Chapter 71

October 2nd (con)

I can't focus, and I'm not tired enough to sleep yet…I'm still pissed at Ryuzaki and at this point all the names and dates on this file are blending together.

I need a break…but what do I do? Ryuzaki and Light are probably still working downstairs, but I just want to be alone…I don't want to bother them either…

I push my chair away from my desk and stretch my arms above my head.

Maybe I'll take a walk…the air might clear my head. I look out the window at the fading light. It'll be dark soon, but I won't stay out long. Just a walk around the block…or maybe pop into a bookstore for a bit. I think I saw one somewhere around here when I went out for coffee.

I push my chair out and stand, stretching again. I feel a few bones pop in my back and I sigh before grabbing my phone, wallet, and keycard off my desk.

Everything here is biometric so there's no need for an actual set of keys when I can get blinded by a laser for three seconds and unlock the door.

I look around my little apartment and sigh. Well I shouldn't say little, this place is massive. I'm mad at him, but it's so lonely up here by myself. I sigh again and as I leave, I grab my leather jacket Watari bought me off the chair, and make my way toward the elevators.

There are a couple sets of elevators; one will take me to a hallway with rooms and another set of elevators at the end. Those take you down to a few floors and to the glass stairs of the surveillance room. So, in the morning I just take those to go to work. Then, if I wanted to take the main one's I'd just walk right past Ryuzaki and Light and down the hall; Aizawa left via the main ones. The main ones go to every floor, but sometimes it's faster to take the stairs then catch them on a different floor or take a few different sets of elevators. There are also back ones that I call the secret elevators. They're probably actually staff elevators or freight. They're big so I can imagine using them to bring up a couch or something. There're a few elevators that only take you between certain floors and some of those are separate parts blocked off from the rest of the floor. Like into kitchens or special rooms Ryuzaki doesn't want the 'public' finding. Quite frankly it's confusing as shit. Due to habit, or me being a complete idiot, I get into the ones that take me to the glass stairs instead of just getting into the main ones. Any hope I had of leaving secretly vanishes instantly as the doors close.

. . .

As I walk down the stairs, I see that Light and Ryuzaki are still awake, the light from their monitors accentuates the bags under their eyes. Light turns to me as I pass by.

"Hi Suzuki, how're you doing?" Since any hope of sneaking out went away when I got into the wrong elevator like a moron, I sigh. I look at Light and he seems genuinely concerned about me, which makes this whole 'hating him because he was Kira' thing, that much harder.

It's so hard to hate someone when they're the complete opposite of when you first started to hate them…I hate Kira Light, but Pure Light…he's a gentleman and kind and it's kinda hard to hate the guy…and it's annoying…

"Hey, Light," I reach the bottom of the stairs and shrug, putting my hands in my jacket pockets. "I can't see straight; all those names and dates are blending together. Figured I'd take a break, maybe take a walk to clear my head…"

He nods. "I understand…be safe out there." I nod and put my hand on my belt buckle.

"I'll be alright, I got my spy belt on, and if anything happens, I'll sic Old Man Watari on them." I laugh and the computer dings.

"I heard that." Watari's voice comes through, catching me off guard and Light laughs, Ryuzaki doesn't even turn around, either he's mad at me or really focused.

"My bad…"

"It's quite alright, be safe Miss Matsui."

"Will do, see ya." I take one last look at Ryuzaki, who's still ignoring me, and then I leave.

. . .

I step out onto the sidewalk and look up at the sky. From the time I looked outside on my floor to now, clouds have started rolling in.

It might rain…

I pull my jacket taught and use my hands in my pockets to keep it closed. The October air whips at my face, my hair too, leaving me momentarily blinded. Despite the nip in the air, it feels nice and it's exactly what I needed.

I'm vaguely familiar with the area so I start heading right for no apparent reason. The sun is just at the horizon and with the clouds rolling in, it's getting really dark. As I walk, the streetlights start turning on and that plus the light of the neon's from the buildings, it becomes a little easier to see.

I'm about a half a block away when I feel the first raindrop, but silly me didn't think to bring an umbrella. I look up at the sky and let the rain fall down on my face. It's cold, but it feels kinda nice. I sigh and continue walking, my pace quickened.

I better hustle before it starts to pour.

No sooner do I think the thought then does the rain start coming down in sheets.

