It was a few days after the dance and Carly had spent the last few days stuck in her own bubble. She hadn't been enthusiastically wrapping presents like she normally did or decorating the tree with Spencer, Sam, and Freddie.
Sam and Freddie and even Spencer wanted to do everything in their power to help cheer her up and get her mind off of it.
She had told Sam and Freddie the night she had come home from the dance and they had agreed to help her, they just needed a plan. Carly was experiencing anxiety induced insomnia.
She had always been an anxious person, though her anxiety made her seem uptight at times. But the pregnancy and Ruthie situation had exacerbated it and she had no energy during the day.
"Hey Carls, Spencer is bringing up the Christmas ornaments from storage. We're just waiting on you, kiddo."
Sam barges into Carly's room and bounces down onto her mattress. Carly was lying against the headboard, notebook in lap as she scribbled down her ideas.
Most of the pages had been notes from the pregnancy book Mrs. Benson got them, along with baby names she liked because Freddie still hadn't told her what his contribution was but she wanted to write something.
The page she was currently on though was a rough draft, which felt like the fiftieth one she had made. She didn't want to stop, she needed to figure this out. Preferably before the baby came.
"You guys can start without me. I'll join you when I'm done." Carly dismisses, not looking up from her page.
"Cmon Carls, it's Christmas Eve. It wouldn't be the same decorating without you. It's tradition."
"Some people don't even have traditions. Their traditions are surviving."
"Okay, I know you're worried about Ruthie. We are too! But you can't let that take you away from enjoying the good things too. If you spend all your time worrying about her, you're gonna miss out."
Carly sighs, growing a bit exasperated and feeling a little misunderstood. It was easy for Sam, she wasn't having a baby nor helping take down Nevel. She knew Sam wanted to take down Nevel as much as she did, but it sure felt like she wasn't as into this situation as she was because she wasn't pregnant.
"I can't just stop, it's not that easy to stop worrying Sam."
"I'm just saying, I think you need a distraction. And we can help you. You've got a lot on your plate, let us help you carry the load instead of trying to do it all on your own. Please, come downstairs."
"Fine." Carly groaned, snapping shut her notebook.
Carly slides her slippers on before standing, grabbing onto the side table as her vertigo takes her over. As she grips the table the notebook falls open, coincidentally landing on an open page of baby names.
"Of course. I can't keep a secret to save my life." Carly thinks, remembering the grading incident that they wouldn't let her forget.
"Baby names? Amira, Sarrisa, Talia, Riley, Amelia, Eleanore, Aurora, Megan, or Millie? Is it a girl?" Sam concludes.
Think of something Carls, you can't break this promise. You owe it to Freddie to feel involved in making decisions and he really wants this.
"What? No! It's way too soon to tell. It's just a hunch based on a prediction from a few fans that I met in the street that wanted to give me a psychic reading."
Sam raised an eyebrow, noting Carly's anxiousness to move past it. Carly had felt guilty she almost blew her promise over a simple mistake and she hoped Sam would respect her eagerness to move along.
"Well you better start the boy list in case that janky prediction doesn't come true." Sam finally teased.
She wasn't sure Sam bought it but she didn't seem too suspicious nor too invested because the notebook was already closed and on the table. Sam yanked her arm, pulling her to the staircase and bringing her downstairs. Carly anxiously readjusted her robe, pulling the strings more firmly around her waist.
The living room was bright, bulbs strung over the entrance of the kitchen and doorways and Christmas music playing softly from the radio.
"Wow Carls!" Freddie warmly greets her, looking up from the box of decorations he had been sorting through.
"Is it the Christmas lights, or are you glowing?" He flirts and she rolls her eyes playfully.
Sam fake gags from behind the tree, disgusted by them both and their childish banter. No married couples flirted like that. Or maybe it was that she had never been around a happy married couple.
"Dig in!" Spencer invites them as he sets the bins of decorations in front of the tree.
Carly got lost in the decorating, hanging every bulb and ornament where she felt it should fit, and even smiled when Spencer showed her his collection of hand made ornaments Carly had made as a child from school.
In the middle of taking a break, Spencer made cups of hot cocoa with peppermint sticks and handed each of the teens a Santa hat that they would later decorate for a coolest hat competition.
