Chapter 4
Flashback: years ago.
Ichigo nearing 18, instrumental to the peace both realms now enjoyed, returned home battered and worn, not yet used to his bed, unable to sleep without patrolling Karakura, and zoning out from the exhaustion. The last time he let his guard down, Grimmjaw and Ulquiorra came tearing into the sky – Rukia nearly dead, Inoue taken, and Uryuu recruited. Rest was not an option, not yet. Or at least, he didn't know how.
His friends joked that Ichigo only knew to sleep when a battle was looming, somewhere in his fighting-oriented mind rest was only beneficial to be in shape for the next scrap. Ichigo scowled along, gently tapping his fist on Keigo's upper arm, mindful that humor was his friend's coping mechanism. Once the questions were answered (as much as could be explained anyway, his friends seemed to be pleased to stop at the part where everyone was safe and no more harm was coming), they dropped their guard. Within a few months, they had put the ordeal behind them, returning to their mortal milestones.
High school finished in a blur. He and his friends crossed the stage with mixed emotions. Chad in his humble way proclaiming a boxing tour, Tatsuki vaguely describing a general degree to focus on her sports, and Keigo mulling over going straight into the workforce or struggling through college. Inoue was her usual happy self, though Ichigo could see something was eating at her – she wouldn't even look at him. Uryuu was polite, and excused himself almost immediately to meet with his father and his colleagues.
Ichigo took a moment to regard the school, mentally determined to never return, and somewhere inside him hoping that it would never disappear. He hated high school, hoping to lie low throughout – he chuckled at the irony, if it wasn't his hair, it was all of the missions that yanked him out of class that made him stick out like a sore thumb.
"Ready to go?" Isshin asked, patting his son on the shoulder. He motioned towards Inoue who was talking to his sisters.
"Yeah," Ichigo said, joining the rest of his family.
So, at the end of the day, Ichigo and Inoue walked home together, being that they were in the same general direction and that Inoue was alone. His family walked a few meters ahead, and the pair trailed behind.
"They're so kind to give us some space," Inoue smiled, "though I'm not sure it's entirely necessary."
"They're always planning something, those two. Karin usually could care less," Ichigo replied, hands in his pockets, eyes on his family.
"They watch out for you; it must be nice." Inoue added, looking wistfully at the family ahead of her.
It dawned on Ichigo that she'd be going home alone tonight, "Do you want to stay for dinner?"
Inoue looked up with one of her gorgeous smiles, "I'd love to."
That evening, Inoue felt warmth she hadn't felt in months. The fear she felt at the thought of a future alone left for the little while she spent with Ichigo and his family. Yuzu spoke about nursing school, Karin mentioned considering the school herself, but something about her father tainting the entire medical field made her reconsider. Ichigo and Yuzu laughed, as Isshin attempted to recruit both Karin and Inoue at once. Inoue explained that she had quite a few options for schooling, but considered working abroad for a bit as nothing was holding her home.
"I'm sure you'll find a husband soon enough, Inoue." Isshin reassured, glancing at Ichigo who pretended not to hear the statement as he reached for some dessert.
Inoue could only laugh awkwardly in response, glancing at Ichigo who seemed to be focused on his plate. "Even if," she continued, "I'm curious about what the rest of Japan has to offer, at the very least." Suddenly, the family went quiet, and all but Ichigo turned to the door.
"She's late, but she's here." Isshin said with a smirk.
At this, Ichigo finally perked to attention, watching his dad disappear to answer the door and return with a familiar reiatsu.
"Rukia," Ichigo said, failing to hide his surprise.
"Hello, idiot." She smirked, box in one hand, wearing a dress he hadn't seen before.
"Rukia!" Exclaimed Yuzu, bursting out of her seat to greet her unofficial sister with a hug, "I made you some sweets, and some extra food, if you've not eaten!"
"I've missed your cooking Yuzu, I'd love to have some," Rukia replied with a smile, patting her on the head after returning her hug with her free arm.
"How's Soul Society treating you?" Isshin asked.
Rukia sat down, giving Karin a quick nod who returned it just the same. "Busy. Paperwork, fieldwork, classwork, all the work imaginable." She helped herself to some food. "But really, I'm here for the graduates!" She smiled at the teens. Rukia opened the box, and presented the teens with small boxes of their own. "I was only late because I dropped off the same to the others, seeing as you were both in the same vicinity." She glanced at Ichigo, who blushed slightly, and turned his attention to the present.
