After all this time! It is finally here! Little A/N at the end guys…
Chapter 16 – When he left her
The week that followed was spent mostly in the woods, following a trail neither of them knew where it would lead. Strangely, Zuko appeared every day with food, making Iroh and Milah wonder where he got it. However, Zuko and Milah had stopped speaking after Iroh had found them together in the bed, enjoying each other. The old man didn't know what had aspired between them, his nephew being angrier than ever and the Water Tribe girl never smiling, not even when he would crack a joke. It worried him, especially after seeing how well they could be together, like on that particular morning, and also because he knew how much his nephew loved her.
Milah was going through a book that Zuko had brought her – which she was thankful for, not that she showed it of course –, laying on her stomach with her feet raised in the air, and Iroh was peacefully meditating when Zuko appeared with two barrels filled with pastries. Milah looked up to look him in the eye, but he didn't return the stare. She sighed softly, not knowing how they could go from sleeping with each other to completely ignoring the other.
When he threw the barrels in front of Iroh, his uncle looked up with a frown, saying, ''Where did you get these?'' Zuko walked away angrily towards a trunk of a tree where he could sit up against, closing his eyes.
When Milah finished her book, she rolled over to her back, sighing upon feeling the warm sun on her face. Iroh noticed this and smiled.
''Was it a good one?'' he asked her with a knowing voice. Milah nodded enthusiastically.
''It was amazing. And the ending…'' she dreamed off, thinking about how the antagonists came together, at last, finding their eternal love in the other. She sighed once more.
''You make it sound really good too. Maybe I should read it as well,'' he confessed, being intrigued by the way she was reacting.
Milah felt her heart flutter when she thought about her significant other, sitting just a few meters away from her. A feeling of despair watched over her upon not being able to sit next to him, lay her head against his or even feel his lips pressed against hers again. I shouldn't have pushed him away, she kept thinking to herself but knew it had been the right choice at the moment.
''I'm going for a walk,'' Iroh suddenly announced, standing up. ''Who's going with me?'' Zuko and Milah reacted immediately, getting up from the ground as well.
''I'll come,'' both said in unison. They looked each other in the eye for an awkward moment.
''Err…'' Zuko continued when he noticed Milah was staying quiet. ''You go ahead. I'll make sure no one steals our food.'' Milah gave him a curt nod without looking at him and followed Iroh who was already walking ahead of her.
''So…'' Iroh started after some time. ''What is going on between you and my nephew?'' Milah was unsure whether she should tell him or not, but decided she should trust Iroh. He always gave the best advice.
''I just…'' she started, took a deep breath, and continued again. ''I'm confused about… Zuko.'' There. She said it.
''Ahh,'' the old man began, stroking his beard. ''I see. Well, you know my nephew is very troubled and that sometimes he says things he doesn't mean.'' Milah nodded slowly, knowing that what he said was true.
''I know that, but… it's not only that, but it's also because…'' Milah again tried to finish the sentence and say out loud what the problem was, but it was hard. Saying it out loud would mean that she made it true, although she still didn't want to admit it.
''I think I know what's going on,'' Iroh interrupted her, wanting to spare the insecure girl from admitting her feelings. He had seen it so many times, that she didn't need to say it to him.
''You do?'' she asked him with wide eyes. He gave her a nod with a smile.
''Yes. And my advice to you would be to just be patient, talk about your feelings straightforward and always be true. Prince Zuko can be very ignorant when it comes to other people's emotions, so it is best in such times that you'd be the one to lead the conversation,'' he tried to consult her.
''Yeah… I've noticed that,'' she told him absentmindedly. ''I thought I had made myself clear to him, on several occasions, but he still doesn't notice that I…'' love him, she finished in her head. Iroh patted her shoulder.
''I'm sure he has, he just doesn't want to believe it. Did I ever tell you about Zuko's mother?'' he asked her, noticing it had become time for her to know some more about Zuko's past. Milah shook her head.
