38. Pain

I spent so many years like this, sitting beside him. Even as a child, Sasuke had been quiet and reserved. Plenty of our childhood had been spent like this, sitting side by side, absorbed in our own thoughts and activities. He might be polishing weapons, I might be laying beside him staring up at the clouds. Little had changed as teenagers and despite the gap in our friendship, it seemed second nature to gravitate towards our old habits. How many times had we plopped down beside each other during practice, sweaty and short of breath? And so, on the surface, this particular instance seemed all but abnormal. But that was very, very untrue.

I could not recall any point in our history that we had sat in such an air of despair. The pure sadness pouring from him seeped into my own body, my own heart. He didn't try to mask it, he just let it consume him. And unlike any other time, I could do nothing to ease his pain. As children I would hold him close or grasp his hand in mine. As teenagers I could, at the very least, place on hand on his shoulder, or touch his shoulder to mine. But in this moment there felt like there was a solid boundary between us, a stone wall I dare not breech.

Once again I began to wonder why Keitaro had sent me here. I was of no use to him. He didn't care about my presence. He was just too wrapped up in his grief to tell me off. What was I expected to do? Tell him that everything was going to be alright? Because it wasn't. And I dare not touch him.

However, there was a part of me that felt guilty for just sitting here, staring at the wall ahead of me. Despite the pain he had caused me and the years of anger that had festered as a result, I was finding it difficult to muster any frustration towards him. He was just so sad. Part of me did want to hold him, to take his hand, to whisper to him baseless words.

There was a part of me that hated Uchiha Sasuke. The part of me that screamed for justice. The part of me that wanted him to hurt as he had hurt me. The part of me that was furious how easily he'd discarded me. And that part of me didn't want to care what he was going through. But there was a deeper part that loved him, that remained untainted by his betrayals. That was desperate to do something, anything. But it was this same part of me that feared his rejection; that feared confirmation that my presence here was a mere nuisance.

But finally, I cleared my throat, more uncomfortably than I would have liked. "I'm sorry, Sasuke…"

I turned my head to look at him. He looked now as he had that last night in Konoha, when I found him beneath that bridge, defeated. He had that same look of hopelessness. I had held him close to me then, but I didn't dare now. It was that night that I had been struck with a realization; that my thoughts and feelings began to manifest into an actual truth. It had terrified me, caused me to pull away, to want to flee. But I'd never been given the chance.

For a year after Sasuke had left me at that waterfall, my mind had played through every second of that night beneath the bridge. I analyzed every aspect and every millisecond between when I had pulled away and he had bolted. I remembered the look in his eyes and the pain and distress within them. It had confused me. As I rolled it over in my thoughts again and again, I could come up with only one conclusion. That he had realized what I had realized then, what I had truly felt for him. And it didn't so much as scare him as did pain him. Because he knew he was going to leave and who he was going to leave behind. And perhaps he hadn't realized the love that he would leave behind. Because perhaps…maybe…possibly, he had felt something similar.

But he had stabbed me. Ruthlessly and without hesitation, he had slid that blade into me and left me there on the ground. Maybe he hadn't meant to kill me, just to immobilize me, but it still seemed cruel and unwarranted. How could you do that to someone you cared about? I couldn't imagine doing that to him, even now. Oh, sure, I'd come up with many scenarios throughout the years; ways that I might make him hurt, to appease my broken and battered heart. But if it came down to it, could I really hurt him? That piece of me that ached for him right now told me no.

Perhaps that part of me would be satisfied now as I looked him over. He was bruised and battered, his entire torso wrapped in bandages. Lacerations littered his skin and I couldn't imagine there was a single part of his body that wasn't aching. But regardless of this, I imagined his internal pain to be much, much greater. And there was a part of me that thought that Sasuke might finally be feeling the same pain he had put me through.

It brought me no satisfaction.

In that moment I pitied him. In that moment, anger and hurt bled from me. I became flooded with guilt and remorse over ever wanting him to suffer through this kind of pain. I didn't want him to hurt. I wanted to break through that invisible wall between our bodies and find some way to take a bit of the pain away.

"Nakao."

The sound of my name snapped me out of my thoughts. Both Sasuke and I glanced to the door. My brother had poked his head through the crack I had left and motioned with his head to come with him. Despite knowing that my presence was unnecessary here, a part of me still felt guilty for leaving. Regardless, I got to my feet, but I glanced down to Sasuke.

To my surprise, he was gazing up at me.

