A/N: Chapter 17! I'd love to spoil absolutely everything, but I was told that if I did, I'd get a grappling hook shot at my crotch. Sorry, but that shit sucks XD

Paradox Effect

Summary: Dying sucked. Dying and being killed by the same teammate again? That sucked even more. Dying and being thrown back into Blood Gulch as a girl? That REALLY sucked. Now, Leona Church will have to put up with Tucker's perverted looks, Caboose's stupidity, and worst of all, Tex's laughter…

*Chapter 17*

Leona Church had seen some strange shit in her life. She'd been blown up by a tank, shot in the head, and turned into a girl all in the same day. She'd seen Tex beat someone to death with their own skull. She watched York punch a member of her team through a window with ease.

But seeing the male version of herself appear in front of her as a ghost, and a really asshole-y one at that? That took the fucking cake. 'No way. No fucking way. I refuse to believe I'm actually seeing this shit. Am I drunk or just suffering from heat exposure?'

She pinched herself to see if that was the case. 'Ow, fuck!' Okay, she was (sadly) sober and in perfect health. If she could ignore the blood coming out of her crotch.

The male version of her glowered at her, seemingly very pissed off. "Come the fuck on! I get fucking killed by my own teammate and this shit happens!? I apparently turned into a fucking chick!?"

At least the 'Church is an asshole' part was familiar to her.

"Yes, dickhead," Leona snapped back, her hands on her hips as she scowled at the white figure. "And for the record, asshole, I didn't exactly ask for this. You apparently split from me."

"Oh fuck off, Blue Tits." The ghost snorted in annoyance and didn't seem too impressed. "I didn't ask to be fucking shot at by a tank or have myself reincarnated into a fucking girl!" Okay, maybe he had a legit reason to be a little pissed off.

"And not only that, but now you're fucking my girlfriend, too!?" Never mind, she took it back.

"Hey, asshole," Leona growled. "I'm the one who got blown up. You split from me and became a separate entity. Or you already were one to begin with. Either way, quit your goddamn bitching." 'Was I this annoying as a guy? Fuck, I'm starting to feel a little bad for Tucker and Caboose. Damn I am an asshole.'

She fucking called it. Surrounded by assholes. 'Goddammit this fucking canyon sucks.'

"Oh really!? Then why does your date of birth say…wait a fucking minute, you're not even in the goddamn records for Command!" Good God, hearing her old voice was actually making her understand why Tex dumped her in the first place. He really was annoying.

"Look, Church—"

"Oh don't you fucking start, Tucker!"

"I just wanted to ask a question before the tan nerd ruins the moment!" Tucker put his hands up defensively, but Leona could practically see him smirking under his helmet. "If you two ever fuck, does that count as incest or masturbation?"

After a pregnant silence Leona pulled the bolt back on her rifle and aimed at him. "Five."

"Come on, it was a joke!" Tucker pleaded.

"Four."

"Calm down, gorgeous!"

"Three." Leona made sure her ammo counter was full. Yep it was.

"Is it too late for me to give you flowers for Valentine's Day?" Tucker asked hopefully.

"Two." Leona took aim.

"Oh come on!" Tucker groaned.

"One." She fired at him just as he started to run, narrowly missing him.

"SON OF A BITCH!" Tucker ducked and nearly tripped as he tried to avoid the shots from his very pissed off leader. "Come on, you could actually hurt me!"

"That's what I'm going for, jackass!" Leona yelled, firing at him again. Tucker dropped to the ground and didn't move for a few seconds, covering his head, and a very concerned York came by with his shotgun in hand.

He looked at Tucker on the ground trying to make himself as small as possible, then at Leona and the ghost Church. He let out a sigh and approached her, shaking his head. "I'm not drunk enough for this, I swear…"

"The fuck is that supposed to mean!?" the ghost Church yelled angrily.

York glared at him. "It means I don't have time for this petty bullshit. But I don't exactly have a choice so there's no point in me complaining about it. Especially since I'll have to do it later anyway."

He took a seat on a nearby rock and looked at Leona. "How much of your past life do you remember?"

Leona lowered her rifle and chewed her lip, thinking. "I…I remember the Human-Covenant War. I remember seeing aliens attacking human colonies and me signing up, but instead…I was stationed here for some reason. I can't remember too much until Captain Flowers showed up and explained to me that I was a new recruit and he'd train me. After that, it's as clear as day. Why?"

"I thought so." York stood up and looked at the two Churches. He gestured to her first. "You were originally a body made to house him." He pointed to the ghost version. "And he is not a ghost. He's actually the artificial intelligence program assigned to Project Freelancer."

"Wait a second…are you fucking telling me—"

"He's the Alpha. He's an AI."

"You're fucking stupid, dude," the ghost said irritably. "I'm not a fucking computer program. I have fucking memories!"

"All AI do." York shook his head. "You're a copy of someone else. More specifically, you're an AI made from a clone of Dr. Leonard Church, the Director of Project Freelancer. This whole little 'Red versus Blue' war is nothing more than a simulation program designed to train Freelancers. Don't you find it a little too convenient that both sides are evened out in a stalemate? Or that Doc wore purple armor and helps both the Red and Blue armies?"

"…oh you've gotta be fucking kidding me." Leona groaned and felt the headache. She wasn't sure if it was from the information dump or her period, but she was inclined to believe it was some fucked up combination of both. 'No way. This whole war is nothing but a lie? We've been here just to be cannon fodder!?'

"Afraid it's all true. I could have Alpha—"

"Church. My name is Church."

