A/N: Can't be bothered with a long note. Tired and in dire need of coffee. Good coffee that can chase away stress.
Paradox Effect
Summary: Dying sucked. Dying and being killed by the same teammate again? That sucked even more. Dying and being sent back to Blood Gulch as a girl? That REALLY sucked. Now, Leona Church will have to put up with Tucker's perverted looks, Caboose's stupidity, and worst of all, Tex's laughter…
*Chapter 46*
If Leona was writing an autobiography and had to pick the most fucked up part of her life so far, she would have picked her ass getting killed by the same teammate twice. Finding out she was a meatbag for an AI was pretty damn close behind, but only because life so far for her was turning out to be a joke with no punchline. Leona had discovered that her tolerance for bullshit and fuckery went beyond normal means (If she were any less a paragon of patience, she would've long since smothered Tucker in his sleep), but communicating with an alien using a bomb as a translation device?
This took the fucking cake.
Church felt the same way.
"We finally make contact with an alien species, and our first attempt at communication is going to be through a BOMB!? Am I the only one who sees something wrong with this!?"
Leona sighed and wished she had some coffee to kill the headache Church's irritation was inflicting on her. There were soldiers who actually volunteered for having another voice in their head? Crazy bastards, all of them.
"Oi! You took me along for the ride! I would be perfectly happy spending the rest of my years asleep without a care in the world."
To be fair, she never claimed to be completely sane either. Everyone involved with the Freelancer program was messed up. Seemed like it was a requirement.
Leona ignored Church's grumblings about how this entire situation was stupid and they were all going to be killed, walking over to the generators inside the power facility. York was crouched down with his toolbox on the floor next to him and a wrench in hand. Caboose was asleep facedown some ten feet away and Tucker looked like he was run over by a Warthog. The alien that was responsible for beating the shit out of him was still honking angrily about something Tucker either did or had, and the aqua-armored soldier put himself as far from it as possible.
"You look like shit," Leona offered helpfully when he came over to stand by her. "You sure you don't need Doc?"
Tucker stared at her.
"Ah. Right. Never mind. What the hell does York think he's doing?"
"Building a bomb," Tucker deadpanned.
"Yeah, I know that. But does he?" Leona asked. "Somehow, I don't think this is going to end well."
"What was your first clue?" Tucker fired back with incredible sarcasm.
"You're snippy today."
"I just had the shit kicked out of me for no reason and our supposed Freelancer buddy is building a bomb that is going to be more than capable of blowing us all up. I also got thrown through a teleporter because Caboose is a fucking idiot!" Tucker groaned and massaged his sore ribs. "So yeah, I'm a little pissed off. And that thing keeps staring at my legs. It's pretty weird."
"You sure it isn't admiring your glorious calves?"
"Considering it was beating my ass ten minutes ago? Yes. Yes I am sure."
Leona sighed. This was going to be a long day and she didn't have coffee. "You think Tex is fine?"
"Why ask me? We don't hear any girly screams of pain, so it means she hasn't killed Doc yet. I say that answers it."
York suddenly stood up, radiating the sort of pride one feels when they pass a test of their abilities. On the floor blinking ominously next to his ankles was a small brown sphere, and he waved the two of them over. "We're all finished! Bring the alien too."
Tucker and Leona shared a look and walked the Walk of the Damned. It felt longer than it had any right to, each step filled with an increasing sense of dread. Self-preservation instincts honed by training sessions with Tex and York told her to calmly accept whatever the hell was going on. Being incinerated would mean she wouldn't have to deal with this shit any longer and on the plus side, Caboose wouldn't survive either.
Totally not bitter about being killed twice at all.
The alien came over, growling angrily at Tucker, and he wisely chose to stand closer to York once they were all gathered around his communicating bomb. Leona eyed it with the suspicion it deserved, one hand reaching for the sidearm on her hip. "Alright, so we're all here. Let's get this over with."
"A girl? The fuck are you gonna have, a crying contest?"
Leona stared at the bomb.
"Hey, look! The dickhead is here with her! Come again for another beating? It must be 'asskick o'clock'."
Leona blinked twice, sighed, and looked skyward for salvation. "Great. First minute of its existence and we find out that it's a fucking asshole. Wonderful construction, York."
"It's a bomb. Do you want to be polite, or do you want it to translate? As for the voice, I can't do much about that. The power supply is built into it. So yeah, it can talk." York looked bemused, as if he expected it turn out any better. Well, they weren't blown to smithereens yet, so it was better than the alternative.
"Is it too late to say this is a bad idea?" Leona asked in despair.
"Unless you've got your English-to-Blarg-Blarg Dictionary, you don't have much of a choice, Blue Bitch."
Leona closed her eyes, counted to ten, and prayed for sanity.
"Blarg. Blarg blarg. Blarg honk."
"He says he's pissed off," the bomb translated.
"No fucking shit." Leona and stared at York, eyes flat. "Are we paying for this service? If so, I want a refund. If not, I want a refund anyway."
"Let him do his job," York shot back.
"Honk blarg honk honk blarg blarg honk."
"He says he came here for a certain something, the teal one took the thing, and now it's gone."
"Teal?" Tucker asked, offended. "I'm not teal. Teal's out. I'm aqua."
"The thing he's looking for is the sword and it's right there!" Leona pointed to the sword Tucker took off his person to prevent his ass from being kicked a second time. The dual energy blade was ignited, leaning against the fence keeping them away from the facility's generators.
"Blarrrrrrrg!"
"It only works in the hands of a hero. To anyone else, it might as well be broken."
