A/N: So, I've got a new chapter for you all. I hope you enjoy it XD

Paradox Effect

Summary: Dying sucked. Dying and being killed by the same teammate again? That sucked even more. Dying and being thrown back into Blood Gulch as a girl? That REALLY sucked. Now, Leona Church will have to put up with Tucker's perverted looks, Caboose's stupidity, and worst of all, Tex's laughter…

*Chapter 5*

Tucker let out a groan as he plodded across the canyon, kicking a loose rock in irritation. "Stupid Church and her fucking anger issues…why the hell is it always me who has to deal with this bullshit?" 'Come on, how the hell was I supposed to know that Church would die and turn into a hot chick? It's not fair!'

He wanted to tell Tex to go fuck herself and get Church back herself instead of making him do it, but Tucker was smart enough to not piss her off. He had seen her use Caboose as target practice for nothing more than shits and giggles, and he definitely didn't want to get on her bad side. Not when it would result in him either losing his manhood entirely or getting beaten to death with his own severed head. Tucker involuntarily shuddered at the thought of the short tempered Freelancer viciously mauling his manhood using heinous torture devices that might be seen in a horror movie. '…if I have a choice between a painful death and getting Church back, I'll take the latter any day of the fucking week.'

He needed that part of his anatomy for when he finally pounded that ass into next week. '…oh goddammit. They need to make the codpiece on this armor a little roomier. Every time I get hard, my fucking dick feels like it is being squashed by a giraffe.' He wasn't going to deny that Church was hot as a chick. He'd definitely sleep with her, if he could get away with it.

Something though told him that he would never get away with it. It most definitely wasn't the terrifying monster that was called Texas. Nope. Not even now, looking at him cross the canyon with a sniper rifle in her hands and occasionally firing warning shots at his heels to make sure he kept walking.

CRACK!

"For fuck's sake Tex, can you please stop shooting at me?" he pleaded over the COMs. "I get it!"

"Fuck no. One, no one gets to hit on my ex but me. Two, you are an asshole," she shot back with a growl. "Now get moving."

CRACK!

That shot barely missed his head, and he broke into a full run. "Shit! I said I fucking get it! Stop shooting, you fucking psychotic bitch!" 'Why is it that the one girl we get on our team turns out to be a rotten bitch with cybernetic powers? What the fuck?'

He heard a demonic chuckle from Tex and that encouraged him to run even faster. He did not want to get shot today. Fuck that. 'Well, now's there also Church who is a girl. But that's Church. The one guy I can actually tolerate on the team. I'm not sticking my dick in a former dude.'

Tucker saw the Red Base in the distance, and he gulped when he heard loud explosions coming from that side of the canyon, followed by loud shotgun blasts and awful Spanish music. "For fuck's sake, what the hell is that music!?"

The music grew louder as he approached, and he was shocked to see Church hanging out with the Reds. His leader had a shotgun in one hand and an open can of beer in the other, cackling as she shot at some fatass in orange armor.

Part of him wasn't surprised. He knew that Church liked drinking beer when she was a dude. Tucker missed the good old days when he and Church would get shitfaced drunk and yell random insults at the Reds from the ridge. He liked it when it was simple.

Tucker waved over to Church, yelling over the awful music blaring from the car the Reds had. "Hey, Church! What the fuck are you doing!? Have you finally lost it!?"

Church looked at him and rolled her eyes, motioning for the guy in maroon to lower the music a bit. "The fuck do you want, Tucker?"

"Your ex told me to come and bring you back to base," Tucker replied, gasping for breath. "Holy shit dude, you might have wanted to tell me that she was a fucking psychopath. She nearly killed me!"

"Aw, let me feel some sympathy for you." Church rolled her eyes. "Try getting killed twice, and then being thrown back into the worst spot in your life as a goddamned chick. Once that happens, then we'll compare notes." There it was. Girl or no girl, Church was still an asshole. He missed that part of her.

Tucker sniffled mockingly, pretending to wipe a tear away from his helmet. "There she is. That's the Church I know and don't hate. Now how about we go back to base, Pretty Princess?"

"Up yours, dickhead." Church flipped him off with a huff, and the two stared at each other before they started to snicker. It eventually broke out into full blown laughter, and Church threw the empty beer can at him with a smirk. "Fine. I'll go back. But I swear to God, if you try and come onto me, I'm going to let Tex do whatever she wants to your corpse until she gets bored."

"Deal. Sorry dude."

"Accepted."

"…so, what do you say we give the Reds a nice goodbye present?" Tucker asked with a smirk, holding up a grenade. "I think this is a good gift for them. What about you?"

"I got something better." Church grinned, plucked her sniper rifle from her back armor, and fired it at the stereo in the jeep. To their relief, the god awful music stopped, and Tucker definitely averted his gaze to not look at her ass. He was going to keep his end of the deal.

'Fuck. Why the hell does the other chick on the team have to previously have been a dude? This shit is confusing. Does this make me gay if I want to stick my dick in someone who was once a guy but is now a chick?'

He wasn't sure of the answer, but he was just glad to not be brutally mutilated by Tex. She was terrifying on a whole new level. "Hey, Church?"

"Yeah?"

"…how does it feel being a lesbian, now that you're a chick and dated a girl?"

Church groaned in annoyance as the aqua soldier laughed. "Oh goddammit. Something tells me that Tex is already cackling like a lunatic."

"You have no idea…" Tucker shook his head and sighed.

Somehow, the walk back to base seemed to take a lot fucking longer. At least he had someone who he could shoot the shit with on the way back. "You know something?"

"What?" Church asked, slinging her rifle against her shoulder with a bored expression on her face.

"Caboose is guaranteed not to teamkill you this time around. He'll be totally confused as to who you are." He grinned.

"…holy shit, you're right." Church chuckled. "At least I'll not have that to worry about. But there's still Tex to deal with. I need her to stay for at least a little longer."

"Why?" Now it was Tucker's turn to be confused, though his thoughts went to something dirty as usual. "Is it for you to have sex?"

"No, you jackass." She rolled her eyes. "Remember how I told you she got enlisted in that special military program during basic?"

"Yeah. What about it?" Tucker didn't want to be reminded of the many times she came close to beating him to death in a span of five seconds.

"Well, they gave her a really aggressive AI, called Omega. I have to find a way to get it out of her head before it ruins her mental state completely," Church said, and she pulled the bolt back on her rifle. "If anyone's going to drive my girlfriend nuts, it's going to be me."

"How romantic. Maybe you should take her out to dinner first."

"Fuck you."

"Gladly. Name a time and place."

"Asshole."

It was good to have his team leader and friend back. Even if she was kind of a bitch.

A/N: And here we are. Hope you enjoyed, and as always, tell me what you think. I'll see you all soon, and if you're interested in adding me on Xbox, here's my gamertag: DPLxStrife

C. Strife #5371