In retrospect I would wonder if I should have held his gaze. If I would have discovered something in those eyes if I'd looked long enough. Or perhaps I just wanted something to be there. But I didn't. I quickly tore my gaze from his and hurried for the door.

I exited the room and Keitaro and I moved a bit down the corridor to speak privately. Keitaro looked grim and I wondered if it was for Sasuke, or if all this was causing him to face his own grief over Itachi's passing. I myself wasn't entirely sure how he was holding it together. Perhaps he'd had time to grieve before this. He'd known Itachi way dying after all.

"How is he?" Keitaro murmured with a glance back at the door.

I sighed, letting the weariness flood into my face, and shook my head.

"That bad?" he frowned, though he did not look surprised.

I glanced over my shoulder, looking back at the room I'd just vacated. I hugged my arms, perhaps because it was the only thing I was allowed to hug. "I don't think we could have expected anything better."

"No, I guess not," Keitaro sighed himself.

"I don't know what you expected me to do," I admitted, looking back to the brunette. "We aren't…what we used to be. I doubt that we ever will be again."

Keitaro's eyes searched me, his face thoughtful. "I wouldn't be so certain of that."

I frowned at him. Keitaro could be optimistic all he wanted but I was going to be realistic. And I wasn't going to hope for anything.

I'd decided to give Sasuke some space. Despite Keitaro's insistence, I was no more convinced that I should be here than I was the other day. I wasn't entirely sure why we'd taken this time out of our journey to check in on Sasuke. But I supposed it was probably a promise to Itachi, the part of looking after Sasuke that Keitaro could actually fulfill. So I'd spoken with Keitaro for a bit and settled elsewhere to eat a meager meal.

As night began to fall, however, I decided perhaps I should check in on Sasuke; just a peek. He may not want me here and I may have some deep-seeded resentment, but I couldn't just erase the concern over his current predicament. I'd gone in search of the storeroom I found him in earlier, only to discover that he was not there. The blankets lay abandoned on the floor, some bloodied bandages piled near them. Frowning, I began a larger search. I peeked into countless rooms, checked with Keitaro, but I still came up empty handed.

"Looking for duck boy?"

The voice almost made me jump as I moved down a corridor and I whirled around in time to see Cherushii seemingly materialize from the shadows. I hadn't seen her, hadn't sensed her and it made me a touch uneasy.

"You know, with the hair," Cherushii gestured to the back of her head.

"Is following me a hard habit to break?" I raised an eyebrow, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Ouch. I suppose I deserve that one," the blonde scratched at her cheek.

I remained silent. I still hadn't made up my mind about my cousin. Her ties to Orochimaru had me hesitant to trust her anywhere near me, to say nothing of her ties to her brother. Though Cherushii had barely mentioned Natsuo; only in passing. She'd mentioned his death with such casualty that I began to wonder about their relationship. She didn't seem angry with me that I had caused the death of her brother. It didn't seem to bother her at all. She didn't act like Natsuo or Orochimaru.

Suffice it to say I remained weary. I supposed I would get to know her if she was accompanying me and Keitaro to Sunagakure.

"Do you know where he is?" I finally asked.

"I do," she confirmed. "But I am curious as to why you're looking for him. You didn't seem particularly thrilled to come here."

I frowned. She was right of course, and clearly observant. But I wasn't about to get into a history lesson with someone who was virtually a stranger to me. And so I simply shrugged.

Cherushii regarded me for a moment, blue eyes sweeping over me, roving my face for something. I did my best to keep my expression neutral. Finally, she shrugged as well. "His majesty is outside."

I nodded to her in appreciation and set off in the direction I thought led to my new destination. I didn't not miss the sarcastic eye roll and mild contempt that had rolled off Cherushii's tongue. Clearly, Sasuke had been equally as charming with Orochimaru as he had been back home.

Thanks to Cherushii, I found Sasuke shortly after. He was out in some kind of courtyard that was littered with skeletons. I couldn't imagine what kind of monsters these bones had come from as they were massive, many of the bones larger than myself. Sasuke sat atop one of these skeletons, atop a skull to be precise. One knee was pulled up to his chest, a wrist dangling from it. His attention was turned upwards at the full moon that bathed the world in an ethereal silver glow.

I hesitated when I saw him, immediately wondering what I was doing out here. I had checked on him, he was alive. It was time to go back inside. But my feet remained rooted to the ground, my eyes glued to him.

