A/N: So, what excuse do I have for my delay? None at all XD. Just been lazy as fuck with writing lately and need to desperately get back on track.

Paradox Effect

Summary: Dying sucked. Dying and being killed by the same teammate again? That sucked even more. Dying and being thrown back into Blood Gulch as a girl? That REALLY sucked. Now, Leona Church will have to put up with Tucker's perverted looks, Caboose's stupidity, and worst of all, Tex's laughter…

*Chapter 14*

Once the gunfire and girly screams from Tucker had died down, Church looked back at her girlfriend. "So, what do you think we should do?"

"Well, first things first, we have to deal with a few certain idiots on our team," Tex replied with a bit of a scowl. "I don't know if you've noticed, but Doc isn't exactly an asset to the team, is he? The only good thing he's managed to in his entire stay here is get Omega out of my head. That's it."

"Hmm." Church stroked her chin. "Think we could send him off to the Reds?"

"…I like the way you think." Tex let out a chuckle and rubbed her hands together. "Perfect. Gets rid of Doc and keeps the Reds occupied for some time. Win-win situation if you ask me."

"Hey, I never agreed to this!" Doc protested. "I'm valuable, I swear! I can help you!"

"Oh shut up, Doc." Church rolled her eyes. "You gave Caboose a fucking back rub after we shot his toe off. How the hell was that supposed to help him out?"

"I gave him orange juice too!" Doc said indignantly. "That has to account for something!"

"You're right, it does," Tex agreed. "It accounts to you being a dumbass."

"Ooooooooh gottem!" Tucker yelled from inside. Tex instinctively reached for a grenade that didn't exist and she let out a growl of frustration when she realized that her explosives were all in her armor.

"Sorry babe. No murder for you today." Church smirked at her girlfriend's despair and frustration. "So, how are we going to get the Reds to come all the way back here after York beat the living shit out of them as payback? I doubt they're that stupid."

Just as she said that, some really awful Spanish music started to get louder and louder. "Wait, what the hell is that music!?" 'Oh son of a bitch.'

She could only recall one other occasion she heard that music before and it was when two of the Reds attacked her and Tucker prior to her first death. "Ah shit. Never mind. They're already here."

Church was definitely not in the mood to be dealing with this bullshit today. Not when she had been prevented from getting laid. Again.

With an irritated grumble she got up and started fitting her armor back on with some 'help' from Tex. By help, she of course meant getting a good feel of her ass.

"Really Tex? Is now the time for that?" she asked exasperatedly as her girlfriend once again smacked her ass for shits and giggles. "We're under attack from the idiots known as the Reds and you're trying to get a feel?"

She really didn't understand her girlfriend sometimes.

"Hey, if we get killed, I at least want to get one or two good feels in." Tex winked at her and tossed her a magnum. Three direct headshots were all that were needed to take down an Elite with full shields. It was fitted with a 2x scope and in the hands of an expert could reach out and touch someone.

Church caught it and fastened it to her thigh before picking up her preferred weapon. She had been practicing her aim with the sniper rifle, or at least attempting to whenever Tex wasn't trying to bed her, and had definitely seen some improvements in her aim. She wasn't by any means a master marksman, but she could at least hit a target or two.

Provided the targets weren't on the other side of the fucking canyon. She wasn't a Freelancer.

"Come on; let's go deal with these fucking morons before I have an aneurysm." She rolled her eyes with a huff and stormed outside, firing her pistol into the air when she saw the Reds outside the base with their assault jeep.

"What the fuck do you assholes want!?" she yelled. "I'm really not in the mood for this bullshit right now!"

"We want to negotiate your surrender! Before we kill you for the glories of the Red Team!" Sarge yelled back.

Church rolled her eyes and motioned for Tex to pick up the heavy explosives lying next to the base. "Do me a favor. If he opens his mouth again, please make him blow up."

"With pleasure." Tex cackled and picked up the rocket launcher.

"Why the fuck would I want to surrender!?" Church asked.

"Because you're outnumbered!" Simmons replied.

"Bullshit, dude! I've got a chick with a rocket launcher!"

"Also, if you recall, we already had to surrender to that tan asshole on your team! That makes it your turn!" Simmons added.

Church sighed and motioned for her girlfriend to fire. "Please for the love of God make him shut the fuck up before I kill him."

Tex fired her rocket launcher and the Reds ducked for cover behind their jeep. "SON OF A BITCH!"

The rocket hit the jeep and sent it skyward, falling in a heap of metal. Sarge wasn't pleased with the destruction and glared at the black Freelancer. "Hey, come on! We've still got payments on that thing!"

"Oh shut the fuck up!" Church fired her sniper rifle at him, narrowly missing his head. "You blew up my fucking tank with a goddamned airship!"

She still wasn't forgiving them for that one.

"Look, asshole, I've got a lot of fucking bullshit to deal with at the moment and really, really don't have time for this!" Church growled impatiently. "Can we postpone this shit for another day!?"

She didn't actually have anything planned apart from getting laid. She just really did not want to deal with another migraine caused by the other inhabitants of this shit canyon. Not today at least.

"Then surrender now so we can speed it up!" Sarge wasn't going to budge.

"The fuck do you want? Want a prisoner?" Church asked in exasperation.

"That seems fair." Sarge nodded and pointed at Doc hiding behind York and Tex. "We want that purple guy!"

Church smirked and glanced over Tex, who groaned and reluctantly slapped a five credit chip into her hand. "Sounds like you owe me dinner."

"Oh fuck you." Tex kicked the dirt with a grumble and shoved Doc over to the Reds. "Enjoy being on the Reds now."

"Wait, I'm not a prisoner! I'm a medic!" Doc protested. "Y-you can't do this!"

"Sorry. Can't hear you over the sound of your complaining."

"Oh you guys suck!"

"Shut up Doc."

"Assholes…can't we just get rid of this negativity with some yoga?"

"Doc, I swear to God, if you make one more fucking suggestion, I will kill you," Church threatened. "Now go. And don't ever come back here under any circumstances."

Doc looked like he wanted to object, but Church took aim at his crotch with the rifle and he started to plod over to the Reds. "Fine…"

"Haha! A beautiful day for the Red Army!" Sarge cackled and thumped the depressed medic on the back. "Welcome aboard!"

They all climbed into their semi-intact jeep and drove off towards their own base, leaving them alone, and Church turned to her girlfriend. "So, how long before they try and bring him back?"

"I say…a minimum of two days." Tex grinned.

"I'll take those odds."

She may have lost out on some action thanks to the Reds, but still. It could be worse.

She could be like Doc right now.

A/N: So, I think it's time for shit to get even weirder and paradox-y. How? Well, Doc's gonna get Multiple Personality Disorder and go nuts after Tucker hears 'Blue Command' talking to the Reds, and then all the fun shit in RvB Season 3 and 4 gets to happen.

See you soon!

C. Strife#5371