A/N: So, back again. And with more of the RvB silliness. Remember Crunchbite? Or Crunchasaurus? Honk-Honk? Or whatever the fuck his name is.

Paradox Effect

Summary: Dying sucked. Dying and being killed by the same teammate again? That sucked even more. Dying and being sent back to Blood Gulch as a girl? That REALLY sucked. Now, Leona Church will have to put up with Tucker's perverted looks, Caboose's stupidity, and worst of all, Tex's laughter…

*Chapter 43*

Finding Caboose was not at all a difficult task, as Leona soon found out. Using what remained of her reasoning and logic, she immediately went towards the facility's main generators. She ignored the giant windmill moving incredibly slow and sighed when, as predicted, she found Caboose lying face-down on the floor of the power plant's engine room. Or whatever the hell it was called. She didn't care.

What she did care about was why the hell her teammate was unconscious and had a bitemark on his arm. "What the..." The aggravated and exhausted captain of Blue Team gave her unconscious teammate a prod with her foot and Caboose rolled over onto his back with a groan. Leona leaned over him and gave him another prod to wake him up. "You okay?"

"Ow..." Caboose mumbled, rubbing his sore arm. "Oh, hello Scary Blue Lady."

"Close enough." Leona let the name go. She was used to being called various different names by her teammates. Scary Blue Lady was Caboose's name for her. "What the hell happened here?"

"I...don't know," Caboose answered. He sat up, rubbing his head. "I remember seeing a big, blue...thing. And then it bit me."

"You saw a big thing?" Leona was so glad Tucker wasn't here.

"It was slimy and had lots of teeth," Caboose added helpfully.

"Kinky." Leona smirked and helped him up to his feet. "It wasn't won over by your looks and vast intelligence?"

"I think I need a tetanus shot...where's that purple doctor?"

"Not here." Leona fished around in the medkit strapped to her thigh and went to give Caboose a quick jab of painkillers when she saw the creature. It was hideous, big, and blue. Just like Caboose said.

What he didn't mention was how bad it fucking stunk. The reek coming from it made her gag and the syringe dropped from her hands as she clutched her throat. "W-what the fuck!? TUCKER!"

Five seconds later, Tucker appeared and was just as confused.

"You screamed, Leona?" he drawled sarcastically. He stopped once he noticed the smell and he choked. "Ugh! The fuck is that stench!? Is a skunk juggling dead hamsters in here? It smells like old yogurt!"

"Honk!" the alien growled.

"Did you eat and then throw up a can of trash?" Tucker asked snidely, completely ignoring the fact that they made contact with an alien. "Jesus fucking Christ. The hell are you two doing down here?"

"Dealing with this," Leona sniped back, gesturing to the alien in front of them. "Think it can understand us?"

"Honk."

"Don't even start." Leona glared. "You're not helping. Can you understand me?" She slowed down her speech and emphasized each word in hopes that maybe they could actually communicate. The answer shot down those dreams fairly quickly once the alien's four jaws moved.

"Honk honk. Blarg honk. Honk honk blarg honk."

"I don't know if that means yes or not," the blue-haired woman said with a groan.

"Give it up," Tucker advised wisely. "You can't communicate with an alien based on guesswork. Their language might be entirely telepathic. Or via smells. Ugh."

"Well if it's via smell, then you should be fluent in the language already, you fucking jackass." Leona rolled her eyes.

"Honk," the alien chimed in helpfully.

"Shut the fuck up; you're disgusting." Leona felt her hair turn grey. "Let's try this again. I'm Leona. That's Caboose. This is Aqua McMasturbate."

"The fuck!?"

"Caboose calls you that. Don't ask."

"Blarrrrrrrrrrrg!"

"Your name? Nameeeeeee?" Leona prodded.

"Honk honk."

"Your name, asshole. Not 'honk honk'. Nameeeee?"

"Honk honk."

"Nameeeeee?"

"Just keep repeating it, Blue Tits. I'm sure it'll understand eventually." Tucker rolled his eyes.

"Honk honk."

...

"Okay, I give up." Leona sighed. "All this dude says is 'Honk Honk'."

"You ever think that his name might be 'honk honk'?" Tucker suggested dryly.

"Blarg?" The alien looked at Tucker expectantly.

"Please. That's ridiculous. The fuck kind of name is 'honk honk'?" Leona scoffed. The alien turned to her after and it hit. "Wait. Is your name 'honk honk'?"

"Blarg," the alien confirmed.

"Holy shit. Blarg if that means yes."

"Blarg."

Revelation time. This was a decisive victory for Blue Team. They had made contact with an intelligent alien species. Now, it was time for diplomacy. "Tucker, how hard would it be to teach the alien how to speak our language?"

"Uh, there's thousands of languages on Earth. Which one?" the aqua-armored pervert asked.

"The fuck do you think? Teach it English." Leona scoffed. "If it works, awesome. If not, oh well, blow it up. I don't care either way."

"Huh. So that's why you loaded Caboose's gun with crayons instead of bullets?"

"No, that was to stop him from killing me again. Because if he gets me killed a third time, I gotta say, I'm going to be a little pissed off. Just cut the crayons to make it easier." How hard could it be? They even had cardboard signs nearby. Tucker, being Tucker, decided he would write the first words for the alien to learn.

Tucker

Money

Give

Give Tucker Money

"Okay, you know how I said this would be easy?" Leona asked in despair. "I was wrong. There is no way in hell this is going to work."

"Please, people learn English all the time. It can't be that difficult." Tucker snorted dismissively. "Hey, you got a knife or something? I need to cut these crayons down. They keep jamming Caboose's gun."

"Dude, that's a weapon. Go ask Tex." Leona scoffed.

"NOOOOOOO! I NEED THAT FOR A DATE!" Doc's pained wail echoed throughout the base and both Leona and Tucker shuddered. They didn't want to think about what kind of torture Doc was going through. In hindsight, it was probably a bad idea to leave their mentally unsound medic in the hands of two special agents who were not above torturing someone for information. It was in their job description.

Sort of.

Fuck it, not her problem.

"Yeah, I'm gonna pass on that one."

"If you need to cut something, why not use that sword you found?" Leona suggested instead.

"Oh right. Duh." Tucker pulled out the hilt of his newly found sword and ignited the blade., preparing to cut the crayons into more usable pieces. Unfortunately, the alien heard the ignition of plasma blades and looked over with a curious blarg.

"BLARG!" It jumped Tucker in an instant and began wailing on him with its clawed hands, forcing the poor perverted soldier down onto the ground.

"Holy shit, either that thing really hates your sword, or it just hates you!" The blue-haired woman cackled and took a step back to observe the beatdown her teammate was going through.

"Owwwwwww! Get this fucking thing off me!" Tucker's cry for help was muffled thanks to him currently eating dirt and he tucked himself into a ball to prevent his manhood from being crushed.

"Wait, this might be a good way to see how these things fight." Leona activated her helmet camera to start recording, purely for research purposes and not at all blackmail. "So, hold still. For science."

THWACK! THWACK!

"Not the face, not the face!"

A/N: Yep, the alien is here. And poor, poor Tucker. He always seemed to get clowned on despite being the most competent out of the Reds and Blues. I know it's not saying much considering his competition, but still. He could make a good soldier. He's just lazy about it.