A/N - Happy New Year Everyone! Apologies for the lengthy delay in posting this next chapter but I just wasn't in the correct headspace to write. I've been struggling with this for quite some time and I wasn't sure it would ever come back. But it seems I found something within myself to get this written. For anyone still reading — Thank you xxx
The silence filling the car was thick with tension and carried an ominous unease. Neither one of them could find the words to break it and the longer the journey took, the worse it was getting! Things had not been right between them for a little over a week — Since Elizabeth received a letter that sent her into a major tailspin - And now it was about to get worse for her and Henry had no idea what to do!
They had moved into their new apartment and were both the happiest they could ever remember being. They were finally together and in a place where they could envisage and plan their future together as a family.
The problem was - Elizabeth was still languishing in the guilt she felt over Noah's death and the happier she was, the worse her nightmares became. Henry had woken up every night since they moved in together to her desperate screams and it was worrying him to no end.
Of course, Elizabeth had brushed his concerns aside and unconvincingly assured him that she was absolutely fine and it was just the move that had knocked her off kilter slightly - But he knew her and she was struggling.
Henry had tried to talk to her about the events in Iraq several times, but each time he thought Elizabeth was finally about to open up to him, she would close herself off and dismiss him. He had tried not to take it personally, he knew how she worked and when the time was right for her, she would share those thoughts and feelings with him. But with the baby not far away, the added pressure and hormonal change was taking its toll on her.
Elizabeth's appetite had dropped off again and although the sickness was under control, she was picking at food rather than eating full meals. They had been for another routine check up with Dr Murrow who assured them that everything was fine and the pregnancy was progressing exactly as it should - And yet Henry was still concerned.
Henry had returned to work and their life together in Charlottesville had begun, yet Elizabeth couldn't seem to let go of the past and look forward to their future. It was almost as if she wouldn't allow herself to be happy and the closer they got to having their little girl in their arms, the more she retreated into herself.
And then one morning as they casually chatted about their day ahead, Elizabeth opened a letter that stole all the colour from her cheeks and the air from her lungs.
And that very letter was what had led them to their current predicament! Stuck in a car together, barely speaking and serious anxiety on both sides.
They had set off from Charlottesville the previous morning, taking a slow drive to New York where they'd planned to have a nice romantic meal, spend some time just the two of them before the baby came along - Henry had even purchased a very significant piece of jewellery and was planning to ask Elizabeth to marry him - But he never quite got the chance as tensions were high, voices were raised and they spent the entire night angry at each other and not uttering a single word.
It wasn't Elizabeth that Henry was mad at - It was her decision to do something that could seriously compromise her mental health, not to mention the fact that it was completely against protocol - But Elizabeth never really did things the way everyone else did.
As they made their way to Boston, Henry's concern for Elizabeth was growing by the second. She had no colour in her cheeks at all, he could see her hands trembling as she wrung them together in her lap and she was refusing to talk to him.
"Elizabeth - You can't ignore me forever."
Elizabeth glared at him "Wanna bet?"
Henry chuckled "Well you just spoke to me so I'm taking that as a good sign."
A tiny smile threatened to break on Elizabeth's lips "You're an asshole Henry McCord."
"Yes - But I'm an asshole who loves you and worries about you. That's got to count for something, right?"
Elizabeth pondered that for a few seconds and then rolled her eyes and smiled "I guess it does." She looked over at him and her expression sobered "I need to do this Henry. I know you don't agree but it's not your decision, it's mine and I've already made it."
"Elizabeth —."
She cut him off before he could launch yet another objection "You don't need to be worried and I really don't want to hear all the reasons I shouldn't be doing this Henry - So if you can't be supportive then I think we should just go back to not talking at all."
Henry sighed "You are so damn stubborn it's ridiculous. But if this is what you feel you need to do then you do have my support. However, you will never stop me worrying about you Elizabeth because you and that little girl you're taking such good care of in there - You are my whole world and I will always protect you with every fibre of my being."
"I know and I love you for it - Even if you are an asshole sometimes." That little smirk of hers let Henry know that she was almost 90% kidding and all was good with them.
As they pulled up outside of the gorgeous house in Belmont, Elizabeth's nerves suddenly gripped her.
"Am I doing the right thing Henry?"
Henry took hold of her hands and helped her breathe the same way he had done many times when her nightmares took over.
"Do you truly believe in your heart that it's the right thing for you to do?"
Elizabeth nodded
"Then yes - But if you're not ready or you need more time, we can come back."
Elizabeth took a deep breath and placed a hand on her bump "No - It's now or never. Will you come in with me?"
"Of course I will."
"Then let's do this."
They walked the short distance to the front door and Elizabeth could feel the nausea rising. It was almost too much but she knew it was just nerves. She had managed to push down the same feelings of anxiety before and she was just going to have to do it again. They had travelled a long way for this and she wasn't about to run away now.
As she pushed the button and the doorbell rang, she gripped onto Henry's hand for dear life, taking one last deep breath before the door opened.