He was beautiful, really, his profile illuminated by that bright moon. It was enough to take my breath away, though I hated myself for it. Uchiha Sasuke would be the death of me; he'd already decimated me in other ways. Regardless, I found my feet moving, climbing up a ramp of what looked like vertebrae.

I was silent as I made my way towards him, consciously aware of the increased beating of my heart. He gave no indication that he was aware of me, though I was sure he was. I traveled across the skeleton of this once great beast and found myself lowering my body down beside him.

We sat in silence for a long while, Sasuke's eyes still glued to the moon. My eyes wandered up to it as well and the fact that I was not looking at Sasuke gave me more courage to speak. "What are you doing?"

He didn't glance at me as he spoke. "When I gaze up at the full moon, I recall memories of that night. As well as…the memories I've tried hard to forget. I can suddenly remember things about Itachi."

I pulled my gaze from the moon and drew my knees up to my chest. Hugging them to me, I peered at Sasuke, watching his face.

"So now all of those faint and fleeing memories are surfacing from beyond my once locked heart," Sasuke's gaze became distant for a moment, his mind going to another place, another time. Moments later, he blinked and the haziness cleared. "He was crying back then. I thought I had imagined it. I couldn't figure out why."

I said nothing. What could I say? My heart ached for him. For him and Itachi.

"Itachi-san!" I squealed, rushing towards the door. The elder Uchiha brother had barely removed his sandals before I ambushed him in a hug, just tall enough to hug him around his waist.

"Nakao," Keitaro half-scowled in exasperation. "What have we discussed about manners?"

I pulled away in order to spit my tongue out at him. Itachi smiled, ruffling my hair and I cried in protest, backing away from him with a pout on my face. And then Sasuke stepped out from behind his brother.

"Sasuke-kun!" my pout immediately dissolved into a grin and I was quick to pounce on the boy, wrapping him in a hug. "I didn't know you were coming!"

Sasuke wriggled against me, making soft complaints under his breath though not loud enough to suggest he actually meant them.

"Yours is so calm," Keitaro sighed, glancing over to Itachi.

"Rude!" I immediately retorted.

But Itachi was smiling, his eyes warm. "I could not have asked for a better brother."

Sasuke beamed at that as I scowled.

I rested my chin atop my knees, pulling my mind from the memory. "So what happens now?"

Sasuke didn't answer immediately, his face pensive. "I can't do what Itachi wanted me to do."

The comment made me suddenly unease and I was looking at him again. "And what was that?"

Sasuke didn't respond and that unease grew. Something had…changed in Sasuke I realized as I watched him gaze up at the moon. I wasn't sure what to name it or how I knew. There was no evident look of defeat on his face, but I could sense it in the air. As though something had snapped in Sasuke, something had broken.

I supposed it wasn't entirely unexpected. Sasuke had built his life on the belief that he needed to avenge his clan and kill his brother. He'd given up everything for that goal. His home, his friends, his pride even. His entire being had been molded into this single purpose. I had once wondered what would happen when Sasuke achieved his goal. What then? Who would he become?

But this situation was entirely different. Perhaps before Sasuke may have felt some kind of satisfaction. The empty kind, of course. The kind that never quite fulfilled you, that left you angry to continue punishing someone you no longer could. But now…

"Sasuke?" I tried again, and I tried to keep the fear from creeping into my tone. "What are you planning to do?"

Sasuke turned his head then, his onyx eyes meeting mine. I could see it there, those now-broken pieces of him. Without flinching, without any kind of expression at all, he told me. "I'm going to destroy Konoha."

My body went rigged, my stomach churning as I continued to stare into his eyes. And then I laughed, a nervous laugh. "You're joking, right?"

But I knew he wasn't. Keitaro had been worried something like this might happen, and he'd been right. The reality was trying to settle on my shoulders and I didn't want to face it. I wanted to be a coward then, to run away. Run away from Sasuke and his horrible plans and the possibility of facing more betrayal and heartbreak from the Uchiha.

The silence stretched on too long. "Why Sasuke…?"

"My targets are the Elders. I couldn't care less about anyone else," Sasuke replied, tearing his gaze from mine.

I was already shaking my head. "You know full well it doesn't work like that. You can't just kill the Elders. The shinobi are obligated to protect them, to protect everyone in the village."

Silence.

"Sasuke!"

"Stay out of this, Nakao," Sasuke finally said, returning his gaze to my face. "This doesn't concern you."

I scoffed. "Of course it does! Konoha is our home!"