"Shit!" I start running, but in what feels like seconds, the front of my shirt is soaked. My jacket protects my arms and my back, but everything else is a lost cause.

Through the barrage of the rain I make out an alley up ahead, covered by an overhang, I duck into it. I'm out of breath so I put my hands on my knees to try and catch it.

Shit! Shit! Shit! That came faster than I thought it would.

I stand back up and brush my soaked bangs back, they stick to the top of my head but at least I can see now. I feel like I'm literally dripping wet, my shirt is clinging to my chest, my pants are doing the same to my legs and my poor boots feel like they squish when I take a step. I watch the rain pour down; it doesn't look like it'll stop anytime soon.

I could call Watari to come get me, I guess…

I reach in my back pocket for my phone, hoping it still works. Luckily my jacket is long enough that it blocked the rain from soaking it. It lights up as I take it out, illuminating the ground around me. My eyes lock onto a box to my right labeled 'Free Kittens'.

What the hell?

I kneel down and shine my light in the box, it has a bunch of rags inside, but for whatever reason I start rummaging through it, lifting one rag after the other. I'm about to lift another when it suddenly moves. My heart starts to pound, and I find myself hoping it really is a box of kittens and not some raccoon nest or something. It really would be my luck though to find a box labeled 'Free Kittens' with a bunch of raccoons inside.

Please don't be a snake, please don't be a raccoon, please don't be a snake…

I hear a small squeak as I lift the rag off four sleeping kittens…well three sleeping kittens, one lazily raises its head and squeaks at me.

Oh my god…

As the kitten raises its head, I see that its eyes are closed. My heart stops for a second before I go into a bit of a panic. I look around, desperate to find their momma, but I don't see anything and based on how thin and dirty these babies are, she probably hasn't been around in a while. I put my hand into the box and pet the awake one's head. The others still seem to be sleeping.

"Where's your momma buddy?" The kitten feels cold to the touch and my mild panic raises to full alarm. "Oh man, you're freezing…c'mere."

I scoop up the little guy and hold him against my chest. My shirt might be soaked but my body is a better heat source than some rags and a box. I shine my light on his siblings who are huddled together but still have yet to move. All of them are black, but I don't know it it's from the dirt and grime or if that's actually their color. The one I've got against my ribs is practically vibrating now, but if he's shivering or purring, I'm not sure. He is however, making biscuits on me.

I feel terrible that I can't hold all four of them, but if I tried while squatting like this I'd likely drop one; I'd have to sit crisscross on the ground to be safe, but it's incredibly wet and I'm wet enough as it is. I stick the phone on the side of the box and have its light on the kittens before reaching in to pet one of the sleeping ones.

"Don't worry little one, I'll get help." The kitten feels ice cold and doesn't move, and I start to fear the worst. I shift the awake one under my coat to shield it from the cold and press my belts secret button.

C'mon Watari, call me…I pressed the button 'cause It's an emergency and I didn't want to risk you not picking up.

I look down at the shivering ball of fur I've crammed in my jacket. It just now occurs to me that he might be covered in fleas, but before I just knew he was cold, and I did the first thing I could think of. My phone starts buzzing on the box and I snatch it up.

"Watari?!"

"Miss Matsui, are you alright?" I look back at the kitten in my arms and then it's siblings.

"I was on my walk and I found a box of kittens and-" My voice cracks as I think about how small and helpless they are. "Oh god Watari, they're eyes are still closed, and they're so cold." I look back down at the sleeping ones all huddled together for warmth.

"Don't worry Miss, I was already on my way to bring you an umbrella, and I've got your location. Get ready to bring the box to the car, I'll be there any second." He hangs up and I don't want to put the little one back, but I do anyway. I take some of the more soaked rags out of the box and try to find dry ones to put around them. One of the sleeping ones move as I do, and my heart explodes with relief.

I pick up the box and as I do the Mercedes pulls up. Watari jumps out and opens an umbrella in one motion. I run to him hunched over the box the best I can to shield them from the rain. I get pelted until I'm under the umbrella, but the rain won't kill me, them on the other hand…

Watari ushers me to the passenger seat and opens the door, the car is warm, and I hear the roar of the fans as I get in. He shuts the door behind me, and I have enough time to put my seatbelt on before he reappears on the driver side and gets in, turning on the overhead light to peer into the box.