Ichigo pulled off the simple white ribbon, and found a modest flip phone.
"Highly experimental," Rukia explained, "Urahara and I were working on some way to keep in contact with all of you – being that you've got stronger spiritual powers than most, and now that you're maturing who knows how they'll grow, training or no. But it's more modern, so you don't have to worry about explaining it to people around you, and it's got more specific tracking for hollows and such."
"Thank you, Kuchiki-san, but I don't know if I can take this." Inoue said.
Rukia looked at her in surprise. "I mean, you don't have to take it if you don't want it – but it's definitely safer in the long run."
"My understanding was that after the war, there would be less danger, and if I was away from Karakura… I'd be less at risk." Her voice shrank, and she thought she could hear her fairies' disappointment.
"I would agree that your powers are sufficient to protect yourself, and destroy a typical hollow. You don't need to take it Inoue, I'll take it back. I'm sure we'll find use for it elsewhere." Rukia smiled warmly, reaching for the phone.
"Wait," Ichigo interrupted, "Are you sure, Inoue? What if you're on your own and you need a bit of help? Wouldn't it be easier to contact us through this?"
The silence was thick, as Inoue turned Ichigo's questions over in her head.
"Ichigo, Inoue can handle herself." Rukia insisted, reaching again for the phone.
This time, he placed a hand on top of the phone and handed it to her. "If you end up staying, this would be useful."
Isshin cast a look of doubt at the interaction, and Rukia was obviously displeased. Inoue's cheeks tinted pink, and she received the phone.
"Thank you, Kuchiki-san, I'll hold onto it and let you know if I don't need it anymore."
"That works too, Inoue," she reassured the teen. She shot a quick glare at Ichigo, before returning to her meal.
A little while later, Inoue was on her way out of the Kurosaki residence. She stood at the door, shuffling the handle of the bag of leftovers between her hands. "Thank you for dinner, and the present." She looked at the responsible parties separately.
"If you'd like, feel free to drop by for dinner anytime, just let me know." Ichigo said, face neutral, but gentle.
"Of course," Inoue replied, "well, I suppose I should go."
"It's dark," Rukia began, "let's walk you home."
Ichigo nodded behind Rukia, and Inoue politely nodded in response. The girls did most of the talking, Rukia asked what places Inoue considered visiting, if she needed any support to always reach out to her with the phone, and praising her endlessly on making top five in her graduating class. They arrived at her apartment, and they waved as Inoue entered her home.
Inoue placed the care package in her kitchen. She said hello to her brother's shrine, and looked out at the mostly empty apartment with boxes laying about. She didn't mention yet that she had decided to go to school in Tokyo, the farthest feasible place to attend (and one with a full scholarship). Suddenly, she had doubts about the decision – it was hard not to read into Ichigo's kindness, which did not help her resolve. She clutched at her chest, and sensed that they were still waiting outside her apartment. She turned the lights on and drew the curtains, then she fell onto the couch, upon realizing that she couldn't help but cry. Loneliness? Uncertainty? All of the above? She couldn't ascertain the exact reason, but gods, did she wish it didn't hurt so much.
They left once they saw Inoue's window lighten, and promptly dim as curtains were drawn. Rukia walked in silence towards a nearby park, a familiar one that they visited on Ichigo's second night as a Shinigami. Ichigo followed in silence, curious about the detour, but a little glad he didn't have to return home to the chaos and the lectures from his father.
"Have you decided what you're going to do?" Rukia asked, as she took a seat on a free swing.
Ichigo leaned against the swing frame, hands tucked into his pockets, watching Rukia swing back and forth slowly. "Medicine," Ichigo said, "I've got decent recommendations, and I'm surprised my grades cut it. Dad's been hounding me, and really, I don't have much interest in anything else."
"Fitting," Rukia smirked, "Finished saving the world, and now you've gone to saving patients."
Ichigo shrugged, "If it were up to me, I'd be a Shinigami full time." He looked up at Rukia, who looked away.
"Soul reaper work doesn't pay in the land of the living, you know that." She replied.
Ichigo yawned in response.
"Are you still not sleeping?" Rukia asked. She watched as Ichigo sat on the sand, still leaning against the swing set, eyes shut.