The night passed, the moon rising and reflecting the snow, making the ground twinkle. There was a certain peace that Carly felt around Christmas time, even in all the darkness she had felt surrounding her lately.
"I think that does it, we just need the star." Spencer finally concludes, pushing the box of decor to the side.
"Wait!" Freddie interrupts, racing back to his satchel.
He dug around, pulling a small red and green wrapped box out of it. He handed it to Carly and he read his sloppy lefty inscription on the paper.
"What's this?" Carly infers.
"Just open it." He insisted excitedly, his eyes growing.
Carly shakily unwrapped it, feeling three sets of eyes on her. She opens the box, pulling out a glass ornament with three little people on it. One is holding a star and the other a sombrero, and there was a baby between them. She furrowed her brows, confused. Her face demanded an explanation.
"I don't know if you remember our conversation a while ago, but I told you I wanted our baby's name to have some meaning that represented us both. And this ornament is hopefully the first of many family ornaments we will add to our tree. It symbolizes us."
Carly stroked the little man's hat that was part of his body curiously. How did this relate to her baby let alone Freddie?
"What does the sombrero mean?" Carly wondered aloud.
"What does any of this have to do with the baby? Or her name? It is a "her", isn't it!" Sam interrupted.
"You guys know the sex already?" Spencer pipes in.
She felt horrible; It was supposed to be a sentiment but the moment was ruined by their curiosity. This should have been private. Freddie felt horrible and so did Carly. She ruined their secret and technically so did Freddie.
"The sombrero," Freddie continued, "Is because of my presumed Hispanic roots and random Spanish speaking abilities."
"Seems problematic to me. Like cultural appropriation." Sam chimes in, and Freddie rolled his eyes.
"And the star is you. You're the center of it all, an Internet star."
"As if I'm not part of iCarly too, Benson?" Sam adds again.
"Let me finish!" He snapped and Carly nervously laughed. "I want our baby's, no matter what sex they are, to have something that represents us both."
"So is it or is it not a girl?" Spencer wonders facetiously.
"We don't know." Carly lied quickly.
"The name is, as far as you know, gender neutral." Freddie implies, knowing darn well it wasn't true.
Carly smiles, holding onto the ornament and feeling the glaze over it with her thumb. It was perfect. It was representative of her little family. She turned it around to admire it and she saw it there, inscribed on the back: Our first family Christmas.
At an even closer look, she saw three names. Hers and Freddie's, and the baby name Freddie liked. Carly thought it was meant to be a sweet sentiment, but it was tacky. He had put the name on there without asking her.
Now she felt obligated to name her. She of course was up for suggestions but this made it feel permanent. She didn't have to, it wasn't a commitment, but it sure did feel like peer pressure.
"We can always get it redone if you don't like it." Freddie sheepishly offers, seeing the look of uncomfortable surprise.
"I mean I'm happy to hear your suggestions, but this was a little out of pocket, Freddie. I would have loved to discuss it first." She replied in minor offense.
"I mean, you promised you'd like any name because it had meaning to me." He whined.
"Yeah, but that wasn't permission to give the baby that name, let alone print it on an ornament!" Her voice raised, becoming argumentative.
"Carly, you're acting like I've just signed the birth certificate." He scuffed.
"Picking a name is a huge deal, Freddie! And I don't like that you went ahead and decided for me without discussing it first or hearing what I had to say!"
"It was supposed to be a nice gift. I'm sorry Carl's, I'll get it changed." He insists.
"That's not the point. You don't just get a gift made with the baby name you like on it and then claim you can change it whenever. You could have saved yourself trouble and just written "baby" on it!"
Carly was almost shouting now, her voice breaking and feeling on the brink of tears out of frustration. Spencer could see her fighting the tears and the tension growing thick, making it a bit awkward.
Why would he have gone ahead and made an ornament for them if they hadn't officially decided yet? It seemed tedious to get it changed and it had almost felt to her like manipulation to use that name he liked.
If he hadn't intended to use it, why would he get it on an ornament? She didn't care that it wasn't permanent, it was still weird for him to go ahead and do it. He could have just as easily gotten "baby girl" etched into it.
