A/N: Hello all and welcome to chapter three of this crack. The note will be a little longer than normal, just to clarify a few things.

1: Yes, this does take place in Season 1 of RvB.

2: We WILL see the Freelancers eventually. But that's…not for a long time lol. Bear with me on that one, okay?

3: This is pretty much a light hearted crack fic that I write alongside my heavier, much darker works (especially my Elder Scrolls story). If updates seem slow, know it's because I usually write the chapter for ES first before I write this one.

Paradox Effect

Summary: Dying sucked. Dying and being killed by the same teammate again? That sucked even more. Dying and being thrown back into Blood Gulch as a girl? That REALLY sucked. Now, Leona Church will have to put up with Tucker's perverted looks, Caboose's stupidity, and worst of all, Tex's laughter…

*Chapter 3*

After failing to kill Sarge twice in a span of about ten minutes, Church decided to raid the Red Base's fridge to see if they had any good snacks left. Or a few beers. After the shit she had just gone through, she could use a drink or two.

Okay, maybe three. Or perhaps an entire six pack. Eh, fuck it. Not like Tucker was around to ruin everything like he usually did.

Church opened the fridge, saw the fresh six pack of beer hanging in the door, and helped herself. The slightly bitter taste slid down her throat, but it wasn't anything she wasn't already used to; she was pretty sure Tucker's arrival in Blood Gulch increased her alcohol consumption to the point where she'd need a liver transplant.

Hey, she needed a coping mechanism to deal with his bullshit, right?

Church took a few more healthy chugs, gulping it down and wiping her lips. This new body was definitely a little shorter than she was accustomed to, and she didn't like the way Tucker kept staring at her newly formed assets.

She looked down at the pair of breasts she now had, and she remembered all the bad nipple jokes he and Tucker would make about girls having a problem with their nipples rubbing on their breastplate. 'Fuck, this is probably karma for all those jokes about irritated nipples.'

"So, uh, Church. Do you…have a second?" a nervous Simmons asked.

Church rolled her eyes, taking another swig of beer and leaning against the fridge. "Dude, I have nothing but seconds. The fuck do you want?" 'How did I even end up here again?'

'Oh, right. The military is a fucking cocksucker, that's how. Fuck this goddamned canyon.'

She really hated the military right now.

"Well…Sarge wants to talk," Simmons replied, not looking at her directly. "He said to meet him outside in a few hours."

"Dude, seriously? You could've waited a few hours before coming to get me." Church rolled her eyes and brushed passed him towards the armory to do some maintenance work on her sniper rifle. "Tell that old man I'll be in the armory getting drunk and working on my rifle."

"But he thinks you're a threat."

"Seriously? What fucking threat can I possibly be? Our team is fucking terrible."

"…I think he's just insane," Simmons sheepishly admitted. "I mean, we're not that great, either. Grif's a lazy fatass, Lopez can't speak fucking English, and Donut…well, let's not go there."

"You mean that pink chick?" Church asked.

"Donut's a guy. He just wears pink armor." Simmons face-palmed. "I don't get it either."

"It's not pink, it's light-ish red!" Donut protested from his room. "And keep it down! You're disturbing my wine and cheese hour!"

Church and Simmons looked at each other, and the new woman just sighed. "Do I even want to fucking know?"

"No. You really don't." Simmons shook his head in despair. "If you value your sanity at all, just ignore Donut. It's what the rest of us do once he starts talking."

Church shook her head and headed out. "Will do." 'Great. I went from one annoying team to a team that's exactly the same. Does absolutely everything here have to fucking suck?'

'Oh wait. It wouldn't be Blood Gulch if it wasn't terrible.' Church glanced at her sniper rifle, her eyes narrowing in annoyance. She refused to believe that it was her aim that was the problem. Someone had to be taking it away when she wasn't looking and fucking with the sights on it. That had to be it. It was the only explanation that made a single lick of sense.

The armory, like the rest of Red Base, was completely filled with red lights and banners. The sight of it was starting to test her already thin patience, and she rolled her eyes. "Christ…don't they know any other colors apart from red? Fucking hell."

She set her sniper rifle on the workbench and removed the scope, frowning as she stared at it. Someone indeed had been messing with her precious rifle's sights. "I fucking knew it. assholes." 'I bet it was Tucker's fault. It sounds exactly like him. Fucking cockbiting fucktard.'

'Ugh. That sounds like something Tex would say.' Church grimaced at the thought of becoming like her ex girlfriend. She was nothing like Tex. Tex was a bitch. Church was cool and devilishly awesome in every possible way.

'Hmm…I wonder how Tex is going with Tucker and Caboose. I bet she's trying hard not to kill them.' She shrugged, fixed her rifle's sights, and put the weapon back together.

Once fully assembled, Church looked through the scope of her rifle and fired at a random set of red armor standing upright in the corner. The high velocity bullet sank right in the middle of the shiny golden visor, and Church lowered her rifle with a grin, pushing her hair out of her face. "Holy shit. I fucking hit something! I knew the sniper rifle was awesome!"

She was so ecstatic about hitting a target for the first time in her life, she took picked up her half empty beer and chugged the rest of its contents.

She tossed the bottle into the corner, grinning when she heard it shatter, and she made her way outside to talk to Sarge. Church stopped in the kitchen to grab another few beers, one for her and one for Sarge.

"Hey, Sarge! What the hell do you want?" she asked, her rifle across the magnetic plates on her armor. She opened her beer and took a few gulps, smacking her lips.

Sarge turned to look at her, staring at her. He was working on the Warthog with that robot Lopez, and he chuckled as she handed him a drink. "Ah, look at that. Someone knows how to treat a superior with respect."

He took a swig, wiping his large mustache. "Now, Blue, do you know why I called you out here today?"

"No. Is it to get drunk and tell great stories of how our teams both suck?" Church asked dryly, rolling her eyes. "Because if we do, we'll need a lot more beer. We'll be here for a long time."

"No, Buttercup," Sarge said with a growl. "I came to ask you a very important question."

Church's eyebrow rose, and her curiosity was piqued. "Okay, I'm listening."

Sarge looked at the Warthog, frowning. "Does…does this look like some sort of big cat or something?"

"…what, like a puma?"

A/N: XD I'm sorry, I couldn't resist ending it here. How will Sarge react to a puma? :P

C. Strife #5371