''His mother disappeared when he was only eleven years old. He has never told me what happened that night, but the way he speaks about her… makes me wonder what did,'' he spoke truthfully. ''I'm telling you this because I would like you to understand that Zuko has trust issues and a negative self-image. The only person who loved him unconditionally and for who he was, left him when he was only just a little boy.'' Milah thought about this and wondered if it would matter whether she would tell him that she loved him. If maybe that would be the right thing to do, to just take the plunge into the deep, hoping she wouldn't drown.
The sun had set when they returned to the little cavern. Zuko had lit a fire and apparently, had picked up some new supplies as well. A brand new teapot and cups were sitting on a fine tray. Both Milah and Iroh looked perplexed.
''Looks like you did some serious shopping,'' Iroh broke the silence. ''But where did you get the money?'' Both of them sat down, Iroh next to the Prince and Milah in front of him. However, instead of facing him, Milah was busy studying the mesmerising fire.
''Do you like your new teapot?'' he retorted to his uncle, avoiding the question.
''To be honest with you the best tea tastes delicious whether it comes in a porcelain pot or a tin cup,'' Iroh said after putting down the teapot he had been holding to study. ''I know we've had some difficult times lately. We've had to struggle just to get by. But it's nothing to be ashamed of. There is a simple honour in poverty.'' Milah looked up for a split second, catching eyes with the one she had been avoiding for so long, and ponded over the question again; should she tell him she loved him or not?
''There's no honour for me without the Avatar,'' Zuko said gloomy, casting his eyes down after accidentally looking into Milah's. His heart ached upon seeing the blue eyes he loved so much, seeing the girl he was longing for. But after she pushed him away when he kissed her, he thought she didn't want him. Not like that. And so he acted as if he felt sorry for himself because he didn't have the Avatar's trail, while actually, his body was hurting just because he couldn't hold the woman he was in love with.
Iroh sighed. ''Zuko… even if you did capture the Avatar, I'm not so sure it would solve our problems. Not now.''
''Then there is no hope left at all,'' Zuko continued in his depressed manner.
''Really? Even after all this time…'' Milah couldn't help but say softly. Both men turned towards her. Zuko saw her fiddle with her hair nervously, a visible gulp passing through her throat.
''You must never give in to despair. Allow yourself to slip down that road and you surrender to your lowest instincts. In the darkest times, hope is something you give yourself. That is the meaning of inner strength,'' Iroh continued after a small moment of silence. Zuko's head hung low. Milah watched him with yearning, wanting to wipe the sad expression off his face. She couldn't help but see a little boy who had been hurt by his father and left by his mother.
But when he saw her looking at him, he stood up and walked out of the small cave. Milah sighed sadly, wanting to follow him. But she didn't. He probably didn't want her around him anyway; he had been giving those signs frequently lately.
But Milah had enough of it after she saw Iroh looking at the fire with sorrowful eyes. She decided to go to his nephew, to try and figure out why he had been so distant and angry for the past week. Iroh didn't look up when she exited the cave, simply staring ahead of himself.
She saw him sitting in a meditation stance after some wandering around the area of the cave. The crickets were making music together with other small insects, making the forest come alive some more. The moon wasn't that bright – a new moon had just passed – but it didn't matter. Zuko had lit up his palms slightly, making himself noticeable in the dark.
After studying him for a bit, she sat down next to him, making her presence known. He looked at her through a side-eye but closed his eyes after a second.
''Hey,'' she started softly, plucking at the grass underneath her feet. His hands laid open on his knees, inviting her to take one. However, she didn't.
''Hey,'' he grunted in reply, still keeping his eyes closed. Silence met the air for a while.
''Iroh means well,'' she continued softly. ''He loves you very much.'' Just like me, she thought, looking at him. His one brow relaxed for a moment.
''I know,'' he replied hoarsely and opened his eyes, staring ahead of him. ''But I meant what I said. There's no hope for me without the Avatar.'' Milah didn't reply, just furrowed her mouth.
''And I meant what I said, that even after all this time…'' she began, making Zuko sigh. ''Even after all we went through.'' Zuko shook his head and stood up then, putting out his fire. The world went dark suddenly, just like his mood.
