God rolled the dice and Ben Tramer's life was written on the faces of both the die.
Life was a gamble. Tracy should learn that. It's not worth crying over.
But, then there's a loud and long sniffle on the other side of the isle of the guests. Mrs. Tramer breaks down slowly — it's seen in her shoulders. They quake. And the cookie crumbles and Mrs. Tramer exclaims in a broken voice:
"He didn't deserve it— my boy!"
Someones shushes her, the sound is pushed through their teeth, then murmurs something— probably a half-assed consolation.
"No!" Mrs. Tramer snaps through a film of tears. "None of you knew Benjamin! Why are you here? Who the hell are you!? Do you even fucking care?"
The congregation shares a small gasp, that in unison sounds like aghast. It is likely they think Mrs. Tramer has gone insane. Poor thing. Any mother would be at the loss of their child. Laurie might have been too young to remember, but she imagines her mother must have felt and sounded and looked as crazed and uncontrolled and emotional as Mrs. Tramer when Judith died.
"Mrs. Tramer," someone says tersely.
She quiets and her head swivels to the front.
The reverend's voice feigns compassion but his aged face does not.
"For your son," he reminds her softly.
Those words put the woman under a spell, and then she is returned to the demure sad woman standing in the wake of her husband who remains stoic and the congregation must love him for being the stronger of Ben Tramer's parents.
But, sometimes a lack of anything, shows a deficit in something else. Maybe Mr. Tramer is lousy in bed, or he's a wife beater, or he's the most hated worker in his firm. Laurie's father had a few purposeful comments about Mr. Tramer's work ethic. But that's besides the point. Her father's not the most reputable character you look to for insights on other people. He's not a saint either.
The reverend raises his head and stares straight through Laurie who regrets the decision to sit in the front.
"Let us pray," he says.
Laurie decides not to cry then.
She'd save it for when she returned to her room.