"No." He muttered, "I still have to patrol the city, then I'll probably sleep."
Rukia stopped swinging, "Okay, let's go."
"What?"
"The sooner you finish your rounds the better, so let's go together."
They returned to his home, and there she transformed into her shinigami form, fixing the gloves on her arms and checking her gear. "Neat right? No more body to worry about, Urahara is a terrifying man."
Ichigo smirked, as he exited his form and gently placed his body on his bed before beginning their duties on foot.
In silence, they visited the highest activity areas: places full of history, death, foot traffic, and even seemingly peaceful corners of parks, parking lots, and neighbourhoods. They stopped at the cemetery, where Ichigo paused to visit his mother.
"We were planning to see her tomorrow," Ichigo explained, as he watched Rukia pray. "But I usually finish here, helps bring me home I guess."
Rukia looked up at Ichigo with an understanding smile, placing a hand on his arm for comfort. "It's time to get some rest."
Ichigo yielded, and allowed Rukia to lead him back to his room.
They gently ascended, and Ichigo returned to his body. Rukia sat at his desk fiddling with her phone as he prepared for sleep. He sat at his bed, and looked at her in the dark, her profile lit by the streetlamps.
"It's been hard to sleep." Ichigo said, slightly embarrassed, yet feeling safer to share in the dark.
"Should I talk to Urahara?"
"Tell me, why is it so different now?" Ichigo asked.
Rukia took a moment to process the question, and to give him a chance to elaborate. "What do you mean?"
"This can't be it," Ichigo asked, "can it?"
Rukia took a breath, shakier than she liked. "It'll be an adjustment, Ichigo, you went through a tremendous amount of stress. You're going to feel alien going back into regular life, but it'll come with time. Take it day by day. If the nightmares get bad, let me know and I can come up with something to help you sleep. But for now, you've got some time to take it easy and process what you went through. Your father will help, and you've always got us, your friends, even Urahara and Yoruichi."
Ichigo now took his turn to process the response. The silence wore on longer than he realized, and Rukia continued to speak.
"I thought about what you said – the full time Shinigami thing – I'm sure Soul Society would love to have you on board, but you're definitely a unique situation. I think, with your family status, and this new era of peace, I don't know that they'll be so quick to take you in when you've not reached the end of your life."
"Rukia," Ichigo began. He made sure to make eye contact with her, and her usually powerful gaze seemed intimate in the low light. "Will you stay? At least until I fall asleep?"
Rukia blinked in surprise. "What?"
"I'm just trying something. You don't have to stay all night, hell, an hour even, if you can." Ichigo looked to the side, glancing upon the closet that she stayed in at first, and then returning her gaze. "You know what, never mind." He climbed into bed.
"Hey, hang on-"
"Just go already," Ichigo interrupted.
"I'll stay." Rukia added. "At least for an hour."
"Thanks." He muttered.
"Do you want a sleep incantation? Maybe shut the window?"
"No."
"Okay."
Ichigo fell asleep at once.
The darkness behind his eyes transformed into Hueco Mundo, the eerie light of perpetual night shone on his robes as he found himself walking towards the shadows of Aizen's towers in the middle of the dead desert. He was alone, this time, as he stepped into the vast halls. Ulquiorra's form muttering something and then came the panic.
From his desk, Rukia watched as Ichigo's breathing began to labour. He shook, tossed and turned. Rukia heard footsteps running from down the hall, and met eyes with Isshin who quietly entered the room.
"Most nights?" Rukia asked, as she tapped on her phone to take notes.
"Most." Isshin replied, crossing his arms, "The screaming scares the girls, so I try to stop it before it happens."
They watched as Ichigo began to sweat, and kick off the sheets.
"I think it's about you this time."
Rukia looked up at Isshin in confusion.
"Rukia…" Ichigo could be heard easily, "Rukia-"
"How do you stop him? Is it okay to wake him?"
"He tends to wake himself with the panic," Isshin explained, and watched as Rukia gently sat by Ichigo.
She took the towel Isshin handed to her and pat Ichigo's face dry, and placed a hand to cup his cheek. Rukia hushed him, soothed him, and watched as his body relaxed.
"Rukia…"
"I'm here," Rukia whispered, petting his hair, doing anything she could to calm him.
"I'd say he's in good hands." Isshin smiled, and left the room.
