with incredible care, doing his best to avoid touching anything dangerous.
I did my best to remain quiet but my eyes couldn't stop looking at the dagger, yesterday I had held it, used my magic on it and felt... something I could hardly describe.

As soon as I traced that blade a stream of battles flashed in my mind while countless movement filled my body, like the choreography of a dance.

"Emiya, speak your irregular breathing is annoying, if you got to say something say it"
Grunted Hikigaya not moving his stare.

"That dagger"
I said.
"What is it exactly"

"Old tempered metal"

"But that's impossible I..."

"You managed to extract some kind of fighting experience from it, yes Tohsaka told me and no I have no idea how"

"There isn't any kind of enchantment on it"

"Just advanced metallurgy"

"But all those moves, those techniques, I could feel them run through my body, from where they came from?"

"Me, all the moves you performed were and still are mine"

"You mean I copied your fighting style thanks to your weapon?"

"No definitely no, you just swung the dagger with a decent form, your attacks had no character or thoughts, you were no better than a kid button mashing"

"Geez thanks"

"You're welcome I love outlining people's ignorance"

"Wow, I couldn't imagine it... So are you some kind of super-spy?"

"What makes you think it?"

"Some images I saw while using your knife, there were soldiers, wealthy men, and similar stuff. Super-spy was the only thing that I was able to imagine"

"I see... well yeah I something like that and if you share this detail with someone else things will get really ugly"

"Ominous. Fine my lips are sealed"

"We'll see that. And here comes the bullet"
He said taking out a tiny mass of metal.

"That's weird a servant used a real weapon"
I mumbled looking the bullet being dropped on Percival.

"Odd right, however, that's good if the weapon that shot this thing can be tracked down so can Assassin"

"And I suppose you know how to do that because in my eyes that bullet is only a piece of metal"
I said looking at the suspiciously obsidian bullet.

"Oh no I can't do it"
Replied Hikigaya returning to work inside Tohsaka's wound.

"Ara?"
What was that supposed to mean?
"Hikigaya if you can do it than what... eh this thing is useless"
I blinked staring at the emotionless teen and the bullet.

"Emiya let me put it in this way, MY powers ARE only good to fight, deal with psyche of a person and kind-of-heal, these 3 things, I don't have useful swiss knife skills like Tohsaka, so to have ballistic test we need to or to break into the police-station or find someone that can mysteriously read the memories of an object... do you happen to know someone like that Emiya?"
Deadpanned my school mate with his scary eyes.

"Are you talking about me?"
I gasped staring at the bullet.

No no no yesterday was a stroke of luck there was no way I could do it.

"It would be a worth shot and most importantly it would make me save time... I already have to sew up the other three albinos and prepare a couple things for what's going to come, not having to knock out a cop would be awesome"
He replied while his pupils widened.
"Ah! Forget it now! I found what the hell Archer did!"

Hearing his words I moved closer and peaked inside Rin's flesh... I was no expert but if what I was seeing was a tiny blade, well it wasn't supposed to be there.

"The hell is that blade?"
I asked while Hikigaya pulled my face away.

"I'd say it's some kind of nervous impulse inhibitor, it's shutting down Tohsaka's pain sense so the moment I extract it all the stimulus from this part of her body will be barging in her head so it's time to make the ointment"
Said Hikigaya giving a light kick to my ankle.
"Take the jars under the table Emiya"

Accepting his request I lowered my back to find six or seven glass jars filled with weird powder, shells and a suspicious green liquid.

"Should I ask how all this stuff came here, or it's something you had in your room all along?"
I said putting the jars where I cooked.

"They are just some pretty neat ingredients I always carry with me, all stuff pretty rich in mana or proteins I eat to recover, yesterday I went too far at least 5 times, I won't be able to fight like that for a while plus my circuits are almost all in stand by, it's a miracle yesterday they didn't flare all at once"

"So why your body kept emitting mana randomly all night?"
I asked a bit nervously since the thought of grabbing a shovel and bury his stroboscopic body in the yard to sleep, had crossed my mind more than once.

"My circuits were repairing themselves, weird they were so quick"

"I thought magic circuits couldn't regenerate"

"I'm kind of a special case"
He said with a shit-eating grin.

"You're definitely special indeed"
I nodded with exaggerated emphasis.

"Was that sarcasm?"
He asked raising an eyebrow.

"nnnoooooo"
I replied doing my best to keep a straight face.

"...I don't know if I have to punch you or be proud cuz you're finally learning something"

"Just finish to deal with Tohsaka"
I sighed tired of his salty retorts.

"Fine fine, now hear me out Emiya, take the shells of Mikonos, no not those the white ones, ok perfect, now turn them into dust. *SBAAAMMM, now put everything in a glass and add the green resin of Indian mandrake, then add two teaspoons of midnight dust and the flour of Mexican cockroach, don't give me that stare and touch the whole thing with your left hand."

"Ehw"
I groaned as the texture of the mixture felt pretty disgusting.

"How does it feel"

"Disgusting"

"I mean slimy like the snot of a troll"

"How am I supposed to know that?"

"Gosh, your life is boring, just bring it here it's perfect"
He sighed ordering me around like usual.

EHW I wanted to throw up, this blob was seriously disgusting, and some was still on the black ring. I wasn't sure at all I wanted this stuff on Tohsaka or within 5 miles from my kitchen. I mean if this thing was to grow legs and run away I wouldn't be even that surprised.

"I really hope this thing works"
I said following Hikigaya's gesture to pour the glass on Percival.

The moment the blob reached the pan, it ran all over the place swallowed the bloody bullet, then some disgusting fumes that smelled like rotten meat flew in the air while the green substance became color skin and condensed in a tiny ball. The bullet was now clean and shining on the pan while the little mysterious ball pulsed weirdly.

"Now that's creepy as hell"
I commented pocking the ball, it seemed like a living being.
"Tell me it will heal better than it smells"
I begged passing the ball to Hikigaya.

"Wait who said this is for healing?"
He asked staring at me with his black and swollen eye.

"W-what?"
I mumbled while he took the ball.

"This is the bomb, I just needed you to make it so it would sink with the ring. Not sorry by the way"
He grinned taking out Archer's blade while exchanging it with the tiny ball that started to attach itself in Rin's arm.

The blob was the bomb!

"He tricked me in doing the dirty work!"
I mentally cried while Rin's body suddenly jolted.

"GAH!"
Groaned Tohsaka as her sense of pain returned.

Sweatdrops filled her forehead, as she lamented and tried to move, Hikigaya and I immediately went to block her body.
I had almost to lie upon her to keep her still, while the dark-haired teen just put pressure in a few points to block her muscles.

"Is this supposed to happen? I thought you didn't want to use mage-craft"
I asked while black smoke rose from Tohsaka's arm.

"I never said that I said I didn't knock her out to use it, I always planned to weld her flesh with my powers"
He sighed while Rin moved even more fiercely.

"Couldn't you use them from, ah! Foot in the liver, from the beginning?"
I said enduring several blows on my person.

"Emiya let me tell you one thing about my power: I control pain and that allows me to heal wounds, however, there is a condition, they must hurt if an injury is painless such as third-grade burn I can't do anything. Archer blocked Tohsaka's pain sense so to heal most of her arm I had to make her suffer. UGH! Bitch!"
He responded receiving an elbow under his chin.

"It's gonna take much longer? I'm kind... at my limit"
I gasped struggling to maintain Rin still any longer.

"No"
Replied Hikigaya inhaling in his nose all the smoke coming out from Tohsaka until the once deep wound became an injury that could be sewed up with a couple of stitches.

"Okay and we're done"
He said with a tired smile, before collapsing on the floor.

"Ugh! And only one remained awake..."
I sighed looking at the psychotic dark-haired surgeon droll on the floor.

---

As I returned to be the only conscious person in my house, I sew up Rin and carried back on the couch while leaving Hikigaya on the floor.

It wasn't like I was angry at him... but after all the crazy stuff I saw him seen, I was scared of touching him especially since he had a knife in his hands.

"That's a wasp nest I'm not going to poke"
I muttered cleaning the surgery table and making it return to be my dining table.

Thankfully no blood had spilled out of the plastic cover, so it was a thing less to clean and to explain to Sakura and Fuji-nee, it was already going to be difficult enough to explain why the house was trashed. The excuse " A manly disagreement with Hikigaya" seemed the best option in my mind, since I doubted those two would pry and try to discover which argument could create a brawl.

"Okay and now to the stove!"
I proclaimed moving to finish the preparation for breakfast.

At first, I wasn't sure about the doses, but since I was hungry, like really hungry, like enough hungry to be kicked out from an all you can eat restaurant and the number of people to feed had suddenly multiplied, I decided to empty fridge-kun and prepare something closer to a buffet than a large breakfast.

I kept all the dishes simple since I didn't know everybody's tastes, but I could guarantee this meal was going to satisfy everyone palate.

"Somebody once told me...mmhhhmmmp"

"Tristan Eggrollis pan, what the hell are you singing"
I asked as someone(thing) had stared to do something very annoying.

"Nothing Shiro-kun, I was just humming All-star"

"And why that?"
I replied inquisitively.

"Because I'm a delusion of your faulty brain and I'm brought to life by a combination of your desire and recollection, you sang this song yesterday I sing it today!"
Replied the pan.

"Seems fair...but in every case just stop, I'm growing to hate that song"
I sighed turning off the flame letting everything cool off a little before serving.

Now I had to deal with the elephant in the room, or to be more precise the unconscious teen on teen on the floor so... I went to grab a broom. I wasn't sure a meter and half handle was going to be enough to avoid a dagger in my arm, but it was better to disarm Hikigaya before he went all psycho and did something terrible, LIKE RUIN THE TATAMIS! or yeah hurt people in general...

"Okay, a little more right there"
I said after hitting softly Hikigaya's fingers to make him lose the grip on his dagger.
"A little more right here and *Cut! Fuck!"

Minus a fourth of mop, Hikigaya had sliced though the wood handle while applied and I had barely managed to see the movement. Thank God I avoided using my hand.

After six more attempts and a terribly shortened mop, I finally succeeded to disarm the dead-eyed teen. It was damn crazy how he could perform such moves unconscious and with a bandaged hand, standing to his words Kotomine Kirei trying to heal him from the Gaebolg curse had caused all the dark magic to focus in his hand, bringing it to necrosis-like state.

"Even though the fingers look pretty healthy to me"
I said grabbing the dark dagger.

It was still dirty of blood so I took it to the kitchen sink, I felt oddly comfortable with the weapon in my hand, it was like I had been using it for a lifetime.

"Yesterday still seems a dream"
I sighed trying to recall how I moved the dagger.

The grip, the wrist, the arm; I could feel my muscles try to remember something but... they never quite there, every technique was like a puzzle missing half of the pieces.

An incomplete picture.

But maybe I knew how to see clearly.

"Trace on"

Calling upon my mana I chanted my aria and I tried to replicate my past success. I prepared for the usual painful sensation that accompanied magecraft, that feeling made my body shiver in pain, like a lick of lava carving its path towards the top of a volcano.

However, it didn't come...or at least not immediately. At first, I felt like my mana was flowing in a different way like it didn't have to create a new path but just follow a route, the sensation of countless ice needles running under my skin filled my brain, but in the moment I tried to rationalize what was going on the cold stopped and the usual burning agony re-started.

"AAAGGHHH that's more I remember it"
I groaned while my magic pierced through the dagger.