''Especially after all we went through,'' he grumbled back, starting to walk away from her. She didn't let him though, grabbing his arm to try and turn him back around to face her. But he simply pulled away from her harshly, making her stumble back, hit a big root from a tree and fall over to the ground.
She hissed from the pain. She had brushed against something and a warm substance ran down her arm, making her believe it was blood. Zuko turned around finally to see what had happened and quickly went over to her to help her.
''Are you okay?'' he asked her worriedly, taking her uninjured arm to try and let her stand up. But she gave him an angry look that made him back away immediately.
''No, I'm not,'' she spat out through her teeth, her eyes wild. ''And I haven't been for the past week. You won't talk to me, won't look at me… what have I done to deserve this?'' He looked away from her, not being able to look into her eyes.
''Look, Milah,'' he began with a sigh. ''I'm sorry if I hurt you. It's just…'' he ran a hand through his short hair.
''What happened to us?'' she asked him in a whisper. He finally looked into her eyes, his heart aching from her pained look. He grabbed her uninjured arm again to help her get up, to which she finally complied. They stood close to each other, staring into the other's eyes.
''Us…'' he started. ''It's not good.'' His mouth made the words his heart didn't agree with.
''So what?'' she retorted trembling. ''Remember what you said? About running away?'' He shook his head agonisingly, turning away from her to lean against a tree out of mental exhaustion.
''Milah…'' he tried to break her off, but she shook her head as well.
''No, you said… you said you wanted to be with me forever,'' came out of her mouth as a whisper, grateful it was dark so maybe he wouldn't see her small tears. ''Has that changed?''
Zuko knew what he had to do. He had to say 'yes', or else she would never let him go, or try and get over him. He had to get away from her, and not just for the night, but forever. The life he offered her wasn't a good life for her. It was selfish of him to ask her to be with him, while he was destined to be Fire Lord one day and she was a lowly Waterbender. He had said it to himself so many times, but his heart hadn't listened, so now it had to pay the consequences.
''I love you, Zuko,'' the Water Tribe girl suddenly burst out in a sob, startling him completely. ''I do, I love you, and I am not scared to say it, because it is true.'' There. She had finally said it to him in the mean of the moment, in a temporary state of weakness. But she didn't regret it, no, she wanted him to know it. He needed to know he was loved and that he didn't need to seek that love anywhere else. He could just grab it where he stood, right at this moment. ''I love you,'' she whispered once more. Zuko closed his eyes in pain.
Fuck, I love you too, so, so, so much, he thought to himself, his heart crumbling with her words and his eyes stinging from unshed tears. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. She wasn't supposed to say it. She loves me, he said to himself in his head, not believing it was true. It shouldn't be true, someone like her shouldn't love someone like him. He didn't deserve her love, not even in the slightest. She was too good, too pure. He was a disgrace, a creature not worthy and without honour.
''No…'' he answered eventually. ''It's not right. You shouldn't.'' Milah sobbed quietly.
''I don't care if it's right or not, it's true, and I'm not going to change a thing about it,'' she held on, wanting to have it out in the open. She took a step towards him to grab his cheeks, which he let, thankfully. ''And I'm sorry that I pushed you away. Next time, I won't. I promise.'' He pried her hands from his face after she said that, not wanting to give in to the temptation she offered.
''Milah… it's not right because I don't love you, and I'm sorry for that,'' he got out of his mouth finally, feeling his stomach churn upon his lying words. ''I thought I did, but I realised I don't after I kissed you. That's why I've been acting so strange. I just didn't want to hurt you.'' The second he finished his sentence, he wanted to take it back. She stepped back slowly, her face changing from one he now recognised was deep love, to one of disgust. His hands were dying to take her back into his arms, saying he was lying and that he loved her all the same. But he knew he had to do this. He had to make her believe he didn't love her, so she could move on, maybe find her family and settle down eventually with a worthy husband, unlike him.