Ichigo's eyes fluttered open, and he looked up at her.
"You're here," Ichigo whispered sleepily.
"I'm here." Rukia repeated, and watched as he fell asleep again.
For the first few weeks of summer, Inoue visited almost every other day for dinner. She became a household regular, and at times, Uryuu and the rest would stop by too. Yuzu gladly took Inoue's help, and Ichigo took the visits as a chance to take a break from his home cram school (taught by his father, which made it even more stressful). At times, Inoue would linger to help clean up, and Ichigo would walk her home. There wasn't much conversation, but Inoue enjoyed it nonetheless, pleased to have some time with him before leaving for Tokyo.
At this point, Inoue felt brave enough to tell him, "I'm thinking of moving to Tokyo for school. I would rent my apartment out for a bit of income, but live and study there. What do you think?"
"That sounds great," Ichigo replied, "Does anyone else know?"
Inoue ignored the sting of disappointment at the response, "Tatsuki knows, so far, I've yet to tell anyone else. I'm looking to leave a week before classes start."
"Well, let us know if you need help with moving." Ichigo said gently.
Inoue nodded with a soft smile, "Thank you for everything, I really enjoy the dinners with your family."
"They like having you around too," Ichigo replied. "Anyway, I've got an early morning tomorrow –"
"Do you like having me around, Kurosaki-kun?" Inoue asked.
Ichigo was a bit bewildered by the question in that he wasn't sure what she was trying to do, "I guess I do," he replied, scratching the back of his head, "you're a good friend Inoue."
Inoue watched him fumble, wondering if there was anything beyond friendship in his behaviour, and after all these years at this moment, it dawned on her that he never felt anything romantic towards her. For once in the entirety of her knowing him, she hated his loyalty.
"Thank you," she replied, voice small, "good night."
Ichigo scowled and nodded, seemingly aware that something significant had occurred, but pushing through the routine of their walks regardless. He watched her enter her apartment, and then draw her curtains. Ichigo immediately turned to his phone, noting Rukia's texts. She had been waiting at his room for a bit of time now, and he hoped she wouldn't be upset.
He arrived at his room, and she smirked at him. "Did I interrupt a little rendezvous with Inoue?"
Ichigo smirked back, "I'm pretty sure she just implied she had feelings for me," he began as he pulled off his shirt.
"Oh?" Rukia asked, seemingly more to herself, as she was taken aback by the sting in her own chest. "What happened?"
"I said she was a good friend," Ichigo replied, as he finished changing and climbed into his bed.
"Am I going to have to do some damage control?" Rukia asked.
"What?"
"She loves you, Ichigo. You'd have to have less brain cells than I gave you credit for to not realize that by now."
Ichigo shrugged, realizing that fancies like crushes were foreign to him.
"Oh, you shell of a boy." Rukia couldn't help but laugh. "Go to sleep."
"Have you ever been in love?" Ichigo asked.
Rukia shook her head, "Is now really the time to have this conversation? And would I even tell you?"
Ichigo glared, then turned away. "I don't think I've ever been," Ichigo muttered, "at least, I'm not entirely sure yet."
Rukia watched as Ichigo's breathing became slow and even. She quietly left the house through an open window and towards a summoned gate nearby.
A glance at the clock told her it was three in the morning, she yawned as she stepped into her home, and began to disrobe. They had been meeting this way for the past month now. After midnight, Rukia waited for him at home and Ichigo would return from patrol or cram school and go straight to bed. There was little exchange, mostly Rukia asking him how his day went and Ichigo in his usual way would keep his summaries brief. He fell asleep considerably faster as time went on, and the nightmares seemed to be dissipating.
The next morning, Rukia was met at the door by an old familiar face.
"I was beginning to think you had forgotten about the training we had to do today." Renji smirked, arms crossed.
Rukia laughed, "If I didn't show up I wouldn't hear the end of it." She turned to shut her door and lock the house.
They fell into step together naturally, Rukia looked through her phone for any texts from Ichigo, and realized that perhaps he had slept in this morning, which seemed to become a habit now that school was over and he didn't have anywhere to be.
"How's the kid doing?" Renji asked, realizing that Rukia was worrying about him again.
"He's Ichigo," she replied.
"You're seeing him again tonight?" Renji asked.
