A/N: Hey all, here's chapter 16. Got a new job with a bit more flexibility in my schedule. I miss being able to write multiple fics and be able to update a few at a time…

Paradox Effect

Summary: Dying sucked. Dying and being killed by the same teammate again? That sucked even more. Dying and being thrown back into Blood Gulch as a girl? That REALLY sucked. Now, Leona Church will have to put up with Tucker's perverted looks, Caboose's stupidity, and worst of all, Tex's laughter…

*Chapter 16*

Church looked through the scope of her sniper rifle, frowning. Tucker was beside her and she gave him an annoyed look. "Dude, I don't what the fuck you're talking about. I didn't hear shit."

"I'm telling you, I heard four shots!" the aqua soldier insisted. "They went, 'Bam', 'Bam', 'Bam'!"

"…that's only three."

"…'Bam'…"

Church rolled her eyes and looked through the scope of her rifle again, peering out onto the Reds' side of Blood Gulch. She still couldn't see anything, but she did hear a very loud explosion. Smoke started to rise in the distance, presumably from Red Base, and she lowered her rifle. "Well…shit. Something's going on over there."

"Like what?" Tucker asked.

"I don't fucking know, why the hell are you asking me? If I knew, I wouldn't be wondering what the fuck is going on with you, dumbass!" Church snapped.

"Goddammit, I hate not being able to use the fucking sniper rifle!" Tucker moaned. "Such bullshit!"

"Oh my god, stop fucking complaining about every little goddamn thing!" Church rolled her eyes again and glowered at her teammate. "Why are you such a fucking whiner? Are you still pissy that I won't sleep with you despite your best attempts? Which, by the way, are completely shit?"

"Hey, those are my best pickup lines!"

"Yeah, and they immediately kill my sex drive the minute one comes out of your mouth."

Tucker winced at the harsh tone from his leader. "Fuck, don't gotta be a bitch about it. Is it that time of the month for you or something? Shit."

"Yes, asshole." Church let out a frustrated growl. "And I have to fucking wait until we get our next supply drop tomorrow before I can actually have what I need! Fuck having the body of a girl sucks!" When she found herself to start bleeding from between her legs, she was both horrified and really pissed off. Tex had been Tex about it. Which meant she was absolutely no help at all and merely cackled when she heard Church yelling about blood coming out of her snatch. Rotten bitch.

"You weren't complaining last night when you were sleeping with Tex," Tucker reminded with a playful jab in the side.

"I didn't have blood coming out of my fucking crotch, asshole." Church took a swipe at him with the butt of her rifle, only narrowly missing his head. Tucker ducked under it with less than an inch to spare and part of her was impressed he managed to avoid it. 'I guess the beatdowns York's been putting on him are starting to work out after all. And here I was thinking all Freelancers were assholes.'

Then she remembered York giving her a subtle smirk when he noticed her limping out of Tex's room after a frenzied lovemaking session. 'Never mind, I take it back. He's an asshole too. How many assholes do we have in this fucking canyon, anyway?'

She was willing to bet everyone would raise their hands at once. She was surrounded by assholes. At least she could order the ones on the Blue Team to go shoot at the Reds if the mood took her. 'And I hate them. I hate all of them.'

'…okay maybe I don't hate Tex, York, or that one guy who offered me beer three weeks ago.'

"So, Tinkerbell—"

"Tucker, I swear to God, if you fucking ask me what the Reds are doing, I'm going to let Tex use your asshole in her next science project." Church could feel her need to raid the base's liquor stash increasing the longer she stayed outside.

"…I wasn't going to ask that. I was going to ask if you smell that," Tucker replied sheepishly. "Something fucking stinks dude and I doubt it's your snatch blood." Church was gonna kill him if he made one more period joke.

She peered over the edge of the cliff and saw the body she used to have, still lying on the dirty ground with flies surrounded it. The stench of rotting flesh made her gag even through her helmet filters and she glared at him.

"Dude, what the actual fuck? You didn't bury my body!?"

"The fuck do we look like, gravediggers!? We don't even have a fucking shovel to bury that old body of yours!"

"You could've called command and asked them to send out a ship to pick it up and send it back to Earth to be with my family, you jackass," Church snapped with a growl. "Or my other loved ones."

"But you're not dead, you rotten bitch. And what the fuck are you complaining about? You've got a new much hotter body now," Tucker pointed out, motioning to her chest. "I don't know about you, but I sure as fuck wouldn't be complaining if I've got the body of a girl instead of being dead. Seems like being alive is a hell of a lot better."

"Wait until your period comes, then say that. Right now, death is looking pretty fuckin' desirable," Church muttered irritably.

"Oh my God, would you two just shut the fuck up and kiss already!? You're giving me a headache!" an achingly familiar voice snapped from below.

Tucker and Church froze and looked at each other. "Dude…did you hear that? That sounded…that sounded like you. Before you became a chick that is."

"Bullshit." Church shook her head. "That's fucking impossible."

"Oh, you better fucking believe it, bitch," the voice snapped. Church sighed and looked back at the base, keying Tex and York on the comms. 'Oh there is no way in hell they're going to believe this bullshit. I'm going to need more than that whiskey tonight.'

"Hey, uh, guys? We've got a problem."

"Damn fucking right you do!"

For once in her life, Church really hated herself. "For the love of God, shut the fuck up. I'm not drunk enough to deal with your bullshit. York, you there?"

"Read you loud and clear. Sounds like you've got quite a problem. I'll be there in five."

"Thanks," she breathed. "Nice to know someone around here isn't a total assh—"

"By the way, Tex and I drank your whiskey. You didn't need that for anything, did you?" Church could imagine the shit eating smirk he wore on his face.

"MOTHERFUCKER!"

A/N: This…was way more fun to write than it should have been XD. I hope you recognize the subtle movie reference (free internet cookies to those who guess right). Also, been wondering…should we have a spinoff series with FemChurch and Tucker? XD

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