"Your home," Sasuke swiftly cut in.

I was surprised by the sudden sting that accompanied his remark. After everything that had transpired between us, I couldn't understand why such a minuscule response felt like a needle to the heart. But I didn't have time to dwell on it.

"This is crazy!" I snapped. "You're crazy! I'm not going to just let you destroy my home!"

"Will you try to stop me?" he asked. He did not narrow his eyes, nor did he tilt his head in question.

That set me to scowling. What did he want from me? Did he want me to tell him I would stop him? That I would try to kill him if I must? Or did he know the burden that would place on me? The turmoil I would go through, the pain that would be caused if I needed to take him down.

I felt myself growing steadily angrier. At every turn Uchiha Sasuke seemed to be giving me a reason to detest him. Was he doing it on purpose? Or did I truly need to accept the reality that this was who he was now? That the Sasuke I had cared so much for was gone?

I felt like it was being thrown in my face over and over. Like I didn't know I'd lost someone I loved so deeply. Like I didn't realize I was a failure. That I hadn't been good enough to keep him with me. That I was not worth loving.

Part of me wanted to yell at him and demand what he wanted from me. Part of me wanted to ask why he was doing this to me. Wasn't I broken enough? But I couldn't. I couldn't say any of it. I couldn't let him see how much he'd hurt me. I'd already unleashed my anger at him once, shown him just how much effect he had on me.

I tried to repress the rage, but I wasn't entirely successful. My hands clenched into fists and they began shaking and I was on my feet, eyes flashing. "I don't have time for your bullshit, Sasuke!"

Sasuke rose to his feet in one, fluid movement. "Then stay out of it."

The obscenities built up on my tongue but I was at a loss for words. I took a moment to collect myself enough to think and my voice lowered a pitch. "Do you really think this is what Itachi would have wanted?"

Sasuke's face changed immediately. His lip curled in a snarl, his eyes narrowing. "Don't bring him into this."

"Well that's what it's all about, isn't it?" I glared back at him.

"I told you to stay out of it."

"No!" I shouted at him. "You're threatening my home! Our home! You might try to run from it Sasuke but you can't erase who you are! You can try to hide it with your poor decisions and your cool demeanor and your complete lack of giving a shit about anyone other than yourself, but there's things that you can't change!"

"Why are you even here?" he asked me coolly.

There it was again, that sting. That slap to the face. His words plowed into me like an invisible force, taking my breath away. And right here, right now, I hated Uchiha Sasuke.

I hated that he still had this effect on me. I hated that, after all these years, I was still a stupid girl pining for him. That I had become the very thing that I had mocked Sakura for all those years. I hated that he could still hurt me with a few words. I hated that there was a part of me that still loved him.

In that moment, I was flooded with emotions. They slammed into me, spinning my head around, squeezing at my heart. Years of frustration and anger and loneliness and depression. Everything. My love for him. My hatred for him.

I was barely aware of myself as I stood before him, body shaking, fists clenching. My fury roared anew when I felt hot tears prick at my eyes. But my voice came out low and shaky and spiteful. "You're a monster."

Surprisingly, Sasuke's eyes narrowed at that. "I'm the monster? Konoha betrayed the Uchiha Clan, my brother."

"Betrayal is something you'd know all about, wouldn't you?" I hissed.

"Don't even try to compare your complaints with what they did."

I physically took a step back, as though he'd struck me. My complaints? I suddenly didn't know what to do. I wanted to cry. I wanted to laugh. I wanted to scream. In that instance I could no longer hide from it, no longer deny it, no longer hope.

Uchiha Sasuke cared nothing for me.

My eyes were shining with tears as my face twisted in anger. In that moment, I didn't care that he was hurting. I didn't care about our history. In that moment, I would have given anything to be free from my wretched heart.

I don't know if any tears fell; I couldn't focus on it. My voice came out horribly low, the kind of pitch one has when they're trying to keep their voice from cracking. "You are a cruel, self-centered jackass with no sense of loyalty and a complete inability to love anyone. And you will never be a shadow of the man your brother was."

I saw his facial expression change. Not in detail because I was already turning sharply on my heel, but I saw it. I did not know if he was angry, or if I'd surprised him, or if he looked like he was about to murder me. But I didn't care. I turned my back on him with the sick satisfaction that I may have caused him some pain. Later I could hate myself. Later I could feel bad. But for now I strode away from Sasuke, letting my fury and loathing consume me.