"Poor dears…Alright Miss, we're going right to the Veterinarian, hold onto that box." Watari turns off the overhead light and pulls away quickly, making my head hit the headrest.

He weaves in and out of traffic in a way I've never seen him do before, but it starts to make me a little sick, so I look down at the box. The sleeping kittens are starting to stir in the warmth of the car. I sigh in relief as the little survivor tries to scoot forward and falls over. I put my hand under his chin and he squeaks and moves his head against it.

Poor things probably starving…

Watari slows down and takes a right into a parking lot. I look at the sign and it says it's an Emergency Veterinary Clinic. He pulls into a spot by the door and turns off the engine. The rain hasn't stopped so he takes the umbrella and opens it as he gets out. Before I can even open my door, he's there doing it for me. We rush inside under the fire of the rain.

The woman at the desk looks up and her eyes go wide. I must look horrible in my soaking wet clothes and my wet box labeled free kittens. I'm probably leaving a puddle wherever I step, but I quickly walk up to her desk and she stands.

"Please…" It's the only word I can get out. She looks into the box and goes pale.

"Excuse me." She turns and runs through the door that leads to the back. I look up at Watari and I feel like I'm gonna cry. He must be able to tell because he puts a hand on my shoulder.

"It'll be alright Miss." I nod, but don't speak.

I sure hope so...

The woman comes back followed by two nurses. They both come around to me while the first woman stands at her spot behind the desk.

"Quickly tell me what happened." The nurse speaks and I look from the receptionist lady to her, noticing that she's wearing a coat and that she's the actual veterinarian.

"I um… was taking a walk and it started to pour. I took refuge in an alley and they were hidden under the rags. There wasn't a momma cat anywhere and with a box labeled 'Free Kittens'…they were probably abandoned…" I trail off and she nods.

"Did you touch them?"

"Yeah, I picked one up and held him against my chest to keep him warm until I could get help, but as you can see, I'm soaked so I don't know how much good it actually did. I also touched the head of one of the others and they were ice cold…" She nods again and extends her hands out as in indication for me to give her the box.

"You should go and wash your hands. We'll take care of them, they're safe now, you did well." I nod, reluctant to let them go. I'm worried sick about these little ones, but this is as far as I can go, so I hand the box over. The vet thanks me and leaves in a hurry, the nurse stays for a minute.

"As far as those kittens are concerned, are you going to take responsibility for them?"

"Yes." I don't hesitate. "Please do whatever you can to save them…" She nods.

"You should go home…They're young and will need round the clock care. Bringing them here was enough." She doesn't say anymore, but I can infer the rest.

Go home, they might not make it…Bringing them here might have saved their lives…I'm not telling you to go and prepare for them because they might not survive…But…I don't want to go home…I want to stay right here and I want to do more…I want to bring them home…

"Yeah…okay…" Suddenly I feel hollow. Like all the sadness, all the pain, burst from my chest leaving a hole in its place.

I'm upset obviously, but I'm worried and confused as to who would do this to such helpless creatures and that thought also makes me angry…and what if there actually is a momma? What if she was just away finding food and by taking them, I've doomed them. It'll be my fault now if they die…

I can't think straight so I let Watari guide me to one of the chairs. I sit down and put my head in my hands, my chest hurts, I'm so worried…

Please little guy…if you survive this…I'll spoil you rotten…

I hear Watari talking to the receptionist, but my overloaded mind can't process the words. He eventually comes back over and puts a hand on my shoulder. I look up feeling completely drained, but I guess holding yourself accountable for another creature's life will do that to you. The kittens and Ukita…who would have thought they'd ever make me feel this way…and I barely know-er knew them.

"Please Miss, let me take you home…" My mind is spitting out jumbled nonsense now so maybe it is best if I go home…They'll call me if anything changes…maybe.

I slowly rise to my feet and realize I never washed my hands. I look down at them, at my shirt, at the wet muddy mess it's become and sigh. The air comes back to fill my lungs but the pain, for some reason, is so severe that even breathing hurts. I look over at the restroom in the corner and slowly walk to it. Watari gets the message and takes a seat to wait for me.

I shut the door behind me and lock it. Everything from today comes flooding in; emotions I could normally control, hit me like a tidal wave and cause me to lean over the sink, my fists clench as I try and fail to contain the storm within. The tears come in huge droplets and I feel like I can't breathe as I try desperately to gasp for air in between my sobs. I try again to fight it, but it overtakes me, and I'm forced to ride out the waves.

