Note - This chapter is a filler of sorts - It's short because it leads to a much longer next chapter. Thank you all for coming on this journey with me and for leaving such lovely comments and reviews. Have a great weekend everyone xx
It was 3.07am and Elizabeth had just tossed the covers off for the fifth time since crawling into bed only a few hours earlier. Between the persistent sickness and the vivid nightmares — Broken sleep had become her new normal. Her eyelids were heavy but the constantly whirring thoughts filling her mind were much heavier, the relentless turmoil taking its toll on her both emotionally and physically. She could almost feel the weight of it all on her slender shoulders and it was a weight she just didn't want to carry around anymore.
It had taken her so much courage to finally admit to Henry that she was in love with him, baring her soul in a way she never had before, because the truth was - She feared him! It wasn't a physical fear, how could it be! Henry was the sweetest, most loving human she had ever met. But, to her, he was a physical representation of all the paranoid illusions she had created around herself since the day her parents died. The night they were taken from her and Will, Elizabeth lost almost all fragments of hope she'd ever had. She couldn't imagine a life without pain and emptiness and everything seemed so pointless and unfulfilling — But then Henry happened. And as much as he was everything she had ever dreamed of and more - He was also the one thing that could shatter the minuscule sliver of hope she still clung to. He was heaven and hell all at once and by letting her guard down just enough to allow him to seep into her very being - He had hurt her beyond anything she already feared.
Elizabeth slid out of bed and wrapped herself in a blanket to shield herself from the darkness and autumn chill in the air as she padded through to the kitchen to find herself some sort of distraction. She reached for the coffee and then sighed - Even that couldn't be there for her anymore.
Elizabeth had become a coffee addict after her first semester at UVA. Up until that point, she had always loved the smell of it but couldn't stand the taste and a few sips was all she could manage before throwing the cup and its contents into the nearest trash. That was before she quickly learned that it was as much a part of college life as cheap beer from plastic cups, cereal for dinner and the desperate need for caffeine to stay awake long enough to finish a paper. Once her head and her taste buds concurred, it was a match made in heaven - or the local coffee shop at least.
But now everything felt wrong in the world! Just the smell of coffee made her run for the bathroom and she'd read far too many pregnancy books to know that caffeine wasn't the healthiest of choices for her or the baby. The only thing she could stomach was tepid water with a slice of lemon and if she was really lucky, it would stay down long enough for it to actually hydrate her.
The mug was abandoned on the kitchen side as Elizabeth grabbed a notepad and pen from the dresser and settled at the kitchen table. She had debated curling up on the couch under the blanket, but that would probably have led to her falling asleep which would in turn bring more nightmares about Private Lawrence, and there had already been too many of those over the past few weeks. So, with a blank page in front of her and pen poised and ready - Elizabeth took a deep breath and started writing. The words flowed onto the page with ease and by the time she had accomplished exactly what she'd set out to do, Elizabeth had an eight page letter all neatly written, addressed and ready to go. All she had to do now was summon the courage to post it.
With that done - She glanced around her silent apartment and then looked down at her ever growing bump. If anyone would have told her a year ago that she was going to put her career on hold and have a baby - She would have come to the conclusion that they were insane. But here she was, her hands resting on a tiny piece of her and Henry combined and it both elated her and terrified her in equal measure.
Her childhood had been a happy one up until her parents had gone out for ice-cream and never came home. They were, what she perceived to be, the ideal family. Her parents loved her and Will to the ends of the earth and they loved each other the just as much. She was always catching them making out in the kitchen or play fighting on the couch and at the time she had been a little creeped out by it. Who wants to see their parents that way after all!? But she was now so grateful to have those memories of them - So in love and so happy. It's what she wanted for herself and what she wanted her baby to have too. Sadly - Henry wasn't hers to have. He wasn't hers to dream about and he never would be.
Elizabeth had been so busy keeping him at arm's length to stop him hurting her, she hadn't realised that all she was actually doing was hurting herself. He wanted to give her everything she'd always dreamt about - He offered it to her on more than one occasion and she pushed him away. She let her fears cloud her judgement and lost everything.
When she'd set eyes on him, standing there in his office doorway looking as handsome and kind as ever, her stomach had flipped and her thoughts were flooded with visions of their future. Her head was telling her that she had hurt him, she was pregnant with a baby they hadn't planned and she wasn't going to be given another chance because she didn't deserve it. But her heart - Oh her stupid heart had given her that tiny little speck of hope. Hope that Henry would see right into her soul and decipher all the crazy, self destructive thoughts and ignore them. Hope that he would give her the life she so desperately wanted with him. But it all came crashing down around her and she didn't know how to pick up the pieces.