It rained the next day. There was a constant drizzle from the sky that every so often turned into a downpour. It was just as well. It was the perfect weather to stew in my depression.

After my fight with Sasuke the night before, I had stalked back to the room I was sharing with Cherushii. She was there when I flung the door open, stalking in with a red face, red eyes and my lips scowling. She was sitting on a bedroll and glanced up in surprise as I came tearing into the room. I felt her eyes follow me as I flung off my vest and plopped down onto my own roll.

"Uh…everything alright there?" she asked.

"Just swell," I snapped, not particularly in the mood to be conversing with her either.

She didn't try to talk to me after that and I turned in my bedroll so that my back was facing her. I stayed like that for a long time, glaring into the darkness long after Cherushii had extinguished the lamp.

I'd gotten very little sleep by the time morning rolled around and I was tired of thinking. That self-hatred had finally replaced the anger and now I was left with a mix of guilt, sadness and self-pity. I told myself to get up, to pull myself together, to not let him do this to me again. But it was so easy to succumb to the gray skies and rain and old habits.

I have no idea how much of the day I let tick by but eventually the door to my room opened and a figure was suddenly standing over me. Fists to her hips, hair falling like a curtain around her face, Cherushii stared down at me with scrutiny.

"Alright, I don't know what this is, but it needs to stop."

"Leave me alone," I mumbled.

She rolled her eyes. "You look pathetic right now. Sit up."

I scowled at her but complied.

"I'm assuming this dower mood of yours has to do with Sasuke," she crossed her arms over her chest.

The sharp glare I shot her at the mention of his name probably gave me away. Cherushii appraised me for a long moment before moving away from me. She took several paces before sitting down and settling those blue eyes on me.

"If it makes you feel better," she suddenly said. "Sasuke puts me in a dower mood too."

The comment was so unexpected I found myself blinking.

Cherushii was already rolling her eyes. "Oh, the way he would strut around the lair like he owned the place. That place wasn't big enough for his head and his ego."

Silence followed her sentence, settling over the room before I suddenly burst out laughing. It felt good to laugh and like my shoulders were lifting a little. The past several days had been so hectic and stressful and mind boggling that I suddenly felt like I'd forgotten how to laugh.

A small smile slipped onto Cherushii's lips as I finished with a chuckle. She let a comfortable silence replace the gloominess of the room before speaking again. "Why do you let him get to you?"

This sobered me and I frowned, drawing my knees to my chest. I responded quietly. "I don't try to let him get to me."

"But he does," Cherushii pressed. "What is it about him that gives him that power over you?"

I set my gaze on the wall nearest me to avoid my cousin's. What a loaded question. He had this power over me because of the complex feelings I'd harbored one way or another for the majority of my life. He had this power because the heart wants what the heart wants, even if your brain is screaming otherwise. And no matter how much I fought it and cursed him and hated him, that absolute truth remained.

But what was it that my heart was so fond of? He'd become little more than a walking shell of hatred, regret and vengeance. His regard for others was reminisce, if not completely absent. He continued to consciously make mistakes in a cyclical pattern.

But he hadn't always been this way. Once upon a time he had been a protector. An unwavering force in uncertain times. He'd been my teammate. My friend. We'd shared a connection that I'd never found with another living soul. A connection I had thought he'd felt as well.

"I'm fine, Naruto, really," I insisted, moving to close the door between us.

When Keitaro had first died, I never went home. I hated that empty house filled with silence and memories. I had stayed with Kiba for a while, not only avoiding my home, but clutching at some form of comfort; some sense that I was not alone. But when Kiba had left on a mission, I decided I had probably overstayed my welcome. Kiba's family would of course have let me stay, but I didn't want to continue to burden them. And so I came home again.

I found that it was easy to let that house consume me. It was easy not to fight the pain and sadness, to let it consume me. And though I had initially dreaded returning home, I now never left it.

Naruto was quick to catch the edge of the door, keeping me from shutting it. I frowned at him but he pushed the door open a little wider and stared at me with concerned, blue eyes. "Everyone's worried about you, Nakao. Even Sasuke."

I snorted, the most emotion I'd revealed this entire encounter. "I seriously doubt that."

"He is," Naruto insisted.

I gave him a dubious frown but shook my head. "Well I'm fine, Naruto. Now if you don't mind-"

"Have you been eating?" Naruto's eyes scanned my face. "You look thin."

"Are you saying I was fat before?"

"What? N-No!"

"How very nice of you, Naruto. Okay, bye!" I quickly shut the door before he could protest further.