As soon as it did, Elizabeth's shoulders dropped with the sudden weight of everything she'd been carrying around and as she spoke, her voice wavered a little "Colonel and Mrs Lawrence - I'm Elizabeth Adams."
"You'd better come in." Colonel Lawrence ushered Elizabeth and Henry inside and into the lounge where they sat nervously on the couch.
Elizabeth had played this over and over in her mind a thousand times - Having one sided conversations to try and work out the right thing to say but now that she was actually in the room with Noah's family - Her mind was completely blank.
Henry could see the turmoil playing out on her face and wanted to ease some of the pressure for her, so he broke the silence by introducing himself.
"I'm Henry McCord - Thank you so much for inviting us into your home. I am so very sorry for your loss."
"That's very kind of you, Thank you. Did you know Noah too?" Mrs Lawrence looked at Henry expectantly.
"A little but my time in Baghdad was short. I was merely there as an advisor."
"Oh really? I had you pegged for a military man." Colonel Lawrence settled back in his chair "You have that look about you."
Henry smiled "I was a captain in the marine corp, Sir — Fighter pilot."
"I knew it - Oohrah. Were you one of the F/A - 18 Hornet boys?"
"I was indeed Sir."
Colonel Lawrence shook Henry's hand "Your service to your country doesn't get forgotten just because you retire - You will always be a captain, Henry! And you can drop the 'Sir' - call me Scott."
Scott's attention turned to Elizabeth "We were quite shocked to get your letter."
Elizabeth shifted nervously in her seat "It was never my intention to cause any further heartache —."
"Then why did you write to us? I'm extremely curious to know."
Mrs Lawrence moved to sit next to Elizabeth on the couch "Please excuse my husband. He is a military man who can lack empathy at times. When are you due?"
Elizabeth placed a hand on her bump "She's due in February."
"A little girl - Oh how wonderful. We have a grandson who is three months old now. Our daughter named him Noah."
"Of course - I recall Noah mentioning that he was going to be an uncle. He was so excited." Elizabeth watched as Mrs Lawrence wiped a tear from her cheek and recoiled "I am so sorry - I shouldn't have come here. We should go."
Elizabeth shuffled to the edge of the cushion to get up but felt Mrs Lawrence's hand on hers "Please stay Elizabeth - You can give us an insight into a part of our son's life that we never got to see."
"But I thought —."
"You thought we blamed you for our son's death, Elizabeth?" Scott asked.
Elizabeth nodded "It's no more than I deserve. I wrote to you because I wanted you to know how courageous your son was. I felt it was the least I could do for you but it seems I have only made things worse."
"Noah was a marine and comes from a long line of military men — He knew the risks involved and I can say with certainty that our son did what he felt in his heart was right. You are not to blame for his death Elizabeth.
Henry could see the tears in Elizabeth's eyes and gripped her hand.
"I made a mistake and because of my error in judgement, your son never got to come home. I have to take responsibility."
Scott sighed "In my time as a soldier, I had to make some very difficult decisions under extreme pressure. I lost friends and had to take lives because it was my job. It's what I was trained to do and if I had carried the burden of responsibility and guilt that went with it — I would never have been able to go on. You were doing your job and Noah was doing his."
"Noah sent letters home singing your praises. He had so much respect for you Elizabeth and he wouldn't want to see you doing this to yourself. It's not our forgiveness you need — It's your own." Mrs Lawrence smiled at Elizabeth "How about I make some tea?"
Elizabeth sniffed and wiped her cheeks with the cuffs of her sweatshirt "Why are you being so kind to me?"
"Because you're being so unkind to yourself. Our son thought the world of you and Noah was always such a good judge of character. He was quiet but extremely observant and I trust his judgement. Placing the blame on you won't bring him back and it won't make us feel any better — Not to mention the fact that it would be the wrong thing to do."
"In the interest of full disclosure — I blamed you for a while after reading your letter, I have to admit." Scott shrugged "But Helen talked some sense into me and made me realise that the blame lies firmly with the murderous bastards we're fighting so hard to stop."
"It's a battle we might never win sadly." Henry placed this hand on his unborn child "But we have to keep fighting for her and your grandson and their future."
"Ain't that the truth. Maybe one day there will be peace but I fear that's a long way off. Now, let's get some tea on the go and you can tell us all about the side of our son you knew better than we did.'
Elizabeth and Henry chatted with Noah's parents for a good few hours, sharing stories, crying together and although Elizabeth still felt a heavy responsibility for Noah's death, she had a much needed sense of peace that only his parents could provide.
By the time they walked into their apartment the following evening, Elizabeth was finally starting to understand what Henry had been telling her for weeks and as they curled up in bed ready to sleep, she pulled his arms tightly around her and spoke quietly into the dark
"I'm finally ready to get some help with this now Henry — Just be here for me, ok?"
Henry kissed her shoulder and smiled against her skin "Always sweetheart — Always."