Hikigaya had said the dagger wasn't magical, nor held any other mystic power, however, it was brimming of...emotions. Hate, fear, love, excitement, and countless other feelings impregnated the very core of that blade to the point where I could see for a brief moment everything it went through... mostly people... and weird animals.

"Oh god there so much blood"
I sputtered half-scared and half-interest by the amount of anatomy I was learning: Who knew the inclination to pierce a lung was so weird.

Anyway, as all those fragmented memories made their way in my mind and before I knew it I was moving the dagger through complex forms and techniques.

"Slice, slice, stab, swiiitch griiiipp and another staaaab"
I said cutting the air and letting my body bathe in the moves of someone else.

I danced through the kitchen juggling the knife while fridge-kun and Tristan stared at me impressed. I was single-mindedly exploring which secret that blade contained; My conscience slowly faded with each slash I got dragged deeper in a montage of ever-changing battles and opponents.

I sped up, I sped up until my whole body was like a river that twisted and re-twisted to reach its destination. At one point though, all the battles, all the imaginary opponents stopped appearing leaving me sweaty and alone in the kitchen.

"What?"
I gasped looking around.

My muscles were burning, however, my mana hadn't run over yet, where did everything go?
Suddenly a painful jolt pierced my brain and a tiny grim voice started to laugh in my ears.

---

"Your fate is sealed spawn of Muramasa

---

Everything became fire, the kitchen, the house, my home every single bit of my life got covered in a blanket of flames. Before I knew it I was in my personal hell: the great fire of Fuyuki.

The smell of smoke and death filled my nose and a black wolf-like beast stood before me, he was made of mud and kept laughing.

"What small blacksmith? Cat got your tongue? Don't worry, I won't kill you with my hands"
It said looking his muddy claws.

My body was shivering in fear, not for the beastly nature of that creature... it was something more visceral: a chill that shock every fiber of myself, I couldn't speak, move or do anything else.

"You see Testu, I unfortunately still don't have a body, but even though I couldn't personally send you off I arranged this special event only for you...oh wait"
The beast grinned while crimson marks danced on its body while getting closer.
"You don't recognize this form"

"Ah! I'm so dumb! Okay my error sorry, hmm time traveling makes everything so confusing"
The beast sighed while the smoke kept growing thicker.

Every single part of my body told me to run, but my feet remained still, what the hell was I watching, who was Tetsu? Who was this creature! I had so many questions and the only thing I managed to do was rise the dagger to defend me. The blade trembled in my sweaty palms, I tightened the grip but somehow the more I closed my fists the more I felt the weapon slip away from me.

"What if I assume a form you're more acquainted with, my old playmate? To make things more clear"

The creature began to shrink, starting to look more anthropomorphic, starting to look like a child. At that point, I don't know what possessed me but every fiber of my being pushed me to slash at the creature. I threw the dagger forward driving its blade through the mud.

A silver arc lighted the space between me and the beast, and as if this illusion itself was cut apart the flames started to fade.

The last thing I saw was a smiling child with his face split in half saying.
"You're so mean buddy, but don't worry I made sure your fate is going to be worse"

The sight of a blazing katana flashed in my eyes immediately followed by a golden scabbard.

Then I only knew I had returned to reality.

"Shiro? What are you doing?!"

---

"AAH!"
I screamed in a high-pitch voice.

My hands rose in the sky, however, they were so sweaty the dagger I was holding slipped away and stuck in the ceiling.

"Uh, ah. Hi Saber"
I said moving casually my arms in a stretching position.
"Did you sleep well"

"...Yes... are you okay? You look pale."
She asked moving closer to check my temperature with her hand.

"I'm fine! I'm fine! I'm fine, really!
I gasped in panic as the tiny servant's eyes got too close to my face.

"Sure?"

"Sure"

Cool, I had managed to Saber keep away from one more thing to worry about, now I can just focus on...

"...is something burning?"

*Sniff

FUCK

"The eggs!"

---

Forgetting the food... the most shameful crime a cook can commit, how could I be so disgraceful.

"Oh yeah, a nightmarish illusion.."
I thought saving all the eggrolls possible... just to give up half-way.

I really hoped everyone liked scrambled eggs.
Even though it wasn't exactly important.
They were probably all starving right now. With all the fighting and stuff...

"Shiro, I do not want to bother you, but... is it going to take much longer?"
Asked Saber throwing a casual stare at me while her ahoge kept moving like a tail

"Sweet god that's adorable, but I need to focus!"
I thought searching for something horrible enough to erase Saber's cuteness.

"Mmhhh... Hiccup I told you not to feed the dragon near the curry... now everything tastes like Toothless' scales."

Okay found it.

"No Saber it won't take long, in fact, it's ready... now"
I said turning down the flame.

Okay, breakfast was ready, now I only had to assemble all the guests.
"At least one should be easy"
I thought moving close to Hikigaya.

"UH! Is that a can of Max coffee?!"
I gasped with my best-surprised voice.

"WHERE!?"
He shouted still half asleep looking around.

"It's arriving on the table just go wait in the dining room"

"Fine Megumi... you're the best mom... did you get a cold your voice sounds more stupid"
Mumbled the asshole while stumbling in the dining room.

"Is he drunk again?"
Asked Saber looking at him moving on his unsteady feet.

"If I didn't know for a fact he didn't touch alcohol for the past 5 hours I'd be tempted to say yes. He used a bit of his magecraft on Rin, and apparently, he burned too much fuel yesterday now his mind is all fuzzy..."

"WHERE THE FUCK IS MY DAGGER, WHO'S THE SLIMY LITTLE COMMUNIST SHIT TWINKLE-TOED COCKSUCKER WHO JUST SIGNED HIS OWN DEATH WARRANT!"

My eyes moved towards the ceiling.

"...in any case, he should be armless unless a direct threat approaches him, but don't let him get close to anything sharp while I call the homunculi"
I said vaguely concerned for me, the blade stuck in the ceiling and... well the very very dangerous teenager in the other room.

"Do you want I wake up Rin in the meantime?"
Said the servant pointing to the unconscious girl on the couch.

"Yeah why not"

---

"Hey, who's hungry...ehm. No that sounds stupid. I'll just go with breakfast is ready."
I said standing in front of Illya's bedroom or at least the one she occupied.

That girl made me feel uneasy, like the sound of a leaky faucet or something equally annoying... a nail in the brain for example.

"Eh, let's get this over with, it can't go that badl..."
*crunch
An arm broke through the door.

"y"
Just the time finish my sentence and I got grabbed by the collar and slammed into the paper door.

"Please... explain why..you were...ehm standing here...doing nothing for the past 10 minutes"
Said the voice of one of the maids from the other side of the door.

"Breakfast's ready... I didn't know how to inform you without incurring in this situation but guess what... My efforts were useless! "
I said gasping for air, God this girl had a strong grip.

"Illiya-sama this buffoon thinks he can fool us with an excuse like that, there's no telling what he might try, just like his friend he might attack our purities!"

Wait...what did she just say?!

"Calm down you two, the scent of food reached this room at least 10 minutes ago, he is actually here to call us for breakfast"
Said Illya as my face kept being squashed in the paper door.

"But how can his commoner palate satisfy your tastes"

"WHO CARES I'M STARVING! Liz let him go"

"...sure?"

"Sure"

"..fine"

"Waah!"
I grunted finally free to fall on the floor.

Cold sweat flowed on my back as the door slowly slid open, I couldn't address why specifically, probably because if Berserker had appeared I wouldn't even have been that surprised.

However, instead of a mountain of muscles, after the door I found a child wearing a hoodie several times too large.
"Oni-chan sorry for the waiting"

And somehow it was even more disturbing.

"No... problem"
I said while this...overly joyful girl tapped on my head displaying a mood totally different from what I heard five seconds ago.

What the hell was happening? And why the maids also wore a hoodie on their half burnt clothes?

"I can't wait to hear what did you cook Oni-chan?"
Asked Illiya showing this childish side I couldn't explain.

99% of my mind was screaming how it was all an act and I couldn't trust her however the remaining 1% of me couldn't believe her display wasn't genuine to a certain degree.

"In any case, I play along or this situation will get real ugly!"
I thought smiling and trying to have that 1% take over my body.

"I cooked scrambled eggs! Let's go have breakfast"
I proclaimed leading the way to the dining room.

I didn't want to sound optimistic, but maybe this morning wasn't going to be so bad...

Of course, all my hopes went down the sink the moment I reached the dining room, and my mood got indefinitely more complex. Hikigaya was sat at the table while his dead eyes brimmed with confusion and interest, I followed his gaze and soon I found myself starring at Saber and Rin.
My Servant was rigidly kneeled beside the couch while Rin had wrapped her limbs on Saber and... stuck her tongue in Saber's mouth.

"Ehm Hikigaya what the hell is going on?"
I asked vaguely aroused by the wet sounds spreading in the room.

"I'm not entirely sure, I just heard Saber moving close to Tohsaka, and then something along the lines of " oh Mr Callen" before you know..."

"Do you think Saber is in shock?"
I said looking at her moveless body.

"..Maybe"

"Shouldn't you two stop them!?"
Cried Sella with a crazy blush on her face while her hand was hard pressed against Illya's eyes.

"...In a moment"
"...In a moment"
We replied without moving hour eyes from the two girls.

"Liz! Do something!"
The maid cried again.

"...like... what?"
"I DON'T KNOW JUST STOP THIS OBSCENE SPECTACLE!"
"But...it...looks...interesting"

"Sella get your hand off me! I want to see what's happening! Liz help me!"

As the homunculus crew started to make a fuss Hikigaya claimed part of my attention with an argute remark.
"Hey, Emiya do you have a camera? This scene seems worth recording"

A camera? A camera was it possible that out of the hundreds thing I had repaired there wasn't a camera?!

"...Ehm nope, I don't think"
I said snapping a few pictures with my phone.

"Dude the resolution on that prehistoric thing is terrible"
Said the dark-haired teen with eyes full of disappointment.

"Better than nothing..."

"Better nothing than two pink pixels"

"Do you wanna argue about this?"

"Nah... but now the mood has spoiled"

"Do we divide them?"

"At this point? why not"

"I take Saber you Rin"

"Why do I get the psycho?"

"Would you rather take servant?"
I asked raising an eyebrow.

"Fine, your argument is very compelling"
He shrugged moving behind Tohsaka.

"On three"
I whispered grabbing Saber.
"1, 2, 3!"

"Aaahhhh!"

*squak

With a wet sound, we managed to detach Saber from Tohsaka.
"...mmmm cherry"
Muttered the twin-tailed magus still half-asleep.

Meanwhile, Saber just lied petrified in my arms.
"Holy shit Rin broke her!"
Was my first thought as I began to poke at my servant's cheeks.

"So now what chief?"
Asked Hikigaya while Sella stared in disgust at him.

"Hey flat chest got a problem?"
Grunted my school-mate feeling the hostility.

"Actually I have got one and it's currently breathing in front of me, however, if he stopped I'd be pretty grateful"

"Bu-uh-uh you're words hurt me... unfortunately that's nothing in comparison to the verbal abuse I go through at my club!"

"Is that something to be proud of?"

"Yes, No! Shut up! It's something I can feel more proud of than you shopping for bras in the child section!"
Replied an irritated Hikigaya while his cheeks were set aflame.

Hearing this last statement Liz mouth opened ready to convey an "OOOOHHHH", however, Illya closed the homunculus' mouth with her tiny hand before anything happened.