Sighing deeply, I rested my back against the door, listening. Naruto stood there for another minute before I finally heard him turn and leave. While loneliness gripped me, I still felt a spark of relief. I didn't like to see the pity in people's eyes. The unintentional judgement that I was not handling my situation very well.

Stepping away from the door, I made my way back towards the stairs. I moved carefully, as the house was bathed in darkness. Every shade in the house was drawn, and though it was early afternoon, the sun could not penetrate the gloom.

I traipsed up the stairs and back into my room. I noted vaguely that I was still wearing my clothes from yesterday, a black t-shirt and shorts that left little to the imagination. I was too drained to remove them though, void of any kind of ambition. And so I went straight back to my bed, flopping down on the mattress and burying my face in the pillow.

Perhaps I was just weak that I let Keitaro's death consume me. Perhaps I was wallowing in self-pity. But I didn't care. I didn't have the energy to care. Though I did little else but sleep, I never felt rested. I always felt like there was a weight pressing on my chest and I could not squirm out from beneath it.

The sound of my front door slamming wrenched me from my thoughts. Who in the world was in my house? Probably Kiba checking in. Dread filled my chest at the thought of seeing his disappointed face. And so, though I heard footsteps ascending the stairs, I kept my face hidden. Maybe Kiba would quickly give up and go home if I showed no interest in seeing him.

The footsteps never stopped, however. They entered my bedroom and headed straight for my bed without hesitation. I tried to push my face deeper into the pillow when I felt a hand wrap around my wrist and yank me off the bed.

"Hey!" I yelped in surprise, suddenly finding myself tumbling onto the floor. I landed hard on my tailbone and winced at the impact, snapping my head up in a glare. "What the hell!?"

But it wasn't Kiba standing there staring down at me with worried, brown eyes. Rather, a pair of onyx-shaded eyes studied me.

When the surprise wore off, I snapped at him. "What the hell, Sasuke?"

"Get up."

"Excuse you?" I glared, rubbing at my bruised tailbone.

"Get up," he repeated, tone just as monotone as ever. "We're going training."

"I don't want to," I muttered, glancing away.

"I don't care. Now get dressed."

"I am dressed," I replied dryly.

Sasuke's eyes quickly scanned me and I suddenly felt a wave of embarrassment. It was unexpected and I felt confused as I began to feel a little exposed.

"No, you're not," Sasuke finally said before moving past me and into the hall, leaving me on the ground confused, perturbed and slightly less lonely.

Despite all the thoughts running through my mind, I had no desire to relay any of this, much less to someone who was basically a stranger to me. And so, I remained silent, eyes adverted. I let the silence settle over us until Cherushii broke it again.

Her voice was quiet, soft; softer than I'd ever heard it. "I loved someone too once."

This grabbed my attention and I glanced over. Cherushii's gaze was downcast, her palms facing up as they sat in her lap, as though she searched them for something. Blonde hair fell around her face, partially obscuring the sad look that had taken over her features.

"He loved me too. But I still couldn't take the place of his sense of duty, his purpose. It led him to his death, that purpose. And, suddenly, there I was: alone, broken, forced to grieve a man that I loved because he was blinded."

I didn't speak but I understood what she was trying to tell me. I was…grateful for this. It did not result in a life-changing epiphany. It didn't cause the pain in me to cease. But it gave me something to consider.

And so, that evening found me outside, staring up at the stars. I sat in the beast graveyard as I did with Sasuke the night before, though I was alone now. I reveled in the silence of the area, as it allowed my thoughts to flow unhindered.

I'd spent a great deal of time mulling over what Cherushii had told me. I'd spent so long being angry at Sasuke, unknowingly nursing a wound even as I hid my pain behind the veil of gambling, alcohol and dangerous missions. I had let my personality become entwined with his absence, letting it define me.

I had spent countless night sobbing into my pillow, allowing my self-worth to be measured by his actions. But as I sat here this night, my eyes clear, I realized that none of that had anything to do with me. I'd grown confused over the evening before he left, when I swore there was something in his eyes; pain and regret. I perseverated on that kiss before drowning it all in denial. Doubting that there had ever been anything there; that it had been my own foolishness and wish fulfillment that had dreamed up these moments. Because after all, he'd still left.

But tonight I let myself remember without bias. I let myself truly see that moment under the bridge when I'd pulled away from that hug, when he must have realized what it meant. I let myself actually believe those emotions that had flickered in his eyes. That he recognized how I felt about him, and the regret that accompanied the knowledge that he had already planned on leaving.