"In my defense, you sorta broke our first promise about the sex." Freddie finally argued back and her heart broke.
"You're unbelievable Fredward!" Sam had interjected, ready to swing her butter sock at him.
"I mean, the pregnancy makes it kind of obvious about the having sex thing." Gibby chimes in and they all whip around, burning him a look.
They all were quick to realize he had been standing in the corner, tangled in some Christmas garland. But they were so invested in the argument no one had dropped anything to help him now. He seemed to be doing fine as a background character of sorts anyways.
"They were talking about the sex of the baby." Spencer informed him, slight disgust in his voice.
Carly felt as though he had stuck a dagger in her. She had never seen him so emotional and argumentative, and now he was jabbing her with facts to get back at her out of anger.
Anything to deflect the blame. She thought he was different. At the end of the day they were both teens full of emotions and hormones, but the little affirment was enough for Carly's emotions to make her rethink everything.
Maybe they should have broken up earlier. This is what she feared, right? Them resenting each other, growing too serious too fast? She knew in the back of her head she was overreacting. They were going to have arguments.
They were emotionally immature, as young. Maybe too young to have this baby after all. It took a village, but what if that village was falling apart at the roots?
"I just wanted to feel a part of this pregnancy. To feel like I had a contribution since you've done so much heavy lifting." Freddie confesses, his tone changing.
Carly didn't say anything. It felt like he was guilt tripping her but she also thought he sounded genuine. But she had done her best. She took him to appointments, she wanted him to be involved.
At the same time she had a bad habit of pushing people away. Did he feel she wasn't reciprocating his feelings? Or was he just projecting his own problems on her? His own issues with his dad that now he wanted to be overly involved with his own kid. Or maybe she was just overthinking, and it wasn't that deep.
"Freddie, it's getting late. Why don't you head home and get some rest, kiddo?" Spencer finally suggests, and Freddie surrenders.
"Okay," He whispers, slightly ashamed.
Carly was shaking from her hormonal rage and in the midst of it all she had dropped the ornament and it broke. The glass was scattered at her feet and Sam grabbed her arm, pulling her back cautiously from the wreck so she wouldn't step on it.
"I've got it, Carls. Go rest, take care of yourself." Spencer turns as Freddie lets himself out, listening to make sure the door latches behind him.
"No, I wanna finish the tree! That one argument isn't gonna kill the vibe. Where's the star?"
Carly wiped her arms on her Christmas robe, demanding that they finished. She had wanted the night to be perfect, but that was foolish. The least they could do is continue the tradition and let nothing get in the way. This would be Carly's last Christmas before the baby and she wanted things to feel as normal as possible.
She wanted to soak in these times like Sam had said. She wanted to hold on to her chohood traditions for a little while longer. Of course she could pass them on when the baby got here, that was if they kept the baby. If they kept the baby they'd probably start new traditions. But she didn't want to think about the ifs right now.
"You got it, Carls?" Sam asked, holding the chair as Carly stepped on it.
"I'm pregnant, not broken." She snapped and Sam laughed.
Once the star was on the tree they all smiled. Spencer put his arms over the girls' shoulders and hugged them. Another soft Christmas song played, the one about the Christmas tree and it was all in perfect time.
"Merry Christmas, kiddos." Spencer cheers.
"Merry Christmas." They echo.
-XXX-
"Sam? Do you think I was too hard on Freddie last night? Did I overreact?" Carly worried aloud, sitting up in her bed.
"Ughhhh, no, go to sleep." Sam groaned, feeling as if she had never been truly asleep.
The clock by her bed read 2:39 am. Carly had yet to fall asleep as she had been replaying the events of two nights ago in her head. Sam groaned from the floor, rolling over and rubbing her eyes as the moon hit her face. Sam had known Carly wasn't asleep, she heard her tossing and turning all night.
Sam crawled off the floor that she had found more comfortable than rocking in the bed every time Carly turned. She crawled back in bed again and retrieved her pillow, yawning.
She stretched out her stiff limbs and pulled up the covers, facing Carly. She could only make out the outline of her face in the moonlight, but she could see she had been crying again.
"You have the right to be upset. A name is a huge part of a person's identity. It should be something you both discuss if you're going into this together." Sam finally validated.