"How is it broken!? The sword is literally ignited right now!" Leona groaned.
"Test it then," Tucker challenged.
Leona looked at the sword, then turned back to the alien. Sweat beaded on her brow, and she chose the wiser option. "You know what, I'll just take your word for it."
"Honk blarg. Blarg honk, honk honk blarg honk blarg blarg honk."
"And now since you took the sword, you have to go with him on a quest."
"Fuck off, dude." Tucker scoffed. "Sorry to ruin your day, but I'm not going on a grand adventure."
"Blarg blarg. Blarg blarg blarg honk blarg."
"If you don't go, he'll destroy the facility and kill everyone here," the bomb finished.
Leona and York already went to grab Caboose off the floor, the former patting her teammate's shoulder as she backed away. "You know what, an adventure sounds like great fun."
"I don't know. I like the killing everyone option." The bomb laughed.
"Besides, you're not going alone either." Leona ignored the bomb to preserve what precious little sanity remained.
"You're coming?" Tucker asked skeptically. "On what is essentially a suicide mission?"
"Ha! Ha!" Leona said the words instead of actually laughing. "I'm not getting killed for some alien's bullshit."
"York?" Tucker was hopeful.
"Sorry, my imaginary friend is having an identity crisis," York lied.
Tucker choked on air and his eyes widened in horror as he realized who that left. "No. No fucking way. I'd rather die."
Leona shoved Caboose towards him with a Cheshire smile and Tucker screamed internally. He was so fucked. The dumb Blue tripped over nothing and fell at Tucker's feet, who made no effort to help him up. "You're sending me with Caboose!? The fuck is wrong with you!?"
"What do you mean?" Leona asked innocently. "I saw an opportunity to get rid of Caboose and I took it. There's nothing wrong with me."
"But York-!"
"Is busy," Leona said. "Didn't you hear him? As captain I have to pay attention to my subordinates' mental health." She pulled Tucker closer in what he might have jokingly called a romantic gesture if it weren't for the fact that she would sooner kill him than date him. "Ditch this quest shit as soon as you can and meet back up at base. I'm obviously going to send someone else to back you up if things get messy, but I don't want it to know."
"Tex?" Tucker whispered.
Leona nodded. Her girlfriend would love to go get lost in some grand adventure instead of dealing with Doc or the Reds. She needed a vacation more than anyone.
"Alright. We'll try and lose Caboose on the way." Tucker laughed weakly. He really wasn't looking forward to it and Leona couldn't blame him. Who the hell would want to be alone in the wilderness with naught for company but an alien, a talking bomb, and Caboose? It sounded like the secret formula for insanity.
"Right. Good luck then. Remember to change your underwear and bathe regularly. Tucker, that goes double for you."
"The fuck do you mean? I'm the cleanest one here."
"It goes double for you since you're in charge of Caboose."
"Bitch." Tucker groaned.
"Honk blarg," the alien grumbled.
"He doesn't wear any pants," the bomb translated needlessly.
"Yeah, we kind of noticed." Tucker stared. Leona did too. It was kind of hard not to. "If we meet any people on this quest, that might have to change."
"Ah come on man, it's not that bad. Free balling! Commando!"
"Let me put it this way; I felt less threatened when Leona was looking at just the sword." Tucker sighed.
Leona coughed and averted her treacherous eyes, her cheeks burning. "I was just, ah, admiring his..." She had to stop and think of something that wouldn't embarrass her for the rest of her life. "His alien muscle structure."
"Yeah, one specific part of his muscle structure." Tucker's gaze on her was very flat.
"Well, now that's just a matter of penis..." Leona's cheeks burned hotter and she quickly corrected herself. "I mean opinion! Opinion."
"Smooth." Tucker snorted.
From the floor, Caboose wept fitfully. "You told me it was another arm..."
"Blarrrrrrrrrg!"
"Hey Caboose. High-five!"
"I don't want to do that anymore..." Caboose sniffled, curling into a ball. Leona felt an unusually powerful pang of pity for the man's innocence being eviscerated before his very eyes. No one deserved to suffer the fate of giving an alien a handjob unknowingly.
"Please tell me you didn't do it bare-handed..." Leona groaned. No, she was not thinking about doing that herself.
"No..." Caboose pulled himself up, though his head was still bowed with shame. Tucker was never going to let him forget it.
"Then wash your hands. You'll live." Leona pulled him to his feet and patted his back. "For now."
Tucker sighed.
Tex had given up trying to interrogate Doc and instead was handing him a cup of what smelled like motor oil even though it was coffee. The most unpleasant tar-like sludge in existence sullied the name of coffee. Leona shuddered. She wouldn't wish that stain upon anyone.
"Where's Tucker?" Tex asked.
"We found an alien in there. I'm not recounting everything, but he picked up a sword the alien was looking for, York built a bomb to help us communicate with it, and now Tucker and Caboose are off for a grand adventure to help the alien. I don't know the details; all I know is I'm not interested in it."
"A quest?" Tex perked up. "There's usually something good at the end... did they leave yet?"
"No not yet. Caboose is washing his hands and wailing about how a bomb fooled him. Why?"
"No reason." Tex vanished into thin air, activating her active camouflage unit. "You and York will be fine on your own, right?"
'Hook, line, and sinker.' "Sure. What's the worst the Reds can do while it's just us? It's the Reds."
If only she knew just how much she'd come to regret that statement.
A/N: Tucker, Caboose, and Tex are off for an adventure. York and Leona plus Doc are headed back to Blood Gulch. The Reds didn't do anything wrong in their absence. Nothing at all.