I look up at the mirror as I try again to make it stop, make all of it go away, to push it back into that bottle, so I can continue with my life. My hair is still dripping wet and stuck to my head. My face has dirt where my hands were earlier. My shirt is soaked and sticking to me and covered in dirt and who knows what from the kittens and their box. My jacket is also soaked and since Watari bought it I'm sure it's genuine leather so I'll have to give it to him so he can try and save it.

I turn on the water and wash my shaky hands, then splash some water on my face to get the dirt off it. It doesn't make me feel any better but that's fine, I look a little cleaner and that's what the goal was. I take a deep, painful, shaky breath and finally succeed in turning everything off.

I'll be alright…

I dry my hands with a paper towel, look at my reflection one more time and leave. Watari stands when he sees me, and we head out the door.

. . .

I don't talk on the way home; I just stare out the window and watch the storm. My little panic attack has left me exhausted and I'm ready for bed now, but just because I'm tired doesn't mean I'll actually fall asleep.

We walk into the surveillance room and Light and Ryuzaki jump to their feet and run to my side.

"Suzuki are you alright?! What happened?" Ryuzaki grabs me by my shoulders and I just can't bring myself to look up at him. I stare at my soaked boots and the puddle I'm making on the floor. I know he's worried, but I just…I just can't.

"I'm fine…" I sigh and pull away, Ryuzaki doesn't fight me, he lets go and I head up the stairs to my apartment to take a shower.

The first thing I do when I get through the door is kick off my boots and strip down to my underwear. I leave everything by the door laid out so that if Watari comes looking for my nasty clothes he doesn't have to go far. All I want is a shower, I feel gross. I walk to my bathroom and turn on the water. The room fills with steam in a matter of seconds, I sigh, shed the rest of my clothes and step in, letting the hot water wash away the grime and sadness. I scrub at my hands with my loofa and scrub my body raw as if somehow, I could scrub away the pain.

I stand there red and raw as the water washes over me. I sigh again and quickly wash my hair, when all is set and done, I feel numb, but the pain lingers just below the surface. However, despite that, I feel warm and clean. It doesn't take long for me to throw some clothes on; a cami, and some black sweatpants. I walk into my bedroom and fall flat on my bed and close my eyes for a moment. I sigh and open them again eyeing my phone that's inches from my face. A small flame of hope appears, and I pick it up to check for word about the kittens.

'0 messages, 0 missed calls'

I sigh, the flame of hope flickering out, and slowly the exhaustion sets in and I drift off to sleep.

Hey guys, i wanna apologize if that was too sad or if Suzuki seems really out of character or if that seemed like she overreacted. Some shit happened IRL and i started writing to help me feel better and i kinda wrote how i felt. I don't know if you remember but a long time ago in another chapter i was talking to my cat Kiki in the authors notes and said that Suzuki might find a kitten, or that Kiki wanted her to...well she's since passed away but i want to dedicate this and the upcoming chapters to her. I miss her dearly and since she inspired me back then to do it, i'm gonna. Also sorry about how the chapter looks. I like having a completely different line for thought dialogue, but sometimes there's only a sentence between thoughts and it frustrates me to make a giant block. I'm trying to find a good in between but haven't yet.

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Reviews -

hateme101 - chapter 70 - i always hated this part. i found it so sad for some reason when he leaves

A- I'm not a super Aizawa fan, but i find it super shitty what Ryuzaki did to him there so i'm with you on that one. He had to choose between his family...and his family. It's also hard to watch him break down like that.

SweetGuess - chapter 70 - Awesome chapter, keep up the good work:)))

A- Awe thank you 3

I'll try to finish 72 as soon as i can, but i haven't started it yet. The IRL things over and fine now so i have different feelings for the chapter. So i was also making a list of dates so i can keep track of the book and...we're nearing the end...can you believe that? We've got a month until the 'end' and then a 4 year gap and then another year of sporadic dates and then that's it...and then an alternate ending chapter. I can't believe it...i wonder how long it will take me to write...I started this fic in 2017...and it's been like 3 years...well technically i started it way before that, but when i posted it it was 2017...but uh...yeah Comment/Review, Follow, Favorite, whatever lol see you soon-ish 3