Carly sighed, dissatisfied with that answer. She knew it was a team effort but she still felt guilty. He did have good intention, poor execution. His heart was in the right spot but he hadn't thought it through. The thing that got her was him accusing her of not being inclusive. She had been closed off but she was doing her best.
"How did your mom think of your name?" Carly began conversationally, deterring the subject off of her fight with Freddie.
"Dr. Seuss." Sam replied sleepily.
"Aw, did she read to you in the womb?" Carly cooed.
"No, she craved green eggs and ham and there was a character named Sam."
"Oh. That's sweet, I guess? How did she get Melanie then?"
"Melanie was my dad's rich sister who my mom hoped would help her after we were born and dad was gone. I guess my mom secretly wished that honoring her would get her some of the inheritance. Instead, it got our aunt a bus ticket out of 'crazy town'. She's always had high hopes for Melanie anyways, and that's the only time she was disappointed."
Carly was thoughtful. She hated that he had assumed that he could name her by imprinting it on an ornament. Or maybe it was that he was just trying to do a sweet thing. He was trying his best. And she felt like he overstepped, but at the same time, he still was the father. But that doesn't excuse anything. She was just as involved. She should get a say.
"I feel just that he's trying to make up for lost time and be the father he never had."
"I think you're reading into it too much." Sam sneered.
Sam rolled over so that she was face to face with Carly, noting the shadows on her face and was able to tell she had been crying. She felt horrible that Carly had been trying to stifle her emotions. Sam used her sleeves to wipe Carly's face, and saw as the corners of her mouth turned up slightly.
Carly sighed loudly, Sam noting how raunchy morning breath was, especially since Carly had such bad reflux from pregnancy. Carly loved brushing her teeth, but pregnancy had changed that. It seemed like everything was changing quickly, and Carly was evolving as well as a person.
"No, hear me out! I think it definitely does have some kind of effect on how he wants to be. He's influenced by how his father was." Carly finally insists.
"That doesn't excuse his behavior. You can't make excuses, and he doesn't get to project that in you. His trauma is not for you to fix, he's not broken; However, what you can do is be there for him as he heals and encourage him."
"I mean of course I want to help him. Maybe I am reading into it too much." Carly surrenders.
"I don't doubt that he wants to be better, but it doesn't mean he gets to disrespect you by not having these conversations with you. You have a right to your feelings too and he has a responsibility to be a good partner to you. His issues with his father are not your responsibility to fix or take the blame for."
"What if I overreacted or was inconsiderate?" Carly repeated to herself.
"You might feel that way, but I don't think you did." Sam admits, "But this is a conversation you should be having with Freddie, not me. I'm here to give you advice and my opinion, but I can't fix your problems."
Sam was right: Communication was key. She needed to take this up with Freddie. She needed to ask him why he felt the way he did and talk to him about it. But she wanted to know what Spencer had to say. He was her guardian. He had to consult their dad for decisions when he could but for the most part he had done a good job when it came to their best interest.
So on a quest for a second option, Carly trudged down the hall, knocking on Spencer's door before gently opening it. It slightly took her back to the days when she had been just a little girl, looking for comfort after a nightmare.
"Spence?" She gently shook him.
"Carls?" He sat up, "What's got you up, Kiddo?"
"I can't stop thinking about my fight with Freddie." She informs him.
Spencer sat up, twisting the knob on his lamp on and stretching before patting the end of his bed. Carly sat, crossing her legs to face him. He handed her a bottle of water from the pack under his night stand shelf and she gratefully took it. He waited for her to finish sipping before starting.
"Carls, this is the first of many fights you're gonna have. You need to learn to communicate in order to be efficient at anything. Otherwise you are gonna end up in disrespect and resent each other one day."
"I know. It seems so insignificant, but I just thought a name was something we should pick together."
She picked at her cuticles anxiously, noting that she had already bitten her nails down to stubs. Her hands were dry and her eyes looked weary. She had been up all night worrying and she hoped talking to her big brother would help. She takes a shaky breath as she waits for him to answer.
"Don't minimize your feelings Kiddo. However, a conversation is gonna help make it a lot easier. Sometimes you need to meet in the middle with a conclusion you both like. Right now it's baby names, but when she grows up, the problems are only gonna be more serious and she's gonna need you both to be there."