She turned away then, walking back towards the cave his uncle was waiting in. He watched her go with great sadness, his throat hurting and his eyes becoming moist, but he didn't break. He held on until he couldn't see her anymore, walking away from him as if she was walking away from his life. The love of his life, gone, forever.
Milah laid down in the cave near the end, not wanting to talk to Iroh about why she looked like she had been crying, and wanting to sleep and never wake up again. Her heart had been cut out of her chest by him, laid bare in the open and he had stomped on it like it was some kind of ant underneath his boot. He didn't care about her, he never had. He hadn't meant anything he had said, he never had. It was all just a big never and nothing. A hole that was left in her chest, a hole where her heart should be.
''Milah?'' Iroh eventually came up to her, talking to her back. ''Zuko is leaving. Don't you want to say goodbye?'' Another tear escaped her eye.
''Bye,'' she simply said hoarsely, but with a strong voice. She wrapped her arms around herself, wanting to hide her trembling from the two watchful pair of eyes.
''Bye,'' he said back, trying to hide his pain from his uncle. ''Good luck finding your family.'' He walked away from the cave when he said that, wanting to get away as quickly as he could on the ostrich horse his uncle had given him. And with one tiny nod to Iroh, he galloped off to his adventure, where he could try to forget the hurt he had inflicted upon Milah and pray that she would find another that would make her happier than he ever could.
The next morning, Iroh woke her up early, saying he wanted to track down his nephew so he could keep a watchful eye on him. Milah reluctantly got up and readied herself for the day, wanting to accompany the old man who was clearly hurting by his nephew's leaving. She felt numb, her emotions having been doused by her self-inflicted denial. She didn't admit to herself that after all that time, all the moments they had shared, he hadn't ever loved her.
Milah also decided, after a few silent days with Iroh, that if there was one direction Zuko would head, it would be the direction of the Avatar and consequently her brother and sister. So she decided to stick with Iroh until they would meet up with Zuko again and, hopefully, the Avatar.
Iroh tried talking with her every day, kept asking her questions that would distract her from her situation, to which she was extremely grateful. He could hear her cry every night before they went to sleep, bringing tears to his own eyes. He didn't know the cruelty his nephew possessed, not like this. It disappointed him, even though he didn't know the full story. She hadn't told him, and he hadn't asked.
Another day passed, and it was like Milah had eaten hot chilli peppers the night before. She woke up with an angry pit in her stomach, kicking small rocks throughout the day and feeling like she wanted to slam every tree they walked past, imagining like it was Zuko who she would attack. Her hands itched to break something, adrenaline seeping through her body every once in a while. Iroh tried to converse again, but he noticed that Milah was not particularly in the mood to speak with anyone today, so he decided to let it rest.
Two more days passed. Milah willed the anger to go away, not liking the grudge she was holding towards someone just because her feelings weren't reciprocated. It was childish, she realised, to be angry at Zuko just because he didn't love her back. So instead of anger, her body was now filled with grieve. Terrible sadness made her feet heavy, making it difficult for her to walk properly through the barren wasteland. They passed through a little town where they talked about a Fire Nation Prince and his somewhat heroic actions to save a little boy.
Another day passed and Iroh decided he had had enough. Milah had been feeling too unwell lately and he thought it was time she cheered up, so he told her to go and find some nice tea leaves for them in the forest. Meanwhile, Iroh was preparing a fire to heat the water, leaning against a big rock, until suddenly, he was thrown into the air before painfully landing on his butt.
Something had hit him pretty hard.
A/N: I am so so so sorry for not updating for such a long time. If anyone wants to hear an excuse, it's this one… I had my exam week and right now, I am beginning on my thesis, taking up pretty much all of my spare time… in any case, I am sorry! This is a small chapter as well, but that's because I have split it in two. I am working on chapter 17 as well and that one is almost done as well, so I hope it won't be too long before I'll update again. I hope you enjoyed this one! If someone has any criticism or something else, don't hesitate to send in a review! I welcome them with open arms, always.
And of course a special thank you to Vosck who always leaves such kind reviews :)