"No murders"
I instinctively screamed predicting what was going to happen as Sella moved her hands dangerously close to a dish.

"Gland we are on the same page Emiya."
Said Hikigaya right before he... Oh God.

"Were you just trying to throw Tohsaka!?"

"What?! No, I... yes definitely"

"You're terrible"

"Hey modern problems require modern solutions, by the way, Saber is reacting to the food bring her closer to the table"

"Oh right! That's one, how do we wake Tohsaka?"

"Don't worry I have a plan"
Grinned Hikigaya pinching her nose.

Before I could even voice any complaints.
Rin's eyes shoot open and with a high pitched scream filled Hikigaya's hands with snot.
"AHHH!"

"Eeeww"
Groaned the dark-haired teen twisting his face in horror.

"...ehm"
I coughed
"So. Who wants some breakfast?"

---

"I can't believe you cleaned your hand on my shirt!"

"Tohsaka it was all your stuff, I was just giving it back to you"

"UGHHH! YOU TWO STOP CHATTING AND EAT!"
I screamed tired of the arguments between the two of them.

It was almost crazy how nuts they were able to drive me, and I was the most patient person I knew, exception made for Sakura, God bless that girl.

"Fine"
"Fine mom"
Responded the pair of rebellious mages finally shutting up.

"Well deserved peace, fucking finally!"
I thought happily digging in my food.

I quietly watched diners eating in silence and actually it was weirdly relaxing seeing people having seconds, thirds and fou... fifths in Saber's case.
"Shiro your cooking is truly delightful"
Smiled the unfrozen Saber.

Must. Suppress. The. HHHGGGGGGGG!
Okay, it was too cute, I could just grab my heart and trying to contain the fuzzy feeling spreading through my chest. Seeing her so light-heartedly happy filled me with joy...especially since I spent 15 minutes of my life to convince her to eat.
"It wouldn't have felt right to leave the servants without food"
I thought looking through the window where Berserker was eating... bamboo sticks... yeah bamboo.

"Illya are you sure it's fine for Berserker to eat just that?"
I asked a bit guilty.

"Berserker will be fine, his sense of taste has dulled since becoming a servant, and he doesn't need to eat anyway. Having something to chew is probably the best thing he can ask for."
The little girl replied repeatedly trying to roll up the sleeves of the hoodie she was wearing.

If you ignored the fact she could be a cold-blooded killer, she looked pretty damn adorable and also undecided on which seasoning use on her eggs.

"Why don't you try this one?"
I said offering Illya a bottle.

"Oh thank you oni-c"
"ILLYA-SAMA don't!
Screamed Sella slapping away from my hand the soy sauce.
"He wants to poison you!"

"What that's not tr-"

"With his commoner's palate and cheap eggs"

"...Now that's just offensive"
I pouted trying to hide how much I had been hurt by that last statement. There was nothing wrong with buy 6 pay 3 at the combini store.

"Hey respect cheap food flat-chest! Nothing serves the world more!"
Grunted Hikigaya surprisingly taking my side instead of kicking me when I'm down.

I was almost moved.

"I see both of you do not understand how Illya-sama should be fed!"

"Yeah I don't understand and do not care to, but you know when people offer you food from the kindness of their heart you should just accept and say thank you... or perhaps you were never taught that... if you want to practice just start with saying "thank you for kindly letting me borrow your hoodie Hikigaya-sama" try-out"

"I!"

"Sella shut up your embarrassing me"
Burst out Illya silencing the homunculus before she replied to the dark-haired teen.

I almost shivered listening to her more adult voice, and apparently I wasn't the only one.

"Sella... don't be... a pain... eat"
Said Liz stuffing her face with rice while peaking at Illya.

"Why does it seem I'm the only one that thinks this might be a trap!"

"Because you're paranoid, outside your comfort zone and have a few extra holes in your body, or you're a crazy bitch your pick"
Pouted Hikigaya standing up and stretching his legs.

Hearing those words Sella immediately reddened to an incredible degree as if every single drop of blood in her body had rushed to her face.

She began to tremble and pointing her finger to the dark-haired teenager she cried.
"C- crazy, b... you are the most unbearable asshole I ever me-mhuuucc"
Or at least tried to. Before she could complete her sentence Hikigaya teleported behind her and grabbed her nape and neck.

My first thought was: "Oh shit he is going to kill her", however soon enough that thought became something more similar to: "What the actual fuck!"

Under the impotent eyes of all the Masters, servants and maids, Hikigaya pulled a Rin.

Sella's face twisted in surprise as Hikigaya deeply kissed her blocking her arms.

The homunculus tried to free herself for a couple seconds, but then several spasms shook her body and her eyes rolled back, fainting completely.

For a brief moment the whole table stared in horror at the teen, the situation was so unbelievably weird I seriously doubted anyone would have been able to process it.

"Hey don't give me that look, we all know she wasn't going to shut up "
Snorted Hikigaya carrying the unconscious homunculus in the kitchen.

"What the hell did you just do?!"
Asked Tohsaka dropping her chopsticks.

"A quite effective imitation of what you did to Saber 10 minutes ago. Overcharge of sensible yet not utilized nerve ways"

"Oh so you know"
Sighed Illiya.

"Know what?"
I asked.

"Let's put it in this way Emiya, which are the major uses of slaves?"
Asked Hikigaya rolling his eyes.

"Heavy works, as teachers I suppose and prosituitio...oh"
I gasped.

"Exactly: oh, the first homunculi were made to satisfy mostly the first and the last jobs, so the modern blueprints still include elevate sexual sensibility as default characteristic, yet if this pathway is not cultivated in the early stages of life it creates bugs, such as erectile dysfunction in male homunculi or that... in female, if you think about it it's pretty obvious, I mean why even bother to make every homucuncli beautiful if sex wasn't one of their main purposes"
Explained Hikigaya pointing at Liz.

She kind of reddened a bit and then said.
"So... I'm beautiful?"

"...yes... you 're... GOD! what's with girls these days! Are you all blind!? Really what kind of standard do you keep in your head to ask yourself that question!?"
Burst out Hikigaya slamming his hands on his face.
"Have some confidence! Saber, Tohsaka, brat, and Leyz-whatever-now I'm calling you Liz! rate yourself from 1 to 10"

""""What?""""

"Did I stutter?"

"7"

"8"

"8"

"..ehm...8"

"... Oh, Christ, it's a plague, Emiya rate them please confirm me my standard it's not weird"
Sighed a completely fed up teenager.

Suddenly I felt a bunch of stares upon me, in what kind of mess did that asshole drag me into.

"Ehm 10 for all of them!?"
I yelped unable to identify a better answer.

I mean they were all around 10 in my personal scale of tastes and I didn't know which reaction I was going to obtain saying anything lower.

"EXACTLY! Now since my time and neurons are too important to be wasted on all of you, I'm going to give each of you simple tasks that must be done by the mid-day briefing, in the meantime I'm getting back to their feet all the homunculi"
Proclaimed the teen tossing to Saber, Tohsaka and me a piece of paper.

"Briefing? A briefing about what?"
Asked Illiya coldly.

"...Saber"
Sighed Hikigaya nodding towards the servant.
"You know the answer"

The temperature in the room fell, almost as if an arctic wind had started to blow. Saber had stopped to eat and the chop-sticks in her hand exploded into a cloud of shards.

"It's about yesterday's fight... even though we were in numeric superiority, Assassin outmatched us"

"And that's not all, Sieg could have killed all of us, even in half-crazed and totally tired state, I could barely keep up with him, sure I was weakened and unprepared, but if he had spent 10 seconds actively trying to kill you Emiya, or you Tohsaka or you Einzbern we wouldn't have won. He played with us and since I'll need time to recover I seriously doubt even the four of us acting together will have a chance against him. Therefore a briefing to decide your next steps is not an option, it's a must."
Explained the teen making a dark atmosphere cover the whole dining table.

"Why do you even suppose, we will get along with your schemes?"
Asked Rin without making eye contact.
"Why do you even think we would agree on an alliance?"

"... I never mentioned an alliance, nor want any of you within five miles from here, but I'd rather not have your deaths on my conscience and right now I'm the only one that knows how to deal with those two... also I have a gun"
Nodded Hikigaya taking out from nowhere a black piece of metal.

We all froze, and before even a servant such as Saber could react, he filled the ceiling with bullets.

*Crack

A part of the roof fell into pieces and with it, the asshole servant, Archer, crashed on to the floor.

"Cool now that we're all here, you can start working! Here's your list Chocolate guy, I know you can do it, ask help to the big guy out there"
Smiled Hikigaya dragging away the two remaining homunculi While Archer could only ask:
"What the fuck happened"

"Oh... my first task is to fix the roof"
Commented Rin looking at her list.

---

(Read out loud please)
Dear Emiya.

For today your list consists of NOT DOING FUCKING ANYTHING! No encounters, no weird stuff and nothing that could compromise the outing with Matou in the afternoon, I don't want another can of problems getting spilled while I'm here.
So you're to accompany Saber in her tasks...

(okay now keep this to yourself)
Bond with Saber, she is your servant, you have to know her, true name and all. Figure her strengths and weaknesses, explore the city she must get the layout, the tasks I gave her should already help this aspect but still...
By the end of the week she must be willing to die for you! (And don't go over moralist with me now)

In any case, see this whole thing as a date or something, for you Raijuus this should be your comfort zone.

Side project- buy a knife and periodically cut yourself, chronometer how much time does it take to heal in base to the distance between you and Saber.

---

"So we're to complete my tasks together"
Asked Saber as we made our way towards the city.

"Apparently"
I smiled trying to forget about the whole "willing to die" part.

Saber was wearing what remained of the burned military coat she used yesterday while I was wearing one of my many training hoodies.

"What's on your list?"
I asked moving closer to her side.

"Nothing too complex I believe: my first task is to buy scratch and win tickets"

"Uh... okay"
I nodded a bit puzzled, but I mean it was by far the least strange thing I had to do since this morning soo it was fine.

(10 minutes later)

"Saber..."

"Yes Shiro..."

"WE'RE RICH!"
I cried after Saber managed to win the maximum prize of the three tickets we bought.

It was crazy like a chance in a billion!

"It must be my luck"
Commented Saber as I cashed one of the tickets.
Geez, I had never seen so much money all at once.

A weird sense of elation made my body shiver, I know it was just a superficial kind of happiness, but come on who wouldn't be excited?

"Me if knew why the fuck Hikigaya needs all this money"
I thought coming back from dream-land.

"...God this is going to be a mess isn't it"
I muttered staring at Saber cute figure.
"What's next on the list"

"Hmmm, "Saber get something to wear, something that doesn't make you look like a yellow punch in the eye, or other shit, search for something comfy and practical, ask Emiya for help and since we can't have people staring at you the whole time hold Emiya's hand, it must seem you two are a couple, so act lovely dovely and shit.
Try to learn more about carrot-kun" or so he says"
Said Saber blushing a little.

"C-carrot?"
I replied while a tiny blood-vessel burst in my head.

CARROT! WHO THE FUCK HAD DARED TO CALL ME CARROT!

I was ginger for GOD SAKE there was a major difference!

"Calm down Shiro, calm down, it's not the case to get worked up over something like this"
I sighed before I noticed a tiny hand in my sight.
"Uh Saber?"