It was so brutally unfair that she couldn't call her mom and ask for advice. She needed advice and she had nowhere to turn. No one to ask for help. Greg and Andrew were the closest thing she had to a family and with Juliette and Isabelle, she had good friends - Although she hadn't seen or spoken to them since returning from Iraq and the longer she left it, the harder it was to reach out. She felt isolated, scared and deeply sorrowful. She wanted so badly to be happy about the pregnancy but she had no idea how she wasn't going to do it on her own. What experience did she have of raising a child? Who's example was she supposed to follow and how the hell could she do the right thing and let Henry be in their child's life without dying inside every time she saw him. It felt like an impossible situation and the more those thoughts swirled in her head - The less equipped she felt to deal with it.
Elizabeth dragged her tired body back to the bedroom, curled up in the middle of her bed, pulled the covers over her head — and she sobbed and sobbed until there were no tears left to fall.
Henry couldn't settle the torrent of nervous energy coursing through his body. He was glancing at the clock every five minutes and the more he tried to settle, the more frustrated he became that time was moving so slowly and the only thing he could think of was getting to Elizabeth and their baby. He had wanted to jump straight in the car after breaking up with Stacey, but he didn't want to wake Elizabeth or scare her in the early hours of the morning. Things were already going to be difficult enough without pissing her off right at the outset. - The problem was, he couldn't calm himself enough to get any sleep with the anticipation and fear of what the following day would bring.
The emotional tug of war they had both been participating in over the course of their relationship had left scars, pretty deep ones in his case and if he were truly honest with himself - Elizabeth terrified him! She had become the very essence of his life in a way he wasn't even sure was healthy. He worshipped her and although he had studied religion and theology and even taught it for a living - Having feelings that strong wasn't something he had any experience of himself. But once he'd ambled into the path of hurricane Elizabeth - He finally had a true understanding of everything he'd spent his life deciphering.
Henry could finally comprehend just what it meant to give yourself over to someone so completely that you would surrender your whole life just for a minute spent in their presence. Elizabeth was it for him! She had always been it for him and now there was this tiny little person they had made together and relied on them so completely, he was finally over all the games they'd continued to play. He knew exactly what direction he wanted his future to take and he wasn't going anywhere without her.
He swung his legs out of bed and sat quietly while he contemplated his next move. If he didn't get this right, he would surely lose Elizabeth forever and that wasn't something he could risk doing. He needed to have it all clear in his head before he saw her because she had an innate ability to render him speechless with just a look. It had always worried him a little, just how easily she could bend him to her will without even consciously knowing she was doing it. It always caused conflict between his id and his rationality, knowing what was right battling against primary impulses. Elizabeth was an enigma in all the best ways.
With the coffee poured and his bag already packed, Henry sat on the couch and sighed. What was he going to say to her? How was he going to get through that impenetrable facade for long enough to convince her that they were meant to be together! Elizabeth had finally voiced her feelings - The words 'I Love You' leaving her lips as she took a leap of faith and let him in. And what had he done - He had left her in that hotel room all alone and in doing so, he had rebuilt the walls around her with his own two hands. He knew her - He knew that when she felt threatened or vulnerable, she would shut down and push him away. What he couldn't fathom was why he always let her.
When he had stood in her bedroom so many days ago, he had told her he wasn't going to allow her insecurities to push him away any longer. Then she got sick and asked him to leave - And once again, just like he'd always done - he left her to deal with her emotions and fears alone. Yes, she had played her own games with him and had caused him deep rooted pain - But he had played games of his own. He had promised her things that he never delivered and he was partly responsible for her mistrust. If he had just stayed in Iraq or scooped her into his arms when she'd told him about the baby - They would both be in a much happier place. He had to keep a clear head for long enough to stand his ground and stay there until she listened. He knew she loved him but he hadn't given her much reason to believe that he loved her. Something he desperately needed to rectify.
Henry slung his bag over his shoulder, grabbed his keys from the table and was heading for the door when the phone rang. He was going to leave it but something told him he should pick up.
"Hello - Henry McCord speaking —"
"Henry - It's Conrad Dalton! We need to talk—"