"If you must know, yes. He's making good progress. That journal by his bed for his nightmares seems to be working, and he doesn't seem as distressed in general. His family says he's looking the most rested he's ever been, and actually sleeping through the night."
Renji smiled, enjoying how passionately Rukia spoke. "Good to know nothing else is happening," he added.
Rukia regarded him with a judgmental side eye, "What on earth are you talking about?"
"Nothing really," Renji replied, "By the way, I'm still waiting on your answer to be my date to the peace festival."
Rukia rolled her eyes, "I don't know that you need a date for something like that."
"Oh, come on, there'll be booze, everyone will be relaxed, I think it's more a social thing than anything serious."
"I'll think about it." Rukia replied with a chuckle, a bit curious to see what her colleagues would be like with the professional façade down.
That night, Rukia returned to Ichigo's room. He had already changed into his pajamas, and was looking through his journal in the light of his desk lamp.
"How was your day?" Rukia asked, taking a seat at his desk.
"Not terrible, just reading through these is interesting. Strange to feel like this life is going to be mostly behind me." Ichigo looked up at Rukia, wondering when she'd leave too. "Can you stay tonight?"
"Of course," Rukia said, "I brought my sketchbook and everything." She triumphantly pulled out a pocket-sized pad and some pencils.
"No," Ichigo said, "Can you stay with me?"
Rukia blinked in surprise and began to turn red. "Ichigo, I-"
He interrupted her as he stood and took a step towards her, she stood in response, ready to beat some sense into him.
"I don't know-" she covered her face with the back of her arm, and he gently took her wrist.
"I'm young but I'm not stupid," Ichigo said in a low voice. He wrapped his arms around her form, burying his head into her scent.
"No, you're apparently both," Rukia replied, powerless in his hold, heart racing in her ears.
"Please," Ichigo repeated.
Rukia wondered when he had become so much larger, so much steadier, and so much wiser.
"Okay." She said in a near whisper.
He withdrew and Rukia was met with the gentlest smile she had ever seen on him. He reached over to turn the lamp off, and climbed into bed. Leaning on one arm, and pulling himself to the farther end of his twin bed, he invited Rukia.
She swallowed, and suddenly realized she had been holding her breath. "I'm not getting into bed with you, I can at least stay-"
"My dad told me you've been literally soothing me to sleep." Ichigo explained, "I also know that even though you're playing it off, this shit can be tiring, so come. Sleep."
"Ichigo-"
"Rukia, before all of this ends, just once." Ichigo sat up, gazing at her in defiance.
"Ends?"
"I can't have you here like this all the time, I already know that." Ichigo began, "First, thank you. Second, I think I might be in love with you."
Rukia was stunned.
Ichigo looked up at her expectantly. "Are you going to say anything?"
"I think you've got it wrong," Rukia reasoned, "I don't think you know what you're talking about."
"Don't bullshit with me." Ichigo said, frustrated, chest aching, suddenly registering that he didn't think about the potential loss. "I want you, all the time, with me, near me, I can't stop thinking about you-"
"Ichigo, you can't," Rukia said, voice shaking, "You can't feel this way about me."
"Why not?" Ichigo asked, looking up at her, eyes wet in the dim light.
"Because I can't, I can't love you."
Ichigo felt his heart plummet into his stomach. "That's not an answer," he started.
"It has to be."
Ichigo got out of bed, and stood in front of her, grabbing her hands, "It can't be," he whispered in frustration.
"I have to go."
"Rukia-"
"I- text me, whatever, I'll respond but- just give me some time…" She packed her things, and left immediately.
Ichigo stood in the empty room and for the first time in years, began to cry.
Rukia maintained composure until she shut her door. At this, she sat on the floor and began to curse at herself. Wondering what she had done to make him think that they had a chance, wondering if the nights he soothed him were truly inappropriate, wondering if she was mostly afraid that she had ruined the kid for all the other women that were meant to come. Underneath all that shame, it dawned on her – ever since he asked if she'd ever been in love - she realized she couldn't bear the thought that she might have loved him, too.
Where does this leave them now? She was afraid to acknowledge the fact that it needed to be left alone. She needed to be alone for a little while. Rukia knew how to run, she knew when to fight, but she refused to yield. Not for this young man who probably had no real idea what he wanted. She, to him, was familiar and familiarity isn't love. It can't be love.