"Hand-holding, it seems to be a fundamental part of my disguise standing to the letter, so here hold my hand Shirou"
Proclaimed the blonde girl with a solemn face...even though I could see a faint trace of red tinge on her cheeks.

She was trying pretty hard, wasn't she? I could hardly make-believe a girl with such a thin frame could be such a powerful fighter. However I could feel it in the rough hand I was holding, she wasn't a damsel in distress, she was a warrior that had swung a sword for more than 10000 times.
Awkwardly holding our hands we walked across the shopping street of Fuyuky and reached a clothes shop Sakura praised one time. It was a pretty girly place, the kind of shop that expose a banner that says "Clothes for men and women", but that in reality only offers 2 types socks, and 3 models of t-shirt in the men section. Luckily today was for Saber so it wasn't really a problem, or to better phrase... the lack of choice wasn't the problem.. the excess was.

"Saber ...what's the difference between these two?"

"I don't know, the clerk has been going on for 30 minutes, and to my eyes, all the coats were the same."

"Good I thought it was only me, I hate to kill her joy, but we don't have all day"

"Agreed, I also must buy other clothes; standing to my list I need to still buy several t-shirts, pants, and undergarments"

"Wait under-what?"
I gasped as a sudden article got added to the shopping list.

"HERE IS THE BEST ARTICLE OF THE COLLECTION! A white coat with a shirt and a blue skirt coordinated it would look totally amazing on you lady"
Out of nowhere the clerk lady that had been serving us for the past 30 minutes arrived flustered.

Her violetish hair danced in the air as she rushed close to Saber with the nth article she wanted her to try on. The clerk was astonishingly beautiful like some kind of top model, however, the way she started to droll after making Saber try some outfits, was pretty gross, not the Hikigaya level of gross of course, but still.

Honestly, I could understand from where she came from: Saber was fucking adorable, but as said before I had bigger concerns now, or at least that's what I thought before imagining the last outfit on Saber.

"I'm sorry miss but I think, I might look at other shops no-"

"Wait Saber miss ehm D- Deame, took all this trouble why don't you try on just this last outfit"
I proposed trying to appear as casual as possible.

"If you say so"
Responded Saber going into the changing room.

Out of complete instinct, the clerk and I slammed our hand together and shook them as if we were two old friends. No words were needed people that shared the same goal could understand each other through their hearts.
And ours were currently screaming "OMG she is so cute!"

"S-shiro how do I look?"
Saber asked bashfully coming out from the changing room.

My heart skipped a bit and before I knew it I was gasping two words.
"Looks amazing
On you I mean you look beautiful so, you know, ehm we should buy it"
I muttered trying to look away, but my eyes were like glued on her.

"Then that's settle it, UH! Miss clerk!"
Saber said pointing at the woman beside me.

"AH!"

She had collapsed... and was currently drolling on the floor.

---

After the... incident Saber and I paid and left the shop behind continuing our list of purchases, actually I have to say I indulged a bit to leave because I saw Kuzuki-sensei going to assist the clerk that had collapsed, for the first time in my life I grasped the sight of the stern man express... emotions, concern, in particular.

"Maybe he knew her, oh well not my business"
I thought walking through the commercial district.

Following Hikigaya's directions I bought a tiny knife and periodically softly cut myself, I discovered that the healing process was pretty quick, that the closer I was to Saber the sooner I healed and that if I was in direct contact with her I couldn't even bleed, the cut held so fast not even a drop of blood could come out from my finger.

"Uh neat"
I smiled while Saber had stopped in front of the nth McDonald.

Why was she so attracted by junk foods!? I could cook much better and healtier burgers!
"Saber I think we should get going"
I said slightly pulling her hand.

"Oh sorry I was spacing out"
"Don't worry... Actually do you want a snak or something? We don't have much more tasks left so we can take a short break"
"Really!"
"No burgers though"
"What? Why not!"
"Because there are much tastier and healtier options"
"But Shiro"
"No buts, look there's a crepes stall there and a red bean bun one the next block,I bet you'll find them much better"

Eventually we got burgers. I just couldn't resist Saber's eyes, face... basically anything, my spine just disappeared as soon as she made a request, I just wanted to make her happy... Oh shit was I crushing on her?
Nah... uh... nope com'on I have known her for a day at best it's just that I was weak to her cuteness, but now no more.
I was going to steel myself and avoid any other troublesome situations.

And donkeys can fly.

"Shiro here is the next shop"

"Mm Saber this is a lingerie shop"
I mumbled peaking at the maiquines exposed.

"Hachiman directions told me to buy underwear"
"Yeah"
"And you have to accompany me"
"Yeah, I mean what?"
"He specifically wrote "NEVER AND I MEAN NEVER LEAVE EMIYA ALONE FOR MORE THAN 5 MINUTES" Besides I never bought something like this befofe I don't know if I can do it in the right way"
"I don't think there's anything like a good or a bad way to buy underwear"
"My servants used to say, it was silk or nothing, but I don't think I'm able to distinguish fabrirc"
"I don't I'm able eighter, also..."

Who are you exactly?

For some reason I could word that last sentence, I wasn't sure if I wanted to know Saber's identity. When I was younger I had always wondered about who was Kiritsugu before I met him, I asked him many times only obtaining half-answers and a warning "The day a threat bigger than you can handle comes to use my bullets", those same bullets that managed to injure Lancer. I had always thought Kiritsugu was strong... dangerous and now that I've had a confirmation I wasn't sure I wanted to know everything about the man that was Kiritsugu Emiya.

"Maybe some questions are better left unanswered"
I thought as Saber pulled me inside the shop.

Then things got awkward, not for the shopping part, luckily I convinced Saber she could buy everything by herself, however, a few other customers commented the muscular and scarred back of my servant, I didn't feel it was a big deal, but then I saw Saber twitch. It wasn't something great, just an easily overlookable moment of uneasiness, but to me that felt like an outrageous offence so I put together everything Fujinee had taught me and screamed.
"OH MY GOD DID SHE STAIN THOSE!?"
Pointing at the girl that badmouthed Saber first.

She was a Japanese woman in her early twenties, and despite her dignified posture she couldn't help but lose her attitude and get flustered by my words as she had become the focal point of the entire shop.

"And with this I call a day"
I proclaimed grabbing Saber and dashing towards the counter.

---

As we got out from the shop I kept running dragging Saber along and before I even knew I was laughing, bubbled of hilarity kept surfacing from deep inside me and I couldn't stop even after Saber asked.

"Why are you laughinnnnggg!?"

"Ah ha ahah, okay I guess we're far enough"
I said trying to catch my breath while Saber was completely unfazed.

"Shiro why did you.. why did you speak to that woman in that way?"
Asked my servant raising an eyebrow.

"She made fun of you"

"That's the reason, chill bruh...ah...ah I mean do not worry Shiro I'm well aware that my body is not the one a man would desire I wasn't offended by her words"

"Really?"
I asked raising an eyebrow.

"Really"

"Really, really?"
I said once more.

"...really"

"Okay but I'm going to do it again if something similar happens again"
I stated crossing my arms.

"Shiro no it's not necessary, why are you even so bothered by a thing that didn't offend me... much?"

"Why I wouldn't be?"

"What?"
Said my servant wavering a little.

"How can I not be bothered if someone badmouths you?"
I asked tilting my head.

"But I'm fine with it why all of you can't accept it?"
She lost her gaze far beyond me.

"eh how can I say?"
I scratched my chin trying to word my thought in the most cautious way possible.
" let's keep it in general ehm if people cause you trouble, or make you suffer... there are people that suffer too, and even though they know you are strong... even though they know you can take it, they just don't want to see you hurt in any way"
I said biting my tongue as I saw Saber's face slowly disappearing behind an expressionless mask.

I tripped in a mine-field didn't I?

---

We concluded the rest of our chores silently and returned home not much later carrying with us the new clothes, a brand new PC and 20.000 popsicles Hikigaya had us to buy for unknown reasons.

The mood between me and Saber was tense, no actually I was tense and Saber was in a state of total apathy.

"We're back"
I said opening the door and leaving the purses behind and heading to the living room.

There I found Rin kneeled over the pavement drawing a magic circle with red painting.
"Hey welcome back"
She said taking a pause.

"How you doing Tohsaka? Hikigaya sure put you up for good uh?"
I greeted looking at the massive magic circle.
"What, did he ask reinforce the house's defences?"

"No he doesn't trust me especially for something like that, and for what it matters not even you should"

She giggled brushing her cheek with the back of her hand.

"Well that's unfortunate"
I handed her a napkin to clean herself.
"Because I trust you"

"WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSE TO MEAN!"
"That you're still dirty of paint-thingy on your face"
"Not the napkin, wait really?"
"Yes there, no go a bit higher okay cool"
"Thanks... so what about this you trust me thing"

I could feel a warm sense of awkwardness spreading through all the room as a flash of red run across Rin's face.
Oh... that was going to escalate quickly, I was pretty sure that in no time Tohsaka would have gone all commando and tried to attack me.

"Well I mean... you know, you look like...look I mean, are! A reliable person and I don't think you would use underhanded ways to attack someone...or something along those lines"
I muttered ready to dodge any incoming object, but with my surprise, nothing came.

Rin just sighed.

"You truly are a blockhead"

And returned to work.

Eventually, I joined her side to watch her draw, and after the silence increased the awkwardness of the situation another terrible discussion started.
"So what happened with Saber, she looked weird"

"I don't know we went to a shop and [...] that's the story"

"You screamed that ahahahahah!"
"Ah ah ah yes I'm an idiot, please help me I don't know what to do"
I bowed my head trying to remain proud and stern, however, I was really desperate inside.

The fact Saber had gone silent shocked me from my very core, I thought I still had to understand how to deal with angry girl sure, but dear God the silent treatment was 10000 times worse. I needed answers!

"Puahaha you really can't get a clue"
"Not helping Tohsaka"
"Relax anything that's bothering her is beyond you right now, I think you did nothing wrong though and did something good, still I can't believe you had a side like that ahaha"
"I'm not sure I feel better"
"Then help me instead, so you are too busy to sulk"
Said Rin handing me a brush.

"Well manual work never failed me"

I accepted her brush with a sigh and started to follow her directions. Apparently her job was to create a projection field, basically, a hologram from any sci-fi movie, since projection was one of the two thaumaturgy I knew I quickly grasped what I had to do.

In silence we painted symbols and added several kinds of powders in the magical circle to enchant its properties, then at one point Rin's elbow softly hit me by mistake and on a whim, I decided to pay her back in the same way and we started exchanging jabs... things degenerated fast.

In a couple of seconds, we were messing with the painting on each other's faces and for some reason, Tohsaka started laughing her ass off, a quick check on a window and I discovered a pair brush moustaches had appeared on my face... so yeah I looked like a colour corrected Hitler.

"Einz, Zwei"
I shouted rising an a particular position my right arm and making display of my whole knowledge of the German language.

To be honest, my intent wasn't of being funny, but keep Rin busy before she realized that the points and the lines on her face could look like... a junk if seen from the wrong angle.

"What the fuck!"
But of course, I couldn't have an embarrassing moment that wasn't witnessed by the wrong person.
"1, Red and the Third Reich don't mix well together especially in winter like we are, 2 Tohsaka why you have a... nevermind. WHY THE HELL ARE YOU SLAKING OFF!"
Namely Hikigaya Hachiman, that luckily got my "CUT CUT CUTTTTTT" signal before angering Tohsaka.