Carly finishes her water to Spencer's surprise, feeling water slosh around in her stomach. She was insanely thirsty lately, more so than when Spencer took those allergy pills.
The instant regret and nausea chased it, Carly wondering if she'd pay for her decision to slam the water in the form of vomiting.
"Sam said once that it's better to have two separated, happy parents than two resentful ones who stuck around too long. But how are we gonna come to any conclusions if we can't even get along?"
"Carly, this was just one disagreement. It sounds like you feel he betrayed you and your trust a little, but this is fixable. It's an ornament, it's not permanent. And you can work on your communication skills so this doesn't happen. You can do what you want, you don't have to stay with him, but I do think you should think about it and have a talk with him first."
"You're right. I just would have appreciated it if he talked to me first instead of just going ahead and deciding on the name. I never gave him permission, I just said I'd be open to listen."
"I agree with you on that kiddo. And I think you handled it maturely. I back you on this."
"I mean, he should've talked to me. I appreciate the gesture, it was just poorly executed. I think I made it clear how I felt. I just maybe need to ask him how he feels because it sounds like he had some negative emotions."
Carly suspected that he had some of his own things that were masking themselves as negative feelings towards Carly. He grappled with not having a father growing up and she felt like he had an unrealistic idea of how it should look because he wanted too much to make everything perfect to make up for what he didn't experience.
"And you think maybe he's projecting?" Spencer implies.
"I think I've been more than inclusive in involving him in this baby's life thus far. It sounds to me that he's got insecurities. I don't know why he thought this was okay but I do know I should ask him why he feels this way so we can figure it out."
"I think that sounds like a good plan, kiddo." Spencer yawns. "Talk about it first and listen because assumptions can't lead to understandings without communication."
He was right. She was jumping the shark a little bit and only seeing a small picture with the worst possible scenario. She tended to imagine the worst outcome and shut down in order to protect herself.
But if she and Freddie couldn't communicate before the baby was born, how would they make it work for the bigger things? This was important to her and it seemed like he was feeling the same way, but she wouldn't understand why until she talked to him. She should have had this mindset when she was ready to break up with him four months ago.
"Is there something else worrying you?" Spencer implied when Carly hadn't spoken in a while.
Yeah, Ruthie ran through her mind constantly. She needed his help but she was afraid to ask. She would constantly gas light herself, thinking that everyone would think she was crazy for wanting to help a stranger. But it wasn't crazy, she needed help as much as Carly did to take down Nevel.
"Um I- I'll tell you after Christmas." She yawned incoherently, leaning sideways on the bed.
Carly rolled over, snuggling her head into the pillow. Spencer was for sure that she was asleep despite the anxiety having kept her up, but he was wrong. It had finally drained her enough to put her to sleep because she couldn't fight it anymore.
"Spencer?" She mumbled wearily.
"Yeah Kiddo?"
"Can you make me Christmas sugar cookies? You know, the circle ones with the tree stamped in the middle?"
Carly curled up in a ball, snuggling the blankets under her chin and nestling in. She was consumed by the warmth and didn't want to move, but her stomach rumbled, nausea ailing her.
"Now?" He was surprised.
"Mmhm. Please! I'm really hungry and those sound amazing. With cream cheese frosting like mom's."
Spencer laughed. This would be the first of her many cravings and honestly Spencer was relieved that she wanted something to eat other than crackers and water because she had been extremely picky lately in fear of triggering her sickness. Hopefully she could keep this down too.
"Sure thing kiddo." Spencer chuckled to himself.
It was less than a minute later and Carly had fallen asleep before she had the chance to head back to her own bed. Spencer crawled out of bed, lifting his sister and placing her on the other side of his bed. He tucked her in and then snapped off the light , grabbing his own throw blanket and heading for the couch.
Spencer grabbed his keys off the hook, planning to leave first thing before she woke so he could buy the cookie dough. He also had his pillow and a blanket in tow to sleep on the couch.
He laughed to himself about how crazy pregnancy was and though teen pregnancy wasn't the ideal situation, he was proud of her. And he thought it was cute how she had begged for cookies only for exhaustion to take her over.