I let myself think about our kiss. These past few years I avoided that memory like a plague, banishing it when it tried to pop up. The pain was too raw. Even now I felt an ache in my chest at the thought of it. Remembering how our lips shaped together, like they'd been molded solely for that purpose. That there had been actual emotion in that kiss. It hadn't been simply a distraction tactic, an attempt to use my weakness against me. He had been saying goodbye. I didn't notice it at the time, but it seemed so clear to me now.

That kiss had been passionate, intimate, but not hungry. He had wanted me to understand that there was a piece of him that cared for me. That, in another life, he would have been content there with me. That there weren't words for what he wanted to say, at least, not words he could bring himself to say. But I heard them none the less now as I let that phantom sensation rush over me.

He had still stabbed me. Still used that moment to incapacitate me. And pain still clenched at my heart as I thought of it. Anger still remained there over doing something that felt so…cruel. But I found is was dimmed, manageable. It was not a fire coursing out of control, taking over my thoughts, rising flames in my blood.

I still didn't know if I could forgive him. Maybe in time. The pain was still raw, still very real. But it…helped. The fact that this had nothing to do with me. That no matter what I did or how great Sasuke's possible feelings towards me were, he would have left regardless. That it wasn't about me being 'enough'. It was the fact that no one could turn Sasuke from his goal. It was a part of him as much as his need to breathe. He could never have stayed, not with his hatred and vengeance so fixed to his heart. He didn't even own his own heart, let alone have the ability to give it to another. It wasn't that he didn't love me, it was that he couldn't love me. Not properly anyway.

I didn't know what would happen now. He had defeated Itachi, but his need for revenge hadn't been quenched. He had said he wanted to destroy Konoha, or something akin to it. Part of me still wanted to believe that there was still some good in him. That habitually bitter part of me sneered that there hadn't been good in him for a long time.

Regardless, I couldn't afford to be distracted by this. Keitaro, Cherushii and I were setting off for Sunagakure tomorrow. I needed to focus on the task at hand, and still needed to come to terms with my brother and Cherushii and all the other truths Keitaro had thrown at me. I had things to do outside of Uchiha Sasuke and it was time to let him go.

I don't know how long I tossed and turned in my bedroll that night. Sleep must have eluded me for hours because by the time I sat up, thoroughly defeated, I could tell dawn was not far off from the ever-lightening sky. I was more than frustrated with this development as several long days of travel awaited me.

I sat for a long moment, fingers drumming against my leg. My thoughts had been an endless loop, depriving me of sleep and filling me with a drive for action. I would much rather have slept. But there was nothing for it. I decided to dress and left Cherushii slumbering as I vacated the room.

After all this time, his chakra was still as familiar to me as my own. I followed its trace and found the Uchiha where I had left him two nights ago. He sat on the bones of a once mighty beast, peering up at the moon.

I took in a deep breath. Part of me wanted to run so I didn't have to face him. The part of me that spent the last two and a half years hating the very memories of him wanted to chastise him, to throw any hurtful word of at him that I could think of. But I pushed away that instinct, that habit of flipping to anger and letting it consume me. I didn't want to feel that way anymore. I didn't want to become filled with hatred just like he had.

Knowing that this is what my damnable mind wanted, I forced myself to move forward. One step at a time, I moved across those discolored bones until I stood behind him several feet. He didn't turn to look at me or acknowledge me in any way. But I was well aware that he was aware of my presence.

"Sasuke…"

His name sounded foreign on my lips. The voice that spoke it had a strange mixture of hoarseness, softness and hesitancy. Still, I carried on and I just let myself talk.

"I'm…not entirely sure why I'm here. Here in general, here behind you now. There is nothing I can do for you. Even when you did care for me, there would have been little I could do to ease your pain."

Silence. I took a deep breath and continued.

"I'm begging you not to go through with this. Not for the Elders or the village. Not for me. For you. Because you won't feel better when it's over. There will still be anger, you'll still want revenge. And you will waste away, never whole."

I turned my vision to the moon, gazing at it as Sasuke was.

"Dammit Sasuke!" Naruto bit out in frustration. "You messed up the move!"

"That was you, idiot," Sasuke replied, arms crossed over his chest, an annoyed frown on his face.

I rolled my eyes. "You both messed it up; that's not how Kakashi-sensei taught us to do it."