"Hikigaya weren't you in the shower!?"
Asked Rin looking at the teen dressed as a police officer?

"Nah I got out by the window with Liz and looted Sieg's car or at least what remained of it, the bathroom was to make you think I was still inside the house after sewing up Sella"
Said the teen putting down a pretty suspicious set of suitcases.

Suddenly another monotoned voice joined us and Leizritt appeared beside Hikigaya with another set of suitcases and a black wig.
"Hachiman where do I... put these"

"Toss them in my room all that stuff is broken but the pieces can come handy"

"Fine"

"... Before anyone speaks yeah she looks like she just got out from a porn"
Sighed Hikigaya voicing my thought as I watched Officer Liz walk away in a tight uniform.

"...why..."
I asked trying not to get distracted by Liz...bottom.

"It will be faster to show you"

---

"BREAKING NEWS! Today an unknown couple of criminals managed to break into an area reserved for investigations of the local police force. Yesterday night two vehicles in the outer part of Fuyuki exploded giving start to several fires in the woods, the cars are yet to be identified, however, the authorities suspect the local Yakuza is involved, here the footing of the incident"

"Here we can observe the female accomplish trying to persuade the local police force to let her take away several suspicious suitcases"

"Hey what are you doing with all that stuff? It was supposed to go in the CSI van"

"No...mmm I was told to.. put them in the...car"

"Car? Which car officer?"

"Ehm"

"You're new right, I would remember an ass like yours"

*SBBAAAAMMMM

"Then we can see the male accomplish quickly knock out the officer with what seems to be... a frying pan"

"One job, one job, woman. Do not attract attention, why would you even pass in front of any man with that outfit, let's go before putting the boss in trouble"

"Boss... do we have a boss?"

"Yeah... yeah we do, let's just hope NONE is recording this scene"

"You're still... paying me right?"

"Sure sure you'll have my topless photos, but really why would you even want them?"

"Research..."

"Whatever floats your boat"

"The authorities noticed the criminals soon after"

"Stop them!"

"Uh AH! Start the car! Start the car GIRL!"

*VRRROOOMMMMMM

"It's likely that the criminals have been partners for a while and have experience in the environment of illegal drift racing. In fact, we can see the criminal woman drive a stolen police car precisely around all the other vehicles of the authorities, while the other accomplish dived in the car through the passenger's seat window. A manoeuvre only seen in movies thus far."
"Eventually the police started to chase the criminals but they revealed to be armed"

"You'll never have me alive corporate slaves!"

"Holy shit they have a minigun!"

*THRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

"HE GOT THE TREES! HE GOT THE TREES STOP!"

*CRACK!

"Using a high caliber submachine gun, the criminals blocked the police making several trees fall on the road, the chase continued through helicopter but when the criminals reached Fuyuki sky-loop road they managed to... well... send the footage"

"Is he going to jump?"
"No there's no way he'd try something like that we're too high"
"He is jumping"
"What!"
"He got a cabled hook"

*Ting!

"Hello fellas mind switching off the camera"

"Wait there's more footage?"

"Do not transmit"
*sbam

"stuff"
*sbam

"that's not"
*sbam

"family-friendly"
*sbam

"on this"
*sbam

"Channel"
*sbam

"He's just bashing the cameraman against the camera... we're on air? Fuc-"

---

"You're paying Liz with topless photos"
I asked.

"Yup"

"THAT'S SERIOUSLY WHAT YOU WANT TO POINT OUT!"
Cried Rin pointing at the television we just switched off.

"...Ehm, yes? It's the only part I can't explain"
I replied cocking my eyebrow.

"They fought the police"

"Which is relatively more safe than engaging a servant"

Looking the situation from an objective point of view I'd feel much more relaxed being chased by the police rather than Lancer.

"...They took Sieg and Assassin's stuff, we have a target on our back now"

"I'm pretty sure we all had the moment the command seals appeared on our hands"

"Why a can't you see the problem"

"Which problem! Right now there are too many one more one less won't make a difference!"

"Stop using logic and tell me I'm right!"

"Okay you're right the situation is even messier than before, but if Hikigaya paranoid ass took this risk than there must be some kind of payoff!"
I screamed while my and Rin's cheeks reddened.

"Uhg... I'm... Eh I guess I'll leave the two of you alone, you know to check on the servants and stuff"
Whispered Hikigaya slowly leaving the room.

For a moment only silence remained between me and Rin.
"I don't think you have realized yet Emiya-kun, but the holy grail war is a poker match... with your life as a minimum wage"

"I realize that well Tohsaka, maybe even more than you do, I'm ready to bet my life, the true question is, are you?"
I asked while the image of a young boy that had just lost his world in a fire ran in my mind.

It was almost funny, a thing is defined broken if it can't accomplish its role anymore, but it can be recycled if it's given a new purpose, however, a broken thing remain trash and in the end... it doesn't matter if you break it, even more, to give it a new purpose.

"...I"

Rin gasped as her face got reflected in my empty eyes.

"I'm..."

"WHO'S READY FOR A BRIEFING!"
The door got suddenly open.

---

Before Rin was able to articulate a response for my question Illiya burst out from the door and using this diversion the twin-tailed magus escaped from our conversation.

I was thinking about cornering her once again to ask the same question, but Rin was too smart to fall in the same trap twice, so I could just acknowledge that and shut up... for now.

"Okay I'm gonna say it only once so keep you ears open"
Began Hikigaya litting on fire several herbs in a jar.

Sweet fumes spread all over the room and with each breath, I felt my head get lighter. Was he drugging us?
Well, it didn't matter.

"Saber, Archer, and Einzbern acting as Berserker proxy have to knee in the center of the magic circle.
Listen to my voice, and my voice only, now breath"

Invisible colors danced before me.

"Breath"

The sound of a bel resounded in the distance.

"Breath"

The magic circle started to glow.

"Breath"

Then there was only nothingness, only a fuzzy white uncomprehensible landscape.

"Good now, all of you empty your minds, focus only on the beating of your heath and Illiya...I want you to remember what happened yesterday night"

A whirlpool of colors appeared out of nowhere, slowly forming the view of a mountain street and the insides of a car.
Then everything happened so fast, the car stopped abruptly a voice screamed "enemies" and all I knew next was that there was fire everywhere.

"Illiya focus, your mind is getting overcome, control your emotions show us Sieg and Assassin"

The chaos quieted down, time moved back until the two figures of Sieg and Assassin were clear before my eyes.
The fight Illiya experienced poured right through my brain letting me the astonishing threat Sieg posed, his moves looked far sharper than when I fought him and his mind much more lethal.
Even when cornered he managed to possess Illiya's familiars and obtain time to regroup with Assassin, he ruthlessly turned the whole road in a sea of flames just to increase his chances to win, smashed Assassin's face when he was looking like Sella to destabilize Illiya, and almost killed her releasing a terrifying blast of energy.

More than ever I was realizing how dangerous he was, and how lucky I was to have encountered him in a debilitated state... his thought made my bones shiver as much as the thought of Lancer.

"Switch to Berserker, let us see what he saw"
Spoke Hikigaya letting another observer take the lead.

The color palette abruptly changed, everything just becomes crimson and black; Berserker's mind was surely a wild place where logic stopped to exist and only rage remained.
The only figure that stood out in that confusion was a man completely made out of darkness.

He was a bug, nothing more than a bug, but the mad warrior couldn't crush him. No matter how close he got to the bug always escaped him and bit back, using weird weapons and tricks the bug adapted to fight Berserker faster than anyone would believe. The mad warrior was holding back since fighting to his full potential against the bug would have endangered his own Master. Yet the mad warrior had a doubt, an unsettling...fear? Could be it even called that? An undefinable feeling...

Assassin, that bug, was a creature that had always fought while being the weakest, but somehow he had become a hero, something wasn't right. More brutal Berserker's attacks got more refined Assassin's movements became.

Assassin could turn strengths into weaknesses, concepts such as fate and causality weren't applicable to him, he existed o his own in a different reality...no wait he wasn't alone.

Suddenly, a blue blade appeared in his hand and behind him a long-haired woman of the same color. With her at his side Assassin attacked Berserker with even more power dancing through devastating blows and fierce slashes until the mad servant was on his knees.

"What the fuck was that"
I said completely overwhelmed by Assassin's presence.

Immediately after the scenario swapped with... a porn I had seen a few weeks ago.

"Goddamit Emiya, which part of empty your minds was not clear! This spell is sensible if you say "fuck" your memory will mess up the hologram"
Cried Hikigaya while a blonde woman with twin tails also cried in the background.

Then a fist reached my nose.
"Soft reboot time"

"UGHHH!"
I groaned holding my face.

The illusion had disappeared, still the magic circle kept glowing and the sweet mist remained in the room.

Thanks to the spectral magic I could see the silhouettes of Hikigaya, Rin, Illya, the maids and, the two servants, but they looked so confused... dammit, my head was still light and my ability to focus remained pretty limited.

"Phase two, everybody step closer to Saber and Archer and make a circle with your hands.
Now they will both use their memories to remember the fight with Assassin, however, they moved too much across the city so our minds will be needed to stabilize the scenario. Now breathe and focus on Fuyuki."

---

"Ah?"

"Hey Emiya don't faint now, I need your brain"

"...What?"

"Oh great, all the geographical thinking is on him. Focus people!"

"Hikigaya?"

"Keep focusing he is returning conscious and here he is. Hello beautiful"
Said the death eyed teen holding my head in his hands.

"What are you doing?"
I asked as our faces were terribly close.

"I'm not sure, I don't quite remember the pressure points I should press in this situation, what's the last thing you remember?"

"You saying to focus on Fuyuki"
I said realizing I was lying on asphalt?

I mean the floor sure looked like asphalt but it felt more like a carpet.

"Where am I?"
I asked as my lips felt unnaturally dry.

"Yesterday's Fuyuki, or at least an illusion of it"

"I see, why did I pass out?"

"Apparently you were the only one with enough knowledge of Fuyuki, no that's not right ehm... there was a pretty serious gap in the informations you possessed about the city and the ones the others had. They just have memorized the general layout of the city, you... well it's more like you knew the blueprints. The spell desire precision so it forced all its attention on you, your brain simply couldn't keep up with the effort."

"Where are the others?"
I stood up searching around with my stare just to find Masters and maids around a smartphone.

"There using google street view, they need to balance your brain. But now that you're up we can go on, we don't have all day. Okay Saber, Archer, take us to the lake"
Said Hikigaya making sign to form again a circle with everybody.

Soon enough the world around me began to spin, taking me back to the moment when Hikigaya used Saber as a trampoline, then Assassin's bullets started to fly and the same scene I lived a few hours ago played again.

---

Assassin appeared out of nowhere after having put me, Rin, Archer, and Saber in disarray. He immediately went to place the fake bomb watch on Rin and then headed for Saber's throat, since I was in the way, she couldn't use her blade properly so I tried to stop Assassin putting my self on the line with Hikigaya's dark knife. Oddly enough I managed to parry a few hits from the servant's pink sword but then I got kicked aside.

"Ugh I reminded that part a lot slower"
I thought watching a scene I didn't get to see as I was blinded by pain at the time.

Quickly recovering from the confusion Saber swung her invisible sword, pushing Assasin on the defensive. Having no idea of the length of the blade, the black servant leaped backward with a backflip and thrust his sword against Archer, summoning his twin swords, Archer blocked the attack with a crossguard and pushed Assassin away, however, the servant while still in mid-air let lose the grip on his weapon and kicked its pommel with all his might sending the pink blade against Archer's throat.
The tanned servant twisted his neck and wasn't wounded by that sneak move, however, I would have sworn the blade had touched him at one point.