"…I could have Church here pull up every last file related to the Freelancer project to prove it to you back at base," York finished with a glare at Church as he was now calling himself.

"What do you suppose we do about him? If he is such an important AI, then we can't exactly leave him in a rotting carcass." Leona wrinkled her nose in disgust. 'Even though I'd love to. Man, other me is an asshole.'

"I heard that, you bitch."

'And apparently he knows what I'm thinking now, too. Fucking beautiful.'

"Well, you two seem to be very well acquainted already." Leona could feel York smirking. "So…"

Leona took one look at her AI self and sighed in despair. "Oh you've gotta be fucking kidding me. No. Nope. No fucking way. I will live out the rest of my life in a cave before I put him in my head."

"I'm not exactly thrilled about that either."

"See? You both agree on something already." York laughed lightheartedly. "Come on, Leona. You're making progress here."

"No, we agree on something else too." Leona scowled.

"And that is?"

"You're a fucking asshole." Church growled.

"Hey, I'm not even the worst one. I'd argue that I'm the nicest one in this canyon," York objected, pretending to be hurt by the false accusation.

"That's not exactly an achievement considering your competition," Leona shot back. "Pretty much everyone in this fucking canyon is an asshole."

"Dunno, that Doc guy seemed pretty nice." York tapped his visor as if he were pretending to ponder on that thought.

"HAHA YOU FOOLS! TASTE OBLIVION!"

Leona, Alpha, and York watched in shock as Doc zoomed by them in a weird purple vehicle with a rocket launcher in hand. He fired a single rocket at Tucker and the aqua soldier flew through the air before falling in a heap. "Son of a bitch!"

"Tucker!" Leona sprinted over to her teammate to check if he was okay. He was lying on his stomach and he groaned in pain. The visor on his helmet was cracked and some of his armor was smoldering, but he was at least alive. "Shit, are you okay?"

"Ughhhhh…that guy, Doc…" Tucker groaned.

"Yeah, he shot you."

"No…he's a fucking asshole. Kill him for me…"

"Trust me, Tucker, I fucking will," Leona promised. "If anyone's gonna kill you, it's me. Not that dickhead."

"Wait." York stopped her, putting his hand on her shoulder. "We can't leave Church behind. Take him with you."

"And how am I supposed to go about doing that?" she asked dryly.

"Didn't Tex do the operation on you after you had sex last week?" York pointed out. "You should have neural implants to house an artificial intelligence unit—"

"Dude, all I'm hearing are words that would get me beat up in high school," Tucker mumbled from his spot in the dirt. Leona responded by prodding him in the side and he groaned in pain. "Owww…I wanna die…"

"Oh shut up, you'll live." York let out an unimpressed snort and looked back at Leona. "Like I was saying, you should be able to put Church in your suit if you got the implants."

She looked at the AI version of herself and sighed. "For the record, I'm really not too thrilled about this."

"Neither am I," Church said with a growl. "But if this means we can go after that prick, then fuck it. Besides, this rotting carcass isn't exactly a nice home."

"No shit." Leona rolled her eyes and kneeled down next to her old body. She lifted the head and yanked out a small chip from the back of the helmet before sliding it into her own, repressing a shiver as Church entered her mind.

"Huh…you've got a lot of strange thoughts in here, I must say," Church remarked. "Way more than I expected. You're confused sexually? How is that even possible?"

'I don't fucking know, maybe because I turned into a girl and got back together with Tex after I got Omega out of her head?' Leona thought back. 'This shit is confusing as fuck, but all I know is that damn this body is sensitive. I can feel everything.'

"Ugh. Spare me the details." Church groaned in mock nausea and she turned around when she heard Spanish music approaching her. She'd know that music anywhere. It was the fucking Reds, AGAIN.

"For…this better be good." Leona aimed her rifle as they approached in their jeep and stopped in front of her and York. Sarge hopped out of the passenger seat with his shotgun in hand and let out a growl.

"Blue. Did that Doc guy just speed past here?" he asked.

"Yeah. And he shot at my teammate." She jerked her thumb towards the motionless Tucker. "Don't get excited; he's still alive."

"Really? Well I could fix that—"

York pumped his shotgun.

"By leaving him with a harmless princess in pink who will be more than happy to babysit him," Sarge finished. Holy shit, he was actually scared of York, even if he'd never admit it out loud. Leona couldn't blame him.

York was way too nice of a guy for the amount of ways he knew how to kill people.

"So, where did he go? He took Lopez with him," Sarge said. "And I am not having someone steal away the only tolerable one on the team and walking away unscathed."

Leona shrugged. "Dunno. He was heading towards Blue Base for some reason. He's not going to find anything there except a lot of pain once Tex is through with him." She was more than confident her girlfriend would beat the living shit out of Doc with one hand behind her back despite the medic having a rocket launcher on him.

"Um, Leona? Doc just went through the base's teleporter and disappeared. I think he's heading your way. And he fucking shot me."

Or maybe not.

Leona let out a frustrated sigh and tried to ignore her implant burning thanks to Church being annoyed. "Well, great. Any other good news while we're at it?"

"Two things. One: he apparently rigged the teleporter so he could be anywhere now. Two: fucking kill him for me. As painfully as possible too." Well, great. Tex wouldn't be going anywhere until she recovered enough and Tucker was also down. At least she still had York for company. 'Still someone tolerable to talk to. Not a complete shitshow yet.'

"I heard that, you bitch." Church hissed in anger.

Leona rolled her eyes. It was going to be a long day.

A/N: And that does it for this one. I should probably get some sleep now…*crashes at laptop*

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