A/N: Hello all and welcome to chapter 18 of this glorious crack. This chapter, we get to have fun with the wonderful teleporters and the Blood Gulch crew ending up in random-ass places for shits and giggles xD

Paradox Effect

Summary: Dying sucked. Dying and being killed by the same teammate again? That sucked even more. Dying and being thrown back into Blood Gulch as a girl? That REALLY sucked. Now, Leona Church will have to put up with Tucker's perverted looks, Caboose's stupidity, and worst of all, Tex's laughter…

*Chapter 18*

With a few of the Reds and York behind her, Leona made her way back across the canyon to Blue Base. Her sniper rifle was in her hands and she tried to ignore the burning from her implant in the back of her head. Church was being an asshole as per the usual, but good God he needed to quit making her head feel like it was on fire.

"Can you fucking stop already!?" she hissed under her breath. "I get it; you're pissed off!"

Church's response was to make it burn even hotter.

Leona growled and for a moment was tempted to yank the son of a bitch just to make him to shut up. He would definitely bitch at her relentlessly for it, but at least she wouldn't have him in her head. Plus she could always just mute her armor's speakers and operate on just their team's private communications channel.

"Don't even fucking think about it," Church hissed in her head. "Yes, I can tell what you're thinking. Jesus fucking Christ, you're actually worse than Tex."

'No, you're just an asshole,' she snapped back. 'Maybe if you pulled your fucking head out of your ass you'd see that.'

"Oh shut up. Bitch."

'Dick biscuit.'

Yep, she definitely was not going to enjoy this. AIs were supposed to be nice, like Delta. Instead, of course her luck being as terrible as it is she was stuck with the one AI that was an asshole through and through.

'Seeing as he's a copy of the Director, I honestly cannot say I am surprised that he turned out to be a dick.' As she approached her base Tex came wobbling out, part of her black armor ruined with a large crack in her shiny visor. "You look like shit."

"You should see the other guy." Tex laughed weakly, her helmet falling off of her head. It landed in the sand and she groaned. "So, can you be a sweetheart and buy me dinner? I'll pay you with a good time."

"Later. I need to find Doc so you can kill him." Leona cracked a smile and ignored Church's fake retch. "But don't worry, you'll get laid when I'm back with his body. Feel free to blow it up using Sheila. She's still sad about not getting much action." Why their tank was named that, she didn't know. She was just going to blame Caboose and call it a day.

When in doubt, blame the biggest idiot in the canyon.

"Okay, so we both agree that Caboose is an idiot. Well, one more thing we share in common I suppose." Church let out an annoyed huff and Leona could see him crossing his arms. "Apart from thinking York was an asshole for suggesting this and sleeping with Tex, of course."

'Hey, it's progress.' Leona tried not to smirk a little. 'Just don't call me your sister and we'll get along just fine, Church.'

"Fine with me. By the way, your girlfriend is staring at your tits."

'That's nothing new. You should've seen her when she first saw me like this.'

"Spare me the fucking details." Church groaned. "I think I have a new motto for life. Every woman is bi. You just have to figure out if it's bisexual or bipolar. In Tex's case, it's both."

'I worked that out on my own, funnily enough. Though in fairness you gotta give her some credit; she has been doing a lot better since her AI got terminated.' Leona shrugged. 'And really? That's your new motto?'

"What, you got a better one?"

'Yeah. There's a fine line between not listening and not giving a shit. I like to think I walk that line every day of my life.'

"…that's pretty good, actually. But I think I'm sticking with my new one," Church said. "Now are we going to fucking do something or are we sitting around twiddling our thumbs?"

'Yeah, yeah.' Leona rolled her eyes and gave Tex a hug. "Can you keep an eye on Tucker with that pink idiot over there?" She jerked her thumb back towards Donut, who was trying to encourage Tucker to fight through the agony he was in. "Don't worry; he's completely harmless. And an idiot."

"So are about ninety percent of this canyon's inhabitants," York pointed out dryly. "That's not exactly saying much."

"Shut up York." Leona scowled and ignored him. "Anyway, he shouldn't be a threat. But if he does try anything funny, don't hesitate to get Sheila to make him blow up."

"Sounds like a good date. I'll be sure to repay you later," Tex purred.

Leona could only roll her eyes. She really did not know how the hell she dealt with her girlfriend sometimes.

"Now you see what I had to deal with," Church said with a groan.

'Oh please. You were completely fucking whipped. Interesting memory of her pegging you, I have to say.'

"I thought we said we wouldn't fucking talk about that!"

'I never agreed to anything. Choose your words more carefully next time.' Leona smirked triumphantly. "Alright, we'll go in pairs. Sarge, you go with the idiot Caboose. Simmons, you and York. Grif, me and you. Try anything funny and I swear to God I'll kill you."

The fat orange (gold? The fuck color armor was that, anyway?) soldier merely huffed and blew out a cloud of cigarette smoke. "Not my type. But whatever, sure. Let's just get this over with…"

"Alright. Tex, you think you and Sheila can keep everything under control here?" Leona asked.

Her girlfriend chuckled and raised a magnum. "Trust me, if push comes to shove, I can kick that pink fucktard's ass."

"Good to hear."

The Reds and Blues assembled on top of the base, ready to go through the teleporter, and Simmons went first with York. "Fuck man, I hate this." York only blew a kiss back to Leona and Tex, the blue armored woman glad the helmet hid her blush.

"N-next!" She coughed to regain her composure.

"Yeehaw!" Sarge leapt through with a cackle, dragging Caboose along with him. With any luck, Sarge would murder him in five minutes. She could only pray.

She looked at Grif, sighing. "You ready?"

"Sure. Let's just get this over with. I have a few beers back at base I want to drink."

Leona rolled her eyes and shoved him through it, following him.

When Leona appeared on the other side of the teleporter, the first thing she noticed was the fucking cold. Wherever they were, it was absolutely freezing and she shivered in her armor. "Church, do me a favor and turn on the heater. It's fucking cold."

"Um, I don't think that's our biggest problem right now," Church replied uneasily.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"Look around." Church vanished and Leona looked around. She wondered why the hell Grif was silent and not complaining.

They had appeared in front of a giant fortress in the snow and were now surrounded by twenty heavily armed soldiers. All of them pointed assault rifles and shotguns at her and she sighed while Grif whimpered in fear.

"Well fuck me."

A/N: And that does it for this one! Next up, Caboose and Sarge in Beaver Creek, York and Simmons in the weird teleporter system, and Leona and Grif bitch about being prisoners XD. See you then!

A Lovestruck A2#5371