"Sorry, do we have slow motion?"
I asked unable to shake off a doubt.

"Emiya what kind of question is that? Of course, we have slow motion"
Replied Hikigaya sending back the last scene.

"Look at the blade, it passed through Archer's skin"

"Yeah it stuck me too, Tohsaka focus on the memories of this moment"

"Why? Isn't Saber memory working to recreate this scene"
Rin asked looking at Hikigaya and me with an irritated look.

"Our brains are all working together to have a more complete recollection of yesterday's fight, Saber and Archer provide the main feed, but our memories are important as well, Emiya had his eyes closed at the time, so maybe your fear of Archer getting hurt is modifying what you remember"
Explained the dark-haired teen.

"Do you think I was scared?"
She cocked an eyebrow

"That's how close death experiences work, even I would be scared"

"Fine, you win Hikigaya, let me focus"
Sighed Rin closing squeezing her eyes.
"Any changes?"

"No, same scene"
I replied confused.

Something didn't feel right, I had to watch this part again... or at least that's what I wanted to do, but Illya butted in forcing the recollection to go on.
"Let's move forward, there's no point in stopping here, an error can occur if it happens twice then we can worry"

Giving up on her fair argument, we kept watching the fight, looking how Assassin danced through Archer and Saber's slashes, he followed a weird pattern, continuously moving back and forth between his two opponents until Saber lost her patience and released a wind blast that sent him, Rin, me and Archer flying.

"Smart"
Gasped Hikigaya setting his dead stare on Assassin.
"Assassin measured the length of Saber invisible sword, rising dust off the ground while he was on the defensive, then faked an opening to try out Saber's power when she still had to hold back"

"... so that's how an assassin fight"
Muttered Sella seemingly hypnotized by the dark servant landing unarmed after confronting two heroic spirits.

"Ah, I'm sorry but you have already lost"
Chuckled Assassin while his pink sword flew back to him.
"KILLER QUEEN HAS ALREADY TOUCHED THAT WATCH"
He cried pointing at Rin leaving every listener confused.
"...I mean that watch it's a bomb and it will blow up her arm unless she runs 10000 in five minutes... or you two my dear colleagues stop me first"
He clarified before escaping towards the other side of the lake.

Oh, I remembered that part... and also... was it me or the Tohsaka bomb pairing was becoming a running gag recently.

As Archer and Saber chased after Assassin the effort I and the others had to go through to maintain the simulation grew more and more, we didn't have direct memories to work with, just our focus capacity, that had to keep up with servants speed as they passed in front of Hikigaya and Sieg. We got a moment of peace as Assassin blocked Saber's sight with his bullets before hitting her in the face, but then again our heads exploded following the servants as they reached the heart of the city along with Berserker.

---

"Okay things are going to get messier"
Preannounced Hikigaya while the lights of the city appeared uneven and confused.

Probably all of us had visited those areas of Fuyuki in different periods, so our minds had difficulty synchronizing with each other. The mental image we had was different so elements that I, Rin, Illiya and the maids experienced differently were glitchy, like the advertising signs for example, or the parked cars and so on.

I observed with outmost curiosity Assassin escape across my city, effortlessly dodging Archer's arrows, chunking down a not better specified canned drink and getting faster with each sip.

"...is that some kind of potion"
I thought as the servants arrived in the construction site of a new skyscraper.

There their battle began once more.
Assassin dashed right inside the unfinished building bouncing on concrete columns and, iron bars with the grace of a butterfly while Berserker chased him destroying everything in his way. Saber and Archer stopped outside the building aware that Berserker mad rush would have got them too if they tried to get closer.

"Can you hit him?"
Asked Saber as Archer draws his bow.

"I'm not sure he seems to have some kind of dodging skill, none of my arrows hit the target"

"Maybe you're just not as skilled as you thought"

"Don't sass me, Saber, it won't help us underestimating him"
Growled Archer stopping to aim.
"He's far more dangerous than you think."

"Is he a personal acquaintance of yours"

"No... but he is handling Berserker on his own so... that marks him as dangerous in my book"

"What?"
Gasped Saber focusing on the top of the building.

Berserker had just broken through the uncompleted roof following Assassin's black figure, they alone appeared in the night sky.
"GHRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
Cried the mad servant swinging Nine lives.

Wait how did I know that was the blade's name.

The stone ax-sword traced a red arc in the night, however, Assassin avoided it and rolled on the flat side of the weapon reaching Berserker's arm. I could barely believe my eyes as the tiny figure of the man used Berserker's momentum and threw him against the rooftop.

And apparently my reaction was shared by both servants.

"Holy"

"...shit"
Saber felt her grip weaken a little on her sword as Assassassin landed a powerful kick on Berserker's chin.

The rooftop broke down and the two servants began to fall in the void, Berserker tried to block Assassin in his hand, however, the servant had already bounced off the colossal warrior. Using falling debris as stepping stones Assassin started a mad slashing dance in mid-air cutting Berserker and several fundamental points of the building.

Everything started to collapse burying Berserker under tons of iron and concrete, a thing that usually would have kept the mad servant busy for... five minutes? Maybe less. However, as a final blow Assassin released his noble phantasm.

"Bound together what's unreachable"
[CONNECTION]
YUI

The pink blade of Assassin's sword shattered in thousands of sakura petals molding together debris and Berserker's flesh without distinction, completely blocking the massive warrior.

Everyone in the room was speechless and the three homunculi, well their jaws had pretty much hit the floor.
The only person that broke that peace was Hikigaya.
"Are you kidding this dude copied Bleach and Jojo this is pure bullshit"

Of course, everybody ignored him as Archer and Saber had started to engage Assassin. At this point, his sword was just a handle and a guard so he tossed it aside and jumped away from Saber's attack a moment before it was too late.

"Ah, can you please avoid to assault an armless and defenseless servant for five minutes?"
Asked Assassin moving straight into Archer kill zone.

The tanned servant slashed madly with his twin swords trying to get Assassin, however, he managed to avoid all blows. It was like he could predict what was going to happen next, no beyond that, he wasn't even focusing on Archer.

Assassin's body reacted out of reflex to Archer's attack while his mind was focused on using his pistol to assault Saber. Black bullets kept bouncing on her armor and invisible sword, to me they looked all like pointless attempts to avoid my servant joined the melee, however as the projectiles started to ricochet all over the place even reaching Saber's back my opinion changed.

To avoid being hit in a blind spot Saber rose sword in the air, facing the flat side and generated a cage of wind eliminating all the bullets flying around.

Assassin's eyes widened.
"Bitch"
He muttered extending his hand in the emptiness.

Connection, the pink sword he had discarded less than ten minutes prior suddenly dashed towards Assassin at crazy speed. Still, everyone noticed that more than a sword the weapon looked like a dagger: the length of the blade was probably twenty percent or less than its original size, and it was virtually useless against other blades.

"Yet Archer knew better than judge a weapon from its size, for he empathized with said weapon...with all the double senses"
I mumbled

"I heard you, carrot"
Replied the tanned servant.

"I'm ginger for Christ sake"

"Vanilla, Chocolate, shut up daddy's watching the match"
Commented Hikigaya watching Archer smash away from Assassin's grasp the pink dagger.

Archer grinned seeing the weapon again beyond the reach of his opponent, however, do did Assassin...with a horrible smile he looked at his weapon being sucked inside Saber wind barrier.
"Come!"
Putting a lot of mana in his voice, Assassin called again the dagger.

The pink blade was still in the hands of Saber miniature storm, but as he summoned it back the dagger changed his trajectory enough to trace a thin red line on Saber's face.

"DAAHHH!"
With a war cry, Saber used her wind to shoot beyond the horizon Assassin's weapon.

Then she charged the black servant lounging in a long slash. What happened next was just pure madness, Assassin found himself in the middle of two angry servants armed with swords and began a crazy dance to avoid all their attacks.

Saber and Archer released an incredible storm of slashes, thrusts and stabs leaving behind only faint glowing lines, yet no attack managed to hit the target, Assassin jumped, spun, crawled at an astonishing speed managing to keep up with the fury of the two servants, even baiting them to slightly harm one another.

Like a professional ice skater Assassin pirouetted between Saber's long sword and Archer twin blades avoiding the nth killer blow, at that point Saber exchanged a quick glare with Archer and made sign to fall back.

In an instant, Archer leaped a hundred meters back, while Saber took a long step back, Assassin had remained alone in the middle of her range.

"AIRSTRIKE!"

Without any strategy or graced my servant released for a second the true power of her sword.

Completely overwhelming her opponent.

A destructive wave of wind destroyed everything in sight and ripped into pieces Assassin's battle suit. The black servant crashed a building rising an insane amount of dust.

I couldn't see a thing and no matter how hard I tried, I wasn't able to understand what was going on... probably because nor Archer nor Saber could at the time. I just managed to see a blue flash, right before Berserker's scream tore apart the air.

"GGGAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Saber and Archer got distracted by the sudden noise, an error they immediately paid as Assassin slapped Archer before disappearing in the shadows again.

To increase the visibility Saber used once again her wind to clear up the area, but when the dust moved away only three servants remained Berserker, Saber, and Assassin.

"What the hell?"
Muttered Tohsaka as Archer's memories were still very present in the simulation, but the servant himself was not.

Without wasting time Berserker charged at Assassin, who wore an expression of complete confusion before giving heed to his survival senses and staring to escape.

Saber remained speechless for a moment as her whole body screamed something was wrong and in fact.
*BAM BAM

Two bullets come out from the darkness and injured her hand even if it was covered by a metallic glove.

"An illusion I should have expected that from an assassin"
Said Saber with a proud voice as Assassin came out from his hide.

I couldn't put my finger on it but he gave a completely different aura from before, sure the purple "III"s in his eyes had become "VII"s, but there was something in his expression that was far more unsettling, it was like a veil of playful madness had wrapped around the servant's face.

"Ara, ara in battle shoulds and should nots are always the first step to start regretting your own actions. Am I right Saber?"
Asked the servant moving from a shadow to another.
"Do you have regrets, young lady?"

"That's none of your business"

"So yes"

"Silence"

"Oh, my, my quite the temper you got Saber, I bet you made your friends go crazy back in the day... or wait, did you have friends?"

"..."

"Just as I thought, it's lonely at the top, isn't it?"

"STAY QUIET!"
Roared Saber channeling incredible amounts of mana inside her legs.

In a fraction of a second, she appeared in front of Assassin and brought down her invisible sword.

"Oh, I stuck a nerve, didn't I? Sorry, not sorry"
Giggled the man avoiding the attack while moving his gun in front of Saber's face.

*Bang

Twisting her neck to an insane degree my servant dodged the bullet and smacked Assassin away with her gauntlet. It was clear that Assassin was extremely tired as he barely managed to avoid Saber's slap broke any bones, his breathing was ragged, but his eyes were as sharp as a fine-honed blade.
He could win a battle of brawl so he was going with a battle of minds.

"Ku-uhuhahahahah! I see, no friends because none knew who you really were... a woman, dressed up as a knight, I doubt you got invited to after-work parties right"
Gouging out from his mouth blood and words Assassin kept provoking Saber.