Both boys shot me a glare but I ignored them both, moving forward to pluck a discarded kunai from the ground.

Naruto's irritated expression then suddenly melted into one of alarm. He glanced up to the setting sun in horror. "Ah! Do you guys know what time it is!?"

I glanced up as well. "Hmmm…six o'clock?"

"Ah! I'm missing discount ramen at Ichiraku's!" he called out in horror before turning on his heel and running off, just barely remembering to throw his hand up in a wave.

Amusement crossed over my face and I glanced at Sasuke. He was rolling his eyes.

"I suppose that means the end of practice…" I said before I felt my face fall. Practice was over. There was nothing to do now but go home. To that empty house.

I hated the walk home every night. Every step felt like another step towards an evening of hopelessness, regret and solemnness. My ankles felt shackled by invisible chains that slowly inched me back to that house.

"Well…see you later, Sasuke," I said quietly but with a straight face. No need to push my own dower disposition on my teammates. "Best be going home."

I gave him a lazy wave and traced Naruto's steps out of the clearing. But I didn't want to go home. Nor did I want to trouble Kiba. And so I wandered the emptying streets of Konoha, eventually wandering into a very familiar patch of woods. There was a clearing here and I made my way to the middle of it.

As I approached the rhombus-shaped stone, a bird sitting atop it fluttered away. I watched it leave before looking back to the stone. Reaching out, I placed a palm against the smooth granite. It was the closest I could get to my family now.

Mom always told me that time healed all wounds, but I disagreed. I felt more broken than ever, so consumed by grief and regret. Every night just felt like salt poured into a wound, grating at me.

"This doesn't look like home."

The voice startled me out of my thoughts and I glanced over in surprise. Sasuke walked over to me until he stood at my side, hands shoved deep in his pockets. He set his eyes on the stone. I stared at him, surprise fading. But I finally blinked and looked back to the stone.

"This is where my family is," I muttered with a mixture of bitterness and sadness.

Sasuke was silent for a moment before he turned towards me, offering out his hand. "Come on."

I watched his hand for a moment before, hesitantly, I grabbed it. "Where are we going?"

"Home."

He pulled me to my feet and, silently, we made the journey to my house.

"I wish I could help you, Sasuke; the way you helped me," I said as the memory faded in my mind. "Not just now. Before. I wish I had fought harder for you. I wish I hadn't been so bitter. I wish I had done more. Done something. I wish I'd never let you go that night…"

My voice hitched as the night beneath the bridge swam to the front of my mind. The night before he left, when I'd held him to me. I'd taken in his scent, his warmth. I'd been scared and overwhelmed then. If I could do it again, I would take his hands and sit with him, try to change his mind. But I could not.

I took in a deep breath of air through my nose. "You might not believe it, Sasuke. Not that you care. But I do understand the pain you're going through. Because I lost you."

I waited a heartbeat before I turned my back on Uchiha Sasuke and walked away.

"This sounds like a very…" my hand moved in circles as I searched for the right word. "Messy plan."

"What do you mean?" Keitaro asked, his gaze set forward as we traveled.

"Our clan members don't even know who we are. Who are we to come in and expect their allegiance in the war of the century?"

"That's only partially true," Keitaro glanced at me. "I've visited a few times."

My eyebrows raised. "You have?"

He shrugged. "Sure. I was trying to plan ahead; have them at least familiar with me before attempting what we're doing now. What do you think I've been doing all these years?"

"I thought you were dead."

"Oh, right." At least he had the grace to look sheepish.

"I presume they don't know you're the mastermind behind their annihilation?" Cherushii chimed in.

"It sounds horrible when you put it like that," Keitaro remarked, looking uncomfortable. "But no, they do not."

"You're sure?"

"Do you know something I don't?"

"No. But…" Cherushii picked her words carefully. "Do your enemies know?"

Goosebumps rose on my skin. "Are you hinting at something?"

"If you and Itachi have been working against this Madara person, is it possible he might have turned the clan against you? Warned them? So that they won't join in the fray?"

Keitaro frowned and I saw a look of uncertainty pass across his face. "It's…possible. If Madara knew everything about Itachi, he may have learned about that detail."

"What if we're walking right into a trap?" I asked in alarm.

Keitaro shook his head. "Let's not panic. This is purely speculation."

Cherushii was frowning but she set her gaze forward. "Let's hope it stays that way."

Author's Note:

Dedicating this chapter to my two reviewers who were so kind last chapter! I worked especially hard on this chapter. Stay safe, readers!