A/N: Hello all, and welcome to chapter thirteen! Last chapter we saw poor LadyChurch get knocked out by a surprise attack by the Reds.

Paradox Effect

Summary: Dying sucked. Dying and being killed by the same teammate again? That sucked even more. Dying and being thrown back into Blood Gulch as a girl? That REALLY sucked. Now, Leona Church will have to put up with Tucker's perverted looks, Caboose's stupidity, and worst of all, Tex's laughter…

*Chapter 13*

When Church came to, the first thing she was aware of was the god awful headache. She let out a weak groan of pain and lifted her head, shielding her eyes to block out the light. "Ugh…"

"Church!" Tex's voice was the first thing she got to hear and she grimaced.

"Anyone get the number of that bus?" Church asked weakly, trying to joke despite feeling as though she got beaten by a hundred hammers at once. "Ow…everything really hurts right now."

"No shit you're in pain." Texas sighed and felt her forehead, rubbing it. "You nearly got blown up by a fucking rocket. You're lucky you're still alive."

"Oh, bitch at me later," Church grumbled. "I'm pretty sure my badass sniping skills are the sole reason you are still in one piece. Did we find out who the one shooting at us was?"

"Yep. It was the Reds."

"Oh you've gotta be fucking kidding me."

Church let out an irritated growl and went to get out of bed to go beat the shit out of the Reds for their latest attempt at murder, but Tex put her hand firmly on her chest and shoved her back down. "Nope. You took a hell of a hit. You're not going anywhere. Get some rest."

"Tex, I'm fine," Church said with a grimace, reaching for a conveniently placed bottle of liquor. "Just get me a shot and I'll be good to go. I have a bone to pick with those fucktards for nearly killing me." 'Fucking assholes. I knew I should've killed them when I had the chance.'

"Oh trust me, York's already taken care of that for you," Tex replied cheerfully. Church shuddered. Cheery Tex had the same kind of ring to it as 'bubblegum with knives' did. It didn't fit.

"…do I want to know what he did?"

Church wasn't sure whether to be aroused or terrified by Tex's devious smirk. She settled for both and poured herself a shot with a sigh. "Alright, let me hear it."

"N-no please, I want to live, I WANT TO LI—" *PUNCH*

"Hey, stop beating my subordinates! If anyone's gonna kill them, it's me!" *THUD* "Son of a bitch!"

"Don't chip my nails! AHHHHHH!"

"Not the face, not the face! I'm too good looking to die!" *THUD* "He keeps kicking me in the dick! Why!? Why does he keep kicking me in the dick!?"

Church blinked her eyes slowly, taking in everything she had been told. "So, he essentially beat the living shit out of the Reds without breaking a sweat." 'He probably wasn't even trying when he did it, either. Jesus fucking Christ.'

"Yeah, that's about right." Tex smirked and reached for the bottle of whiskey. Normally, Church wouldn't hand his prized liquor over to anyone, regardless of who they were. But Tex was a special case. No one got between her and the alcohol of her desire if they wanted to live, so rather reluctantly she handed it over.

Tex poured herself a double shot and knocked it back, smacking her lips. "Ah, that hit the spot. Good choice, Church."

Church rolled her eyes and sighed. Yep, this was something was very familiar with. Tex usually drank her liquor cabinet dry and then she'd either sleep with her or beat the shit out of her. Usually some weird fucking mix of the two. They were both masochists.

"Aw, don't be so cold, babe. I'll be sure to fuck your brains out." Tex winked suggestively. "I'll even let you choose whether or not to be on top this time.

"…is that sarcastic?"

"Eh, probably. You know damn well you're a submissive bitch."

"Like you haven't been the one begging more than once." Church crossed her arms with an irritated huff. "Bitch."

Tex merely clicked her tongue and glanced outside to see York on his way back to their base. The Freelancer was whistling a cheerful tune as he approached, looking no worse for wear. "Hey, Tex. I think they got the message. They're not going to be trying any more stupid surprise attacks anytime soon."

"What did you do, call their fucking parents?" Church asked, rubbing her shoulder as Tex punched her. "Hey! The fuck did I do!?"

"Don't be a bitch," Tex returned dryly. "Otherwise, I'll make you my bitch."

"Too late." York smirked. "You are completely fucking whipped."

"Called it!"

"Shut the fuck up Tucker. Fucking jackass. And go take a goddamned shower. I can smell your ass from in here."

"Hey, I gotta work out to keep my body nice and sexy for the ladies," Tucker said with a grin, walking in. He was completely shirtless and he flexed in a bad attempt to show off for them. "All the fine ladies are gonna love this."

"I'm a woman and somehow I don't feel any luckier," Church shot back. York and Tex snickered at that.

"I said fine ladies, not traps."

"…I'm going to give you five seconds to run before I do murderous things to your asshole. Or, I can let Tex do it. And that'll be a mercy."

"What are you going to do, Blue Tits? Get her to destroy my home movies folder?" Tucker grinned. "I have backups of them, you know."

Church then thought of something. something devious, awful, and definitely cruel enough to warrant her execution on every planet in the galaxy. But it would so be worth it. 'Fuck it. He's an asshole and deserves it.'

"Hey, Caboose?" she asked with as much fake sweetness as she could muster, trying not to let venom seep into her voice at the mere thought of the person responsible for her current predicament of being a woman. "I think Tucker needs some help. Think you can…assist him for me while I tend to some urgent business?" Tex winced and whistled in pity.

All the color drained from Tucker's face and he started to run. "Nope! Fuck this! I'm out, dude!"

Tucker began to scream five seconds later as gunfire from Caboose's assault rifle began to spray behind him.

Tex shook her head and looked torn between being appalled and being impressed. "You are evil. You're worse than the fucking Director."

Church could only chuckle and enjoy the chaos unfold.

A/N: And there we go. So, with my NaNo event coming to a close (and still terribly short of my goal for the month), I'm going to try and at least get this fic into Season 3 by the end of summer. Think I can do it if I'm smart about it. We'll see.

C. Strife#5371