Until she snapped and charged again at full speed, she summoned a tornado to power her charge ready to pour all her might in one blow a thing that, unfortunately...back-fired.

Disregarding any logic Assassin charged against the incoming Saber with a speed that was almost embarrassing for a servant, he looked like a mad man that had lost reason, My servant, however, felt no pity and thrust her invisible sword forward.

Time then slowed down... literally... Rin had activated the slow-motion. Assassin jumped back displaying an acceleration even superior to Saber's one and clapped his hands on the flat sides of the invisible blade. His weight shifted back letting his feet abandon the ground and kick with all their might the guard of the invisible sword.
Suddenly the change of momentum shot Saber in the air sending her to crash against a building.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHH"
With a war cry, Assassin dashed again against my servant bringing up a weird gun with a blue orb attached.

He shot two bullets made out of mana and Saber using only her instinct smacked them away with her blade, one flew up in the night sky, while the other returned straight against Assassin.

*TWIIINNNN

The bullet exploded in a cloud of blue particles, Saber, still stuck in the wall, rejoiced for a moment then Assassin burst or from the blue mist. He was wearing a black lab coat, two purple "V"s shone bright in his eyes and his white clad fist was going straight against Saber.

"GAH!"
Gasped Saber raising her metallic glove to stop the blow.

However, the fist just broke through the armor and crashed on her skin. Blood and metal flew everywhere as terrible sound of bones shattering resounded loud. Saber gritted her teeth and endured the pain swinging with her good hand the sword, unfortunately, the sword slash was far too broad an imprecise to be effective, Assassin dodged it and jumped up in the sky leaving a tiny white line behind.

To me, it looked like a complete waste of power, but then I noticed his goal wasn't to simply avoid Saber's attack but to reach the first mana bullet he shot.

And as this realization spread across the room all the presents could only mutter one thing.

"Son"
"...of"
"a..."
"..bitch"

In another stardust shower Assassin crashed against the blue bullet, and threw something at Saber, she immediately defended herself blocking the unidentified object with the flat side of her invisible sword and kept her eyes wide open. Too many times Assassin had exploited bullets or other throwing weapons to block her sight or make her close her eyes... and now she wasn't going to fall in the same trick never again.

A thing that revealed to be Saber's downfall, because what Assassin threw... was a flashbang.

*POWWW

A bright explosion carved its way in Saber's pupils completely blinding my servant, and then... nothing everything became black as Saber passed out. I could only hear the soft sound of a syringe injecting something inside Saber and undistinct mutter, a couple flashes of a pub and a few unrecognizable faces.

The only thing I knew was that after Saber got knocked out my mind spaced out until the simulation was over.

By the time I regained my focus I only heard Hikigaya speaking
"Well the briefing has ended. Assassin is a versatile fighter, he exploit the confidence you have in your stronger skills and turn them against you, never approach him in groups it will backfire unless your teamwork is perfect. He got something along seven different phantasms but he can use only one at the time and none of them seems very powerful, just avoid being stuck by that pink sword... it looks like it actives some kind of dodging skill, figure out the other phantasms by yourself. He posses two powerful allies Lancer and this Ruler... be careful to her she seems crazy strong.
And please... give up honor, if you want to defeat him overpower him with your Noble Phantasm. Now you can get the hell out of here, a yandere is coming and I don't want extra messes... Oh also here your photos Liz.

"Thanks...hey... they are... all in black and white..."

"Coloured ones are at the end"

"Oh..."

And after that only Saber, Hikigaya and I remained.

---

"So how much are we fucked?"
I asked sighing deeply.

"Right now?"
Retorted the dark haired teen falling on his butt.
"A lot"

"How bad is your leg? You have put up a strong front all the time but as soon as none was starring at you, you started limping"
"I'm surpirsed you noticed Emiya, and terrible, it takes me a conscious effort to walk properly, fighting a servant in this condition is out of question, also I think I'm going to use a cane"
"Wouldn't that give out your condition to everybody? You didn't want anyone to see your condition so they don't know you're vulnerable"
"Yeah but if I stuff the cane with explosive trickes and stuff they'll just think I'm poorly concealing a weapon"
"Sounds crazy... but in your usual style, however how are going to build this cane?"
"Don't worry about that, I have already done the preparations, Archer build a few of the parts I'm going to need along with the railgun in the backyard"
"Wait... he build a what?!"
"A railgun those things that use magnets to shoot bullets at crazy speed, I made him build the pieces with the stuff in your shed, enchant them and then I just assembled it when none was watching, the aiming program still needs to be coded, but that's not a big deal"
"WHY ARE YOU TALKING OF A MILITARY GRADE WEAPON IN THE BACKYARD AS IF IT WASN'T THAT BIG OF A DEAL!"
"Emiya we're literally against legends here, the concept of big deal is a bit corrupted, plus you were much more chill when we talked about the police, why a simple cannon bothers you that much?"
"None was messing with my stuff!"
"Okay fair point, but now we should focus on a more important situation.
"Right"
I said as both of us stared intensely at Saber.

Blocked between my golden eyes and Hikigaya dead ones, my servant gulped unconsciously checking the exists of the room. Her ahoge was upright and still as if it was reacting to Saber's stress.
"Your hand"
"Your mana"
"UH?"
"UH?"
Hikigaya and I called out two different problems.
Mmmh what was wrong with Saber's mana?

"Oi Emiya don't tell me you didn't notice?"
Hikigaya tilted his head.

"Noticed what?"

"Her energy genius, you aren't giving her any, she fought on her own a battle how long do you think she is gonna last without getting recharged!"

"Oh shit, I forgot! I was too busy thinking about her hand!"
I smashed my hands in my GINGER hair.

"What about her hand?"
Hikigaya rose an eyebrow.

"Assassin crushed her hands yesterday, with Saber enchanted healing, have you any idea how many scomposed fractures got put together in the wrong way"

"OH God! She can't hold her sword we are fucked fucked fucked!"

"WE'RE DOOMED!"

"STOP TALKING AS IF I'M NOT EVEN HERE!"
Shouted Saber interrupting the Hikigaya rolling on the floor in fethal position and me smashing my head on the closest wall.

"Ah right sorry Saber"
I apologized.

"Yeah sword-girl we're sorry, we were just caught in the heat of the moment"

"GHHH Yes! I'm currently sustaining myself only with personal prana and yes! My hands got injured but I'm going to recover soon, my body is already working"
Grunted Saber showing the greatest outburst of emotions since I met her.

It was a bad thing I felt kind of happy?

"And how long that will take?"
Asked Hikigaya regaining his cool.

"2 days at best three at worst, I can still fight, but using my NoblePhantasm would be difficult both in physical and energetic terms."

"So what do we do? Saber is powerful and dangerous for every servant I doubt a moment of weakness like this is going to pass unnoticed"
I sighed trying to remain as pragmatic as I can.

"We? We do nothing"
Replied Hikigaya standing up.
"You. You two need allies and most of all to figure out the mana issue before the situation is too dire."
And saying so he moved out.

"Hachiman are you running away?!"
Roared Saber looking at the teen.

"Yup, right now I'm as neutral as possible, I don't gain anything from this war. Right now the only thing I wanted was to make sure everyone understood taking me down is a lot of effort with little results, and have a couple of insurances. I'm only on my side if I'm giving you advice is because I'm living here. Ask my help when you have something to bargain"

Then the door slammed.

"Jackass"
I muttered.
"Can't blame him but still a jackass"

"Shiro, do you think it's safe to just let him go like that?"

"No idea, but in the end, he is a big softy. I don't know what he wants...but he is ready to bargain, so we just need to find something he desiress and he will help us"

"... I...I am sorry"
Suddenly said Saber bowing her head.
"For the behavior, I assumed this morning... it was unbecoming of me, and..."

Oh geez for how long had that thing bothered her.

"Saber stop"
I placed a hand on her shoulder.

"You don't need to talk about what bothered you unless you want to, I know I'm your master but we have been together just for a day, so don't feel obliged to explain"
I said trying to make my voice as deep as possible... I wasn't really sure why though.

"...Thank you"
She muttered avoiding eye-contact.

"However, I'm angry you didn't bring up the mana issue sooner"

The inclination of my voice suddenly got thug and my eyes started to focus five centimeters above Saber's head because let's be honest if I stared right in her face, my angry act would have crumbled pretty fast.
"Have you anything to say on this matter?"

"I... I'm sorry"

"Good, now how do we solve this matter?"

"Servants sustain themselves using the prana granted them by their Master, however, I'm aware that consuming the life force of a human being is also an option..."

"With consuming you mean..."

"Yes killing, devouring their life force until only an empty husk remains"

"...I'd rule out this option"

"Gland we are on the same page"

"However now we are back to the start... can you consume animals instead of humans?"
I asked.

"...I'm not sure... I never tried, nor imagined to have to, but I think it might require a lot of them to equal the energy of a single human soul."

"...Well plan C it is then"
I proclaimed going to grab my PC.

"What are you planning"
Asked Saber twisting lightly her head.

"Bargain"

---

Stereo: ON
Microphone: ON
Volume: Maxed
Youtube: Open.

"Okay Karaoke time"

Hikigaya tried to get attentions acting all mysterious, and keeping for himself precious info, well I wasn't going to dance with his tune. It wasn't going to be me the one begging for something!

"Shiro... what are we doing?"
Asked Saber the moment I placed a microphone in her hands.

"We're going to bargain peace and quiet for useful information"
I said while a malicious smile rose on my lips.

We were on the highway to hell and the challenge was about what broke first the glasses of my house or Hikigaya's will. Then there was this side part of me that wanted to see Saber sing in the clothes we just bought, but that's unrelated... partially unrelated. Okay, it was the main reason.

"Come on Saber tell me a title"
I put my hands on the keyboard.

"Shiro I'm not well acquainted with the music of this era, I know only meme songs, and I'd avoid to sing "Smoke The Weed""

"That would be quite an image"
I thought suppressing a laugh.
"Mmmm are you sure you don't have any idea at all?"
I asked not quite ready to reveal a tiny secret of mine.

Saber started to scratch her chin and look around, while her ahoge kept moving left and right.
"Killer queen?"
She then said putting on a serious expression.
"Hachiman told me it's some kind of power, but also a song."

"Ah yes it's a song of a pretty famous British rock-band, the Queen"
I responded searching a picture of the band on the internet.

"...They are called Queen?"
"Yes"
"Even though they are all men"
"...yes"
"And they come from England"
"Yes..."
"I love them"
"What?"
"Shiro let me try this song"

---

*Piano starts playing

She keeps her Moet et Chandon

In her pretty cabinet
"Let them eat cake", she says
Just like Marie Antoinette
A built-in remedy
For Khrushchev and Kennedy
At anytime an invitation
You can't decline

Caviar and cigarettes
Well versed in etiquette
Extraordinarily nice

She's a Killer Queen
Gunpowder, gelatine
Dynamite with a laser beam
Guaranteed to blow your mind
Anytime

Recommended at the price
Insatiable an appetite
Wanna try?

To avoid complications
She never kept the same address
In conversation
She spoke just like a baroness
Met a man from China
Went down to Geisha Minah
Then again incidentally
If you're that way inclined

Perfume came naturally from Paris (naturally)
For cars she couldn't care less
Fastidious and precise

She's a Killer Queen
Gunpowder, gelatine
Dynamite with a laser beam
Guaranteed to blow your mind
Anytime

Drop of a hat she's as willing as
Playful as a pussy cat
Then momentarily out of action
Temporarily out of gas
To absolutely drive you wild, wild
She's all out to get you

She's a Killer Queen
Gunpowder, gelatine
Dynamite with a laser beam
Guaranteed to blow your mind
Anytime

Recommended at the price
Insatiable an appetite
Wanna try?
You wanna try

---

"HOLY HELL THAT WAS GOOD!"
I cried the second she stopped singing.

The power of Saber's vocal cords was incredible. I was left with my jaw open by the time she reached the refrain.

"Really?"
She asked putting on an expression I had never seen on her face.

Saber truly looked like a girl of my age, I kept forgetting about that. Her stern stare and composed attitude always made her look far older.

"Yeah, I can guarantee you blow my mind"
I smiled, moving the mouse on another song.
"Wanna go another round?"
I asked since we had yet to lure the dragon out from his cave.

"...To be fair... I think you should go now...If I'm the only one that has to sing it's ... too embarassing"
Commented Saber while a slight line of red dyed her cheeks.

Eventually I got in a momentary cardiac arrest, however even in my oxigen deprived state I managed to grab the microphone and set my song.

Now I have to reveal a tiny detail, through the years I experimented a lot of stuff with my reinforcing magecraft, from powering up objects to even empower my muscles...a thing that made them snap, but I'm digressing. As I was saying I tried to reinforce a lot of stuff, including my voice and actually that was the only great success of my magical career. With proper preparation, I could imitate any voice I wanted.

The only problem was that now if I sang with all my voice, my larynx independently enchanted my vocal cords, making me sound like...

-You have chosen "Think" By Aretha Frankling-

A big black woman.

---

Think (think) think (think) think (think) think (think)
You think (think) think (think) think about it
You better think (think) think about what you're trying to do to me
Yeah, think (think, think), let your mind go, let yourself be free
Let's go back, let's go back, let's go way on back when
I didn't even know you, you couldn't have been too much more than ten
I ain't no psychiatrist, I ain't no doctor with a degree
It don't take too much high IQ's to see what you're doing to me
You better think (think) think about what you're trying to do to me
Yeah, think (think, think), let your mind go, let yourself be free
Oh freedom (freedom), freedom (freedom), freedom, yeah freedom
Freedom (freedom), freedom (freedom), freedom, oh freedom
Hey, think about it
You, think about it

"Emiya for Chirst sake I'm workin-
What the hell?"

There ain't nothing you could ask I could answer you but I won't (I won't)
I was gonna change, but I'm not, to keep doing things I don't
Hey think about what you're trying to do to me
Baby, think, let your mind go, let yourself be free
People walking around everyday, playing games that they can score
Trying to make other people lose their minds, be careful you don't lose yours
Yeah think (think) think about what you're trying to do to me
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah (think, think), let your mind go, let yourself be free

You need me (need me) and I need you (don't you know)
Without eachother there ain't nothing people can do
Yeah yeah, think about me (what you're trying to do to me)
'Till the fall of the night, think about it right now
Oh freedom (freedom), freedom (freedom), freedom, yeah freedom
Freedom (freedom), freedom (freedom), freedom, freedom
Hey, you, think about it
There ain't nothing you could ask I could answer you but I won't (I won't)
I was gonna change, but I'm not, if you keep doing things I don't
Yeah (think) think about what you're trying to do to me
Baby, think (think, think), let your mind go, let yourself be free
You need me (need me) and I need you (don't you know)
Without each other there ain't nothing people can do
Yeah yeah, think about me (what you're trying to do to me)
'Till the fall of the night, think about it baby
(Think about - ah me, think about - ah me, think about - ah me, think about it)
(Think about - ah me, think about - ah me, think about - ah me, think about it)
(Think about - ah me, think about - ah me, think about - ah me, think about it)
(Think about - ah me, think about - ah me, think about - ah me, think about it)
You had better stop and think before you think
Think!

---

As I started singing I lost my self in the words of the song and... since I had carefully avoided to let my full voice out since I noticed this mutation I felt quite refreshed. Starting to scream once in while was good for the heart.
Saber and Hikigaya utterly terrified by my performance less.

"HOW!?"
Cried the teen with his black eye and sane one wide open.

If I wasn't wrong I heard him coming at mid-song but I was far too absorbed by my performance to stop.
"Oh! Hey Hikigaya, I couldn't hear you, do want to sing?"

"Hell no, I want you to shut up! I have to work!
...And also understand how did you sound like...like that"

Good, I had hooked him up.

"Well I mean, Saber and I are currently bonding, to you know... increase the mutual trust, so we can be a more effective team. Right Saber?"
I asked while the tiny sarcastic and evil part of my brain had full control of me.

"..Yes, we were getting to know better each other"
She stuttered unsure of the mood.

"See it would be a problem to interrupt such an important event just to... give you time to prepare some kind of weapon drug or whatever, we are dealing with real issues right now Hikigaya-kun"
I said as a malicious feeling was completely taking over me.
"What can you offer to pay up for the bonding time we would lose"

I know I wanted to be a hero of justice, but it never came to me that playing the villain was easy and fun as hell.

"I offer that I won't break your nose here and now"
He said with a grin.

"Do you want to try your luck when Saber is here"
I counter attacked grinning myself.

"When did you get smart?"
"I was always smart, just full of morals, but right now I'm discarding them to deal with you"
"Ah, I'm almost proud, what do you want to shut up?"
"How do you make a servant recover mana?"
"I thought I told you to figure out a solution yourselves"
"My solution is you, you handled the situation far too calmly ergo you know about a rapid way to solve the mana issue and were only waiting for a moment when revealing thay information would have worthed the most."
"...And why should I agree with you"
"ahah why?"
I laughed taking out my smartphone.

"Because by doing so you will have your peace and quite and the whole world won't think you're gay"

Opening my class' chat-room I pressed the vocal message button and let a bit of drama flow out of my mouth.
"Hikigaya what are you saying?"

"You know what I'm saying, and I'm tired none else does"
I said enchanting my voice to sound like the dead eyed teen.

"It can be you..."

"Yes I like big fat co-"

"STOP GOD PLEASE STOP IT'S CREEPY AS HELL FINE, FINE! I'l tell you"
Cried Hikigaya moving his hands before I send the message.

"Gland we are on the same page"
I replied still using his voice.

"Gland you sound less stupid than usual at least. Also the solution is that the two of you have to bang"
He grinned taking out the most heinous set of sharp teeth I ever seen.

"Pardon?"
Asked Saber unable to elaborate the information.

"S. E. X. That's how you pass enough magic power without wasting command seals, eating souls or being a magus worthy of being called one"

"...Ara?"
I grunted while my little evil act got vaporized in front of a real demon lord.

I wasn't expecting this kind of developement.

"I usually don't say it, but avoid protections!"
He laughed limping out of the room.
"Now be quiet I have to work"

"Oh dammit dammit DAMMIT"
I thought while my plan was shattering into pieces.

I had lost the lead and the power to move Hikigaya where I wanted, but I still needed something.
"WAIT!"
I said grabbing his arm.

"Emiya I'm not giving you advice on how to copulat-"
"Teach me how to fight"
I asked, no begged him.

"What?"

"Teach me how to fight"
"No"
"Why?"
"First my services don't come cheap, second, all the servants an masters you met thus far played with you, if you get stronger, they will be more serious and at that point, you won't stand a chance."
"It wasn't my intention to defeat a servant if I can beat the Master it's more than enough"
"Suuuuurrrrreeeee, you know I might have been stupid enough to believe something like that, but after you charged against an opponent you had no chance to defeat...twice. Nope"
"That was different"
"No it wasn't. Do you think power is something you obtain overnight? You think that just because you survived this long you won't die? Open your eyes Emiya, you've been only lucky, just thank God or whatever that you draw a powerful servant and met the right people at the right time"
"I know"
"THEN ACT OF CONSEGUENCE, STOP TO ACTIVELY TRY TO KILL YOURSELF AND TREASURE MORE THAT SHITTY LIFE OF YOURS"
"WHAT WOULD BE THE FUCKING POINT!"
"...Emiya..."
"What would be the purpose of my life, if even after reaching this point I just keep being weak and useless, I've been saved by Kiritsugu, by Tohsaka, by you, by Saber, by the goddamn Archer AND I... and I will never repay a single debt... why..."
"...Christ stupid ghost I know... Emiya Is this really about your debts?"

"Is this really about your debts?"
"No..."
"Then please say something genuine if you want to convince me. I 'm sure you want to repay who helped you, but I'll never believe that's really what drives you, so what's the little idiotic desire that pushed you to attack a servant without any plan or chance to win?"

"I want to be a hero"
I said leaving behind shame or hesitation.

"It sounds stupid"
Replied Hikigaya setting his dead stare on me.

"Does it matter?"
I spoke while my voice remained unflexible.

"No... I guess it doesn't"
Sighed the teen massaging his temples.
"Wear something comfortable, we have 1 hour before your other love victim shows up. Let's see if are going to survive this war, Saber bring your ass too I'll need you."

"Are you going to train me?"
I asked as my eyes shined with hope.

"ahaha no... I'm going to systematically tear you down, you'll have to lear on your own, plus you have to teach me the voice thingy and have to help me with several side projects."

"THANKS!"
I jumped trying to hug my (... yes I guess he was a) friend.

Just to receive a soundly fist on my nose.
*CRACK
Holy shit it broke.

"Hold your horses you'll have to respect some rules"

---

Rule number 1.
I'm your God and what I dictate is law.
Rule number 2.
You never move alone, in the instant you trepass the door of this house, Saber or I'll be besides you.
Rule number 3.
Any complain about my methods and you're out.
Rule number 4.
Cheap tricks and dirty moves are your life line, no honor bullshit with me please.
Rule number 5.
DO NOT TRIGGER TOHSAKA OR MATOU. Any Rom-comish problem or tsundere, yandere crap and I'm out.
Rule number 6.
If Shiro Emiya was to die like an idiot the ownership of Saber and remaining command seals pass on to me.
Rule number 7.
Under no occasion I'll be forced to side with you in a servant fight, your battles are not mine.

"Do you accept?"
Asked Hikigaya releasing an ominous aura.

Saber immediately tried to restrain me saying.
"Shiro don't"
But I had already made up my mind.
"Can I trust you?"
I asked tightening my hand into a fist.

"Not the way you'd like"

"Fine I accept your rules"

"Perfect"

"Great I'm in your care"
I smiled stretching my hand.

"I wouldn't be so happy if I were you"
He replied grinning too.

"Why?"

"First lesson: how to take a punch"

Hearing those words I felt confused.
"What? I know how to take a punc-*CRACK!"
Another nasty blow hit my nose.
WHY THE NOSE!?

"No you clearly don't Shiro-kun. Saber put him back on his feet with your regenarative capabilities and my healing powers we can break him all the times I need ahahahah"

What the hell did I just do to my life.

---

Oddly enough another chapter is over... well nothing much to say, Shiro is having flashbacks about what happened in the great fire and I'm planning to give more weight about who he was before becoming well... Shiro Emiya. Hachiman remain sketchy helping Shiro but omitting a lot of information. Rin and Saber might be falling for the Shiro's charm, but no maybe it's more like he is crushing really hard on them.
Thanks for having sat through all my autism and well see you when I see you.
Next time Sakura POV (plus the nightmare otherwise I'm leaving Nijito's plotline waaaaaayyyy too behind)